Yea, I know. The game is called “the monastery” in one of those strange cases where capitalization is denied. There’s irony in that, because the developers didn’t capitalize on solid 3D graphics to create something worth playing. The Monastery is just plain boring. Now if the guys at Rendercode Games were aiming to create an authentic wandering around simulator, mission accomplished.
Make no mistake, the visuals could have been spooky. But the scariest thing about The Monastery is just how boring it is.
The idea is you’re stumbling through the ruins of an ancient monastery looking for ten over-sized bibles. In about an hour of gameplay, the most I could ever locate in a single play-session was one. Maybe I could have found more, but roughly 90 seconds into every game, an enemy would spot me. Once they’ve done that, they give chase endlessly. There’s no attacking, so fighting back is out of the question. As far as I can tell, there really is no rhyme or reason to avoiding the monster. Hypothetically, you could just hold the run button (and there is never a time when you won’t want to be running, because the normal walking speed is snail-glued-to-a-sloth-slow), but that defeats the whole point of a game based around exploration. If you can’t stop to look around every once in a while, what you’re really playing is a one-sided game of Tag where you never get to be “it.”
So what else can I say? It’s bad. Don’t buy it. I can’t say too much else, other than I hope the developer does something better with the pretty decent looking graphics engine they used. The Monastery is a scary game that’s not scary. Yes, it looks cool. It probably looks even cooler in the dark. Of course, so does radium, but I wouldn’t recommend you get near it.
80 Microsoft Points stood shaking their fist defiantly at XBLIG devs threatening them to not actually make a game of video tag in the making of this review. Seriously, it’s a game that requires the ability to run and touch other people. This does not need to be digitized.
I started Indie Gamer Chick looking for weird, exotic, experimental game types. But, every once in a while I just want a platformer. That doesn’t mean it has to be a generic, lifeless one. The formula is so established that developers are almost forced to tinker with it, lest the game be skewered for being unambitious. That’s kind of the case with Naoki Tales. It’s so straight forward and unoriginal that you almost wonder who this was ultimately designed to appeal towards. Modern platforming fans will quickly get bored by the bare-bones, basic gameplay. Classic platforming fans will ultimately compare this to their childhood favorites, which at best can invoke dormant memories of long forgotten also-rans of the genre. They might be pleasant memories, sure. It might even cause random “Naoki Tales is not bad” tweets on Twitter. But it won’t be something people pester others to play. I’ve spent so much time trying to sell people on playing We Are Cubes that a friend threatened to re-purpose my ovaries as organic earmuffs if I didn’t shut up about it.
Break bricks. Stomp on baddies. Yawn.
By the way, I’m not trying to suggest that Naoki Tales is a bad game. It’s not. The controls are pretty decent, the graphics clean and distinctive, and the level design is not incompetent. Having said that, I did not enjoy my time with it at all. Not even a smidge. It’s just so damn dull and basic that I found nothing to keep me interested. The only reason I trudged through to the end is the game is as easy as a bowel movement after an all-night Taco Bell bender.
I’m also not saying the game lacks questionable design decisions. Things like “why can I jump on pigs and cats but not birds? Shouldn’t birds have, like, softer, more squishable bones?” Granted, there are way fewer birds than other enemies, so maybe the damage you take is to your soul, because the birds are endangered or something. That doesn’t explain why it’s kosher to throw what I think are mushrooms at them. Mushrooms which are so plentiful that there really was no point in making you pick them up along the levels, because you’ll never come close to running out. And then there are annoying levels where you have to retrieve a key on one end of a stage, walk all the way back to the beginning to activate something, and then walk all the way back again. Thankfully this form of level design isn’t used extensively, but it just adds to the problem of not doing enough to be fun. Naoki Tales is one of those rarities on XBLIG that works fine, looks good enough, but just isn’t that fun, and fun is all that matters.
I’m probably not the best person to review today’s games, all of which have multiplayer in mind. Even though I’m building up a base of friends (hey Bryce, Cameron, and Syd!), it’s not as if I have access to them at all times. And then, when I actually do, XBLIGs are rarely high on their itinerary. Even when I know an Xbox Indie is top quality, it’s tough to sell to them that our limited time together should be spent playing it instead of the latest mainstream title. It’s like inviting people over for steak and lobster dinner, then trying to convince them to eat McDonalds instead. Sure, McDonalds is occasionally delicious, but the steak and lobster is right there and the more sure-fire bet.
First up is Ultimate Dodgeball, which is a more or less straight telling of the actual sport. And that’s the biggest problem with it. Dodgeball doesn’t really lend itself well to video games on its own. Without having over-the-top wackiness sprinkled on, such as the case in the still-popular-to-this-day (though I don’t understand why myself) Super Dodgeball. Ultimate does have some power shots and special moves, but as a digital sport, it’s light on the excitement and gets old quickly.
Yep, that’s Dodgeball. Look at it, all Dodgebally.
Don’t get me wrong. Ultimate Dodgeball is fundamentally a well made game, with intuitive controls. Except when it came to catching the balls, which neither myself nor my playing partner (hey Cameron!) could get the hang of even after hours of practice. There’s online play as well, which is the reason why this review is delayed by several months, as the original build was not stable. All problems with it seem to be fixed, and we were able to enjoy a few rounds. While it can be fun, it just doesn’t have staying power. I guess I’m leaning towards a tepid recommendation. But really, this game doesn’t need to exist. I think there are much better options for games on Xbox 360 where the object is to launch projectiles at enemies to, ahem, eliminate them.
Ultimate Dodgeball was developed by K-Dog Games (80 Microsoft Points miss the Dodgeball league they had on Gameshow Network).
A review copy was provided to Indie Gamer Chick for the purposes of testing out online multiplayer. The copy played by the Chick was paid for with her money. The review copy was given to a friend who had no feedback in this review. Consult the FAQfor how review copies work at Indie Gamer Chick.
Next up is Avatars on the Edge, which is sort of a skateboarding-race game that feels like a bad Mario Kart clone. This is one of those titles where you play it and feel like the potential for something a cut above average has been laid, but it’s not ready for primetime yet. The biggest problem is that the track layouts are confusing. Avatars on the Edge does an admirable job of giving you a sense of speed, but you often have no idea which way you’re supposed to go. The only help the game offers is a red beacon, but otherwise you have to trial-and-error your way through each course, which is not the type of gameplay I’m looking for in a racer. Even worse is the insane requirements to unlock each new stage. You have to hit a target time in order to progress, but those times are too short, probably from the developers being too good at their own game and not realizing that the rest of us haven’t spent our lives practicing at it.
Props to the team behind this for the graphics and frame-rate, which only had a few brief hiccups. However, some of the courses look awful, with too much blacks and not enough texture. Gives the game an unfinished look.
