Life in the Dorms

After fumbling around with what might be the worst point-and-click interface I’ve ever encountered, my patience was stretched to the limit during one sequence in Life in the Dorms.  While on a scavenger hunt, I accidentally clicked one of the beds in my room.  What followed was an interaction system so comically awful that I was convinced that I had broken the game.  Upon clicking the bed, the dude you control (named Dack, poor kid) walked over to the door.  Then back in front of the bed.  Then back to the door.  Then back to the bed.  Then the door.  Bed.  Door.  Bed.  Door.  Bed.  I couldn’t stop it.  Door.  Bed.  Door.  Bed.  Door.  Bed.  No interrupt button.  Door.  Bed.  Door.  Bed.  Door.  Bed.  Door.  Bed.  WHY IS IT DOING THIS?  Door.  Bed.  Door.  Bed.  Door.  Bed.  A minute straight of walking back and forth.  Door.  Bed.  Door.  Bed.

Finally, Dack sat down on the bed, and sputtered out a one-liner bitching about how hard the mattress was.  I turned to my boyfriend and said,

“Brian?”

“Yes, sweetie?”

“Please turn off my Xbox before I murder it.”

Despite the clunky interface, the puzzles of Life in the Dorms seem about as logical as your average point-and-click game.  Such as "Use lightsaber to get toilet paper down from shelf."

Despite the clunky interface, the puzzles of Life in the Dorms seem about as logical as your average point-and-click game. Such as “Use lightsaber to get toilet paper down from shelf.”

I’m sure the above CPU brain fart was due to a criminally horrible design choice that required the lead character to physically touch every object you point-and-click on.  Though for the life of me, I can’t bring myself to the mindset where anyone could believe this was a good idea.  Point-and-clickers are slow enough without having to watch your character lock into the appropriate place.  The above example with the bed actually happened, and it kept going because the character couldn’t properly line up in the spot that triggered the “sit down” animation.  That’s the only explanation I could come up with for why he staggered back and forth like a flash bang had gone off next to his face.  But it wasn’t the only time I had problems.

I didn’t make it out of the first chapter of Life in the Dorms before my patience wore thin.  I wouldn’t have even bothered going as long as I did if the writing didn’t at least hold the promise of being good.  Unfortunately, the awful interface negates whatever potential the dialog had.  Like going through a box of DVDs.  Instead of being able to collect every DVD, the game plays out like this.

Step one: click on the box.  Make sure you click the eye, which means you want to look at the contents of the box.

Step two: wait for the camera to hover over the box.

Step three: select one of the DVDs in the box.

Step four: Slowly pull the DVD out of the box and put it in your inventory.

Step five: Click another DVD in the box.

Step six: Dack will address the camera directly saying how he better put one of the DVDs back.

Step seven: you watch Dack put the DVD back, then the camera pulls back, then zooms in again when Dack grabs the next DVD you selected and puts it in his inventory.  The length between steps five and seven is fucking atrocious.

It's even worse because the dude who addresses the camera (and occasionally has awkward hugs with various NPCs) has no expression on his face except "I will steal your immortal soul." Shit will haunt my nightmares.

It’s even worse because the dude who addresses the camera (and occasionally has awkward hugs with various NPCs) has no expression on his face except “I will steal your immortal soul.” Shit will haunt my nightmares.

This is one of the most clunky, cumbersome, awful interfaces I’ve ever seen.  It’s like Life in the Dorms is overdosing from that slow-motion drug from Dredd.  I just want to move the plot forward with as little resistance as possible.  Yet every rinky dinky action requires Dack to turn and face the camera to address the situation, in what I can only guess is an attempt to break down the fourth wall.  I’m actually embarrassed that I gave up on a game this quickly, even though I was an hour in and had made almost no progress.  The only thing I could think about was “this is a point-and-click game.  Those typically require lots of insane logical-leaps and guesswork.  That means I’ll be seeing a whole lot of wrong guesses where the punishment is more slow movement from Dack as he turns to address the camera.  Fuck that.”  I think what happened is the developers forgot they had made a story driven game.  Imagine if the only way you could watch a DVD was to fumble with the controller and push a random sequence of buttons, then wait for the next portion of the movie to slowly load up.  So slowly that you see five minutes worth of story over the course of your first hour in.  Nobody would find it unreasonable if you just moved on to something else.  With that in mind, I’ll move onto something more exciting.  Like sleeping.

xboxboxartLife in the Dorms was developed by Moment Games

80 Microsoft Points said “wouldn’t chain-locking the only exit to the door be considered a major safety hazard?” in the making of this review.

Magnetic By Nature and Sherbet Thieves (Second Chance with the Chick)

Good news: these next two games made the Indie Gamer Chick Leaderboard.

Bad news: they were already on it.

Good news: both games moved up the board!

Bad news: Actually, there’s nothing but good news left!

Still not completely sold on Magnetic By Nature's art-style, but it has gotten critical acclaim elsewhere. Guess I'll hop on the band wagon and give them a quote for their next crowd-funding effort.  Ahem.  "Magnetic By Nature is Art-Decoriffic!" I'm such a sell-out.

Still not completely sold on Magnetic By Nature’s art-style, but it has gotten critical acclaim elsewhere. Guess I’ll hop on the band wagon and give them a quote for their next crowd-funding effort. Ahem. “Magnetic By Nature is Art-Decoriffic!” I’m such a sell-out.

Last month, I checked out student project Magnetic By Nature and enjoyed it well enough, even though the game had severe frame-rate issues.  I just played through it once again, and the skipping is almost completely eliminated.  Without it, you get to appreciate this smooth, very well conceived physics-platformer.  Sure, I do wish it had more emphasis on physics-based puzzles.  And sure, the controls still never become fully intuitive, but that’s the nature of the magnetic-based physics.  They’re magnetic-by-nature if you will.  Yuk yuk.

Like many twin stick shooters, you can't tell what's going on in Sherbet Thieves just from screen shots.

