Nuclear Wasteland 2030
September 22, 2011 49 Comments
I am emailing you to see if you would try one of our previous releases and see whether it deserves a spot on your top 10. As of September 23rd the game will have been out for an entire year so I know you may not even consider trying it. But it is the game’s anniversary and what better time to play it and see how it fares against today’s first person shooters!
The game is called Nuclear Wasteland 2030 and is a FPS and is available for 80 microsoft points. I have attached some links so you can glance at it and make your decision. Shame on you for not already having this game in your video game library. I hope you give it a go!
Actually Rube, I already owned Nuclear Wasteland. Brian found it while cruising around and said “hey, this looks fun!” But I only played it about five minutes before life called me away for other things. By time I got back, I had developer challenges lined up, and trust me when I say, never was I so thankful. Five minutes were long enough to recognize that Nuclear Wasteland would be a total piece of shit. I was going to chalk up the 80 points spent on it to the “this is the price of starting a review website” tax and never touch it again.
And then you had to challenge me to review it while asserting that it was a contender for the Leaderboard. Thank you so very much.
So what can I say about Nuclear Wasteland? Well, it’s horrible. Oh my God, what a piece of shit game. It could very well be one of the worst Xbox Live Indie Games I’ve played yet. It’s a wave shooter, where you play as some type of cowboy dude who has to run and take cover from swarming zombies who throw arms at you like a Clay Aiken concert was going on at the moment of zombification if you catch my drift.
You have a little pistol that you can use to fire on them. It takes roughly six years for it to reload, and the zombies move like they’re in a Benny Hill skit, so once you run out of ammo you better be ready to hold down the clicker on the left stick to run. No really, that’s how you run. Convenient, huh? Oh, and after a few waves you get access to a machine gun that runs out of bullets in about two seconds and takes about five seconds to reload. You can also pistol whip by using the right stick’s clicker, but you have to walk into the zombies for it to work. Funny enough, they can reach you just fine from a distance of about six paces, while you practically have to molest them to get close enough for the pistol-whipping to work. But your dude swings like he’s encased in liquid nitrogen and thus by time you kill one zombie, the rest of the swarm is sure to have sissy-whipped you to death. Or into shame. Either way.
And then there’s the glitches. They are kind of fun. Like the one where a zombies pushed me through a wall, into a closed off room. It was neato. I could just take my time shooting the zombies in the head and they couldn’t do a damn thing about it. Except after they decided to break the laws of physics as well and just passed through the fucking wall themselves, at which point my gun was rendered ineffective on the grounds that the zombies had brought an invisible wall with them and my bullets could not pass through it. Their hands could though, and I was quickly deadified.
Upon respawning, the invisible forcefield wallthingie had followed me to the afterlife and back, because now every single shot I fired hit it. Instead of just accepting that God wanted me to be zombie smörgåsbord, I took off running. I didn’t make it very far before getting pinned up against a fence. For a second, I thought I was fucked. But then, I passed right through the fence and was apparently safe. The zombies could not cross it, so I had some time to seek the high ground. That damn reverse force field was still with me, so I couldn’t get off a shot, but hey, at least I safe. I watched as a group of six zombies sat there flailing at the wall like they were trying to sharper their nails. I turned my back for a split second to get a lay of the land, and when I turned back around the zombies had teleported across the fence and right into my face. Quite the magic trick, really.
Needless to say, Nuclear Wasteland 2030 won’t be contending for the Indie Gamer Chick Leaderboard, at least without the aid of nitrous oxide. It’s glitchy, unresponsive, and not any fun. Maybe first-person shooters and Xbox Live Indie Games aren’t the match made in Heaven I figured they would be. People have told me that they’re extremely difficult to program and that it’s a small miracle developers can even get a functional build of one working. In which case, I suppose Nuclear Wasteland is functional and that should count for something. Maybe that will earn it the VIP treatment when we gather up all the really bad games and march them off to the gallows, which includes a complementary last meal and your final words being co-written by Nobel Laureate Mario Vargas Llosa.
80 Microsoft Points said “oh just Google him” in the making of this review.