Avatars on the Edge also has problems with fairness. I played an online race set on a monorail track. Because your character moves so fast and the controls are so loose, making narrow turns and taking sharp corners is frustrating. Still, I was doing pretty well on this particular race. Then the train came around again. The strip you have on the side of the track is far too thin and leaves no margin for error, and thus I got smacked by the train. But then, when I respawned, the train was still there and I got splattered again the very moment I came back. Hmmph. Finally, I respawn for the second time in a row, only it put my character on the edge of a cliff, and there was no way I could correct it, leading to me dying for the third time in just a few seconds. That whole sequence pretty much sums up everything wrong with Avatars on the Edge. Crappy stage layouts, overly difficult requirements placed on players, and unfair mechanics. With a lot of patchwork, something good might come of it someday, but for now, this game sucks.
Finally, Terranon Worlds. It’s the first game I’ve played on XBLIG that uses Asteroid style controls, which I’ve never been a fan of. I think gaming has come a long ways since 1979. Since that time, there’s been an amazing innovation called a “joystick” that allows for more precision movements. Here, the stick is used just to aim you, while you have to manually fire thrusters. I didn’t make it too far into Terranon Worlds though. The enemies are too small, your are bullets too slow, and aiming is too imprecise. Worst yet, the amount of enemies ramps up so quickly and they’re so picture perfect in their movements and aiming that the game quickly becomes unreasonable.
Plus, the upgradable stat thing is bungled horribly. The worst part is how you have a limit on how many bullets you can fire at once. This was an utterly awful idea given the sheer volume of enemies, and how tough it is to line up an accurate shot. You have to spend the majority of the game running away from enemies while you wait for your bullets to refill. You can upgrade these things, but the game becomes too overwhelming before you have enough points to put an acceptable amount of muscle in them. Having said that, there’s a “free mode” where you get a ton of money right out of the starting gate to upgrade stats, and I still never found the gun was well done, even fully pumped up. At best, I didn’t have to worry about my bullets running out. Shooting was still too difficult because the enemies are too small and too fast. I don’t know if multiplayer takes the ease off either, because nobody was willing to dive into this with me. Can’t say I blame them. If I got swimming through raw sewage, come out smelling like shit and complaining about how nasty it was, it’s hard to convince people to join you the next time.
Well, at least the enemies look like they get bigger. Wait, why did the game start out with the smaller, harder to shoot enemies? Shouldn’t the bigger ones that make easier targets have been the tutorial-level baddies?
While I dig Terranon Worlds’ neo-retro vibe, it just isn’t fun. Some older concepts can be done today with modern sensibilities and become spectacular. Look at We Are Cubes. Look at Orbitron. Look at Minigame Marathon. These are games that take tired ideas and make them work again. You can’t just dig up antiquated game mechanics, throw upgradable stats in, and expect it to still be relevant in today’s climate. The developer of Terranon Worlds did that, and his game suffers for it. He should have asked himself what could be improved with the original formula. The tiny enemies, for example. I always hated picking off the last tiny fragments in Asteroids. Some kind of aiming bar, or cross-hairs, or homing shots might have improved that. Instead, you have to watch while your bullets miss and the enemies leave you no room for second chances. That’s what frustrates me about Terranon Worlds. The formula wasn’t worked with enough to make it palatable. Also known as Pepsi Next Syndrome.
Terranon Worlds was developed by Snargosoft (80 Microsoft Points think whatever chances that Asteroids movie had of being made were probably sunk by Battleship in the making of this review).
Avatar Trials: Ninja Uprising is another University of Utah student game. It’s really hard to believe it comes from the same pool of classmates that ultimately gave us Magnetic By Nature, one of the year’s best and most refreshing games. Avatar Trials is one of this year’s worst XBLIGs, and one of those rare games where my biggest challenge with it is trying to find anything positive to say about it. After having a few days to think about it, I couldn’t come up with a single nice thing to comment on. Avatar Trials is without merit in every way possible.
Starting with the graphics. Not only are they ugly, but they get in the way of gameplay. Because of the colors selected for backgrounds, it causes severe problems in judging distance between platforms. As a result, Avatar Trials comes across like an evil eye exam developed by an unscrupulous optometrist who wants to pad his wallet by making every patient he sees think they’re going blind. Combine this with one of the most spastic, uncooperative cameras I’ve encountered in years. At the most inappropriate times, it will swing around and zoom in on a wall. Not even a pretty wall, either. I mean, if it was a close-up of the Great Wall of China or the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem, I could understand why the camera would focus on it. It would be pretty fucking cool to see. These walls? They look like someone threw a box of crayons and a blank piece of paper into a cement mixer and scanned the results into the game.
None of the screen shots from Avatar Trials selected for the market seem to show actual gameplay. Just shots of the map.
These problems might be worth looking past if the controls were well done. However, movement is extremely loose and jumping is too floaty. In a game where judging distance is already an issue, having anything less than pin-point precision in movement would be a fatal blow. That’s the case here. Platforms will be overshot even when you feel you’re being conservative in jumping. Or sometimes you’ll get right up to a ledge and leap for it, only to completely short what looked like a small distance. Plus, the that damn camera never stops being a bastard, so sometimes you’ll make a straight across jump only for the camera to swing wildly to the side, throwing off your angles and causing you to fall to the ground, or sometimes to your death. And, if you manage to somehow get past all these issues without swearing off games in disgust, Avatar Trials will throw some nifty glitches at you. The most common one seems to getting stuck hanging on walls that aren’t there. It happened to me several times, and apparently it happened to Timothy H. Hurley Esq. as well. But, I have Hurlmeister topped, because sometimes when I was hanging on the invisible wall, I would let go and get stuck, or outright fall through the world geometry. I’ve played some truly inept 3D games on XBLIG, but I can’t think of one that is this bad on this many levels.
Look, it’s a student project. I get it. And believe me, I get no pleasure pulling this thing apart like a vulture does with carrion. But, Avatar Trials: Ninja Uprising was dead on arrival and my job is to explain why. Also, regardless of whether this is a student project or not, it’s also a commercial game that costs real money for people to own. Maybe I expected too much from this, on the grounds that it comes from students who apparently took the same courses as the team behind the increasingly better looking Magnetic By Nature. I’m not sure why the quality is so low that it can only be reached by submarine. I would think maybe the team behind this partied too hard and studied too little, but we’re talking about the University of Utah here. I think their idea of a party is sneaking a caffeinated beverage into the dorms. Perhaps I’m completely wrong about the intentions though. Maybe the assignment was to create the most broken, unplayable game possible, and then after it was released, fix it. If so, A+ on the effort for part one. Having said that, I would sooner believe the Titanic could be seaworthy again before anything could be salvaged from Avatar Trials.
