Wai Wai World 2: SOS!! Parsley Jō (Famicom Review)

April 9, 2025 by 2 Comments

Wai Wai World 2: SOS!! Parsley Jō
Platform: Famicom
Released January 5, 1991
Developed by Konami
Never Released Outside of Japan
NO MODERN RELEASE

It looks like it’s going to be so much fun. Sigh.

Hoo, boy this is awkward. A lot of my friends have very different taste in games than me. While I was suffering through the first Wai Wai World, people I like and trust assured me that the sequel would be a lot of fun and to not worry about it. So, I didn’t. I really did have faith this was going to blow my socks off. Well, my socks are still firmly attached to my feet and I’m so darn butt hurt about it I could spit nails. So, it falls to me to knock YOUR socks off. Let’s see if this statement does it. Ahem. I really hated the first Wai Wai World, but I’d rather play it than this sequel because this is one of the most boring competent games I’ve ever played in my entire life. Wai Wai 2 is mechanically fine and it’s dull.

Instead of the possibility of playing as every character in a single run, you’re limited to only three of five Konami all-stars, which are.. you know what? F*ck it. There’s no point in even saying what characters are included or what games they’re from because they don’t feel anything like the original characters.

This is NOTHING like the first Wai Wai World. That’s all I really knew about Wai Wai 2 going into it. I never looked at a screenshot, and if I played this when I ran through hundreds of NES ROMs a few years back, I don’t remember it. So, when I saw the look of the game, my first visceral reaction was “eww.” It’s not what I was hoping for. Wai Wai 2 reminded me of Kid Dracula, which I liked just fine. It’s an okay game, but that art direction worked for it, and I’m over it. For this franchise, I wanted something that resembled the sprites from the Konami library, not hyper-cute versions of them like Kid Dracula did. It’s what the first Wai Wai World did and what I thought I was signing up for. But, I kept my mind open, at least until the gameplay slammed it shut with one of the most intolerable opening stages ever.

Look! It’s the guy from Contra! I mean, it doesn’t look like him or play like him even a little bit. You can’t even shoot the gun diagonally. None of the iconic power-ups that made Contra an all-time classic are along for the ride, which would be the only reason anyone in their right mind would want to play as the guy from Contra in a non-Contra game. Allegedly the spread gun is here somewhere, but I didn’t see it, and it wouldn’t have helped in THIS game. Even with just the basic gun, he’s so overpowered that he takes what little stakes there are out of the game completely. Calling this the Contra guy is jiggling a key chain at its worst.

Unlike the first game, this is a completely linear ten level genre mash-up that opens with one of the slowest auto-scrolling platform stages I’ve played. An introductory stage that has no excitement at all. I’ve never used the fast forward function on my emulator as early as I did here, and then I kept going back to it because there’s so much dead air where nothing is happening because the screen isn’t so much scrolling forward as it is eroding forward. I’m not a big fan of auto-scrolling platforming in general. I can tolerate it, but not when it’s this slow and nothing happens. The enemies are easily dispatched and the game continues to inch forward. When the stage was still going on minutes later, even though I frequently fast-forwarding, mind you, I really started to become afraid the whole game would be like this. When the second stage allowed me to actually do the scrolling, it was such a relief. “Well, at least the auto-scrolling is finished.” And then, later in the game, this happened:

By the way, that robot is the main character, with all the Konami all-stars being like power-ups you switch to.

That is a screenshot from the slowest and most boring auto-scrolling stage in the entire history of video games. LOOK HOW SLOW IT SCROLLS! Who the hell play tested this? Did they think it was exciting? Did they think this was fun? Now, the stages where you actually do the scrolling aren’t the worst levels in game history, but they are very boring. The designers seem to have overcorrected the difficulty problem of the first Wai Wai World, because this sequel is completely toothless. I never died once during the platforming segments, even though I was braining myself on the spikes in the slow-moving swimming stage above. Besides one boss fight, I don’t think I ever had more than one or two hearts worth of damage. I can’t imagine playing this co-op, because it sure seems like one of the two players is going to have nothing to do for all but one level. There’s not enough meat in these levels for one player, let alone two.

I feel like this is the embodiment of the Leonardo DiCaprio pointing at the TV meme. I too recognize that scene with three coffins from Castlevania III. Jiggle jiggle.

Instead of switching on the fly between the different characters and using them to get past character-specific obstacles, this is just a pure, mindless action platformer where the all-stars are glorified power-ups. You collect an item that turns on a meter that swaps between the three icons of your Konami all-stars loadout. When you press UP and A on the one you want, you switch to that character for the next sixty seconds. Oh, and you’re now invincible. For sixty seconds. Not even fast counting Punch-Out!!-like seconds, either. Granted, if you take damage, it takes a few seconds off the countdown. That doesn’t matter though. This is a seriously cinchy game. I’m not even kidding when I say this is like a baby’s game.

Most (if not all) platforming bosses can easily be beaten by mindlessly slashing at them. I’ve found that a reliable barometer for how mindful a game’s developers are of the type of game they’re making can be found in how much effort a boss takes to dispatch. If you can literally walk up to one the first time  you ever play it and, without making any effort to dodge its attacks, defeat it by simply mashing a button with no regard for how much damage you’re taking by doing that, that’s usually reflective of the game being a product of developers who simply didn’t give a sh*t. Don’t mistake what I just said for easy. It’s not the same. An example of an easy boss is the first Bowser in Super Mario Bros. You still have to actually have timing, especially the first time you ever fight it. Some proactive step has to be taken instead of just not caring what happens to you because you’re going to outlast it regardless.

