The Pinball of the Dead (Game Boy Advance Review)

This review is a repost from Classic Pinball Video Games from 1979 to 2009: The Definitive Review. Because that feature contains full reviews for 130 games, it was causing loading issues for many readers, so this one time, I’m breaking a Definitive Review into smaller pieces. If you get a chance, be sure to check out the full feature as I worked really hard on it.

The Pinball of the Dead
Platform: Game Boy Advance
Released June 18, 2002
Directed by Yuichi Toyama
Developed by Wow Entertainment
Published by Sega
NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED

Crush of the Dead?

The Pinball of the Dead so desperately wants to be like Devil’s Crush that it just straight-up copies attack patterns and almost whole layouts. But hey, I liked Devil’s Crush. Everyone did! What could go wrong? Deep breath, okay Cathy. This is the one. The one where I get taken out on a boat and shot like Fredo. Mmmhmm. My body is ready. So, why do I *hate* Pinball of the Dead? Hopefully the clip here’s complete lack of action makes it obvious:

You know, I thought this was Ed O’Neil for the longest time, and so did my entire family. Hell, the first time I saw History of the World: Part I my dad even chuckled and said “Al Bundy.” I just found out, he’s not. It’s a guy named Hunter von Leer. No way! Oh my God, he’s a DEAD RINGER for young Ed O’Neil.

Mind you, THAT’S ON “FAST” SPEED! You mean to tell me the game is capable of playing even slower? GOOD LORD!! How did they do that? Did they set the ball to move at the speed of black hole evaporation? I didn’t even bother to check. I was too scared that I would slip into a coma from which I might never wake. Now, this is one of the rare video pinball games I had as a kid. Played it for a few minutes, stuck it into a drawer and never played again. I didn’t pick it out. I think my Dad got it for me from a two pack at Costco. If I wasn’t doing this feature, I would never have played it again. But I’ve been wrong about games I previously sampled so I really did go into this review cautiously optimistic that my memories of Pinball of the Dead were completely wrong. They were completely right.

The “last boss” isn’t that hard. You’ll notice it has the same Devil’s Crush sinkholes, and they have the same problem as the Crush games: they suck up the ball, pause for dramatic effect, and then after you’re already bored, spit the ball back out. If these had been kickers that immediately launched the ball back into the playfield, it might be exciting. Instead, they do the opposite of making excitement and just murder the pace of the game.

And I thought Muppet Pinball Mayhem could use some caffeine. Muppet was low-energy. This has no energy at all. None. It doesn’t bode well for the Game Boy Advance that the first two video pins are among the least energetic games in the genre, but this really is a new low because the ball speed is really the only thing that drove me to not like the game. This might have been a fun, timeless Devil’s Crush wannabe. Oh, it brings nothing new to the table besides splashes of blood (that you have to turn on in the menu). But there was exactly one exciting shot in the entire first table. It was this:

When in doubt, have a nearly screen-sized giant zombie head. Impossible to be boring (or so I thought). By the way, this entirely stationary bash toy was more fun than any of the bosses.

And that is it. The one fun shot in the entire game. The rest of it is a repetitive chore with some of the most lightweight combat in video pinball. Like the Crush series, Pinball of the Dead leans heavily into live targets. But, the ball has to have momentum to score a kill. What the game considers momentum varies. Like for example:

By the way, awesome job making the flippers blend in with the background. I’m guessing the colors were chosen because of the impossibly dark Game Boy Advance screen. Come to think of it, that’s probably why the game plays slowly too. They wanted players to have plenty of time to locate the ball on the near pitch black screen before it reached the teeny tiny nubby little flippers.

That’s me hitting a zombie from point blank range with the ball. It survived and the ball was harmlessly shooed off to the left flipper. Okay, question: how does it kill them at all then? Because there was a gap between the flipper and the zombie. It’s not like the flippers and the ball both hit the zombie. The ball flipped and launched the ball directly into it. If that doesn’t kill it, shouldn’t the zombies just be immune to the ball? Now, in fairness, had I done it off the tip of the flipper, it would have died.

Weirdly, any contact with the balls seems to damage bosses.

I think they were aiming for realism in this parody of their House of the Dead series set on a giant pinball table. In practice, it just makes the combat feel inconsistent and lacking in weight. When there’s a cluster of enemies and the ball falls onto them, it should be exciting to see the ball cut through them. Instead it usually bounces lifelessly between them like Zombie Plinko. The hits with the ball NEVER feel violent or impactful, even against the bosses.

After saying it’s impossible for a giant zombie head, the third table also has a giant zombie head pop up and I have no f*cking clue what it actually did when I beat it. (shrug) This one just took up space and looked like a last second, low-resolution addition because play testers liked the first one. They make giant zombie heads boring.

