Don’t Die Dateless, Dummy!
January 19, 2012 14 Comments
Choose your own adventure games are like being blindfolded and set loose in a pasture full of cows with irritable bowel syndrome. Getting through one from start to finish without stepping in a pile of shit is going to require more luck than anything else. I made five attempts at finishing Don’t Die Dateless, Dummy! and I don’t think I lasted more than ten minutes in any of them. I’ve also pretty much given up on further attempts. As it stands, my feet are already so caked in manure that everywhere I’ve stepped in the past couple hours is properly fertilized for the next planting season. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
In DDD,D! you play as an introverted virgin on his first day of college. You’re bound and determined to lose the big V before the year is up. It took me all of a minute to determine what the guy’s problem was up to this point: he’s a completely unlikable twit. The first option the game gives you is whether you want to go to the bathroom, use the computer, or go watch TV. I put myself in the mindset of a girl that’s possibly being courted by this guy and figured that it wouldn’t be very productive to be introduced to a guy who’s busting for a piss, so I sent him to the bathroom. It was here that the guy stopped to flex for a mirror and do a few push-ups. Oh my, a narcissistic freshman on a quest to bust his man-cherry. What a catch.
I was determined to help steer the annoying virgin towards the promise land, but the luck of the draw was not on my side. Like every other version of this kind of game I’ve played for IndieGamerChick, it’s just too fucking easy to “die.” Here, death means you reach your 30th birthday as a virgin and thus become a wizard. You know, if that were actually true, I think teenagers across the country would be way more receptive towards abstinence-only education. Here, being a wizard is a bad thing for some reason. I would think if the reward was actual magical powers, waiting until you’re 30 just to get laid would be worth it. Once the magic starts flowing, you would be able to magically order up more pussy than unsuspecting customers of Hong’s Chinese Restaurant.
And how did I die? Well, my first mistake was leaning in too close to talk to a girl. Apparently I invaded her space and offended her. How was I to know? She was dressed like she had forgotten to do her laundry and the only thing clean was the shower curtain.
When you make a mistake, it’s time to start over. Unless you save. But saving kind of was an issue for me, in that I couldn’t be bothered to do it. There are no save prompts, so if you get caught up in the storyline (hey, it’s possible!) and step on one of those wrong choice cowpats, you get to relive the entire fucking story from the very beginning. I hate it when games do this. Saving isn’t always worth it, either. The interface to do it with is slow and clunky. A quick-save option would have been preferrable but the game couldn’t be bothered.
So I went through the agonizing story starring the most unlikable fictional creation since those little CGI nail fungus thingies from those one ads (shudder) and kept dying. I died when I got beat up by some catty bitch’s boyfriend. I died when I forgot that one of the chicks I was playing the field with didn’t like tennis. I died right at the start when I chose “use the computer” trying to boost my intelligence level. The game has a point system that gives you points in intelligence, charisma, and strength. I decided since I liked the brainy girl more than shower-curtain wearing slut, I should try to make myself smarter and choosing “use computer” as the very first option was as good a start as any. So I chose it and promptly died because my guy wanted to play Warcraft instead. Hmmmph.
I never did figure out what the whole scoring system does. My inability to go more than two minutes without failing to step right in line with the writer’s logic led to me starting over from scratch again and again. I would like to remind the developer of this and every other game like Don’t Die Dateless, Dummy! that video games are made to entertain people. If you forced someone to read a book by reading one paragraph and then starting over at the beginning, go one paragraph further and then start over again, you would be subject to sanctions under the Geneva Convention.
So, shocker of shocks, I can’t recommend Don’t Die Dateless, Dummy! I will admit that the writing is slightly less painful than most games like this I’ve played on XBLIG. Even if does annoyingly censor ****ing swear words. This was probably done with the knowledge that it’s target audience have parents who frown on games with gigantic anime boobies in them, but if the cussing is bleeped out they can hope for just one week of being grounded instead of two. Still, I’m sure it won’t matter. This game will sell because the aforementioned gigantic anime boobies. And thus it’s owners will in fact reach the age of 30 with their virginity still intact. No, they won’t become wizards. But if they hold out another forty years, they might become Pope!
Don’t Die Dateless, Dummy! was developed by “cupholder”
240 Microsoft Points would rather see a game about a prudish puritan who actively avoids trying to get laid, just to change things up in the making of this review.
I couldn’t find anything about the developer or a trailer for this game. Sorry.
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