Retro Arcade Adventure

Yesterday, I played a game that drove me from apathy to suicidal thoughts in approximately fifteen minutes.  Yes, I actually spent forty-five minutes with Lemmy Lizard.  The remaining thirty minutes were spent under the assumption that I would suffer a cerebral hemorrhage if I continued playing.  Forgive me.  I had forgotten that I was playing a video game and not listening to the poetry of Grunthos the Flatulent.

But today is a new day.  Albeit one spent with a slightly sore neck after my botched attempt at hanging myself yesterday.  Note to anyone reading this: pantyhose do not make an effective noose.  So back I go into the murky waters of Xbox Live Indie Games.  I had promised to make this a special Minecraft clone week, but then I remembered that we’re already in the middle of the fucking week, so I bought Retro Arcade Adventure instead.

A decidedly Anglo-Saxon looking dude fighting off a tribe of dark-skinned humanoids brandishing spears. Hey, if it's good for Capcom, who am I to say anything?

Retro Arcade Adventure is a single-screen hoard-slayer where you play as a dude with a sword who has to kill various evil thingies.  All the baddies except the final boss take a single swing to kill and have no variations outside of size and speed.  They’re all pretty much like the guys who run at you with the clubs in Smash TV.  To fight, you swing with the A button, dash with the triggers (I never even knew this existed until after I had beaten the Adventure mode), and use a power-up with the X button that turns you into a gigantic black dude with a giant sword.  Someone’s over compensating for something.

Every stage features you taking on 200 or more of these pantywaists.  After four levels of fighting the same fucking guys, you fight a boss, beat it, and the game is over.  Fifteen minutes tops and you’re done.  So what did I think?  Well, Retro Arcade Adventure is as shallow as the wring-off of a moist towelette, easier than winning the skip-rope competition at the National Amputation Foundation’s annual picnic, and over with faster than a Roseanne Barr hunger strike.  Yet, it’s not the worst thing I’ve played all week.  Then again, compared to Lemmy Lizard, Retro Arcade Adventure would have to come to life and decapitate my boyfriend just to contend for that honor.  It did try to pad things out by adding an “arcade” mode, which is really just the same game, only the power-ups might also cause damage to you as well.  Oh, and one of the modes has you fight an endless string of mummies.  There is no score and, as best as I could tell, no end to it.  I wasn’t sure if the developer forgot to include a finale to it or if I really did have a cerebral hemorrhage during Lemmy Lizard and had been sent to video game hell.

Retro Arcade Adventure was developed by SIACTRO

80 Microsoft Points wondered out-loud why pumpkins would be killed by getting rained on in the making of this review.  Seriously, why would they?  Wouldn’t a pumpkin actually feed on rain and grow stronger from it?  I suppose in theory it could be acid rain, but if that’s the case, why wouldn’t it hurt me too?  I wasn’t aware that water, acidic or otherwise, could distinguish between good and evil.  What, did my knight guy wear his special acid-rain repellent armor out in battle on the off-chance that he picked a power-up that would unleash acid rain upon his enemies?  Given all the absolutely useless story text in this game, I find a plot hole of this size to be inexcusable and I demand an answer.

I’m giving away 1600 Microsoft Points as part of a new feature called “Kairi Katch-Up Thursdays” and you buttholes aren’t participating enough.  1600 MSP!  That’s 16 XBLIGs!  Read how you can win it.

%d bloggers like this: