Hudson Hawk (NES Review)

Hudson Hawk
Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System
Released December 27, 1991
Developed by Ocean
Published by Sony Imagesoft
NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED

My father is an unironic superfan of Hudson Hawk, so I want to preface this review by saying that, as miserable a time as I had, I’m happy that I’m almost 36 years old and I still get to play video games with my father, who’s about to turn 76. I love you, Daddy. Amo a mi Papá risueño! By the way, he hated the game too.

So yeah, Hudson Hawk is a terrible game that, like the infamous box office bomb that it’s based on, has a cult following. I don’t get it, at least with the NES game. Apparently most of its fans are fans of the home computer ports. They can have them. After playing the NES game, I didn’t like the concept of Hudson Hawk at all. I don’t even think it had any concept at all besides “hey, we got a license for the next movie starring the Die Hard guy! We’ve made it to the big time and OH MY GOD, what have we done?” At best, the game Hudson Hawk could have turned out to be a bland, rushed-through-production platformer. But, needless to say, the version I played is not the concept at its best. A game completely devoid of polish or craftsmanship, Hudson Hawk on the NES is one of the most sloppily coded games I’ve played at IGC. Currently, the worst NES game I’ve reviewed is Fox’s Peter Pan & The Pirates. A game that, mechanically speaking, I have nothing positive to say about. Hudson Hawk gave it a run for its money.

What the heck are these sprites? Hudson Hawk’s teeny tiny sprites all look deranged. “Oh look! The baby got into our LSD supply! Baby’s first acid trip! Look at that mouth foam! He’ll be having flashbacks for years and not even know why! How precious!”

I’ll start with the biggest problem. You’re given a whopping eight hit points per life, which sounds generous, but there’s a catch: they never bothered to program most of the notifications for when you’re taking damage. Some elements, like bullets, make a noise, but for the most part, damage is completely silent. There’s no damage sprites. There’s no blinking (my term for invincibility frames). There’s typically no noise to indicate you’ve been hit. You don’t even get to see your life bar during the action. You have to pause the game to do that. Here’s what that looks like with an enemy dropping objects out a window onto you. I had seven hearts going into this and let the guy drop something on me. Despite the fact that I lose six out of seven hearts here, you wouldn’t know it from how the game reacts, which is LITERALLY NOT AT ALL!

It’s unbelievable that anyone making a game that’s supposed to be fun could actually believe this was a good idea. “Nobody likes it when Mega Man goes GLLLLLICK or when Simon Belmont goes PISSHHH. Let’s just not do that, and everyone will love our game!” I’d like to see someone ROM hack those games to remove all reactions to taking damage, including removing the life bar from the primary gameplay screen and see how fun they are. The answer is “they would be next to unplayable.” It’s like how only an idiot would hear about those people who are born with CIPA, aka congenital inability to feel pain, and think “I wish I had been born with that!” In reality, those people live short, tragic lives because pain is sort of essential to survival. Well, the appearance of pain is essential for action games to work. Don’t believe me? Play Hudson Hawk, a video game that has CIPA. That alone qualifies it for a NO! but Hudson Hawk has other fatal problems.

The gigantic slap that I think is supposed to be a punch is one of the weakest-feeling attacks on the NES. Usually a lack of OOMPH is because there’s no damage frames, but the lack of quality sound plays into it here.

Hudson Hawk is based around precision movement and jumping, but this is one of those games with seemingly deliberately rough controls, mechanics, and physics. I hate that. I always have. Saying the game engine itself should be the source of the challenge is like saying a car’s airbag should be attached to the brake pedal. It always feels like a product of having no ambition at all. You get a pathetic jump, but typical to this piece of junk, even that doesn’t work right. For this teeny tiny little jump to work at all, you have to build up sufficient momentum first. So naturally they built the level design largely around ledges that you have to do the hokey pokey on, turning around and trying to position yourself to build that momentum. Then the developers REALLY give players the middle finger by having your movement in general be too loose. Take a look at this segment:

This room, the finale of level two, is divided into two sections. On the top floor, you have to avoid walking on those yellow squares. They’re trampolines which will launch you onto those bookcases and force you to return to the ladder you entered from and start over. These aren’t platforms you’re jumping over. It’s a solid floor. Hudson Hawk does this trick constantly. Instead of trampolines, it’s usually alarms that are the floor tiles you jump over. Regardless of what you’re triggering, it’s always too sensitive and far harder than normal platform jumping to get right. Then you get to the bottom floor, and it’s unstated that you’re playing “the floor is lava” only instead of killing you, touching the floor activates a cage that lowers around the book you’re trying to reach. You can see that the platforms are pretty small, so you barely have enough room to build that momentum up. You can’t just jump blindly either since touching a light does damage. It doesn’t tell you that part either. Hell, the lights don’t even look like danger elements. Neither do the wall alarms in level one.

Touching either of the circled switches triggers an alarm. These are cropped photos. They’re very small in the game, and even more annoying is that there are switches you have to deliberately trigger. Just making contact with the bad ones sets them off.

The level design is probably the only part of the game that comes close to not being thoughtless. To the developer’s minuscule credit, they did try to make Hudson Hawk feel like more than a simple Point A to Point B game. It’s based on a caper film about a cat burglar. Like every other aspect, they failed, because they never even come close to staging it correctly. The above sequence where you can’t touch the floor? That could have felt like a heist, but it comes with no warning, and you don’t even get to see the cage lowering around the book because you’re so far away from it. The consequences for hitting the floor are more likely to happen off-screen. I’d have preferred a text screen before entering the room to explain the rules. A small break in the action would have been better than how they set the table for it, and there are text screens in the game between levels. If you’re a game developer, you HAVE to paint a picture for your higher-concept designs. Hudson Hawk doesn’t do that.

If not for the loose movement and lack of damage sprites/blinking, some of the screens would have risen to the level of “fine.” Really! Nothing special. These are boilerplate video game challenges, but the classics are classics for a reason: they work. Well, provided the mechanics work.

I’m not a fan of the movie, but Hudson Hawk should lend itself to an action game far easier than something like Back to the Future. Actually, they probably should have leaned more into stealth type of elements. Hudson Hawk is a caper film. Make Hudson Hawk a caper game. But the “stealth elements” don’t feel like stealth gameplay at all, so it never really succeeds at being a caper video game. The “alarms” don’t function like alarms because you’re just jumping or crawling under them and, like everything else in the game, they’re too sensitive and too subtle. I’d also think a “caper” game would have more slap-stick based “outwit enemies” combat, but Hudson Hawk doesn’t do that either. You just kill baddies with flimsy baseballs that come with a stiff penalty for missing. Or, sometimes the baseballs only stun enemies for a second or two and you have to finish them off with a clunky slap move that doesn’t even have to make contact to work. They phoned-in everything. Look at this:

It’s a blind jump that, when you make the leap, the platform just appears. It’s not exciting, though. Players are going to try it because the developers built it in a way where there’s literally no other option but to just try to jump. It happens several times in this room, and then at least one other time late in the game. I’m pretty sure it’s the block I’m standing on in the picture below that wasn’t originally visible. I found it by accident when I shorted a jump. You know what would have been more exciting, knuckleheads that made this game? Having it visible, because then I know what needs to be done and the consequences for not doing it. You’ve created the wrong sense of relief: surprise relief that builds no anticipation. Did any of you even play video games before you started making this?

And I might as well say it: this is one f*cking ugly game. I have no idea what motivated the art direction but these sprites are terrible.

My spidey-sense tells me the invisible platform thing might be a relic of a deleted gameplay mechanic that required an item to reveal hidden platforms. That’s a caper-like thing. There’s no items that affect gameplay at all. My father said the game they should have tried to replicate was Konami’s Goonies II. A licensed game with caper-like first person exploration segments. But, Goonies II is an excellent game because it probably took a lot of effort to make, and who has time for that? As a general action platformer, Hudson Hawk has no excitement because of the poor movement and jumping, and because the graphics are so ugly that you can’t even see half the things killing you. All these fatal problems in a game that has so little ambition to begin with. Hudson Hawk is a movie that’s famously overproduced. Maybe the designers felt like they had to balance the scales of the universe by grossly underproducing it.

Oh thank God I’m finished with the game.

