Temple of Dogolrak
November 25, 2011 53 Comments
Now that I have your attention, Temple of Dogolrak is a point-and-click game, only without the pointing and clicking. That’s pretty much what I expected when I saw the screen caps the guys behind this game chose to put on its marketplace page. Actually, I expected a lot more than that, given that the pictures are a bit risqué. And by “a bit risqué” what I really meant is “a spaceship shaped like sperm flying into a giant astro-snatch.”
It’s always amused me (and creeped me out) that guys are into this sort of thing. Like really into it. Like “I know the FBI is likely keeping tabs on me and I don’t care!” into it. I just can’t get myself into the mindset where being aroused by a cartoon character is even possible. As it turns out, there’s a name for this sort of thing. It’s called “schediaphilia.” Imagine my disappointment when I found out that is what it’s called. You can’t even make a joke out of it. But it’s a real thing and guys really do get off on animated characters. And if they’re anime characters, statistically speaking they tend to be under age. If that applies to any of you schediaphiliacs watching this, then yes, that does in fact make you a pedophile.
But let’s say you’re not using some teenage cartoon (or video game) character to give your hand motivation. Let’s say you’re thinking of Wilma Flintstone. It’s still a cartoon character! In theory, there is a slight, slight, slight chance that you, the ugly dude reading this, might one day fuck a Playboy centerfold. Hey, it could happen. Zombie Holocaust! Last man left alive in the entire world. An amazing adventure of survival across the country. By total chance, you happen upon Miss November 2011. You save her life once or twice, three times tops and BAM, you’ll never look at your hand the same way again. That could happen! Sure, it’s a long shot. 1 in 4 odds at least. But it could happen!
But you will never ever get to fuck Wilma Flintstone. Why? BECAUSE CARTOONS ARE NOT REAL! You could become the richest and most powerful mother fucker on this planet who can have any girl he wants, because believe me, every girl has a price (I’ve personally calculated my price to be $1,057,295,285.98, not including the tax I’m sure California will manage to charge you) but you still never will get to fuck a cartoon character. And why the hell would you want to? They’re kind of weird-looking. Especially anime characters. They have great big eyes, tiny slits for a nose, disproportionate jaws, and pale skin. It would be like fucking Michael Jackson’s corpse.
Okay, so I’m supposed to be doing a game review. But it’s kind of hard to because there is no game here. This is just one of those “choose your own adventure” books from when you were a kid, only with worse writing and a handful of raunchy anime static screens. And by a handful I mean there are four. Yep, the four high-resolution screen shots on its marketplace page that look like softcore anime pornography are in fact the only ones in the entire game. Or at least the only ones I saw in the fifteen minutes it took me to finish it and see the “you win” screen. Everything else is really bad graphics that would be embarrassing if they were on an early 80s computer. Misleading? Oh yea.
So what does the 240 Microsoft Points get you here? A few racy static screens of digital girls and a piss-poor, incomprehensible storyline that takes all of fifteen minutes to complete. I guess I should make it clear that I strongly advise that you do not purchase Temple of Dogolrak, but chances are I already lost most of you one way or another when I posted the picture of the giant astro-snatch.
240 Microsoft Points think Johnny Bravo is kind of cute in the making of this review.
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UPDATE: It took me 148 days but I finally got called a Nazi by someone for something I wrote! You know what that means!