80 Microsoft Points noted that all the students and educators involved in the University of Utah’s Entertainment Arts and Engineering program have been class acts and are deserving of encouragement and support in the making of this review. Just don’t buy this fucking game.
Magnetic By Nature is the latest game from students attending the University of Utah. I know what you’re thinking. “Hey, wait a second. What do people from Utah know about having fun? Didn’t they ban their only form of that in the 40s?” Actually, inappropriate polygamy jokes aside, they know plenty about fun. Atari founder Nolan Bushnell discovered the medium of games as a student at the University of Utah. So in essence, we owe the gaming industry as it exists today to their beautiful, boring, Pac-10 devaluing institution. It makes me happy that the science of creating games is taught there to this day. It would be wrong otherwise, like if Harvard stopped teaching law, or Fresno State stopped teaching binge drinking.
In M-B-N, you play as a robot who has to make his way across levels by using magnetic powers. I played a game with a similar hook last year, the beautiful but frustrating to the point of not being so fun Lumi. Magnetic features more intuitive controls and faster-paced gameplay than that disappointing Dream-Build-Play winner. I actually expected nothing more than a glorified sampler here, because the team behind it is actively using crowd funding to prepare a larger PC release. Combine that with the XBLIG version coming in at 80MSP and featuring the subtitle “Awakening.” Which, by the way, is about as unimaginative a subtitle as you can get. I look forward to the sequel, which will no doubt be called “The Return.” Or, if they’re feeling frisky, “The Revenge.”
Show of hands: who is sick of games with the Limbo/Insanely Twisted Shadow Planet-like silhouette thing? Let’s see, 1, 2, 3, 4..
Anyway, the XBLIG version of Magnetic most definitely does not feel like a sampler, even if the devs say that’s what it is. You’ll get a complete experience that will take about sixty to ninety minutes to complete. Levels range from dexterity-based platforming challenges to physics-based puzzles, the latter of which there aren’t nearly enough of. Mostly, the game centers around precision flinging of the protagonist. And it really is flinging. Even by time the game ended, I had never gotten fully used to the physics, or had a comfortable feel for trajectories and speed. In essence, your character is a guided missile and you’ll often feel a sense of luck rather than accomplishment when clearing a tricky stage. In many games, that would be annoying. In M-B-N, it seems fitting. I had a little magnet play set when I was a kid and I remember how tough it was to push stuff across a table in a straight line using them. I thought of that while playing this game. It gives it an authentic feel. By the way, I had that magnet set for about a week, but then Daddy took it away after I showed him the pretty rainbow I made on the television using it. True story.
But, other control issues rear their ugly head. Movement without the magnets feels too touchy. Sometimes this combines with the magnetic gimmick to cause extra frustration, like a stage with a moving magnet and increasingly narrow rows of spikes that requires you to simultaneously feather the joystick and the magnetic circle. But at least stages like that are manageable. A pair of auto-scrolling stages with a deadly beam of light that I called the Kill You Bar were bungled about as bad as they could have been, simply due to the bar moving too fast. I’m also of the belief that these stages were in the wrong order. The last one of these was a brainless trial-and-error reflex tester. The first auto-scroll stage seemed to combine the best ideas of the game’s physics and had a climatic feel to it. In fact, it probably could have been the final stage of the whole game. Sadly, both these sections (the second one especially), were hampered by frame rate hiccups that seemed to get worse the more times you died. The lag became so bad that it rendered Magnetic By Nature completely broken. Then something weird happened. I found out that if you hit restart and have the game reload the level instead of just respawning after death, the lag becomes tolerable and I was able to finish the stage. It’s still inexcusable to exist like this, but the game is strong enough that you’ll want to finish.
..1,947,685, 1,947,686, 1,947,687, 1,947,688.. you know what, I think they get the picture.
On the bright side, the developers are aware of a couple of the more frustrating issues and are working on fixes. But even before they’re done, Magnetic By Nature is a surprisingly solid game. I’ve played several student projects since starting Indie Gamer Chick, and while some have been decent enough, none have outright impressed me. Magnetic By Nature does. I guess the reason for my surprise was, despite a cool looking trailer, I had low expectations going in. Physics puzzlers on XBLIG are typically disasters. Plus, I’m completely burned out on the whole silhouette-hero in a dark world thing, which is about as common a feature among indie platformers these days as the ability to jump. But I had no need to worry. Magnetic By Nature, despite problems, is genuinely fun and refreshing and you should expect to enjoy it. Bravo University of Utah guys and gals who made this and carry the legacy of the founding fathers of the gaming industry. But please, for God’s sake, stick with making games. Don’t open a chain of arcade-pizzerias with singing rats and shitty food. That’s a legacy you can live without.
Early on in Thomas Was Alone, I really didn’t get the hype for it. “THIS is the game all the cool kids are talking about?” I tweeted, somewhat baffled. I mean, don’t get me wrong. The game was alright. But my fans had been trumpeting this one since it launched on PC last summer, promising me that it was a platformer unlike anything I’ve played before. To a degree, they were right. You just can’t tell right away. Thomas Was Alone is one of those slow-starters that wakes up at seven but doesn’t get out of bed until eight.
At heart, Thomas Was Alone is a minimalist platform-puzzler with the hook being an eccentric storyline that gives personality to the squares and rectangles you control. Again, it’s something that didn’t grab me at first. It came across as artsy-fartsy, bordering on pretentious. But, about a third of the way through, it started to grow on me. Who would have guessed that it was possible to give such distinct traits to fundamental shapes, with no animation sprites or anything resembling humanity? It does it so well that I would think one could consider Thomas a candidate for strongest writing of the year. But I have to disqualify it for that, on account of a couple groan-inducing references to the Cake is a Lie and the Arrow to the Knee. God damn it so much. Is there some kind of code on the indie development scene that I’m not aware of? Like a secret handshake or something? Two guys go up to each other at a developer conference, lock pinkys, touch ring-fingers with the other hand, say “The Cake is a Lie!” and then fall down laughing until it hurts because that will NEVER EVER grow old or stop being funny ever no matter what? Well it’s not funny and it hasn’t been for years. No matter how many ways you guys try to make it work, it never does. You’ve beaten this dead horse into dust, and now you’re just beating your fist on the blood-soaked ground underneath it. STOP IT!!
I think everyone’s favorite character is Claire, the big blue block with delusions of grandeur. I would love to get more of her story.
Anyway, mostly strong writing. However, it ended without giving me a sense of closure for the characters that I had grown fond of, or anything resembling a satisfactory conclusion for the overall story. It just sort of ends. And don’t look for the DLC to provide the comfort of an ending either, because it doesn’t. I guess Thomas Was Alone’s finale is supposed to be open to interpretation or something, but I was left disappointed.