The best thing I can say about Hudson Hawk: at least it’s not as bad as Peter Pan & The Pirates. I did have to think about it, though. Probably the second best thing I can say about Hudson Hawk is the game only lasts three levels. That’s probably a pretty good indication of a creatively bankrupt game made by people who were completely disinterested. Maybe they saw a screening of film and were like “oh f*ck, this is what we’re making a game for?” It happens, but you can still make a great game out of a bad property. Ever heard of Johnny Mnemonic? It’s a famously terrible movie that Midway signed up to do a pinball table of before knowing how the film would turn out. Even after George Gomez saw the film and questioned every decision that led to him having this gig, the finished pinball machine is beloved by fans. If you work for a AAA game maker who does licensed games, you’re going to end up working on a mediocre IP eventually. Great developers resolve to make their game the best thing to ever come out of the franchise. The bad developers simply don’t care because they get paid either way, and the worst ones? They make games like Hudson Hawk.
Verdict: NO!

“WOOOOO BABY! COCAINE IS AWESOME! QUICK, SOMEONE HAND ME A POGO STICK BEFORE THE COME DOWN!”

Gremlins 2: The New Batch (Game Boy Review)

Gremlins 2: The New Batch
Platform: Game Boy
Released December 20, 1990
Developed by Sunsoft
NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED

I mean, it doesn’t look too bad, right? But actually Gremlins 2 is so bad that this became the first time since last May that I’m posting a review for a game I didn’t finish. Let’s coin a new phrase and say that Gremlins 2 on Gameboy is “Dynatron City levels of bad.”

It’s been almost two years since I gave a NO! to the semi-popular NES version of Gremlins 2. I know it has fans, but its awkward jumping and poor level design didn’t work for me. But, I’d rather be forced to play Gremlins 2 on the NES all day, every day for the rest of my life than be forced to spend another minute with the Game Boy version, also by Sunsoft. I don’t rage quit a lot of games these days. If a game becomes especially infuriating, I just use save states or even rewind to give me unlimited chances. For me to rage quit, I have to reach the point where I’m absolutely certain that the developers did not give the tiniest of squirts whether or not the game was fun, just as long as they were being trollish with game design just for the sake of it. With that said, Gremlins 2 is one of the worst Game Boy titles I’ve ever played, and it’s mostly owed to some of the most unintuitive use of springs I’ve encountered. The game is largely built around jumping off these, but the timing is pretty fickle. I never got the hang of it, and then came this part:

This is how the fourth and final level of the game begins, and without hyperbole, I spent twenty minutes rewinding and replaying trying to get past this. I never came even a little close. The springs don’t just send you flying up. You have to time when to press the button. That’s fine. Other games do that. Except the timing for Gremlins 2’s springs is so anal that it’s probably the shortest possible amount you can program on a Game Boy. Otherwise, you just fall off the spring. The challenge in the above screenshot is, within a literal fraction of a second, you have to activate the spring without falling off into the spike, move right, shimmy left, and land on the platform. You have to key this in perfectly to the microsecond, or you won’t make it. I fired up a full Longplay of it on Youtube and noticed even someone who apparently knew what they were doing could barely get past it. I tried and tried and tried, but then I glanced over at that video I cued up and noticed that, if I got past this literal start to the final stage, there were a lot more jumps like this ahead of me followed by a 100% blind jumping maze. F*ck you, Gremlins 2, I quit.

Gremlins 2 did exactly one thing that was kind of okay: these boxing glove blocks:

Which, logically, you have to design a convoluted situation with a basic enemy in order for them to work, but at least they’re satisfying to activate. I’m almost convinced they added these just to show their bosses that they had a vague notion of what “fun” resembles. They actually add nothing because there’s no way to improvise using them. The game just feeds you an enemy to kill whenever they pop up, and at most, you might have to scroll the screen a little to make it spawn, then retreat backwards and activate the glove. I think I just talked myself out of the boxing glove blocks being the one positive thing in the game. I really don’t think Gremlins 2 does anything right. I mean, I guess it looks fine, but when the game plays this poorly, what good is that?

For the bonus stages, you have ten seconds to hit that boxing bag 100 times to get a free life. With actual autofire on, I reached 100 literally as the timer ran out. Correct me if I’m wrong, but there was no way to do autofire on an original Game Boy, right? Jeez, Gremlins 2 is a game that never misses an opportunity to be cruel just for the sake of cruelty.

You know what? I don’t actually think the people behind this game were actually trying to make an enjoyable experience. Gremlins 2 is so bad and so disconnected from the films that it feels malicious. As if the game developers were Care Bear-like loveless villains plotting to make the children of the world suffer because they didn’t get enough hugs as kids themselves. Either that or the development team resented getting this assignment and resolved to make a terrible game out of spite. It’s not like everything else about Gremlins 2 was sublime. This is ALL bad. Your primary weapon is a pencil that you have to find at the start of every stage. It doesn’t carry over between levels. Logically a pencil would only be useful to stab enemies, but no, you bonk them on the head with it. You couldn’t swat a fly with a pencil, let alone kill a Gremlin with one, especially when its length barely extends beyond your own sprite. So, naturally most enemies take multiple shots to kill.

It goes like a single pixel further to the side than the last pixel of Gizmo’s ear. By the way, the bat gremlin drops three smaller bats that heat seek you, matching your movement perfectly. Sometimes, they will stop right above your head, but other times, it’s an outright unavoidable life slap.

Gremlins 2 is one of those games where you just have to accept damage again and again and hope that there’s a health drop or two in front of you. During a moving block sequence in the third stage, I tried over and over again to figure out how to ride the dang thing without being pushed off the platform by a spiky block and falling to my death, especially since it moves faster than I can jump and move. Apparently you need the tool box, but when *I* used the tool box, I lost it as soon as I took my first damage. Eventually I just decided to accept the loss of health and use the spikes as platforms. So, I didn’t finish Gremlins 2, which is fine because I’m pretty sure the developers didn’t either. This is the absolute worst Game Boy platformer I’ve reviewed so far. Granted, I haven’t done a lot, but I expected better from the studio that did the fairly decent Batman: The Video Game on Game Boy. I don’t even know why the people who made Gremlins 2 even wanted to be game designers if this is the type of garbage they wanted to produce. Hey jerkasses, you were making a game based on the film Gremlins, not Troll.
Verdict: NO!

Someone get Gizmo a stool softener.

Looney Tunes (Game Boy & Game Boy Color Review)

Looney Tunes
Platform: Game Boy, Game Boy Color
Released October 2, 1992 (GB) September, 1999 (GBC)
Directed by Akito Takeuchi
Developed by Sunsoft
NO MODERN RELEASE

Early in my play session with Looney Tunes on the Game Boy/Game Boy Color, I thought this was going to turn out to be an underrated game. One of those “jack of all trades, master of nothing” affairs, but a decent one. The idea is neat: each of the seven levels sees players taking the role of a different heroic member of the Looney Tunes cast. In level one, you play as Daffy and make your way through a series of bite-sized platforming screens. There’s even a novel attack gimmick: you throw a frisbee that works like a mix between a boomerang and the Dagger of Throwing from Wizards & Warriors. The controls were a little loosey-goosey and the collision wasn’t amazing, but I loved the projectile and the level design seemed well above average. I thought “okay, this could be special.” Nope. The problem is, after the first stage, you don’t return to that style of platforming until the last stage. And, when it returns, the decent level design doesn’t return with it.

The graphics are fantastic, whether you use the Game Boy or Game Boy Color versions.

The second stage has you playing as Tweety. This is an avoider-style platformer where you’re simply trying to avoid Sylvester. Having just played one of the best avoiders I’ve experienced, ironically a Road Runner game for the Genesis, this really doesn’t cut it thanks to the lack of variety. You just repeat the same tiny handful of obstacles for several agonizing minutes (it feels longer), while the strategy to avoid the cat remains the same: just zig-zag. You don’t die if he catches you, instead only losing a single heart (and there’s plenty of refills). There’s also a variety of open sewers that the cat will blindly run into, and it’s not very hard to trick him into doing so: just stay low. This was completely brainless and one of the worst second stages I’ve ever played.

This isn’t even the “big boss” of the stage. The little star tailing the witch is.

The third stage is the typical and seemingly required-for-certification Game Boy shmup stage, just like Mario Land or the Game Boy Batman. This WOULD have been okay, but the collision is at its worst here. That’s a big problem because the stage’s last boss shoots a heat-seeking fork that’s sometimes seemingly impossible to avoid. It can be shot down, but it takes a lot of shots to do so, and if it’s shot close to the edge of the screen, you just won’t have time. I died twice fighting this boss alone, and all six hit points felt completely unavoidable. I’m not the biggest fan of Mario Land’s shmup stuff, but Looney Tunes made me appreciate what that game accomplished. In the case of this game, I think the sprites are too big for what they wanted to do. Compared to some of the other ideas in Looney Tunes, this wasn’t a disaster, but it certainly wasn’t good.