Like many twin stick shooters, you can’t tell what’s going on in Sherbet Thieves just from screen shots.

Okay, so Magnetic By Nature didn’t have a whole lot to improve upon.  I can’t say the same for Sherbet Thieves, which just broke the record for longest gap between my original review and my Second Chance, at nearly twenty months.  In that time, the game’s been overhauled with new levels, better balanced difficulty, smarter stage design, and a well-implemented unlimited mode.  So what was already a pretty decent (if not memorable) title is now one of the better twin-stick shooters on the XBLIG platform.  If you forgot it before, don’t forget it now.  It’s a keeper.

I’m really puzzled as to why more developers don’t take me up on Second Chances with the Chick.  Almost every game sees improved standings over their previous review.  The best part about being an XBLIG critic is seeing so many developers hone their craft and improve upon the skills they’ve built.  Really, there is no better way to witness evolution in action.  Well, except by watching nature videos of the mudskipper.

Oh look.  Tee hee, there is goes, thumbing its nose at creationists.

IGC_ApprovedMagnetic By Nature was developed by Tripleslash Studios

Sherbet Thieves was developed by Bang Zero Bang

80 Microsoft Points each will be posting a special feature on the five games most in need of a Second Chance with the Chick in the making of this review.

Magnetic By Nature jumped five positions over its previous Leaderboard standing, while Sherbet Thieves jumped an amazing 16 spots.  Head over to the board to see where they landed.  Both games are Chick-Approved.

Bug Zapper and Hop Til You Drop

Update: Hop Til You Drop received a Second Chance with the Chick.  It is now Chick-Approved and ranked on the Indie Gamer Chick LeaderboardClick here for my continued thoughts on it.

Here are two games that seem like good ideas, but the execution is just a bit off, resulting in the losing streak the Leaderboard has been on continuing.  First off is Bug Zapper, which comes from the developer of previous Leaderboard title Zomp 3 (#84 as of this writing).  This time, instead of a Lolo-esq puzzler, Chris Skelly went for the good-old-boy pasttime of bug zapping, with the idea being you’re the one insect who is immune to the hypnotic glow of electric death device.  Thus, you have to prevent your fellow pests from going towards the light.  This is hilariously done by beating them to a bloody pulp.  As far as solutions to potential problems go, that’s pretty fucking awesome.  It would be like helping a coke head stay sober by breaking his nose.

Bug Zapper gives you a lot to keep up with, and in its present form, it really is too much.

Bug Zapper gives you a lot to keep up with, and in its present form, it really is too much.

As far as game concepts go, it’s actually pretty good.  Bug Zapper also features upgradable stats and a wide variety of bugs to smack down.  So what’s the problem?  Well, I had two major problems.  The first was I couldn’t get the hang of the throw controls.  Bug Zapper heavily relies on throwing bugs into each other in order to rack up combos that build your special moves meter, but even with lots of practice, I had just as good a chance of throwing a rescued bug into the zapper as I did into another bug.  This is because the swarms of bugs heading for the zapper is utterly relentless and you have to keep moving nonstop to have a chance to prevent them from dying.  More control over what directions the bug could be thrown would help, because throwing at angles was imprecise.

A more troubling problem is the fact that the player can completely ruin the ability to throw bugs by picking the wrong upgrades.  You can upgrade the strength of your punching and of your throwing.  In order to throw a bug, you must weaken their health past a certain point, depending on how many times you’ve upgraded your throw.  However, it is possible for you to have a punch so powerful that bugs are knocked out before being weak enough to throw.  Since many of the stages later in the game rely on this ability, the result is you have to grind upgrade points to strengthen your throw.  It really saps the fun out of it, because grinding doesn’t really fit well with this style of game.  There’s a few other smaller issues dealing with the difficulty levels (consider “Medium” to be hard and “Easy” to be medium) and collision detection (it’s too easy to accidentally get zapped by the zapper), but there’s a real game here.  It just needs a tiny amount of work to fix the pacing issues.

Screen from Hop Til You Drop.  Not a fan of the background changing colors here either, but I didn't play the game long enough to grow what was certain to be a hatred for it.

Screen from Hop Til You Drop. Not a fan of the background changing colors here either, but I didn’t play the game long enough to grow what was certain to be a hatred for it.

Speaking of pacing problems, I didn’t get very far into Hop Til You Drop at all.  Why?  Well, the concept is decent enough, I guess.  You’re a dude who has to hop around a room collecting coins.  The hook is, when you hop, the gravity switches and you end up walking on the ceiling, then back on the floor, etc, etc.  Meanwhile, the game randomly spawns a huge number of traps that try to kill you.  Just get as many coins as you can before dying.  Simple enough.  Hey, I’m into games based on high scores, even if they tend to suffer without online leaderboards, which I don’t believe Hop Til You Drop has.  No, here’s my problem: rounds in Hop Til You Drop can be very, very short.  That’s fine, if it’s done right.  However, once you die, you have to first view a screen that gives you your stats for this last game.  Then you have to go to main menu.  Then you have to select your character again.  There is no quick-load to start playing again, so you’ll spend as much or more time in menus then you will playing the game.  Fuck.  That.  Jesus Farting Christ, hasn’t the developer ever played a fucking good punisher before?  In the good ones, you die and BAM you’re playing again.  There is no break.  That’s how they become addictive, because they cater to that “just one more try” mentality.  Hop Til You Drop openly fights it, and that’s why it sucks.  The game itself is probably good enough to make the board, but I would rather give myself a swirly then play it again in its present state.

xboxboxart1xboxboxartBug Zapper was developed by Chris Skelly

Hop Til You Drop was developed by Chris Outen

80 Microsoft Points said guys named Chris must have problems getting proper playtesters in the making of this review.  It’s because guys named Chris are too sweet for their own good.  Think about it.  Do you know a Chris in your life?  I bet you can walk all over him. 

