Home: A Unique Horror Adventure

A couple of months ago I reviewed a game for iPhone called Year Walk, and stated my opinion that I don’t think horror can be done properly on a platform like iPhone.  Well, a few days ago, a fairly popular PC indie made the jump over to iOS, and it happens to be a horror game.  People were telling me “even if I think you were wrong about Year Walk, you have got to try this.  It really is scary.”

No.  Home isn’t really scary.  It’s creepy.  It does creepy well, but I feel there’s a difference between that and scary.  The basic idea is you play as Conan O’Brien (that’s who it looks like, and until someone says otherwise, I’m pretending it’s him) who wakes up with no memory of how he got to where he is.  His leg is injured and he has no idea how it got that way.  Oh, and there’s at least one dead body nearby.  I don’t know why he’s so fussy over it.  It’s basically how every Sunday morning begins for me.

Other candidates besides Conan O'Brien: Ron Howard pre-baldness, my boyfriend (though I've never seen him wear a sweater in my life), or Andy from Toy Story.

Other candidates besides Conan O’Brien: Ron Howard pre-baldness, my boyfriend (though I’ve never seen him wear a sweater in my life), or Andy from Toy Story.

All of this is told through a pixel-art point-and-click adventure.  If it sounds interesting, you’re right, it is.  The problem with Home is that it’s one of those fireworks where you light the fuse and nothing happens.  It took me all of five minutes to guess what the big plot twist would be.  Was I right?  I don’t know.  The solution to what happened I guess changes depending on how many clues you find throughout the hour-long play-through.  At the end of my session, the game saw fit to give me no ending at all.  It didn’t crash or anything.  It just ended with no resolution.  Conan walked to the final door, some text pondering the nature of what just happened popped up, and then BAM, credits.  The fuck?

All choices you can make happen in the form of questions.  Like if you find a knife, the game will ask you what happened in a past tense form.  “Did you pick up the Knife?  Yes/No.”  Here’s the weird part.  Near the end of the game, I was asked if I thought one of the other characters in the game was the murderer.  I said no, because all the clues from the get-go said otherwise.  But now I’m mildly curious whether that would have become the solution if I had said yes.  Not so curious that I’ll play through it again.  Once was enough.

The thing is, there’s no actual game here.  You walk, you click stuff, and stuff happens.  There’s no real puzzles to solve besides typical lock-and-key stuff.  At most, you might have to hit a switch.  So while the graphics are pretty good, the atmosphere hits the mark, and even the dialog is well done, Home is actually kind of boring.  Mechanically speaking, at least.  It tells a story well, but it’s not a game in the strictest sense.  It’s a visual novel where paragraph breaks come in the form of having to walk around trying to figure out where to go next.  It does very little to take advantage of the medium, and that’s a shame.  Unlike a lot of misfires I deal with here, I can’t chalk this up to poor writing or over ambition.  It’s just a dull game. 

I took this picture at the worst possible time.

I took this picture at the worst possible time.

One last thought on the whole “multiple ending” thing which I’ve never been a big fan of.  Here’s why I’m against it: because I don’t know if I’m going to end up with the same ending if I play through again.  I played once and the end result was NO ending.  I felt I played pretty well the first time.  I clicked everything.  I backtracked occasionally to place items where they belonged.  What the fuck more do I need to do, Home?  Well whose to say if I do things differently that I won’t fall into that one and only trap that sets off the exact same ending I just got?  If a game is going to base itself around having multiple endings, it needs to set up a way to take advantage of that besides “replay the whole thing again.”  Especially stuff like point and click adventures, which just don’t lend themselves to multiple play-throughs.  My usual way around this is to simply look up the other endings online, but as it turns out, a game called “Home” isn’t the most Google-friendly title.

I was a bit on the fence about this one.  On one hand, I think the game successfully achieved its goal of having a well written story with genuine suspense and chills.  On the other hand, the gameplay is boring and the hook requires multiple play-throughs, which will certainly mute those chills and shrink the suspense.  I’ve spent more time trying to figure out if I liked Home than I spent actually playing Home.  For that reason, I can’t recommend it.  The deciding factor was if I had a magic “undo” button that would give me the hour I spent playing it back, would I do it?  I can quickly answer that: yes, because the ending sucked.  Results will vary by player, but for me, I felt borderline cheated by the ending I got.  It literally had no closure at all.  Every single question left unanswered.  That’s just plain stupid.  If the power had gone out while I was watching the series finale of Lost, I probably wouldn’t have called that a brilliant ending.  Though in retrospect, that would have been an upgrade.

HomeHome: A Unique Horror Adventure was developed by Benjamin Rivers Inc.

$2.99 admits that I hate replaying games anyway and thus the odds of me playing through Home again was probably slim to begin with in the making of this review.

The Incredible Adventures of Van Helsing

The Incredible Adventures of Van Helsing is one of those games that makes me feel like I’m in a bad relationship; the kind where your head says, “Fool, forget her,” and your heart says, “Don’t let go. Hold on to the end.” Yes, that is a Grease reference there. Deal with it.

This action/RPG experience casts the player in the role of the famous Dr. Abraham Van Helsing’s (the destroyer of Dracula) son. It’s your task to traverse this steampunk version of 19th century Eastern Europe, find your father and rid the fictional land of Borgovia of a mad scientist who is just fucking things up for everybody in general.

I WILL POINT AND CLICK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!!

I WILL POINT AND CLICK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!!

The Incredible Adventures of Van Helsing does so many things I don’t, or shouldn’t, like yet I kept coming back to it. I was having fun…until my computer threw a Windows inspired hissy fit, the game crashed when I was two-thirds of the way through and I lost my save file (about 15 hours of progress). It seems that Fate, that cruel, cruel mistress, did not want Van Helsing and I to be together for all of eternity. Such is life.

First and foremost on “The Things I Shouldn’t Like” list is that The Incredible Adventures of Van Helsing is a shameless Diablo clone (i.e. the playfield is seen from a 3D, isometric, top down view and the gameplay entails pointing-and-clicking at things until they explode in a bloody flash and drop all kinds of goodies which you then rush to collect like the greedy fucker you are).  Now, I’ve played Diablo clones in the past that I’ve truly enjoyed: Torchlight 1 and 2, Marvel Ultimate Alliance and Baldur’s Gate: Dark Alliance, just to name a few. But, with Van Helsing, it just feels more shameless somehow. Playing it felt, to me, like those early Sunday morning “strolls” though my college campus after a Saturday night filled with debauchery and naughty young ladies who I had no intention of bringing home to Mother. Yes, that is a Rick James reference. Deal with that one too.