“Level” four is a waste of time.

Level four is basically a no-fail bonus stage where you have a minute to get as much meat as you can with the Tasmanian Devil. It’s not very good, as it’s too easy to get stuck at the top of the screen. The whole idea behind this bonus stage made more sense in the original black & white Game Boy game. In the Color version, each level has a bonus stage attached to the end, making a mid-game solo bonus stage redundant and a massive waste of time.

The worst attack in video game history? Maybe.

Speedy’s stage I would call a back-to-basics platformer. Like in levels one and seven, you can jump on enemies, or you can use a projectile. But, the Fastest Stereotype in All of Mexico doesn’t get the kick ass frisbee. Instead, a single press of the fire button causes him to dance in place and shoot stars in multiple directions, one star at a time. It’s HORRIBLE! What were they thinking with this attack? His gimmick is literally that he’s fast, and they give him a super duper slow projectile that leaves him more open to attack. This is also where the level design goes off the rails, as nothing is really done to make this feel tied in any way to Speedy Gonzales. I’m going to guess they decided that, since the Road Runner was up next, having two stages based around speed made little sense. So, here’s a thought: DON’T DO THEM BACK TO BACK, YOU IDIOTS!

“We’re out of ideas. Have a couple rocks to jump over and then get the coyote in there.”

The Road Runner’s level is an auto-scroller where you have to dodge a handful of boulders and then the developers ran out of patience and just sent the coyote in almost immediately. He’s a boss that has to be jumped on, and weirdly, the same collision problems that plagued the shooting section are part of this stage, too. I died here in ways that felt completely unavoidable. The coyote certainly isn’t fun to fight, either. When I realized there was nothing to stop me from just going to the edge of the screen and jumping on him like a fleshy trampoline, the fight ended just seconds later. I get the impression that, at some point, everyone in the development side of things lost their will. Or they ran out of cart space.

“Get me out of this game.”

The final stage with Bugs Bunny plays identically to Daffy’s stage, frisbee and all. The problem is that this level leans very heavily into two things: a cramped screen and mini-boss battles. The cramped screen problem is tied to the bad collision. Looney Tunes is counting on you taking damage from not being able to scratch out a safe attack distance from the enemies. After some mild platforming bits, you rematch with every mini-boss (except the shmup one) that appeared up to this point, plus a new one. Then, you have to avoid a boulder in an extended sprinting sequence that had one idea that ran out of both tension and fun long before the level ended, then there’s a final battle with Elmer. This ended when I caught him in a collision cycle and basically could let go of the controller and still win the game.

The final battle is against Elmer Fudd, which I guess makes SOME sense since he’s the only villain to provably beat Bugs, which happened in What’s Opera, Doc?

I’m certain that Looney Tunes was better in 1992 or even 1999 than it is today, in 2025. But, this is NOT a good game. Only the first level was fun, and to its credit, it really is pretty well made. The rest of the six levels range from bland to outright bad. They should have stuck with the Daffy play style and fine-tuned it to perfection, because they were on to something. Without exaggeration, they had the foundation for what could have been one of THE great Game Boy platformers, and it’s a dagger to the heart that nothing that follows comes even a little close to the enjoyment of that first stage. Looney Tunes is like watching one of those Ben Simmons-style pro athletes that has all the talent in the world but without the cutthroat focus you need to break through to elite status. You can’t make a level as good as the first level in Looney Tunes without talent. What they needed was someone on their staff to realize that’s where the money was and not this genre mash-up crap that so many Game Boy titles fell into the trap of. You blew it, Sunsoft. You blew it.
Verdict: NO!

The Adventures of Tom Sawyer (NES Review)

The Adventures of Tom Sawyer
Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System
Released February 6, 1989 (JP) August, 1989 (US)
Developed by Winkysoft
Published by SETA
NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED

So much for “let he who is without sin cast the first stone” because this is a sin against gaming.

There are, in fact, two Tom Sawyer NES games, but I’m not reviewing the Japanese-exclusive RPG by Square, and not even because it has some seriously questionable content. It’s Tom Sawyer. “Seriously Questionable Content” is basically the novel’s 21st century title (and also makes for a great metal band name). I just don’t want to play a Japanese RPG. In fact, I only picked this platform game because I wanted a game I could knock out in under an hour that was bad in an uncomplicated way. And hey, for once I got what I wanted with that. The Adventures of Tom Sawyer is certainly not a good game. It has loose controls, unfair enemy placement, and some boring level design.

It’s so generic that it almost feels satirical.

To be honest, I’m not even sure what the point was in making a Tom Sawyer game in 1989. I know kids in my lifetime (which, granted, started in 1989) didn’t give two wet squirts about Tom Sawyer (and Huckleberry Finn was always cooler anyway), but did the generation before me care, either? I know there was a Disney movie with the kid from Home Improvement, but that was years later. I guess this exists because, for whatever reason, Tom Sawyer is popular in Japan. Who knew? But, this is as generic as a game gets. Well, with the exception of the river rafting sequence that makes up the entire second stage. It’s basically a shmup with jumping, and while the stage overstays its welcome by quite a margin, it’s also easily the highlight of the game. Well, except for how it handles jumping. When you jump, you can move around mid-air, except the raft doesn’t stay under you. I lost most of my lives on this part until I figured out to just not move mid-air at all. Otherwise, this feels like it could have been the whole game and it would have been much better off.

When you jump on the river rafting level, for god’s sake, don’t move after pressing the button until you land.

The rest of the Adventures of Tom Sawyer features boilerplate platforming gameplay from the era. You scroll. You jump. The hitch is that the game is more combat focused. You have an unlimited supply of rocks that you lob at enemies. Well, unless you pick up a slingshot, which I found to be mostly useless. Upon pick-up, your projectiles will travel straight across the screen for a limited time. Except, the enemies seem more tailored for the normal attack, so lining up to hit them is significantly harder with the item, and a couple bosses I’m pretty sure can’t be hit at all with it. Go figure. The combat is all the game has going for it. Besides that second level and a segment in the cloud section of the game where you ride the world’s worst controlling cloud, the level design couldn’t be more phoned-in. Not that I think it would be better if it changed-up the formula more. Your sprite barely “binds” to ladders when you start to climb them and falling off the sides is too easy. There’s some very mild climbing sections, but otherwise you just scroll and engage enemies, some of which spawn literally right on your sprite. Like this part:

I fully admit, I used rewind in this section.

I died the very instant a fish appeared on the screen multiple times while climbing up this waterfall. Now that’s the last level of the game, so maybe they felt the pressure to increase the difficulty in order to feel more climatic. But the actual result is this GOTCHA! crap forces players to heel-toe their way up the waterfall to “tempt” the enemies into spawning away from you. It totally ruins what should be Adventures of Tom Sawyer’s grand finale. This is level design 101 type of stuff and it shouldn’t be that hard to grasp why that type of design mentality is a terrible idea. Then again, by the third level of the game, I was already so bored with the combat that I was ignoring enemies and legging it for the finish. Maybe their play testers were too. Maybe that’s why the home stretch before the last boss does that. Wouldn’t surprise me, especially since most of the development energy seems to have been put into the boss fights, all of which feature gigantic sprites.

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They look great, but in terms of gameplay, they’re not that they’re much better. Both the first and last bosses only managed to fire off one single attack before I won. The fourth boss was a total slog that continuously summons demons you have to jump up for your rock to reach, and only when it’s lower to the ground too. The more interesting boss was a multi-tiered battle with a blimp that felt more like a shmup boss if, instead of a spaceship, you were piloting a shopping cart with a broken wheel. Please note that I didn’t say “good” but interesting. Then the game ends with Injun Joe riding the Loch Ness Monster, because at this point, f*ck it, why not? I just played through Tom Sawyer twice and my brain is already hard at work deleting my memory of it. There’s really nothing to it, and while it’s not putrid by any means, it also really doesn’t feel like it’s trying to stand out in any way. Paint by numbers levels (and a single last-pixel jump before the final boss), easy bosses, overrated graphics (it’s not ugly, but it’s not THAT amazing looking), loose controls, and even forgettable chiptunes. What was the point of this? Is there such a thing as anti-ambition? If there is, I think the Adventures of Tom Sawyer has it.
Verdict: NO!