Dinora

Dinora bears a strong resemblance to Terraria, the sleeper-hit that’s climbing up the charts on XBLA, and of which I reviewed the PSN version.  As a reminder of what I felt of Terraria, I was annoyed by its numerous game-killing glitches, then went on to lose 50+ hours to a borderline-addiction to it.  So, I guess you can say I’m a fan of it.  Oh, I’m done with it.  For reals this time.  I swear.  No really.  Stop looking at me like that.  Look, Brian and me went to play it a little more and the glitches they patched out were replaced by even worse glitches that made half the world invisible to me.  So seriously, I’m over it.  It’s out of my system.  Had a good time while it lasted, but the thrill is gone.

At least until they patch it some more.

And possibly a reunion if they do DLC for it.

Never did kill that wall of flesh either.

You know, we had just started doing plumbing the last time we played it.  There are lots of unexplored uses for that.

NO, STOP CATHY!  Remember that 12 step program.

Hey look, it's a giant disembodied head that attacks you with it's two disembodied hands. Just like in Terraria!

Hey look, it’s a giant disembodied head that attacks you with its two disembodied hands. Just like in Terraria!

Of course, if you can’t get Terraria out of your system, there’s always Dinora on XBLIG for 80 Microsoft Points.  It will either curb your Terraria addiction or give you nuclear-level cravings for it.  Feast or famine.  For me?  It really did help to strengthen my resolve to never play Terraria again.  Which impressed the hell out of Brian, who has since gone on a quest looking for the Dinora-equivalent of something to help me quit smoking.  He’s wasting his time, since that’s probably lung cancer.

When I said Dinora had a resemblance to Terraria, I wasn’t being coy.  It looks just like a cheap, unrefined, non-pixel-art version of it.  But endearingly so, like when a kindergartener draws a picture of his family.  Sure, it’s crude, but hey look, it’s your family!  Not sure why the dog looks like a shark, but whatever.  And that’s Dinora: looks the part, if the part was left out in the sun too long.  And guess what?  It plays the part too!  Well, kind of.  I suppose it’s like if you had a friend who got sucked into a jet engine and his broken body was held together by staples and kept alive using a machine.  It’s still your friend, but not really.  And that’s Dinora: like Terraria on life support.

Everything bad about Dinora I can explain using something as simple as a door.  In Terraria, you have to build a shelter to stay safe at night for when the monsters come out.  This involves putting up walls, then covering the back wall, and finally sticking a door to enter through.  This is typically the first thing you do when you turn the game on.  Dinora does the same thing, only it does it badly.  In order to place a door in Dinora, you must have four spaces of clearance, plus solid blocks above and below you.  Okay, that door is just way too big, but it gets worse, because you can’t actually reach five blocks above you to place a block to hold the door.  Thus you’re required to build a staircase to create enough clearance to have room for the door.  Sure, you could just have your house dip slightly underground, but what if I don’t want that?  I mean, it’s unsanitary!  It’s so badly handled and stinks of careless design that it makes me sad.  I really loved Terraria, and I would be totally game to enjoy a clone of it that offers more features.  The problem here is that Dinora does everything Terraria does, only it does it worse.  So who cares about the new features?

Correction: Apparently you can adjust the building reach in the options menu.  I’m not sure why the default is so low, nor would I have thought to check to see if you can adjust reach.  I still think Dinora is bad though, for many more reasons.

If I seem like I'm being too harsh on Dinora, I'll remind you that Terraria was developed by two guys using XNA.  Two guys whose brains I assure you are no bigger than yours or mine or the guys who made Dinora.  But Dinora looks so much worse than Terraria, in addition to sounding worse, playing worse, and lacking the multiplayer aspect.  What makes me shake my head in disappointment is that to make a knock-off that is this close to the original in so many aspects took actual talent, I think.  I just wish they had applied that talent to something original.  I hope these guys gut it out and make something quirky, weird, and new.  Something not done before.

If I seem like I’m being too harsh on Dinora, I’ll remind you that Terraria was developed by two guys using XNA. Two guys whose brains I assure you are no bigger than yours or mine or the guys who made Dinora. But Dinora looks so much worse than Terraria, in addition to sounding worse, playing worse, and lacking the multiplayer aspect. What makes me shake my head in disappointment is that to make a knock-off that is this close to the original in so many aspects took actual talent, I think. I just wish they had applied that talent to something original. I hope these guys gut it out and make something quirky, weird, and new. Something not done before.

The enemies look lame, and on the default difficulty, they utterly swarm you.  Pretty spongy, too.  Your character moves too slow, jumps to shallowly, and is pretty much useless.  At least as the class I picked: a miner.  This multiple-character types function seems like it would work better when playing in a party.  When I played Terraria, Brian and I divided responsibilities.  He built our shelter and tunneled to hell, while I mined for precious metals and fought bosses.  There’s no multiplayer in any form for Dinora, which sucks because that’s the hook that kept me coming back to the original.  The enjoyment of playing it with the man that I love.  Left on my own, the world was quite boring and I just wished I could play it with Brian.

The controls are much clunkier as well, though this stems from the best of intentions.  You can now equip stuff to both hands, with the left and right triggers and bumpers used to scroll through items.  Great theory in concept, but it turns an already unwieldy design into a digital form of patting your head and rubbing your belly at the same time.  Even the most staunch fans of Terraria on consoles will probably admit that the controls were anything but intuitive.  Could they have been done better?  I don’t know.  But at least with Dinora, now we can point to something and say “but it could have been a lot worse.  See?”

Alan with the Tea said it best to me: they tried to do what Terraria took years to perfect in short order. Or, at the very least, the game gives that perception. For all I know, they've been working on Dinora for years. I sure hope not.

Alan with the Tea said it best to me: they tried to do what Terraria took years to perfect in short order. Or, at the very least, the game gives that perception. For all I know, they’ve been working on Dinora for years. I sure hope not.

