Flowrider

Flowrider is a 2D hydro-racing game and not a water sport designed around constructing sailing vessels out of used sanitary napkins.  I’ve been trying to put out this review for a week now but haven’t yet been successful.  It’s not that Flowrider is a bad game.  Perhaps it has to do with this not exactly being my type of game.  You might as well ask me what I think of baseball or Jersey Shore.

Flowrider actually is a decent game.  You choose from one of four boats and race against various amounts of AI boats across various tracks.  By the way, can you guess what was today’s word of the day on my calendar?  All movement and throttle is done with the left stick, with turbo mapped to the right trigger.  It works well, but takes a while to get used to.  Meanwhile the courses are well designed, if sometimes too short.  Early on, the AI seems too good, but it’s actually very beatable once you get used to using the turbo at the right time.

I do have several complaints.  The game doesn’t always tell you what direction you’re supposed to go at the start, so it’s not uncommon for even seasoned race players to shoot off in the wrong direction.  Also, some races only last about twenty seconds, which is annoying if you’re playing online against other people.  It would be nice to set up multiple races at once rather than be dumped back to the menu after each one.  The camera isn’t always stellar at keeping up with the action, and it’s easy to lose track of which boat belongs to you when they all bunch up.

Honestly though, it doesn’t matter.  Flowrider is just fine as a game, and I even had some fun with it.  Which is weird because I fucking hate water.  I can’t stress that enough.  I don’t know how to swim, I don’t like boats, and if you handed me a teaspoon full of water I’m pretty sure I could easily figure out a way to drown in it.  I don’t know how easy it will be to find other players to play against in Flowrider, but I think the average racing fan will get their dollar’s worth out of this.  Christ, this review fucking sucked.  Maybe I’ve lost my touch.  Alright, that’s it.  I’m going to have to start showing my boobs I guess.

Had you going there for a second, didn’t I?

Flowrider was developed by Triple B Games

80 Microsoft Points thought Flowrider is when you surf the menstrual cycle of Cthulhu in the making of this review.  

A review copy of Flowrider was provided by Triple B Games to IndieGamerChick.com in this review.  The copy played by the Chick was purchased by her with her own Microsoft Points.  The review copy was given to a friend with the sole purpose of helping the Chick test online multiplayer.  That person had no feedback in this article.  For more information on this policy, please read the Developer Support page here. 

I’m celebrating 50,000 unique page views by giving away 1600 Microsoft Points to one lucky follower of mine on Facebook.  All you have to do is follow me for a chance to win!  Click the link, hit “Like” and you’re in!  The drawing will be held December 1, 2011.  I don’t spam with my Facebook.  I just post article updates and the occasional “thank you” when my site hits a milestone.  So what are you waiting for?  Enter already!

Monkey Madness

Who doesn’t love monkeys?  Well besides creationists or Charlton Heston?  Kids love them because they’re funny.  Adults love them because they amuse children.  PETA loves them because they’re a bunch of furries.  Scientists love them because hobos put up too much of a fight.  But I don’t love monkeys.  I hate them.  Damn dirty apes the whole lot of them.  They fling poo.  They make shitty movies with Clint Eastwood and Ronald Reagan.  And they star in crappy video games, like Monkey Madness.

It’s an arcade platformer where you play as the world’s least limber primate who attempts to make his way to the top of the screen.  On the default difficulty, “easy”, the game is fucking impossible to play.  The monkey moves like he’s been sprayed down with liquid nitrogen and thrown into a vat of tapioca pudding.  Such an act is completely immoral.  Well, unless you’re wearing a WPRC lab coat and you have the most wacky hypothesis any egghead has ever had, but I digress.