“Oh my God! It wasn’t a dream! I performed a hate crime!”

LCD Games XI: The Quest for the Crystal of Liquid Displayfulness

Haven’t done one of these since Christmas of 2023. We’re overdue, and since Super Mario Wonder is taking me forever and I’ve also been binge-playing our AtGames Legends Pinball with Sasha the Kid and the rest of my family, I’ve not been posting enough updates to IGC. When in doubt, LCD games to the rescue. So, for the first time since 2023, here’s some LCD games of the 1980s and beyond. From here on, LCD features will include six games per feature. All of these are done by Itizso. If you have any mint condition LCDs laying around that haven’t ever been translated like this, you should hook him up and preserve them FOR EVERYONE. Trust me, the nostalgia for these is off the charts. My LCD features are among the most read here. Even after taking a year off LCDs, I’m still “that girl who reviews LCD games.” I had someone tell me “you should do another spin-off. The LCD Chick!” Yea right. I need LCDs for THIS site. They’re the best pinch hitters I got! Make sure to check out my retro review index for a full list.

Go play some LCDs. Retrofab has tons, and even more coming!

But, when you look at all the LCDs that have ever been made, even with as many as I’ve done, I’ve not come remotely close to scratching the surface of this genre of games. I’ve taken atoms off the surface at best. There’s tons of LCDs I’d love to do. There’s an Attack From Mars LCD! Are you kidding me? It’s pretty rare too, so rare most databases for LCDs don’t list it. The Handheld Museum doesn’t. This one doesn’t either. That should be f’n alarming. As much as it makes Nintendo furious, I think it’s nothing short of miraculous that ROMs for every classic game console, complete libraries, are readily available. I see zero evidence it affects sales of classic games or even the second hand market. But, with LCDs, 99.9999% of them will never be in compilations. Digital Eclipse will never do a Gold Master Series release on them. When they’re gone, they are GONE, and only a handful have been preserved by translating them into digital form like the ones reviewed in these features. If you happen to own LCDs that you cherish? They’re rotting. There is nothing you can do about it. The plastic will last essentially forever, but the game stored inside it will last about as long as your average human being, give or take. The majority of video games are preserved forever. The majority of LCDs are in danger of being lost for all time. If that doesn’t make you sick, I don’t know why you even clicked this feature. So, donate your LCDs to wizards like Itizso, which is basically giving them to the entire world.

Anyway, on with the feature. And yea, two of these I’ve already posted in my daily updates that I abandoned. Whoever guessed those would last a month wins a smack in the face for being right.

SPLATTERHOUSE!!
Varie/Namco (1988)
Gameplay Type: Cross-the-Road/Combative

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I just reviewed the arcade classic Splatterhouse and its not so good Sega Genesis sequel as part of Kung-Fu Master: The Definitive Review (it makes sense, trust me). So, why not start my first LCD feature in fourteen months with the handheld version many (including myself) didn’t even realized existed? Well, it’s not famous for a reason. I don’t know if Itizso’s port plays right or not, but without exaggeration, this was easily the fastest game over I ever suffered on an LCD in my life. If it was even two seconds, I’d be surprised, and the next several games didn’t play out much better. Even after ten or so games, I spent more time listening to the intolerable opening chiptune than I did actually playing Splatterhouse. To help you visualize this, here’s what that was like in game review form. The object is to catch DEAD. The Object is DEAD. The DEAD GAME OVER. Want to try again? The object is to catch laddDEAD. ThDEAD are you f*cking kidding me on that one? The object is to catch the ladders in order to DEAD GAME OVER. Excuse me, I’m going to go have a cry now.

Seriously, that’s what it’s like when you first start. There’s no grace period for enemies, and the knives that come in from the bottom left of the screen basically spawn on the same space you occupy, meaning some double kills are inevitable. The object is, in fact, to jump up and catch ladders so that you can zig-zag three stories and fight a boss to rescue your girl. The combat and safe zones are NOT intuitive, and it takes a lot of practice to figure out the timing. It doesn’t feel even a little like Splatterhouse and actually would make for a better Donkey Kong game, but after an infuriating start, I admit, there’s SOMETHING here. It took me a long time to get the timing down for the enemies, and I’m still not comfortable describing how to beat the boss. Basically.. stand back and don’t attack when he does, I guess. I can’t say I had a good time because it’s a busy game with tiny enemies, quick deaths, and one of the most ridiculous jump animations I’ve seen, but it wouldn’t take much fine-tuning to make this worthwhile.
Verdict: NO!

BURGERTIME!!
Bandai (1982)
Gameplay Type: Cross-the-Road

On the most basic level, this plays like Burgertime. Preschool Burgertime that completely misses the point of the genre, but Burgertime nonetheless. You shimmy up and down ladders and knock exactly two patties and four buns to the bottom of the screen, and then you do it over and over again. There’s one enemy patrolling every floor that you can pepper when they’re next to you. After one level, a little bar warps around and might temporarily block a ladder. At first, I wondered how this could feel like a maze chase since there’s no maze. The answer is “they didn’t even try to replicate that.” Instead, you basically play Red Light-Green Light with the enemies and wait for them to waddle away from the burger parts. Well, unless you kill them, and you might as well do that. Unlike the coin-op, you get all your peppers back between stages. If you can’t even wait that long, you get refills from ice cream and coffee mugs that appear on the first and second floors. So unless you screw up the timing of when to use the pepper, this is just too easy. I don’t even know why they bothered releasing this if this was the best approximation they could do of Burgertime. Um.. seriously? Two channels? TWO? Wouldn’t it have made more sense to turn the screen on its side so the playfield could be bigger?
Verdict: NO!

WESTERN BAR!!
Casio (1984)
Gameplay Type: Shooting Gallery/Quick Draw

How many games have you play as an alcoholic sheriff who gets ashtrays thrown at them? At least one! And actually, Western Bar is one of the better shooting galleries I’ve played in this format. You can tell the designers took a long, hard look at the Game & Watch franchise, because this is very Nintendo-like, and I mean that in the best way. Levels are divided into two parts. In the first, you have to shoot targets that pass from the right of the screen to the left while dodging objects thrown by two patrons. From the second cycle onward, sticks of dynamite are thrown from the left of the screen that you do NOT want to shoot (when are you ever going to learn to read the instructions, Cathy?). From the third cycle onward, the bartender will catch the sticks and toss them onto the playfield, and you have to walk next to them to dump your whiskey out on the fuse. I spent far too much time on Google trying to find out if that would actually work or just blow you up faster. I never got a clear answer. Either way, the second part is a quick draw match against an outlaw. You hide behind a table. He hides behind the left of the counter, and when he pops out to shoot, all you have to do is press the fire button. But, he’s capable of faking his move, so make sure not to draw until he’s actually in his shooting cel. Western Bar is a busy game (you’ll want this on full screen) but it’s genuinely a lot of fun and one of the best LCDs I’ve played that isn’t from Nintendo.
Verdict: YES!

WESTERN SHERIFF!!
Casio (1987)
Gameplay Type: Shooting Gallery

It even looks boring.

I had high hopes for this pseudo-sequel to the previous game, but Western Sheriff has none of the intense gameplay or charm of Western Bar. You gallop automatically on a horse and when bandits pop out, you shoot them. As you ride, if you hit a barrel, your horse loses 3 out of its 10 energy points, but they can be refilled with carrots. There’s tons of carrots. Far more than enemies, actually. From the second cycle onward, enemies throw dynamite from houses that have to be avoided. So, a fairly generic, mundane LCD experience, but there is one novel twist. Despite only having left and right directions, your gun can aim in multiple different channels. So, for example, if you move left, your gun will remain pointed the same way, but then moving left a second time will adjust your gun, then moving left again will move to the next space. So, that’s interesting, I suppose. But Western Sheriff is a total slog to play. If you want a good multichannel gunslinger, Konami’s Lone Ranger is so much better. and it’s on Retrofab.
Verdict: NO!

