Angry Zombie Ninja Cats
November 21, 2011 27 Comments
Correction to this review: Shahed Chowdhuri, the developer of this game, does not have a shitty attitude. He is one of the most generous, kindest, and intelligent men I’ve ever met. And now my friend as well. I was so off base about his attitude in this review. He’s one of those developers who wants to improve, and has the drive to see that through. He’ll be a force to be reckoned with some day. Mark my words. I stand by every criticism of Angry Zombie Ninja Cats. But in regards to Shahed, I know no finer man. I’m sorry, Shahed.
Naming your game might be the most important aspect of the creation process. If you give your game a shitty name, it might not sell very well, even if its well made. On the flip side, giving a mediocre game an eye-grabbing name could propel it’s sales into the stratosphere. In that spirit, we have Angry Zombie Ninja Cats, one of the worst games I’ve played on XBLIG coupled with one of the most blatant attempts at a quirky name dreamed up since Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters from Beverly Hills. Let’s break it down.
Angry: As seen in Angry Birds, a game with five-hundred million downloads to its name. Now obviously the “Birds” part of that title is not what made the game so popular. Birds are simply annoying sky-vermin that terrorize Tippi Hedren and shit on our cars. No, it’s the “Angry” part that caused the green to come rolling in. Anger is trendy right now. What, with all the tea party nonsense and this occupy everywhere hogwash featuring a bunch of idealistically bankrupt people on both sides of the political spectrum that, if pressed for answers, have no fucking clue what it is they are mad at. Indeed, “Anger” is the new “Hope.” I expect more companies to take advantage of this, and look forward to the announcements of such titles at Angry Halo and Pissed Off Pong.
Zombie: It goes without saying that your XBLIG simply has to have “zombie” in the title somewhere. After all, what would the Xbox Live Indie Game scene that touts nonconformity and innovation be if every developer didn’t staple their tongues to the zombie bandwagon and get dragged along for the ride? Not having zombies in your game makes you the square kid in school who tries to make do with his Payless shoes and eMachine desktop while the cool kids walk around in their Nikes and play on their iPads. Nobody wants to be that kid, so get the biggest shoehorn you can find and start cramming those zombies into your game before someone notices what a dork you are.
Ninja: If you fail to possess enough socially repressed chromosomes that you’re not gaga for zombies, well, lucky you. Spending your time talking with girls and driving in cars instead of thinking of ways you’ll survive the Zombie Apocalypse while rubbing yourself and fantasizing about all the now zombified bullies in your life that you will get to legally shotgun in the face. Well, if you’re not a Zombie Groupie you obviously must be a Ninja Devotee. Statistically speaking, you’re one or the other. And although zombies have certainly overtaken ninjas as the gaming flavor of the month, Ninjas in general tend to be more bankable. That’s why the 1990 film Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles made twice as much as the highest grossing zombie film of all time, Zombieland. Putting ninjas with zombies is the best way to hedge your bets and make sure your game is a success.
Cats: Oh come on. At this point, you’re just outright pandering. Introducing cats to the equation is the most transparent attempt at creating weaponized irresistibility in gaming history. First zombies, then ninjas, and now cats? And they’re all angry? Why you sly little cunts.
Put them all together and you have Angry Zombie Ninja Cats. With a name like that, quality doesn’t matter, even if it’s an unparallelled piece of shit. And it is. My God, what a wretchedly awful video game. It’s a platformer with jumping physics so loose it’s as if your controller got raped by a crowbar. It’s thirty minutes worth of processed boredom that is capped off by a final level so poorly designed that the developer had to create a video to explain to all us thickies exactly how to beat it, as if it’s our fault that the game sucks.
I get ragged on occasionally for “making fun of developers.” It’s not something I make a regular habit of doing. I mostly make fun of games, which some people take as a personal attack. I for one think that speaks more about them than me. But sometimes a developer really does deserve a good tongue lashing, especially when their attitude with “this game really has shitty level design” is to treat the players like they’re the idiots and say “wow, don’t you get it? Here, let me show you. How could you not figure this out?” It’s a shitty attitude to have. So remember, children, if you get stuck it a horribly executed XBLIG game, the secret to solving a stage requires you to stop and think to yourself, “well, if I was an egotistical game designer with my head stuck so far up my own ass that I could give myself a colonic using my tongue, what would I have done here?”
80 Microsoft Points vaguely remember having a few pending developer challenges in the making of this review.
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