In order to complete a stage, you have to get to the top of the screen.  The screen is divided into seven sections, each a horizontal line that occasionally has a gap start sliding across it.  Jump through the gap, reach the next floor.  The problem is the gaps appear completely by random.  There’s no patterns so you can’t form a strategy.  If you fall back to the original floor, you lose a life.  This includes jumping up to the second platform and immediately falling through a gap that appears at random.  If you jump up and hit the wall above you, the monkey is knocked out for an insufferable amount of time, and if you fall through a gap that appears under you, the clock starts over.  You can make it to the next-to-last floor, get knocked out by a bad jump or an enemy, and fall all the way to the bottom, completely by chance.

On easy mode, the play control is incredibly stiff and unresponsive.  That’s because the difficulty modes aren’t so much about difficulty, but speed.  At Indie Gamer Chick, I play everything primarily on whatever the default difficulty level is.  So when I played Monkey Madness on the default easy difficulty, after thirty minutes I had no problem declaring it the worst video game I had every played in my entire life.

However, I always at least screw around a little bit on other difficulties when I play games for this site.  Not wanting to waste too much more time with this pile of shit, I skipped straight to hard.  That’s when I discovered that the difficulties actually control the speed of the game, not specifically the difficulty.  So hard mode is actually like playing the game on an acceptable level of speed.  “Well I’ll be a monkey’s aunt, the game is almost playable like this!” I thought.  Oh, it’s still horrible.  The collision detection and even the platform detection is way off.  But it WAS playable on hard.  So welcome to Opposite Land, where hard is easy.  In that spirit, I do declare that Monkey Madness is the best game ever!

Monkey Madness was developed by Phoebit

80 Microsoft Points are likely to be quoted out of context in the making of this review.

I’m celebrating 50,000 unique page views by giving away 1600 Microsoft Points to one lucky follower of mine on Facebook.  All you have to do is follow me for a chance to win!  Click the link, hit “Like” and you’re in!  The drawing will be held December 1, 2011.  I don’t spam with my Facebook.  I just post article updates and the occasional “thank you” when my site hits a milestone.  So what are you waiting for?  Enter already!

Gameplay footage courtesy of http://Indies.onPause.org

Avatar Chess

Avatar Chess is chess with avatars.  Yea.  I’m really not sure what else to say about it. It’s functional, and it features online play.  There’s multiple viewing options, including one where every piece is represented by various random avatars in a way that is im-fucking-possible to use.  I mean just look at it.

I'm actually not sure if this is Avatar Chess or a local production of West Side Story.

Even with the little icons over their heads, it’s annoying.  To make this in any way good, the game would need some specialized avatar suits.  Otherwise, what’s the point?  Plus, my avatar was the King.  The fucking KING!  My vagina has never been so insulted.

As far as the actual gameplay, it’s chess.  How good of chess is it?  So good that it’s bad, or awful, whatever the case may be.  The AI is fierce, even on easy mode.  I’ve never claimed to be a grandmaster, and that’s a good thing because easy mode ate me up and shit me out multiple times.  It always seems to make the best possible move.  Frustrating for me, but downright soul-crushing if you’re a chess novice like Brian or Bryce.  I figured something was up, so I tried the game on hard mode, and the AI did pretty much the same strategy, only it took longer to move.  Since it was doing the same moves, I figured the extra pause was in there just to mock me.

Once you go online, things are slightly better.  It’s still just chess.  It’s free all over the internet, but here you can play it with your Xbox avatar, along with some nifty added drawbacks.  Once a match ends, you’re dumped back to the main menu, without being given the option for a rematch.  So you have to go through the process of sending out an invite all over again.  That’s kind of annoying.  The game also doesn’t have any display telling you if a move is legal or not, so if you’re a newb the only way to find out is to hear an annoying gameshow-like buzzer go off.  Avatar Chess is basically the least newb-friendly video chess I’ve ever played.  Granted, I don’t play a lot, so maybe there are worst out there.  Overall, chess is a game you can play for free anywhere.  If you’re absolutely desperate to know what it’s like to play it with your Xbox avatar, I suppose this is the way to go.  If that’s you, say hello to my imaginary childhood friend Mr. Cumberdink because I suspect you might be a figment of someone’s imagination as well.

