Namco Museum Archives Volume 1: The Definitive Review – Complete 11 Game Review + Ranking

Back in 2020, Namco put out a pair of eleven-game editions of their endless Museum franchise under the name Namco Museum Archives. What made these different was that they included only NES games. I really thought I’d fly through this review. Play each game for an hour or so, and then move onto Volume 2. 101.8 hours later and I’m done. Okay, in fairness, not all of that was THIS play session. Some of that was from when the collections were released in 2020, and my father also ended up playing some Tower of Druaga on his own. For me personally it was like 90 hours all-in between my original 2020 session and this session.

And I’m not even 100% sure where all the time went. Unlike some of my more complicated Definitive Reviews of collections, I don’t have a lot of extra features to discuss. The presentation is weak sauce. If not for the fact that they went out of their way to produce and include a completely original game in each of the two volumes, I’d call these the most lazy collections Namco has ever stamped their name on.

The instructions for Dragon Buster in their entirety. Now that’s GOD TIER levels of lazy.

Save states and rewind are here. I didn’t use them for the arcade type games like Pac-Man where you’re chasing high scores. Sorta defeats the point, you know? Besides, the way rewind is done is horrible. A prompt pauses the game to confirm you want to rewind. As far as I can tell, there’s no way to disable the prompt. The amount of time isn’t even consistently X amount of seconds. Instead, your gameplay is secretly divided into intervals, and instead of rewinding backwards three seconds, it’ll rewind you back to the last invisible marked three second interval. For games like Splatterhouse: Wanpaku Graffiti, that might mean rewinding directly into an enemy who damages you, meaning you can’t just go back 3 seconds but rather 6, or even longer to find a clean “spot.” Why not just let players hold a button down?

What’s really, REALLY strange is Namco & M2 went above and beyond with one specific extra feature in each set: a brand spanking new NES game that demakes an established classic. Volume 1 got Pac-Man Championship Edition. Volume 2 gets Gaplus, aka the sequel to Galaga that never came home (except for the Commodore 64 of all things). Both are excellent NES ROMs I’m happy to have, but I’d of chosen to have a better presentation and more emulation flexibility/options any day.

Normally, I’d just award such a crappy design $0, but the fact that they DID include the features, only they did a half-assed, terrible job pisses me off to no end. I’m fining Namco Museum Archives Vol 1 & 2 $5 in Value each for the shamefully annoying rewind system and overall lazy design because I know M2 is capable of a lot better than this. There’s also no button remapping. There’s no quick save-reload. It’s a bare-bones collection. Oh, it’s only $20? Cool. Yea, so are many other classic collections. Don’t be lazy. Have a little pride in your work. And then you get to the presentation. Bland menus. No instruction books, and the absolute laziest instruction screens I’ve seen in one of these collections yet. Compare what we got in America to what Japan got in the same premise: Namcot Collection. It looks like this:

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I’m also fining an additional $5 in value to both Archives collections for lazy presentation and lack of extras. Another instance of “normally it would be just no value awarded” and I’d leave it at that. But, since Japan’s collection was different and had a more fun presentation, I can’t ignore it here. There’s no box art. There’s no instruction manuals. There’s NOTHING! I mean, come on guys, this is pathetically lazy. Namco and M2 have been doing retro collections forever, and they are so much better than this.

THE EVERCADE FACTOR IS IN PLAY

Evercade has a pair of Namco sets that, while out of print, I happen to own. This time around, I primarily played the Namco Museum Archives version, but I did at least fool around for a few minutes with each version on Evercade as well. Since these are out of print, the prices might fluctuate. The same value applies: $5 per YES! If the total value adds up to the listed price of the set, I recommend it! If not, I don’t! Easy peasy! Not all games in each Evercade cart will be covered, but this review might help you decide. No Evercade game requires a special citation, as they’re the same games, people. It’s NES versions of old games. This will be a cinch!

THE ULTIMATE VERDICT ON THE COLLECTION

For those not familiar with my way of thinking of how retro games should be reviewed, I take NO historical context into account. I don’t care how important a game was to the industry, because that doesn’t make a game worth playing today. The test of time is the cruelest test of all, but every video game must face it. I might not be here if not for Pong’s success, but I wouldn’t want to play it today. Not when there’s better options. Therefore, when I review retro games, every game gets either a YES! or a NO!

YES! means the game is still fun and has actual gameplay value when played today and is worth seeking out.

NO! means the game didn’t age gracefully and is not worth seeking out, and certainly not worth spending money on.

Better luck with Volume 2, chaps.

Starting with this Definitive Review, I will no longer award collections my Seal of Approval. Instead, I’ll only use the value I place on them, and if the value equals the game’s MSRP, I recommend it always. If not, I recommend it if you can buy the game for close enough to the total value I assign. For Namco Museum Archives Volume 1’s set of eleven NES games, I think a fair value for a quality NES game is $5. Namco Museum Archives has an MSRP $19.99. Therefore, $20 in value would mean I always recommend it, with no asterisks. However, the final tally is as follows:

YES!: 6 games totaling $30 in value.
NO! 5 games.
Fines: $15 in Value
Price: $19.99

FINAL VALUE: $15

Namco Museum Archives is NOT recommended at the normal MSRP. However, if you can get it at 25% discount, I feel it’s worth it. If you’re not as big as I am on the emulation features working good, then don’t even wait for a sale. You’ll get $20 worth of fun out of this.

FINAL RANKINGS

How I determined the rankings is simple: I took the full list of games, then I said “I’m forced to play one game. Pick the one I could play the most and not get bored with.” That goes on top of the list. Then I repeat the question again with the remaining games over and over until the list is complete. Based on that simple criteria, here are the final rankings. Games above the Terminator Line received a YES! Games below it received a NO!

  1. Splatterhouse: Wanpaku Graffiti
  2. Pac-Man Championship Edition
  3. Mappy
  4. Dig Dug
  5. Pac-Man
  6. Dragon Spirit: The New Legend
    **TERMINATOR LINE**
  7. Xevious
  8. Sky Kid
  9. Tower of Druaga
  10. Galaxian
  11. Dragon Buster

GAME REVIEWS

SPECIAL NOTE: For each game that’s a port of an arcade title, which most of these games are, I included a slideshow comparing the Famicom/NES port to the arcade original. The arcade games are NOT included in Namco Museum Archives Vol 1 or Vol 2.

Galaxian
First Released September 7, 1984
Famicom Exclusive
Directed by Haruhisa Udagawa

Evercade: Namco Collection Vol 1

Space Invaders….. IN SPACE!!

I’ve ranted and raved about my disdain for Galaxian for a while. I’m sure that, in 1979 (Japan) and 1980 (USA) this was mind blowing. Space Invaders.. IN COLOR.. and what’s this? Enemies dive at you in attack formations? And don’t forget the subdued but spot-on sound design, an underrated contributor to why Galaxian rose above the crowded pack of those riding the Space Invaders wake, in my opinion. I assume it was gobsmacking. BUT, I can only assume. I wouldn’t be born for another ten years, and my hardcore game playing days didn’t kick-of until a full nineteen years after Galaxian’s release. By then, Namco’s other gallery shooter, Galaga, essentially the same game as Galaxian, only.. you know.. better, was seventeen years old. And I don’t like it, either.

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It’s not that I can’t love a really old gallery shooter. I’m very fond of Namco’s other other shooter, King & Balloon. Oh, and Sega’s Carnival. Top notch game. I’m so sick of Galaxian acting as +1 in these sets. If you’re going to be comprehensive? Fine. If not, pick another game, Namco. It’s even worse in the Archives series. First off, the port is TERRIBLE! It’s so much noticeably slower and more sluggish than the arcade version. If that lent tension to the game, I’d be all for it, but it takes away from the excitement. Also, the sound effects are weak as hell. There’s really no reason to include this as anything but a bonus. Yet, it’s here, and not as a +1. Namco was insistent that each volume have exactly 11 games. So this time, Galaxian actually took the spot of another game. Okay, so be it!
Verdict: NO! and I’m issuing a $5 fine in Value against Namco Museum Archives Vol 1. The fine SHOULD be $80 since Japan got SIXTEEN games we didn’t get in the US (or $55, since the US got five exclusive games Japan didn’t get). It really pisses me off that they put Galaxian in this thing. Evercade is exempt from the fine because they don’t limit themselves to a specific number of titles. However, they are owed exactly one swift kick in the ass which I am unable to issue myself as I’m just not flexible or tall enough to carry out the sentence, so that sentence will be suspended until further notice.

One game into a set of eleven games and Namco Museum Archives Volume 1 has lost $15 in value.

Pac-Man
First Released November 2, 1984
Directed by Hiroki Aoyagi

Evercade: Namco Collection Vol 1

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I think this port has to be neck-and-neck with Super Mario Bros. for “the game that got re-released the most times to the Famicom/NES.” Five times. The original Famicom cart, then a Famicom Disk System release, a licensed Tengen release, an unlicensed Tengen release, and one final cash grab Namco release in the US as late as 1993. How’s that for trivia? Pac-Man was both among the first Famicom releases and one of the last NES releases. Besides the bonus fruit looking noticeably low-detailed, this seems like an accurate 240 dot representation of Pac-Man, right? But, it only passes the eye-test if you don’t understand how the ghosts work. Each of the ghosts has their own personality and attack style, but all four always operate under two main principles: SCATTER (so the ghosts spread out and don’t cluster-up at all times) and CHASE (where their attack patterns kick-in and they pursue you). It’s like a game of Red Light – Green Light, and when the green light comes on and SCATTER becomes CHASE, it affects all the ghosts. You can even see the moment it happens, and exclusively on the NES, it happens differently.

In the arcades, the ghosts will pick a different direction when the parameters change-over. BUT, on the NES, they will always reverse directions. If they’re going up, they’ll go down. Left? Right. Coke? Pepsi. You get the idea. This actually has significant gameplay ramifications. In theory, the ghosts swam you much more efficiently on the NES. In practice, this really didn’t affect me until the later stages, and.. actually I think I had an easier time reaching my normal 50,000 point benchmark before crapping the bed. Then again, I’ve been playing so much Pac-Man these days that we can’t rule out that I’m just getting good at it. Anyway, this is a basic, bare bones game of Pac-Man. I have a motto for games I’ve previously disliked that I have to replay for these projects. “Find the fun.” I’ve never really enjoyed the original Pac-Man. My attitude has always been “why play this when Ms. Pac-Man offers the exact same gameplay, only more challenging and more variety?”

My best not cheating game. Baby steps.

While I still stand by that, I now admit there’s an odd amount of satisfaction to be found. Satisfaction in mastering the one single Pac-Man maze and knowing where I’m at my most safe and most vulnerable. Satisfaction from mastering the four ghosts through repetition and finding that their once complex patterns started to reveal their hidden simpleness that I see clearly now. And, ultimately, satisfaction in seeing my average score slowly but surely start to rise. As my wise-beyond-her-years sister tactfully reminded me, it’s not that different from pinball, where machines are limited to one game, forever. Yet, I’ve dedicated a massive amount of my free time towards mastering many tables. How is it different? She’s right. It’s not. Speaking of Angela, I did manage to further “find the fun” to some degree from dueling with her at Pac-Man. Yea, turns out, she’s a Pac-Man natural and she smoked me a few games. But I still won the most. I’m awesome. Am I going YES!? I wasn’t going to, until she pointed out I made a rule for myself: more fun than not has to be a YES!, regardless of why. So, yea, welcome to the YES! pile, Pac.
Verdict: YES!
$5 in value added to Namco Museum Archives Volume 1 and EVERCADE‘s Namco Collection 1

Xevious
First Released November 8, 1984
Directed by Kazuo Kurosu

Evercade: Namco Collection Vol 1
Included with Nintendo Switch Online Basic Subscription

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I can totally understand how Xevious touched off a massive rush to arcades in Japan in the early 80s. While it wasn’t exactly the first of its breed (among others, Konami’s Scramble beat it to arcades by a full year), I think Xevious was probably the best of those early shmups. It was also doomed to age very badly. I’ve encountered it a few times in these retro runs of mine, and just the thought of having to play it again sends a shiver down my spine. One gun, one bomb, and the same boring terrain over and over. Then I played the NES version, with its much lower resolution graphics, and I longed for the grim specter of death. Among other things, it looks like NES Xevious takes place above Rally X’s track. I love Rally X. I wanted to land the ship and drive on the road. But, you can’t do that. I checked and everything.

A game accomplishing a series of firsts is impressive. It doesn’t mean I’d want to play those in 2023 as anything but historic curios. Here’s the famous “first boss” and folks, it ain’t all that.

Namcot’s port to the NES does actually have one fairly major benefit: I felt the collision boxes with the bombs were much more generous than in arcades. In the coin-op, I’d be frustrated with shots that sure looked like they were directly on the targets on the ground, only for them to whiff. That happened a lot less on the NES build. It just seemed like an easier experience. The problem is that I’d simply never, ever, EVER want to play Xevious today over any number of options. It’s also not in the same boat as Pac-Man in that regard. Pac-Man’s maze is.. well.. Pac-Man. The Maze Chase hasn’t been systematically improved by major leaps and bounds in the over four decades that followed. Shmups? They’re leaps and bounds above where they used to be. I salute Xevious for its part in making the shmup genre amazing, but, I’d also rather play almost anything else, including the Super Xevious sequel that we’ll be seeing in Volume 2.
Verdict: NO!

Mappy
First Released November 14, 1984
Famicom Exclusive
Directed by Nobuyuki Ōnogi

Evercade: Namco Collection Vol 1

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There are several Golden Age of Arcade “franchises” that got left in the dust that I’d love to see be revived and thrive in today’s climate. Mappy is somewhere near the top. I loves me some Mappy. The NES version is not remotely a direct port. Like most home versions of the game from this era, it’s missing an entire floor. The arcade game has six floors of action. The NES only has five. Oddly, I find the change doesn’t matter all that much. You’d think it would make the gameplay more difficult, since it’s one less channel for your pursuers to be on. But, actually, I didn’t feel it added or subtracted to the sense of tension or excitement at all. It’s a complete non-factor, and I didn’t expect that.

I know this is a weird thing to complain about, but, I personally think the weak links in Mappy are the bonus stages. I wish the game had fewer of them. They happen after the second level, then after every three levels from there out. “You’re seriously bitching about BONUS levels, Cathy?” Yep. They last too long and they’re not exciting at all. They’re a constant interruption of the game itself, and I hate them. They play terribly, too. Like, I’m touching this balloon here. That should be a capture, but it’s not. I hate these stages. Come on, Mappy! You’re a cop! Arrest someone. Murder of Fun in the First Degree!

What matters a lot more is the sense of speed of the game. Mappy on the NES feels like it plays a lot faster. I wasn’t sure if it was just me, so I tried an experiment. Neither my father, nor Angela, are familiar with Mappy. I had them play both the arcade game and the NES version in the collection. To eliminate the potential of implanting a bias in their head, when it came time for them to play NES port, I said “is it just me, or is this slower than the arcade version?” Both Dad and Angela said something along the lines of “actually, I think it’s a little bit faster!” So, it’s not just me. Oh, and it’s neither faster or slower, by the way. Rather, it seems to be the result of a quirk of perspective. Like most Namco coin-ops, Mappy utilizes a vertical monitor. With the NES presentation stretched to fill the 4:3 aspect ratio, it makes the movement feel a lot faster despite the fact that you’re covering the same amount of territory you would in the arcade. However, perception is reality, and the feeling of faster movement certainly made an already thrilling game much more exciting.

I think the Bell should have been a kill on the enemies, like the shock waves from the red-doors. Since enemies respawn anyway, it would add to the strategy AND add to the tension. Mappy works because you have to learn to not charge down one of the hallways when you don’t know the location of the enemies. Well, with the bell, you do know where they are. And it takes away from the fun.

While I give the edge to Popeye as the best maze chase done from a side perspective, I hold Mappy in very high esteem. It’s probably a very close second to that sailor guy. It checks off all the boxes of a great maze chase. A never-ending sense of tension, nail-biting close calls, and turning the tables on the chasers is so satisfying. In fact, Mappy probably is the best of its entire breed at that final part, because the means to fight back require such a degree of risk. You have to wait for the enemies to get near you to use the doors against them, and the twitchy moment where you smack ’em is always delightful. You know what I’ve come to learn about this series? It would make a great horror game. I’m serious! Think about it: the main thing you need to learn is not to charge down a hallway just because it looks like the coast is clear. If it was a guy in a hockey mask who suddenly popped onto the screen instead of mischievous cats, you’d crap yourself. I’m telling you, Namco, you’re leaving money on the table.
Verdict: YES!
$5 in value added to Namco Museum Archives Volume 1 and EVERCADE‘s Namco Collection 1

Dig Dug
First Released June 4, 1985
Famicom Exclusive
Director Unknown (Hiroki Aoyagi?)

Evercade: Namco Collection Vol 1

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As I learned in part two of Atari 50: The Games They Couldn’t Include, a little Dig Dug goes a long way. I enjoy it, but in small doses. This was probably my most enjoyable experience reviewing it yet. A big part of that is Dig Dug on the Famicom is a pretty good port of the arcade game. A few small annoyances stand out. It’s noticeably less colorful than its coin operated brethren. The Famicom translation looks really washed-out and a lot less cheerful. It’s brown and muddy in appearance, and if it wasn’t for the fact that it’s a game about tunneling through dirt, I’d probably take issue with that. The NES also has more flicker than previous ports I’ve reviewed in this set. I get it. It’s a complicated game, especially for its time. But, it does stand out.

Yep, this is pretty good. Timing feels accurate. Tension increases at the right pace. I’m curious why this never came out in the United States. Dig Dug II did, although it was Bandai who ported it over. It’ll be part of Volume II.

With the nit-picking out of the way, this is a pretty dang effort. Very close to the feel of the coin-op, and with most of the personality intact. All the sound effects are retained. The idiosyncrasies of the arcade version seemed to have been retained. If anything, I think the NES is a bit more generous with allowing the pump to pass through the little slivers of dirt that you haven’t finished tunneling through. I still think Dig Dug takes too long to find its teeth, but once it does, few action games from this era are as intense while retaining their satisfaction as the little sadistic pest exterminator. Also, why isn’t this called Dig Doug? It’s because his name is Taizo Hori, which means “digging enthusiast.” Yea, that’s what he’s into. He’s not a psychopath who loves to explode the guts of creatures all over the place. No sir.
Verdict: YES!
$5 in value added to Namco Museum Archives Volume 1 and EVERCADE‘s Namco Collection 1

The Tower of Druaga
First Released August 6, 1985
Famicom Exclusive
Directed by Koichi Yamamoto
Designed by Masanobu Endō

Evercade: Namco Collection Vol 2

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How’s this for ominous: the designer of Tower of Druaga has publicly stated his regret that he added so much abstract design with the items in the game and how to acquire them, which left players in a state of paranoia. Well, doesn’t that just sound delightful? This is probably the most polarizing of Namco’s Golden Age lineup. The people who like it? They really like it. Everybody else is just sort of bored by it, not actively hating it, but just not wanting anything to do with it. I’m in the “bored” camp. I find Tower of Druaga to be a miserable slog to get through. A game where the highlight for me was admiring how many better games this inspired. Especially the original Legend of Zelda. You can literally see it, especially in the enemy design. The Darknuts and Wizzrobes in Zelda are so close in their design to Tower of Druaga that I’m honestly shocked this wasn’t a thing Nintendo and Namco had to deal with. At the same time, given what Druaga aims for, it sure seems tailor made for the home consoles more than arcade. It was a major hit on the Famicom, but it never came out in America, nor did the arcade game. I couldn’t figure out why, and then I really dug in and played it. I don’t agree this aged badly. I’m guessing most players would have never found this to be fun.

It’s not just the enemy behavior. The models for the wizards and knights (can we call them Warriors? Then they’d be WIZARDS & WARRIORS!) look like Zelda, only this came out twenty months earlier.