Collect that loot...

Collect that loot and upgrade those stats…

Secondly, there is almost zero strategy to the combat. The monsters literally rush at you in droves the instant they see you. It’s fucking insane. It gets to the point where you barely even know what the hell is happening and you can’t even see your poor, overwhelmed character there is so much outrageous activity happening on-screen. I’ve never seen another game do this to the extent that Van Helsing does…and it happens almost right out of the gate as well. There’s very little hand holding here; your index finger and mouse are going to get a good workout playing this game, know that now. But, to its credit, you do get quite a visceral rush when a battle is done, you are victorious and there are piles of beastly corpses (and treasure…don’t forget the treasure!) at your feet.

Thirdly, the presentation is lacking in comparison to the games Van Helsing attempts to emulate, the Diablos and the Torchlights of the world.  I know this is an indie game developed by a relatively small team in Hungary, Neocore Games, but if you aspire to dance in the ring with the big boys, you have to measure up against them, ultimately. And while Van Helsing isn’t awful to look at by any means, it just lacks that “next level” of polish that those other games definitely have. I should also mention here that the voice acting is all over the place; some performances are spot on while others are quite amateurish. And, for some reason which I couldn’t seem to shake, the actor who voices the main character sounded a good deal like Maurice Moss from the IT Crowd to me…and if you know anything about Moss, you know he’s certainly not a badass monster hunter.

"I was BORN to slay monsters, Roy!"

“I was BORN to slay monsters, Roy!”

Taking all that into account, I still kept coming back to play Van Helsing and would have beaten it if my save file wasn’t corrupted. It is a fun and addictive game to play, with tons of loot to collect and some cool magic and combat customization options. I know I said “almost zero strategy to the combat” above and I stick by that because once the creatures start coming at you thick and fast, all those custom options you set up will go right out the window and you’ll be screaming, “Fuck it, it’s hack and slash time, bitches!” On top of that, I’m just a sucker for humorous, B-grade-horror-shlock when it comes to a story and Van Helsing’s narrative is certainly that.

There is also an option to play The Incredible Adventures of Van Helsing online with a few friends, which I didn’t get to try because, as I mentioned, my save file fell down and went BOOM and I lost the character I spent 15 hours building up. That being said, I could definitely see this game being a blast to play online with some likeminded pals, as long as there were no technical or latency issues to speak of.

Mad skills to pay those bills...

Mad skills to pay those bills…

Since this review is peppered with a few musical references and I began it with one, I think it’s only fitting that I wrap it up with another one. The Incredible Adventures of Van Helsing reminds me of the heartbreakingly pensive love songs that Prince used to write back in the day (Nothing Compares 2 U, Why U Wanna Treat Me So Bad, Automatic, et al.), difficult to get through at times but when they are over, you can’t help but go back and listen to them again and again and again because, well, they just hurt so damn good.

And it’s for that reason that The Incredible Adventures of Van Helsing is INDIE GAMER GUY APPROVED. This isn’t a resounding approval like Gunpoint was, but this is a game that I definitely had a good time playing and others should too. If Neocore gets around to making a sequel at some point and addresses the issues I mention above they could have a truly great franchise on their hands.

 

The-Incredible-Adventures-of-Van-Helsing-box-artThe Incredible Adventures of Van Helsing was developed by Neocore Games.

For $14.99, The Incredible Adventures of Van Helsing will let you point-and-click the holy shit out of some polygonal, gothic monsters. Good      times!

The Incredible Adventures of Van Helsing is available on Steamigg 2

The Incredible Adventures of Van Helsing is Indie Gamer Guy Approved, but it just squeaks on to the Leaderboard and will probably be point-and-clicked right off at some point down the line.

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They Bleed Pixels

There are those who define insanity as: “Doing the same thing over and over and, at some point, expecting a different result.” That pithy aphorism pretty much sums up my time with SpookySquid’s They Bleed Pixels. And the “same thing” I was doing over and over and over was dying. After dying almost 100 times (no joke) on the third level, I had enough. I just wasn’t having fun anymore. I play games to have fun and when I stop having fun, I stop playing the fucking game. Period.

The basic premise behind They Bleed Pixels is, essentially, what if early 20th century horror novelist, H.P. Lovecraft, had the resources and wherewithal to design a punishing, NES-hard platformer? What would that be like? Well, I’m assuming, along with the creators of this pain-in-the-ass disguised as a game, it would be a lot like They Bleed Pixels. From what I understand, Lovecraft himself was a rather uptight, prickly and difficult man, so this makes perfect sense in the grand scheme of things. Good job there, SpookySquid! You managed to distill the essence of fucking weird-ass New Englander (weird, yes, but still a great writer) and put it into video game form. Bravo, I say!

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The girl on fire…or…? Wait, wrong thing.

The story is pretty straightforward: a young girl is sent to a creepy boarding school, The Lafcadio Academy for Troubled Young Ladies, where she comes across a Necronomicon-like tome that turns her into a human/monster hybrid each night. Her dreams (or are they…?) are the levels she must conquer to see the dawn once again and regain her human form.

In terms of actual gameplay, it’s pretty standard stuff. One button jumps, the other button attacks as you progress through the macabre levels that are riddled with pitfalls, spikes and random, whirling saw blades. The female protagonist can do double jumps and cling to the walls, as long as they aren’t “slippery” walls, mind you. She can also unleash some rather nasty attack combos on her bland and far-too-similar enemies.

I really wanted to like this game. I’ve been looking forward to playing it since it came out at the end of last August… and reviewing it (finally) gave me an excuse to play it. I think it is easy to tell that I AM DISAPPOINT with They Bleed Pixels overall. To its credit, it does have some nice stylized, 8-bit pixel graphics (with some sweet, bloody flourishes to boot) and the music by DJ Finish Him is very cool as well. One other thing I dug was the innovative checkpoint system that saves the player (some) frustration by allowing you save almost anywhere you want…if you play your cards right.