Avatar Chess was developed by Turkey Based Games

80 Microsoft Points suspect Bobby Fischer is being made to watch Fiddler on the Roof while being force-fed kasha varnishkas at this very moment, in hell, in the making of this review.

A review copy of Avatar Chess was provided by Turkey Based Games to IndieGamerChick.com in this review.  The copy played by the Chick was purchased by her with her own Microsoft Points.  The review copy was given to a friend with the sole purpose of helping the Chick test online multiplayer.  That person had no feedback in this article.  For more information on this policy, please read the Developer Support page here. 

I’m celebrating 50,000 unique page views by giving away 1600 Microsoft Points to one lucky follower of mine on Facebook.  All you have to do is follow me for a chance to win!  Click the link, hit “Like” and you’re in!  The drawing will be held December 1, 2011.  I don’t spam with my Facebook.  I just post article updates and the occasional “thank you” when my site hits a milestone.  So what are you waiting for?  Enter already!

Super Kablamo

I hereby make the following irresponsible, mean-spirited blanket statement towards the entire gaming industry, Indie or otherwise: if you make any shooting game that is not done from a 1st or 3rd person perspective and you force the player to wait any amount of time for your gun to “reload”, I, Kairi Vice, accuse you of being intentionally boring.  Especially if that game is a cross between Space Invaders and Centipede where you don’t want to be stuck on one screen waiting for your gun to reload.  Why do you hate fun so much, developers?

And yes, I’m aware that Indie Gamer Chick blowjob recipient Dead Pixels involves reloading.  Fuck you, Brian, at least that game was fun.  Super Kablamo is Mirror Universe fun, where the object is to be so bored that you’ll submerge your own head in liquid nitrogen just because it’s more stimulating.  I complained in the OTO review that the game had no direction.  Compared to Kablamo, OTO is fucking Magellan.  I could tell what was just a wall, what was to be avoided, and everything was distinctive looking.  In Kablamo, I had no clue what anything was.  The entire screen is spammed with so many things that picking apart what is an enemy and what isn’t is akin to finding a needle in a haystack.  Only here, the haystack is coated in piss and the needle is a retarded octopus.

Nope, you can't possibly make sense of this mess.

Hey, I’m a sucker for this type of game, but it does so many things wrong.  Pretty much the only thing it got right was the blade weapon.  That actually was fun to use.  Otherwise, there is nothing of value here.  There’s little to no information provided on how to actually play the game.  No screens identifying enemies, or explaining what the flowers are for, or why there’s giant-sized red blood cells all over the board.  I have the ability to suck things up.  Why?  I DON’T FUCKING KNOW!!  It doesn’t seem to do anything anyway so maybe it’s there as a distraction.  There is a screen that explains how the power-ups work, but it’s done in micro-text that you need a telescope to decipher.  As far as the actual game goes, you can move anywhere on the screen but you can only shoot one direction.  Enemies chase you along the bottom, then crawl up underneath you and you have zero defense.  Wouldn’t this style of enemy lend itself better to a TwickS?

And then there’s the ammo thing.  First off, I’m not even sure why sometimes there is an ammo gauge and sometimes there isn’t.  The game does not explain it either.  It seems to come about randomly.  Regardless, I want to pose a question for you: how good would classic 2D shooters be if you had to pause to reload your gun?  Imagine Space Invaders with it.  Or Contra.  Or Centipede.  Or Gradius.  Or Smash TV.  Those games would be ruined.

Sometimes it might work.  Dead Pixels for example, or.. um.. Dead Pixels!  But Dead Pixels was a zombie game that catered specifically to tension and conservation.  This is just a generic shooter, like Final Failure.  The game has enough trouble managing to be fun without this feature.  This is something that people should have warned the developer about ahead of time.