BEAUTY SHOP!!
Bandai Electronics (1981)
Gameplay Type: Spinning Plate

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Well, this is a different theme, at least. In Beauty Shop, you have to cut and shampoo hair. While there’s only three spinning plate channels, there’s seven movement “stations” in the game. Two of them are essential towards maintaining the spinning of the plates, while two of them can score optional bonus points: a tea tray on the left of the screen and a cash register on the right. These both blink in and out of existence rapidly, though you can actually get a rhythm for when they will appear. The sheer amount of movement for a three channel game is staggering, and this is further compounded by the fact that the customers won’t always get up as soon as you perform the action. They could require multiple button presses to satisfy. The game wisely created indicators to let you know which of the three is the one about to cost you a miss. The customers raise their hands, then get “steamed” if they wait too long. Beauty Shop is a shockingly intense game, but a flawed one. I feel that I only lost after 3,000 points because I kept making plays for the cash register and tea tray. Had I ignored them completely, I really think it’d be easy to just maintain the plates indefinitely. The two bonus channels don’t really score enough to justify their risk. I hate it when LCDs do that. Beauty Shop does a better job than most at the genre, but the risk/reward balance is completely wrong.
Verdict: NO!

CUPHEAD!!
“Homebrew” by Itizso
Gameplay Type: Spinning Plate

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Cuphead is an original creation by recreation master Itizso. While it’s a typical six-channel spinning plate game disguised as a gallery shooter, there’s a big twist to this one: you’re not scoring points. Instead, you’re just trying to survive for as long as you can, with scoring measured in minutes and seconds. Unfortunately, there’s no auto-fire here. You actually do have to mash the shooting button. This isn’t a game I could put extended playtime into without annihilating my hands. I suppose the question is “does it feel like Cuphead?” And the answer is “not even a little bit.” The pea shooter’s noise, that now apparently iconic clicking sound, is here for the LCD, but otherwise, nah. I think most fans of the franchise would be disappointed that the LCD is themed more after one of the platforming segments instead of an encounter with one of the humongous, transforming bosses. But, while I don’t think this necessarily works as a Cuphead game, the addition of leaderboards makes this a one-off spinning plate experience that I enjoyed, in small doses.
Verdict: YES!

Castlevania: Circle of the Moon (Review)

Castlevania: Circle of the Moon
Platform: Game Boy Advance
Released March 21, 2001 (JP) June 11, 2001 (US)
Designed by Koji Horie
Developed by Konami
Included in Castlevania Advance Collection

Bats are basically just sacks of blood, apparently.

I got Circle of the Moon on the day the Game Boy Advance launched in North America. Oh, I didn’t play it then. Did you ever watch the White Walker battle in the final season of Game of Thrones? Probably not, even if the TV was tuned into it, because you couldn’t see a damned thing. Castlevania: Circle of the Moon was kind of like that when it launched. Even after my father installed one of those aftermarket, warranty-voiding light kits to my GBA, visibility wasn’t very good and I still didn’t play it. Actually, because the Game Boy Advance screen was so impossible to see, I didn’t play a lot of GBA at all until the SP and the Game Boy Player (for my younger readers, this was a device that let you play Game Boy Advance titles on the TV via a GameCube) came out in 2003, both of which came with the novelty of being able to see the games you bought. Well, the Game Boy Player did. The original SP was front lit, because Nintendo never admits to mistakes until they’ve exhausted all other possibilities. But, for me at least, the killer app of the Game Boy Player was Circle of the Moon. In fact, I binged the three Castlevania GBA games back-to-back-to-back. And it was a couple of the happiest weeks of what would be a very crappy year for me. So, I cherish the Castlevania GBA trilogy. But, did they age well?

Find the right enemies and grinding can go so quick that it’s kind of shocking. Does it still count as “grinding” if you can get a couple levels in under five minutes?

As the second “Metroidvania” game in the series and the first since the legendary Symphony of the Night, Circle of the Moon had a LOT to live up to. Circle of the Moon doesn’t attempt to be quite as RPG-like as that game. Actually, it’s more like a noncommittal hybrid of a traditional Castlevania game and a Symphony of the Night-style adventure. While the actual map is massive and sprawling, your only primary weapon is the Vampire Killer whip. Apparently this is not THE whip of the Belmont clan and instead is called the “Hunter Whip” but who gives a f*ck? It’s the Vampire Killer, period, and there’s no permanent upgrades for it and no alternatives. Luckily, the whip is one of the most satisfying of any Castlevania whips, with plenty of OOMPH and a lot of magical spells to buff it and the standard assortment of Castlevania subweapons to complement it. The action is top-notch. Controls really well, too. This is one of those games that plays so well that it completely lives and dies on the merits of the design.

This was my map when I finished the game. Dracula is directly to the right of the first yellow block from the left. With his room filled in, this is a roughly 90% complete map, and I have no idea how many HP/MP/Heart boosts I missed along the way. I didn’t use a guide for them, and actually, I only used a guide for which enemies drop which weapons.

Instead of finding weapons, there’s only armor and accessories which are dropped by enemies. In fact, each individual enemy drops only two potential things, one common, the other rare. I’m not the biggest fan of this design because I hate having this type of thing come down to tracking down lottery tickets. Like, the second best armor in the game is dropped by an enemy that exists only in one specific room. Also, the base drop rate for this armor is 0.5%, and since there’s only one of these enemies in the entire game, if you don’t get it, you have to leave the room and come back and fight it again. Something about that is really inelegant to me, and for this game, I decided not to play along. Instead, I used save states to make some of the drops go quickly. Sometimes it made a big difference, but other times? I’m not at all encouraging you to watch this whole video, but even cheesing the game with save states, it could take quite a while for the item I was seeking to drop.

By the way, the dice seem to be rolled the moment the fatal shot is THROWN, not LANDED, so if you have a boomerang about to kill an enemy on the return trip, reloading the state won’t change whether or not the enemy drops something or not. Speaking of the Boomerangs, they’re pretty rare in this. I’d recommend holding onto them when you first get one because they’re seriously overpowered for all bosses.

Additionally, some enemies drop cards that allow you to cast spells. Unlike armor, card drops happen only once, but if you want to do THAT, logically the first kill against the target enemy should result in a drop. It doesn’t. Lame. There’s two tiers of cards that have to be combined. These mostly enhance your whip. For the most part, I only used two combos, one of which gave me a fire sword and one of which made my whip twice as long. I might switch to one that increased the damage I inflicted by 25% for bosses, but otherwise, I mostly stuck to those once I had them. The problem is the same as the accessories: they’re random drops from enemies. Every treasure that can be found (besides post-boss upgrades) are either upgrades to hit points, magic points, or max hearts you can carry. I didn’t start cheesing the game with emulation trickery until over halfway through the game. If the drop system had been remotely rewarding, I would never have done it. Random drops might be great for the surprise factor, but I can assure you, it gets old. I really think it would have been more satisfying to hide the big armor and accessories as treasures in the castle.

Mercury Card + Golem card ended up being, no joke, my favorite Castlevania whip ever. It reaches nearly half the screen and, although it comes at a cost of speed, it sure made backtracking a lot less painful.

So, this is awkward to say, but I found the RPG elements of Circle of the Moon to be some of the worst in a good game I’ve ever played. Too many enemies that are pushovers pay off too many experience points. Like this room here:

That “frozen shade” paid off so much that I was able to grind up about ten levels in under half-an-hour. It’s not up to players to use the honor system to protect the integrity of the game from lazy design. Designers are supposed to discourage that through challenge, right? Clearly that enemy was not something I was supposed to be fighting then and there. It had easy-to-dodge attacks and, with the fire sword spell and the star bracelets it dropped for me, I was wasting it in four or five hits, before it even fired at me. And since magic refills slowly (another bad choice, in my opinion) I didn’t have to hold back while fighting it. I have no idea how they determined some of these XP totals, but it makes Circle of the Moon one of the most exploitable RPG systems in the entire history of gaming.

One neat thing that it does do is replace weak enemies with strong ones as you make progress, though it waits a little too long to do this, and it doesn’t implement it nearly enough. If you want to put such a heavy emphasis on backtracking, you need more of this. These enemies are at the start of the game, but they don’t show up until you’re nearly finished.

There’s just absolutely no sense of balance, and no balance means no risk/reward to calculate. This is where you have to give turn-based RPGs props. In those, if you encounter an enemy that pays off so huge that you can hypothetically grind out hours worth of leveling-up in under half-an-hour, a punch-for-punch battle would see you go tits-up, lights-out in probably the first attack the enemy got on you. Action games can be that way too, but if you don’t PERFECTLY distribute the enemies or accessories, at some point the opportunity to cheese the game will present itself. Circle of the Moon does that a few times. It’s really badly done in that regard.