Dinora comes from the root of Dinah, a Hebrew name meaning “justified.”  That’s ironic, because I honestly can’t justify the existence of Dinora.  It’s just one bad issue after another.  While it does aim to add complexity to the Terraria formula, adding new minerals to mine and giving you new tasks to keep up with, it ultimately feels like a really bad, hastily made knock-off.  Terraria is a game that’s been being developed and refined for years now.  I certainly don’t expect the level of sophistication it has in an XBLIG clone.  But this doesn’t even come close to offering the satisfaction of that one.  Even if I had never played Terraria before, I wouldn’t have liked Dinora.  The bad movement parameters that need way more thought put into them, and the overall shoddiness of the control design need way more time in the cooker.  Is there a good game buried in here somewhere?  Sure, I suppose.  If you ignore every single major flaw, of which there are numerous.  But, if you strip away all of those, you’re left with a game that is already out and available for this platform.  The Minecraft clones on XBLIG came out before the real Minecraft hit the console, which makes their existence mean something.  Dinora is a poor-man’s Terraria and simply can’t escape that shadow.  So what do you do if you only have $1 and want to experience what all the hype is about?  Well, you probably should try to remember how you got that $1 in the first place and just repeat the process fourteen times.

xboxboxartDinora was developed by Neuron Vexx

80 Microsoft Points appreciate that the guys at Neuron Vexx warned me about the ultra flashy company splash screen in the making of this review.  Of course, my attention span is roughly that of a Cocker Spaniel, so I promptly forgot the warning and I nearly had a seizure when I booted it up in the making of this review.  Actually, I did that twice.  Why?  Because I’m a fucking moron.  That’s why.

White Noise Online

Whoa, Déjà vu.  I’m pretty sure I played something like White Noise Online two days ago, only much more inferior.  White Noise Online itself is a direct clone of a popular iPhone game called “Slender” just like The Monastery was.  I haven’t played Slender myself, nor do I plan on it.  I use my phone for casual, pick-up-and-play fare, not survival horror.  If I wanted to be creeped out using my iPhone, I would give my number to that janitor who stares at my tits every time he sees me.  I guess this whole “walk around looking for stuff with a flashlight and try not to randomly run into a monster” thing is a fad now.  Sort of like how there’s too many horror movies based around found footage.  The weird thing is, I don’t know anyone who actually likes those movies.  And I can’t find anyone who can explain to me why White Noise or Slender is actually a good game.  Scary?  Maybe.  Fun?  Not in the slightest bit.

Anyone looking to make a quick buck could try selling this picture to Weekly World News.

Anyone looking to make a quick buck could try selling this picture to Weekly World News.

I think a better term would be “spooky.”  The concept for White Noise is you have to walk around looking for tape recorders of your buddies.  The ones that were violently murdered.  I wonder whose bright idea it was to go looking for them this way.

“Hey Bob, we’re going to go find out what happened to our friends!.”

“I’m down with that.  I’ll meet you in the morning.”

“What do you mean, morning?  We’re going tonight.  Preferably after midnight.”

“And why are we doing that?”

“Because this can’t wait any longer!”

“But it will be more difficult to see what we’re doing and where we’re going and besides that, our friends were splatter-killed.  They found Jimmy’s insides scattered throughout a tree.  The cops thought it was morbid Christmas decorations!”

“But we have to get to the bottom of this and find out what happened to them!”

“We can find out in the morning, with less risk of dying.”

“But if we die, we’ll know what killed them!”

“But we’ll be dead!”

“And then the mystery will be solved!”

“Are you suicidal?”

“A little bit.”

“I told you not to buy shares in Facebook!”

So yea.  You wander around, looking for these recorders.  When you get close to one, you can hear white noise, which is better than no indicator at all.  However, once you pick up a recorder, it’s tough to make out exactly what is being said.  It sounds like the drive-thru from Hell.  Eventually, an evil monster thing that looks like a demented Zora from the Zelda series will spot you.  Or more accurately, you’ll spot it.  At this point, it’s pretty hard to survive.  You can run for it, but even when I selected a character with high evasion points, I still never lasted more than a minute after encountering it.  When you have no warning, no method of fighting back, and extremely low odds of not dying once found, it saps the entertainment value from the experience, because death isn’t a question of if but when.

Like zoinks, Scooby, I bet old man Withers is behind this!

Like zoinks, Scooby, I bet old man Withers is behind this!

As is the norm with a game from Milkstone, the graphics and audio are superb.  As a horror game, the mood is perfectly set, with unnerving audio and an eerie fog that sometimes looks like it might be a monster or a ghost or something.  The thought of that is much scarier than any actual frights White Noise Online offers.  For fans of this schlock, I’m sorry but I just don’t get it.  The whole “being stalked by a baddie in the dark” thing just doesn’t interest me in the slightest bit.  So, despite a genuinely spooky atmosphere, I really hated White Noise Online.  It’s just not a fun or entertaining game.  It’s tough to get goosebumps when the core gameplay involves aimless wandering and no actual means to escape the enemy trying to kill you.  It’s just plain boring.

The best scary games are a blend of good play mechanics and atmosphere.  Eternal Darkness probably terrified me more than anything I can remember, but I wouldn’t have bothered with it if it wasn’t also a joy to play.  The same goes for Fatal Frame 2 or Silent Hill 2.  They’re not perfect, mind you.  Those Silent Hill games could be as clumsy as a drunken rhinoceros turned loose in a china shop.  But they offered gameplay other than “walk around in the dark.”  White Noise has no puzzles, no combat, and the exploration sucks because everything looks samey enough to make navigation confusing and tedious.  Obviously there is a market for this, given the success of Slender, and the fact that my best pal Tim the Toolman Hurley seemed to have enjoyed what White Noise was pitching.  For me?  I want games with a good story and good play mechanics.  But, if I can only have one of those, I would take the play mechanics.  Why?  Because games are things you play with.   Movies are things you watch.  I know David Cage missed that memo, but you indie guys are supposed to be smarter than that.

xboxboxartWhite Noise Online was developed by Milkstone Studios

80 Microsoft Points didn’t play with the online mode.  If the mechanics were more or less the same as the single player mode, the only difference would be getting bored with friends instead of getting bored with myself in the making of this review.

