DuckTales 2 and Chip ‘n Dale: Rescue Rangers 2 (NES Review) BONUS – Disney Afternoon Collection Final Verdict + Rankings!

March 5, 2024 by 2 Comments

DuckTales 2
Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System
Developed by Capcom
First Released April 23, 1993
Included in Disney Afternoon Collection

Rescue Rangers 2
Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System
Developed by Capcom
First Released December 10, 1993
Included in Disney Afternoon Collection

In DuckTales 2, you can upgrade your cane. Remember the episode of House where he gets a cane with flames on it so that it looks like he’s “going fast?” It’s like that, only it actually works. Actually, DuckTales is basically exactly like House, what with all the racial stereotyping and verbal abuse of employees. Presumably a lot less pill-popping though. It’s a children’s television show, after all.

It’s not exactly Earth-shattering to call DuckTales and Rescue Rangers two of the best games on the NES and two of the best licensed games of all-time. Oddly, both games got sequels that nobody talks about. This is largely chalked up to the fact that both games were released late in the Nintendo Entertainment System’s life cycle. In the case of Rescue Rangers, very late, as in it and Bonk’s Adventure ushered in the final year of its active support. Now that we’re in the future and have access to the Information Super Highway, you’d think that wouldn’t matter anymore, but these sequels still get almost no attention. They don’t make “best of” lists, except the occasional “hidden gems” ranking. It felt a little bit like a red flag to me. Maybe fans of the originals know something I don’t. Since they used the same engine as the originals, appeared to use the same sprites, were made by the same developers, and feature the same gameplay (more or less), I was kind of figuring DuckTales 2 and Rescue Rangers 2 would feel more like expansion packs for the previous NES games.

In Rescue Rangers 2, the red ball is missing from the boss fights, having been demoted to “bonus game novelty.”

In the case of Rescue Rangers 2, it’s remarkable how much it feels like a modern DLC expansion pack made up of levels deleted from the original release. By that, I mean the levels deleted for a reason. These levels are bland, the enemies are placed in uninspired ways, and there’s an overall sense that the energy from the original is missing. There’s nine stages this time instead of eleven, but in the entire play through, there was only one single moment that made me sit up in my chair and say “okay, this is different!” It involves operating a mine cart. Even this was sloppy, as whether or not you’re “bound” to the controller of the cart was touch and go. I lost a life by walking right off the cart when I meant to use the brakes.

When this worked, it worked REALLY well, as far as 8-bit set pieces go. However, when it didn’t work, it meant death.

Meanwhile, DuckTales 2 feels like a legitimate sequel with level design that easily avoids having a “deleted scene” quality about it. A few new moves have been added. You can pull certain blocks with your cane by doing the golf swing into them, and speaking of that, you can do the golf club swing with your cane mid-jump. The jumping swing never feels “right” and was my least favorite aspect of the sequel, but at least one big hidden object requires you to do it. There’s also hoops and other assorted platforms your cane can hook onto, which is such an obvious idea that I’m kind of surprised it wasn’t in the original game. Like the original game, there’s only five main levels, one of which doubles as the setting for the final boss of the game. Really good levels, but they’ll leave you wanting a lot more. If Mega Man games can have 8 bosses PLUS Dr. Wily’s stage, why can’t a DuckTales game get over the five-main-stage hump?

You’re not just walking into walls to find secrets anymore, either.

Instead of finding the two expansions for your health capacity somewhere in the levels, you have to purchase them in a store that you visit between the levels. You can also buy 1ups, extra continues, cake that restores your health any time you want (which you use by pausing the game) and a safe that lets you keep all the gems you collect if you lose a life. While I miss finding the health upgrades in the levels, Capcom replaced them by hiding upgrades to your cane in three levels. The upgrades allow you to pull larger objects with the cane or break formerly indestructible blocks. It’s actually a cool idea that’s very underutilized here. I think it would have been better to have those upgrades be rewards for beating stages. Maybe they couldn’t come up with two more. That’s probably more likely, since they barely managed to create excuses to use the upgraded cane.

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However, props to Capcom for going all-in on level exploration and hidden rooms. Remember the two “hidden treasures” in the first game, and how it was weird to only have two hidden treasures in a game with five levels? Well, there’s only two high-valued hidden treasures in the sequel too. HOWEVER, each level also has a hidden map piece somewhere in it. You start the game with one piece, and there’s a piece that must be purchased from the store. The other five are hidden in the levels. Upon grabbing the seventh and final piece, you are immediately teleported from whatever level you’re in to the hidden area under the castle. This is a sixth stage that has a repeat of the boss from the Scotland level, but the level getting there is an entirely new one. No having to go back and forth to Transylvania, like in the first game. Well actually, you do briefly return to the pirate ship for the final battle. Again, they could have done a Dr. Wily-like final trial, but no, just a return to the pirate ship and a relatively straight walk to the final boss. DuckTales 2 rights a lot of wrongs, but it still feels like Capcom left a LOT on the table with the franchise.

The bonus area is one of the best parts of the game, too. Nice.

Since the best aspect of DuckTales 1 was the level design and how exhilarating it was to find the hidden trinkets, I’m really happy that it plays such a big part in the sequel. I sort of wish it didn’t immediately kick you out of the level when you find the seventh one. Also, you actually do have to get the seven map pieces before fighting whatever is your fifth boss, since it would appear the game takes you immediately to the final battle against Glumgold after you get the five primary treasures from beating the bosses. It’s sloppy, especially for Capcom, but otherwise, there’s nothing about DuckTales 2 that makes it a lesser game than the original. The level design is stellar and, despite using the same engine as the original, it worked in a few puzzles and surprises along the way. Besides Little Samson, I can’t think of any NES game that got the shaft worse than DuckTales 2. Okay, so the soundtrack isn’t as good, but that shouldn’t matter when the gameplay is quantifiable better. This is probably the best “hidden gem” on the NES.

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I wish I could say the same about Rescue Rangers 2, but it’s just not as good as the original. Besides being able to pick up stunned enemies and use them as weapons, the one and only added move (at least that I could find) is being able to power-throw the crates if you get a running start. That sounds like a fine idea, but in practice, the amount of times I found it useful were few and far between. You can’t jump and throw a power shot, nor can you angle it in any direction but straight forward, and any deviation besides walking straight forward takes away the power. Since most enemies, you know, move, moments where I was able to build up the momentum for a power shot without falling off a ledge, walking into another box (or an enemy), or having the enemy simply jump out of range were so rare that I spent the entire forty-or-so minute run time questioning why they even bothered with this move. Most enemies die from one normal hit anyway, and the ones who don’t? Well, it’s fun to pick up stunned enemies and throw them at the next baddie. There’s no point in the game where several enemies are in a row, either. It’s one of the most worthless video game moves ever invented.

The throwing of stunned enemies was, admittedly, very fun.

What’s most notable about Rescue Rangers 2 is all the stuff removed from the original formula. The map is gone. The salt and pepper shakers are gone, but then again, so are the apples and other heavy objects that the shakers make lighter for you. On the other hand, a positive removal was most of the indestructible metal boxes. They were so overpowered that they all but ended the challenge for the original game, but in Rescue Rangers 2, they’re a true rarity (and there’s even a gag where one gets taken from you via a magnet). It’s weird they made these changes but kept the “ducking into a crate and letting the enemies walk into you to kill them” thing that severely nerfed the first Rescue Rangers. Oh, and the red ball you fight the bosses with that was SO FUN to use is gone. You fight bosses with crates or other assorted debris. Decent bosses, mind you, but they all lack that feeling of BIGNESS or finality that the first game did better than just about any Capcom Disney game. Hell, maybe better than any NES game.

The best “set piece” isn’t really even a set piece. The most fun I had in Rescue Rangers 2 was using the baseball, which is thrown in a high arc, like a lawn dart. I almost wish they had eliminated the crates entirely and instead required players to carry a single item through the levels like this. THAT would have been cool and different and made up for the ho-hum level design. Some ROM hacker ought to get on this idea. Dear NES development community: I freely give you the idea of a Rescue Rangers game where you have to manage a single item across whole levels with no crates or other throwing objects. Make me proud!