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Does Satan have an unlimted supply of these random, spinny saw blades lying about? Just curious…

At the end of day, if I want to be frustrated and punished I’ll go to work at my real job. When I play a video game, I want to relax, have fun and get “lost” in the experience.  They Bleed Pixels drove me to brink of madness…to the point of questioning my own sanity, I daresay. I feared for the very life of my gamepad because after dying countless deaths, I wanted to smash it to bits against the wall…to end its horrible, unending misery and my own, by God!

And let me just say this in closing: back in the day, I beat the majority of “hard” punishing, platform games, so it isn’t that I’m not good at them or don’t like them as a whole. I guess it’s just that I don’t have the patience and/or time for this style of game any longer; I have better things to do now…

…like not die 100 fucking times on a single level.

ImageThey Bleed Pixels was developed by Spooky Squid Games.

For $9.99 They Bleed Pixels will eviscerate your eternal soul and then serve it up in offering to the Great Old Ones in the making of this review.

They Bleed Pixels is available on Steam.

Gunpoint

Gunpoint is a game that I’ve had a keen eye on for a few years now. Longtime PC Gamer scribe Tom Francis and his small team of five others, have been hard at work on this labor of video gaming love for three years. The videos and screenshots that have trickled out to the internet over those long years were tantalizing to say the least. The game footage itself reminded me of a mishmash of two old-school games that I was rather fond of: Epyx’s Impossible Mission and Mindscape’s Deja-Vu and, most of all, that footage left me in a frenzied state, as if I was a tubby knuckle-dragger with an empty sack of Cheetos…the scant footage left me wanting more, more, MORE!

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Guard + Spy + Crash Through Window = BIG FUN!

Typically, almost anything that I’ve been waiting on for this long never comes close to living up to my grandiose expectations. I’m quite happy (and utterly relieved) to report that Gunpoint is the exception rather than the rule here. Beyond one major, and two minor, quibbles this game is the bees fucking knees to be quite frank. The small, but detailed, graphics, the jazzy, noir-inspired music, the well-crafted storyline and puzzle based gameplay all comes together nicely to form a top-notch interactive entertainment experience.

Gunpoint weaves a fairly complex pulp/crime yarn that’ll keep you guessing until the bitter end. You are cast in the role of Richard Conway, a private dick in the fictional town of East Point. Richard is thrust into a proverbial “web of intrigue” that involves two of East Point’s biggest weapon manufacturers and, oddly enough, the East Point police department as well. The game’s narrative and dialogue mainly plays out via text messages, with various clients blowing up your phone with jobs, requests and updates. Francis’ skill as a writer shows through in these text messages, as there are many pithy exchanges that struck me as rather amusing.

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Witty repartee…check.

For each mission you complete, you are rewarded with cash and skill points. Cash allows you to buy new espionage items and skill points upgrade your jumping abilities and item/battery charges. Pretty standard stuff.

But, to unravel this intricate web of corporate lies, deceit and double talk, Richard has a plethora of spy gadgets at his disposal; the main two being the Crosslink and the Wirejack. You can almost complete the game using only these two items, as only the very last level requires you to buy two other gadgets. The Crosslink/Wirejack combination makes up the core gameplay mechanic of Gunpoint, and it is sublime in its implementation and usage. The potent Crosslink/Wirejack combo allows you to tap into and rewire a building’s various electronic devices (switches, lights, doors, motion detectors, etc.) to suit the needs of a top-notch reconnoiter such as yourself. A quick example of how this works would be: say you needed to get into a building, but all the first floor doors are locked tighter than some douchebag hipster’s drainpipe jeans.  You see on the second floor that there is a motion detector and a guard patrolling past that motion detector. Using the Crosslink, you quickly rewire the motion detector to the door, bypassing the hand panel activation of said door, and once the unsuspecting guard walks past the motion sensor again, viola’, the door springs open and you now have access to the building. Pretty damn cool, right? Let me tell you, that just scratches the surface of all the bad ass spy shenanigans you can get up to with the Crosslink system. You’ll find yourself scoping out the building layouts for exploits for a good ten minutes before you even take a step toward the building…at least, I know that’s how I played the majority of the later, more challenging, levels.

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Using the Crosslink system is intuitive and super sweet.

On to my issues with Gunpoint; they are few, as I mentioned, but important to note. First and foremost, I greatly dislike how this game fucks you over with your own firearm, called “The Resolver,” which is a wicked name but a total misnomer because it doesn’t “resolve” jack shit. In fact, it complicates things greatly. Maybe that’s point, as this is more of a “use your brains,” puzzle-type game, but these kinds of design decisions and/or limitations truly irk me.

You can obtain the gun fairly early on in the game but, beyond one instance at the very end of game, you cannot realistically use it to shoot anyone and complete the mission at hand. You can use your gun to intimidate most guards at “gunpoint” (get it?) and they will back down, but get too close and they will have absolutely no qualms in blowing your dumb ass away.

If you do discharge your weapon, a countdown starts (a little over 20 seconds) and you have that scant time to get the hell out of Dodge. If you don’t, a SUPER SNIPER appears and blocks your exit from the level. There is no way that I found to kill, or get past, the SUPER SNIPER because he can see as far as the Eye-of-Goddamn-Sauron and has the aim of fucking Legolas Greenleaf on a heavy dose of Ritalin. Now, maybe I could rationalize this bullshit if it only happened when you shot and killed a guard; you killed a person and you are being punished for that dastardly act. Fine. Still kind of crap, but OK, I get it. But no, no, no…the asshole SUPER SNIPER appears even when you shoot the walls or at nothing at all! Is the game mad at me because I killed the wall? Did the wall have a Mrs. Wall and three little wallings at home, so I should feel like a terrible person for shooting the stupid fucking wall?

Beyond the jokes, this is an issue with me because it limits the options you have while playing. There are sound based puzzles in the game and the first time I encountered a sound sensor, I figured I could use the gun to set it off since there were no guards around. BANG! I fire my gun and it triggers the sensor which, in turn, triggers the door I Crosslinked the sensor to. Easy peasey. But not so fast, my good man, because I had the temerity to discharge my gun into the wall, the SUPER SNIPER countdown begins. Why? If guard fires his gun, the SUPER SNIPER doesn’t appear. How does the SUPER SNIPER know the difference between the sound of my gun and their guns? He doesn’t. The game (and by extension it’s designer) is just trying to force you to play the way it/he wants you to…by using the clattering of the elevator to activate the sound sensor instead of a gun report.