The Monastery

Yea, I know.  The game is called “the monastery” in one of those strange cases where capitalization is denied.  There’s irony in that, because the developers didn’t capitalize on solid 3D graphics to create something worth playing.  The Monastery is just plain boring.  Now if the guys at Rendercode Games were aiming to create an authentic wandering around simulator, mission accomplished.

Make no mistake, the visuals could have been spooky. But the scariest thing about The Monastery is just how boring it is.

Make no mistake, the visuals could have been spooky. But the scariest thing about The Monastery is just how boring it is.

The idea is you’re stumbling through the ruins of an ancient monastery looking for ten over-sized bibles.  In about an hour of gameplay, the most I could ever locate in a single play-session was one.  Maybe I could have found more, but roughly 90 seconds into every game, an enemy would spot me.  Once they’ve done that, they give chase endlessly.  There’s no attacking, so fighting back is out of the question.  As far as I can tell, there really is no rhyme or reason to avoiding the monster.  Hypothetically, you could just hold the run button (and there is never a time when you won’t want to be running, because the normal walking speed is snail-glued-to-a-sloth-slow), but that defeats the whole point of a game based around exploration.  If you can’t stop to look around every once in a while, what you’re really playing is a one-sided game of Tag where you never get to be “it.”

So what else can I say?  It’s bad.  Don’t buy it.  I can’t say too much else, other than I hope the developer does something better with the pretty decent looking graphics engine they used.  The Monastery is a scary game that’s not scary.  Yes, it looks cool.  It probably looks even cooler in the dark.  Of course, so does radium, but I wouldn’t recommend you get near it.

xboxboxartThe Monastery was developed by Rendercode Games

80 Microsoft Points stood shaking their fist defiantly at XBLIG devs threatening them to not actually make a game of video tag in the making of this review.  Seriously, it’s a game that requires the ability to run and touch other people.  This does not need to be digitized. 

Naoki Tales

I started Indie Gamer Chick looking for weird, exotic, experimental game types.  But, every once in a while I just want a platformer.  That doesn’t mean it has to be a generic, lifeless one.  The formula is so established that developers are almost forced to tinker with it, lest the game be skewered for being unambitious.  That’s kind of the case with Naoki Tales.  It’s so straight forward and unoriginal that you almost wonder who this was ultimately designed to appeal towards.  Modern platforming fans will quickly get bored by the bare-bones, basic gameplay.  Classic platforming fans will ultimately compare this to their childhood favorites, which at best can invoke dormant memories of long forgotten also-rans of the genre.  They might be pleasant memories, sure.   It might even cause random “Naoki Tales is not bad” tweets on Twitter.  But it won’t be something people pester others to play.  I’ve spent so much time trying to sell people on playing We Are Cubes that a friend threatened to re-purpose my ovaries as organic earmuffs if I didn’t shut up about it.

Break bricks. Stomp on baddies. Yawn.

Break bricks. Stomp on baddies. Yawn.

By the way, I’m not trying to suggest that Naoki Tales is a bad game.  It’s not.  The controls are pretty decent, the graphics clean and distinctive, and the level design is not incompetent.  Having said that, I did not enjoy my time with it at all.  Not even a smidge.  It’s just so damn dull and basic that I found nothing to keep me interested.  The only reason I trudged through to the end is the game is as easy as a bowel movement after an all-night Taco Bell bender.

I’m also not saying the game lacks questionable design decisions.  Things like “why can I jump on pigs and cats but not birds?  Shouldn’t birds have, like, softer, more squishable bones?”  Granted, there are way fewer birds than other enemies, so maybe the damage you take is to your soul, because the birds are endangered or something.  That doesn’t explain why it’s kosher to throw what I think are mushrooms at them.  Mushrooms which are so plentiful that there really was no point in making you pick them up along the levels, because you’ll never come close to running out.  And then there are annoying levels where you have to retrieve a key on one end of a stage, walk all the way back to the beginning to activate something, and then walk all the way back again.  Thankfully this form of level design isn’t used extensively, but it just adds to the problem of not doing enough to be fun.  Naoki Tales is one of those rarities on XBLIG that works fine, looks good enough, but just isn’t that fun, and fun is all that matters.

xboxboxartNaoki Tales was developed by 3T Games

80 Microsoft Points said “this game would have been popular with Mario-deprived children in the 80s” in the making of this review.

Video Footage courtesy of Aaron the Splazer

Zombie Estate 2

Sigh.  You know, despite having played literally dozens of games just like this, when I saw screens for Zombie Estate 2, I got excited.  I know that I sometimes bitch about being fatigued by the endless zombie games on XBLIG, or the endless twin-stick shooters, or especially combinations of the two.  But, just the prospect of a decent one gets me excited.  Yea yea, I’m supposed to be too hip for this kind of stuff and not admit what I just said.  It would be like admitting that I’m a fan of nose-picking.  Which I’m not, even though there are few things in life quite as satisfying as picking your nose.  Especially when you get a particularly stubborn booger that’s lodged way up there.  When you finally yank it out, it’s practically nirvana.

I’m guessing all those invites I get to gaming conferences just dried up.  It’s just as well.

It didn’t take too long into Zombie Estate 2 to realize the game would have big, big problems.  Not among them are the graphics, which offer some charming 2D visuals.  Can’t get enough of those.  Okay, so the text is too small, which is about as common a problem as you’ll find on the XBLIG scene.  My television is so big that God had to first move it out of the way before creating light, and yet I practically had to sit on top of the screen to make out some of the words.  Still, games with graphics that do this good a job of putting a modern twist on blocky, low-resolution 80s pixel art are typically pretty high in quality.  Maybe Zombie Estate 2 would be no different, but it has one very glaring issue: the difficulty is so intensely out-of-bounds past the point of reality that it simply can’t be enjoyed.