And just to be clear, since this was felt by some to be a glaring omission in my OTO review, no I didn’t play it with four player local-only multiplayer.  However, I did manage to briefly play two player.  And you might be surprised to hear that it didn’t get any better.  I don’t know why people assume everything is better with more people.  It might be true of dying aboard the Titanic, but that’s supposed to be horrible experience.  With or without more people, Super Kablamo is an incomprehensible clusterfuck and I would sooner recommend shoving a vacuum hose up your ass and giving yourself a Hoover Colonic.

Super Kablamo was developed by Meh Games

80 Microsoft Points feel naming yourself “Meh Games” is likely not the best way to start your development career in the making of this review. 

I’m celebrating 50,000 unique page views by giving away 1600 Microsoft Points to one lucky follower of mine on Facebook.  All you have to do is follow me for a chance to win!  Click the link, hit “Like” and you’re in!  The drawing will be held December 1, 2011.  I don’t spam with my Facebook.  I just post article updates and the occasional “thank you” when my site hits a milestone.  So what are you waiting for?  Enter already!

Gameplay footage courtesy of http://Indies.onPause.org

Escape Goat

UPDATE: Escape Goat is coming to Nintendo Switch on September 29, 2022. This review is valid for it.

Escape Goat is a 2D puzzle-platformer in an 8-bit suit of armor. By Christ, I haven’t played enough of those since starting Indie Gamer Chick. No, I mean that. I really haven’t. Sorry if that sounded sarcastic. Maybe I’m just lucky, but when I play those kind of games, they tend to be good. So I actually looked forward to Escape Goat, because it looked like my kind of game. Did it live up to expectations, or was it pulling the wool over my eyes?

Escape Goat features 64 single-screen levels where you must get the goat to the door. Often the door is locked, so you have to fetch one or more keys scattered throughout the screen. Early on, you pick up a helper mouse that you launch to help activate switches. If you pick up a magic hat, you can switch places with the mouse in a cool “travel by a comet that breaks every brick in its path” method. As the goat, you can double jump and use a dash that can break some bricks, goats being known for their gravity-defying leaping and ability to befriend mice.

The controls are tight and very responsive, so I’ll focus on the puzzles. I don’t know why I’m constantly amazed at how creatively designed puzzles can be on this platform. I mean, one person comes up with this stuff? For reals? To see stages with this level of inspiration is impressive. I don’t even think I could do a crossword puzzle correctly even if someone goated me into it.

Three hours and that’s the best I could come up with.

Levels typically involve hitting switches that rearrange blocks to open up passages. You’ll have to fling your mouse buddy through narrow passages, or make him rest on a switch while you hop around collecting stuff.  Time playing the game is usually spent experimenting with a board for a minute or two before the “eureka!” moment happens and you figure out how to solve the stage. Sometimes this boils down to trial and error, but never in a frustrating or tedious way. Of course, there’s also moments where I’m 90% sure that I’ve beaten a level in a way the developer did not intend, but that’s par for the course in pretty much any puzzle game.

There’s a few things that I didn’t care for in Escape Goat. The game uses a Mega Man style “pick whichever level you want” system. Having this in place meant there was little to no progression in puzzle difficulty. I was able to breeze through some entire sections in under ten minutes.  Sometimes this could be chalked up to the types of puzzles used. The game is at it’s best when it uses Rube-Goldberg style logic puzzles. When it relies on digital dexterity, the challenge becomes almost non-existent. Sometimes stages use a mixture of both, and that’s where it really shines. The variety is much appreciated, and at no point over the course of the game was it ever boring. If only I could say the same thing about this review, but like a goat farmed in South Africa this review is a bit of a Boer.

Oh, and there’s a level editor too. I never use those, because I’m about as creatively bankrupt as Hollywood these days. Still, I figured I should bring it up before people come to my house with pitchforks and torches. I guess I should be used to Rubing people the wrong way, but still, you people need a nanny.