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The gun play in Gunpoint leaves much to be desired…

To expand upon this SUPER SNIPER countdown nonsense, what if I want to play the game in a run-and-gun fashion? I’m a very direct person and that style of play suits me, much like Mr. Pink in Reservoir Dogs, who memorably quipped: “I don’t wanna kill anybody. But if I gotta get out that door, and you’re standing in my way, one way or the other, you’re gettin’ outta my way.”  I guess Mr. Pink and I are shit out of luck because Gunpoint just won’t let us shoot someone who is standing in our way and complete our mission in a reasonable manner.

I had a similar issue with, Dishonored, another very cool game that punishes you unfairly for playing a certain way. Why make Corvo, the main character, an awesome-steampunk-whale-powered-ninja-man if you are going to shit all over me at the end of the game for actually using my awesome-steampunk-whale-powered-ninja-man powers? The same goes for Gunpoint: why even include a gun in the damn game if you are going to punish me for using it and, on top of that,  I can really only use it the way it’s meant to be used in one spot on the final level!?

The other two issues I have are minor, so I’ll address them as succinctly as possible because the length of this review is getting way out of hand.

  1. I beat Gunpoint in five hours, which included a good amount of “thinking” time (i.e. studying the layout of a building for the best possible route/plan of attack before even setting foot in said building). Put simply, I wanted more because I was enjoying myself a great deal here. But, five hours is still a bit too short, even for a $10 game. There is a level editor included with Gunpoint so, hopefully, I’ll be able to play other people’s uploaded levels in the not too distant future.
  2. I’m going to be honest here, beyond an FPS game, I dislike using mouse and keyboard controls. There are times in Gunpoint when this interface totally failed me. Also, Conway felt too “sticky” to me at times and he wouldn’t get off the wall or ceiling when I wanted/needed him to. This could be an extension of the mouse/keyboard control scheme, but I’m not sure. Maybe I just suck?

The overall coolness and playability of Gunpoint outweighs its flaws by a longshot, though. I’m really looking forward to what Tom Francis and his team come up with next. If you are any kind of gamer, this is a game you need to buy and play immediately. And, most of all, it is the very first INDIE GAMER GUY APPROVED title!

One final note, Gunpoint has another other cool, little feature that pops up at the end of the game and, quite honestly, I’ve never seen something like this implemented in a video game before. It lets you write a blog post in the “voice” of the main character, summing up your adventure, through various point and click options. I’ll share mine with you here:

A Case of Crossed Wires

24 dead. 18 injured. 20 jobs. $13,000. The week echoed in my mind like something that happened in the last week.

They don’t let me name names on this blog, but the person behind the hit I was investigating is dead now.

He played a dangerous game: insulting my hat.

I didn’t get the trigger man. It was the only play I could stomach. Wish I could say it was the right one.

I don’t know.

I guess I picked the least shitty of two incredibly shitty sides.

Maybe that doesn’t matter. Maybe all that matters is that I now have the ability to kick down doors.

Either way, I need a drink.

GunpointGunpoint was developed by Tom Francis

igg 2For $9.99 Gunpoint will throw you out of a 30-story high plate-glass window and leave your broken ass in the pouring rain in the making of this review.

Gunpoint is available on Steam

Gunpoint is Indie Gamer Guy Approved. It is the very first game to attain this lofty title and is ranked on the Indie Gamer Guy Leaderboard. Huzzah!

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Beast Boxing Turbo

Dear Diary:

I wanted my first time here to be special, ya know? I wanted it to be EPIC; I wanted it to mean something but, unfortunately, it was just entirely “meh.”

I really thought Beast Boxing Turbo wasn’t going to be like all the other games. It was soooo sweet to me, when I added it to my shopping cart and plunked down my cash for it. Its sexy screenshots and promises of a Punch-Out meets an upgradable, RPG-like experience really had me fooled, ya know? HA! What a stupid assclown I am! Turns out this game is more like a rehash of an early 90’s Genesis title called Death Duel and it’s just like all the other clones and pretenders: awesome up front but fucking dissatisfying when it comes down to the brass tacks.

I mean, the first couple hours or so are OK. It looks, sounds and controls (use a gamepad rather than the computer keyboard; trust me on this) pretty nice and all but, I mean, this is a boxing game, right? So, why can’t I punch any of the monsters in the body? Why are all my shots to the head? Even Wii-Fucking-Boxing lets me punch to the body, right? And then…and then…this bastard game just started getting lazy on me by throwing the same damn opponents my way but just re-skinning them to look like Santa Claus (no joke) and a zombie. I stuck it out for a little longer to see if things would improve in the Ultra League but this is where your opponents just get cheap as hell and almost unbeatable. To its credit, the game did ask me if I wanted to try it on an easier setting, but I just wasn’t having any fun by then. Better to break it off clean there and move on down the road, ya know? No one likes a “Stage 5 Clinger,” that’s for sure.

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Why you wanna treat me so bad, Piglas?

UGH!!! Why does this keep happening to me? Did I have a brain tumor for breakfast or something? All my friends find really great games that make them feel happy and content. When will it be my turn? When will I find the game that’s just FOR ME? And loves me for me and fulfills all my needs?? I’ve tried and I’ve tried and I’ve tried and they just all let me down in the end. Maybe it’s me. Maybe my standards are too high? I’ve been hurt before, I mean, really fucking devastated (first Assassin’s Creed…hello?), by games before, so maybe my defenses were up and I really didn’t try to let Beast Boxing Turbo into my heart?

No. It wasn’t me this time. This is all Beast Boxing Turbo’s fault with its crazy difficulty, recycled opponents and dumbed down fighting system (it ain’t boxing if I can’t go to the body). All those things had nothing to do with me. And I tried, I really did, but when you stop having fun it’s just better to walk away. It totally is.

Stupid, jerky douchebag of a game, ruining my first time and all!! Oh, I’ll remember you, Beast Boxing Turbo, but, rest assured, it will not be fondly!

