March 17, 2012 8 Comments
We meet again, Team Shuriken. Only this time you guys made an actual game instead of a lame ass series of static anime boobies peppered between completely random multiple choice options that are just as likely to lead you to death as they are to advance the story forward. Now then, Dream Divers is a lame ass series of static anime boobies that are peppered between, um, completely random multiple choice options that are, uhhhh, just as likely to lead you to death as they are to.. advance the story forward? Wait, what?
Oh you bastards.
Yea, Dream Divers has gameplay more complex than “push one of four buttons and see what happens.” You start up on a ship and use a mechanic similar to one of those double-click things they use in golf video games to decide what position you’ll dive from. Next, you swim around collecting air bubbles and try to find a star. If you get one, you return to the ship. If you die, well, you still return to the ship. In order to stay in the water, you have to get air. The amount of air you have left is represented by a pair of tits. Of course it is.
I figure there’s two types of people who will buy this game: kids whose only option to get risqué games is through XBLIGs, which are not subject to parental lockout due to their lack of ESRB ratings, and losers. Either way, they’re in this to see fake boobies. And I’m not talking about the kind you see in Playboy. If you’ve gone so far as to purchase the game, download it, and begin playing it, the only thing that will hold your attention is the digital tits. In the hour or so I played Dream Divers, I never even noticed the air gauge. It’s pretty obvious when you’re running out of air, because you slow down and eventually stop moving. The picture of breasts is just further pandering to guys playing co-op with Rosy Palm and her five ugly sisters.
As utterly shameless as Team Shuriken is, and they are, Dream Divers is not a complete abortion of a game. Exploring underwater caverns is fun. They make entire movies about that, some of which barely have any cleavage at all. The problem with Dream Divers is it still relies too much on trial-and-error gameplay. Each of the stages contains false pathways that lead you into the lair of a giant, drooling Octopus that will presumably rape and kill whatever chick you’re using. There is a map that you can see between levels, but it only fills in once you’ve physically been through the stage. Given that all movement has to be made with minimal forethought and there is absolutely no room left for error, they should have been nice and given us full view of the map.
The control isn’t bad. You point the chicks and they go where you tell them too. I guess you can’t ask for more than that. Things do occasionally move too fast, and thus you’re forced to die and memorize exactly where to make hair-pin turns and the locations of the larger air bubbles that you will need to make it just a few feet further. Anything after the first two stages becomes teeth-gnashingly frustrating, but I would venture a guess that most men will have pooped themselves out and taken a nap by that point anyway.
I have an idea that XBLIG developers can use to market these games: instead of pushing the sexual content, push them as an exercise game. I’m guessing stuff like Dream Divers is the only cardio workout anyone who would want this type of shit actually gets. But if you’re the type of person who does buy games like this, I have a better idea for you: multitask. Use that Google search and find some real titties, and save your Microsoft Points for a game that doesn’t pander to your primal urges. Play a good game, and if you feel the need to buck the slobbering donkey, just look over at your monitor and have at it.
Yea I know, it won’t happen. Well, as long as Team Shuriken can live with being responsible for more spanked monkeys than a chimpanzee dominatrix, who am I question them?
80 Microsoft Points imagine diving underwater with two plastic floatation devices sewn into your chest would be rather difficult in the making of this review.
Keep voting in Kairi’s Katch-Up Thursdays. On April 5, I’ll be giving away 1600 Microsoft Points to someone who participates in the democratic process. Even though the winner is not determined by a popular vote. Whatever, just go vote.