You know what? I don’t play platformers for their stories. If they’re decent or better, that’s just a bonus. For this genre, gameplay is king. In which case, Thomas Was Alone is at best a knight, bordering on a rook. After a mind-numbingly dull start, the level design picks up momentum about one-third of the way in. By time you’ve reached the finish line, you’ll have played some of the most inspired levels seen in platforming in a long while. But, the ratio of slog-to-awesome is not so great. A good portion of levels revolve around stacking your characters in a way to make a staircase for the less jumpy in your squad. A handful of these would have been just fine. But sometimes you’ll have to build the exact same staircase five or more times in a single level. It’s tedious busy-work that needlessly cramps the game’s whimsical style.
When Thomas Was Alone’s level design is good, it’s really good. So good that my ear-to-ear grin was in place because of just how clever a world was designed and not because of the narration. Quite frankly, after a way-too-long tutorial sequence with levels and platforming so basic that it makes Atari-era stuff like Pitfall! look advanced, I wasn’t expecting it to be as good as it was. Then I would be hit with some pretty ingenious stages that involve timing, precision platforming, and thinking outside-the-box. I loved these moments. I’ve always said I’ll take those “ta-da!” moments in puzzlers over the best headshots in shooters or game-winning shots in sports games. Thomas doesn’t provide a lot of those moments, but when it does, it’s special.
My only possible complaint about the controls (outside of the DLC pack) is switching between the characters always felt a bit cumbersome. I’m not sure if the Vita handles this with touch-controls, but if it doesn’t, that would be a good idea.
Don’t worry, puzzle haters. There is nothing here that will bend your brain or make you have to consult GameFAQs. At most, Thomas will ask of you to apply some forward thinking and course plotting. Most of the puzzles revolve around what order you guide the blocks to the goal of each stages. Victory is achieved through having all blocks in their unique exit doors at the same time. Once you have a feel for the abilities and limitations of each block, figuring how to get them to the doors comes naturally. Actually, it almost becomes instinctual. It’s so rare that a puzzle-platformer does that to me that I can’t help but be impressed. It also helps that the controls are smooth and the main game never asks more of a player than can be reasonably expected. I don’t consider myself especially skilled at platformers, but I must be getting better. I figure I died probably around a dozen times over the course of the game’s one-hundred levels. Thomas Was Alone gives a trophy out for dying 100 times, but by time I had finished the game, I still hadn’t earned it. I’m pretty proud of that.
I’m not here to give the game an undeserved blowjob though. There’s plenty of problems with it. I’ve described some above, but the one that gets me the most is the difficulty curve. Or lack thereof. Other critics have noted how perfect the curve is. It makes me wonder if they played the same game as me. Even late in Thomas Was Alone, I encountered stages that offered no challenge at all to finish. The sixth world (really the seventh world, since the world numbering starts in the zeros) especially stands out. I wasn’t timing it, but it probably took between ten to fifteen minutes to complete while possessing the most basic and dull stages since the opening tutorial. Just weird that this would pop-up over half-way through. But stages like this are all over the place. I guess the excuse for these (and the overly long fish-in-barrel stages that start this thing) is they’re there as place-holders to drive the story. Well that’s a shitty excuse. A platformer should never let proper storytelling get in the way of proper pacing. People probably should buy the game for the game. I mean, it’s a pretty good game. So while I enjoyed the story, I almost resent the fact that the vastly superior gameplay was in part sacrificed for it. The result is a curve that appeared to be drawn by someone laying in a hammock during an earthquake.
After finishing the final stage, you’re treated to an extremely brief ending, and then the credits roll. I was disappointed not just by the ending but by the last level. Thomas Was Alone goes out with a whimper instead of a bang, which left me wanting more. After stewing on it overnight, I decided to grab the overpriced DLC pack. My intent was to get my craving for more Thomas out of my system. Mission accomplished, but not in the way I intended.
The DLC levels are so horrible and mismatched with the main body of the game that I actively questioned whether developer Mike Bithell had entered his emo phase in life when he designed them. Thomas Was Alone was a quirky logic-puzzle-platformer. The DLC levels alternate between back-to-basics platforming (that you have to pay extra to suffer through) and punisher-stages designed with nothing else in mind than a huge body count. What a stupid decision on developer’s part. These levels do not remotely have the almost childish innocence the main game does. It’s also the first time the controls didn’t feel right. Benjamin, the star of the DLC, possess a jet pack, but the only use they could come up with for it was navigating narrow corridors of spikes. The controls here are so touchy and the margin for error so low that any possible fun that could be had gives way to frustration and boredom. Benjamin’s Flight has twenty stages, and while the cutesy story is present, I can honestly say that I didn’t find one single stage of this pack to be worth paying any amount of money for. It might be the worst level pack I’ve ever purchased. I just don’t get why the tone changed so much. It would be like announcing that they’re going to make a new Dark Knight movie, only this one will be a buddy comedy and Batman is being recast as Adam Sandler.
Submitted for your consideration: level 11.6 of the DLC. I nominate this for “worst stage in a good game.” It’s repetitive and insanely long for what it offers. Like the rest of the pack, it adds no value to the overall game.
So here’s where I stand: Thomas Was Alone is pretty decent, but it takes a while to get that way. I wish the developer had focused more on ingenuity. When the levels in Thomas are clever, it’s one of the best of its breed to come out in a while. There’s just enough meat here to call it a must-buy. At the same time, the story ultimately left me feeling unsatisfied, and the game only has enough “this is amazing!” moments that it ultimately feels under-realized. You can’t count on the DLC to drown-out those thoughts, because it feels rushed and sort of half-assed. So different from the feel of the main quest that I was a little surprised to learn they came from the same guy who had awed me just yesterday. If I had my way, Thomas Was Alone would be alone, because I would bury that DLC in the desert next to unsold Atari carts.
$7.99 with PlayStation Plus discount (normally priced $9.99) plus $3.49 (Benjamin’s Flight DLC) said “hey now, Red Kryptonite has caused all sorts of problems, so don’t go there” in the making of this review.
Thomas Was Alone is Chick Approved, but for God’s sake, skip the DLC unless it’s free. And even then, you’re not missing anything by ignoring it.
PlayStation Mobile is to the Vita what Xbox Live Indie Games is to the Xbox 360. Whether that’s a good thing or not is in the eye of the beholder, I suppose. I wasn’t around for the early stages of XBLIG, but based on what I hear from my buddies Ryan, George, and Justin, the early days were nowhere near the desolate wasteland that PSM is turning into. Looking at the slate of recent releases, nothing really has caught my fancy for it. But then again, nothing really caught my eye on iPhone either. My Vita has been getting a bit dusty though. Nothing like my Wii U, which currently wears the same amount of dust as your average mummy.