There are a ton of goodies to unlock in Zombie Estate 2.  I just wish the game you have to play to unlock them was fun.  It's just frustrating.

There are a ton of goodies to unlock in Zombie Estate 2. I just wish the game you have to play to unlock them was fun. It’s just frustrating.

ZE2 is a wave-shooter with enemies that are spongy and move much faster than you.  And it’s not just a few zombies either.  It’s having large portions of the screen saturated with the fucking things.  The game doesn’t send out just enough zombies to make up the wave.  Oh no.  Let’s say that the object of a level is to kill 100 zombies, and you have 99 killed.  How many zombies would you expect there to be on the screen?  Just one, right?  Try dozens.  All of which are grouped together.  When you kill the last one, the rest just vanish into thin air.  This gives you a chance to pick up those items.  Unless they’re about to blink out of existence themselves, which they do too quickly.

In order to better fight off the hoards, you can buy new weapons or upgrade existing ones.  Sounds, great, except picking up item drops (such as money) is a chore itself.  When you kill a zombie, chances are it’s part of the pack that’s closing in on you.  As soon as it drops something, whatever it is gets immediately covered up by dozens of enemies.  Your character sucks up items, but the range and speed it does so is so negligible that it might as well not do that.  And besides all that, enemies rarely drop valuable money or health packs.  Mostly, they drop ammo.  This would be fine, except they mostly seemed to drop ammo for guns I didn’t have.  It’s around this point that you realize if there’s such thing as a game that is an asshole for the sake of being an asshole, it’s Zombie Estate 2.  It’s not lovable or fun to be around, nor does it make any effort at doing so.

I played with one friend, but we quickly grew tired of the spongy enemy spam that made item-drops unobtainable.  Not alone either.  People on Twitter are alerting me that with four players they couldn't make it past the fifth wave either.

I played with one friend, but we quickly grew tired of the spongy enemy spam that made item-drops unobtainable. Not alone either. People on Twitter are alerting me that with four players they couldn’t make progress either.

Over the course of 48 hours, I played Zombie Estate 2 three separate times, and ended each session in utter frustration.  How can a game with all the fundamental mechanics for a pretty good time be so thoroughly destroyed by reckless design?  For God’s sake, there are fire enemies that can spawn right on top of you with no warning right in the middle of the fucking map!  No matter how much I bobbed and weaved around the level, they would appear on me, and I would start to lose health.  What the fuck, Zombie Estate 2?  Were you abused as a child?  Mind you, this is on the easiest difficulty setting.  You can go ahead and call me a shitty gamer too.  I think if I’m defined as being a bitch because I don’t think you should have a game where enemies randomly spawn on top of you, I can live with the label.  Or the tired “you just suck at games” label that is the be all, end all excuse horrible game enthusiasts throw at me when I say “this game is not worth buying.”  And Zombie Estate 2 is not worth buying.  Too difficult.  Too concerned with making the game excruciating instead of entertaining.  It resists being fun.  It looks like it will be good, and it sounds like it will be good, but it just is not good.  It’s the Kwame Brown of video games.

xboxboxartZombie Estate 2 was developed by, um, some guys that made a game called Zombie Estate 2.

80 Microsoft Points figure it’s yet another case of a developer getting to good at their own game but didn’t mention it in the body of the review because they don’t want to sound like a broken record in the making of this review.  Seriously though, why is the game so fucking impossible on casual mode?  And why do the flame guys spawn on top of you?  And why doesn’t the game drop more money?  These questions should probably be answered since they all make the game less fun than it can be.  Games are supposed to be fun, right?  If not fun, entertaining.  Difficult can be fun.  Unfairly difficult never is.

Ultimate Dodgeball, Avatars on the Edge, and Terranon Worlds

I’m probably not the best person to review today’s games, all of which have multiplayer in mind.  Even though I’m building up a base of friends (hey Bryce, Cameron, and Syd!), it’s not as if I have access to them at all times.  And then, when I actually do, XBLIGs are rarely high on their itinerary.  Even when I know an Xbox Indie is top quality, it’s tough to sell to them that our limited time together should be spent playing it instead of the latest mainstream title.  It’s like inviting people over for steak and lobster dinner, then trying to convince them to eat McDonalds instead.  Sure, McDonalds is occasionally delicious, but the steak and lobster is right there and the more sure-fire bet.

First up is Ultimate Dodgeball, which is a more or less straight telling of the actual sport.  And that’s the biggest problem with it.  Dodgeball doesn’t really lend itself well to video games on its own.  Without having over-the-top wackiness sprinkled on, such as the case in the still-popular-to-this-day (though I don’t understand why myself) Super Dodgeball.  Ultimate does have some power shots and special moves, but as a digital sport, it’s light on the excitement and gets old quickly.

Yep, that's Dodgeball. Look at it, all Dodgebally.

Yep, that’s Dodgeball. Look at it, all Dodgebally.

IGC_ApprovedDon’t get me wrong.  Ultimate Dodgeball is fundamentally a well made game, with intuitive controls.  Except when it came to catching the balls, which neither myself nor my playing partner (hey Cameron!) could get the hang of even after hours of practice.  There’s online play as well, which is the reason why this review is delayed by several months, as the original build was not stable.  All problems with it seem to be fixed, and we were able to enjoy a few rounds.  While it can be fun, it just doesn’t have staying power.  I guess I’m leaning towards a tepid recommendation.  But really, this game doesn’t need to exist.  I think there are much better options for games on Xbox 360 where the object is to launch projectiles at enemies to, ahem, eliminate them.

xboxboxartUltimate Dodgeball was developed by K-Dog Games (80 Microsoft Points miss the Dodgeball league they had on Gameshow Network).

Ultimate Dodgeball is Chick Approved and ranked on the Indie Gamer Chick Leaderboard.