Funny enough, while I find arbitrary abstractness-type of gameplay to be annoying (see my review of Vs. The Goonies), the primary reason I don’t like Tower of Druaga is the combat is shockingly, stunningly, unfathomably featherweight. This is structured just like a tanks-in-a-maze type of game, only you get a flimsy pointy stick instead of bullets. You have to draw your sword out, and then you just hold the button down and walk into enemies, who vanish when they die in the most unsatisfactory way imaginable. It lacks what I call “OOMPH!” That’s my term for violence in video games having the sensation of real weight and crunch. You get a sound effect, but they didn’t even animate the enemies shattering into pixels or anything. Even the arcade version does nothing, so it’s not like the OOMPH got lost in translation. My father, who actually really enjoyed this (the weirdo) said “come on, Cathy! You’re supposed to use your imagination!” Nuts to that! It’s an f’n video game! It’s supposed to do the imagining for me!

The game’s dragons aren’t visually intimidating. Like all enemies, no OOMPH. How combat works with the non-single-hit enemies is you sorta hold out your sword and.. uh.. walk back and forth, passing each other until one of you dies. Apparently you do have an invisible life bar, but otherwise, it’s like giving a lethal dose of the cold shoulder. I believe the technical term is performing a “Do Si Do” which makes Tower of Druaga the first game that does combat by square dancing.

With unsatisfying combat, the actual point of the game becomes a chore. The mazes are boring. They all look exactly the same in terms of backgrounds: a plain ass brick wall. The first two levels are like the mirror universe version of Super Mario 1’s levels, which brought the goods and dared players to keep coming. Druaga practically dares players to not fall asleep, as your character walks like he’s made an oopsie daisy in his pants and is trying to shimmy to the bathroom using a stride that keeps it from running down his legs. Thankfully, level 2’s treasure is a pair of boots that doubles your speed. Of course, you have to find it. The real hook to Druaga is that every level has a treasure chest that you can’t see at first . While the levels are randomized, including the locations of the door, key, and treasure chest, the means to get the chests and what the items are in them are the same every play through. That sounds reasonable, right?

Tower of Druaga is the annoying kid who takes it too far. Like having paper footballs flicked at your face, and the person doing it says BOOM! HEADSHOT! every time. *SNAP* *WHACK* “BOOM! HEADSHOT!” I know. I used to be the flicker. Now, I’m the flickee.

You have to activate them via some arbitrary event that isn’t stated. Killing X amount of enemies on one level. Swinging a sword before taking your first step on another level. Drawing the sword out while standing on the door. Clearing out one type of enemy without killing another. Standing an egg on its end during the winter equinox while standing on one foot and saying all the elements on the fourth row of the periodic table in reverse alphabetical order. Oh, and sometimes the items might be GOTCHA! type of booby traps with hurtful items, but you can’t actually know that until you get them. Call for a penis shaped U Haul because that’s a DICK MOVE! And then, if you miss the right items, you might end up having to wander through a maze in the dark, or LOSE YOUR SWORD and be unable to attack. Every time I wanted to sling my controller in rage, I’m reminded the creator admitted he took it too far and had some regrets regarding difficulty and how the items were handled. That’s curiously refreshing. You almost never hear that from a creator of a legendary game. Dude is classy.

See the little glove item? Yea, I was missing an item, so I got the wrong glove from a chest, and that lost me my sword, thus removing my ability to engage in combat. I can report that there’s no noticeable difference in OOMPH following this.

And yes, fans of Druaga, I do understand: the basic idea was players would take notes and share their experience and, through collective learning, gain the ability to defeat the game. In arcades, this would require players to ignore all the shiny, beautiful other titles around them while they invested their lives in a slogathon with some of the worst sword combat I’ve ever seen and some of the most GOTCHA! type design in the entire history of the medium. Items that blindly hurt you. Enemies that can blink into existence and fire projectiles at you before you can block their attack. I had rounds where I spawned, took a step to the side and immediately died because a wizard teleported there too. I was originally prepared to accept the “you had to be there” argument for Tower of Druaga, but.. actually, no. Seriously, this game is horrible. Respect and celebrate it from a big, big distance. I think most of the inspiration it gave was people saying “what if we made a game like Tower of Druaga only.. you know.. fun?!”

There’s a built-in second quest. On the title screen, press UP six times, LEFT four times, and RIGHT three times. If you do it right, the title screen will turn green. I didn’t like Druaga once. I can’t imagine wanting to play it with more difficulty a second time. The biggest difference is the methods used to unlock the items are changed from the arcade original. So hey, if you like completely arbitrary hidden items, you’re in for a treat!

I didn’t finish Tower of Druaga. Even with a guide, progress is too slow and the cheap deaths resulted in my rage quit thirty or so floors in. You know what? Masanobu Endō straight-up admits the difficulty was too high, so props to him for blazing a trail in the adventure genre. I literally cannot appreciate what this game meant to the generation before me. I wouldn’t be born for another five years after this released, and I grew up in the internet era of gaming. Instead of learning about these things by sharing them peer to peer, in arcades, I could just go to StrategyWiki. The excitement of discovery is gone, and I have no desire to “play this straight.” It’s just not fun to play in 2023, and while I was originally heart sick that I missed out on an era where the abstract design was part of sharing the experience with others.. honestly, I think I would have always hated Tower of Druaga. It has nothing I enjoy in gaming. It’s one of Namco’s very worst, folks. Thanks for all the inspiration for better games, though.
Verdict: NO!

Sky Kid
First Released August 22, 1986
Directed by Hiroki Aoyagi

Evercade: None

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Unlike Druaga, I did finish Sky Kid, and my hands hate me for it. I was literally screaming in both agony and rage by the end. It’s such a shame too, because it sure feels like the gameplay could be made into a great game with the right level design. While a lot of the combat is your basic, bare bones pew pew action, Sky Kid is a completely original take on the genre with big twists to shmup convention that, in theory, work well. First: getting shot by itself doesn’t kill you. You start to go into a tailspin, and if you mash the buttons fast enough, you can pull out of it and carry on like nothing happened. This didn’t help me all that much since I’m now physically incapable of mashing buttons quickly. Of course, if another bullet hits you as you’re spinning downward, or if you were too close to the ground to begin with, you’re going to crash anyway. Still, it’s different. Also different: every stage begins with having to physically take-off from the runway. Which is basically saying “hold UP when the level begins or you will immediately lose a life.” Then you have to land at the end of the stage, though “landing” requires no finesse. Just ram your plane in the designated area and you’re good. Hey, if it works Harrison Ford, right?

There’s a two player simultaneous co-op that’s misery to experience. Also, if one player dies, they don’t respawn immediately, like the best shmups. No, you have to wait for the other player to die or finish the stage to start playing again. Oh, and you can collide with each-other, which stuns one of you. It wasn’t any fun.

Another twist is you have a unique defensive maneuver: a speedy loop that allows you to quickly get behind enemies tailing you. Or just zip around the screen faster. Or hilariously crash into the scenery. It was usually that third one for me. It also comes with the added bonus of allowing you to fire in different directions. AND, when you’re physically performing the loop-de-loop, you can pass right through enemies and take no damage. It sounds great, and it works really well.. on the arcade version. At least for two specific angles. In fact, in arcades, I had the two angles I could consistently hit clocked so well that they became instinctive for me to use. That never happened on the NES, where the backflip happens too fast. It’s almost impossible to time shooting with it. It’s still really handy, and I was able to get the timing down for when it grants “invincibility” for lack of a better term, but the satisfaction is significantly muffled on the NES.

I was pretty proud of this screenshot of me flipping perfectly between two enemies. Unlike on my PC, where I spam the CAPTURE SCREEN button I mapped to my controller, on Xbox, I had to hit the guide button at the right moment, which pauses the action and then press Y to do a screencap. Xbox doesn’t allow you to make a clip and then take screenshots from the clip. So annoying.

Sky Kid’s final unique approach is that, as the stage progresses, you’ll encounter a bomb on the ground. You have to swoop down, grab the bomb, then drop it on a primary target. The further into the game you make it, the more often there’s bombs and big things to make go boom. This gameplay mechanic is, to put it mildly, f’n awesomeballs. I cannot stress enough how satisfying it is to deliver a payload perfectly in the center of the target (and it MUST be the center to level the whole structure). Easily one of the all-time great thrills in the shmup genre. Now, you don’t actually NEED to bomb the target, but if you’re chasing points, they’re worth the most points by far.

This is a mechanic I want to see Namco explore further in the 2020s. I’m picturing it with claymation-like graphics too. I really think there’s legs to this. That’s one thing about going through these old games.. some of them have ideas that have gone so underutilized in the decades that have followed that they can still feel fresh today. EVEN GAMES I HATE, like Sky Kid. Maybe I’m being a sentimental sap, but I actually take comfort from that. Gaming? Run out of ideas? My friends.. not every good idea in games have actually been used in good games.

However, there’s a couple of catches. When you’re carrying the bomb, you can’t do the defensive flip, which I had come to rely very heavily on. Enemies absolutely swarm you, and some of them just make a beeline for you to suicide-bomb. These baddies are especially hard to avoid even with the backflip. Without it? You’re f-ed in the a. Also, if you get shot.. even once.. you lose the bomb. I’d say this adds to the risk/reward gameplay, but Sky Kid goes to absurd lengths to stack the deck against you with the bomb. Well, it does that in general, actually. Yea, the problem with Sky Kid is that you really can’t out-maneuver bullets. I suppose you can’t in real life either, but hey, it’s a video game.

See all those flowers I’m flying through? Yea, those are explosions, and if you touch any of the landscape, you die as well. My biggest problem with Sky Kid is there’s no consistent pattern to when or which direction enemies will fire, so what killed you in one life might not be what kills you in the next. The trick is timing when to do a flip, as you’re immune to damage. But, if the enemies are firing out of sync, it doesn’t really matter, does it?

Sky Kid is a merciless bully of a game. Unlike my favorite NES shmups, stuff like Gradius or Life Force, the degree of randomness and blind luck makes Sky Kid kind of unclockable. Sometimes enemies shoot at you. Sometimes they don’t. I discovered this while rewinding. I’m sure there’s some kind of rhyme or reason to it if you devote a lifetime to figuring out Sky Kid’s idiosyncrasies, but it’s not really that fun to begin with. A big problem is they didn’t really build the level design around the best parts of the game: the bombing runs. In fact, the way enemies are placed doesn’t feel like any fine-tuning or optimization was done at all. You can’t linger near the back of the screen. There’s enemy planes who attack by crashing into you, and they seem to always appear at whatever height you’re at. You can keep doing the loop, but bullets will fly out of sync. Use the button mashing to save yourself in the tailspin? Good luck with that. They’ll keep shooting your plane on the way.

There’s tons of bonus points for doing a loop in the right spot, usually with some visual gag tied to them. Even this mechanic is annoying because it’s not always clear where you do it to trigger the bonus. I passed by this several times and got nothing, and when I *did* get it, it sure seemed like it was looping in almost the same spot it didn’t count before. I hate Sky Kid on the NES.

Sky Kid’s difficulty isn’t the only problem. The best part of the game: the bombing run? Sometimes the target is too far from the bomb. If enemies are behind you, your only defensive option is to manipulate them into flying into the scenery, which kills them. When the suicide fighters show up on screen, which they frequently do when you have the bomb, you’re probably going to lose the bomb. Sky Kid also has collision detection issues. Later in the game, you have to pass over volcanoes that spew projectiles onto the screen. The boxes for these don’t match the graphics, so what felt like a safe squeeze was still death. Plus, again, they fire randomly. It crosses the line several times over, and ultimately, Sky Kid just isn’t fun at all. When I first started playing it, I couldn’t understand why it wasn’t a more revered game. It has so many fun and novel ideas. The answer quickly revealed itself: it does everything it can to negate the fun stuff. It’s a cruel design just for the sake of it. For arcades, maybe that makes sense. Players can’t last too long if you want to make money. But you still have to be just fun enough for them to want to reload the quarters. It makes zero sense for a home game. I’d like to see Sky Kid make a comeback, but I hope it’s balanced when it does.
Verdict: NO!

Dragon Buster
First Released January 7, 1987
Famicom Exclusive
Directed by Haruhisa Udagawa Kumi Hanaoka

Evercade: None

The attack is flimsy as hell. The animation of the attack kind of reminds me of Kid Niki. Except, that game had OOMPH.

Nothing bad I can say about Dragon Buster can take away from its place in gaming history. For, it was Dragon Buster that introduced to the medium that most absurd, illogical, and downright fun of gaming ideas: the double jump. Yep, apparently this was the first game that said “logic be damned: let the hero jump a second time, midair, using literal nothingness to build that extra momentum!” For that, I would like to offer it a toast! 🍺 Thank you for creating one of my favorite tropes in gaming. Cheers! 🍻 And now that you’ve got alcohol in you, you’re in the proper condition required to actually enjoy Dragon Buster. To everybody else, HOLY CRAP Dragon Buster is a horrible game. At least on the Famicom, but, hey, I can’t really review the arcade version in this feature, you know.

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Another Famicom exclusive that is, at first, baffling as to why it never came out in America. You mean to tell me NOBODY saw value in a sword and sorcery platformer? It took me until, oh, about half way through the game’s second world to figure out the answer to that. I should have known before then just from the fact that, of all the achievements for Vol 1 on Xbox, the one for finishing Dragon Buster had the fewest people completing it, even less than Druaga or Sky Kid. Even with cheating, I couldn’t finish this. I couldn’t come close. Dragon Buster on the Famicom is hampered by four major issues. The first is the controls are terrible. That first-of-its-kind double jump is hard to execute consistently. Even as I was hours into my Dragon Buster play session, I’d still find myself meekly jumping up and down and wondering why the second the jump wouldn’t happen.

This is the second game in the collection where it feels like the creators of a better franchise took inspiration, meaning they said “do that, only less sucky.” In this case, the Wonder Boy franchise does what Dragon Buster does, only oodles better. The big fight with the dragon at the end of each world reminded me very much of The Dragon’s Trap. In fact, a ton of this game did.

The second issue is that the game is based around these “guardian” mini-boss encounters. Despite the fact that neither the levels nor the items in them are randomly generated, the guardians you face are decided at random. Hell, you can rewind and change which one appears. It won’t take long to get a “favorable” one since there’s only four in the entire game. Third: the combat is pathetic. It’s feathery and weightless, completely devoid of OOMPH, and highlighted by some of the worst collision detection I’ve dealt with. When you get hit, you become stun-locked and end up in a juggle. It reminded me of Wonder Boy: The Dragon’s Trap. Except, in that game, at least you “blink” so you aren’t taking damage while the poor bastard you’re controlling looks at the camera in screaming agony as he hops up and down, stun-locked by the collision boxes. In Dragon Buster, there’s no blinking, meaning it’s YOU screaming in agony as your health ticks away. There’s occasional health refills, but mostly you get offensive spells. To the game’s credit: the spells work. To its detriment: you get too many of them and not enough fun permanent upgrades.

I can’t imagine that ANYBODY had the patience to play Dragon Buster in the days before rewind. The act of jumping, or even just getting on and off vines, requires the patience of Job. While you don’t take falling damage, I found that, no matter how much I took my time lining up to hop off the vines and onto a platform, sometimes I’d just stop and fall the full length of the climb. Sometimes that’s several floors. I’ll concede that it was 1987 and they had no clue what they were doing. Of course, seven months after this came out, Yume Kōjō: Doki Doki Panic, the game that would be converted into Super Mario Bros. 2, released in Japan. You have to wonder if Dragon Buster’s creators saw that and were like “jeez.. I wish our vine acrobatics were this good.”

The fourth issue is, frankly, Dragon Buster is just no damn good. I’m not fining it, like I did Galaxian because at least it’s a game that rarely shows up in these collections. However, this is easily the worst game in Namco Museum Archives Volume 1. Of all the games in the collection that are based on coin-ops, this is the least faithful in terms of feel. It’s so bad, it feels like you’re playing a bootleg or knockoff. Even things like rewinding or save states don’t reduce the tedium as much as you’d think. Not when the game controls this badly. Not when it has combat this sloppy. Not when the entire premise is doomed to fail. Hey, thanks for inventing the double jump. Now double jump your ass off a cliff.
Verdict: NO!

Dragon Spirit: The New Legend
First Released April 14, 1989
Directed by Haro 7000 (?)

Evercade: Namco Collection Vol 2

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Technically, this isn’t a port of the arcade Dragon Spirit. No, this is supposed to be a sequel. But, really, “The New Legend” is certainly supposed to invoke the coin-op experience. To be honest, I liked the NES game better. Dragon Spirit is one cruel-ass game in arcades. It’s just more manageable on the NES. And, actually Dragon Spirit isn’t bad by any means. It was also bland enough that I got really mad that it wasn’t better. Everything is in place for an unforgettable shmup experience. I’ve never enjoyed the Xevious-like “shoot flying enemies, bomb ground-based enemies” type of design. While Dragon Spirit: The New Legend doesn’t change my mind, it’s probably done in the most tolerable way I’ve ever played here. Enemy placement of the ground-based enemies doesn’t seem specifically designed to trigger cheap gotcha deaths. So, hey, it seems like we’re off to a good start. Right?

The bosses are mostly fun to do battle with, but you’ll also walk away thinking “that could have been a lot better if they had a better presentation.”

Yet, it just never rises above barely okay. Part of that is the lack of immersion due to some of the worst sound design on the NES. It’s never fun to shoot a boss and have no squishy “hit noise” attached. It always takes me out of the game. Shame too, because there’s some decent boss fights here, but I’d take anything from Konami’s famous NES shmups over any of them. They’re just more fun to do battle with. Everything about Dragon Spirit on the NES feels unfinished. The graphics are ugly. The enemy design is unremarkable. Most of the levels and set pieces are boring. I really didn’t think this would be getting a YES! And yet, I’m giving it one. Dragon Spirit on the NES is the poster child for doing the bare minimum to get by.

They went back to this type of “don’t touch the walls” design in the stage after it, only I didn’t realize that was what it was doing. Dragon Spirit has visibility issues on the NES. However, in this stage? I was impressed.

When Dragon Spirit cooks, it really cooks. When I entered the stage in the above screenshot, I literally sat up in my chair. It was one of the better “don’t touch the walls” segments in an 8-bit shmup I’ve encountered. The problem is, of the nine levels, maybe three of them are that interesting. Maybe. This also handled a relatively large character sprite better than most shmups that try that. Because of the large character, I would have bet the farm that collision boxes would be an issue. But, actually, the collision seems spot-on, and I would have been farmless.

This is probably the weakest stage. Enemy projectile visibility is a big issue throughout Dragon Spirit. Now, I’ve heard people say that back in the days of CRT monitors, that wasn’t an issue. Well, what do you know? This offers CRT filters. So, I checked and yea, it was certainly still an issue. I don’t see how it helped at all, frankly.

Most of all, I really enjoyed how the multi-headed power-ups were handled. It would have been nice if Namco/M2 had.. you know.. included some kind of instructions on what each power-up does. Effort? Pssh. That’s for $40 collections. But, even this has a drawback. In later stages, I felt too many enemies dropped the skulls that downgrade your attack. And it happens right before the final boss. That’s a dick move extraordinaire, and I’ve never seen a shmup that pulls a stunt like that BEFORE THE LAST BOSS! Who is a.. uh.. flasher Dracula that sprays green urine at you.

What the f*ck?

Do you know what’s the oddest thing about Dragon Spirit on the NES for me? Usually, dull but acceptable games that straddle the middle of the pack are the toughest for me to review. In the case of Dragon Spirit, I didn’t really have to stare blankly at the keyboard trying to figure out what to say. The main problem is self-evidence: decent gameplay, horrible presentation. I know the NES has limits, but this feels like total amateur hour stuff. Except the bosses, who look great. Unlike some of the better shmups on the NES, Dragon Spirit feels like it’s treading water getting to those bosses. Shorter stages would have helped too, or just more environmental challenges. Did I have fun? Yes, but the fact that I even had to think about it should tell you this is very faint praise.
Verdict: YES!
$5 in value added to Namco Museum Archives Volume 1 and EVERCADE‘s Namco Collection 2

Splatterhouse: Wanpaku Graffiti
First Released July 31, 1989
Famicom Exclusive
Directed by Taiji Nagayama and Bishibashi Haro

Evercade: None BUT this could be a killer app for one.

This was among the first console games to satirize movies in set pieces and bosses. Though it’s really obvious why this never came to the United States. The imagery and religious symbols would not fly at all with Nintendo of America for over a decade.

