June 28, 2012 10 Comments
Mystic Forest is the latest steamer from Team Shuriken. It’s a text-based adventure where you play as a dude who finds a buxom fairy in the garden he was growing for his vegan ex-girlfriend and oh fuck it you’re just here to read about the boobies, aren’t you?
Perhaps it’s long overdue that we discuss the dos and don’ts of Xbox Live Indie Games and sex. You see, developers have a set of rules of things they can and cannot do. Among those things they can’t do is make a game with nipples. Boobs are fine, as long as they’re covered. No sex either. The best you can get is flirting between the characters.
This still isn’t reaching you, is it? All I have to do is post a screenshot of the game and you’ll be super gluing your mouse buttons with spunk, correct?
Well, for those of you paying attention:
See her breasts?
Those two bumps on her chest?
Notice no nipples. It’s very simple.
They’re on the evil Checklist!
No sex is allowed.
Among the XNA crowd.
Their accounts will be suspended.
If the rules are unattended.
If you want to see boobles.
Have a stop at Google.
They have breasts!
They have breasts!
THEY HAVE BREASTS!
See this game?
It’s so lame.
Most Team Shuriken stuff is all the same.
A few texty slides and some choices.
They don’t even bother having voices.
It’s so dumb.
It’s no fun.
And it’s over-priced for some.
240 points for some sex.
Being horny is a hex.
How much do Playboys cost?
Think of the money lost.
To see these breasts.
See these breasts.
SEE THESE BREASTS!
It’s fairly transparent why I’m doing this game. It’s good for page views. And obviously there’s market for shit like this, because otherwise Team Shuriken wouldn’t turn these things out at the rate they do. They’re businessmen. I can respect that. But the writing in these games is abysmal, they often don’t have proper spelling or grammar, and they’re just so half-assed. These guys aren’t total washes as game designers. Dream Divers was at least an attempt at doing something with actual gameplay in it. I just have to wonder what future generations will think when they drudge through the wasteland we leave behind as a civilization: what will they think of us?
240 Microsoft Points are sorry Kairi, I can’t let you do that in the making of this review.
Thanks to Nate Graves of Gear-Fish.com for the picture. Really sealed this review good.