Mystic Forest

Mystic Forest is the latest steamer from Team Shuriken.  It’s a text-based adventure where you play as a dude who finds a buxom fairy in the garden he was growing for his vegan ex-girlfriend and oh fuck it you’re just here to read about the boobies, aren’t you?

Perhaps it’s long overdue that we discuss the dos and don’ts of Xbox Live Indie Games and sex.  You see, developers have a set of rules of things they can and cannot do.  Among those things they can’t do is make a game with nipples.  Boobs are fine, as long as they’re covered.  No sex either.  The best you can get is flirting between the characters.

This still isn’t reaching you, is it?  All I have to do is post a screenshot of the game and you’ll be super gluing your mouse buttons with spunk, correct?

I can practically hear the FAP FAP FAP coming from your computers.

Well, for those of you paying attention:

See, 

her,

breasts?

See her breasts?

Those two bumps on her chest?

Notice no nipples.  It’s very simple.

They’re on the evil Checklist!

No sex is allowed.

Among the XNA crowd.

Their accounts will be suspended.

If the rules are unattended.

If you want to see boobles.

Have a stop at Google.

They have breasts!

They have breasts!

THEY HAVE BREASTS!

See this game?

It’s so lame.

Most Team Shuriken stuff is all the same.

A few texty slides and some choices.

They don’t even bother having voices.

It’s so dumb.

It’s no fun.

And it’s over-priced for some.

240 points for some sex.

Being horny is a hex.

How much do Playboys cost?

Think of the money lost.

To see these breasts.

See these breasts.

SEE THESE BREASTS!

It’s fairly transparent why I’m doing this game.  It’s good for page views.  And obviously there’s  market for shit like this, because otherwise Team Shuriken wouldn’t turn these things out at the rate they do.  They’re businessmen.  I can respect that.  But the writing in these games is abysmal, they often don’t have proper spelling or grammar, and they’re just so half-assed.  These guys aren’t total washes as game designers.  Dream Divers was at least an attempt at doing something with actual gameplay in it.   I just have to wonder what future generations will think when they drudge through the wasteland we leave behind as a civilization: what will they think of us?

Mystic Forest was developed by Team Shuriken (who else?)

240 Microsoft Points are sorry Kairi, I can’t let you do that in the making of this review.

Thanks to Nate Graves of Gear-Fish.com for the picture.  Really sealed this review good. 

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The most read Xbox Live Indie Game critic in the world.

11 Responses to Mystic Forest

  1. Kolphyre says:

    Love the song Kairi – I was always a fan of ‘Be Our Guest’. Although the Simpsons had already beat you on the parody with ‘See My Vest’. Loved that episode.

    Funny thing is – I don’t even read reviews of these type of games to find out about it – I already know its crap. I just never know what you’re going to come up with when you have to review a game like this – makes it more interesting!

  2. Haha! Well, this really made my day! And I agree, I can’t understand why someone should spend 240 points on this… only type of customer I can imagine: 12-14 years old, male, no social life, with monitored internet and daddy-charged xbl account. How many such subjects can be out there? Ok… I don’t want to know the answer…

  3. IndieMario says:

    I hate these games. Not even sure they are games. But they’re worth existing just to watch you butcher them so elegantly with those lyrical cleavers you keep so handy.

    You waxed poetic death.

  4. Mariko says:

    Have I told you lately that I love you? Seriously girl, you rock. Keep preachin’

  5. gamerwife says:

    Have I told you lately that I love you?

    Seriously girl, you rock.

  6. No way, this game is winning the IGF next year. Would have beat Fez this year if it had been ready in time.

  7. CJ says:

    Wow! I didn’t think Team Shuriken would be confident enough, to charge 240 points on their sex games! Man, we must have A LOT of dummies making the wrong choices on XBLIG. :/

  8. Tom Happ says:

    We need some kind of “Best Article About a Game” category for IGF.

  9. Team Shuriken says:

    The game’s price has been reduced to 80 points as of today.

    Also, i haven’t forgotten i said i’d write about my experiences with 80 vs 240 points, but i’d rather wait a few weeks so that i can include data from mystic forest as either a counter point or an argument for 240 points. Obviously, i’m thinking 80 will do better otherwise i wouldn’t have made the change.

    My theory is that this game doesn’t appear to be worth more then 80 points because of the amount of pure text in it, while a game like dream divers was better suited for selling at 240. Sales aren’t too bad for mystic forest though, so it’s possible that the same trend that happened with dream divers will reoccur (80 points selling more or less in converted $ as 240 does).

  10. Pingback: DERP of Duty and Uncraft Me ! | Indie Gamer Chick

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