A review copy was provided to Indie Gamer Chick for the purposes of testing out online multiplayer.  The copy played by the Chick was paid for with her money.  The review copy was given to a friend who had no feedback in this review.  Consult the FAQ for how review copies work at Indie Gamer Chick. 

Next up is Avatars on the Edge, which is sort of a skateboarding-race game that feels like a bad Mario Kart clone.  This is one of those titles where you play it and feel like the potential for something a cut above average has been laid, but it’s not ready for primetime yet.  The biggest problem is that the track layouts are confusing.  Avatars on the Edge does an admirable job of giving you a sense of speed, but you often have no idea which way you’re supposed to go.  The only help the game offers is a red beacon, but otherwise you have to trial-and-error your way through each course, which is not the type of gameplay I’m looking for in a racer.  Even worse is the insane requirements to unlock each new stage.  You have to hit a target time in order to progress, but those times are too short, probably from the developers being too good at their own game and not realizing that the rest of us haven’t spent our lives practicing at it.

Props to the team behind this for the graphics and frame-rate, which only had a few brief hiccups.  However, some of the courses look awful, with too much blacks and not enough texture.  Gives the game an unfinished look.

Props to the team behind this for the graphics and frame-rate, which only had a few brief hiccups. However, some of the courses look awful, with too much blacks and not enough texture. Gives the game an unfinished look.

Avatars on the Edge also has problems with fairness.  I played an online race set on a monorail track.  Because your character moves so fast and the controls are so loose, making narrow turns and taking sharp corners is frustrating.  Still, I was doing pretty well on this particular race.  Then the train came around again.  The strip you have on the side of the track is far too thin and leaves no margin for error, and thus I got smacked by the train.  But then, when I respawned, the train was still there and I got splattered again the very moment I came back.  Hmmph.  Finally, I respawn for the second time in a row, only it put my character on the edge of a cliff, and there was no way I could correct it, leading to me dying for the third time in just a few seconds.  That whole sequence pretty much sums up everything wrong with Avatars on the Edge.  Crappy stage layouts, overly difficult requirements placed on players, and unfair mechanics.  With a lot of patchwork, something good might come of it someday, but for now, this game sucks.

xboxboxart3Avatars on the Edge was developed by Mancebo Games (80 Microsoft Points liked this much more than their previous effort, the very dull Zombies Ruined My Day)

Finally, Terranon Worlds.  It’s the first game I’ve played on XBLIG that uses Asteroid style controls, which I’ve never been a fan of.  I think gaming has come a long ways since 1979.  Since that time, there’s been an amazing innovation called a “joystick” that allows for more precision movements.  Here, the stick is used just to aim you, while you have to manually fire thrusters.  I didn’t make it too far into Terranon Worlds though.  The enemies are too small, your are bullets too slow, and aiming is too imprecise.  Worst yet, the amount of enemies ramps up so quickly and they’re so picture perfect in their movements and aiming that the game quickly becomes unreasonable.

Plus, the upgradable stat thing is bungled horribly.  The worst part is how you have a limit on how many bullets you can fire at once.  This was an utterly awful idea given the sheer volume of enemies, and how tough it is to line up an accurate shot.  You have to spend the majority of the game running away from enemies while you wait for your bullets to refill.  You can upgrade these things, but the game becomes too overwhelming before you have enough points to put an acceptable amount of muscle in them.  Having said that, there’s a “free mode” where you get a ton of money right out of the starting gate to upgrade stats, and I still never found the gun was well done, even fully pumped up.  At best, I didn’t have to worry about my bullets running out.  Shooting was still too difficult because the enemies are too small and too fast.  I don’t know if multiplayer takes the ease off either, because nobody was willing to dive into this with me.  Can’t say I blame them.  If I got swimming through raw sewage, come out smelling like shit and complaining about how nasty it was, it’s hard to convince people to join you the next time.

Well, at least the enemies look like they get bigger.  Wait, why did the game start out with the smaller, harder to shoot enemies?  Shouldn't the bigger ones that make easier targets have been the tutorial-level baddies?

Well, at least the enemies look like they get bigger. Wait, why did the game start out with the smaller, harder to shoot enemies? Shouldn’t the bigger ones that make easier targets have been the tutorial-level baddies?

While I dig Terranon Worlds’ neo-retro vibe, it just isn’t fun.  Some older concepts can be done today with modern sensibilities and become spectacular.  Look at We Are Cubes.  Look at Orbitron.  Look at Minigame Marathon.  These are games that take tired ideas and make them work again.  You can’t just dig up antiquated game mechanics, throw upgradable stats in, and expect it to still be relevant in today’s climate.  The developer of Terranon Worlds did that, and his game suffers for it.  He should have asked himself what could be improved with the original formula.  The tiny enemies, for example.  I always hated picking off the last tiny fragments in Asteroids.  Some kind of aiming bar, or cross-hairs, or homing shots might have improved that.  Instead, you have to watch while your bullets miss and the enemies leave you no room for second chances.  That’s what frustrates me about Terranon Worlds.  The formula wasn’t worked with enough to make it palatable.  Also known as Pepsi Next Syndrome.

xboxboxart2Terranon Worlds was developed by Snargosoft (80 Microsoft Points think whatever chances that Asteroids movie had of being made were probably sunk by Battleship in the making of this review).

Indiemon: Earth Nation

I have an idea for a children’s game.  In it, you’ll play as a pre-pubescent lad who will wander the world making animals fight for sport and for fame.  You’ll start with one enslaved creature (possibly an adorable mouse-lightning bolt thing, something that just oozes cuteness) and then randomly fight other adorable creatures along the countryside.  During a fight, right at the moment before your huggable little animal buddy delivers a merciless death-blow to the creature it just beat into a pulp, you’ll capture the creature in a cage way too small for it to possibly live comfortably in.  You’ll then force it to fight creatures that you wish to enslave, with your ultimate aim being to capture one of every creature like some deranged, asexual Noah.

