Paper RPG and The Impossible Dungeon
March 12, 2012 17 Comments
Ah, Team Shuriken. The guys behind the infamous Temple of Dogolrak. I receive more bitching about their games than I get about Silver Dollar these days. It all began a few months ago when I released the list of search engine terms that have led people to this very site. If you need a reminder, here are just the search terms that people have done for Temple of Dogolrak, along with Trailer Park King and Don’t Die Dateless, Dummy.
- trailer park king 2,043 (#1 search term)
- temple of dogolrak 2,011 (#2 search term)
- don’t die dateless dummy 1,059 (#4 search term)
- trailer park king review 266 (# 6 search term)
- dont die dateless dummy 247 (#7 search term)
- trailer park king game 246 (#8 search term)
- don’t die dateless, dummy! 180 (#10 search term)
And those are just the top 10. Once you start getting lower than that, you really do get lower. Some other prime searches include the following:
- trailer park king nudity 106
- trailer park king porn 103
- trailer park king nude 17
- is there nudity in trailer park king 15
- temple of dogolrak sex 14
- trailer park king nudity? 14
- does trailer park king have nudity 11
- xbox indie games with nudity 11
- don’t die dateless dummy porn 7
- temple of dogolrak porn 7
- xbox live indie games with nudity 7
- trailer park king girls boobs 5
- are there any xbox indie games with nudity 5
And that’s just the stuff that gets multiple searches. On my most popular day ever at this blog (January 16, 2012), these were some of the random searches.
- best xbox indie game tits
- trailer park king has nudity?
- xbox indie game that has nudity
- trailer park king girls
- indie porn games xbox
- temple of dogolrak hentai pics (Hentai means “Perversion” in Japanese, kinda)
- can you fuck in temple of dogolrak
- temple of dogolrak hentai
- xbox hentai
- dogolrak nude code
- how do you see porn in trailer park king
You get the picture. In short, three out of five searches that land people on this site center around those three games. Also, damn, I’m embarrassed for you guys.
And while I think Sean Doherty (the Trailer Park King dude) gets a free pass on the hostility because his games actually make an effort to be games, there’s unquestionably resentment towards Team Shuriken. Although I’ve found them to be fairly nice guys, I admit that I did think their marketplace pictures of Dogolrak were extremely misleading compared to the actual graphics of their game. Having said that, don’t blame developers for taking advantage of the hopeless pocket-pool crowd. They sort of have it coming, because about ten seconds of research on Google would let them know that nudity and sexual intercourse are no-nos on XBLIG. Another ten seconds and they would learn that jerking off too much causes your palm to turn purple.
Over/under on the percentage of readers that just looked at their palm? What, 30%?
It’s not like Team Shuriken relies completely on boobies. Over the last month, they’ve released two new games to the marketplace that don’t tease titties at all.
Both games still use the same engine and play mechanics as the previous game. First up is Paper RPG. It uses sketch drawings to tell a very short story of a knight trying to save the kingdom. How short? Oh, about three to five minutes, depending on how many mistakes you make.
Like any “choose your own adventure” game, luck is everything in Paper RPG. There’s no visual indications of what choices will advance the story and which ones will lead to death. This is especially problematic in game #2 of this review, The Impossible Dungeon. Here there is nothing in the way of graphics, aside from a useless map. Everything is text driven. In this one, you can lead yourself down certain paths where no matter which of three to four options you choose, none of them will lead to anything but death. So moving the story forward is 100% luck, based on nothing.
And if you die, you get to start over again. Sure, there’s the occasional checkpoint, but that’s not much help. You still have to read the same fucking dialog again and again. Who would ever confuse this for entertainment? Neither game is fun. Or anything vaguely resembling fun. If you were terminal with cancer in the middle of a nuclear holocaust having just watched your puppy eat its own leg off and bleed to death all over your mother (thus drowning her) and the only thing that could be offered to you for any comfort was these games, you would think it was a final “fuck you” from God himself. And you would be right.
I will admit that I liked the art style in Paper RPG. The main character has a Spy vs. Spy like charm about it. If Team Shuriken was willing to put forth some effort, they might be able to use this character in a platforming game and find modest success. But I’m guessing they’re not willing to put in the effort. Prove me wrong, guys. I would love to be able to tell people that you’re not the worst thing that can happen to a gamer. Right now, you’re neck-and-neck with hand amputation. Which, ironically you caused, because they also proved that jerking off to anime porn causes cancer of the hands. It’s distinguishable by yellow freckles on your lower palm.
Make it 40%.
80 Microsoft Points apiece always bet on the black spy in the making of this review.
I’m giving away 1600 Microsoft Points as part of a new feature called “Kairi Katch-Up Thursdays” and you buttholes aren’t participating enough. 1600 MSP! That’s 16 XBLIGs! Read how you can win it.