Don’t get me wrong: finding the hidden stuff is f’n awesome. I cracked a smile every single time a wall broke.

Now here’s the good news: the level design is mostly pretty good. There’s a ton of annoying backtracking and not nearly enough fast-travel tunnels. According to the game’s clock, it took me six-and-a-half hours to finish the Circle of the Moon, and I’d guess at least a third of that was spent making my way back to areas just to get one previously inaccessibly stat upgrade or find an enemy who dropped a card I missed. If the combat wasn’t so damn satisfying and the level design some of the best in this genre, I wouldn’t have been up for it. Yet, there’s a lot of really weird design choices that made me shake my head. Stuff that shattered my immersion that I was a badass vampire hunter exploring a castle. Like, this for example:

Are you kidding me?

One of the very last items you get from defeating a boss is the ability to shove boxes. Okay, that’s a time-honored staple of the genre. EXCEPT, one of the very first upgrades you get in Circle of the Moon is the ability to shatter stone blocks with a dash move. So, let me get this straight: Nathan Graves (hero of the game) masters the ability to shatter stone with his shoulder before he learns how to push a wooden crate out of the way? I had a spell that turned my whip into a goddamned flaming sword that, by all rights, should have set the box on fire, but I had to wait until the game was almost over to schlep a box? And by the way, they put a lot of those boxes throughout the “levels” of the game, so after getting this upgrade, if you want to boost your stats you have to spend about an hour just making your way to them so you can push them out of the way and pick up the boosts.

When the game is over, you get a series of passwords that allow you to replay the game in a different way, though the hero sprite is still Nathan. Thankfully, you don’t have to beat the game to get these, but honestly, they’re all really boring and feel like the type of challenges that pro gamers come up with to keep themselves amused. The Wizard (pictured here using a spell that turned me into a skeleton) is activated by putting FIREBALL as your name, which is also the name of Angela’s dog. Funny. The wizard is weak in everything except magic, and you start the game with every card so you basically have to magic your way through it. GRADIUS is the fighter, who can’t cast spells but his strength is insane. CROSSBOW is the “shooter” who has weak stats and has to use sub-weapons (including a new version of the dagger) that come at half the cost of hearts to use. This is one of the worst ways to ever play a Castlevania game. Finally, THIEF has weak stats but enemies drop stuff at a significantly higher rate. Sorry, no upside-down castle this time.

In terms of a pure action game, Circle of the Moon is clearly one of the most elite launch games in the history of the medium. It’s actually astonishing to think about: this was a day one Game Boy Advance game. I mean, pity about the vision thing, because the wide variety of enemies, settings, and huge boss fights make this legitimately a pretty good Castlevania adventure. While the RPG aspect is a complete airball in my opinion, the epic scale of the boss fights almost makes up for it by itself. This includes one of the best Grim Reaper fights of the 21st century, a memorable encounter with a gigantic minotaur that’s practically trapped in a pillory, and an even more gigantic two-headed dragon. Sadly, after several top-notch boss fights, the game ends with back-to-back AWFUL fights: the battle against Nathan’s rival, the insufferable Hugh Baldwin (who was originally going to be a playable character) and one of the most sloggish Dracula battles ever. Seriously, the final form of Dracula includes this dashing attack where he’s invulnerable and it’s just the worst. Castlevania: Circle of the Moon sticks the landing about as well as that pole vaulter who landed ass-first on the pole.

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Okay, so Circle of the Moon wasn’t as good as I remembered it. Not even close. I can’t stress enough: this WAS the killer app for the Game Boy Player twenty-two years ago. It was the reason I wanted to own one in the first place, and I suspect I wasn’t alone in that. In 2003, at the age of thirteen/fourteen, it felt like it lived-up to my high expectations. But, it certainly didn’t hold-up perfectly two decades later. As great as the map is, it’s not an optimized map. More fast travel points would have been transformative of this game. Hell, just get rid of those and turn the save stations into fast travel points. Why not?

I’m a complete idiot, because it turned out I had the ability to do this much sooner and I just somehow skipped past that card.

Plus, the lack of balance really shows a roughness that I never noticed the first time. Like, the first time I played the game, I beat levels out-of-order because the way you clean the toxic water out of that level is so far away and disconnected from that area that I actually missed it back in 2003. I beat the toxic water level without ever cleaning the water. I just thought it was a really hard stage. That’s on the designers. Actually, knowing where to go next is not intuitive. The first time you play this, expect a LOT of aimless wandering. Thank god for the combat. Circle of the Moon is lucky that Castlevania’s core combat is so bulletproof that you can tack on a terrible RPG system and some haphazard Metroidvania progression and still have a good game. But I’ve been wrong for the last twenty years, because I thought Castlevania: Circle of the Moon was great. It’s pretty good, but nowhere near great.
Verdict: YES!

THE INDIE GAMER CHICK CASTLEVANIA REVIEW SERIES
 Castlevania (NES) Dracula’s Curse (NES) Adventure (GB) Belmont’s Revenge (GB)
Super Castlevania IV (SNES) Dracula X (SNES) Rondo of Blood (SuperCD²)
Chronicles (PSX) Circle of the Moon (GBA)  Kid Dracula (NES) Kid Dracula (GB)
ROM Hacks (NES)
Konami Wai Wai World (NES) Wai Wai World 2: SOS!! Parsley Jō (NES)

I’m now convinced Dracula has a plant fetish.

Mickey to Donald: Magical Adventure 3 aka Magical Quest 3 (Super Famicom/SNES Review)

Mickey to Donald: Magical Adventure 3
aka Magical Quest 3
Platform: Super Famicom
Released December 8, 1995
Developed by Capcom
Originally Never Released Outside of Japan – Ported to GBA in 2005
No Modern Release

How many trilogies have the first game end up being the best one? I can’t think of many.

I hated the Great Circus Mystery, which had nothing inspired about it. That’s not exactly the case with this third and final Magical Quest game. Hell, I even think they could have released this in America and saw roughly the same success as MQ2. I get why they didn’t. While Mickey Mania didn’t exactly block the release since Traveler’s Tales and Sony didn’t own exclusive Mickey Mouse rights for any window, Magical Quest 3 looks kind of fuddy-duddy when put side by side with Mickey Mania. Regardless of whether or not Magical Quest 3 is the better game, Capcom had experience with one of their sprite-based games getting smashed by a game promoted by cutting edge cel-graphics: the Aladdin fiasco with the Capcom SNES game and the Virgin Sega Genesis game. They didn’t want a repeat, and Mickey Mania was even better looking than Aladdin, on the Nintendo platform as well, and critically acclaimed, so they said “nah.” Yea, that’s almost certainly why this didn’t come out in America. Sad, huh? Especially since Magical Quest 3 is no-doubt-about-it better than the SNES version of Mickey Mania. Whether or not it’s better than the base Mickey Mania that I gave a YES! to on Sega CD wasn’t as clear, at least immediately.

Unlike Magical Quest 2, where you can choose to play as Mickey or Minnie but it doesn’t make any gameplay difference, Mickey and Donald are unique characters with unique costumes and abilities. Well, “unique” is a bit a stretch, and I’m almost certain the climbing costume has the same abilities despite having a different look. Both characters each have a knight-like combat costume. In water, Mickey sinks in his suit of armor while Donald, who looks like a complete tool in his barrel, can float. See, Mickey? You should have dressed like a tool. Of course, in the underwater stage, you can’t use Donald’s suit at all since it takes you to the top of the screen.

One HUGELY annoying aspect of the game is just the act of turning around, because you don’t just turn and face the other way. You also move a character segment forward. That makes avoiding boss attacks a huge pain in the ass.

In the knight costume, Mickey follows in the footsteps of Green Arrow and uses a lance with a boxing glove on the tip, while Donald uses a hammer. BOTH are hugely satisfying and probably the best costumes in the entire franchise. No notes. The problem instead is the magician costumes and the randomly-generated refills for them. Mickey is CLEARLY a comic fanrat since he throws playing cards like Gambit. Donald wears a fez and uses a lamp with a genie to cast spells. Mickey’s costume allows for rapid fire, while Donald’s projectile has a pronounced delay for the animation. When I fought this mini-boss as Donald:

I had to hold down the fire button to successfully score hits. The boss is immune to all attacks BUT the magical costume, since it’s shooting fast moving cannonballs at you that you have to deflect. TECHNICALLY you can use two costumes with Mickey, but with Donald, you can only use the magic costume, and it makes for a slow, agonizing fight. Early on, I thought they corrected the problem with spongy bosses, but they didn’t. There was a boss fight with a giant flower that died so quickly that I couldn’t believe it, But, by the halfway point of the game, boss fights once again dragged on so long that it sucked all the excitement and joy out of the battles. Even the mini-bosses are total slogs to fight. On the plus side, collision is better than the SNES Great Circus Mystery, but if the gameplay isn’t fun, that’s not much of a consolation prize.