Overall, Escape Goat was pretty damn good. A leaderboard contender for sure. It’s clever, punchy, and controls absolutely flawlessly. It hits all the right notes for what a puzzle-platformer should be. I’m not sure what exactly a goat did to land itself in the pokey, but games don’t have to make sense. No, seriously, what did it do? I have to know. Mountain climbing without a permit? Butt-heads with a cop? Fall asleep in a busy intersection? I bet that’s it. I hear the courts are pretty strict on kid napping.

Escape Goat was developed by Magical Time Bean

240 Microsoft Points ran out of goat-related puns before this line in the making of this review.

OTO

It’s rare that I get a game to review and honestly have no clue what to make of it, even after plenty of playtime.  Usually it doesn’t take too long to establish exactly what the developers were aiming for.  And then it shouldn’t take too long after that to figure out if they succeeded.  So congratulations are in order to Media Bandits Studio, because their game OTO has left me completely clueless.  I’ve been putting off this review for a week because every play session I had with it ended with me completely befuddled.

OTO is a physics based dexterity tester.  Of sorts.  The idea is you’re playing as some balloon thing that you must steer through a series of 99 gates.  The game has an art style that has reminded myself and others of Insanely Twisted Shadow Planet.  Unfortunately, looks are as far as this game will get to being compared to a good game.  OTO‘s biggest problem is having an unresponsive control scheme.  The balloon-circle-thingie that you control uses a realistic thruster similar to that found in the arcade classic Lunar Lander.  That system works fine for outer space fare, but for an auto-scrolling dexterity game, it’s beyond stupid.  When you use the thrust, you have to fight with gravity for a short bit before gaining any semblance of control over whatever the fuck it is you’re supposed to be controlling.  However, even on easy settings the game scrolls fast enough that you’re bound to miss some of the gates because you don’t control your whatever as much as you aim it and hope for the best.

Not that there’s any penalty for missing the gates.  At least I don’t think there is.  I’m sure it’s supposed to be more of an honor thing that you can clear the game hitting all 99 gates.  I didn’t.  Not even close.  And I don’t care.  This is not a compelling game in the slightest bit.  It’s so fucking abstract that I couldn’t give two shits less about it.  Abstract concepts can work in gaming.  Tetris for example.  Here, the game takes the minimalistic approach too far.  As a result, OTO doesn’t even feel like a game, or an experience, or even art.  It feels like a mess of ideas thrown together without any rhyme or reason.  I understand that this is a title created by honest to goodness gaming professionals who wanted to do something other than conventional games, but come on guys!  You have to give people some reason to want to play.  Like two teenagers looking for the make-out spot on Abstinence Mountain, I must declare that there’s no fucking point here.

I do appreciate attempts at originality, but taking a control scheme from one genre and shoehorning it into another is suicide.  Any rational person would tell you that.  You can’t play Super Mario Bros. with a steering wheel and you can’t play Call of Duty with a Rock Band guitar.  If the developers wanted Lunar Lander style physics, they should have tailored a game that fits it.  Lunar Lander is a game that requires patience, calculations, and a desire to be bored out of your fucking skull.  OTO only got the skull fucking right.  Well, you know what I mean.

OTO was developed by Media Bandits Studios

80 Microsoft Points still aren’t sure OTO wasn’t some kind of elaborate hoax against me in the making of this review.

I’m celebrating 50,000 unique page views by giving away 1600 Microsoft Points to one lucky follower of mine on Facebook.  All you have to do is follow me for a chance to win!  Click the link, hit “Like” and you’re in!  The drawing will be held December 1, 2011.  I don’t spam with my Facebook.  I just post article updates and the occasional “thank you” when my site hits a milestone.  So what are you waiting for?  Enter already!

DLC Quest

DLC Quest comes to us from Going Loud Studios, developer of former IndieGamerChick leaderboard member Lair of the Evildoer.  And boy am I pissed at them right now.  You see, they made this incredibly witty, at times laugh-out-loud funny game that I can’t review in-depth because I don’t want to spoil anything.  So this review is really going to be truncated.