I think Splatterhouse: Wanpaku Graffiti is the best game in the franchise, though granted, that’s not a high bar to climb. In my limited time with Splatterhouse games, I’ve found them to be all style and no substance. That’s before you get to the mediocre-at-best gameplay. They were shock value for the sake of shock value, back when guts and gore were a big deal in gaming. It’s not anymore, which is why those games can’t survive on their own merit. Wanpaku Graffiti doesn’t have to sweat that. No guts. No gore. Plenty of extreme visuals, sure, but with tongue firmly locked within its cheek. Actually, this looks and feels like a South Park game before South Park was even a thing.

The idea of taking one of THE original M-rated style blood ‘n guts franchises and running it through a Charlie Brown & Snoopy Show filter is just precious. I think it’s actually a shame THIS was the only time Namco did that, too. I really think they could have turned Wanpaku Graffiti into its own sub-franchise and seen a lot of success with it. Same with Konami and its Cute-ifed take on Castlevania: Kid Dracula. Both titles were somewhere between good and great, and neither saw the light of day after the original game (though Kid Dracula appeared on Game Boy as well). Eh, maybe they just didn’t sell? I would *LOVE* to see my friend Sam (aka FreakZone Games, of Angry Video Game Nerd fame) get his hands on either IP. Oh, the things that man could do with them.

I do think fans have overrated Wanpaku Graffiti a tad bit. Oh, I totally had a good time with this, but every time I felt the game was hitting its stride, some massive backwards step would happen and take the game back down the pegs it had climbed, leaving it just a little better than average. Take the combat. The cleaver you use as a weapon is slightly too limited in range. But hey, it’s very satisfying to use and I was thrilled something in this set finally had halfway decent OOMPH. You’ll also occasionally get a shotgun. The shotgun has a heavy recoil on it, so you get blown backwards a tad when you use it. It’s HUGELY satisfying to use the shotty. I wish it showed up more often, and maybe have the option to save the shotgun. Once you pick it up, you don’t switch back to the cleaver until you use up all ten bullets. If you pick up a second shotgun, you don’t go over ten bullets. Annoying, but that’s fine. The combat is fun!

Cleverly, they actually incorporated the recoil into the design. Sometimes you have the boom stick in areas with short platforms that you might fall off of. Or, take this short area in the game pictured here. The bridge crumbles under you, so using the shotgun is a risk because the bridge collapses as you recover from the recoil. I really like that extra layer of thoughtful challenge.

Well, except for the collision detection and the way “blinking” is handled. I wasn’t a fan of the collision boxes at all. Often, it felt like EVERY character had a box as big as the player character, regardless of how big their sprite was on screen. Environmental hazards also seemed to have boxes that were either too big, or your box becomes bigger when you jump. I’m not sure which it is, but I know that judging a safe distance from enemies or spikes is tough and sometimes even inconsistent. The blinking is also very brief and it’s not rare to have to take damage from one thing and immediately get tagged on the recoil by a second or even third thing. It just needed another half-second of blinking to solve this. SO frustrating. And, mind you, this is a game where your primary weapon barely extends from your body. Now, granted, the cleaver’s collision is accurate, but a lot of enemies and around half the bosses encourage you to jump and attack, and that is so much more problematic than it has to be. The perils of an abnormally shaped character on the NES, I suppose, but it always holds Wanpaku Graffiti back from true greatness.

Was “Jumping the Shark” a thing in 1989?

The other major problem with Wanpaku Graffiti is overly-conservative level design. There’s maybe one or two clever bits in the ENTIRE game, such as the shotgun on a bridge bit above.. and really it’s only clever on a situational basis. If you’ve used up all your bullets, then really, it’s just another collapsing bridge segment in a platformer, isn’t it? And that’s a trope about as common as a title screen. While the stages are dressed up to be fun and memorable shout-outs to popular horror movies and franchises, the stages themselves are just a step above bare-bones basic. Don’t get me wrong: it never gets boring, and there’s the occasional mini-bosses to break-up the monotony. Most of the bosses are fun to do battle with, too. Some go a bit overboard on the sponginess. The last boss took so many hits that I wondered if I was actually damaging it or if there was a step I was missing. Other bosses aren’t even bosses, but rather just waves of enemies you have to slay.

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For all its problems, Splatterhouse: Wanpaku Graffiti is easily the best game in Namco Museum Archives Volume 1 that wasn’t created specifically for the set. It isn’t MIND BLOWING or anything like that, but it’s a solid hour or two of fun. Stages don’t go too long. The enemy design is really well done (except little scream statues that were SO annoying when their souls come out and hit you almost immediately). While the big set pieces are let down by bland level design that keep this from being an all-timer, it’s also a solid B-game. You know what? Solid B-games have their place in gaming. Some fans said they bought the set for Wanpaku Graffiti alone. While I wouldn’t go THAT far, if Volume 1 costs $5, I could think of a lot worse things you could do with five bucks.
Verdict: YES!
WINNER: BEST GAME IN NAMCO MUSEUM ARCHIVES VOLUME 1

$5 in value added to Namco Museum Archives Volume 1.

Pac-Man Championship Edition
Released June 18, 2020
Developed by M2
Exclusive to Namco Museum Archives Vol 1

Evercade: ☝️

Hey you bitches! I’m high on Pac! Wanna de-make?

Pac-Man Championship Edition is an NES demake of the 2007 Xbox Live Killer App. Like so many people, I loved that game. Eventually, Championship Edition ended up on every platform and ultimately became a +1 for a handful of Pac-Man collections. It revitalized the franchise in a way that 3D platforming games could never have hoped to in a million years. Whether or not it was truly Pac-Man like was another thing. I thought of it as a twitchy action-game based around Pac-Man. This especially came true when DX arrived and the Ghost Train concept was built upon that I never liked that much. I think the peak of the concept was, frankly, the very first Championship Edition. I was very happy to learn that this is specifically a demake of that. No Ghost Trains. Just you, a maze, and a five minute timer. Oh, and it’s an NES game this time.

Some of the level design is beyond ridiculous. By time you reach this point, you’re going too fast to make the type of hairpin turns this requires. You CAN get the hang of it with practice, but these stages will chew you up and spit you out at first. And then your eyeballs have to walk home.

If you’re unfamiliar with the original game, the idea is you have five minutes to eat as many ghosts, items, and dots as humanly possible. The maze is divided into two halves, and when you eat all the dots on one half, one of the items appears on the other side of the screen. Eating the item alters the other half of the maze and reloads its dots, along with power pellets. If you time everything right, you can string together the power pellets and continuously eat ghosts for mega combos. Free-lives are plentiful, and really, it’s you versus the time limit, not the ghosts. After a certain point, you should have such a stockpile of lives that messing up and getting eaten only costs you valuable time. It’s more or less the same game as before, and that comes with all the inherent problems that were there in the original build. When the action gets fierce, the main thing that’ll kill you is not turning the corners fast enough. That, and the lack of online leaderboards, is my only complaint. What a cool idea for a retro collection!

Yep, all the features are here. Well, except the one you’d REALLY want: online leaderboards.

On its own, Pac-Man Championship Edition Demake is a great game. Of course, it had a hell of a template to go off of. You’ve probably played the original to death by now. I didn’t think a demake would feel fresh, but it does. As a nifty little bonus for a ten-game, budget-priced NES collection, it’s nice to have. Of course, if I had to choose, I’d rather they sold this separately and focused on Namco Archives having better menus, more extras, and especially better emulation-based tomfoolery. It’s almost a little annoying that they went the extra-extra-extra mile with two NES demakes, one per collection, both of which are really good when the rest of the collection is such a soulless, lazy cash-in. Originally, I was going to award Volume 1 bonus points for Pac-Man Championship Edition Demake. I want to encourage this type of thing. However, I changed my mind when I thought about it. It really is just a novelty, isn’t it? A nice thing to have, but hardly worth the price of admission alone, and slightly obnoxious in retrospect given that the whole set was cynically phoned-in.
Verdict: YES!
$5 in Value added to Namco Museum Archives Volume 1

Professor Pac-Man (Arcade Review)

Happy birthday Professor Pac-Man! Tomorrow, August 12, 2023, the game turns forty years old! I know I just said that about Jr. Pac-Man, but the two games came out on consecutive days in the summer of 1983. And wow, if you thought Jr. Pac-Man got a historically raw deal, it’s nothing compared to Professor Pac-Man. This was a massive arcade flop and such a disaster that, of the 400 units Bally Midway manufactured, over 300 were returned. It’s rumored that, when Namco started development of Pac-Land, Midway/Bally asked if they could make it compatible with the returned Professor Pac-Man cabinets, even though they had no joysticks and only two pairs of three buttons. With all those returned units, that means less than 100 units of Professor Pac-Man remain out there somewhere. It’s been forty years. You have to figure around.. what? About half of them broke and were junked, or repurposed without being returned? Forty years is a long time. Six years older than me. I bet half of the 100 survivors were destroyed. Ouch. It’s also the only arcade Pac-Man that never sniffed a home release, or at least the only one that doesn’t have a pinball-shaped tumor growing out of it. It didn’t even get ported to computers, and home computers loved educational games in the 80s. Professor Pac-Man has gone down as something of a joke, even to fans of Pac-Man. And I don’t get why.

“Wait.. Cathy.. did you say EDUCATIONAL GAME?”

Yea, this flashes on the screen when you get a correct answer. It’s quite the eyesore. THANKFULLY, the rest of the game has shockingly beautiful graphics for the era. Probably some 8 bit pixel artwork of the early-to-mid 80s. Yes, really!

I suppose in 1983 this would be labeled more of a “trivia game” which was much more common back in the day. There’s a Trivial Pursuit arcade game. There’s a Name That Tune arcade game with graphics modeled after the 1984 version of the famous game show. I tried them. They suck. Professor Pac-Man or Capcom’s Quiz & Dragons are probably the best arcade trivia games, and honestly, I prefer Professor Pac-Man. However, it’s not really trivia, either. Today, a game like this would be called a “brain training” game. While, yes, it’s set up as a multiple choice “quiz” experience, the questions are brain teasers, not general knowledge. Professor Pac-Man feels exactly like the type of game that would have been a massive, million-selling mega hit on the Nintendo DS in the mid-2000s. I can see you rolling your eyes. Well, I added up the sales for the top “educational” or “brain training” type of games on the DS, and they combined for over 60 million units. Now, look at these screenshots, and other shots in this review.

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Does Professor Pac-Man really seem that different compared to games like Nintendo’s Brain Age or especially Big Brain Academy? Because, the three games from those franchises sold for a combined forty million units by themselves, and that’s just on the Nintendo DS. When you see those numbers, and then experience the actual gameplay of Professor Pac-Man and not just hear about its scathing reputation, you can’t help but wonder if it was ahead of its time. In Professor Pac-Man, you’re given some kind of visual question with three possible answers. The faster you answer, the more points you get. Miss too many times and it’s game over.

The graphics are pretty well detailed for a 1983 game. Nice and colorful. Very underrated presentation does Professor Pac-Man have.

People crap all over Professor Pac-Man, and I don’t get it at all. I’m going to assume they just never played it. Because, not only are the questions genuinely fun to answer, but they offer a satisfying challenge as well. Plus, it’s not like this is some kind of no-frills, bare bones quiz. The graphics are bright, detailed enough for some complex questions, and the game is loaded with personality. Correct answers (and wrong ones as well) always include playful animations. I hate to keep going back to Big Brain Academy, but Professor Pac-Man and it feel like they share some DNA. Of course, this sold 400 units, 300 of which were returned. Big Brain Academy sold over ten million units combined. Six million units on DS, three-and-a-half million on Wii, and another two million for Switch. Proof positive that pioneers get slaughtered while the settlers prosper.

Like Big Brain Academy, this also works pretty dang well as a multiplayer game. Well, as long as one of you doesn’t game over too quickly. Oh, and add the numbers 304 to the start for peak immaturity. You’re welcome.

The word “underrated” doesn’t quite feel strong enough for this release. Professor Pac-Man.. historically vilified, laughing stock of the Pac-Man franchise Professor M. F.’n Pac-Man, is, on the down-low, a very good video game. If you’re into this sort of thing, at least. If the Brain Age or Big Brain or Professor Layton type of stuff didn’t float your boat, nothing here will appeal to you. But, if you’re a fan of any of those, I think you’ll really dig what the Professor offers. There’s a massive variety of questions AND question types. Sometimes you’re trying to determine which object is the mirror image of another. Sometimes you have to observe a scene closely and then answer a question related to it. There’s allegedly over 500 questions, and I have no idea if the game mixes up the order of the multiple choices.

If some of these seem too simple, remember, there’s a timer going too.

Now, Professor Pac-Man does have a couple issues. The biggest one is that the timer starts too quickly. Perfect scores aren’t even possible without blind luck via stabbing one of the three buttons because the timer starts as soon as the answers appear. Since so much of Professor Pac-Man requires visually studying a subject and the choices, it wouldn’t be unreasonable to give players at least a second or two. There’s also the occasional issue with animations that require counting objects (a juggler, for example) going too fast, though I’ll concede that might have been an issue with my emulator. On the other hand, Professor Pac-Man is overflowing with personality. It really reminds me of some of the old educational games for the Apple II my pops or AJ would show me with too much enthusiasm.

After so many rounds, a double-the-points question is asked. Some of them are pretty dang hard, and you don’t get a second chance if you miss.

And that’s Professor Pac-Man. Whether this belonged in arcades in the cocaine-fueled early 80s or not is irrelevant today, since this wouldn’t be in arcades. I have no clue on its current status or who owns the rights, except to say I think it’s a long shot at best that it’ll ever see an official re-release. That just makes me really depressed. It’d be a great fit on Nintendo Switch, Evercade, or hell, even the mobile market. An ideal time waster if you want that wasted time to have an old timey arcade feel. As a very rare historical curio, it would be awesome to add this to a collection. It’d be alongside the games that were loved all along, and maybe finally find an audience. If you’re wondering “who would even think to put something like this in arcades in 1983? It’s so obviously doomed to fail!” that’s still a valid point. One that Bally Midway seems to have grasped to some degree in the first place. Originally, this game was spec’d out without the Pac-Man theme under the name Quiz Ms. Someone at Bally Midway asked the designers to add Pac-Man to it to make it more commercial. Hah. Also, I should point out that Bally Midway didn’t learn their lesson. Remember when I mentioned Trivial Pursuit and Name That Tune earlier? Yea, those were made by Sente, who was bought in 1984 by.. Bally Midway. History is circular.. and yellow and eats ghosts if you get a power pellet.

Professor Pac-Man is Chick-Approved

Professor Pac-Man was developed by Bally Midway

THERE WERE FIVE VERSIONS OF THE TRIVIAL PURSUIT ARCADE GAME! JEEZ!

Jr. Pac-Man (Arcade Review)

Happy birthday, Jr. Pac-Man. On August 13, the game turns forty years old!

Jr. Pac-Man hasn’t gotten a whole lot of love in the four decades since its release. In part because Junior was developed by General Computer and not Namco, but big deal! So was Ms. Pac-Man, and that got ported to over twenty-five different platforms. Do you know how many ports Jr. Pac-Man got? Three. It got a couple home computer ports in 1988 and an Atari 2600 port that I covered in Atari 50: The Games They Couldn’t Include. After that? Nothing. Oh, plans were made. Like the sublime Atari 5200 port, which could have very well been the best game ever coded for the platform? Along with Super Pac-Man 5200, it didn’t even get released despite being 100% finished. In 2006, Junior was set to be included in a Jakks Pacific plug-and-play centered around the godawful Super Pac-Man, but then things between General Computer and Namco deteriorated and.. well, here we are. Of course, that doesn’t explain why Junior got snubbed BEFORE the bad blood started. The reason typically accepted is Jr. Pac-Man wasn’t as well received by anyone in 1983: operators, players, or critics. It was a bit of a flop, with many fans of Pac-Man feeling it was a vastly inferior sequel. Today, Jr. Pac-Man is banished from gaming’s collective consciousness. And that, my friends, is a bona fide gaming tragedy. This might be the most underrated sequel of the Golden Age of Arcades.

I don’t know why this one hurts more than many others, but it does. There is NO REASON Jr. Pac-Man shouldn’t be a celebrated game today. It’s so good!

If you think Ms. Pac-Man was a big leap over Pac-Man, you wouldn’t believe how big a leap Junior takes. At a whopping seven different mazes, this is the biggest Pac-Man game of the era, by far. Even Pac-Mania sticks to only four mazes. Of course, that’s not the biggest change. Jr. Pac-Man introduced scrolling to the series. This time around, the mazes are the length of two screens, so levels take much longer to finish. Much like Ms. Pac-Man, the mazes are brilliantly designed. Of course they are. Unlike the actual makers of Pac-Man, when it comes to understanding what made Pac-Man successful, developer General Computer f’n GOT IT! That’s why their two Pac-Man sequels, Ms. & Jr., were vastly superior to the first two horrible official sequels Namco put out: Super Pac-Man and Pac & Pal. Namco always fixated on the “eating” part of the Pac-Man formula, citing that as being appealing to women which is kind of cringe. I’m pretty sure all sexes.. you know.. eat. I’m not a doctor or a scientist but I’m almost certain eating isn’t specifically a woman thing. On the other hand, General Computer understood that the chase is the exciting part, the turning of the tables on the ghosts is the fun part, and eating is just the means to the end to deliver on those two elements in a fun and exciting way. Namco’s mazes for Pac & Pal and especially Super Pac-Man SUCKED. They weren’t exciting to be chased through. Consequently, they weren’t any fun.

NOM NOM NOM

Like Ms. Pac-Man before it, General Computer optimized Jr. Pac-Man’s mazes to maximize intense chases and nail-biting close calls while still giving players enough different routes to scratch-out distance between you and the ghosts. I’ll never understand why players of the era didn’t embrace Junior. I know arcade operators hated it. Games of Jr. Pac-Man tended to last longer, and longer games means less coin drops. But, I actually think these are the best Pac-Man mazes.. well.. ever! Now, granted, Jr. Pac-Man is missing the warp-tunnels that I usually rely on to shake the ghosts. However, like no other Pac-Man before it, this offers players flexibility to create their own strategies. My longtime readers will note that I put a high premium on that. The key is the addition of Mega Dots. Like Ms. Pac-Man, the bonus items hop around the maze. The twist is, this time around, the items convert standard dots into larger “Mega Dots” that score x5 the points, but at a cost: you pause for a fraction of a second while you eat them. Those fractions add-up and can be costly when there’s a ghost right behind you. It’s a gameplay mechanic that works flawlessly within the established formula, adding both flexibility for players and an even greater sense of tension to an already tense game.

You can see the difference in Mega Dots here. If you’re bold, you can use the strategy of letting the bonus items do their thing. Just, not TOO much, because.. well.. you’ll find out. Plus, you eventually do have to eat those Mega Dots, with all the drawbacks that come with them. It adds a wonderful layer of risk/reward to a game already inherently caked in it.

There’s one other catch to the bonus item/Mega Dot mechanic: if the bonus item reaches one of the Power Pellets, they both blow up, and that power pellet is gone. If you’re chasing high scores, that means you lose the value of the item and as much as 3,000 points from eating the ghosts. Oh, and more importantly, you lose the potential to shake ghosts who are tailing you in that area. So, go ahead, let the bonus item hop around and make tons of Mega Dots. Just beware, because when you reach the sixth and seventh levels of the games, you’re going to need those power pellets. My biggest knock on Jr. Pac-Man.. my only knock, really.. is that, sometimes, it can take a long time to carve out a safe distance from the ghosts. Man, you really miss those warp tunnels when they’re gone. It wasn’t usual for me to need a minute or two to grab the final tiny cluster of dots just because I couldn’t shake my tails. Oh, it’s worth it. Hell, do it just to see the absolutely adorable cut scenes with Junior and Yum-Yum, daughter of Blinky (the red ghost). They have a crush on each-other. Awwww. Seriously, I want a game starring these two. They’re so cute together!