Again, nothing looked like an attractive purchase, so I just sort of had to guess what might surprise me. So I bet on Super Brain Eat 3. Probably because it was only 49¢ and I’m like one of those people on their first trip to Vegas who eases into the experience by playing on the wussy tables. You know, the ones typically occupied by silver-haired old ladies who try and fail to mask the stench of looming decomposition by coating their bodies in musk oil? Yea, it was like that. The game was developed by a dude named Thomas Hopper. He’s the most prolific PSM developer, with six titles on the platform. I already reviewed one of his, Super Skull Smash GO! It was a decent little retro platzzle (I got “punisher” into the lexicon, and by gum, I’m going to get “platzzle” in it too), but it had a few problems. I felt perhaps the game was too married to the retro concept, to the detriment of the controls and physics.
Saying Super Brain Eat 3 is a bit ugly is like saying water is a bit wet.
I hadn’t played any of Thomas’ other games. Skull Smash was easily his best looking title, in that it seemed like it would be fun from screen shots, which is really all you have to go off of on the PSM marketplace. But what gave me cause to worry is that he was perhaps too prolific. Like maybe he rushes through development too quickly on titles. Thus, I set my expectations low for Super Brain Eat 3. And who knows, maybe I set them too low, because I really did have a good time with it. It’s a Pac-Man style maze game. Eat brains, avoid ghosts. You can get special potions that allow you to fire at enemies, or grant you the ability to destroy ghosts by coming in contact with them. It also features spikes and various other traps on the floor, plus you have to return to the starting door once you eat all the brains on the stage. Oh, and SBE3 is needlessly gory, with lots of blood splatters as you pick up the brains. I’m guessing the aim of the developer was to invoke a Doom-like atmosphere into a Pac-Man style maze title. Personally, I wish he had gone with a different theme and had a more Namco-like 80s skin on this one. I believe gaming has evolved past the era where gore sells. Retro is in, and on a platform where developers are struggling to sell on the same level that XBLIGs are, developers really need to do everything in their power to make a game stand out. Going off screen-shots (which is all you can do on PSM. No trailers, no demos), Super Brain Eat 3 looks like it would be boring and awful. A potentially devastating first-impression, like beginning a first date by spelling out your name in Morse Code using armpit farts.
Having missed the era where 4/5ths of games attempted to be like Pac-Man, I’m not as burned out on these type of games as some of my readers seem to be. Super Brain Eat 3 is genuinely fun and mostly a well-designed title with lots of great ideas at work here. Sure, the AI is completely brain-dead. Fitting I suppose, since they are ghosts, which means they’re dead-dead. They’re so dumb that it should hurt the game, but because they’re vulnerable to the spikes on the floor, you can manipulate them into killing themselves. I love it. It takes a potentially negative aspect and makes it beneficial, rewarding, and hilarious. Enemies that are somewhere off-screen are marked with indicators on the screen’s edge, and you’ll often see them just randomly die. It never stops being funny. It also explains how they ended up as ghosts in the first place.
You get a pretty decent amount of levels in Super Brain Eat 3, plus there’s actually two free level packs coming soon. I would still give the “best game on PSM” nod to OMG-Zombies! or Cubixx, but I think the best value on the platform firmly belongs to Super Brain Eat 3. It’s only 49 cents. Nobody would have faulted the developer for releasing those level packs as spinoffs, but he’s giving them away! Super Brain Eat 3 is not perfect by any means. The control is a bit on the loose side, which sometimes led to me going a step further than I meant to. My biggest gripe, and it’s so rare for me to harp on this, is the graphics. The game looks bad in screen-shots, and only slightly better in motion. The environments are sterile and there isn’t any variety in the settings. The level packs look like they will ease that a bit, but not by much. There are lots of greys, stark reds, and pale greens. The game itself isn’t boring, but the graphics almost make it feel like it is. The graphic style does occasionally get in the way too. The retractable spikes on the floor, for example, are the same color as the floor is. In a way, it’s heart breaking. It would be like having an amazing script for a movie and then finding out they’ve cast Ashton Kutcher in the lead and all the monster effects will be done using Play-Doh.
It’s ironic that the spikes don’t stick out.
I alternated between thinking the game was rushed or thinking the developer was lazy. Do you know why that sucks? Because it drowned out the thoughts of how talented the developer was. Super Brain Eat 3 is a good game, but it doesn’t look like it will be. I had six friends who own Vitas (I think this represents 8% of all Vita owners world-wide) look at this title in the store. They all agreed it would be a bad game. The trailer did nothing to diminish that thought. It looks sloppy. It looks ugly. It seems to yell “I will be a terrible!” Nothing could be further from the truth. I promise you, Super Brain Eat 3 is worth at least a buck. It’s unquestionably worth $0.49. Which I believe is about double the game’s art budget.
Super Brain Eat 3 is Chick Approved. And no, apparently there is no Super Brain Eat 1 or 2. That’s another bone-headed development decision. I’m guessing it was done to be funny. Instead, it makes it seem like there’s a whole series of games that got no attention, possibly because they were no good. How could a game that is so good not get one thing right artistically? Horrible name. Ugly graphics. Very enjoyable game. You should get it.
I wasn’t even sure I was going to get to play Guacamelee! Many readers, aware that I have epilepsy, warned me that the game occasionally vomits flashy, eye-hurting rainbows. However, I was given assurances from readers that such effects only happen when you pick up an upgrade or immediately as you enter a boss battle. They were right, and I was able to play Guacamelee. Hooray for me!
Unfortunately, after a couple very promising opening hours, Guacamelee fell apart. For me at least. I felt the game had issues with padding, humor, and the occasional game-killing bug. Someone who I think is part of the development team assures me a patch is on the way for such bugs, which might be able to bump the game up to a Seal-of-Quality title. Despite all the bitching I’m about to do, there’s a pretty good game somewhere in this mess. A game that at times made me laugh, cheer, and occasional spit on my television.
They should have found someone else to be the hero. Juan slouches. Real heroes don’t slouch.
The idea is you’re a dude who was tragically born with his neck coming out of his chest. The president’s daughter is kidnapped by an evil undead bullfighter person. In the process, you’re murdered, but you come back as a super-powered luchador who must save the girl and the world from being merged with the realm of the dead. I appreciate how the guys behind this took a moldy-old game story and dressed it up with funny dialog and a couple twists along the way. Having said that, I wasn’t a big fan of the whole luchador thing. It seems like it was done more out of a desire to be quirky. The gag seems to be “luchadores are random and weird, get it?” Yea, I got it. I got it years ago when Killer 7 had a luchador in it. I got it when Jack Black played a luchador in a movie. I got it when WB had a Luchador-themed children’s cartoon and an accompanying awful Game Boy Advance game.