What I can tell you is that DLC Quest is a 2D platformer where the gimmick is everything in the game needs to be acquired via DLC.  And I mean EVERYTHING, from the pause menu to animation and you know what fuck it, I’ve already said too much.  Now obviously you’re not paying for the DLC via Microsoft Points.  The currency comes in the form of coins that you gather, Mario style.  As a game, DLC Quest is very basic in design, but the humor of being nickle-and-dimed for everything is something any gamer in this day and age can relate to.  The actual game physics are well done, and there’s nothing in it that can cause you to die, so you can play it at your leisure.  The whole experience will take about 45 minutes to complete, give or take, and once you’ve finished the game you’ll likely never play it again.  And that’s fine.  It’s going to be a solid, entertaining hour that doesn’t overstay it’s welcome

If my word as a gaming critic means anything to you, go grab DLC Quest for 80MSP.  Don’t demo it, don’t continue Googling it, STOP!  Just get it.  I’m not even putting the trailer up here for it.  I don’t want to spoil anything for you.  This is the best example of gaming as a forum for humor I’ve seen on Xbox Live Indie Games thus far.  More often than not, games on the marketplace try to pass off gutter gags or references to other games as comedy.  DLC Quest is referential in a more broad sense, not having to quote anything directly because it’s developer trusts that you’re in on the joke already.  The gameplay isn’t going to blow your mind, but the humor is genuine and worth the price.  I know this wasn’t your typical Indie Gamer Chick review, but I wanted to keep it real for this one.  It’s not going to be the type of game that contends for the leaderboard.  It’s an experience, and it’s one you should take in.

DLC Quest was developed by Going Loud Studios

80 Microsoft Points charged you an additional 80 Microsoft Points to snark up this review in proper Indie Gamer Chick fashion in the making of this review.

Geoff, whom I hear cries when he sees the ending to Romy & Michelle’s High School Reunion, also reviewed this for Two Fedoras.  I think the article is a bit spoilerish (at least in the pictures) so be warned.

Dcon, whom I hear sniffs armpits, also reviewed this as well. 

LightFish

I figured LightFish would be a tough game for me to enjoy.  It’s a Qix clone, and it wasn’t too long ago that I played one of those that I really got hooked on.  It was called Cubixx HD for the Playstation 3.  It’s a marvelous little title that got started as a PSP Mini a few years back.  It takes the classic Qix formula and puts it in a 3D environment, giving new life to a game that has been worn-out for decades now.

LightFish isn’t nearly as innovative as Cubixx, but it’s good enough to stand on its own.  It takes the Qix formula back to 2D basics.  Using a little glowy fish thingie, you have to draw a line from one part of a wall to another, closing it off.  You need to fill up 75% of a level to clear it.  If a baddie touches you or your line before you reach the wall, you die.  Most of the enemies are typical staples of the genre, only with an underwater theme to them.  There are a few surprises, such as sea thingies that shit bombs out like some bizarre form of aquatic creature dreamed up by Oppenheimer.

This is one of those pictures that will seem like a uncomprehensable clusterfuck. Just watch the trailer.

Where the game really won me over was in level design.  The stages often are larger than the whole of the screen.  In a game where enemies can kill you simply by crossing your path, that sounds like it would be unfair and aggravating.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  In fact, it adds a degree of tension that can sometimes be lacking in the Qix formula.  Levels are also filled with “coral reefs” that you cannot build into, which necessitates maneuvering around them.  At first, I figured they would be annoying.  Once I learned how to use them to cage in the enemies, I was glad they were there.  A nice touch, for sure.

LightFish also features some really amazing graphics that should remind many of the Playstation Network title Flow, only here you can actually make sense of stuff.  Everything is clear, distinctive, bright, colorful, and without slowdown.  In truth, I think it has the best graphics of any Xbox Live Indie Game I’ve played yet, including TIC Part 1.  I’m a sucker for this kind of stylized art theme, especially when it’s pulled off so damn well.  The music is pretty mellow and catchy too.