Bosses were never DuckTales’ strong suit, so the fact that DuckTales 2 has a couple marginally decent bosses is actually a really big improvement. I even died fighting one of them (the pirate ship’s boss), as opposed to DuckTales 1, where I think I took two or three hits of damage total the first time I ever played it (this doesn’t count Remastered, where the boss fights were scaled-up to the level of OMG awesome!) I only died against one boss in Rescue Rangers 2, and like what happened with the mine cart, that was largely due to haphazard design. Rescue Rangers 2 is just a fundamentally forgettable game. The level design is much more conservative. The enemies aren’t as menacing. The themes for the levels are mostly a big step down. In the first game, there’s multiple unforgettable characters and moments. I’m having trouble remembering anything in the sequel AND I JUST PLAYED IT! Besides the mine cart, the biggest twist is one stage runs on a three minute timer., and I beat that level with over two minutes left on my first attempt. Admittedly, I figured the game would cut it close and so I bolted for the exit, ignoring enemies and items, but it turns out, there was no need to rush.

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Only a complete hater would call Chip ‘n Dale: Rescue Rangers 2 a bad game. It’s not bad. It just feels like a step down from the first game. Actually, a really big step down. The levels aren’t exciting in the same way the original game’s were. I’m confident that nearly any player who experienced both Rescue Rangers titles for the first time back-to-back would rank most of the sequel’s levels on the bottom. It’s telling how fun the basic Rescue Rangers gameplay is that it’s still an okay game (see Mickey’s Dangerous Chase for an example of the formula being outright bad), but even hitting enemies with crates feels less thrilling this time EVEN THOUGH THE CRATES break on impact. The satisfying WOOOSH sound design of slaying baddies is replaced with an incredibly underwhelming “ppf” sound. Oh, the WOOSH is still there, but it’s limited to when you daze an enemy. Why’d they do that? Eh, Rescue Rangers 2 is fine, but I can totally understand why it never became a big deal.
Rescue Rangers 2 Verdict: YES!

For the first time, an NES version of a DuckTales boss got me. I lost a life fighting Quackbeard. I don’t know if that’s its name, but it’s DuckTales, so I’m guessing so. (Checks) Apparently no, it’s just called Cap’n. That’s lame.

The game that really got screwed historically was DuckTales 2. It’s just a better game than the original. Yep, I went there. It’s more bold with its level design. Its bosses are (marginally) more cunning. There’s a LOT more hidden stuff. Even the controls are improved. Transitioning to and from the pogo hopping is so much smoother this time around. It’s why the jumping golf swing stood out so much. It’s the only janky element left. Otherwise, DuckTales 2 is the superior DuckTales game and one of the biggest casualties of the 16-bit era. If this had come out a year after the original, I have no doubt in my mind it would be universally regarded as the best Disney game by Capcom on the NES. A lot of late NES games got done dirty by being ignored in the face of 16-bit gaming, but none got quacked-over quite like the sequel to DuckTales, a great game that nobody talks about.
DuckTales 2 Verdict: YES!

DISNEY AFTERNOON COLLECTION
BONUS FEATURES

I know they couldn’t use a picture of an NES controller, but wow, this looks like the bumper for a cartoon series in 1990 got drunk and threw up on your monitor.

Disney Afternoon Collection has TONS of bonus features. There’s a gallery that includes box art, concept art, advertisements (that usually feature the same art from other galleries) and even a few references to the Game Boy ports of these games. The Game Boy references are actually annoying since those versions of the games aren’t included. Hey, I didn’t like DuckTales at all on the Game Boy and I’m not even going to bother playing Darkwing Duck, TaleSpin, or DuckTales 2’s GB ports, but having them would have added value even as a curio. Disney Afternoon also allows you to listen to the full soundtracks for the games, and holy crap, I appreciate it because it confirmed to me how bad the soundtrack for DuckTales 2 is. It’s one of the worst soundtracks for a quality game ever, and you would NEVER expect that from Capcom. I have a tin ear so nobody should listen to me about anything music related, but seriously, this soundtrack is BAD. Awesome feature though.

I wish there was a lot more behind-the-scenes stuff for the games, but what’s here is, you know, fine.