The luchador setting only serves a purpose to the game in the combat, which has a wrestling theme to it. You punch, you grapple, you throw, or you buy advanced moves like a suplex or a piledriver. Great. But why wasn’t the theme more incorporated into the plot or the humor? Juan becomes a luchador, and then he’s just a luchador for the rest of the game (except for when he’s a chicken. Don’t ask). They could have made gags or a plot that revolved around him having to avoid losing his mask, since that’s a central theme for luchadores. Or they could have made jokes about how wrestling is staged. Instead, it’s left at “he’s a luchador, and that in and of itself is quirky.” No, it’s not.
Other humor in the game comes in the form of referencing online memes, the joke being “it’s that thing you know of. We also know of it, and we made reference to it in our game!” That’s not a joke. If I go up to a stranger and say “did you ever see that video of a monkey that picks its ass, smells its finger, and then passes out?” that is not me performing stand-up comedy to that person. Guacamelee way over uses this, and that’s sad because there’s some characterizations and bits of dialog that don’t use the referential-humor crutch. Like the slutty demonic chick that hangs out with the bad guys and shakes her ass at you in an attempt to get her way. Which doesn’t work, making her pout. That’s funny. “Hey look, it’s Strong Bad!” or “Hey look, it’s Link!” is not funny. It’s just not. Retro City Rampage had the same problem, where the jokes were mostly “It’s funny because I too have seen the games you played or watched the movies and/or television programs you watched!” Some people enjoy this type of humor. There’s been eleven seasons of Family Guy and five installments of Scary Movie. I personally don’t get it, but I guess there is an audience that just wants assurance that, yes, other people remember the pop culture trivia that you remember.
Why does Juan have a championship belt on? That should have been something you get for beating the game. “He got it for beating death! Get it?” says Brian. I suppose.
Guacamelee is a 2D Metroidvania, something I probably should have mentioned early. I love this genre, and I really wanted to love Guacamelee. At first I did. The graphics are absolutely stunning, and the play controls seems like it will be pretty good. The world of Guacamelee is well designed, with vast dungeons to explore, towns to mingle in, and lots of hidden pathways to open up unlockables. However, I wasn’t thrilled with the combat. Many are considering it to be the game’s greatest attribute, so I think I could probably have trimmed this review down to “play the demo. If you like the combat, you’ll like the whole game.” I really didn’t mind fighting, for the most part. It’s actually fun to string together huge combos, throw enemies into each-other, or see how long you can keep yourself airborne while dishing out damage.
But then the game starts to lock-down for forced arena-style combat. This was presumably done to pad out the length. I came to dread these sections because it kills the pace of the game and makes the combat needlessly feel like busy work. The developers tried to keep it from stagnating by giving enemies shields which require a specific special move to break, or having enemies appear in one dimension and their shadows (which are still capable of causing you damage) in another. This forces you to switch from dimension to dimension (this is a thing you can do, I probably should have mentioned that too) to fight the baddies off. The intentions here were good, but the shields and the phasing-planes combat just adds to the tedium and makes fighting a chore when you’re locked in a single-screen. Worse yet, your dude dramatically flies back, Simon Belmont-style, when you get knocked down. Getting up is slow, and once up, your temporary-invincibility is too brief. Thus, enemies can and will juggle you. I went into a room late in the game with full health, got knocked down once, and never again had a real opening to fight back as multiple guys (some of whom fire projectiles) just endlessly pounded the crap out of me. You do have a dodge attack, but the window to use it is too brief. It also doesn’t help when a room has multiple enemies attacking just out-of-synch enough that, when one attack animation is ending, the other is beginning. Now admittedly, I have no sense of timing, but a quick look at a few YouTube videos confirms that other players are the victims of cheap hits as well.
By the way, most of those videos end with the players talking about how much they love the combat in Guacamelee. I guess some people are just wired to enjoy this type of shit. I really did like the combat, but there’s too many foibles associated with it that I couldn’t get over. Personally, if I wanted to get ganged up on with no opening to fight back, I’d book myself to go on the O’Reilly Factor.
I’m not so sure Juan would make a good wrestler. He spends most of the combat laying on his back.
Controls can be frustrating too. I had trouble hitting just the basic (press circle) headbutt on yellow-shielded enemies, as I would typically do some other form of attack. This became especially true after I opened up the blue “dash-forward” move. In order to throw those headbutts, I had to completely stop moving and set myself, as any forward momentum seemed to cause the wrong attack. This gets kind of difficult when you have multiple enemies ganging up on you and no pure method of blocking. The only way to avoid getting juggled is to move around, but the only way to break an enemy’s shield is to sit still. You can see how this might be a problem. It gets really swear-inducing when enemy shields reappear after you’ve broken them because you didn’t kill them fast enough. This all just makes the game so much more aggravating than it needs to be. Those locked in combat rooms too, only done to pad out the play time. Games don’t need to be long to be amazing or earn critical acclaim. Look at Journey. The average player takes barely three hours to finish it, and it won numerous Game of the Year awards over big-hitting contenders and multimillion dollar AAA titles. So would it have mattered if Guacamelee was an hour shorter and didn’t have those combat rooms? I don’t think it would have hurt its reputation at all.
I didn’t finish Guacamelee. Towards the end, it started to bug out on me. First, I couldn’t complete the training room because every time I got half-way through a combo, the screen would go completely black. I wasn’t sure if this was done intentionally to add challenge, but then I found out that wasn’t the case. Then the stuff with the yellow shields took over the combat and slowed the pace down even more. Finally, I got into one of those combat rooms. This one was especially annoying due to having nearly-out-of-reach bomb/enemy things that you have to kill before a timer ticks down, or they explode and claim a lot of your life. On top of those, there was a large pillar with a spike on top of it that you had to hop back and forth over. The controls were decent, but not so great that such actions could be completed smoothly every time. On top of those, there were projectile-throwing enemies who (along with the bombs) could phase between the two planes of existence. I did suck at the combat, quite frankly, and I had reached that point I sometimes get to where I just want a game to be over with. Well, after failing a couple of times at this room, I finally cleared it out. Only the game glitched out and the doors never unlocked. Thus I would be forced to exit to the title screen and start the room over. But, I don’t want to. I’m done. Seen enough. Satisfied that it’s not going to get better. Don’t want to risk this happening again. Get back to me when you’re patched. It will probably end with the stupid “A Winner Is You” line from Pro Wrestling on the NES anyway.
(spoiler alert, highlight: holy fuck, it does. Jesus Christ, I was fucking joking!)
Hello? Please let me out? Please?