But all is not great under the sea.  The controls are a tad bit sensitive.  In later levels, lava pits are added to the stages that are an instant death if you touch them.  Well I guess everything is technically an instant death here, but the problem is, sometimes the guys at Eclipse Games got a little bit carried away with some of the level designs.  For example, there is a stage where you have to go inside a giant reverse “C” made entirely of lava to be able to complete the level.  The amount of room you have to work with is so narrow that you have to hug the lava to be able to meet the required 75% of space cleared.  But the controls often lead you steering right into the damn lava because it’s not exactly clear how close you are to it.  It’s maddening, and it happens in some other stages too.  And what the fuck is lava doing underwater?  I know it’s there in the real world, but couldn’t they have come up with something else?  Write “BP” on a black pit and call it an oil spill.

This is where babies come from.

I also hated the scoring system, and not just because it lacks online leaderboards.  When you complete a stage, the game rates you on a three-star scale.  Often, the ratings seemed completely random.  I could complete a level in under a minute, kill every bad guy in the process, rope off every coral reef, not die, and still only get one star.  I fucking hate it when games do this.  Angry Birds was the same way.  Some games did it right, like Mr. Gravity for example, clearly defining what goals need to be met to get the full rating.  If you’re going to have a system like this, at least spell out for the gamer what benchmarks must be met to get the best scores.

There were one or two fun glitches as well.  The auto-save feature apparently doesn’t work, and so my first day of progress was lost because I didn’t quit out to the menu.  The developer is aware of this and is working on a fix.  The more amusing ones were situations where I watched enemies pass right through the main wall and into oblivion.  Quite helpful, actually, almost like they recognized my mad skills and just surrendered.

At the end of the day, I really enjoyed LightFish.  It’s not original, but it’s probably the best 2D Qix game made yet.  If the lava wasn’t there, this would have been a leaderboard contender.  The frustration ratio that comes into play in later stages likely sunk its chances at that.  But that shouldn’t discourage you from purchasing LightFish.  It’s fast paced, artistically well realized, and a wonderful remake of a game I figured had gone stale.  Hell, they tried to spice up Qix by throwing boobies into the mix and it didn’t work, but a glowy fish thingie did.  So the good news is I’m not bi.  The bad news is I might have a fish fetish.  That’s going to be a tough one to explain to the folks.

LightFish was developed by Eclipse Games

80 Microsoft Points can’t believe how many times Kairi typed “Gear-Fish” instead of “LightFish” in the making of this review.

On December 1, I’m giving away 1600 Microsoft Points to one lucky follower of my Facebook account. All you have to do is follow me for a chance to win!  Click the link, hit “Like” and you’re in!  I don’t spam with my Facebook.  I just post article updates and the occasional “thank you” when my site hits a milestone.  So what are you waiting for?  Enter already!

Asphalt Jungle 2

Back in September, I ended up with the biggest backlog of developer challenges I had ever had, at least to that point.  I’m actually a little embarrassed to admit that one fell through the cracks and never got reviewed.  That game, Asphalt Jungle 2, has since long slipped off the new release list and into obscurity.  What can I say?  My bad doesn’t seem to cover it, especially when XBLIG developers count on any tiny scrap of coverage they can get to generate sales.  For what it’s worth, I’m genuinely apologetic.

The sad thing is, despite looking like the most boring thing since a slide show on coffee tables, Asphalt Jungle 2 is pretty damn fun.  It took me a while to realize that.  At first glance, it looks like yet another take on Pipe Dream.  Here, you have to keep a car moving by rotating various pieces of road on a 6×10 grid.  Once the car drives over a piece, the piece disappears.  The car can travel through one side of the screen and out the other provided the roads are pointed in the right direction.  And finally, after a set interval of time, the screen refills with more blocks to rotate.