Along with the absolutely essential button mapping, the two biggest features are a time attack mode and a boss rush mode for each game. Both features have online leaderboards that allow you to watch replays of any recorded run. Awesome. I’m not so much into speed running, but I’m left gobsmacked by how good some people get at cheesing games. If you’re not into speed running and just want to own the six Disney Afternoon NES games, you’ll have the option to rewind and use save states. It’s one of the best versions of rewind I’ve seen in a collection like this, too. Just hold the button down and you can go back as far as you want. That’s how it should be. Awesome. For all the special features, I’m crediting $10 in value to Disney Afternoon. I’d credit it more, but half the MSRP is the max value for a retro collection.

FINAL VERDICT ON DISNEY AFTERNOON

The full game is going to get a YES! either way, but I’ve set a value of $5 per quality game because that’s usually where I put NES games at. At $5 per quality game, it needed just two out of six games to get a YES! for me to recommend Disney Afternoon Collection. If you read this review, you already know it won, but for the record, the final tally was:

YES!: 4 – $20 in Value
NO!: 2
Bonus Value: $10
MSRP of Disney Afternoon Collection: $19.99
Final Value: $30
Final Verdict: YES!

DISNEY AFTERNOON RANKINGS!

It’s still a game about two billionaires fighting over $5,000,000 worth of stolen plunder.

  1. DuckTales 2
  2. Chip ‘n Dale: Rescue Rangers
  3. DuckTales
  4. Chip ‘n Dale: Rescue Rangers 2
    **TERMINATOR LINE**
  5. Darkwing Duck
  6. TaleSpin

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DuckTales (Game Boy Review)

September 9, 2023 by 2 Comments

DuckTales
Platform: Game Boy
Developed by Capcom
First Released September 21, 1990
NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED

It’s DuckTales from the NES, only with reworked levels, no color, arthritis, and jank. So much jank.

In researching this Disney marathon I’m on, I became somewhat confused as to whether or not the Game Boy builds of Capcom’s legendary Disney-based games are straight NES ports or not. They’re not. Even if they attempt to retain the core mechanics and basic structure, they’ll still feel different and the levels won’t be designed the same as their NES counterparts. It makes more sense to drop the term “port” and call DuckTales on the Game Boy an interpretation of the NES game I just reviewed. And hey, I enjoyed the level design of one of the stages better, so it has that going for it. It’s also an unwieldy nightmare with major control issues and some spotty collision detection. And it’s slow, too. I’d never play this again without having a gun held to my head. I know DuckTales on the Game Boy is the source of warm memories for many of my older readers, but folks, this is neither a good port nor a good game.

The big moments feel less big. There’s nothing guarding Gizmo Duck’s remote control. Well, except two spikes. Hey, in this version of DuckTales, that’s a lot scarier than enemies because you have to use the pogo stick, and it gets pissy when you need it to work.

I’d never played the Game Boy version of DuckTales before. I decided to play it straight. No cheating. No maps. Come what may. Had my emulator not crashed on the fourth stage, there is a good chance I would have Game Overed at some point in either the fourth or fifth stages. So, technically I’ve played this 1.5 times. This is trying to be the NES game to a certain extent. Everything you can do on the NES you can do on the Game Boy. The iconic pogo sticking? It’s there.. or trying to be. It’s really badly done on the Game Boy and incredibly unresponsive. I brought two controllers with me on my trip. Tested both of them on this. Tested it on different emulators. Every time, the act of pogoing was much less responsive than on the NES. Unlike that version, I never was able to adapt to the Game Boy’s pogo issues. Plus, because the playfield is more cramped, you often don’t have the clearance to use it on baddies without taking damage. That would be fine if the whole point was to avoid the enemy entirely, but based on the level layout and enemy behavior, it often seems like it’s just not possible.

You will come to hate the ropes.

It’s not just the pogo stick. Movement in general is sluggish as hell. The ropes are noticeably harder to grab, as if the collision box with them is smaller. This chest here? I tried for quite a while to figure out how to fall off the rope and get to it, even trying to fall from the previous screen. I never got it. DuckTales GB is FULL of moments like that. It’s so bizarre, because they specifically altered the level layouts to accommodate the limitations of the Game Boy, so moments like this shouldn’t happen. But even with brand spanking new levels, it feels like the levels are laid out for the NES physics and responsiveness that isn’t present anymore. And by the way, they kept all the baffling quirks from the NES game. The two hidden treasures and the two extra hit-points are in the same levels they were before. Having to play the Transylvania level three times? The weak bosses? The race after being Dracula Duck? They’re all here, only they’re (mostly) worse. Bubba Duck was improved. They added a tiny little challenge to activating him and it took me a couple of attempts to get it right. So, hey, that’s not nothing.