There’s a ton to like about Guacamelee. It has personality. It has charm. It has an incredible map. It’s very beautiful to look at. Most people even like the music. I don’t. Personally, I think Mexican music must have been invented by an atheist to disprove the existence of God. Really, though, your like or dislike of Guacamelee will come down entirely towards whether or not you enjoy the combo-heavy combat of the game, cheapness and all. I liked it but couldn’t get past the cheapness. I would still barely recommend it despite that, but the game has issues with glitches and I really think those need to be cleaned up before I say “okay, now you can get it.” I’m told fixes are on the way, so if you have PlayStation Plus, get it now while it’s on sale and just wait to play it. Just don’t expect a game of the year contender. Expect yourself to say “what were they thinking, making you push this many buttons mid-air just to get across this one room? Were they fucking mad?”
I have to say, I’ve never been a fan of the “being chased by a gigantic monster” action beats in games.
Oh, and in closing, I know this wasn’t my funniest review (was my longest though). To make up for it, here’s a random sampling of games I’ve played and movies I’ve seen. Feel free to bust a gut if you’ve watched/played the same things. Remember, this qualifies as humor: Portal, Final Fantasy, Mario, Sudoku, Parcheesi, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, Seven Psychopaths, Se7en, Seven Samurai, Total Recall, Total Recall that sucks, the Zapruder film of Kennedy’s assassination, and a video of a monkey that picks its butt, sniffs its finger, then passes out. Okay, you can stop laughing now. The review is over.
$11.99 ($14.99 for non PlayStation Plus members) said “it’s different when *I* make referential jokes because.. um.. hey look over there!” in the making of this review.
I have an idea for a children’s game. In it, you’ll play as a pre-pubescent lad who will wander the world making animals fight for sport and for fame. You’ll start with one enslaved creature (possibly an adorable mouse-lightning bolt thing, something that just oozes cuteness) and then randomly fight other adorable creatures along the countryside. During a fight, right at the moment before your huggable little animal buddy delivers a merciless death-blow to the creature it just beat into a pulp, you’ll capture the creature in a cage way too small for it to possibly live comfortably in. You’ll then force it to fight creatures that you wish to enslave, with your ultimate aim being to capture one of every creature like some deranged, asexual Noah.
And I’ve just been handed a cease and desist order, as apparently someone else already had this idea and has made billions off it. Huh. You know, I thought I paid a lot of attention to gaming. I’m not sure how that one slipped me by.
Actually, more than one person had this idea. Sort of. A wild XBLIG just appeared before me called Indiemon: Earth Nation. Quick thought: if you remove the word “Indiemon” from that name, would it not sound like a reality show you would expect to see on Discovery Channel? No? Just me? Okay, never mind.
Thank God they used up one of their four marketplace pics for a splash of the game. By the way, unless it looks different in an encounter, I don’t remember ever fighting the monster shown here. Unless it was one of the final two boss monsters the last guy you fight pulled out, both of which I killed in a single hit after about two seconds.
So Indiemon is just like my hypothetical game would have been, except you’re a dude dressed like a knight instead of a baseball cap and parachute pants wearing child. Well, that just saps the whimsy right out of the concept, does it not? I mean, why does a knight need to make animals fight his battles for him? Wouldn’t he have, like, something pointy and deadly? A sword perhaps? A spear? No? So this guy in his fancy armor and sequined cape is making animals fight his battles for him?
What an asshole.
Well, being a friend to animals (I make a point of eating under six a day), I decided I wouldn’t be a jerk about it. Instead, I would only keep one Indiemon, a fuzzy cute little rabbit thing called Bunnidusk in the game and “Peter Cottonmurder” by me. When I engaged in battles with Peter, I decided to forgo any unnecessary violence against those innocent creatures that I so cowardly refused to fight myself. So, instead of going through all the fancy attacks that Peter had acquired through the leveling up process (which happens roughly every three to four minutes), I would just spend every battle selecting attack from the menu, then selecting the most basic attack I had available. Of course, such a brazenly lazy tactic would lead to failure in my hypothetical cockfighting game for children, where battles would be based around a rock-scissors-paper style strategy, probably something incorporating elements or living environments. But, in Indiemon, it worked. I never once had to use any attack except the weakest one I had open to me. I never had to capture a creature. I never came close to dying. I never once had to use any item to save a fight. Eventually, Peter Cottonmurder evolved (totally stolen from my hypothetical cockfighting game for children concept) into a giant, muscular, humanoid rabbit thing, sort of like Bucky O’Hare’s roided up cousin, Stucky O’HGHare. Tougher, stronger, and probably now possessing erectile dysfunction.
That’s him on the left. Who’s a cute little blood thirsty slayer of God’s creatures?
Not that it changed the game much. I could still breeze past any encounter just by mashing the A button until the battle ended with me standing over the bloody, comatose body of some helpless animal. I was amused that the game took time to note that any animal you beat-up is not dead, but rather “unconscious.” Well, that’s a moralistic weight off my shoulder, I can tell you that. Otherwise, you just walk from town-to-town, then go through a cave, and then meet an old dude at a dock, then the game ends, presumably to be continued at some point in the future. Yep, there’s not even a proper ending here. It just ends.
And thank God for that. I sound like a broken record this week, but Indiemon is so awful that I am almost at a loss for words. Thankfully, I have a thesaurus, and shall now list every synonym for awful: abominable, alarming, appalling, atrocious, deplorable, depressing, dire, disgusting, distressing, dreadful, fearful, frightful, ghastly, grody, gross, gruesome, grungy, harrowing, hideous, horrendous, horrible, horrific, horrifying, nasty, offensive, raunchy, repulsive, shocking, stinking, synthetic, tough, ugly, unpleasant, and unsightly. Well, besides raunchy or synthetic, I think all of those work.
Really, the biggest sin of Indiemon is just how fucking dull it is. There’s no original ideas on display here, which gives the game a boredom handicap right out of the starting gate. But once some of the technical flaws of the game begin, it really starts to fall apart. While going through the cave at the end of the game, it took me about five to ten minutes to find the dude who I needed to launch me on a ship in what turned out to be the “wait, that’s it?” ending sequence. Once I got him, I think something in the game must have crapped out, because I got stuck in the cave for over an hour dealing with non-stop “random encounters.” For a while, every single step I took led to a battle. It took me over an hour to make my way to the exit of the cave. Considering that this was the end of the game, I figured this was done intentionally to be the big finale gauntlet. However, I talked to another player of Indiemon who experienced no-such diarrhea of the random encounter. Huh. You ever get the feeling a game was intentionally trolling you? Happens to me all the time.
No, I don’t know why the pictures are cropped this way.
So Indiemon is boring and unoriginal and technically problematic. That’s not even mentioning how loose and busted the movement controls are. Whatever you do, don’t use the analog stick to walk. You’ll zig-zag around like a drunken knight who makes animals fight his battles for him like a total pussy. Character design is, well, I suppose no more lazy or absurd than your average new Pokemon is these days. But, I can’t even recommend Indiemon as the cheap dollar store knock-off that I suppose it has positioned itself to be. It’s just too bland. It actually manages to completely miss the point of what made Pokemon work. Remove all strategy from that series, make the artwork more crude and amateurish, and take away the childlike sense of wonder, and you would have a game ill-suited towards teaching kids the kind of skills needed to be the starting quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles.