BBT-BoxCoverArtBeast Boxing Turbo was developed by Goodhustle Studios

For $4.99 USD Beast Boxing Turbo will get you dressed up, take you out and then leave you wanting in the making of this review.

Plague Inc.

Plague Inc. is a game where the goal is to unleash a deadly disease onto the world and drive humanity to extinction.  It’s the feel-good game of the year!  I played a game with a similar idea a few months back called Infectonator, but the activities in that title were more hands-on.  In Plague Inc., your actions are mostly indirect.  You choose a starting country for the disease, then spend the next fifteen or so minutes gradually evolving it.  Give it resistance to climates, bacteria, or make it easier to spread.  Ultimately though, you have to jack up what it does to humans, to the point that it causes them to die.  Victory is achieved only through total human extinction, as I learned when a handful of healthy shitheads in New Guinea survived my first attempt at the game on Brutal difficulty.  Fuck them.  If I ever visit there, I’m going to walk around coughing on people out of spite.

I've been trying to warn people about this for years.  Nobody listened.

I’ve been trying to warn people about this for years. Nobody listened.

Let’s get the good out of the way first: Plague Inc. is about as grim a concept as I’ve ever seen in a game, and without cutesy graphics or an over-emphasis on tongue-in-cheek humor (it’s there, but just as garnish), it can be kind of depressing to play.  But, I can’t deny how exhilarating it is to watch the final healthy countries finally come down with the plague, or how satisfying it is when you get a pop-up informing you that humanity is going to go extinct and there’s nothing they can do about it.  There’s also a variety of scenarios for you to mess around with, each with unique properties.  Some plagues might give you less material to evolve the disease with, or it might kill too fast and you have to slow its progress down.  Play sessions are short, lasting ten to twenty minutes.  It’s not visually pleasing in the slightest bit (and sometimes the sound will cause your ears to bleed) but Plague Inc. is a perfectly good waste of time.

Now, in the immortal words of Marlon Brando circa middle age, here comes the but.

There are seven “stages” in Plague Inc., each representing a different form of disease to spread.  The problem is, the strategies for those are all pretty much the same.  I found what worked best was starting the virus somewhere in Africa (typically Egypt, which had both sea and air ports, plus after Moses I figured they’re used to this kind of shit), pump up its resistance to heat and cold, add a couple spreading agents, NEVER actually beefing up the plague myself until everyone in the world had it.  Once I had this down, the game was almost too easy.  Even the later twists and turns like the Bioweapon plague that kills victims too fast was a piece of cake.  I never understood why “piece of cake” became the defacto nonchalance word for “easy.”  Ever had my Daddy’s fruit cake?  Shit will break your teeth.

There’s also some DLC, although there seems to be some confusion as to whether or not it can all be unlocked over the course of the game.  I bought two pieces of it: the first was a worm one that I’m fairly certain can be unlocked by beating all the stages on Brutal difficulty.  The second, a zombie mode, cost $1.99 and if it can be unlocked through the normal channels of the game, that’s news to me and to the game itself, because no reference was made of it.  What’s weird about that mode is the price.  The full game of Plague Inc. costs $0.99, yet this one single stage which is not significantly different from the main game (instead of a virus it’s zombies, which you also have to spend attribute points on. Yawn) costs $1.99.  The game comes with one starting stage and seven more that can be unlocked, not to mention three “cheat” stages that completely remove all the gameplay (and thus fun) from the game.  So for $1.99, you get an extra stage that costs double what the game costs and provides you with 11.1% of the content.  I do believe that is one of the worst values I’ve ever seen in gaming.  And I own a couple Vita memory cards.

Get used to screens looking like this, because there's not a whole lot else to see. Except menus.  Menus and a world map.

Get used to screens looking like this, because there’s not a whole lot else to see. Except menus. Menus and a world map.

A couple technical aspects to complain about: sometimes the “click here” bubbles that pop up to give you DNA points are right on top of the pull-down menu, making them impossible to click.  You have to zoom in and then scoot the map over to click it, and by time you do that, it’s probably gone.  Also, some of the scrolling text is just lazy.  There is no such country as “East Asia.”  Yet, when the population of East Asia is wiped off the planet, the game says “East Asia’s government has fallen.”  Okay, which one?  All of them?  Some of them?  The important ones?  Would it have been too much to ask that non-country regions in the game have different text?  Guess so.  But that’s really nit-picky.  I do wholeheartedly recommend Plague Inc., even if the DLC left a bad taste in my mouth.  It’s fun, and it’s a perfectly acceptable time sink.  Maybe not as addictive as some similar titles (this one certainly won’t mess up my week the same way Infectonator did) but it gets the job done.  Who knew destroying the world could be so fun?  Now I know how congress feels.

Plague IncPlague Inc. was developed by Ndemic Creations

Seal of Approval Large$0.99 (plus $3.98 in DLC) left no survivors for Randall Flagg or Mother Abigail in the making of this review.

Plague Inc. is Chick Approved.

Year Walk and Ridiculous Fishing

You know what I don’t understand?  Portable gaming consoles.  I get the concept, I think.  It’s a console, but you can take it anywhere.  Cool, right?  Except, when I think of situations where I use a portable gaming device, I typically only have a few minutes to play.  I’m not into gaming in car rides (even the nice Vita screen is unplayable with the sun glaring), I don’t do a lot of plane rides, and when I’m at home, I would rather play a game on a proper console.  The only times where it makes sense for me to play a portable game are when I’ve got ten minutes or less to kill.  Waiting in a line, or out having a cigarette, or with whatever time I have to spare during a lunch break.  That’s why I’m baffled at the types of portable games that are popular on Vita or 3DS these days.  Hey, I loved Persona 4 Golden as much as the next person, but I would have loved it just as much if I had played in on the PlayStation 3.  Probably more, in fact.  Why does Uncharted even need a stripped down portable version?  Why did Nintendo make a port of Ocarina of Time one of the flagship launch-window titles for 3DS?  These aren’t games designed to be portable.  These are console games that require significant time investments.  What if I just want to play something for five minutes while taking a dump?

