AAH, HALLOWEEN PIE!

I’m often surprised by an XBLIG that seems like it should be bad, but turns out to be decent or better.  Moments like those are what have made Indie Gamer Chick worthwhile.  On the flip side of that, there have been plenty of good-looking games that turn out to be pretty bad.  Surprisingly, the truly rare moments are those that involve games that look bad, but turn out even worse than I could have anticipated.  When I play a game and it seems like the concept of fun has completely drained out of the entire world, leaving an impenetrable void of unhappiness in its wake.  When I’m unsure if gaming will ever be the same to me.  When I honestly question whether or not I want to keep going with this Indie Gamer Chick stuff, or take up a less painful hobby, like self-mutilation.

Aah, Halloween Pie! is one of those rare games.  It looks bad.  But it’s even worse when you sit down and play it.  It is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the worst game I’ve ever played in my entire life.  Worse than Sententia.  It’s not even close.

screen2

I’ve seen Barbies more life-like.

I guess the idea with Ahh, Halloween Pie! was to make a boob version of Ghosts ‘N Goblins.  The game starts with a cut scene that lasts over a minute if you don’t mash the A-button.  If you do mash the A button, it will still take you a little over 30 seconds.  It’s unskippable, and you have to watch it every time you start a new game.  Immediately upon spawning, you’ll take damage from a skeleton that pops up.  Once you take damage, your top flies off and you’re reduced to walking around in your underwear.  I’m not sure if this cheap hit was done on purpose to get the motors revving of the horndog squad.  Probably.  Although I can’t believe anyone would find the character models here to be erotic.  Unless of course you have a wax-museum fetish.  I’m sure such a thing exists, but I refuse to Google it, for fear that I would have to bleach my brain again.

So you walk around, shooting projectiles at skeletons and crows.  The movement physics are stiff.  Probably not as stiff as this game’s target demographic, but pretty stiff.  Enemies are placed in ways designed to cause you to die quickly and cheaply.  If you shoot at a skeleton while it rises up from the ground, the bullet passes straight through it.  Annoying, but at least you can just wait for it to spawn all the way.  Unless, of course, the skeleton is too close to you.  At which point, the bullet will pass straight through it.  Grumble.  So decent collision detection was not exactly priority #1 during Halloween Pie’s development, but who cares?  BOOBS!

There’s no actual objective to Halloween Pie until you enter the house of a witch.  She asks you to fetch five pumpkins from which she will build a pie.  Upon exiting her house, you are almost guaranteed to take damage from a skeleton, since two skeletons spawn on both sides of you.  Since entering her house is necessary towards making progress, this was quite the dick move.  If you enter the house while just in your underoos, you’re pretty much dead.  Lose three lives, and you get to start over, watching that unskippable cut-scene again.

Assuming you get out of the witch’s house alive, you have to go gather five pumpkins that are scattered around a stage.  If you get these and return them to the witch, she fucks up the pie and you get to start over.  Only this time, you need to find seven pumpkins.  You leave her house again (another near-guaranteed hit against you), and now you have to deal with skeletons that throw bones at you.  Find these seven and.. honestly I don’t know.  By this point, I had dealt with numerous cheap deaths, unskippable cut-scenes, shoddy collision detection, and overall shoddiness.  After a while, you get sick of taking damage from enemies that are a full length away from you, neither touching you nor facing you.  Like in Ghosts ‘N Goblins, you can find clothes to put back on.  Except here, when you put it on, you’re frozen in place so the chick can get whistled at.  Stay classy, game.

screen4

Anyone unfortunate enough to have played the NES game Barbie will find the movement physics familiar. This is not a good thing.