Junior and Blinky’s daughter, Yum-Yum, are precious. This is the first time I actually enjoyed the cut-scenes in any classic Pac-Man, though I wish they’d stop looping after you’ve seen them. They even work the story into the game. The level after Junior gives Yum-Yum a balloon, the level’s item is a balloon! Actually, it is a bit messed up that the Pac-Family eat the ghosts, and then Blinky named his daughter Yum-Yum. It would be like living next to a family of cannibals and naming your children “Steak” and “Hamburger.”

The story of Junior’s development is every bit as fascinating as the game itself. Like, I thought the General Computer guys were geniuses for coming up with the mega dots. Guess what? They were already in the original Pac-Man game code. So are the Galaxian-like explosion graphics when one of the bonus items hits a power pellet. Yea, really. Apparently, GCC didn’t know exactly why they were there or what they were for. You can still give them credit for how they used them. The race-against-the-items or the mega dots slowing you down? You know.. the good stuff that makes Jr. Pac-Man so unique and exciting? That was all them. I wish they hadn’t gotten out of the game business. With the possible exception of the Pac-Man Championship Edition series (and Shigeru Miyamoto’s Pac-Man Vs.), there hasn’t been a truly great Pac-Man game in the years since. And, really, those Championship games aren’t truly maze-chases. They’re action games set in a maze. So, in this humble gamer’s opinion, the greatest makers of genuine Pac-Man games quit making games years ago. And that is a damn shame, folks.

General Computer, you sadistic bastards! This is the final maze of Jr. Pac-Man, and it’s a doozy. Look at that design of the corner. But, you know what? It works. It’s exciting, and fair. The means to shake the ghosts is right there.

A tiff seemed to have formed between GCC and Namco. AtGames is involved now too somehow and Namco has said “Ms. Pac-Man? The popular gaming mascot of the 80s and the rare example of a franchise that produced two instant global icons? Yea, never heard of her. It’s Pac-Mom in our games. M-O-M!” I don’t know if AtGames is tiffing with Namco or if the two sides simply can’t come to terms on allowing these games to be re-released. I do know that Jr. Pac-Man deserves better than the non-legacy it has. I really do wish all parties could all come together and work this out. Not only are they leaving money on the table, but games like Ms. Pac-Man, Jr. Pac-Man, and yes, even Professor Pac-Man, deserve to be celebrated today. Jr. Pac-Man, especially. Everybody knows about the greatness of Ms. Pac-Man, but Junior came out right as the bottom was falling out in arcades. He didn’t get a kajillion ports before all the rights holders started getting snippy with each-other. It’s heartbreaking, because this is a really amazing game. Not just a great Pac-Man game, but maybe.. just maybe.. the BEST Pac-Man. The all-time classic that never was, and the perfect cap to what should be a celebrated TRILOGY of games. My Dad said it best: it would be like if you couldn’t include Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi with Star Wars anymore just because those films had different directors. Jr. Pac-Man is forty years old now. Can y’all bury the hatchet already? Not in each-other, I mean.

jrpacman-230810-123414Jr. Pac-Man is Chick-Approved

Jr. Pac-Man was developed by General Computer Corporation

Gangbusters (Arcade Review)

Whoops. This wasn’t my intended review today. I was GOING to play Data East’s Real Ghostbusters arcade game next. I loaded the wrong file (GBusters.. I mean, anyone could make THAT mistake, right?). I was annoyed, but then I saw that I’d loaded-up a 1988 Konami coin-op I’d never heard of called Gangbusters. Oooh. Intriguing! I had to investigate further. I saw this was the first full directing job by Satoru Okamoto, who was also the director of Wild West C.O.W. Boys of Moo Mesa, which I liked fine enough. Then I saw Gangbusters looks sort of like a cartoony version of Commando or Gun.Smoke. And then, I found out it’s NEVER been ported. Not to consoles or computers. In any form. Ever. Okay, that’s right up my alley. I never considered there could be an obvious reason why it never got ported.

God, it looks like it’s going to fun, doesn’t it?

Like Violent Storm before it, this is a Konami release where it could have very well been a Capcom release and I wouldn’t have guessed if I hadn’t seen the logo. It sure plays like Capcom’s top-down shooters, with a difficulty curve shaped like a reverse “L” made of pointy bricks. It’s a shame, too, because Gangbusters handles power-ups in a clever way. They’re represented by little red-coated enemies who do their best to attack you. When you shoot them, unlike other enemies, they don’t die. Instead, they’re disabled, and then you “arrest them” and gain a power-up. It’s a neat idea, and it gets even better. You actually tie them up with a rope and lead them around, because scattered throughout the levels are police vans. Leading captured enemies to the back of the vans earns you valuable bombs that can clear out the screen. That’s a great gameplay idea! It’s also literally the only thing Gangbusters does right.

There’s only a handful of “set pieces” like this. Mostly it’s just smaller turrets. The levels always seem like they’re about to hit their stride, and it never happens. It’s such a tease.

At only four average-sized levels in length, you would think Gangbusters barely has enough time to frustrate or annoy. However, it goes overboard with the difficulty to such an absurd degree that it’s wrecking ball to the entertainment value. This plays exactly like a twin stick shooter, only without the ability to move one direction and shoot another. Instead, the game uses a really stupidly simple two-button design with an eight-way joystick. One button for bullets and one for the bombs. Enemies will come from every direction, but the only way to shoot them is to point at them. Pointing, of course, means physically moving in their direction. When the levels are designed to be cramped via buildings and various other barriers, having to move towards ANY enemy would be bad enough. In a game where those enemies are shooting at you it crosses the line into unreasonable. By the third level, they’re shooting at you in intervals that seem perfectly synced with your ability to step out of the way. The biggest challenge becomes getting a clean shot off. That kind of design works for modern FPS games, but this style? A top down arcader? It’s just boring.

Even when the levels “open up” they really don’t. Like in this area? In theory, I can walk anywhere. In practice, the overwhelming majority of the screen is occupied by these seemingly indestructible trains that have guys shooting at you. Oh, and two guys at the top of the screen who can poke out from cover to shoot at  you. Oh oh, and the guy I have roped up? Yea, he could break free and begin shooting at me too. It’s too much.

When I tried playing without cheating, I found that once I lost the upgrades that I gathered on the first stage, I was screwed. The most basic weapon, and really even the first couple upgrades, are worthless by time you reach the end of the second stage. I found myself BEGGING for a Contra-like spread gun. It sucks that the best element of Gangbusters, the upgrade system, is also inherently its downfall. It’d been so much more fun if there was a variety of guns. What you actually do have to work with isn’t going to be enough, fully charged or not. Even when the enemy count on the screen is low, it’s not so much how many baddies there are as where they’re coming from, and how much room you have to dodge their attacks.

That’s especially true during “boss fights” which are really just stationary screens where enemies enter the battlefield via a door in formations and attack in waves. Yea, it’s a Konami game with no actual boss fights, at least until you reach the finale. If Gangbusters has a means to disappoint, it typically does. Now I know how my parents feel about me.

And, because Gangbusters is a visually loud game, bullet visibility is a major issue. Death took me completely by surprise more often than not. Also, the game forces you to the edges of the screen to dodge attacks or work your way around the level layout, then will spawn enemies right on top of you. It’s so cheap. Yea, you can upgrade your gun to rockets that pierce on-foot enemies, but it’s rarely useful once you reach the third stage. Enemies stop fighting in bunches and spread out even more, and the game relies more heavily on turrets (which the rockets do not pierce). By this point, even the most basic enemies will score kills on you because you can’t possibly defend from every angle with the tools you’re given. Especially since enemies.. you know.. RUSH YOU and you have to.. you know.. MOVE TOWARDS THEM JUST TO SHOOT in a playfield that’s.. you know.. CROWDED AS ALL HELL! ARRGH!!

By the fourth stage, I was convinced nobody has ever beat this game legitimately. I’d be impressed if I saw it. Truly. Gangbusters is pretty much reduced to being an on-foot bullet hell by the end.

I don’t know what Konami expected out of Gangbusters. In terms of action, it’s a step down from Capcom’s Gun.Smoke from three years earlier, which offered players the flexibility to shoot at different angles than what you were facing. I genuinely believe that, if Konami had gone with anything but the two button design they implemented here, this might have rose to the level of decent. It’s astonishing how quickly Gangbusters loses its luster and stops being fun. It’s really pretty awful, and now it makes sense why this has no following and has faded into complete obscurity. The entertainment value lasts, oh, halfway through the first stage before you realize that Gangbusters is an exceptionally cruel game. This is further hammered home by the fact that a game over IS a game over. No continues. At least when you play solo.

UPDATE: There ARE continues, but the option is unmarked on the dip switches in every version of MAME I used (and I always use more than one as a precaution). In my heart of hearts, I don’t believe this would have affected my ultimate verdict, since I actively cheated with save states. But of course, having continues would have absolutely altered my play session and experience. Konami clearly didn’t think arcade operators should use them. (Shrug) I stand by this review. Gangbusters isn’t fun. Period.

The final boss. Now, mind you, I cheated like I was studying under Gaylord Perry to get to this point. I’d set the machine to give the max amount of lives it offered AND banked a full set of lives. I tried to play it legit with no cheating. Yea, didn’t take. That black ball in the center of the screen is a heat-seeking bomb. Some sections in the final level have these things chasing you WHILE machine gun turrets fire at you. You would not believe the lengths Gangbusters goes to in order to get a player off the coin-op. As if THIS piece of crap excuse for a game would have people lining up to play it or something.

Even when I restarted the game and adjusted the dip switches down to the easiest setting, the only noticeable difference was the first level was easier. It doesn’t last, and by the end of the second area, you’d swear you’re playing on the maximum difficulty. By the fourth level, I seriously questioned if anyone ever legitimately beat this. Maybe the game is easier or allows for continues in co-op. I didn’t test this. Yea, there’s a co-op mode. I didn’t get a chance to play it. My family aren’t beholden to help me out. This time around, it was totally my fault. They saw my seething, swearing rage and were like “why would we want to play something you hate?” I need a better poker face. “Oh, yea, I’m having a blast! Dying every two seconds in a bare bones shooting game that I’m not having fun with at all. Time of my life! Want play with me?”

Gangbusters is NOT Chick Approved

Gangbusters was developed by Konami

I guess you can say this didn’t go over like..

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Gangbusters in the making of this review.

Atari Lynx: The Definitive Review – Part One

I had basically no experience with the Atari Lynx before Atari 50. I can also say I didn’t really enjoy the Lynx games Atari 50 offered. The best one was a two-in-one port of Asteroids and Missile Command. Not very inspiring. But, the Lynx community is pretty die-hard as far as niche retro communities go, and they seemed pretty cross about the selection of Lynx games in that set. I heard plenty of things along the lines of “all the good stuff was missing” which I found hard to believe. Based on what Lynx games were there, I figured there wasn’t any good stuff.

I was wrong. So, I’m doing this feature to explore the entire Lynx library. Or rather, as much of it as one person can reasonably be expected to explore.

A Lynx to the Past

I want to take a moment to thank the great Evan Amos for his work photographing game devices. When you go to Wikipedia and see pictures of game stuff, it’s usually his work. And man, he is GOOD at snapping pictures of gaming history. He did a coffee table book full of his photos called The Game Console 2.0 that I just bought because it looks awesome. You should get it too!

So, what exactly is the Atari Lynx? Well, it started development as Handy Game. Designers Robert J. Mical and Dave Needle (who sadly passed away in 2016) sketched the Lynx out on a cocktail napkin after Epyx, the company behind the California Games franchise (and defendants in the most important video game lawsuit of all-time), asked them to design a portable game console. This was in 1986, and by the time Handy Game had completed its three year development cycle, Epyx was so strapped for cash that they offered Nintendo the device. They weren’t aware that Nintendo had already finished work on the platform that would destroy them: the Game Boy. Sega also declined, but they found a willing customer in Atari. Handy Game was rechristened THE ATARI LYNX to highlight the console’s ability to link eight units together for multiplayer. Only one such game was ever made that maximizes the player count: Todd’s Adventures in Slime World. Spoiler: I won’t be playing that in eight player mode.

In screenshots, the Lynx games can look VERY impressive, and emulators will not have the issues with blurring that the actual device has. However, the games tend to run a bit on the slow side. Game Gear games felt similar, in my opinion, and so did early Game Boy games. However, Game Boy developers seemed to have figured out how to optimize software for it, a milestone I’m not sure Lynx or Game Gear ever seemed to reach.

The plan had been for Atari to handle the promotion and Epyx to handle the software. The Atari Lynx released September 1, 1989, exactly fifty-two days after I was born. By the time the year was over, Epyx was out of money and Atari was stuck with a project they seemed to have little faith in. The Lynx wasn’t the complete flop people think it was. It sold two million units at a price equal to about $400 in today’s money. However, that two million units was less than half the sales of Sega’s Game Gear, and barely 1% of the combined sales of every variation of the Game Boy sold over the years. The Lynx was too expensive, too cumbersome, had too small of a screen, too much blurring, and a poor battery life. The blurring and screen size made it difficult to create fun software, and ultimately, Nintendo immediately ran away with the market using desirable titles like Tetris or Super Mario Land, and that was all she wrote for the Lynx.

The Mical/Needle duo would later sketch out another console on a cocktail napkin that would be turned down by Nintendo and Sega. That console? Yep.. the 3DO. Those poor guys just had no luck. BTW, that’s another beautiful Evan Amos picture.

I’ve never physically seen an Atari Lynx. I’ve never held one. None of this matters for this review, since today you can play these titles on emulators or even buy them in collections on devices like Evercade or Antstream. There’s 71 officially released games and 56 “unlicensed” games, along with various indie projects that have come out in the years since. I can’t possibly play EVERYTHING that came out for the Lynx, but, I’m going to endeavor to cover all 71 official games and as many of the unlicensed games as possible, along with unreleased prototypes and a handful of indies over the coming months. I hope everybody enjoys it!

Huge thanks to the website Atari Gamer for their incredible database that made researching these games a breeze. Atari Age, as always, is a great resource as well. Oh, and I’m going alphabetically this time around.

THE EVERCADE FACTOR

Despite having half the games of Vol 1, I think Vol 2 is the clear winner.

As of this writing, there are a whopping twenty-five Atari Lynx games available and spread across two collections on the Evercade. Now, while the screenshots in this feature were taken with an emulator on my computer, everybody should support commercial emulation when it’s available. So, for the games that are Evercade-supported, I played the Evercade builds. I think I only paid $19.99 on Amazon for each set, which ain’t too shabby, but they currently go for $29.99 on Amazon. The first collection features seventeen games, and the second collection features eight. Eventually, I’ll total-up the value of these games. However, BOTH Evercade Lynx Collections are projected to win the Indie Gamer Chick Seal of Approval.

Check out Volume 1 and Volume 2.

GAME REVIEWS

For those not familiar with my way of thinking of how retro games should be reviewed, I take NO historical context into account. I don’t care how important a game was to the industry, because that doesn’t make a game worth playing today. The test of time is the cruelest test of all, but every video game must face it. I might not be here if not for Pong’s success, but I wouldn’t want to play it today. Not when there’s better options. Therefore, when I review retro games, every game gets either a YES! or a NO!

YES! means the game is still fun and has actual gameplay value when played today and is worth seeking out.

NO! means the game didn’t age gracefully and is not worth seeking out, and certainly not worth spending money on.

Unfinished prototypes are exempt from the system, and indie games are eligible for my full seal of approval.

Alien vs. Predator
Unreleased Prototype
Developed by Images Software

It looks the part, but it’s nowhere near finished.

Hey, starting with a prototype! Not one finished enough for me to issue a rating on, sadly. Atari Lynx has 71 officially released games, and the list of prototypes and unfinished/unreleased games for it is quite hefty. Some of them never even made it past the drawing board stage, but some did and have never surfaced. The clock is ticking. See, computer files actually aren’t FOREVER, especially when they’re transferred to carts for play testing. The data rots. If you’re a collector who has managed to score a one-of-a-kind prototype, after enough time, you’ll really only own a one-of-a-kind piece of plastic that once contained a game but now just has the gaming equivalent of static on an old TV. But, if you give it to someone to “dump” now, you preserve the game FOREVER, for the whole world. It’s probably the most selfless gaming act of them all. Besides letting your sister think she’s pwning you at Balloon Fight.

It’s actually impressive, or at least, the 33% that exists is impressive. It’s much faster and smoother scrolling than most Lynx games.

As for Alien vs. Predator, this was to be a port of the Jaguar killer app, not the awesome Capcom arcade brawler. This is the type of game where, had it launched with the platform, it would have really given it a massive competitive edge over the Game Boy and Game Gear. Of course, by time this started development, Game Boy owned the market, Game Gear was a distant straggler, and Atari was begging networks to accept their underbidding for late night/early morning Atari Lynx infomercials. It’s still awesome that they decided to give this a try, but the cancellation of it feels like the final shovel of dirt over the Lynx’s grave. That last shovelful is always the most tragic. Personal experience talking.
Worth a Look

APB
Year: 1991
Developed by Quicksilver Software

Another rare Lynx game where it’s smoother than average. Just wish the game was good.

I’m not the biggest fan of APB in general, so there wasn’t a lot of hope I’d like the Atari Lynx port. To its credit, even with the ultra-cramped screen and issues inherent to the device, it does a very admirable job of converting a relatively complex driving game to the Lynx. The primary mechanics of pulling people over are here and work, and movement didn’t take me that long to get the hang of. I also can’t imagine anyone who owned this on Lynx would have enjoyed playing it. It took me going through MANY controllers to find one that didn’t physically hurt my hand to hold both buttons down (required full operating your siren and pulling someone over) while maneuvering. I kept looking back and forth at a picture of the two real Atari Lynx handhelds that released and the game of APB I was playing and saying “HOW?” There’s no way anyone enjoyed this. It’s Kid Icarus DS levels of ow, my hand.
Verdict: NO!

Asteroid Chasers
Year: 2021
Developed by Yastuna Games

Modern Indie Game Ranked on the IGC Leaderboard

Once you get a feel for the rules and the controls, this is actually kind of crazy insanely addictive. Which makes it the ideal handheld puzzle experience.

A sort of cross between dominoes (the game, not the tomato-sauce-covered slop someone might mistake as pizza) and Minesweeper, Asteroids Chasers would have been the perfect Lynx experience if it had actually come out during the console’s “natural lifecycle” which is my term for “when the console makers were actually trying to make money on it.” Though the Lynx was so badly marketed that you’d be forgiven if you assumed the Lynx’s natural lifecycle was a weekend in 1989 before some hungover executive at Atari woke up from a bender and said “we licensed, manufactured, and released a handheld WHAT?” In Asteroid Chasers, you have to place a series of tiles on a grid, limited to touching one of eight sides of the previous tile you placed. The object is to surround asteroids with probes. And by surround, I mean the four primary sides, because diagonal would just be ridiculous. The whammies are mines that you have to surround with probes, because if three active ones are on the board, you lose. The other whammies are pirates, and if a pirate is placed directly next to a probe, the probe stops working (even if it already deactivated a mine). It’s a game of luck and strategy and it works really well. The rare “Solitaire” type of game that actually is as fun to play as.. well, Solitaire!

The running gag that RNG in games hates me is alive and well. You’re at the mercy of the draw. I wasn’t very good at this. It took me over an hour to have a game this good. Honestly, with all due respect to Lynx & Game Boy owners, Yastuna should be looking for wider console releases on this. It’s pretty good.

While Asteroid Chasers isn’t MIND BLOWING or anything, it’s addictive. Very addictive. It also lends itself perfectly to handheld gaming, since rounds of it only last between five to ten minutes, give or take. I do wish it showed you what available moves there are (the Game Boy version does), but that’s basically my only knock on it. Well, that and my historically bad RNG luck really went into overdrive here. Rounds can change on a dime, from thinking you’re heading towards your new high score to dead in an instant because you start drawing the mines in clusters instead of spread out over the course of the game. Any game that can make me scream in agony, then immediately start another round must be pretty good. And evil. But good. A good kind of evil. Like, George R.R. Martin, the patron saint of awesomely evil.
Verdict: YES!
Leaderboard Rank: #137 (Top 79% of all-indies, Top 56% of IGC-Approved indies)
Available in Standard Edition, Deluxe Edition, and Name Your Own Price for the ROM on Itch.io

Awesome Golf
Year: 1991
Developed by Hand Made Software

EVERCADE: Atari Lynx Collection Vol 1

The first Evercade game in this review is a golf game that nobody probably gives two squirts about. But, people shouldn’t skip it. It’s probably the best of its breed I’ve played.