Despite the fact that critics have championed Pinball of the Dead as one of the best video pins of all-time and even one of the best Game Boy Advance games, I really thought it was f*cking boring. Pinball Chick team member Matt said that I have a high tolerance for bad games. Maybe. But what I can’t deal with is slow games. After just a few minutes of The Pinball of the Dead, a sense of dread overcame me. I really didn’t want to play it anymore. I literally heard myself think “oh God, I’m committed to this. I’m actually stuck with this for a while.” I think it has to mostly be non-pinball fans singing its praises because it’s yet another wacky House of the Dead satire from Sega. But, like this:

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You get those letters from a sinkhole that stops the game, then takes a few more seconds to spit the ball back out. Look how many letters you need to get. LOOK AT IT! What the hell were they thinking? That is so many times you need to shoot the same sinkhole, in a game where sinkholes take forever. By the time you actually get all the letters, the excitement is gone because you’ve invested so much time into the waiting process that the payoff isn’t worth it. And there’s so many of those letter-collecting shots in each table. TONS of them. The sheer amount of downtime and waiting is mind numbing. Hell, just watching the ball slowly roll up to the flippers is agony. It takes forever!

Really, only the first table has the potential to be decent, and it’s such a shameless ripoff of Devil’s Crush that I’m not even sure about that. More of the same “circling around” crap that has already been done and done better over a decade before.

It really looks like it’s going to be fun and there are potentially some damn good shooting angles that could have been sick with a better engine. Despite being the first of these Crush-likes to offer multiple tables, the second table is a legitimate contender for the worst video pinball table ever made just on its glacial pace alone and the third table feels like a stripped down rehash of the first one. Look at this boss battle where it takes 20 seconds for the ball to reach the flippers. After thirty seconds, I’ve only flipped twice. When a f*cking turn based, menu-driven game would have a faster pace and more excitement than your pinball, it’s time to rethink things.

The one and only thing I’ll give Pinball of the Dead over Devil’s Crush is that I would take Dead’s bosses over Devil’s mini-games because at least they can end in seconds if you have multiball. But they’re not fun either, so what does that really matter? Pinball of the Dead is like playing Devil’s Crush at half the speed and none of the tension. Replaying it all these years later reaffirmed to me it’s one of the most overrated video games ever made and possibly THE most overrated video pinball game. I will NEVER understand how anyone could consider this one of the best GBA games. Compared to what?
Verdict: NO!
Classic Pinball Video Games Ranking: #89 of 125
Percentile: 29%