Oopsie. Last night, I meant to download Rise of the Ravager by Gentleman Squid. Instead, I downloaded Seeds of Ralark. The reason for that was I wasn’t 100% sure what the title was, except it had the word “of” in it and the cover art looked a bit generic. You could see how I might make such a mistake.
Could be twins!
Well, I plunked down 80 Mystic Syrup Ponies for Seeds of Ralark, so I figure I might as well play it. Or attempt to at least. Seeds is the type of game where you almost wonder if it’s meant to be played at all. It’s a platformer without jumping. I think the aim of the developer was to be like Bionic Commando, because gameplay revolves around walking around as a gecko, moving from platform to platform by way of a grappling hook. Or, in the case of Seeds, a sticky tongue. Positive thing out-of-the-way first: the graphics are pretty. That’s the only nice thing I can say about Seeds. The play control is atrocious. Aiming the tongue is too loose, and the physics don’t want to cooperate. In a short play time, I even found some little quirks that make me wonder. Like, how come platforms don’t swing back and forth once you’ve moved them? You can use the tongue to grapple onto a platform, but move the platform you’re standing on by using sticky feet. However, when you let go with your tongue, the platform goes back to its starting position and locks into place. That’s just nonsensical.
I can’t really squeeze a full review out of Ralark because I didn’t even finish the tutorial. I put about thirty minutes into trying, but Seeds of Ralark had already become one of the most painful gaming sessions I had ever experienced. I guess this is being passed off as “difficult” by the developers, and I suppose that is the case. Of course, piecing together a broken statue with super glue might also be difficult, but even if you manage it, that doesn’t change the fact that the statue is broken. If Ralark handled better, it might be fun. Might. As it stands now, it’s one of the worst games I’ve ever played.
Seeds of Ralark offended my platforming fandom, and also gave me a desire to dump Geico as my insurance carrier.
How does a game this bad come along, and how does a developer not realize it’s a problem? In the case of Seeds of Ralark, I’m guessing this is a simple case of a developer becoming the best at their own game, not realizing that others are going to find it to be a frustrating, joyless chore to play. After all, they had no problem with the controls. The ones they designed, and know all the stupid quirks of that nobody else in their right mind would take the time to learn. And then you have a game like Rise of the Ravager, where the difficulty spikes so dramatically that any lingering fun is sapped away.
Ravager is a decent concept. A gallery shooter sort of like Galaga, only with the colored-bullets gameplay of something like Ikaruga. Sounds good, and at first, it is. Of course, Ikaruga is insanely difficult with just two colors of bullets. Ravager has four colors to worry about. For the less coordinated of the populace (raises hand), that alone could be enough of a turnoff to make Ravager easily skippable. But, the action was decent enough and showed enough promise that I felt I should continue. This lasted until I encountered the first boss, which was too spongy for its own good. I tried reshuffling my experience points into other categories (by far the smartest move the guys at Gentleman Squid did here) but still struggled. After roughly a dozen attempts, I finally beat it. But, by this point, I was fatigued by this less-than-exciting sequence and was just anxious for the game to be over. I call this Steven Seagal Syndrome, because I feel the same way when watching his movies.
This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but with giant colored heads raining down from the sky. Just like the Mayans predicted.
My boyfriend would like me to note that I’m not this game’s target audience. I try to be as unbiased as possible, but I also generally dislike shmups and have a tough time warming up to them. Having said that, Ravager has problems that extend beyond its genre. The color system requires skills that are typically a cut above what an average gamer possesses. I can handle it up to a certain point, but when you have different-colored enemies coming at you from different sides, with a couple of waves following right behind them, it really can be a bit overwhelming, to the point of being demoralizing. I also thought there were a few flaws in the upgrade system. Some of the upgrades are too expensive. You also get upgrade points by not taking damage on levels. However, to do so often requires utter perfection. If you could go back to previous stages and attempt to earn those points you missed (just the missed points, so as to avoid mindless grinding), this would be a great feature to have. But you can’t go back. Thus, those upgrade points that the majority of the gaming population really could use will be unobtainable.
Put it this way: let’s say you put me in a foot race with Usain Bolt. He would absolutely smoke me the first race. Now let’s say that because he beat me, I have to run the next race with my shoelaces tied together. Hey wait, shouldn’t HE be the one running with his shoelaces tied together? That would make for a closer, more exciting race, and I, the person ill-equipped to do well in such a task, would have a better chance of staying competitive. And that’s what is wrong with Ravager. Those upgrade points are out of reach for those who are in need of them the most. Being able to go back and get those points would take the edge off, but the developers are worried that their game might get too easy. So I guess that’s that. If only gaming was a medium where, and I’m speaking hypothetically here, you could have adjustable difficulty levels to cater to players of all skill levels. I know, there I go again, spouting off pure fanciful crazy talk. I still hold out hope that my insanely absurd “adjustable difficulty” crap will become a reality. Maybe the 720 or PS4 will have the processing power to pull of such a radical space age innovation.
I probably should also put out there that the developer was anxious for Brian and I to experiment with the co-op stuff, so we did. Brian jumped in at level 13. Again, not wanting their game to be “too easy”, the game features what they claim to be “scaling difficulty” that increases with the number of players. Thus, once Brian jumped in, the game suddenly had what seemed like three times the amount of enemies you would normally encounter, and those enemies took more bullets to kill. The dudes at Gentleman Squid based this off Diablo 2. Which you’ll note is a dungeon crawling hack-and-slasher, not a single-screened gallery shooter with limited movement. Scaling difficulty they say? I say the amount of shit two people had to deal with seemed more in line with something meant for four players. I actually shudder how much shit could be in a four player game. This was not well thought out.
Rise of the Ravager didn’t do much for me, besides make me want to go back and watch Legends of the Hidden Temple. I’m partial to the Orange Iguanas myself, although the Silver Snakes were not without charm.
I’m sure there is an audience for Rise of the Ravager. It has decent enough play control, pretty graphics, and a nice hook. The fact that I came close to enjoying it might speak volumes of its quality. But, based on my own subjective opinions, I can’t recommend it. It’s just not for me, in the same way that hiring someone to tie me to a bed and beat me with a bullwhip isn’t for me. Some people are into that kind of shit.
80 Microsoft Points apiece noted that the Leaderboard’s ranked percentage is the lowest now that it’s ever been in the making of this review. Pick it up, guys.
The Monastery was developed by Rendercode Games
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