See, THIS is why I do my best to play everything. You’d think it’d be a massive waste of time to play a thirty year old version of video golf for a platform very few people owned. But, actually, Awesome Golf sort of lives up to its name. It’s not just the best sports game on the Lynx, but probably one of the better games on the platform overall. It still uses the standard triple-click swing method, but it dresses it up like no other video golf game did. The meter physically scrolls as it moves and has visual representations of slicing and hooking, making this very approachable to newbies and quick to adjust for golfing veterans, while also giving the sport the personality it often lacks.

Even just watching your shots is given dignity and pomp. I really enjoyed this game a lot.

So, that put me in a good mood, and it just kept up. If I have a knock on Awesome Golf, it’s that there’s no topography. You don’t have hills or slopes to deal with. The greens are perfectly flat. I get it. It’s an eight bit game and coding that stuff in would have probably been a pain in the ass. Besides, it’s supposed to be a quick to play, easy to grasp video golf on the go. My other knock is there seems to be a caddie system in place, yet, when I tried to activate it, it didn’t help me with shot selection. Like so many other versions of video golf (such as the Nintendo-developed one for the NES known as Stroke & Match Play Golf in arcades) Awesome Golf expects you to know what a scratch golfer can reasonably expect to hit with each club in the bag. It doesn’t tell you how many yards a well-struck 7 iron will give you. So, that’s annoying, but you could suss it out with time.

Another knock is how often the ball would come to rest right on the lip of the hole when putting. It happened so much that I questioned whether this was totally on the up-and-up.

Of course, the problems that Awesome Golf has are common for the time period. Not QUITE universal, but close. So, it can’t be accused of making any mistake that wasn’t typical for the 80s and 90s, with the horsepower and conventional design that was prevalent. And, the truth is, I don’t really care if they had limitations to deal with or not. It doesn’t make playing a game any more or less fun today. So, you can imagine my complete shock that I really enjoyed Awesome Golf. I’ve played a lot of retro golfing games and I think I’ve found the best of the pre-3D era. If you give yourself a name like “Awesome Golf” you have to live up to that, and this does. Awesome course design. Awesome swing mechanics. Lots of customization options. The best 8 bit round of links you can play is on the Lynx. I should have guessed! It’s right in the name and everything!
Verdict: YES!
$5 in Value added to Evercades Atari Lynx Collection Volume 1

Baseball Heroes
Year: 1992
Developed by Atari Games

I’m frustrated when retro games sacrifice gameplay for appearance. If they were an athlete, they’d be one of those athletes who doesn’t care if they win or lose but rather how good they look. Think “Russell Westbrook”. However, sometimes the dazzling graphics pay off. That’s the case here.

Baseball Heroes is probably the most ambitious 8-bit baseball game ever made. What the hell is with Atari and all these high-concept takes on boilerplate sports games? So weird. The pitcher/batter animations look rotoscoped, and the fielding is done from multiple different camera angles. Like a 3D game. THIS IS THE ATARI LYNX! WHAT THE HELL? It’s playable and perhaps feels closer to baseball than most games from the time would. They tried to create a really fancy look and appearance for it, presumably because it would seem “high tech” when viewed in advertisements. And, yea, this looks really good compared to the Game Boy version of Baseball that was a launch window title.

While I know my baseball well enough, it’s my father who would be considered the “expert.” He watched this and said “this kind of looks like.. that.. sci-fi game.” I was like “uh.. Out of this World?” and he screamed “YEA! THAT!” It was funny that we were on the same wavelength. Indeed, the pitching and batting animation does have this weird “rotoscope” vibe to it. If this had good base running, it might be the best baseball game ever made. Alas.

To their credit, pitching and batting look and feel totally different. You’re not just playing from the same angle and simply controlling the other sprite. Before you hurl, it even has a close-up of the catcher showing his fingers to call the pitch, which you either shake your head at or accept before throwing the pitch. Again, it’s ambitious, and I do appreciate the effort. So much so that I actually had a good time. Again. Yea, this is why I play everything. And now I’m wondering why Digital Eclipse and Atari picked the volleyball game they did for the lineup when there’s a really fun golf and a really fun baseball game as an option. There’s only four teams and they don’t seem to be based on any real players, but who cares? It’s handheld baseball. I seriously doubt anyone finishes a single game.

I literally LOLed at how the fielding/base-runners work. Cutting edge, giant sprites for the pitcher/batter duels. Primitive stick fingers straight out of the Intellivision for the fielding/base-running. Then I stopped laughing when I was like.. damn.. multiple camera angles in a 1992 8-bit handheld video baseball that nobody played. Kind of makes me feel sad that nobody bought this.

Like Awesome Golf, problems inherent to the era’s video baseball are here and on full display. Base-running really sucks. Really, REALLY sucks, and almost cost this the YES! I’m about to give it. I was raised on Ken Griffey Jr.’s Nintendo 64 games, where there’s buttons assigned specifically to bases. The two-button design that 8-bit games use just doesn’t do it for me. Also, unique to this specific game is judging the distance of fly balls when you field. These are most certainly not minor league problems, but they’re not deal breakers, either. Sports games are why I can’t use “would I play it today, in 2023?” as the standard I judge retro games by. I would never choose to play these for any reason but as a special feature like this one. Instead, my standard is “did I have fun with them, on their own merit, without historical context?” In the case of Baseball Heroes, yes I did, though a lot of that was probably based on the novelty of a very bold design for a baseball game nobody played on a platform most people never owned.
Verdict: YES!

Basketbrawl
Year: 1992
Developed by Hamilton and Associates

Included in Atari 50
EVERCADE
: Atari Lynx Collection Vol. 1
Available on Antstream

The referees will run in and start attacking players. I get the “wouldn’t it be funny if Double Dragon broke out in the middle of a basketball game” joke. The problem is, like a bad SNL sketch, there’s just not a lot of mileage in that gag. Your brain pictures what it would be like, laughs, and the joke has run its course by time you get past the title screen. That means the game has to stand on its own gameplay merit, and this doesn’t. It’s actually horrible as both a brawler AND a sports game.

To paraphrase the movie The Aviator, “I care very much about the sport of basketball. It has been the great joy of my life.” I might feel differently if every game played out like the Malice at the Palace. The idea with Basketbrawl is simple: no rules, to the point that the referee might run onto the court and start attacking players (which doesn’t seem to happen on the Atari 7800 version that’s also included in Atari 50). You can punch, kick, use weapons, and you don’t have to take the ball out and pass it in after a basket. If the other team is out cold, you can sit and shoot under the hoop till your heart’s content. You can keep scoring until the other team wakes from their coma to stop you. Sounds great, right? Yea, no. This is so janky in its frame rate that it comes close to feeling like an LCD game.

You can grab a knife and stab players. You can also just keep shooting baskets without the other team getting the ball back. Of course, I bricked more two-foot bunnies than Harrison Barnes bricked.. well.. everything in the 2016 Finals, but, whatever. We got Durant out of it so thanks Harrison.

The violence is so comically over-the-top that, as bad as the animation is, I couldn’t help but giggle. You can literally grab a knife, stab your opponents, then park yourself under the basket and just make one basket after another while they lay motionless. Of course, the shooting is just random chance it would seem. Passing and shooting are mapped to one button. That would be bad enough, but they made it worse. Logically, holding down the button would be shoot and you’d tap it to pass, right? Well, they did it backwards. When you shoot, there’s seemingly no way to help with accuracy, and even layups will rim-out again and again. At one point, I missed seven uncontested bunnies in a row. Video basketball HAS to get the scoring right, and this failed worse than any digital hoops I’ve ever played. Yes, I would go so far as to say this is the worst basketball video game ever made. Sure, you’ll smirk in disbelief when the referee runs onto the court and you give him the ole’ Draymond treatment, but dude, Basketbrawl is maybe the most misguided sports game ever made. THIS wants SO BADLY to be an even more violent version of Arch Rivals, but honestly, I’d rather play the Alan Miller Atari 2600 game, both for gameplay and comedy. Oddly, it’s not included in Atari 50. What the heck, Atari?
Verdict: NO!

Batman Returns
Year: 1992
Developed by Atari Corporation

At the end of Batman Returns’ first level, this happens..

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Oh, and Batman Returns is one of those games where you only get one life, so that bomb going off means you have to start over. Screw that. I rewound it and tried again. I ended up spending twenty minutes trying to run past it, duck past it, and jumping over it. I tried to duck behind the mailbox three or four times, since that seemed to be the only logical way to survive, but it didn’t work. The solution was.. ducking behind the mailbox. I guess I wasn’t doing it on the precise, specific footprint that would have allowed me to survive. Welp, so much for the good mood the surprisingly fun sports games put me in. Between Batman Returns and Basketbrawl, yea, that’s gone. Wait, maybe not..

Yea, no, the moment has passed. Shame.

If Zack Snyder directed a Batman video game.

Batman Returns on the Lynx is an atrocious game. Frankly, a brawler where the violence feels weightless is doomed anyway, but it’s so much worse than that. It’s a very close cousin to the arcade classic Kung-Fu Master, only without the ability to kick, and with gingers hugging the energy out of you replaced by clowns hugging the energy of your one and only life The collision sucks, so lining up to punch them while they suck the life out of you is a chore. Then, you have to deal with explosions that apparently don’t have proper means to defend again. Sticks of dynamite fly at you, and from what I can tell, you can’t punch them out of air. There’s sections where sewer grates spray sticks of dynamite like Old Faithful AND enemies walk in from the left side and throw more at you. Oh, and those enemies also have bombs attached to them and explode upon dying. This isn’t Batman. It’s Suicide Squad. The bad one, I mean.

I don’t know what to make of Batman Returns, the film. Penguin being a literal mutant penguin? That’s.. yea.. weird. What a weird choice for a weird movie.

I really did intend to play Batman Returns from start to finish, but I quit making a good faith effort after beating the first boss. Get this: you don’t get your life back when you beat levels. No continues. So, screw it.. I went and used an old-timey cheat code, listed in the caption below. A cheat code so comically massive that I actively wondered as I imputed it if someone had edited the GameFAQs page for this game and was screwing with people. They weren’t. It worked. EVEN THEN, I quit on the second boss, Catwoman, who will knock you down and then kick you over and over and not let you get up. The “git gud” crowd can blow it out their ass. Batman Returns is absolutely terrible and chalked full of dickhead game design. No lives, but instakills everywhere, be it bombs or pits that you can be shot into mid-jump when an enemy scrolls onto the screen. One thing is clear: making a fun game was not the objective here.

On the title screen.. and I’m not making-up how many button presses this requires.. you have to press UP eight times, DOWN twelve times, LEFT fifteen times, RIGHT nineteen times, and OPTION 1 twenty-seven times, followed by A. From here, you can pause the game and skip levels by pressing option 1 (which I didn’t do) or turn on invincibility by pressing option 2 (which I did as needed to assure I wouldn’t game over). If I hadn’t done it right the very first try, I’d have quit. Also, did I miss the part in Batman Returns where a Joan Rivers looking thing in a Native American headdress does battle with the Caped Crusader? Oh god, now I have to watch the movie again. Sigh.

I’m not even sure what I expected out of a licensed game for a platform that was about as popular as Oakland Coliseum is to visit these days, but hell, even some of the laziest, most cash-grabbingly soulless licensed games at least try to present the guise of being fun. You can’t even say that about Batman Returns. It probably looks okay in screenshots, but any Lynx fans who missed out on this, you dodged a beauty queen being thrown from the roof of a skyscraper onto a Christmas Tree-lighting plunger on this one.
Verdict: NO!

BattleWheels
Year: 1993
Developed by Beyond Games

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As a kid, I really dug EA’s Cel Damage. Quite a bit, actually. I even squeezed a surprising amount of playtime out of its Switch re-release twenty years later, showing it had unexpected staying power. BattleWheels is kinda a precursor to Cel Damage, mixed with Battlezone. But, even when viewed through the lens of a proof of concept, BattleWheels just plain isn’t fun. Enemy cars are bullet sponges, and you have to switch between weapons that shoot out the left and right sides of the car AND the rear of it. While it’s impressive that you can attack from all sides.. in a 1993 8-bit car combat, mind you.. the controls and the clumsiness of it all just saps the entertainment from it. It’s just not smooth enough to pull-off what it’s trying for, and it just ends up being a sloppy mess. Good try, I guess, but it makes me just want to play Battlezone.
Verdict: NO!

Well, alphabetically, that was convenient.

Battlezone 2000
Year: 1995
Developed by Hand Made Software, Ltd

Oh, thank god it’s not trying to look “better” than the original. Precious wire frames. How I love thee.

Yep, this is good. Shame about it not coming out until 1995, of course. Maybe some kid who got a Lynx from a yard sale could have gotten a copy. Unlikely, but you never know. Even sadder is that, when you really stop and think about it, the Battlezone formula kind of lends itself perfectly to handheld gaming, doesn’t it? It’s the type of no-commitment-needed time wasting formula that is perfect for a $0.25 per play arcade experience, but also perfect as the type of game you throw on for a short car ride, or if you have ten minutes to kill in a waiting room. A simple arena where you use a radar to ping tanks to death, one at a time. And hey, the “improvements” are actually.. get this.. IMPROVEMENTS over the original arcade formula. You get a secondary weapon, a heat-seeking missile that can help take out especially annoying enemies. There’s also item pick-ups, and you’ll need them. Ammo is limited, and so is your fuel. While it did get aggravating that I’d find tons of fuel but not as much ammo as I needed, you know what? I still had a great time! Battlezone 2000 proves that the formula is timeless and not really that hard to tinker with.
Verdict: YES!

Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure
Year: 1991
Developed by Al Baker & Associates

I got an item that is supposed to help with these scarabs, but it just seems to make them sort of wander randomly.

You know those overhead, RPG-like areas in StarTropics? Yea, Bill & Ted for the Lynx is sort of like those, only without the promise of a kick ass action sequence to follow. It’s one of the worst games on Lynx, because of course it is. One of those abstract games where I can’t imagine how anyone ever figured this stuff out in the days before GameFAQs. Controls that are slow and unresponsive and I was CONSTANTLY getting hung-up on the boundaries of pathways. Bill & Ted Lynx is basically a fetch quest mixed with.. a maze chase? It’s sort of how it feels. It’s just a complete dissonance of gameplay styles, and even the platform they’ve chosen for this makes no sense. The notoriously battery-sucking Lynx has a walking simulator this slow? Why?

I didn’t finish this one either. I tried, folks. Holy crap, what a slog of a game.

Bill & Ted Lynx basically fails in every imaginable way. There’s no humor, or really any personality at all, so it doesn’t fit in with the charming and adorable film series. Then again, maybe it’s based on the cartoon series since that’s what the title screen implies. Except the box art is from the movie. Well, that’s a mixed message. You know what? It’s clear this was thrown together and I wouldn’t even be shocked if this started life as something else and was changed in development. Wandering around boring maps with endless identical NPCs who all trigger the same dialog while looking for items that have no explanation on how to activate them. This was bad. Just a bogus idea.
Verdict: NO!

Blockout
Year: 1991
Developed by P.Z.Karen Co. Development Group

I could swear I played this on Virtual Boy.

I loves me a good block puzzler, but, 3D Tetris-type games usually play not-so-great. My favorite, Tetrisphere, really isn’t anything like Tetris. Oh, and fun fact: Tetrisphere started development as an Atari Jaguar game called Phear. Ain’t that neat? I used to figure that, if that’s as good as it gets, maybe the subgenre just doesn’t work. So, if you told me that I’d finally find a 3D well puzzler that was.. if not good, tolerable, I wouldn’t have expected it to be on Lynx. Not just Lynx, but from a studio with a library of games I’ve never heard of (and by a director with only one credit, and it’s a backgammon game for god’s sake). Yet, Blockout is fine. It’s not exactly exciting, even when I increased the levels. But, it is shockingly intuitive, in a way that no other game in the genre has pulled-off. I didn’t think I’d reach the point at all where determining depth and position in the grid became instinctive. Instead, it actually happened really quick. Within fifteen minutes of playing, I wasn’t having to move the blocks up against the wall before moving them into the position. Well hey, that’s just swell. Didn’t see that coming.

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Is Blockout fun? Eh, well.. it’s an acceptable way to pass time. There’s plenty of customization options and a massive variety of block shapes which you can adjust to your liking. In theory, this is great, but the Lynx wasn’t quite advanced enough to achieve the ambition on display. In the more advanced levels, the wire-frames of the blocks just don’t look clear enough. The tech wasn’t there, and the lack of shading forces you to rotate the blocks a lot just to figure out their basic structure. Of course, on the lowest speed level, you do have plenty of time before you have to commit to laying a block down. If you stick to the basic shaped blocks and pump the speed up to level 5 or so, I think even non-fans will find an experience that may not be entertaining in the strictest sense, but certainly is mentally stimulating enough to keep you from being bored if you have fifteen minutes to spare. Sorry. That’s as much enthusiasm as I could muster.
Verdict: YES!

Blue Lightning
Year: 1989
Developed by Epyx, Inc.

EVERCADE: Atari Lynx Collection Vol. 2

The reason I’ve stuck to my guns on playing everything in these retro runs I do and not just the quote-unquote “big name” games is because you never know, right? Blue Lightning is a great example of that, because I really didn’t think there was any chance I’d like it. Instead..

Well I’ll be damned. I WILL BE DAMNED! Wow! Yea, I didn’t expect.. this. Blue Lightning was meant to be more of a tech demo for the Lynx, back when it was called Handy Game. This started development before Atari’s involvement in Lynx, with the intent of creating a game that would look really sharp and snazzy in promotional photos. It’s a jet combat game that tries to ape the look and feel of After Burner, only within the physical limitations of the Lynx. Which turned out as well as you would expect: the game scrolls about as smooth as triple-grit sandpaper. It makes Star Fox look like a 4K experience. Also, it’s pretty dang fun. I am NOT joking. Like.. huh? This is not how it’s supposed to work. This was supposed to have aged miserably and be nearly unplayable today. But that wasn’t the case.

I shouldn’t be impressed by technology that released fifty-two days after I was born, but despite the slowwwwww gameplay and crappy frame rate, I really was genuinely, no bullcrap, impressed by Blue Thunder for creating authentic thrills and some of the most satisfying dogfights in gaming.

Now, let me be clear: the limitations rear their ugly, ugly head again and again. For one thing: the character sprite itself is too big for the relatively small Lynx screen, and not in service to the gameplay. Then, there’s the game design. The levels aren’t always thrilling, because sometimes Blue Lightning goes too long between action beats. The ground-based enemies really lack any grit, and frankly barely look like more than little black or gray blobs on the ground. While it’s technically impressive for a 1989 game to allow a player to either hug the Earth or fly high into the clouds, there’s a lack of focus that comes with that that was completely avoidable. Speaking of which, the somewhat choppy play controls and highly choppy frame rate means you can’t always see the enemy projectiles coming at you. I found the best strategy was saving my heat-seeking missiles for defense and shooting down enemies with my gun.

As impressed as I was with the terrain and the fact that there’s something resembling Mode 7 like 3D topography, I’d rather had focused gameplay.

When the game focuses on fighting other jets and dodging or blowing up their projectiles, it’s really satisfying. Is it deep? Nah. It’s as shallow as a puddle of spit. But, shooting down enemies is just fun enough that it kept me going all the way through. I wouldn’t think this genre would lend itself to handheld gameplay, but alas, it does. Blue Lightning is one of those “slipped through the cracks of history” type of games that is pretty much the killer app of Lynx that nobody knows about. Imagine playing this in 1989 on a handheld. It must have been mind-blowing. None of that matters to me now, in 2023. All I care about is “did I have fun playing it today?” I sure did.
Verdict: YES!
$5 in Value added to Evercade’s Atari Lynx Collection Volume 2

Bubble Trouble
Year: 1993
Developed by Lore Games Ltd.

It’s a free-range space shooter/fetch quest that replaces the spaceship with a grandmother in a giant soap bubble. Literally. That’s what it is. There’s a cut scene that shows how this happens and everything. Points for originality, I guess?

