July 23, 2011 11 Comments
Before I get to the review proper, I need to bring up a pet peeve of mine. I’ve been doing Indie Gamer Chick for not even a full month now and Bluebones Curse is the second game to quote Simon’s Quest since I started. The first, House of 1000 Demons was so unfunny that it’s badness might have broke through the space-time barrier and killed Sam Kinison. I’m still working to prove that and bring those responsible to justice.
The second, Bluebones Curse, actually doesn’t quote Simon’s Quest directly in the game, but rather on its blurb in the marketplace.
This has got to stop. I feel it’s time to take every XNA developer aside and hold an intervention. So here it goes: it’s not funny, fellas. It never was. I know you think you’re going to be the talk of the forums every time you name drop some horribly translated, badly worded Japanglish game quote. But it’s just not happening. People are rolling their eyes at you. Oh, it’s a boom for optometrists to be sure. All that eye rolling can cause lots of long-term problems. But those greedy bastards are already hitting our pockets from all the flashy graphics and huge televisions that cause indeterminate damage. Why help them out more? We should be looking out for each-other.
So, I call for an end to sarcastically quoting bad video games. No more “what a horrible night to have a curse.” No more “all your base are belong to us.” No more “master of unlocking.” Enough. You sound like parrots.
I know the average game developer prides themselves on being terribly clever, no doubt saying right now “sure, all those OTHER people doing this are dumb, but the way I’m doing it totally is original and witty!” No, it’s not. And thus I’ve made special arrangements to prevent future occurrences of senseless quote dropping. In the event you sarcastically use a bad video game quote, operatives from Microsoft will kick open your door and shoot your dog.
In the event you do not have a dog, one will be provided for you. You will name her Checkers and she will grow to be your best friend. You’ll take her for walks, groom her, and teach her tricks. She’ll have a litter of seven beautiful little puppies, six of which will survive to adulthood. You’ll form a bond with her the likes of which you never knew possible outside of the realm of Hollywood. At which point, operatives from Microsoft will kick open your door and shoot your dog.
And if you quote Army of Darkness, they’ll shoot you.
I’m sorry it’s come to this, but desperate times and what not.
Alrighty now, Bluebones Curse. It’s a bare-bones (no pun intended) platformer where you play as a pirate who’s turned into a skeleton by a witch. There’s no attack button, so you have to avoid these incredibly creepy skull-spider thingies, activate switches, and find the lost gold.
The platforming mechanics work very well. The jumping is refined and accurate, with barely any hint of slipperiness. The level layouts are generic but well done, and the mood set forth by Chounard is awesome. I was really having a great time with this one. Then, after just under thirty minutes I beat it. Huh.
Okay, so it’s only a buck and if the worst thing I can say about a game is it’s too short then I guess I really don’t have anything to complain about at all. Bluebones Curse managed to not overstay its welcome and turned out to be one of the few games that’s almost flawless from start to finish on the indie marketplace. Besides, I’m a girl and thus I’m used to having a guy’s thing climax before I’m ready.
80 Microsoft Points kicked open your door and shot your dog in the making of this review.