The only valid argument I’ve heard is “what if you have to share the television with others?”  Granted, that was never a problem with me.  Only child here that had her own television from an early age.  I guess my parents weren’t keen on watching endless reruns of Barney and Sesame Street.  Still, as someone who is very fond of consoles, I’ve oddly never had the desire to carry one around with me.  Brian says I’m almost certainly in the minority on that.  I say that just proves how much smarter I am than everyone else.

And don’t say I don’t know humility.  I do.  It’s what measures moisture in the air.

The kind of portable gaming sessions I want are readily available.  They’re typically found on phones.  Most of the time.  Year Walk is a bizarre horror-adventure game based on Swedish mythology.  It seems like it could be a decent title, but this is one of those cases where the game failed to grab my interest right out of the gate and I just couldn’t get into it.  I’m not a big fan of point and click games.  This is more exploration-oriented than average, but I fucking hate games where you wander around with no clue of where to go, what your objectives are, or what the ultimate goal is.  Plus, it had features I’m not too keen on, like sound-based puzzles.  I typically play my iPhone games with the sound turned off, because I have a strong desire to not annoy those around me.  I mean, more so than usual.

I don't deny Year Walk is spooky. It really is. But I don't feel it's put to good use on iOS. I would have rather played this on a television.

I don’t deny Year Walk is spooky. It really is. But I don’t feel it’s put to good use on iOS. I would have rather played this on a television.

I didn’t finish Year Walk.  Not even close.  I spent most of the game just aimlessly shambling about.  Yea, the settings were spooky, but I would have rather played this on a console, or the Vita.  I probably should have fired this up on the iPad, where at least I could have seen things better.  But, the truth was, I didn’t want to play it anymore.  I was bored.  I think horror-adventure fans might get a lot more mileage out of this than I did.  Really, I was just disappointed that this wasn’t a game about Wicket’s first birthday.

. .

. .

. .

Get it?  Wicket was an Ewok.  Ewok sounds like Year Walk?

. .

. .

You know, Brian told me that one was no good.  I didn’t listen to him.  And now he’s gloating.  He said “it’s too obscure a Star Wars pun and you have to make too large a logical leap to draw the connection.”  Fine.  Trying again: I thought Year Walk was boring.  Would have been better if it had starred Luke Yearwalker.

. .

. .

. .

Ridiculous Fishing has absolutely no connection to Year Walk, other than being on iPhone.  When I told someone I was reviewing this, they said “I’ve never liked a fishing game.  Never ever ever.”  Although I can’t say the same (I was quite fond of Sega Bass Fishing when I was ten),  saying this is about fishing is like saying Punch-Out is an authentic boxing simulator.  Here, you use the tilt-controls of your phone to lower a fishing lure to the bottom of the sea.  While it’s descending,  you want to avoid touching fish.  Once you touch a fish, the descent stops and the lure starts to surface.  Any fish you touch at this point are on the hook and being reeled in.  When you reach the surface, the fish fly up in the air.  At this point, you whip out a gun and shoot them.

No, seriously.  You shoot them.  With a gun.  Okay, so it’s not the most ridiculous form of fishing I’ve ever seen.  These Lithuanians I believe have that covered.

God bless YouTube.

Fishy fishy in the brook.. I wonder if Brooks Bishop hated that rhyme as a kid?

Fishy fishy in the brook.. I wonder if Brooks Bishop hated that rhyme as a kid?

I’ve never, ever liked tilt-controls.  Ridiculous Fishing is the first game that I truly enjoyed because of tilt-controls.  It just works.  It’s accurate, it feels natural, and it makes the game more fun.  And Ridiculous Fishing is perfectly suited for micro-gaming sessions.  Got five minutes to kill?  Cast a line, scoop up some fish, shoot those fuckers up, and get back to what you were doing.  It also has actual depth to it, with time-sinky upgrades and a decent (not spectacular) variety of fish to catch.   In a sense, it’s the perfect mobile game.  My biggest complaints are how there’s no jelly-fish repellent among the items.  Well, that and the Game Center leaderboards are sort of limited.  Oh, and maybe the game is a teeny-tiny bit overpriced at $2.99.  A little steep for a game with no variety at all, especially on the iPhone market.  Of course, Year Walk cost $3.99 and it’s on the wrong platform.  It would probably make an excellent PC game, but at its price, it’s like paying LeBron James to play on your cricket team.

IMG_1040

Wait, you mean we’re not going to eat them?

Year Walk was developed by Simogo and I really want to try it on a console at some point. Ouya, perhaps?

Ridiculous Fishing was developed by Vlambeer and is Chick Approved.

Seal of Approval Large

Infectonator

Where have I been the last two days? Well, I’ve been working, hanging out with Brian, going to church (that’s right, Indie Gamer Chick goes to church), and while I’m doing all that, I’ve been utterly hooked on an iPhone title named Infectonator. Day and night for the last 48 hours. And it’s all Brian’s fault. He bugged me for a while, saying “I found this game on my phone that’s really fun and pretty addictive and I think if you liked that OMG-Zombies!, you’ll really like this.” Spot on he was, although on reflection, he might have been looking for a way to get a break from me. If so, another point for him, the crafty bastard. Infectonator is an utterly addictive time sink, sort of like OMG-Zombies! on steroids.

And it’s free.

IMG_0993

Really, this scene could have been done without the zombies. Make a game called “Black Friday” and instead of unleashing a virus, you throw the year’s hot Christmas item into a crowd of people. Would probably have a bigger body count too.

Oh sure, the game offers you a chance to pay cash in lieu of grinding, but I never found it necessary. I didn’t really play it totally non-stop. In truth, I put about six hours and change into Infectonator this weekend, but it felt longer. In a good way. The concept here is the opposite of OMG-Zombies! Instead of trying to exterminate the undead, you’re trying to create them, and wipe out humanity in the process. In the beginning, you’re given a single dose of a virus. Tapping the screen, you place the virus near humans, causing them to turn into zombies. They run around and kill humans, who may or may not turn into zombies. Every time you kill a person, you get coins that you can spend on upgrades, new zombie classes (that’s classes of zombies, not classes on zombies, but I think I’m onto something there if you’re short on game ideas), or special powers. Unlike some games like this, even the smallest upgrades feel like they make progress, which makes the gameplay very rewarding. An average game will take you about two hours to play-through.