The final battle against Pete did ALMOST put a smirk on my face since he changes costumes like the player. Cute idea, but the animation is so limited and sloppy that it’s like amateur hour. He just sort of waddles back and forth, and when he attacks, it doesn’t do a convincing job of creating the illusion that it’s one sprite doing all the work.

I’m genuinely fine with extended boss battles. I just drooled all over the fact that I spent nearly an hour battling a boss in Super Mario RPG, and I could totally be on-board for a platform boss being along those lines, but only if the fight is kept exciting. That requires changes of tactics, but most Magical Quest bosses have one form of attack and maybe some kind of rushing move, so two total gameplay elements that are then repeated randomly over and over and over. They also usually have some kind of interval when they’re vulnerable, so the fights feel like you’re just waiting around for something to happen. These are BAD boss fights, and they didn’t have to be. Cut the damage required in half and they would have been fine, and maybe even fun.

The first boss is actually a massive tease because he’s the type of boss I want. He has two distinct forms that feel different and take the correct amount of shots to pass. I have no idea why all the bosses aren’t like this.

Like Great Circus Mystery, I assume a lot of the decisions made were done to accommodate co-op play. This time, I *did* play a limited amount of co-op, but it’s just a slower experience that mostly comes down to one player creating a platform for another player. It’s the same problem World of Illusion had: the original game was fine, and you don’t need to build a co-op game out of that. You need to build UP, and co-op inherently prevents that. Part of me has always wondered if that’s why the New Super Mario Bros. games never “did it” for me. How many things have to be sacrificed so the co-op design can work, which has a NICHE audience as opposed to the all-encompassing one of the original game? With that said, the levels are significantly improved over the second game, but they’re still not as good as the first. There’s also some problematic elements related to the climbing gear. It’s done like a lumberjack, with a rope around the thing you’re climbing that you use to sort of scoot upwards and fling yourself. But things like these:

I really struggled greatly to “bind” myself to, even with practice. It’s certainly not intuitive or smooth-flowing. There were multiple moments in the game where I was stressing that a soft-lock was in play and ultimately only barely got past because an enemy appeared that I could use to bounce off of. There’s an overall lack of elegance, and lots of situational issues where if you run out of ammo for the magic, you probably will get stuck. The refills are random, even if they’re inside blocks. A couple times, I had to rewind the game and break blocks a couple times to assure I got refills so I could use the magic to create a platform to scale over a structure and continue the level. Well, the obvious answer is that these segments were made, you guessed it, for the co-op. If they feel that strongly about co-op, stand by your conviction and have no single player. Because all the uninspired design made for a co-op experience that between 5% and 20% of all players will probably use really seems to be the root cause for all the conservative level design.

Well, the climbing stuff isn’t great in general, single or otherwise. It’s slow and clunky, and so when they do the rising fire trope in the final level based around it, it doesn’t land at all. You can’t do that gimmick if it’s based around unreliable controls.

Or how about this one part where there’s switches and you have to use the climbing rope to drag a barrel over to them. Except, you don’t actually DRAG the barrel. Even though they’re placed quite a distance from the object, you have to throw the rope out and catch it, then drag it one single space, then repeat until it’s on the switch. Look how far away it is! How stupid! It’s actually breathtaking how consistently the Magical Quest games consistently manage to add busy work and subtract fun from so many aspects of gameplay, from bosses to platforming segments to even the act of putting a barrel on a switch. Did they sit around with a stopwatch and try to find places they could add seconds to the gameplay, so that nobody could accuse them of making a game that can be finished in an hour?

I actually thought this was going to get a YES! by virtue of being closer to the first game than the second, but when it was all said and done, I actually had to ask myself “did I really have fun with that?” At the start of the game, I did. The first couple levels were pretty good, but the fun stopped soon after. I played Magical Quest 3 twice, once with Mickey and once with Donald. The two characters weren’t so different that it felt necessary. When the credits rolled on the Donald game, I said “well, that was a colossal waste of my time.” And that’s when I knew my verdict. Unlike Great Circus Mystery, Magical Quest 3 isn’t entirely a wash. There’s a couple really good levels, but the majority of the game is a slow, clunky bore. I was bored playing it, and I was bored writing about it. There’s a reason why this franchise died the death it did. The first game was the best, and it felt like it left so much on the table. The ideal Magical Quest game would be one that takes the first couple levels from Magical Quest 3 and somehow cuts them and pastes them into the middle of the first game. Magical Quest 3 isn’t a dumpster fire, but it’s not good, either.
Verdict: NO!

At least this one has an air meter.

Blade (Pinball FX Table Review)

Blade
First Released December 8, 2010
Main Platform: Pinball FX
Switch Platform: Pinball FX
Designed by Imre “Emeric” Szigeti
Set: Marvel Pinball Collection 1 ($23.99)
Links: Strategy GuidePinball FX Wiki

Oddly enough, only a handful of the Marvel pins actually attempt to feel like they’re tied to comic books. You’d think Blade would be one of those that didn’t, but it’s really second only to Spider-Man in creating that comic-like energy using fonts and key art. We really like how this looks.

Blade does two things really well. First, it’s a pretty good tribute to early-to-mid 90s William/Bally tables. A clean, simple layout that flows really nice. Second, as stated above, this is a no doubt about it COMIC BOOK pin in the same way that Ed Kryinski’s Incredible Hulk (1979 Gottlieb) and Amazing Spider-Man (1980 Gottlieb) were. Blade isn’t anywhere near as good as Zen’s take on Spidey, but it’s a damn good table. Modes zip right on by after a couple shots, instead of the typical Zen grind. A novel monetary system allows you to buy a variety of upgrades, like kickbacks and extended ball save for the cowardly, or high-yielding scoring opportunities. Oh, and this could have easily been Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest Pinball. The table shifts from day to night and back again, with modes and bonuses exclusive to each. This could have come across as gimmicky, but it actually does work thanks to balancing what is and isn’t available during each cycle.

Signature Feature – Day/Night Cycles: All the missions (main modes) must be done during night by shooting the Lawlor Trail between the flippers, which is a shockingly tough shot. Night also has some of the best hurry-ups in Pinball FX, where you have to shoot specific lanes to slay vampires for money. The shop where you spend that money is only open during the day, along with the path to the valuable items. Our main knock with the day/night concept is that the clock for it is on the left slingshot. It would have been really great to have a separate ticking clock somewhere. Make it optional if people are afraid about ruining the purity of the visuals.

Blade’s layout looks conservative, but actually, it’s one of the more elegant and deceptively complex shooters we’ve seen from Zen. And that’s just the layout! The rules are very ambitious, with RPG-like mechanics such as stamina, money, upgrades, and collecting items. You build your Stamina (and avoid shots that drain it) so that you get more time to complete the modes. If there’s a problem with Blade, it’s that it’s the rare Zen table that doesn’t quite have enough shots. What shots are here are perfectly fine, but it can wear thin in extended play. It’s also very conservative in scoring, but without any of the balance that type of scoresheet requires. It makes Blade a table where shooting combos is just as exciting as making jackpots, which might not necessarily be a good thing because it means excitement doesn’t build. It’s incidental, and that’s before I get to an absurdly overpowered scoring device so wildly imbalanced that it broke my father and has me cracking up. It’s a whole new level of badly balanced.

Signature Element – Citadel: This mini-table is where you collect the items. This is one of those kinds where you have to poke the ball off the correct rail. It’s the second one from the bottom that you want to light (which is done via the spinner), though it’s also that item which completely throws Blade’s scoring balance out of whack. You’ll see why..