Well, to Bubble Trouble’s credit, I’ve not played too many games where you star as an old lady in her bathrobe trapped in a giant soap bubble. It’s as dumb and horrible as it sounds. The type of game where I look at the reviews posted on the Wikipedia page and remember that some game critics seem physically incapable of having a single critical thought in their heads. This is horrendous. The controls are so fast and so loose, on a screen that’s already too small, that you just bounce around aimlessly from wall to wall while hoping you don’t collide with the enemies. We can’t say a game sucks when it sucks. Golly, that might lead to the free review copy gravy train drying up!

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Actually, a better theme would have been a sentient air hockey puck exploring a cavern made of trampolines. This is the type of gameplay that doesn’t work at all without analog controls. The squeezes are too tight and the amount of ricocheting you’ll experience trying to get through the narrow passages will drive you mad. Exploring in this exploration-based game is just plain miserable, and there’s nothing to soften the blow. The combat is god awful because you can’t aim and shoot without moving, and moving means you start sliding and bouncing off the walls like a hyperactive 6 year old who just mainlined a pixie stick factory. I really did want to finish the first stage but after exploring each far-end of the stage, I couldn’t find my way to the final dot and I really didn’t want to go on further. Horrible game.
Verdict: NO!

California Games
Year: 1989
Developed by Epyx, Inc.

EVERCADE: Atari Lynx Collection Vol. 2
Available on Antstream

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I’ve never liked California Games, and lord knows I’ve tried to overcome that. This is my third time playing it. I grew up in an era of WarioWare, Wii Sports, or even the generic Carnival Games. Mini-game collections that aspired to feature intuitive, user-friendly controls. California Games goes the opposite route: super steep learning curve. I genuinely think I could learn real skateboarding faster than I could learn the skateboarding featured here. And what’s the point? It’s not fun. None of it is. This might be the worst mini-game collection this side of Action 52. AND IT WAS THE PACK-IN GAME! I really can’t imagine why the Atari Lynx failed. It’s beyond me.

I WAS impressed by the fact that the camera does a close up. This is one of the earliest games I’ve seen that does that, so that was cool. But this replaces Mario Tennis on the Virtual Boy as the worst pack-in game I’ve ever played. Bundle your best software or don’t bother.

So, let’s get this over with. The Lynx version of California Games, which.. yes, again, this was the pack-in for the Lynx, features only four events. In BMX, you race down a hill while avoiding speed bumps and hay bales. You’re given two jumps to help with this: a wheelie and a flip jump. I found this to be too strict with the time limit and too unforgiving with mistakes. It’s also just not fun. I’ve never played a good surfing game, and the version of surfing in California Games is no different. The half-pipe, hell, even reading the instruction book or watching clips of it, I couldn’t figure out how to do anything. In case you haven’t noticed by the fact that I own a wildly popular gaming blog (humor me here, folks), this ain’t my first rodeo. This shouldn’t be so unintuitive. Hacky Sack.. excuse me.. foot bag, is basically just mashing the button. It’s really, really boring.. and it’s the only game in the entire collection that doesn’t require you to devote hours to getting the hang of the controls and timing. They should have packed Blue Lightning or Chip’s Challenge with the Lynx, because California Games sucks. Always has. Always will.
Verdict: NO!

Centipede
Unreleased Prototype
Developed by Shadowsoft

At this point, I want to make arrangement for my tombstone to have an LCD screen, a trackball, and a copy of Centipede, just to say this will literally follow me to the grave.

I really can’t escape Centipede, can I? There’s apparently not a lot known about this unreleased prototype, except that it comes from the same studio that Atari hired to port Joust and Robotron to the platform. Well, canceling this was a good call. I can’t imagine even this bare framework of 1s and 0s resembling the arcade classic would have ever eventually become a decent port of Centipede. It’s so slow, and all the charm and personality is just gone. If this had been the game that came out in arcades in 1980, it wouldn’t have become the legend it is. Personality matters. If you can’t carry that over, don’t even bother with the port. It’s just common sense. Apparently someone at Atari had that, hence this lobotomized version of Centipede meeting a giant shoe.
NOT WORTH A LOOK

Checkered Flag
Year: 1991
Developed by Atari

EVERCADE: Atari Lynx Collection Vol. 2

Credit where it’s due: I was sure this wouldn’t play smoothly at all. And it does. So, hey, not bad.

I fully admit I’m not the biggest Pole Position fan. I’ll always cherish those early memories of Dad operating the pedals for me at the pizzeria while I recklessly steered us into billboards while cackling like a maniac (“it was a bad omen of things to come” says my father) but it just doesn’t translate without a steering wheel, gear shift, and pedals. Checkered Flag is Pole Position in all but name, only with a lot more options than pretty much any Atari port I’ve previously played. It’s also one of the most critically acclaimed Atari Lynx games ever. Of course, these are the same critics that couldn’t work up the courage to say that Bubble Trouble sucked, so I took that with a grain of salt.

You can also choose to use a female racer. For the life of me I couldn’t figure out what that does, since you can’t see yourself in the car, and the announcer still says “GENTLEMEN.. START YOUR ENGINES!” instead of LADIES. Well, this WAS 1992 so that voice sample was probably like half the file size by itself. Still, what the hell was the point of that?

Well, sometimes popular consensus is right. I’m stunned by how much I enjoyed Checkered Flag. It has a pretty big variety of tracks. It controls pretty good for a d-pad-based racing game. It even has rear view mirrors at the bottom of the screen. How cool is that? And, to top it off, the amount of options is staggering. So, how do you want to race? Solo? Single lap? No drones? Nine drones? Somewhere in-between? It’s your call. They loaded this cart down with variables, and variables equal value. So, yea, Checkered Flag is one of the best Atari Lynx games. Go figure. Hell, it made me realize that the Pole Position formula, when it plays well enough, lends itself pretty amazing to a handheld device. No commitment needed. If you have ten minutes to kill, whip out your Evercade and do a quick lap. Now I’m thinking Namco are damn fools for not reviving the authentic Pole Position franchise on Switch.
Verdict: YES!
$5 in Value added to Evercade’s Atari Lynx Collection Volume 2

Chip’s Challenge
Year: 1989
Developed by Epyx

EVERCADE: Atari Lynx Collection Vol. 2

I don’t know if I’d go so far as to call Chip’s Challenge a “classic” but, much like me, it was born in 1989, is the result an idle period in its creators life that got out of hand, it’s starting to show its age, and yet it manages to retain its charm thirty-four years later. We’re practically twins!

For you Gen Z-ers, Chip’s Challenge was a fairly common computer game in the old Windows 95 days. I’m almost certain every Windows 95 included at least the demo of it. We always had the full version, and as recent as 2010, I caught my father playing this at our office. Here’s what I didn’t know about Chip’s Challenge: it was designed for.. and debuted on.. the Atari Lynx. In fact, alongside Blue Lightning, this was one of two launch titles that were made to be “Killer Apps” for the Lynx. They should have packed THIS in instead of California Games. The Atari Lynx had massive problems with blurring and battery life and was widely predicted to be doomed from the start. BUT, who knows? Maybe a desirable game like Chip instead of a piece of crap that players could play on the NES anyway like California Games might have moved a few more units. I promise you that if the decision makers had it to do over again, they’d pick this.

It’s sort of like arcade-like Lolo mixed with a Sokoban game.

For those of you who have somehow never heard of Chip’s Challenge, or maybe you have but you didn’t play it, it’s a puzzler crossed with a mid-80s style avoider-type maze chase. But, you mostly have to focus on puzzling. You have to figure out how to pick up all the computer chips in the room (much like the heart frames in “Adventures of Lolo“), and the primary challenge will be determining the order you need to get them. There’s items that let you clear specific obstacles, or open doors, or cling to conveyor belts. Really, the most impressive aspect of Chip’s Challenge is just how much different stuff there is to do. So much stuff that it shouldn’t get boring. Except, it sort of does.

There’s 150 levels, some of which are real brain benders. Others are just busy work. The biggest flaw with Chip’s Challenge is, and has always been, that the difficulty curve is all over the place.

Chip’s Challenge is probably the most legendary of Atari Lynx games, though that reputation has very little to do with this specific version. It does work well as a handheld release. Most of the stages work in bite-sized chunks, and since there’s no items or score to carry-over, you really don’t need to commit to an extended session. It’s a shame this didn’t utilize battery back-up, though the passwords are only four characters, which helps. My main reason for not considering Chip’s Challenge to be a bona fide legend is that far too many of the stages are just slogs to get through. Busy work where one type of challenge is repeated too many times. Don’t get me wrong: Chip’s Challenge has aged so much better than it had any right to. But, it’s also forever fated to be a B-lister among gaming memories.
Verdict: YES!
$5 in Value added to Evercade’s Atari Lynx Collection Volume 2

Crystal Mines II
Year: 1992
Developed by Color Dreams

EVERCADE: Atari Lynx Collection Vol. 1

If you need your game to be 48.3% more holy, just pretend the robot is Moses.

Crystal Mines II is in a somewhat unique position among the games in this feature. The Evercade port has had additional levels added to it. 125 added levels, to be exact. That brings the total to.. 300. Jeez. In the interest of full disclosure, I didn’t touch those extra levels. Yea, I can’t imagine wanting to play 300 levels of this. Not because it’s bad or anything. In fact, I think Crystal Mines II is a lot more fun than Boulder Dash, the game is “rips off.” It’s faster-paced, more action-oriented, but also has much smarter puzzles. Things I’m into. But, there’s a shelf life that expires long before those 300 levels are finished. It lasted.. oh.. about 90 or so stages for me.

Crystal Mines II was later released on Nintendo DS, only the two was dropped. Also, it apparently never came out in America.

In early stages, players could mistake Crystal Mines II as a basic maze chase with gunfire type of action game where you have to collect all the treasure in the level. It’s quite arcadey, but that style of gameplay doesn’t last long into the experience. Crystal Mines II is really a fairly hardcore puzzler that fans of Lode Runner or Lolo would enjoy a lot more. The puzzles can be quite brain-bending, and sometimes quite time consuming. This is one of those games where modern techniques like save states and rewind help to remove most of the tedium out of the experience, since a lot of the levels are a one-mistake-and-you’re-dead type of deal. Much like Boulder Dash, I never got a feel for how the gravity works, either. I’m sure there’s some pattern to how the blocks fall, but I’m still kind of stumped as to how it works.

There’s some fairly clever level design here that makes you think on your feet. Like, in this level, a bomb with a live fuse is next to a necessary item, so you have to start running towards it and collect the item before the TNT explodes.

I’m not necessarily a fan of mind-breakers that also rely heavily on avoiding enemies like Pac-Man ghosts. Even if it’s grid-based, it’s just an annoyance that gets in the way of my thinking. It’s even worse, because not all enemies can be fired-upon. Some of them are immune to all but the dynamite. This isn’t Bomberman, and often, you might only have enough dynamite to finish the level. You’re also going to want an instruction book if you’re playing this for the first time, as it’s not always clear what certain items do, or the physical properties of some of the blocks. Oh hey, I found the book. OH HEY, it’s useless! It doesn’t even have pictures explaining the properties of.. anything. Well, ain’t that a kick in the ass? Eh, I figured it out. You can too. Crystal Mines II is actually, shockingly, one of the best games on the Lynx.
Verdict: YES!
$5 in Value added to Evercade’s Atari Lynx Collection Volume 1

CSS Traffic Regulation
Year: 2022
Developed by Yastuna Games

Modern Indie Game Ranked on the IGC Leaderboard

This is one of those games where I was initially excited as I started it and saw what it was, but the more I played it, the less I liked it. Well, until I switched which mode I was on. Trust me: go straight to “Challenge.”

I don’t want this feature to be a celebration of Yastuna Games, but they seem to know what they’re doing with these twists on classic puzzle formulas. CSS Traffic Regulation sounds like some kind of bureaucratic infrastructure management simulator, but actually, it’s similar to Nintendo’s Panel De Pon series. AKA Tetris Attack. AKA Pokemon Puzzle League. AKA Nintendo Puzzle League. AKA.. you know what? They can’t settle on a theme for it. Traffic Regulation isn’t a direct copy cat of it. The most notable difference is a series of meters that fill up as you clear each of the blocks. The meters trigger special events, such as a square garbage block that has to be dealt with, or a rocket ship will fly over the screen and change the blocks.

This was a game over, despite the fact that there’s literally a match happening underneath it. CSS feels like it needs more development time, as stuff like this frustrates more than it entertains.

CSS notably changes how the garbage blocks are handled. Instead of linking them to blocks you clear, you break them by dropping them. After a few drops, they’ll shatter. It’s a small change that makes the whole experience feel fresh. However, I must admit, my enjoyment of CSS grew smaller and smaller the more time I put into it. When I first started it, I assumed I’d eventually get a feel for the physics and timing, but it never happened. There’s a training mode that I was hoping would help me to discover the timing, but all it seemed to do was keep the game at whatever level you chose, without increasing as you play. What this really needed was a tutorial to help give you a sense of the timing. Even worse is the game instantly ends when the blocks reach the top. I’ve always felt that one of the great parts of Puzzle League is that moment when the blocks squeeze the top BUT you still have a second to make the save. It’s exciting, and Traffic Regulation hurts for its loss. As shown in the picture above, you can actually link the blocks that WOULD make the save, but it doesn’t save you, and that just play sucks.

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So, a bust, right? Well, maybe the main modes are. They stop being fun really fast. But, then I swapped over to the “challenge” mode. This isn’t the same as the puzzle mode commonly found in Puzzle League. You’re not trying to clear all the blocks on the screen. Instead, there’s specific blocks marked by an outline. There’s no “maximum amount of moves” counter. Instead, the puzzle plays on a timer. Sometimes, it even scrolls. I enjoyed playing this a lot and will likely go back and finish it. Is it good enough to save CSS? Actually, yea. I’d still hope Yastuna goes back to CSS themselves and cleans up the actual action main gameplay elements. It’s really haphazard and the annoyances bury the fun eventually. But, the PUZZLE part of this puzzle game kept my attention, and that’s good enough for me.
Verdict: YES!
Leaderboard Rank: #217 (Top 66% of all-indies)

Daemonsgate
Year: 1993 (Not Released until 2003?)
Developed by Imagitec Design

I spent an hour wandering around, trying to figure out what exactly I was supposed to be doing.

I didn’t really get very deep into Daemonsgate. I’m not entirely sure if the version I have is complete or not. It’s hard to tell with these old “lost” RPGs how finished they are. I never even figured out what the first objective was, as the game just begins. No story. No sign post. Nothing. Just “welcome to a town.” A town where all the doors are locked. You’re left to your own devices to figure out what to do. There’s a knife that you have to equip to one of your two hands. There’s guys who walk around with an L that you CAN attack, but they run away without fighting. I’m not sure whether or not I committed murder on them or played the game right. There’s also enemies walking around that you have to fight. Call me spoiled by modern games but, with an RPG, I prefer to at least want to have an idea of what I’m supposed to be doing to start the game. If you’re desperate for some RPG action, well.. I think there’s like ten thousand different options out there without turning to an obscure Atari Lynx non-release.
NOT WORTH A LOOK

Desert Strike: Return to the Gulf
Year: 1993
Developed by Granite Bay Software
Published by Electronic Arts

This actually doesn’t look too much worse than the SNES version. I wouldn’t want to ever play either. Good lord. Boring.

I’m not really that familiar with the EA “Strike” franchise. As in, I’m fairly sure this is my first time ever playing it. This probably wasn’t the best game to start with, as it’s too low resolution and lacks the buttons to do what the game asks. Or saw I thought. When I fired up the SNES version to compare it, I was stunned. Same map. Same objectives. Same control issues. Desert Strike for Lynx is actually a really good port, it would seem. Of course, the base game has to be good, and I don’t really think this is fun at all. And I don’t even think it was trying to be. Maybe it’s better on other consoles, but I doubt it. For example, there’s on-foot enemies that fire upon you from the ground. They’re green. There’s also friendly foot soldiers you have to pick-up with your helicopter. They’re.. also green. Really, you can only tell which is which by whether or not they fire upon you. Since you don’t exactly have quick reaction times in this clunky chopper, it’s not like dodging their gunfire is an option.

See these things? They have extra gas and extra missiles. You have sit and pump them with so many normal bullets that it’s just a miserable slog.

In fact, that’s a big problem with the game: with the cramped screen, you’re flying into danger constantly. Some kind of warning indicators would have been nice. Logical too, since you’re in a helicopter and should be able to see many things from it. The other big problem, and this is the one that made me quit: just how spongy everything is. You have limited missiles and limited fuel, and yet even the targets you have to shoot to refill these things just suck up all the bullets you fire like you’re shooting Tic Tacs at them. I mean seriously, it’s SIXTEEN BULLETS to open these things up, and they’re the only things that don’t shoot back. Kiss my ass, Desert Strike. You weren’t even trying to be fun, so I don’t feel really inclined to give you any further consideration. Next time, try to remember you’re f’n video game.
Verdict: NO!

Dinolympics
Year: 1992
Developed by Imagitec Design

Folks, some games just aren’t for me, and that’s The Humans. Or Dinolympics or whatever it calls itself this time. I can’t really say it’s AWFUL or anything, but the day I actually spend my free time playing this slow, boring, clunky thing is the day I fill a turkey baster black market semen, spread my legs, and impale my waistband treble clef on it.

Man, I pictured this game totally different in my head, based on the name. But, Dinolympics is just another version of The Humans with yet another new moniker. Owners of Atari 50 will recall that it went by the name “Evolution Dino Dudes” on the Jaguar. Apparently here, it was meant to be called “Dino Dudes” and the Jaguar version was originally intended to be called “Dino World.” Now, I really hated Evolution Dino Dudes when I played it on Atari 50. It’s clunky and unintuitive. I suspect this would be solved on a PC, but that’s irrelevant to playing this on Jaguar, or especially Lynx, which really isn’t optimized for this.

To the game’s credit, I liked the throwing meter better on Lynx than Jaguar.

I’m really into puzzle games, so hypothetically, this should be right up my alley. Yet, I really can’t stress enough how boring I find The Humans formula to be, and how misguided including a timer is. The timer really ruins the experience. It’s a puzzler that penalizes you for.. you know.. thinking. Thinking about what to do next. Thinking about your different options. Thinking about whether you should delete the ROM from your computer and never play it again. With all the issues this formula has with the interface and movement of the characters, and having to be very precise on the decisions you make, adding a timer is like asking someone to put together a jigsaw puzzle inside a washing machine. Ultimately, I think Lemmings is where I draw the line. You must have at least that much pep in your step, and Lemmings has next to no pep. The Humans is somewhere behind it, and it can’t hold my interest. It’s not you, Humans. It’s me.
Verdict: NO!

Dirty Larry: Renegade Cop
Year: 1992
Developed by Knight Technologies

Available on Antstream

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See the above slideshow? Yes, that is a junkie lighting themselves on fire before suicide-attacking you. I know I play the role of a psychotic game critic, but holy crap.. my jaw literally dropped. Golly, do I wish the game lived up to the reaction I had. Instead, Dirty Larry is one of the worst games on Atari Lynx. And I use the term “game” in the loosest possible sense. There’s LCD games with more gameplay than this thing offers. A very, very rudimentary brawler/shooter hybrid where you walk right, shoot the enemy or two that walk onto the screen, and then walk to the right more. The action is incredibly repetitive and there’s basically nothing to do but fight the same handful of enemies over and over again. And.. that’s the whole game. And I’m not exaggerating. That’s literally the whole game.

When a game goes the extra mile in personality and charm but plays THIS badly, I just find it obnoxious. Like.. you do get that the actual object is to make a FUN game, right? So, why are you wasting time working on jokes and visual gags? IS THE GAME FUN? No? Then go make fun!