I can sum up how potently addictive Infectonator is by saying that I played through it four times. Do you know how many games I’ve ever played through four times before this? None. Never once. Nor have I ever played through a game even three times. At most, I’ll play through a game once on one difficulty and once on a harder difficulty, then move on to something else. For whatever reason, I had trouble putting down Infectonator. A second play-through became a third. Then I realized I still hadn’t played the game with the super power-ups, so I saved up my cash in the third play-through and rolled it over to the fourth, immediately bought the super power-ups, and then beat the game a fourth time. I will admit, by this point, I wasn’t really having fun.

The first time around? Sublime. You couldn’t wipe the smile off my face (or the time-sink-induced drool from my mouth) with a jackhammer and dynamite. The second time around, I was waiting for “harder” mode to be, you know, harder, and it never came. But I was still having a good time. The third time around, I was just playing to save money to see how over-powered the super power-ups were. The fourth time, I was shaking my head at how easy the game was now that my virus spreader was passing through people and walls. Not only that, but I had so much money saved up (over $500,000) that I was also fully able to upgrade the amount of directions the virus spread in and beef up my zombies to the point that they were practically indestructible. I’ve always said I enjoy abusing leveling up systems, but I think I took it to a new extreme here and consequently ruined a game I had been having a damn good time with.  I’m ashamed of myself, I really am.

This scene is begging to be made into a movie. Just don't fuck it up by making the star Jack Black or Will Ferrell.

This scene is begging to be made into a movie. Just don’t fuck it up by making the star Jack Black or Will Ferrell.

My only other complaints are the typical ones associated with iPhone games. Infectonator crashed every single time that I tried to “report” my score. The way they implemented Game Center support is among the worst I’ve ever seen on an iPhone title.  Infectonator also bogged down several times. Never once did I have a problem on my first play through, but each subsequent game had slow-down issues. Plus I seriously question whether “hard” mode actually was hard, considering that I beat the game with fewer upgrades on my third play-through then I did the first time. I also found the endless mode to be quite dull. Of course, all these complaints are slightly muted by the fact that Infectonator is free. Free is a good price. Considering how horrible the values for Infectonator’s micro-transactions are ($9.99 nets you 100,000 gold coins, which isn’t enough for even one of those super power-ups that only works in one play-through), I wonder why they didn’t just slap a $0.99 price tag on their game? Maybe indie gaming really is a race to the bottom. If that’s the case, the guys behind this game strapped anvils to their backs and flung themselves down the Mariana Trench. No word on whether they waved to James Cameron on the way down. Or maybe they turned him into a zombie while they were at it.

I still enthusiastically recommend Infectonator. It’s free on iOS and Android. Are you one of those troglodytes that doesn’t have a phone? Well then you can play it for free online too. If I ranked non-XBLIGs on my Leaderboard, Infectonator would be somewhere near the top. It’s a glorious little time sink that does what any good time sink does: ruin your fucking life.

InfectonatorIGC_ApprovedInfectonator was developed by Toge Productions

Infectonator is Chick Approved.

Centipede (PlayStation Home Arcade), Centipede & Millipede (XBLA), Centipede Origins (iOS), and Bad Caterpillar (XBLIG)

Probably the biggest misconception about me as a gamer is that I’m anti-retro or anti-old games. I’m not. I’m simply of the opinion that some games age better than others. I wouldn’t want to play Space Invaders or Pac-Man as they existed back in the day. I’m perfectly fine with modern remakes of them, like Space Invaders Extreme or Pac-Man Championship Edition. On the other hand, some of those older games have aged pretty gracefully. Centipede is one such game. In fact, it’s one of the few golden age coin-ops that I feel blends in perfectly with the current generation. Its twitchy, fast-paced gameplay lends itself perfectly to ten minute portable sessions. It released recently on the Vita’s Home Arcade platform, and I snagged it for $1.49 in preparation for today’s review. That’s about what I would have spent to last 15 minutes on the coin-op if I had been alive in 1983. Did I mention I really suck at it?

Centipede on PlayStation Home Arcade (Vita)

Centipede on PlayStation Home Arcade (Vita)

So what do I think of Home Arcade? Um, hmmmm.. you know, in the four years its been around, I never have really used PlayStation Home too much. I would rather just be able to launch games straight off my Vita’s dashboard without having to open Home Arcade. The interface is clunky and half the time I’ll be stabbing the ever-loving shit out of the “your games” button and nothing happens. Having said that, the prices are pretty good ($1.49 each) and it has the advantage of being portable and on the coolest gaming gizmo in years. I don’t even have Home installed on my PS3, and I don’t plan on it, but you don’t need it to use Home Arcade. I can’t speak for the rest of the games (get back to me the next time an Asteroids clone hits XBLIG) but Centipede controls well. I guess you can’t ask for more. Which is a good thing, because what you get is a bare-bones port of the arcade original. They could have thrown in ports of the Atari home versions, but hey, it’s called making a lazy dollar.

I picked up Centipede on Vita because I wanted to compare it to Bad Caterpillar, a new Xbox Live Indie Game from Kris Steele. I like Kris, but the dude fucking aggravates me to no end. His games always have something glaringly off about them. Volchaos would have been fun if the movement physics weren’t so damn loose. The same goes for Hypership: Out of Control on XBLIG. If a gnat so much as farts in the direction of the analog stick, it sends your ship flying. In a game that involves lining up your character to shoot smaller targets, precision control is kind of needed. Hypership is actually sublime on iPhone, and very addictive. Of course, that has the advantage of having drag-the-ship touch controls for extra-accurate firing. His track record of acceptable controls on XBLIG is about as good as THQ’s record with bankruptcy avoidance. Considering that Bad Caterpillar looked really close to Centipede, a game which requires precision movement so much that the arcade original used a trackball, I braced for the worst.

Bad Caterpillar on Xbox Live Indie Games.

Bad Caterpillar on Xbox Live Indie Games.