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I don’t want to exactly say that the level layouts are “stripped down.” They’re just different, really. In fact, I think the level layout for Transylvania is superior on the Game Boy. It’s a better maze, period. Everything IN that maze is worse, but the structure of it feels much more labyrinthine. And.. yea, that’s the only real positive thing I have to say about DuckTales on the Game Boy, because everything else is like a ruined version of the original game. Name an aspect of DuckTales on the NES and it’s here and worse and really only serves to make you long for the TV version. The mine carts are back, and they killed me twice because trying to jump out of them onto the next platform just plain didn’t happen. The controls were like “we’ve received your request to hop out of the cart, and we’re taking it under advisement.”

Remember the “go to Transylvania to get the mine key?” bit from the NES game? Remember how it takes maybe 20 seconds to reach it, rendering the whole thing pointless? Yea, it takes under 10 seconds on the Game Boy. It’s in literally the first mirror one screen over from where you start on the Game Boy.

The bosses were even easier than before. They blink longer and you don’t take damage while they blink, UNTIL Dracula Duck, where I was stunned by how sloppy the whole battle was. I won, but I had to take a lot of damage myself just to score normal hits on him. It was baffling. Curiosity got the better of me and decided to rematch with him after I beat the game, and even after fifteen minutes of trying, I couldn’t damage him without taking damage myself most of the time. It’s the same boss, where you have to pogo off the bats to hit him, only you have A LOT less time because he teleports away so fast. You also have A LOT less space between you, the ceiling, and his head to hit him Also, he starts blinking to teleport away, but you can still hit him while he’s blinking, which is kind of confusing. Then, the final race between me and Glomgold wasn’t even close. He goes so slow they might as well not have bothered.

The “spring off the bad guy to not pay the toll” trick on the Amazon stage no longer works. However, there’s a hidden passage leading to a shortcut where you drop down into the boss’s chamber.

I could go on and on about little annoyances.. and I think I will. The man-eating plants at times seem like they’re impossible to leap over. There’s also too many instances of playing a treasure chest with only a single character length of clearance between it and a platform, only the golf club move can’t be activated, either. The Moon level is completely ruined, with a layout that isn’t fun to explore at all. Hell, even the base logic of hidden areas and what’s inside them are often just plain dumb. For example, the mines have an invisible passage that leads to a hidden room that contains a gem and a cake. The cake restores your full health. Oh, and where is this hidden wall at? Right behind Mrs. Beakley, the character who drops food that restores your health. Why have that cake in the hidden room instead of a second gem? It was at that point where I wondered if the words “does any of this make sense?” were even once uttered during the development of DuckTales on the Game Boy.

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I get that the Game Boy had limitations to it, so some jank should always be expected. Like, I enjoyed Link’s Awakening and Super Mario Land 2: Six Golden Coins just fine, but they’re pretty rough games. But, they also don’t try to be copies of console games. I’ve now played probably in the ballpark of two hundred Game Boy games, and I’ve never really enjoyed any that attempt to be “the Game Boy version.” They’re never as good. I’ll never understand why developers stubbornly kept trying to do it, either. It makes more sense to do an entirely new game that plays to the strengths of the Game Boy hardware instead of trying (and usually failing) to make the same game while working around its weaknesses. This was an early Game Boy release, so I’d normally chalk this up to the development learning curve. Except this kept happening again and again for the entire record-breaking lifecycle of the handheld. And do you know who I blame? YOU, the children of the 1980s! For buying them despite them being awful. Were you THAT desperate to play a terrible version of a great game at school? Couldn’t you just go into the bathroom and smoke like any self-respecting delinquent?
Verdict: NO!