During a day cycle, the path between the flippers will take you to the Citadel instead of the mode start. Trust me, you’ll want to go here first. There’s four total items. One adds 100 points to every score, which is basically worthless. One cuts the cost of items in half, while one cuts the amount of mode start targets you need to hit in half. Those two are good ideas. The fourth and final item, Azu’s Belt, doubles all scoring permanently. Wow. Yea, that’s insane and I have no way to spin that where it makes any sense. It badly hurts Blade’s flexibility, because the only logical strategy to start the game is work towards getting the belt as soon as possible. I don’t think it’s a deal breaker, but it does sting quite a bit. While I think this does a better job than most at ambitious RPG-like gameplay, I kinda wish they’d just stuck with the old school gameplay with new-school surroundings layout. It’s one of my favorite designs, but Blade throws a lot at you and the results are more mixed than a table that shoots this well should be.
Special Consideration – Nintendo Switch: On Switch, Blade has orbits aimed straight at the drain, which doesn’t happen in the Primary Pinball FX builds. They need to fix this, since you need to hit those shots sometimes. Until then, we consider the Switch version to be OUT OF ORDER
Cathy: GREAT (4 out of 5)
Angela: GREAT
Oscar: GOOD (3 out of 5)
Jordi: GREAT
Sasha: GOOD
Primary Scoring Average: 3.6 📜CERTIFIED EXCELLENT📜
Some review copies were provided in this review, others were paid for.

Pix the Cat

Before Pix the Cat, the biggest surprise I’ve had at Indie Gamer Chick was OMG Zombies! by Laughing Jackal. Usually, when a game catches me by surprise by being a higher-quality title, it still doesn’t end up ranking extraordinarily high on my Leaderboard. OMG landed in the top 20, and held on for a while. In fact, it was today’s title that finally bumped it down to #21. The thing about Pix the Cat is, I think it’s an even bigger shocker. Laughing Jackal at least had a track record. The addictive and quirky Qix tribute Cubixx came from them as well. With Pix the Cat, their previous titles didn’t exactly inspire confidence. Notably mediocre was their XBLIG title Arkedo Series #3: Pixel! Pretty game for sure, but awful play control and boring, bland platforming. They also did a couple uninspired endless runners for mobile devices, including one featuring Rayman. I think I was perfectly justified in assuming Pix the Cat would be more mediocrity.

And it was. If you play the PlayStation 4 version. However, the Vita version? Whoa.

That’s what makes Pix the Cat so bizarre. On PS4, I found the controls so sloppy and unresponsive that it was practically unplayable. Whereas, on the Vita, I never felt like I wasn’t in full control, even as the game reached insane levels of speed. I actually wondered if it was in my head, but no, Cyril of Defunct Games (who clued me into Pix in the first place) experienced the same issues. Hold on though, because it gets weirder. You can use the Vita as a controller for the PS4 port, and when you do, suddenly the controls are good again. It certainly has given me pause to wonder if I was wrong about how good the PS4 controller is. And really, I think Pix controls bad enough on PS4 that it’s not even worth looking at until they fix it. So, when you see Pix’s shiny Indie Gamer Chick Seal of Approval, note that it’s for the Vita port. The PS4 version seems to be a tad bit tipsy, so the rest of this review will focus on the port that’s on Vita.

I probably should just have posted trailers instead of screenshots. Some games don't lend themselves to screenshots. Yeah, I'll do trailers for the rest of the review.

I probably should just have posted trailers instead of screenshots. Some games don’t lend themselves to screenshots. Yeah, I’ll do trailers for the rest of the review.

The formula for Pix the Cat is as follows: mix the movement mechanics of Pac-Man (and the timer of Pac-Man Championship Edition) with the puzzle mechanics of Chu Chu Rocket. Then, allow those two to breathe new life into the antiquated play mechanics of Snake (immortalized by the Light Cycle sequence in Tron). The end result? The biggest surprise of the year, at least from my point of view. As a cat, you must walk over eggs. The eggs hatch and become chicks (as in baby chickens, not mouthy indie critics). Then, for some reason, the object is to drop those chicks into bottomless holes. I have no idea why. Maybe Pix’s family is standing under the holes with their mouths open. Maybe the game is trying to soften up people to the idea of culling. Maybe I’ve put far too much thought into this. Anyway, the catch is that you never stop moving (like Pac-Man) and the chicks always follow you in a single-file line that you can trap yourself in (like Snake). You speed up and score bonuses by grabbing all the chicks before dropping any off in a hole. Once you drop off all the chicks, a door opens taking you deeper in the game. The object is to get as deep as you can and score as many points as possible before the time runs out. It sounds simple, and really, it is. Since stages aren’t randomized, you’ll need to rely on multiple replays, memory, and pattern recognition to post to the online leaderboard.

It really says something that the most rewarding part of Pix the Cat is just getting better at it. It feels like an accomplishment. Sometimes I would play for extended stretches of time and barely make any progress at all. But during those runs where everything clicked right, and I would make it just one level deeper than I ever had been? Exhilarating. It’s not just having a good run, but knowing you’re having run and overcoming the nerves, the sweaty palms, and an overly twitchy thumb that’s in charge of everything. I *loved* this game. Not since Pac-Man: Championship Edition DX has a scoring-based game utterly sucked me in on this level, and worked in so many ways.

Is it perfect? Nope. Even though the Vita version controls significantly better than the PS4 version, if you’re on a really good run and the speed is kicked up, there were times where I felt even the most steady-handed gamer would have difficulties making the types of turns and precision movement some of the levels required. I also felt that some of the special effects get in the way of the gameplay more than they make it exciting. Various filters are used to signify how well you’re doing. It reminds me of some NBA games I’ve watched, where they blast the most obnoxious music over the PA system. Songs meant to rally the home team, where I’ve thought “jeez, it must be hard to concentrate with that shit blaring.” In the same vein, all the filters used to make the game seem lively really just distract from an otherwise brilliant game, and I wish you could turn them off.

Oh, and those load times. Pix the Cat has some of the worst in 2014. With games like this, fast-paced, twitchy, and score-driven, immediately dumping into another run right after you finish the previous one is imperative. That “just one more go” mentality I think is the reason Spelunky has excelled to the degree it has. It’s really tough to maintain that strangle-hold on a player’s attention if load times are as excessive as they are in Pix. When you’re rolling really good, you don’t want to wait thirty seconds to begin the next round. Fuck that. My heart is racing RIGHT NOW, and if Spelunky can have me being impaled by a stalagmite one second and beginning my next run in two to three seconds, why can’t Pix? I mean, it’s not like this is Grand Theft Auto V in scale, here.

And those secondary modes, while a nice free addition, really just don’t stack up to the arcade mode. Laboratory is a decent but dull puzzler with similar play mechanics (and graphics) to a variety of iPhone games. Nostalgia is much more interesting. You have to pick up a set number of eggs, which is different for each stage. However, each stage has its own unique style, many of which are fresh and unexpected. What makes it really stand out is the beautiful late 1920s animation style (think Steamboat Willy). Both these modes would be good enough to earn my Seal of Quality if they were sold separately (as of this writing, I’ll say #134 out of 213 listed games for Nostalgia and #190 for Laboratory). What I hate is that you have to unlock them at all. Sometimes, if you’re especially off, you might want to switch modes while playing Pix. The duller Lab mode unlocks relatively quickly. Meanwhile, you need a million points to unlock Nostalgia. For the less skilled among us (cough), this can take a lot of time and practice. Since this mode offers a totally different experience from the main game, and in fact, I’ve met some people who prefer it to the arcade mode (weirdos), it really should be open from the beginning. I wish developers, indie or otherwise, would quit doing this.


Nostalgia Mode’s Trailer. Yeah, they made a trailer just for it, but it takes one million fucking points to unlock. Ugh!

Pix the Cat. What else can I say? I expected nothing, and instead I’ve given up many hours to it, and have been telling anyone who will listen to grab it while it’s still free on PS+. But if you miss it there, I promise you, it’s worth putting up money for. Like Pac-Man Championship Edition or another indie favorite of mine, Orbitron, it feels like the natural evolution of classic arcade style gaming. Where high-scores and prestige ruled the day, and where every minute spent with the title is a minute you spent getting better at it. Pix has a lot going for it. Yeah, I wish the PS4 version didn’t have that input lag, and I wish the game in general toned down some of the special effects a bit, but otherwise, this is a game that will sneak time away from you. And you won’t mind. Even the load times, annoying as they are, seem somehow fitting. It’s a game about a cat, and cats do things at their own pace. Whether you like it or not.

Pix LogoPix the Cat was developed by Pastagames
Point of Sale: Vita, PlayStation 4

IGC_ApprovedPix the Cat was free on PlayStation Plus (regular price $16.49)

Pix the Cat on Vita is Chick-Approved and Ranked on the Indie Gamer Chick Leaderboard. The PS4 version needs a little work first.