As it turns out, my worries were misplaced. Bad Caterpillar handles pretty well. Not perfect. No joystick-based Centipede can possibly be perfect. But, I can honestly say that it plays better than any other version of Centipede I played today. That’s a lot of versions. For the sake of comparison, I also bought Centipede & Millipede, a 2-for-1 Xbox Live Arcade port of the arcade games. Movement for these is too loose to be acceptable. I’ve always had a difficult time in Centipede lining up shots correctly, especially when the last segments of the Centipede are near the bottom of the screen. That’s not a huge problem in Bad Caterpillar.  It’s a fucking chore in the XBLA arcade ports. If it was any looser, it would hang out on dimly-lit street corners and be considered a bio-hazard.

The "evolved" version of Centipede & Millipede on Xbox Live Arcade.

The “evolved” version of Centipede & Millipede on Xbox Live Arcade.

The biggest disappointment with the XBLA ports (besides the awful controls) is how the “modern” versions are really just the same old Centipede with some new (re: 15 year-old) special effects added. On the flip side, Bad Caterpillar looks old, but it features some nifty new ideas such as power-ups and bombs. Should probably clear this up: by new, I meant “new for Centipede.” My problem here is that they don’t get spit out often enough. I played full games where the item drops were nothing but points. The game should go nuts with them. I mean, I can already play a Centipede-like game that doesn’t offer power-ups. It’s called Centipede.

Centipede Origins on iPhone.

Centipede Origins on iPhone.

I guess I should bring up that I also played the iOS update, called Centipede Origins. It’s a micro-transaction oriented shooter that tries to controls like Kris Steele’s Hypership does on iPhone. But I found the drag-the-shooter controls to be too glitchy, with the cursor being unable to keep up with my finger, even as I dragged it slowly across the screen. Only played it for like five minutes, would never want to play it again. I also dug around and found my copy of Centipede for the Sega Dreamcast, but decided against spending any time digging around for the actual machine to play it on. Honestly, I’m all Centipeded out. So what are my thoughts? Well, the Vita version is a worthy use of money for a solid portable version of a masterpiece. The iOS version is just about the worst thing to happen to iPhone since Siri. The XBLA ports of Centipede & Millipede come across like quick, effortless cash-ins and should be avoided like the clap. Finally, the XBLIG update Bad Caterpillar is actually a decent game with a few problems. The moths are unfair, there’s no online leaderboards, and the heavy metal soundtrack is so out-of-place. It would be like going to Ozzfest to listen to country music. But I do recommend it, because it’s the best (and cheapest) version of Centipede you’ll get on your Xbox. Kind of sad that an XBLIG port made by a guy I consider to be a bit of a twat completely slays the official versions of Centipede. Just kidding, Kris.

xboxboxartIGC_ApprovedBad Caterpillar was developed by Fun Infused Games (80 Microsoft Points don’t think Kris is a bit of a twat)

Centipede & Millipede were developed by Stainless Games Ltd. (340 Microsoft Points think throttle monkey sounds like something found in the Kama Sutra)

Centipede Origins was developed by Atari (Free, except all the stuff that cost money in it)

Centipede on PlayStation Home Arcade was developed by Atari ($1.49)

Bad Caterpillar and Centipede on PlayStation Home Arcade are Chick Approved, and Bad Caterpillar is ranked on the Indie Gamer Chick Leaderboard.

Clear Vision and Clear Vision 2

Last year, I tried for a while to write a review of Clear Vision, a sickeningly addictive iPhone title that I ultimately didn’t write about.  Part of that is the game is fairly one-dimensional, takes only thirty minutes to beat, and I feel that praising a game that involves violently assassinating unsuspecting victims will get me listed on some type of government watch list.  Since then, a teeny tiny bit of DLC was released for the original, and this month a sequel hit, and I can’t turn it down.

IMG_0964

So here’s the concept: there’s a world of stick figures, and you’re an assassin for hire.  Someone will slip a request for murder under your door.  You then murder that person.  Rinse and repeat around twenty or so times each game.  Murders are typically done with a rifle, but occasionally you’ll interrogate someone in a car crusher, or make a murder look like an accident.  At the start of each game, you simply line the person up in your sight and fire.  Later, you have to account for distance and wind resistance.  It’s the same thing over and over again, but it never gets old.  In fact, the splatter of blood and slumping body are pretty dang satisfying to watch and an indication of a job well done.

Hold on.  A self-realization and reflection moment just overcame me.

I make no apologies for the fact that I had a good time playing these games.  I would have had a better time, if not for some glaring technical issues.  No matter which iDevice I was using, both games tended to crash.  Last year, the original Clear Vision, at times, crashed nearly every mission.  This year, Clear Vision 2 not only crashed on both my new iPhone and iPod, but would also have the occasionally stunted-frame rate that would require me to completely exit out of the game and reboot it.  Obviously this can be patched out, since I had to go through the original Clear Vision all the way from the fucking beginning just to play a measly five-minutes worth of DLC, and the game never once failed.  Crashes are not infrequent on iOS, for whatever reason.  This is one of the major reasons why I quit reviewing iPhone games.  On Apple platforms, even major titles (your GTAs, Dead Spaces, and Angry Birds) crash if you so much as attempt to play them.  I can’t really complain about indies doing so frequently.  But it craps up the play experience.  Clear Vision 2 was one of the worst offenders of this ever.  I counted it out: the game had seven hard crashes and four instances of game-killing frame rate issues on my fifth gen iPhone alone, plus several more while attempting it on my iPod.  Not even XBLIG puts up this big a fight when you attempt to use it.

I fucking HATED this minigame in the sequel.  It took me about twenty tries to get it right.  I felt like an ignoramus.

I fucking HATED this mini-game in the sequel. It took me about twenty tries to get it right. I felt like an ignoramus.

If you can get past the crashes, Clear Vision is fun.  You need both parts to get the full story, but they will only run you a combined $1.98.  You can also play half of the first game (or fifth game, depending on how you look at it) for free online.  Though there’s probably no harm in waiting a year to pick up Clear Vision 2, or at least waiting long enough for all the bugs to be cleaned up.  I do recommend both, but remember something before each time you pull the trigger: stick figure dudes have stick figure families too.

Clear VisionClear Vision and Clear Vision 2 were developed by DPFlashes Studios

IGC_Approved$0.99 each widowed and orphaned more stick figures than drunks running over street signs in the making of this review. 

Clear Vision is Chick Approved. Clear Vision 2 will be once they patch up all the technical issues.