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DuckTales (NES Review)

September 7, 2023 by 12 Comments

DuckTales
Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System
Developed by Capcom
First Released October, 1989
Remade in 2013 as DuckTales: Remastered
Included in The Disney Afternoon Collection

Either the theme song to the show is now stuck in your head, or the catchy music to the Amazon stage. Either way, you’re welcome. 🖕😶🖕 Yep, it’ll be there all week, and you can’t make it go away.

Look, I’ve already reviewed the 2013 remake by WayForward that was pretty good. It fixed a lot of the problems I had with the NES game, the chief of which is that the big finale of the game is going back.. for the third time, mind you.. to the Transylvania stage. The remake created a whole new level. In replaying DuckTales on the NES for what I imagine is the third and final time, I was reminded of how annoyed I was Capcom took the game in this direction TO END THE GAME. Hell though, it could have worked. The Transylvania stage, like all the stages, is essentially a maze where you have to find your way around and there’s all kinds of off-the-beaten-path places you can go to score extra loot, extra health, or extra lives. They could have put some kind of giant door that you couldn’t access the first time as a tease for where the finale would take place. But, no. It takes place in the same boss chamber as before. It feels kind of lazy.

The second time you go to Transylvania, it’s to find the key to the mines. At least here, they hid it somewhere different that’s the “wrong way” for the standard level. Of course, it’s also literally at the beginning of the stage. Takes about fifteen seconds to reach. I really hated this whole direction. It’s the only time the game does that too. WHY HIDE IT IN TRANSYLVANIA IF THEY KNOW THEY’RE GOING BACK TO THAT LEVEL IN THE FINALE? It’s so frustrating.

That one not-that-minor complaint aside, there’s no question why DuckTales has reached legendary status among the NES library. It’s the rare high-quality licensed game on the platform. It looks fantastic. It has one of the best soundtracks on the NES. Oh, it’s got a lot of head scratching ideas. Like why would you ever have Launchpad take you out of the stage? Yea, I know there’s a secret ending for banking $10,000,000, but if they tacked that on just to justify Launchpad, they didn’t have to. Launchpad is used just fine on the Amazon level to help Scrooge clear a jump.

In my entire 2023 run in DuckTales, I never had any issue with the pogo stick EXCEPT on this specific section, grabbing the Moon’s hidden treasure. For whatever reason, the damn pogo stick wouldn’t stay on as I navigated the spikes. The weird thing is, I’m almost certain I had the same problem in the same spot the first couple times I played Duck Tales on the NES.

So, why is this a legendary game? I think most players would say “the pogo stick.” Yea, it’s pretty brilliant, but I’ll take it a step further and say the cane in general just works great as a weapon. First, yes, the pogo stick jumping is awesome, but why is it awesome? Because it renders traditional head-stomping gameplay into a more immersive experience. You’re not just letting your weight and the forces of gravity do the killing for you. Oh, no. You have to perform an additional input to make it work, or you take damage. You’re activating the pogo, meaning you’re performing the action of killing enemies directly, by your own hands, and that’s just more fun! But, you can also golf-club rocks, stones, and various other blocks at the enemies, and it’s always satisfying to do so. Especially when they placed enemies out of reach, and there’s the right shaped rock to kill them just sitting so helpfully right there. DuckTales has truly wonderful, cartoonish combat. It’s why I hate how the bosses only blink instead of having injury animations.

Finding the hidden treasures OR the two extra life points adds to the thrill. I wish the game hid even more hidden trinkets or consequential secrets in it. There’s tons of hidden rooms that see Scrooge walk up into the status bar to find, but they usually only have a couple gems, or maybe a 1up. EVERY stage should have had at least one hidden treasure. Putting only two in the game is a little frustrating, because it renders them kind of arbitrary.

However, I disagree with the combat sealing it for DuckTales. I think it’s the level design that punched its ticket to Cooperstown. I think you have five spectacularly designed stages that are such a joy to explore. Inventive. Lots of exciting moments, like pogo-sticking over enemies to clear gaps, or having to rapidly pogo stick to avoid a giant ball, Raiders of the Lost Ark-style. Combine that with nice enemy placement and tons of hidden stuff. I hate to keep picking on Transylvania but it’s clearly the weakest link of the bunch. Once you know where to go, you have little incentive to explore further. That’s not true of the other stages. If I have to get further nit-picky, I kind of wish the levels incentivized exploration to a larger degree. Not just bumping up the amount of hidden treasures, but maybe lock the boss door in every stage behind keys that you have to find throughout the level. If another DuckTales game ever happens, I hope they make it like this one, only with a LOT more hidden stuff.