I guess in theory you could finish this, if you wanted to take the time to get good at it.  But who in their right mind would?  This game is a pile of shit.  And not even good shit, the kind you use to plant fields and feed people.  This is the kind that turns white, petrified, and makes you dry-heave when you attempt to clean it up.  And what makes it really shameful is it not only looks bad, plays bad, and sounds bad, but it’s also one of those games whose sole purpose is to lure in the horny loser demographic that thrives on XBLIG.  It’s as if the developer knew that no effort would be needed.  As long the game had a pair of tits on the cover art, and screenshots of a woman walking around in underwear, the bruised-pecker brigade would show up in droves.  Proof that when it comes to digital knockers, if you build it, they will come.

xboxboxartAAH, HALLOWEEN PIE! was developed by Ingenious Fun

80 Microsoft Points noted that judging by the top selling charts, it would seem that Ingenious Fun should reconsider whether there’s a market for horrible games with ugly, waxy looking women in the making of this review.

Please note: the developer requested I do this review.  I wouldn’t have touched this shit with a ten-foot pole otherwise.

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About Indie Gamer Chick
The most read Xbox Live Indie Game critic in the world.

11 Responses to AAH, HALLOWEEN PIE!

  1. CJ says:

    But Cathy, it has BEWBS! Developers don’t care if they spent 5 days of their lives just to make a waxy piece of shit from Turbosquid. As long as it brings them at least 2,000(which it will…) sales, they can live with the guilt. :p

  2. Team Shuriken says:

    If you guys are looking for a game with sexiness AND good gameplay, you check check out Dream Divers 2 when it launches in a week or so. I promise we’ve listened to the critics, including gamer chick, to make sure we don’t repeat mistakes from Dream Divers.

    Here’s a little teaser : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OmdnTTPyesQ

  3. CJ says:

    Or you can play The Guy Game… 😛

  4. Interestingly, my video of this repugnant fecal splatter patch of a game snagged a billion views in ten seconds, or something. Infuriatingly, the theory holds true. Game with boobs = popularity. It’s a disgrace.

    And yes, it is one of the worst XBLIGs ever made. The beginning of the review really nails it. You expect it to be bad, then you start playing realise it’s BAD, then after ten minutes you discover it’s apocalyptically abysmal. This thing is almost an inverse miracle in its superhuman ability to reach new lows.

  5. CJ says:

    Yup, sex sells. Don’t you just love how developers have sunk to new lows in exploting basic human impulses? 🙂

  6. “Please note: the developer requested I do this review. I wouldn’t have touched this shit with a ten-foot pole otherwise.”

    But you don’t review every game that a developer asks you to, right? I asked for a review a few months ago and it didn’t happen. So why put yourself through a game that you expect to be so bad?

    • I usually ask developers to remind me if I don’t get to their game right away. I get dozens of request every month. If I skip a game, it’s not personal. I’m one person doing this whole site by myself.

      My selection process usually involves whether I think I’ll have something to comment on, or whether their request hits when I happen to have nothing to do. Or, in the case of Aah Halloween Panic, it was described as a “short game” and at the time I was busy so it was a review I could crank out in a relatively small amount of time.

      I’ll make March to the Moon the on-deck game after I do my Wii U System review and Little Inferno for Wii U review. So you’re up next for XBLIG. Good luck.

      • Oh, thank you! I didn’t mean to imply that it was anything personal, or even that I felt bad about it. I wasn’t trying to whine, I just was confused by the ‘Please note:’ and used the only example that I had. I figured that with a site as popular as yours you would have plenty of people asking for reviews and wouldn’t be able to get to all the requests.

        And I know it’s probably a small thing, but it makes me feel good that you looked up the name of my game 🙂

    • An XBLIG Guy says:

      Sometimes the way we ask can make a big difference. Don’t get me wrong, though, but we all have to take into consideration that there is an average of 1.5 new games every day, just in the XBLIG community. With that in mind, it’s a good advice to figure a way to make our game stand out from all the others, even when it comes to ask for a review.
      Just relax and have fun. We’ll all have our 5 minutes of fame eventually 🙂
      Good luck in the marketplace!

  7. Argamae says:

    What I find amazing how this babe manages to stand on her toes (see Pic 1). It really is the typical Barbie foot. Or does she wear invisible high heels?

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