Christ, it even sounds boring when I describe it.  And the screen shot above looks boring.  Now I know what gaming journalists went through trying to explain the appeal of Tetris twenty years ago.  Asphalt Jungle 2 is fun.  It’s a time sink, that’s what it is!  I told Brian I would play it for an hour and be done with it.  Three hours, eleven minutes, nine seconds later (it keeps track), I finally emerge from my session, totally satisfied.  Sure, my body forgot to blink over the course of that time and thus my eyeballs felt like someone had scrubbed them out with an SOS pad, but it was worth it.

Asphalt Jungle 2 is not perfect.  The controls are too loose and its lack of online leaderboards killed any chance it had of making the top 10 list.  It’s also butt-ugly, sounds like shit, and is about as shallow as a puddle of spit.  Regardless of all of that, it’s a genuinely good video game.  Isn’t that what we’re all here for?  So give it a whirl and watch the hours disappear without explanation.  It happened to me.  Then again, my ass has been sore lately.  Maybe it was actually an alien abduction.

Asphalt Jungle 2 was developed by Hoelkosoft

80 Microsoft Points added a list of pending developer challenges to the sidebar here so that the Chick can’t pull an oopsie like this again in the making of this review.

Final Failure

As a general rule of thumb, any game that has the word “Failure” in its name is bound to be not so good.  Imagine if other games did it.  What if Halo Reach had been called Halo Failure?  Who would want to play that?  Or Gears of Failure?  Arkham Failure?  Legend of Failure: Ocarina of Failure?  Those sure sound like loser games to me.  My point is, if you can name your game anything, why name it Final Failure?  Well unless your game is in fact a failure of herculean proportions.  Which this was.  So this whole rant was a complete waste of time.  Sorry.

Final Failure is a side-scrolling shooter that’s kind of like Contra, only sucky.  You choose one of four dudes, each with specific skills, and then you have to platform your way through some of the most soul-crushingly boring levels in gaming history, slowly shooting various bullet sponges and fighting some wretchedly annoying bosses.

There are so many things wrong with this game.  Your characters are practically microscopic.  I’m sure this was done to accommodate having four people play locally, but it was a bad design choice in my opinion.  When the characters are this small, they tend to get lost in the shuffle easier.  I did only get a limited amount of time to try this with local multiplayer because nobody wanted to play while having to squint the entire time like Harry on 3rd Rock from the Sun.

Each character has a different gun and a different special ability, but you need not worry about that.  The only character worth a squirt is the Defender, who’s default weapon is a spread gun.  Everyone and their mother knows that spread guns are the be all and end all of 2D platform-shooters.  Unfortunately this gun, along with every other one, has to pause to reload quite often.  Seriously, can you imagine if they remade Contra like that?  This isn’t Halo or Call of Duty.  It’s a fucking 2D platformer with guns, and you’re making us reload them?  It breaks the flow of the game and leaves your dude wide open to attack.  And he’s got enough problems with that as it is.  All four characters move slow while enemies are speedy and eager to run all over you.

By far the biggest problem is the horrible play control.  There’s no D-Pad mapping, so you’re forced to use the analog stick, which is not actually done in analog.  It makes every movement ultra touchy, as if its on the rag.  Jumping is not responsive either, and that becomes a full-blown pain in the ass in stages that require you to scale up some unreasonably tricky platforms.  Spending a few minutes trying to climb to the top of a mountain only to misstep and fall all the way to the bottom is a proven way to drain all love from your body.  That’s right, this is less a video game and more of a Care Bears villain.

There is absolutely nothing fun about Final Failure.  Even with four players, it’s pitiful.  I know the argument everyone uses is “everything is better with four people!”  Which isn’t always true.  Maybe with just one person the game would be manageable.  You know, if it didn’t suck to begin with.  But with four people it’s more slow, more clunky, and more aggravating.  Sure, you might theoretically kill enemies faster, but that’s kind of irrelevant when there’s always THAT ONE IDIOT who keeps running behind, making everyone wait around for them.  God I hate that little fucker.  Especially when it’s me.

Final Failure was developed by Cobalt270

80 Microsoft Points thought “Final Failure” was the code name for Final Fantasy XII in the making of this review.