They vastly improved the boss fights for the remake too. Look, I had a great time with the NES version, but the 2013 remake is just plain better. Sorry to my cantankerous older readers, but it’s true. Better in every single way except the annoying dialog.

The worst part of the NES game is the bosses. They’re too easy, frankly, and they’re all kind of teeny-tiny. I get it. That’s what the NES could do. But, again, Remastered fixed them all. They all feel like epic-prolonged boss encounters that stay true to the spirit of the original battle. On the NES, they often don’t even last half-a-minute. Remastered also fixed any issues you might have with the pogo stick, which I adjusted to anyway. It fixed the finale being a retread of stuff you’ve already done. It added two extra levels and a couple other bosses, like an awesome airplane duel with Flintheart Glomgold. If it seems like I’m a little fixated on the more recent version, don’t worry, I have a point to all this: the original is still fun. That speaks volumes to me. That the same game could be done better decades later, yet the original is still a damn good game that holds up to the test of time. My nephew, who is a fan of the 2017 cartoon reboot, is exactly one day older than the remake. He had never heard of either DuckTales game. So, I tested it on him, and he LOVED it. A game that came out the year I was born. And when I told him an even better version of the game existed, he looked at me awestruck. “They made this game EVEN BETTER?” As if he couldn’t believe that was even possible. I can’t think of a better endorsement!
Verdict: YES!

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DuckTales: Remastered

August 15, 2013 by 7 Comments

DuckTales: Remastered is a game about two billionaires squabbling over five million dollars worth of junk. Seriously. That’s what the game is about. After beating the five main stages of the game and collecting ancient treasures, Scrooge McDuck’s rival, Flintheart Glomgold (couldn’t have sounded more evil if his name was Adolf Stalin Jong Pot III), steals them from you and declares himself the richest duck in the world. Now, since Scrooge McDuck is established as a billionaire, that means Glomgold is likely one too. One whose net-worth is no more than $4,999,999.99 less than Scrooge’s. This is what happens when old people with too much money end up with too much free time. The worst part is during the end credits when, spoiler alert, Scrooge offers to buy the boys an ice cream cone. Each.  And fill it with ice cream this time. And I thought I was frugal. What a dick.

That’s why I don’t get DuckTales. Scrooge McDuck is an utterly unlikable tightwad. A cross between Gordon Gekko and Mr. Burns that practically has an orgasm with every new gem you pick up. He talks down to his loyal employees, calling them countless variations of “stupid” and occasionally making fun of his maid’s girth. He lives in a mansion that has a giant silo filled with money that he swims in. In the game, you even get an achievement for partaking in this selfish, narcissistic pastime. And yet, Scrooge is somehow portrayed as the good guy in this thing. This thing that gamers have been salivating over for months now. Hey wait a second. Wasn’t picketing rich assholes who treated their employees with disdain and kept all the wealth to themselves a thing not too long ago?

I don't get it. If some evil corporation wanted to bulldoze the rainforest and make gorillas go extinct, there would be worldwide outrage. But a game where you play as a multi-billionaire duck who caves in the skulls of gorillas to earn an extra couple bucks to throw onto the pile (literally) is acceptable children's entertainment.

I don’t get it. If some evil corporation wanted to bulldoze the rainforest and make gorillas go extinct, there would be worldwide outrage. But a game where you play as a multi-billionaire who caves in the skulls of gorillas to earn an extra couple bucks to throw onto the pile (literally) is acceptable children’s entertainment.

Glomgold is the villain because he has an evil beard, I guess. Never mind that it’s Scrooge that’s running around the world like a grave robber, stealing priceless artifacts from primitives and bludgeoning the local wildlife (many of which are endangered species) to death with his cane. By comparison, Glomgold just stealing a few gold trinkets from Scrooge seems positively tame. Though I don’t understand why he would kidnap Huey, Dewey, Louie, and Webby. Presumably to murder them. What else is he going to do with them? Hold them for ransom? I think the courts would frown on that. Scrooge is established as being older than Glomgold. I’m sure there’s probably an in-joke about how he’s only five minutes older or something, but whatever. Here’s a thought, Flinty: just wait for the old fuck to die. They’ll split his inheritance and you’ll then be the richest duck in the world. A little patience goes a long ways.

