Lemmy Lizard vs The Mecha-Eggs

How soon a rage-quit is too soon?  I’m honestly not sure.  Since I’m not a professional game critic, nor do I care to be one, I’m not sure there really are any rules or ethics that apply to me regarding this issue.  But just to be on the safe side, I’m going to walk you through the 45 minutes I spent with Lemmy Lizard vs The Mecha-Eggs and let YOU tell ME if I gave up too soon.

Upon starting the first level, I pick up a note.  The note informs me that I’ll want to eat various food things over the course of a level, but I probably shouldn’t because they take up spaces in your inventory.  You can fit eight items in it at a time.  All notes you find take up a space in that inventory and you have to manually discard them.  It’s about the most inconvenient method of sign-posting game mechanics I’ve ever seen.  As if that wasn’t ominous enough, it took me all of a single second to figure out that the control scheme was going to be wretched.  Without any D-Pad mapping, you’re stuck with just the analog stick.  Applying even the tiniest bit of pressure to it sends your lizard thingie off like it just got whacked in the ass by the Motivator from Wipeout.  We’re not off to a good start.

Nope, I didn't make it this far.

The first enemy encounter was fun.  A couple mecha-egg thingies marched up on me.  Thankfully, I could shoot at them, so I did.  And they kept coming.  So I kept shooting.  But then they were on top of me, munching my health away.  I kept shooting.  And shooting.  And shooting.  After around a dozen shots, one of them died off.  Only a dozen more and the other one died.  Nice, so the opening level enemies are bullet sponges.  Later, I encountered one that could shoot back at me.  Only it moved twice as fast as me, shot twice as fast, and did damage twice as fast.  So I died a couple of times against it, which resulted in me getting to start the game again.  Even though I had saved.  Nifty.

Well, I’m a tough chick.  I drink molten lead and spit nails.  I can deal with this shit.  I had picked up some items that would cause my dude to spit sticky stuff at the enemies, slowing them down.  I threw a couple of those on and I actually managed to kill the dude with the gun.  This was immediately followed by another dude with a gun falling from the sky to take his place and finish me off.  Only this one had wheels and a faster gun, so I died extra fast.  Maybe the game’s policy is “die in 30 seconds or less or your pizza is free.”

Not being a masochist, I wasn’t prepared to deal with getting gang-banged this early into things.  So I did what any self-respecting gamer would do: legged it past the baddies.  And it worked.  I got past those guys and instead came upon a fire pit.  Situated above the pit were a few single-block platforms for me to hop across.  Unfortunately, controls are extremely slippery, so I kept falling into the fire, dying, and being sent back to the checkpoint.  So I used a carrot on myself, increasing my ability to jump.  I managed to clear the fire and pick up a key.  I don’t remember seeing a door or anything that was locked, but that didn’t matter.  I had to get past the fire again.  Only this time, I simply could not stick the landing on any of the platforms.  Or, if I did, I would die as soon as I pushed any button, because even just pressing jump caused my dude to skid off the block and into the fire.  After a dozen or so tries to make it past this, I quit.

If it seems like I'm being too harsh on this game, I'll remind you that the developers sent me a request for this review. Then again, I'm not sure they actually have ever read my site, given that they sent me a review code with the request. I pity the fool the actually ends up cashing that in, because their day is pretty much ruined when that happens.

Was it too soon?  I had played Lemmy Lizard vs The Mecha-Eggs for maybe 45 minutes at most.  In that time, I encountered inexcusably horrible play control, amazingly bad level design, horrible graphics, and the feeling that my leg would be much nicer if I carved a large chunk of flesh out of it.  I can’t really recommend you actually purchase Lemmy Lizard.  In all seriousness, it’s one of the very worst video games I’ve ever played in my entire life and I hate myself for paying $1 to find that out.  But try it yourself and tell me if I’m nuts.  Maybe you’ll make it further than I did and discover that the game magically stops being terrible at the exact moment I quit.  Or maybe you’ll take a chainsaw to your own foot.

I’m not responsible if that happens.

Lemmy Lizard vs The Mecha-Eggs was developed by Wytchlight

80 Microsoft Points said “That Light” sarcastically in the making of this review.

I’m giving away 1600 Microsoft Points as part of a new feature called “Kairi Katch-Up Thursdays” and you buttholes aren’t participating enough.  1600 MSP!  That’s 16 XBLIGs!  Read how you can win it.


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