June 27, 2012 6 Comments
Washington’s Wig will win no points for historical accuracy. Hey guys, Washington didn’t have a dog named Dogsworth. That sounds like the name of a dog that would follow around Scrooge McDuck or something. Washington in fact had dozens of dogs throughout his life, including ones named Rover, Drunkard, Vulcan, and Captain. But none named Dogsworth. For shame, Team2Bit. If you can’t trust Xbox Live Indie Games for historic.. wait, they actually have “Historically Inaccurate” right on the box art. Crap. I had about 500 words worth of complaints about the type of boat used for crossing the Delaware in this game. Now I actually have to talk about the gameplay and shit. Sigh. I really hate those guys.
Washington’s Wig was the game that won for Team2Bit IGN’s Next Game Boss competition. It was kind of surprising to me, because when I watched it I thought the game looked so fucking stupid. Well, now the game is out on XBLIG and having finally had a chance to play it, it might surprise you to hear that I think the game is, well, fucking stupid. Washington’s Wig is an auto-runner where only the A button is required. You hop across icebergs, collecting coins, stars, and getting assistance from sturgeons and eagles. It’s a shallow, completely one-dimensional time sink of a game. One that I burned a couple of hours on. With a smile on my face. To all those who say I have no taste, trust me when I say, I question that myself all the time.
To be clear, Washington’s Wig is dumb. Wearing your socks over your shoes dumb. But it’s also kind of addictive. It’s simple even for an auto-runner. There’s only basic obstacles to clear. Mostly dogs that are fighting for the Red Coats. Some of them stand still, some of them charge at you, some of them jump up at you. This kind of stuff has been done dozens of times before. If not for the absurd theme, Washington’s Wig would probably be forgotten almost as soon as you turned it off.
It is lacking in some areas. It’s a game driven by scores, but there’s no online leaderboards. The game also has no variety in backdrops. You’re stuck crossing the Delaware, on a freezey cold night, and that’s it. They could have totally fucked with the source material and had other levels where Washington crosses the Nile, the Amazon, or the Rio Grande. But no, it’s just the boring ass Delaware. There is an included two player race mode, but I thought it kind of stunk. Really, Washington’s Wig would have been a better fit on iPhone, with Game Center support. Without competing against other scores, there’s really no reason to play it more than once. You won’t get much out of Washington’s Wig, but I actually still had fun with it. Even though I’m not sure if that’s because the game is good or because I have some kind of undiagnosed mental illness.
80 Microsoft Points wouldn’t mind a sequel. Perhaps some kind of aerobics game for the Wii starring Sally Hemings. They can call it Jefferson’s Hand-Job in the making of this review.
Whoever put that God-awful “Washington’s—–Wig” music in the game is now on my list. That is the worst fucking music in game history, and I can’t get it out of my head. They used to behead people for less.