Okay, fine. Game review.

DuckTales: Remastered isn’t an indie, but as someone who barely watched the show (which started airing two years before I was born) and just played the NES game for the first time last month, I feel my perspective might be unique. Going into the NES game, I’ll be honest: I thought it was going to suck. Nostalgia taints everything. I’ve had children of the 80s tell me with a straight face that episodes of He-Man or movies starring Corey Haim hold up. That’s only the case if you watched them as a child and they remind you of a more innocent time before work, bills, relationships, politics, and children of your own turned you into your parents. Meanwhile, with only a few exceptions, games based on licensed properties tend to suck. So you’ll forgive me for thinking that DuckTales would be shit, just like 90% of the NES games you thirty-somethings tell me rock.

I admit, I was wrong. DuckTales on the NES was a fine game. But the remake, DuckTales: Remastered, is even better. First off, it looks fantastic. Animation and character models are beautiful. And that soundtrack? Wow. The old 8-bit chip tune stuff is alright if you’re into that sort of thing. But the symphonic remakes are stunning. Unfortunately, Remastered has a giant-sized hard-on for endless dialog. You can skip it easily by pausing the game and pushing a button, but I actively question why they bothered in the first place. Fans of the series won’t like it because the voices are all wrong. Well, except for the kids. But Scrooge sounds way off, probably on account of the voice actor being 93 years old now. I mean, yea, it’s cool that he’s not dead (Update: he is now). But when you have the entire force of Disney behind you, perhaps tracking down a sound-alike would have been preferable. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad if all the recorded quips were just for gameplay actions, but oh no. Slow cut scenes showing Scrooge being verbally abusive to his staff or being a miserable old bastard to his family. DuckTales: Remastered, a remake of a game from the late 80s, is now one of the poster children for modern gaming’s excesses.

The new opening tutorial stage. You will scream "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!" at least four times this level.

The new opening tutorial stage. You will scream “SHUT THE FUCK UP!!” at least four times this level.

I still enjoyed it quite a bit. I like how the levels aren’t simply about finding a boss anymore. Each stage requires a full exploration to track down hidden trinkets that open up the boss. And the bosses aren’t just about jumping on their heads, but rather play out as an event. Okay, sometimes those go a little long, but never to the point of crossing the line. There’s a new opening stage, and the final boss isn’t found by replaying the Transylvania level, but in an entirely new stage. Using the pogo stick move is easier. Some of the cheap jumps have been eliminated. The last boss doesn’t use random patterns where you could presumably go forever without having him open himself up to attack, like in the original. I mean, really, they took a pretty decent NES game and made it better. You retro nerds that won’t stop bitching about “why couldn’t they just give us the NES game?” really need to ask yourselves why you play games to begin with. Skip those cut scenes and Remastered is clearly the better game.

It’s not perfect. I don’t understand why invincible coins only last like four seconds, long enough to kill maybe two enemies at best. I don’t get why the physics for the climbing ropes weren’t improved along with everything else. I’m really not sure why unlocking the music, which is really all anyone would want to unlock, is buried beneath so much other shit you have to get through first. But that’s all nit picky. DuckTales: Remastered is a jolly good time and one of the best remakes I’ve ever played, so much so that I’m just about ready to tell Virtual Console and it’s endlessly re-released moldy oldies to choke on a duck’s dick and die. Improve the original or don’t bother at all. I’m looking at you, Earthbound, you overrated sleeping pill with antiquated play mechanics that’s about as fun to play today as soccer using cannonballs.

DuckTalesDuckTales: Remastered was developed by WayForward Technologies

Seal of Approval Large$14.99 (I paid $11.99 with PS+ discount) will never get that fucking theme song out of her head now in the making of this review.

DuckTales: Remastered is Chick Approved, but not eligible for the Leaderboard (non-indie)

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