And I’ve just been handed a cease and desist order, as apparently someone else already had this idea and has made billions off it.  Huh.  You know, I thought I paid a lot of attention to gaming.  I’m not sure how that one slipped me by.

Actually, more than one person had this idea.  Sort of.  A wild XBLIG just appeared before me called Indiemon: Earth Nation.  Quick thought: if you remove the word “Indiemon” from that name, would it not sound like a reality show you would expect to see on Discovery Channel?  No?  Just me?  Okay, never mind.

Thank God they used up one of their four marketplace pics for a splash of the game.  By the way, unless it looks different in an encounter, I don't remember ever fighting the monster shown here.  Unless it was one of the final two boss monsters the last guy you fight pulled out, both of which I killed in a single hit after about two seconds.

Thank God they used up one of their four marketplace pics for a splash of the game. By the way, unless it looks different in an encounter, I don’t remember ever fighting the monster shown here. Unless it was one of the final two boss monsters the last guy you fight pulled out, both of which I killed in a single hit after about two seconds.

So Indiemon is just like my hypothetical game would have been, except you’re a dude dressed like a knight instead of a baseball cap and parachute pants wearing child.  Well, that just saps the whimsy right out of the concept, does it not?  I mean, why does a knight need to make animals fight his battles for him?  Wouldn’t he have, like, something pointy and deadly?  A sword perhaps?  A spear?  No?  So this guy in his fancy armor and  sequined cape is making animals fight his battles for him?

What an asshole.

Well, being a friend to animals (I make a point of eating under six a day), I decided I wouldn’t be a jerk about it.  Instead, I would only keep one Indiemon, a fuzzy cute little rabbit thing called Bunnidusk in the game and “Peter Cottonmurder” by me.  When I engaged in battles with Peter, I decided to forgo any unnecessary violence against those innocent creatures that I so cowardly refused to fight myself.  So, instead of going through all the fancy attacks that Peter had acquired through the leveling up process (which happens roughly every three to four minutes), I would just spend every battle selecting attack from the menu, then selecting the most basic attack I had available.  Of course, such a brazenly lazy tactic would lead to failure in my hypothetical cockfighting game for children, where battles would be based around a rock-scissors-paper style strategy, probably something incorporating elements or living environments.  But, in Indiemon, it worked.  I never once had to use any attack except the weakest one I had open to me.  I never had to capture a creature.  I never came close to dying.  I never once had to use any item to save a fight.  Eventually, Peter Cottonmurder evolved (totally stolen from my hypothetical cockfighting game for children concept) into a giant, muscular, humanoid rabbit thing, sort of like Bucky O’Hare’s roided up cousin, Stucky O’HGHare.  Tougher, stronger, and probably now possessing erectile dysfunction.

That's him on the left.  Who's a cute little blood thirsty slayer of God's creatures?

That’s him on the left. Who’s a cute little blood thirsty slayer of God’s creatures?

Not that it changed the game much.  I could still breeze past any encounter just by mashing the A button until the battle ended with me standing over the bloody, comatose body of some helpless animal.  I was amused that the game took time to note that any animal you beat-up is not dead, but rather “unconscious.”  Well, that’s a moralistic weight off my shoulder, I can tell you that.  Otherwise, you just walk from town-to-town, then go through a cave, and then meet an old dude at a dock, then the game ends, presumably to be continued at some point in the future.  Yep, there’s not even a proper ending here.  It just ends.

And thank God for that.  I sound like a broken record this week, but Indiemon is so awful that I am almost at a loss for words.  Thankfully, I have a thesaurus, and shall now list every synonym for awful: abominable, alarming, appalling, atrocious, deplorable, depressing, dire, disgusting, distressing, dreadful, fearful, frightful, ghastly, grody, gross, gruesome, grungy, harrowing, hideous, horrendous, horrible, horrific, horrifying, nasty, offensive, raunchy, repulsive, shocking, stinking, synthetic, tough, ugly, unpleasant, and unsightly.  Well, besides raunchy or synthetic, I think all of those work.

Really, the biggest sin of Indiemon is just how fucking dull it is.  There’s no original ideas on display here, which gives the game a boredom handicap right out of the starting gate.  But once some of the technical flaws of the game begin, it really starts to fall apart.  While going through the cave at the end of the game, it took me about five to ten minutes to find the dude who I needed to launch me on a ship in what turned out to be the “wait, that’s it?” ending sequence.  Once I got him, I think something in the game must have crapped out, because I got stuck in the cave for over an hour dealing with non-stop “random encounters.”  For a while, every single step I took led to a battle.  It took me over an hour to make my way to the exit of the cave.  Considering that this was the end of the game, I figured this was done intentionally to be the big finale gauntlet.  However, I talked to another player of Indiemon who experienced no-such diarrhea of the random encounter.  Huh.  You ever get the feeling a game was intentionally trolling you?  Happens to me all the time.

No, I don't know why the pictures are cropped this way.

No, I don’t know why the pictures are cropped this way.

So Indiemon is boring and unoriginal and technically problematic.  That’s not even mentioning how loose and busted the movement controls are.  Whatever you do, don’t use the analog stick to walk.  You’ll zig-zag around like a drunken knight who makes animals fight his battles for him like a total pussy.  Character design is, well, I suppose no more lazy or absurd than your average new Pokemon is these days.  But, I can’t even recommend Indiemon as the cheap dollar store knock-off that I suppose it has positioned itself to be.  It’s just too bland.  It actually manages to completely miss the point of what made Pokemon work.  Remove all strategy from that series, make the artwork more crude and amateurish, and take away the childlike sense of wonder, and you would have a game ill-suited towards teaching kids the kind of skills needed to be the starting quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles.

xboxboxartIndiemon: Earth Nation was developed by RicolaVG

80 Microsoft Points think a Pokemon parody, similar to Doom & Destiny or Cthulhu Saves the World, could work as an XBLIG in the making of this review.