Trailer Park King 3DD

What can I say about the Trailer Park King games that I haven’t already said here, here, or here?  Nothing has changed for the third (or fourth) installment.  Horrible voice acting.  Ridiculous, nonsensical plot.  Lack of actual gameplay.  Humor so crude and forced that it would make Seth MacFarlane blush with shame.  By all rights, these are games I should hate.  So why do I keep coming back to them?  More importantly, why do I keep adding them to my Leaderboard?  Granted, not one game in the series is in the top 100, but still, shouldn’t I be lining them up against a wall and gunning them down like Al Capone?  These are bad games.  I’m known to clean and gut bad games and mount them on my wall.  So what the fuck, Cathy?

Doctor House would diagnose the nurse with explosive jug syndrome. Or it could be lupus.

I think part of it is how much Trailer Park King revels in its subject matter.  The characters are all so uncouth, shallow, and flat-out stupid that you can’t help but laugh at it.  Another part of it is developer Sean Doherty is Canadian and it strikes me as a potentially offensive look at how our neighbors to the north view the poor of our country.  It straddles the line between parody and socioeconomic bigotry, but it’s so damn absurd that nobody could possibly be offended.  It’s also one of those “raunchy” games that other developers burn in effigy.  I see where they’re coming from, but Trailer Park King doesn’t strike me as particularly sexy.  The characters here are so.. well.. trashy, that I can’t believe anyone could get off on this stuff.  If these were real people, you could probably get an STD just by thinking about them while jerking off.  Never mind that the characters are grossly malnourished and their tits are obviously fake.

It’s rare that games on XBLIG are so bad that they’re good, but that’s the best way to summarize the Trailer Park King series.  They’re guilty pleasures.  The series might be running out of steam though.  This time around, you have to prove that series antagonist Truck is not a zombie.  How do you do this?  Well, zombies can’t dance, can’t be hypnotized, eat brains, animals don’t like them, and most important, they can’t be anal probed.  So you run down those things like a checklist and see if Truck takes the bait on any of them.  It’s as dumb as it sounds, but it’s still funny in a self-aware “I’m playing a game where someone shoves a large anal prob up a dude’s ass to prove he’s not a zombie” sort of away.

The only minigame in Trailer Park King carries on the tradition of being needless and dull.

For the third (or fourth) episode in the series, there’s only one mini-game: a shooting gallery where you must fire on wanted posters that have descriptions like “skank” or “dumbass.”  Prior knowledge of the series is probably required, or you can just wait for dumbass to pop up and shoot the posters of Truck like I did.  It’s not the most well conceived, but it’s better than the sliding puzzle of Cherry Poke Prison.  Otherwise, the game seemed like the shortest of the series (it took me about thirty minutes to finish) and the jokes are starting to wear a bit thin.  I still enjoyed Trailer Park King 3, but I won’t be reviewing any more games in the series.  Quite frankly, I’m running out of stuff to say about them.  They are what they are.  You’ll either hate them on principle, or you’ll enjoy them for being utterly bad, yet oddly compelling pieces of shit.  And hey, white trash is totally an in thing right now.  If Ted Nugent is looking for someone to make a video game about her life, she should ring up Sean.

Trailer Park King 3DD was developed by Freelance Games

80 Microsoft Points said watching Honey Boo Boo is now medically defined as self-harm in the making of this review.

Trailer Park King 3DD is Chick Approved and ranked on the Indie Gamer Chick Leaderboard.  Check to see where it’s fapping at.

Cherry Poke Prison

Cherry Poke Prison is a spin-off of the popular Trailer Park King games, which are popular because they have digital boobs.  And no, for you guys coming here from Google, there is no nudity or sex acts in this game.  Sorry, you’re going to have to settle for one of the three trillion, two-hundred and forty-eight billion, six-hundred and thirty-three million, two-hundred and four thousand, five-hundred and one other options you have out there.  Yea I know, life is cruel.  You know what else is cruel?  This is the only point and click series on XBLIG I actually give half a squirt about, and developer Sean Doherty dropped the ball here like it was lubricated in Crisco.

In Cherry Poke Prison, you play as Clyde, the cousin (hopefully just cousin and not also brother or something) of King.  He gets sent to a women’s prison because he’s a womanizer and um, yea.  Have I mentioned the stories in these games are the most outlandish, incomprehensible, brain-rotting, yet somehow charming pieces of shit ever?  I hate saying anything is “so bad that it’s good” but that really does apply to the Trailer Park King series.  As one-dimensional, crude, and quite frankly stupid as the writing in these games are, they’re kind of endearing.  I like the characters.  I think this would make a great webcomic.  As a game, it’s not as good.  It’s just typical point-and-click crap.  Only the logic has to be insane enough to match the writing, which leads to things like needing to stick tweezers in an electrical outlet, which causes the TV to turn on and not kill you.  Thus the game devolves into rubbing object A against object B and hoping it works, practical reasoning be damned.  I wish someone would make a  clicker where the logic is actually logical.  Actually, no I don’t.  I just thought about it and it still doesn’t sound fun.

But, I’m willing to slog through something that barely qualifies as a game if I’m entertained by the plot.  Like the previous two games, I admit that I was satisfied with Cherry Poke Prison.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s bad.  Oooh, yes, very bad.  I have to wash my ears out with bleach just for listening to it.  But, I wanted to see what happens next.  So I pressed on for a half-hour or so, and then I got a sliding puzzle.

What?

Actually, “Why?” is a better question.  I don’t get why game developers insist on including boring elements into their games.  Sliding puzzles are boring when they’re corporeal objects made from cheap plastic.  In video games, they’re fucking busywork and nothing more.  They’re certainly not fun.  Of the endless options the developer had to choose from, why did he pick this?  I love puzzles, but I hate THIS kind of puzzle.  It really has no place in a video game.

Otherwise, it’s pretty much the same stuff.  The absurd banter between the characters still provides a few smirks, with maybe a small “muuhuh” type of laugh for the ending gag.  I wasn’t a big fan of Clyde, mostly because his personality isn’t really distinctive from King.  It might as well have just been him.  I was half-expecting a weird “it really IS King” twist at the end, but that didn’t happen either.  So the main character wasn’t really needed all that much, and I won’t be sad if he is absent from the rest of the series.

I’m not going to take the easy way out and say that Cherry Poke Prison isn’t really any better or worse than the previous games.  The truth is, it is worse, because the chosen “minigames” are not as strong.  Both the slide puzzle and the weight lifting crap feel like chores, and they don’t fit in with the overall theme or tone of the game.  It’s not terrible or anything, but it’s not really good.  Not that it matters what I think.  I’m guessing most people who read this review got, ahem, stuck, after the first picture.  Hey guys, there’s more review down here.  Guys?  GUYS?

YO!  Over here!

Okay, now that I have your attention.

Cherry Poke Prison was developed by Freelance Games

80 Microsoft Points said “hasn’t anyone ever told you guys that doing that so much makes you go blind?” in the making of this review. 

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