Dirty Larry looks great! It sure seems like it’s going to be a fun time. It’s not. Personality is no substitute for gameplay, and Dirty Larry not only has dull gameplay, but then it actively takes steps towards being worse than it has to be. Fun weapons like machine guns? You don’t want them. They cause you to burn through your valuable ammo too quickly. You really don’t want to do that, because if you do run out of bullets, punching is basically worthless. Even the most basic enemies will knife you if you get too close. Which you have to, because.. you know.. it’s punching. There’s no OOMPH to the punches either. Even lowly, historically maligned Urban Champion has OOMPH. This feels like shadow puppets throwing punches. You can jump over bullets, but they fire at a rate where you’ll have to keep jumping and hope you have enough time to squeeze a round off. There’s no advanced hand-to-hand combat. You get one basic punch and whatever weapons you can get. Also, you only get one life. Frankly, one life for this game is one too many.
Verdict: NO!

Double Dragon
Year: 1993
Developed by Technos

It looks great! Very impressive sprite size, and not just that, but sprites that look closer to the arcade version than even the NES pulled off. But, you don’t play screenshots. You play the games they come from. Very few “technical showcase” Lynx games are actually fun.

Speaking of OOMPH, here’s the original king of arcade punch-em-ups. On the surface, Double Dragon looks like a pretty good port of the arcade game. In screenshots, it can look really good. But, it can also look like this:

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Those shots are unaltered. Huh. So, really, those large sprites aren’t worth all that much, are they? No matter how nice they look, when the action can take place in a literal gray void, it negates their value. And, frankly, the arcade-like large sprites didn’t lend themselves to good gameplay. My beloved OOMPH is completely gone. The violence in the Lynx port of Double Dragon is feathery and light. Jumping is basically worthless, except in those areas where you need to jump. I fully confess that, if I hadn’t been able to rewind, I’d probably not made it past those areas. Rewind also saved my bacon from falling to my death because the puny Lynx screen wasn’t big enough to let me know I was about to scroll myself directly into a pit.

“Bruh.. you literally brought a gun to a fist fight? Party foul!”

I actually think brawlers aren’t a bad fit for a handheld. They’re low-commitment, pick-up-and-play experiences. But, they still need to bring the goods the genre is famous for in the first place, or what’s the point? I don’t think Double Dragon on Lynx even comes close. It’s so slow and clunky. I found myself, even on higher difficulties, just throwing guys by the hair willy-nilly, with no effort. The knife disappears after one use, but the bat or whip stays with you for the duration of the level if you can go without getting hit. The bat especially had timing that allowed me to not even allow enemies a single frame of recovery animation before I was Hank Aaronifying them back to the pavement. Ultimately, Double Dragon, despite the impressive sprites, feels SHOCKINGLY low-tech, and it makes for a dull port of an otherwise beloved game. I loves me some Double Dragon, but that doesn’t mean it belongs on every platform.
Verdict: NO!

Dracula the Undead
Year: 1992
Developed by Hand Made Software, Ltd

EVERCADE: Atari Lynx Collection Vol. 1

Bram Stoker, in a bathrobe, flipping through pages of his own book with animation that makes it look like Bram is having a stoker.. in his pants.

WHY WOULD THIS EVEN BE ON THE ATARI LYNX?

Sorry. I’ll try to be more professARE YOU GODDAMNED F*CKING KIDDING ME?

Sorry again.

So, yea, this is a point and click adventure that aspires to closely follow the book by the bathrobe-wearing mofo pictured above, who.. fun fact.. also served two terms as President of the United States under his pen name “Ulysses S. Grant” and.. actual fact.. didn’t base Dracula on ANYONE. No, Dracula wasn’t Vlad the Impaler. Do you know why Stoker chose the name “Dracula?” Because he mistakenly thought it was the Romanian word for “devil.” Bram Stoker was a copious note taker, yet his notes didn’t mention one single historical figure. Literally none. Not Vlad III, Elizabeth Bathory, or even Ivan the Terrible. None. Zilch. Zero. Speaking of the book, in 2009, a sequel by Bram Stoker’s great-grandnephew Darce Stoker released. Its name? Dracula the Un-Dead. Really! Sarah, my god-sister, insists that it’s pretty good, too, though critics seem to disagree.

The interface is horribly clunky. Calling this a “point and click” isn’t accurate because you have to physically walk about the room. “Stagger and Click” adventure doesn’t have the same ring to it. “Lumber and Menu Examine” really is a mouthful, but it’s L.A.M.E. for short so I’ll go with it.

None of that has anything to do with this game, but I had to talk about something. The interface is so weirdly done. You have to walk around the room, press a button to scroll through a menu, and then another button to activate it. It tries so hard to help you out. The menu is divided into two halves, a verb on the left, a noun on the right, that are simple to switch between. But, try as they might, it just never feels intuitive. Worse yet: there was no way to save the game in 1991. That doesn’t matter here, where I can freely use save states, but still, that’s a dumb idea for a point and click game. In fairness, you can finish the whole thing in under an hour or two. Of course, you’ll spend most of that time stumbling around the rooms with one of the worst interfaces I’ve ever encountered and graphics not suitable for exploration.

Whenever anything significant happens, you have to manually input the options “USE – NOTEBOOK” in the menu. Some of these things are one-time only events that, if you miss making the note, you apparently can’t finish the game. What a STUPID concept.

There’s issues with the sense of depth, and the “collision boxes” for lack of a better term are often too small and make finding key aspects a chore. Hell, finding the doors just to navigate in and out of rooms is frustrating. Some elements, like windows, are literally up against the camera that you’re viewing the action. This is just a terrible game. Granted, this isn’t a genre I would ever voluntarily play.. well, obviously that’s not true because, well, I’m on my third paragraph now and about to go to a fourth.. but, point and click games came about because the technology at the time didn’t allow for full 3D environments. Dracula tries to be ahead of its time with 3D movement and exploration instead of a cursor. Instead of being ahead of its time, it makes an already tedious genre pretty miserable to play.

Oh, and then it becomes Crazy Climber.

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Yea, I didn’t see that coming. So, to explore the castle, you climb out the windows and shimmy along the bricks. As far as I can tell, you can’t die and there’s no fail condition for this element. There’s invisible walls that prevent you from aimlessly wandering around. Does it make the game more fun? Not really. The thing that surprised me most of all is how abruptly it ends. This is like 5% of the Dracula book. Once you successfully escape the castle with Jonathan Harker, the game cuts back to Bram Stoker, who is like “and that was enough and someone staked Dracula. THE END!” Uh.. wait, really? Seriously? Okay. Yea, this sucked. Heh.. sucked. It’s funny because it’s Dracula.
Verdict: NO!

Part Two will eventually be released to Indie Gamer Chick!
Check out other Atari features at IGC!
Atari 50: The Games They Couldn’t Include!
Part OnePart TwoPart ThreeE.T.Planet of the Apes/Alligator People
The Making of Karateka: The Definitive Review
Atari 50: The Definitive Review – Part One

Krull (Arcade Review)

Gottlieb, much more famous for their pinball tables, really only had one “hit” video game during the Golden Age of Arcades. That certainly wasn’t Krull, a movie license they only “scored” because Columbia Pictures owned them at the time, and they happened to be the distributors of the film. They also did a pinball machine, but only ten units were made of it before it failed to attract any attention in route testing and was cancelled. It turns out, a movie license is only valuable if people actually go and see the movie. Who knew? Krull, Columbia’s “why not us?” Star Wars wannabe that weirdly combined Lord of the Rings with King Arthur in a space setting, cost as much as $30,000,000 to make (nearly $100M in today’s money). I’ve seen the film a couple times and I always stare at the screen in complete shock, wondering where it all went. It just looks like a silly b-movie. An especially cheap one, even for the time period. The end result: Krull barely earned half its budget back and was a legendary box office bomb. Well, yea. Even my father, who loves EVERY movie, calls Krull an, exact quote, “epic mess that runs hot and cold.” I think that might actually be the meanest thing he’s ever said in his life. Critics hated it too. When the buzz on a movie is that it’s boring, frankly, it doesn’t bode well for a game’s success, regardless of how good the game is.

As for Gottlieb’s one hit game? Well.. it did pretty okay.

And actually, Krull isn’t a bad little arcade game. I wouldn’t say it’s AWESOME by any stretch, but I expected to play it for an hour or two and instead put in over six hours. I guess it can’t suck too bad. It’s a multi-screened twin-stick adventure where you have to guide Frodo Skywalker.. excuse me, “Colwyn”.. through five different screens based on various scenes in the movie. One of those screens IS NOT the battle with Shelob.. excuse me, the “Crystal Spider“.. even though this scene is in the Atari 2600 version of the game. Golly, I can’t imagine why the arcade game did bad. The most memorable scene in the entire film AND ONE THAT LENDS ITSELF SPECIFICALLY WELL TO VIDEO GAME ADAPTION and they didn’t bother using it. I actually wondered if Atari had some kind of legal dibs on it. In reality, Atari bought the film rights with plans to port the arcade game to the Atari 5200. Instead, after both the film and arcade game bombed, they just made their own game, and instead of the 5200, they put it on the 2600. Weird.

To Krull’s credit, the challenge looks overwhelming, but actually, it’s not that bad. Great collision detection helps. Also I hate it when the screens are oriented differently. It makes the layout of my review harder to do.

The first level is the only one that doesn’t involve shooting. In it, you run up a mountain while avoiding boulders. The object is to collect the five randomly-placed pieces of the Glaive. That’s the galactic boomerang everybody thinks of when they think of Krull. After you collect all five pieces, the actual action part of this action game begins and Krull essentially turns into Robotron, only with a galactic boomerang instead of a gun. Like Robotron, the next two levels are based around trying to rescue people while taking out swarms of enemies with some twin-stick shooting. The “soldiers” you rescue have apparently lost their will to live and will charge with suicidal determination into the enemy hordes. Despite being specifically called “soldiers” they don’t actually fight or anything. It’s as they gained Wreck It Ralph-like sentience and said “wait.. I’m in the goddamned KRULL game? Screw it. I want to die. I choose death.”

You think I’m exaggerating? Oh no. They are programmed SPECIFICALLY to run away from you.

In the first action stage, the level ends when all the humans are either collected or killed by the enemies AND THEN you exterminate all the enemies. In the third stage (and second action stage), you have to once again rescue all the soldiers and the stage ends when you get them. The twist is, this time, when you pick them up, a little hexagon appears that you have to deliver them to. Or, you can just wait for it to come to you, because it will. Assuming it doesn’t get hung-up on the scenery. It happens. In fairness to the hexagon, it’ll happen to you, the player, as well. Yea, this is easily the most sloppy and haphazardly handled of the stages. Mind you, I had instances where I beat the fourth stage in about two seconds, so that’s saying something.

It looks almost Zelda-like, doesn’t it? Since this came out a couple years before Zelda, I wouldn’t be shocked if this had fans in Kyoto. Oh and that cluster of little rocks in the center of the stage is the bane of my existence. I kept getting stuck on them. The controls were spot on EXCEPT on this stage.

In the fourth stage, you have to rescue the soldiers from a giant hexagon prison. At this point, I’m not even sure what I need their help for. Instead of charging forward towards the big bad guy, I now had to mount three rescues of these guys, apparently so they can wave to the screen after I save the princess. A princess I would have saved hours ago if not for all the many, many times I had to save their sorry asses getting there. In a way, I get it. If you go to all this trouble to rescue a princess, you’ll want witnesses. You know, for the bar stories that’ll no doubt follow. Anyway, in this stage, you have to wait for the wall to turn black and throw one of your Glaives at it. The walls have no hit-points, so if it’s black, the section vanishes instantly. If it’s any color but black, the galactic boomerang will get stuck in the wall for a few seconds. Don’t worry though. You can throw four of them at once. I don’t think that’s from the movie. If luck is on your side, you could win the fourth screen before a single enemy spawns. Even when the game ramped-up the difficulty as I got good enough to make it four or five cycles in, this is the only screen I never felt like I came close to dying on. In fact, I think I lost one life the whole time and that was when I walked into the wall.

I did like how the color was seemingly chosen at random each time I played this. Nice touch.

The final level is the ultimate encounter with “The Beast.” Now, in the movie, despite the effects and backgrounds looking really cheap, The Beast at least looks scary. Well, sometimes, at least. Sometimes it looks like an adorable, inquisitive baby King Kong wearing a Phantom of the Opera mask. I bring this up, because this is what it looks like in the game.

Fail, and also, the area you fight it in looks nothing like the area the final encounter in the movie takes place in. It makes me wish they’d done one of those tricks of the 8-bit era where you paint a giant background and then use clever animation to make it look like you’re really fighting a humongous boss. Like in Contra, or if you want a more recent example, the NES indie Garbage Pail Kids. The Beast throws fireballs at you, and while you can deflect the fireballs for points with the Glaive(s), the object is really to run to the end of the stage and reach the princess. Again, to the game’s credit, it more or less followed the plot of the movie. And now, I’d really love to know why there’s no giant glass spider battle in this game. Because, actually, Gottlieb did a pretty dang good job adapting Krull to the format. The Glaive is a fun weapon to use and the combat is nice and satisfying. Sure, two of the five levels aren’t very fun, BUT, three of the five work pretty dang well, and I really didn’t expect that, nor did I expect Krull to hold up. It does. Barely, but hey, most of the games I play are BARELY noteworthy. It still beats being unremarkable, right?

After this, the levels recycle at high difficulties, only without the explanation screens. Oh, and worth noting: the same technology that made Q*Bert swear is used to much better effect here. Krull’s digital screams and moans are almost chilling. I do wish the color scheme was better.

It’s not like those who never played the Krull game missed out on a masterpiece or anything like that. It’s certainly not that amazing. I’m more surprised that it rose to the level of being decent, if not outright pretty good. Sure, it’s annoying that the soldiers just run right to their deaths. I had some levels where a perfect score was out of reach within just a second or two because one of “my guys” charged right into enemy fire. Given how many times they got kidnapped, I assume it was out of spite for me being the chosen one. Otherwise, the most annoying thing in the whole game was getting hung-up on the level geometry on the third wave. What’s remarkable is the game doesn’t feel the way I expected it to feel. Generic. Bland. Soulless. Krull avoids all that, and that’s quite the accomplishment for a licensed game mandated by corporate synergy. Such projects rarely produce satisfactory results, and in this title’s case, a money-losing movie begat a money-losing game. Yet, Krull is much better as a game than it ever was as a movie. And, we’ll never see it get a proper release and celebration for what it accomplished. Ever. It turns forty years old this month, and it’s gone. Forever. It’s a crying shame. Oh sure, you can emulate on MAME, like I did. But, I kind of think there’s real value in Krull as both a gaming experience and a lesson to indie developers looking to make the leap to the next level. Sometimes success, or lack thereof, is completely out of your hands.

Krull is Chick-Approved

Krull was developed by Gottlieb

Violent Storm (1993 Arcade Review)

I don’t want Indie Gamer Chick to end up as a mostly-brawling-review site, but I’ll be damned if it hasn’t become the dominant genre here. There’s a logical reason for this: whenever I play one brawler, I’ll get several recommendations for other brawlers from various people. It’s like Gremlins, only you don’t need water to multiply it. And brawlers, despite the sameness of them, lend themselves well to my review style. They go quick and it’s easy to figure out where they go right or wrong. Plus, a lot of them have fallen off the face of the Earth, and I’m big on the whole “rescue a game from obscurity” thing. So, here’s a fighter that turns 30 this month and hasn’t gotten a home release.. ever.

If I had been asked who developed this, I’d of guessed Capcom. Instead, this is a Konami game, and it feels like it’s a game with contempt for Final Fight. As in a direct clapback at Final Fight. It has a “shots fired” vibe to it.

Today’s review of a classic “lost” fisticuffs simulator isn’t even a licensed game. Violent Storm is one of Konami’s last tradition beat-em-ups and seems to be heavily inspired by the anime Fist of the North Star. And by “inspired” I mean “holy crap this IS just Fist of the North Star with the serial number filed off.” Both take place in a post-nuclear war apocalyptic wasteland that’s represented by everybody looking like a cross between a patrons of a meth lab and extras from Deliverance. It’s also a direct satire of Final Fight, and by that, I mean it is nearly beat-for-beat Final Fight. It even mimics the same set pieces.

In fact, it’s kind of shameless about it. One of the early bosses is fighting a wrestler in a ring, only there’s a cage around it this time. Other set-pieces are close, and even last level looks a LOT like the last level from Final Fight, only if a riot had taken place inside it before the characters show up. It’s a very direct satire of Capcom’s beat-em-ups. Only, it has a LOT more personality than Final Fight. Then again, chicken pox have more personality than Final Fight.

I’m not the biggest fan of Final Fight. I should be, logically. For a brawler, I cherish the violence feeling like it has real world weight and momentum to it. Final Fight nails that. Yet, I just find the whole thing boring to the point of exhaustion. I’m now 100% convinced this must have been a result of the lack of personality in Final Fight. Violent Storm has the same two-button combat, but here, it feels so much more fluid and fast-paced. Final Fight has a sloginess to it that isn’t present here. Violent Storm cuts a blistering pace, especially if you play co-op. It also loads the scenery down with sight gags and LOL moments. If you see a guy sleeping on a park bench, you can beat him up. See a guy standing on the edge of a dock? You can knock him in the water. A guy sitting on the edge of a door to a train? Throw his ass out. It’s all really comical and over-the-top, but it also made these generic levels a blast.

As a co-op experience, it took Angela and me 25 minutes to finish Violent Storm, and that 25 minutes INCLUDES the time it took for us to figure out how to get the dogs to stop fighting. You see, in the middle of us playing Violent Storm, Laika, my seizure response dog, and Fireball, Angela’s bestie and constant companion, hopped up onto the couch and started fighting. On us. “Look, I don’t like doing this anymore than you do, Fireball, but apparently, this is what the upright walkers are into.” “Agreed. We’ve been going at this all wrong. We’ve been sitting down and rolling over to get treats, when really, it appears they just really like violence.” “Well, old friend, whatever it takes for them to give us a treat. Where shall this fight take place?” “Let’s just get onto the couch with them and have a scuff-up. Why not? It’s not like it’ll completely interrupt what they’re doing.”

Now, in fairness, not all is well with Violent Storm. Some of the enemies have a tendency to linger outside the screen, and luring them to the center is annoying. It’s nowhere near as constant as Ninja Turtles on the Genesis, but when it happens in Violent Storm, it’s even more annoying because it completely halts the otherwise non-stop action. There’s also only three characters, much like Final Fight. While each of the characters feels unique compared to each-other, really? Three? That’s it? You couldn’t have programmed just one more? When we finished our co-op round, the non-gamer Angela, who just beat Alien vs. Predator with me a couple days ago, said “this feels low budget, even for the era.” She’s right. Violent Storm feels like a game thrown together REALLY quick to fill a release schedule out, where people gathered around work stations, cackling and saying “yea, put THAT in, too!”

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To the Violent Storm’s credit, each of the three fighters is fun to play and MOST of the enemies are fun to do battle with. Only the last boss, who spits puddles of acid that linger on the playfield, crossed the line into frustration. Your typical arcade “final quarter shakedown” last boss. The combat is also a little more thoughtful than Final Fight. For example: an enemy knocked down might start to kick at you if you get too close as they get up. To balance this out, you can also attack enemies while they’re down (this was the toughest move to pull off consistently). It makes it feel a little more authentically fight-like, you know? If someone kidnapped a person’s girlfriend and then sent hundreds of minions to stop them from getting her back, I can’t imagine the heroes would be so heroic that they wouldn’t cave someone’s head in with a stomp after taking them down to the ground. Heavier enemies are also harder to throw. They trigger button-mashing moments and will splatter you on the pavement for extra damage if you don’t do it right. While Violent Storm is always satirical, there’s also this underlying authenticity that makes it delightful. Meanwhile, the game is loaded with tons of visual gags and comical items to pick up. The first boss wears a pillow case over their head, and when you knock it off them, you can pick up the pillow case for points. Come on, that’s hilarious!

AAAAHHHHHH WHAT A RUSH!!

I’d probably feel different about Violent Storm if it wasn’t such a quick game. While the constant comedic bits in the background were delightful, there’s nothing in the actual gameplay that breaks up the monotony except the very rare environmental hazard. One level has smelting molds that will burn both you and enemies badly if you touch the molten steel. Another area has a hydraulic press that instakills enemies by flattening them into comical pancakes, a visual that looks like it was meant for a more shell-oriented game if you catch my drift. But, otherwise, what you see is what you get. At the same time, this really did stretch the combat potential of two-button beat-em-up design to the absolute limits, and gives you just enough moves with just enough gameplay to not get boring. Honestly, if I were to introduce a newcomer to this genre, I might pick this as the entry point game. It’s a cinch to learn all the moves and it’s a damn good time while it lasts. It’s the perfect arcade punch-em-up. Yea. No joke. Really. Good job.