FINAL RANKINGS

1. Pro Pinball: Timeshock (1998 – PlayStation)
2. Akira Psycho Ball (2002 – PlayStation 2)
3. Worms Pinball (1999 – PlayStation)
4. True Pinball (1996 – PlayStation/Sega Saturn)
5. Digital Pinball: Necronomicon (1996 – Sega Saturn)
6. Slam Tilt (1996 – Amiga)
7. Psycho Pinball (1994 – Sega Genesis)
8. Kyuutenkai: Fantastic Pinball (1995 – PlayStation/Sega Saturn)
9. Devil’s Crush (1990 – TurboGrafx-16)
10. Solar War (Unreleased Circa 1980 – Arcade)
11. Metroid Prime Pinball (2005 – Nintendo DS)
12. David’s Midnight Magic (1981 – Apple II)
13. Battle Pinball (1995 – Super Famicom)
14. Pro Pinball: Big Race USA (2000 – PlayStation)
15. Full Tilt! Pinball (1995 – Windows)
16. Video Pinball (1979 – Arcade)
17. Kirby’s Pinball Land (1993 – Game Boy)
18. Digital Pinball: Last Gladiators Ver. 9.7 (1997 – Sega Saturn)
19. Alien Crush (1990 – TurboGrafx-16)
20. Pinball Illusions (1995 – Amiga CD32)
21. Pinball Fantasies (1993 – Amiga CD32)
22. Super Pinball Action (1991 – Arcade)
23. Fireball (1988 – MSX2)
24. Pinball Dreams (1992 – Amiga)
25. Sonic Pinball (2003 – Game Boy Advance)
26. Pokémon Pinball: Ruby & Sapphire (2003 – Game Boy Advance)
27. Pro Pinball: The Web (1996 – PlayStation)
28. Pinball aka Play It! Pinball (2000 – PlayStation 2)
29. Epic Pinball (1993 – MS DOS)
30. Speed Ball (1987 – Arcade)
31. Pinball Action (1985 – Arcade)
32. Revenge of the ‘Gator (1989 – Game Boy)
33. Pro Pinball: Fantastic Journey (2000 – PlayStation)
34. Dragon’s Revenge (1993 – Sega Genesis)
35. Little Mermaid II: Pinball Frenzy (2000 – Game Boy Color)
36. Alien Crush Returns (2008 – WiiWare)
37. Midnight Magic (1986 – Atari 2600)
38. Getaway: High Speed II (1995 – Game Boy)
39. Slamball (1984 – Commodore 64)
40. Mechanicus (1991 – Commodore 64)
41. Pinball Dreams (1995 – Game Gear)
42. Pinbo (1984 – Arcade)
43. Bumper Bash (1983 – Atari 2600)
44. Royal Flush (1994 – MS DOS)
45. Queen of Hearts (1983 – Apple II)
    YES! **TERMINATOR LINE** NO!
46. Time Scanner (1987 – Arcade)
47. Power Rangers Zeo: Full Tilt Battle Pinball (1996 – PlayStation)
48. Golden Logres (1999 – PlayStation)
49. Pokémon Pinball (1999 – Game Boy Color)
50. Muppet Pinball Mayhem (2002 – Game Boy Advance)
51. Pinball (1983 – Intellivision)
52. Patriotic Pinball (2003 – PlayStation)
53. Pinball aka Hudson Pinball (2005 – PlayStation Portable)
54. Pinball Hazard (1996 – Amiga)
55. Super Pinball: Behind the Mask (1994 – SNES)
56. Time Cruise (1991 – TurboGrafx-16)
57. 3-D Ultra Pinball: Thrill Ride (2000 – Game Boy Color)
58. Rollerball (1984 – MSX)
59. Ottifanten Pinball (2005 – Game Boy Advance)
60. Dragon’s Fury (1991 – Sega Genesis)
61. Thomas the Tank Engine Pinball (1995 – Amiga)
62. David’s Midnight Magic (Atari 8-Bit)
63. Pinball Jam (1992 – Atari Lynx)
64. Pinball Prelude (1996 – Amiga CD32)
65. Super Pinball II: The Amazing Odyssey (SNES)
66. Pinball aka Vs. Pinball (1984 – Arcade)
67. Pinball aka Black Box Pinball (1984 – NES)
68. Sonic Spinball (1993 – Sega Genesis)
69. Sonic Spinball (1994 – Sega Master System)
70. Lucy Shot (1990 – Sharp X68000)
71. Rollerball (1988 – NES)
72. Hyper 3-D Pinball aka Tilt! (1997 – PlayStation/Sega Saturn)
73. Neo Golden Logres (2000 – Sega Dreamcast)
74. Elemental Pinball (2002 – PlayStation)
75. Extreme Pinball (1996 – PlayStation)
76. Pin•Bot (1990 – NES)
77. Super Robot Pinball (2001 – Game Boy Color)
78. Battle Pinball (1994 – 3DO)
79. Austin Powers Pinball (2002 – PlayStation)
80. High Speed (1991 – NES)
81. Pinball Quest (1989 – NES)
82. Obsession (1995 – Amiga)
83. Jaki Crush (1992 – SNES)
84. Family Pinball aka Rock ‘n Ball (1989 – NES)
85. Flipnic: Ultimate Pinball (2003 – PlayStation 2)
86. Microsoft Pinball Arcade (2001 – Game Boy Color)
87. Hollywood Pinball (1999 – Game Boy Color)
88. Pinball Fun (2003 – PlayStation 2)
89. The Pinball of the Dead (2002 – Game Boy Advance)
    TRULY PUTRID STUFF STARTS HERE
90. Grand Cross (1994 – Arcade)
91. Crüe Ball (1992 – Sega Genesis)
92. ParanoiaScape (1996 – PlayStation)
93. Pinball Graffiti (1996 – Sega Saturn)
94. Mario Pinball Land aka Super Mario Ball (2004 – Game Boy Advance)
95. Virtual Pinball (1993 – Sega Genesis)
96. Pinball (1991 – CD-i)
97. Video Pinball (1981 – Atari 2600)
98. Pinball Pinball (1990 – Sharp X68000)
99. Raster Blaster (1981 – Apple II/Atari 8-Bit)
100. Thunderball! (1979 – Odyssey 2)
101. Night Mission (1982 – Apple II)
102. Powershot Pinball (2006 – PlayStation 2)
103. Power Pinball (1989 – Amstrad CPC)
104. Super Pinball (1988 – NES)
105. The Pinball (1999 – PlayStation)
106. Dragon Beat: Legend of Pinball (1997 – PlayStation)
107. Ruiner Pinball (1995 – Atari Jaguar)
108. PaTaank (1994 – 3DO)
109. Pac-Man Pinball Advance (2005 – Game Boy Advance))
110. KISS Pinball (2001 – PlayStation)
     ACTUAL WORST GAME I’VE EVER PLAYED IN MY LIFE CONTENDERS START HERE
111. Pinball Mania (1995 – Amiga)
112. Dino Land (1991 – Sega Genesis)
113. Galactic Pinball (1995 – Virtual Boy)
114. Moon Ball Magic (1988 – Famicom Disk System)
115. Casino Games (1989 – Sega Master System)
116. Sega Flipper (1983 – Sega SG-1000)
117. Pinball Tycoon (2003 – Game Boy Advance)
118. Pinball Advance (2002 – Game Boy Advance)
119. Hero Shūgō!! Pinball Party (1990 – Game Boy)
120. Spinball (1983 – Vectrex)
121. Wizard Pinball (1994 – Sega Game Gear)
122. Time Scanner (1989 – Amiga)
123. Advanced Pinball Simulator (1989 – Commodore 64)
124. Real Pinball (1994 – 3DO)
125. Panic Road (1986 – Arcade)