Retro City Rampage
October 14, 2012 13 Comments
Warning: there will be some spoilers. The gist of this review is that Retro City Rampage is fun in spurts but the Grand Theft Auto stuff is the only parts that are good. Every classic gaming section is boring or worse, and most of the jokes are not funny. I don’t recommend it.
Retro City Rampage is a good game destroyed by a lack of restraint. It’s popular among older players because it hits all the right buttons that get their juices flowing. In other words, it references a lot of 80s gaming and pop culture, and that’s all you need to do to get most retro gamers happy. Sean Penn is statistically proven to be the most boring man in the world, but if he ever just blurted out “our princess is in another castle” you would have the entire gaming population over the age of 30 lining up to give him head. That’s the basis for all the humor in Retro City Rampage. If it’s 80s and pop culture, it’s here. Do you remember Metal Gear? Back to the Future? Battletoads? Bill & Ted? The dog from Duck Hunt? Married with Children? Saved by the Bell? Pitfall? Mega Man? Smash TV? Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? The guy who made this certainly did.
So what’s the punchline? “Hey, it’s that thing I remember from my childhood!” Well that’s not funny. There has to be some kind of gag to go with it. When Retro City Rampage has an actual joke, with a beginning, middle, and end, it’s typically funny. Otherwise, it’s just painful. I never got how humor like this is supposed to work. You know how every Adam Sandler movie has a Col. Sanders look-alike in it? What exactly is funny about that? Someone please explain it to me. I’m hoping some context will make it funny in time for his next shitty flick.
When Retro City Rampage is good, it’s really good. That might sound like high praise, but the flip side of it is when Retro City Rampage is bad, it’s really, really bad. The sad thing is, the game does the old-school Grand Theft Auto better than the last two official 2D GTAs did. It controls reasonably well, there’s a fun variety of weapons, and the game keeps track of all the damage you’ve rang up. If the game had stuck to this stuff, it would have been sublime. But it doesn’t. Because it’s so married to the whole classic-gaming thing, it keeps doing “homages” to that era. And the material chosen here is head scratching. The dam stages from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the NES. I’ve never played it, but I know of its reputation and it’s not a good one. The same goes for the hoverbike sequence from Battletoads. I don’t know if it improves the mechanics (since I didn’t choose suicide over finishing the stage, I’m guessing it must have), but why include them in the first place?
The shitty thing is the guy who made this obviously knew sections of the game were not fun, because the game outright tells you such. When you have a mission where you have to tail a car without being spotted and also refilling on coffee every ten feet, the game outright tells you that it’s “one of those boring missions.” Which would be funny if it somehow took the piss out of the genre, but it doesn’t. When it turns out the mission really is boring, it crosses a line from being cute to being to being obnoxious. When you do the Ninja Turtles dam sequence, it moans “oh no, not another water stage!” And then it proceeds to be slow, boring, and not fun at all. I acknowledge that I’m probably not Retro City Rampage’s target audience, but with all the great stuff in gaming history, why pay tribute to the crappy stuff? Even worse, why keep it crappy? If you know what’s wrong with something, why not fix it? If I have a leaky sink, I don’t build a fucking shrine to it. I fix the damn thing. Retro City Rampage decided to go with the shrine, and as a result this tribute to bad games itself becomes a bad game.
Whenever it deviates from the Grand Theft Auto stuff, the game sucks. Sadly, the game keeps forcing you to do these “classic gaming” sections like you’re being dragged by a choke chain. With no exceptions, I found those fell into two categories: boring, or long and boring. A section based on Paperboy? Boring. And bad, because the engine isn’t suited for Paperboy. A section based on Contra? Boring. An extended section based on ‘Splosion Man? Long and boring. And again, the engine isn’t suited for it. Nor is it suited for a boring Smash TV section, or especially a long and boring Smash TV section. Yep, there’s two. Or a portion of the game based on Tapper. There’s an extended boss fight with Dr. Robotnik (or Buttnik as the game calls him) that is long, boring, and has no check points. For a game that I was so overjoyed when I started it, and even after several hours, I couldn’t believe how horrible it had become by about eight hours in. I had just beaten the Robotnik boss, and suddenly the game decided to pay tribute to some 3D motorcycle racing thing. The good news is they actually used a different engine for this part. The bad news is this is where I finally said “you know what? All the fun I’ve had in this game has long since been drowned out by shit like this.” Exact quote. I made Brian write it down. This was somewhere near the end of the game. After three stages with a motorcycle, you end up in a time-traveling DeLorean, fighting a boss. I spent an hour with this thing, fighting spotty collision detection, unfair enemy placement, and tedium on a level I didn’t think was possible in something I had previous had a lot of fun with. Finally, after getting close to the end of its lifebar, something happened and I went from having all three of my hit-points left to having none. I’m not sure what happened. I think I should have taken one point of damage from getting hit, but my health was instantly all gone and it was time to restart for the 35th time. Fuck. That.
For those of you who will love this game no matter how flawed it is, go ahead and tell yourselves that I only disliked it because I grew up with a PlayStation instead of an NES. Yea, I probably didn’t get all the references (or “jokes” as they are being passed off as), but if that’s all you really want in a game, you need to get your head examined. Why punish yourself with a game that sometimes brags about being boring (and it’s not a joke, it really is boring in those sections) just so you can see a reference to Mr. Belding or the raccoon suit from Super Mario 3? Retro City Rampage can be fun, but it’s so bad in so many sections that you’ll never really reach that apex of satisfaction. I was practically floating two hours into it, before the game lost me forever by rubbing in the fact that a section designed to be boring had been placed in the game. That really soured the mood, and it never recovered. There were still fleeting moments of greatness, but the threat that the game might decide to intentionally be bad again tainted it all. It also brought to light some stuff I might have missed if I had remained in a blissful state. Stuff like close-quarters combat being shitty, club-based weapons being useless, and having too much recoil from getting hit. And then the game would have more sections of intentional badness. Sigh. Who could possibly think being bad is a good thing? Nobody likes things that suck on purpose, unless it involves a mouth and genitals.
Retro City Rampage was developed by Vblank Entertainment
$14.99 killed more dogs than hip dysplasia in the making of this review.
Cathy was assisted in gameplay while playing Retro City Rampage to help her avoid having a seizure due to epilepsy. The bulk of the game was played by her. All opinions in this review are her’s alone.