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If Konami ever gets off their asses and puts out Violent Storm as part of an arcade compilation, it’s certainly good enough to be more than just a simple +1 to a collection. Hell, it could conceivably be a highlight to such a set. I still think AvP is the superior arcade brawler, but Violent Storm was good enough for me to have to think about it. Quite a lot, actually. I beat this three times in a row this morning. Twice solo, once co-op. And I never got bored! Three sessions in a row! What? That never happens with me. I figured, going off the name, this was going to be some kind of brutally violent take on the brawler, but actually, there’s no gore and the whole thing is so cartoonish that it can’t be taken seriously. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Violent Storm shouldn’t have gotten snubbed for a home release for three full decades now. How do we live in a world where Nintendo has re-released their 1983 Baseball on every platform since the Gamecube, but a game like Violent Storm can’t even get a slot on a classic collection even thirty years later? It doesn’t even have a license holding it back. A hurdle that didn’t stop them from re-releasing Ninja Turtles, come to think of it. Come on, Konami! Do you just not want our money?

Violent Storm is Chick-Approved.

Violent Storm was developed by Konami

Arcade Archives: King & Balloon (Review)

Back in January, I reviewed King & Balloon, which is my personal favorite Namco shooter. Sorry Galaga and Galaxian fans. Not only was King & Balloon one of the best games to emerge in the wake of Space Invaders, but it was one of THE most underrated games of the Golden Age of Arcades. Well, a couple weeks ago, Hamster gave it a solo release as part of their Arcade Archives franchise. Everything I said about the game in my original review still applies, but Arcade Archives offers a few extra features for the $7.99 price tag. It also allows players to enjoy the game on their Nintendo Switch. Which might be the best feature of all, but I’ll get to that. First, go click that link and read my original review. Especially since I’m going to ignore the gameplay mechanics here and talk about the package.

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Like EVERY Arcade Archives release, there’s two competitive modes: “hi-score” and “caravan.” Caravan runs on a five minute timer that starts as soon as the enemies spawn for the first time. Hi-score just goes on until you die. Both have strict rules that forbid pausing the game. If you do, game over. You don’t get to upload your score, even if you were kicking ass and taking names. I’ve never understood the ordering there. Shouldn’t you take their names down BEFORE you kick their ass? Personally, I’d be a lot less inclined to give a person who just kicked me in the ass my name. I’d want THEIR name. You know.. for the lawsuit for damaging my beautiful, bony ass. Anyway, pause and you have to start over. There’s no gameplay options for these two modes (however, autofire and any adjustments to the screen you make in the standard mode will be applied here) but there’s also no cheating. You can’t say that about the standard mode. See my review of Arcade Archives: Pinball for more details on that, but needless to say, they don’t make note if you used save states or not in the high scores.

Mind you, everything I love about King & Balloon is still here, and the five minute timer in Caravan further adds to the deceptively complex strategy. You’re best served to avoid this type of swarming attack and allow the balloons to Megazordtogether. They score A LOT MORE points when they do.

You also get the option to run the game at the “original speed” but I really couldn’t notice a difference. The real reason to buy King & Balloon as part of the Arcade Archives series is if you own a Nintendo Switch and want an authentic Golden Age of Arcades release that works perfect as a portable game. King & Balloon is wonderful for short play sessions. It provides the type of thrilling, white-knuckle gallery shooting that would be jammed-up today with loud visuals and too much downtime, and it’s challenging enough that you’d be lucky to last ten minutes. That makes it ideal for handheld devices, as far as forty-three year old coin-ops go. It’s still beyond ridiculous that only three Namco Museums have ever included it, one of which never came out in America and one of which was the weird à la carte Namco Museum on Xbox back in the day. But, King & Balloon finally has a chance now to be appreciated as its own thing. Sure, I wish the game had more sophisticated scoring. Perhaps one that rewards players for consecutive made shots. But, I still adore this charming little gallery shooter. It’s one gaming tragedy that now has a legit shot a happy ending.

Arcade Archives: King & Balloon is Chick-Approved

King & Balloon was developed by Namco
Published by Hamster
Point of Sale: Nintendo Switch, PlayStation Store

$7.99 was full of hot air in the making of this review.

Alien vs. Predator (1994 Arcade Review)

Continuing my run of arcade games that haven’t seen the light of day in decades, only this time it’s not 100% accurate. Because, technically, Alien vs. Predator has been re-released as part of the ugliest plug-and-play arcade device I’ve ever seen. One of the most “Huh?” and “Wha?” releases I’ve ever seen, and that’s before you even see what the plug and play looks like. Because, seriously, it looks like this..

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Yes, that’s real. BUT, it does have a hell of a lineup. Sixteen heavy-hitters are there, including some of my favorites. Puzzle Fighter? There. 1944: Loop Master? There. Even stuff I hate like Strider or Ghosts ‘n Goblins are there. Most importantly: this is the only OFFICIAL home release of Alien vs. Predator.. as in the actual 1994 Capcom arcade brawler, to ever happen. Yea, it’s true. Weird. Random. I believe it only came out in the UK, so check Amazon or a local retailer near you to see if they have it in stock (they likely don’t). I think it looks dumb, but I’ve heard it’s a very good build quality. Meanwhile, us yanks have been S.O.L. when it comes to re-releases of Alien vs. Predator. BUT, I’m very optimistic we’ll see a re-release soon. PROBABLY as an Arcade1Up, but, I’m guessing a solo release too. Either way, I’m getting ahead of the curve. Because Alien vs. Predator is probably the best brawler Capcom ever put out. It’s f’n Capcom, so that’s saying something.

Two of the playable characters are Predators and both are fun to use. One is a human male who is slow and clunky but packs a punch. Then there’s the chick, and she turned out to be pretty dang good. Honestly, I know people expect to play an Alien vs. Predator game for the Predators, but actually, the humans are fun to use as well.

Believe in the hype on this one. Probably the weakest aspect is that the seven levels couldn’t be more generic if they were actively trying. But, the combat, variety of enemies, and the difference between the four main characters couldn’t be more startling.. or awesome. This is especially helped by having some of the best OOMPH of any brawler, ever. OOMPH is my pet term for violence in video games having authentic weight and inertia to it. When you hit something in AvP, it just SEEMS like you’re causing to pain to whatever you just smacked. Capcom were the masters of this and had this down to a science by this point of their existence, so that shouldn’t be a surprise. What really impressed me was that even the bullets and weapons had this correct. That’s something that is often lacking from your Final Fights or Knights of the Round or even later with your Armored Warriors. Cadillacs and Dinosaurs came close, but AvP is the most Oomphful brawler I’ve played, and that makes it a joy to play.

FYI, this time around, I did play AvP co-op. Just not on the typical platform I use for this feature. When I tried, it refused to recognize two different controllers. We actually have a dedicated MAME cabinet, but it’s not hooked-up online and it’s not convenient to transfer screen-caps from platform to platform. Rest assured, my father and I had an absolute blast. Old man Oscar isn’t the biggest brawler fan, but the full experienced only took about 45 minutes to finish and it just never gets a chance to get old.

My father didn’t even mind the set pieces. Oh I did. Actually, let me rephrase that: there were NO set pieces. If you’re going to give us seven levels of AvP, come on, go nuts. Be wacky. Get weird. Mix in some different gameplay to break-up the fisticuffs. While this brawler has a lot more personality than most games in the genre, it also doesn’t experiment or do anything at all to change-up the core gameplay. There’s an elevator level, because of course there is. I’m convinced at this point that if you wanted to make a side-scrolling beat-em-up in the 90s, you had to include an elevator level, or else you had to pay a fine or something. Or maybe you had to eat turkey you found in a garbage can. That’d be a fitting punishment. “What’s for dinner?” “GARBAGE TURKEY!” “Do I have to?” “We warned you to include an elevator.” “You did, but.. everybody has an elevator.” “AND EVERYBODY GOT TO AVOID EATING GARBAGE TURKEY…….. until you.” Then came the tears and begging. This happened.

The Alien Queen also shows up twice and doubles as the last boss, though it attacks differently the second time around. Eh, okay, fine, the bosses are a let-down too.

My father asked me if anyone actually pays attention to the backgrounds during these games. Well.. yea, Daddio. That’s what makes them feel real. If it was the same background over and over again, I’d think we’d notice. Say what you will about The Simpsons arcade game, but I’ll never forget that Moe’s Tavern is basically the size of an airport runway. Turtles in Time’s Neon Night Riders is one of THE most memorable aspects of the game. It’s not just a Hanna-Barbera-like wallpaper that repeats the same three backgrounds. These games work best when there’s a memorable setting. It’s part of what allows our suspension of disbelief that we’re not just manipulating a series of 1s and 0s shaped vaguely like characters from movies and comic books. It does matter, and Capcom was really bad at creating memorable set-pieces. Sorry, fans, but it’s true. Don’t get me wrong: I’m happy they focused on gameplay, but I think if Alien vs. Predator isn’t considered one of the all-time greats of arcades, it’s because it’s really generic outside of the character designs.

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I suppose I do have to call out the bosses as well. They weren’t crappy, per se. But, yea, they also lacked personality. I mean, the Xenomorphs aren’t exactly generic movie monsters, are they? Yet, they’re sort of reduced to that in Alien vs. Predator. Perhaps too much of a good thing. You do fight a rogue Predator at one point, but it’s probably the most dull battle in the game. You also slay plenty of humans and also fight a giant mech twice, and both times my father wondered out-loud if it inspired the mech suit from Avatar (it IS really close!). I don’t know what could have broken up this. Maybe the Xenomorphs should have been used more sparingly. Maybe it was the opposite problem as Cadillacs and Dinosaurs, which had not enough dinosaurs. Maybe this had too many Aliens, and it took the starch out of them when they were used as bosses. I don’t know what the answer is, but I do know that I don’t think this could have lasted even one more level before it started to wear out its welcome. Seven levels was the perfect length. Just spot-on perfect. I played this twice today. Once alone. Once with my father. I never got bored, but I think I was right on the cusp of it both times before the ending. Good call, Capcom. You absolutely nailed the length. You’re rarely perfect, but when you are, golly, you pick the right things to be perfect about.

Actually, THERE IS a section that breaks up the monotony: the convoy level. Do you know what the problem is? It happens too soon in the game. This should have happened around level five. Instead, it’s the third level, and it doesn’t have a memorable finale to it. It just.. ends. Oh, and your gun is always fully-charged and doesn’t “overheat” on this stage. I mean.. it’s nice but it ain’t all that.

If it seems like I’m being hard on Alien vs. Predator, it’s only because I really enjoyed it a lot. At the same time, it’s hardly perfect. There’s lessons to be learned in the flaws the truly great games make, and I’d say AvP crosses that threshold. It’s just under an hour of semi-mindless punchy perfection. The three-button gameplay is really nicely done. There’s punching, jumping, and there’s also a permanent projectile weapon. You can’t just spam the projectile. It overheats if you overdo it. My Dad couldn’t grasp this concept, whereas I spent most of my second game trying to pace it out. There’s also a massive variety of weapons that enemies drop, and in massive quantities too. I can’t remember a game that drops THIS many weapons. Credit where it’s due to designers Tetsuya Iijima, Toshihiko Uda, and Jun Matsumura: they figured out the “fun stuff” of previous brawlers and put a high premium on them. Picking up weapons the enemies drop and using them on other enemies? That’s fun. Well, hell.. let’s just go bonkers with that! WHY NOT? It doesn’t effect the difficulty at all. The game still presents a fair and frisky challenge for those seeking it. But, it also assures nobody can get bored. And you don’t. This is really spectacular.

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So, let it be said: sometimes a legend gets that status for a reason. Even when it was just me playing alone, Alien vs. Predator sealed its status as probably the best forty-five minutes of digital punching and kicking you can find. Well, if you can find it. Yea, you can emulate it, but a lot of people aren’t down with that. As much fun as I’ve had in 2023 finding these games that haven’t been re-released in forever, there’s something heartbreaking about it. An urgency that indie games don’t have. Because, there’s a strong chance that most licensed games couldn’t be re-released even if the studio wanted to.

We NEED to reform licensing in video games. Right now, it’s done the same way you’d license a toy to a toy manufacturer to do an action figure. You’re basically agreeing that, for a window of time, you have the right to make game, and when that window shuts, you don’t have that right anymore. Even though games take bigger teams and cost more money to develop than an action figure does, they’re more or less agreeing to the same basic terms and conditions. We need to change this. There should be a public outcry to change it. A game studio who makes a licensed game should ask for.. maybe even demand.. the right to re-release that specific game the license was written for.. FOREVER, without approval or renegotiating, with an agreement that the royalty will always be paid at the same rate. Companies don’t want to do this and will cite that a studio could re-release old games that eat into the profits of new games.

Imagine going to all the cost and effort of making a Three Stooges game and not being able to just re-release it without having to be at the mercy of the licensor. A licensor who has.. (checks notes) ah yes, ALL THE LEVERAGE! The basic language of a game license is almost unchanged since the days of Atari. Well, let’s reform that. The thing is, it only takes one studio to create a new standard. Just one. It’s not asking for the world. It’s not asking for an unlimited license FOREVER. It’s asking that, on specific projects, for the right to monetize and re-release THAT project on all future platforms. Does that sound totally unreasonable? Of course not. It sounds pretty similar to the types of deals a licensor would make for a motion picture. It only takes one studio to have the balls to step up and say “we’re spending millions making this game. Why are we taking all this massive risk on with only a small window.. maybe a couple years, maybe a full generation, but maybe not even that?” In fact, I dare say this will make licensed games more valuable and maybe even get the bidding up, especially if studios can re-release the project on all future generations. So, who’s going to step up? Because it’s time. YOU’RE NOT MAKING ACTION FIGURES! Stop making licensing deals like you are, because then we all suffer for it.

Well, we now have actual verifiable proof that’s bullcrap. In 2022, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles got both a classic collection AND a brand new release, within just a few months of each-other. FROM TWO DIFFERENT STUDIOS, NONETHELESS! Think about how unlikely that specific sequence of events is in gaming. Well, I’ve seen no evidence the audience for one cannibalized the audience for the other. They both did really well, and why wouldn’t they? It’s illogical to think one hurts the other. Fan bases don’t work that way. If anything, people are more likely to re-buy old games on new platforms just for the convenience, and the hype for the re-release of an old game will complement and even combine, Voltron-style, with the hype for a new game. Someone has to be the first to do this. I know that my audience is made up mostly of game developers, including many AAA execs. So, to you, my suited friend reading this, let me ask you something: someone is going to be the first to do this. Why not have it be you? If I devoted this site to nothing but lost licensed games, I will NEVER run out of material. This has to end. Now.

Alien vs. Predator is Chick-Approved


Alien vs. Predator was developed by Capcom

Bucky O’Hare (Arcade Review)

Bucky O’Hare was slightly before my time, though I did have a few VHS tapes of it as a child. It wasn’t my favorite, and besides the slappin’ theme song, I honestly don’t remember anything about it. It must have had a following, since when I played the NES game a few years ago, people said “oh yea, Bucky O’Hare! I remember that!” Konami had rotten luck betting on other cartoons that could have been as successful as Ninja Turtles or Simpsons. I already looked at Moo Mesa, but Bucky O’Hare was even less successful. It ultimately only had one season of thirteen episodes. Ouch. I have no idea how successful Moo Mesa or Bucky O’Hare were as arcade games. I just know that neither seems likely to ever see the light of day again. Or, maybe not. I mean, how much can it cost to license these failed properties. Because that’s what they are, right? Cynical, soulless attempts to ride another scorching-hot property’s coattails.

It LOOKS like it’s going to be fun. Oh, it’s not. It’s really, really not.

Bucky O’Hare: the NES game is a poor man’s Mega Man and very overrated itself. Bucky O’Hare the coin-op keeps the pew-pewing, but instead, it’s structured like a brawler (and probably used the same engine as Simpsons or Turtles in Time) except fisticuffs are replaced by shooting. It’s a run and gun game, but not like popular run & gunners such as Contra. No, the levels and pacing are still engineered exactly like TMNT or even Capcom’s brawlers. Waves of cannon-fodder enemies walk in and, instead of drilling them with your fists, you shoot them with your laser guns. And it’s boring. So incredibly mind-numbingly boring that I ain’t surprised they didn’t bother bringing this home.

Bucky isn’t very generous with health or hit points, but, the quick deaths allow you to bank the powerful bombs faster. When you lose a life, you get two more bombs every time, regardless of whether you used the bombs previously.

The issue is there’s no OOMPH at all to the combat. Neither the death animations or the sound design are built around making the laser escapades a fun and satisfying experience. At least in a brawler, you have the satisfaction of imagining yourself shattering the bones of the poor SOB you’re blasting the face of with an uppercut. You don’t have anything resembling that here. In fact, when you DO physically swing your arms at someone (if they’re in close range) it still underwhelms. All that’s left is to shooting with the four characters (and if there’s a difference between the four, I really couldn’t tell) and the guns just feel really weak and pathetic, even when you upgrade them.

Bosses are ultra-generic. If these come from the TV show, well, suddenly it makes a lot of sense why this never found an audience. On the plus side, they’re significantly less a chore to fight than I figured they would be.

Oddly enough, baddies aren’t as spongy as you would think. The one thing I can give Bucky credit for is the game skips along at a surprisingly blistering speed. Enemies might take as little as one shot to finish, and bosses don’t just suck up bullets either. I wasn’t expecting that. There’s also a much wider variety of moves than I figured. Like a brawler, you can jump and do jump kicks.. sometimes. I couldn’t consistently pull this off. But, I could do the “special attack” every single time with minimal issue. It’s done just like TMNT and other brawlers where you hit the jump and attack buttons at the same time. There’s no penalty for it and you can spam it as much as you want. Maybe that wasn’t so wise, as I kept doing this over and over. Bucky does very little to encourage you to play with finesse.

Don’t let the big, flashy set-pieces fool you: this is a complete chore to get through.

I was kind of peeved by Bucky O’Hare. It’s competent but so bland and vanilla that it feels like a game nobody wanted to make. And, no, I didn’t play it co-op. Co-op is NOT a cure-all for uninspired gameplay. Saying that co-op improves an experience like Bucky O’Hare is like saying turning a couch into to downhill street racer and then crashing it in spectacular fashion is better if you do it with friends or family. Of course it, because everything is better with friends. Yet, I bet if you tried telling these chucklef*cks they had a better time because at least they mangled their bodies with their friends, they might object to your definition of a “better time.”

Then, my annoyance with Bucky O’Hare, a complete nothing of a game, really went into overdrive. After five levels of pure nothingness, something happened. You hop into a spaceship and the game begins to scroll quickly, and.. hey wait, is Bucky O’Hare suddenly a space shmup oriented like a brawler? That’s new and different. And even worse.. holy crap.. IT WAS FUN! Like, very fun! That’s so frustrating because to get to the one section that’s worth playing, you have to slog through five miserable stages. Yet, that one level is one of the better times I’ve had in gaming in 2023. And it made me kind of angry.

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That should have been the whole game! Why not? At least it would have been original. Sadly, that’s the one and only level you can say that about. Thankfully, that level does last a lot longer than the car sequence from that automobile and prehistoric giant chicken game I reviewed earlier this year. But, once it’s over, it’s back to the same old walking and shooting with one pitiful upgrade to your gun. Bucky O’Hare is really a cartoony version of the 1990 Konami Aliens arcade game that was trying to appeal to the TMNT fanbase. It failed. Unlike Simpsons or Ninja Turtles, Bucky O’Hare didn’t have the slobbering fanbase that was starving for content. Yet, this game has fans. Some people just really like their games to be bland and lazy, I suppose. Imagine walking into an arcade in 1992 and the best time you have is playing Bucky O’Hare. How boring a person are you? I can’t believe such a thing happened. Especially since I figure such a person would be the type who got their lunch money taken.

Bucky O’Hare is not Chick Approved.

Bucky O’Hare was developed by Konami