But even if you do take damage while wearing one of the all-stars, there’s so many power-ups that start that meter. Even if you’re already wearing an all-star, you can start the meter going by grabbing an item, wait for the count down to get low, and activate it for the same character again. By the end of Wai Wai 2, the game is giving you the items for that meter seemingly every screen, allowing you, in essence, unlimited invincibility. On top of that, there’s “health boxes” which reset the timer to 60 seconds. Someone got paid for this idea, and someone else got paid to say “good idea!” to that person, and someone else got paid even more to agree with the second person and green light the first person’s idea.

In addition to the platforming segments, there are also a bunch of one-off distractions from the mediocre platforming along the way. Like, the lead-up to the Castlevania stage is basically Frogger. It lasts under a minute, but it’s better than anything in the platforming stages. And for you shmup fans, don’t worry, I’m getting to that. It’s the only good part of the game.

Of course, having so many of these all-star switchers are probably there to accommodate co-op because, as always, co-op ruins everything. Even taking co-op into consideration, the game abandons the idea of the items being special by the end of the game. I couldn’t keep up with all the meter-starters in the last few levels and didn’t bother trying, but they seem to have forgotten about the 60 second timers. I don’t think I took a single hit of damage for the back half the game, at least in the platforming stages. It’s like Wai Wai 2 gets stuck in God Mode, and God Modes get old fast. You just can’t design a game like this and expect it to be enjoyable, you know?

This would have been neat if Kid Dracula didn’t also do a similar Castlevania, only with much more fun play mechanics. Or if I want to play something like Castlevania, I could just, you know, play Castlevania. I thought the point of Wai Wai was to play Castlevania with the Contra guy, and it’s actually THE Contra guy, with the sprites from Contra and the controls from Contra. That’s the game we all want, right? That’s quirky and weird, especially if you play it completely straight.

I feel like they just had the wrong overall concept for the platforming bits, which make up over half the game. It’s such basic, generic level design with no-frills combat. The closest any Konami game comes to this isn’t actually Kid Dracula. It’s the NES Tiny Toons, another overrated Konami game that’s all style and no substance. What was even the point of doing a sequel to Wai Wai World that doesn’t feel even a little like the first? I didn’t like it, but it does have fans and, at the very least, I’m very intrigued by the concept. I feel like this couldn’t possibly appeal to whatever fans the first game made, but at the same time, this feels so disconnected from the other Konami characters being honored that I’m not even sure why they bothered with this game at all. The platforming stuff is all pure digital boredom and I have nothing positive to say about it, but at least there’s a couple very, very good shmup stages.

A comically gigantic version of the iconic Big Core MK I from Gradius is the highlight of the entire game. It’s very cool and actually very challenging. When I wasn’t capturing screenshots, I lost several lives fighting it. You’d swear these segments are a different game entirely. They basically are. Crying shame that they’re stuck in Wai Wai World 2.

Unlike the first Wai Wai game, the shooting stages actually feel like the real games that inspired them. Specifically TwinBee, which is the third stage and Gradius/Salamander, which is the eighth stage. Both of those are “branching paths” but what that means is if you play the game a second time (or reload a save state to return to the level select screen, which is what I did), you can play a different course. This only happens with the shmup stages. I don’t know why they didn’t cut or merge some of the platforming stages and then have every other stage be a shmup, since they’re really fun. I’m not so much into TwinBee, but it’s alright and so are its levels in this. But I’m a huge fan of the whole Gradius format, and both the stages and the encounter with the giant Big Core are every bit as good as the franchise deserves. It’s basically a slightly less silly version of Parodius.

I literally sat up in my chair when the game transitioned to third-person in the TwinBee section, but it was a massive letdown. This is only a bonus stage that feels like After Burner, and all you do is get bells, and here, you can only juggle the bells into one color instead of many. There’s also no enemies. I was really hoping for a boss fight. I’m about to play somewhere around a dozen TwinBee games for a Konami Shmup Definitive Review, and I wouldn’t mind seeing more of this, as long as it does more.

There’s one other branching-path segment that allows you to choose between doing something that kind of resembles a sliding puzzle, only without the normal sliding puzzle rules, or a car driving level. The puzzle was bizarre only because, while you solve it, you occasionally have to switch the position of a character that has a train heading for her. It’s not hard and just adds busy work to the puzzle experience, but it was different. The car level was somewhat close in both look and feel to the Autopia level from Adventures in the Magic Kingdom, which is shockingly one of the most popular reviews I’ve ever written. It controls looser, has projectiles, manual jumps, a boss fight, and it’s much more challenging, but it still feels similar. In fact, when I reached that stage, I wondered if Magic Kingdom was the game that inspired Wai Wai 2. Magic Kingdom had large, hyper-cute characters and basic platforming. The difference between the two games is that one is the platforming is just better done in Magic Kingdom. No boring auto-scrolling helps.

It’s not hard to figure out why Wai Wai World didn’t take as a franchise. It feels like the first game created an amazing set of blueprints to build off of. You never know! Who imagined after playing the first Grand Theft Auto that it would go on to become one of the biggest things in gaming? For all we know, Wai Wai had that breakout potential, and Konami squandered it by seemingly choosing a team that didn’t get the joke of the first game. The idea of a dead-serious cross-over like Wai Wai World is kind of funny by itself. The first game would have been charming if not for the plethora of technical problems. This sequel isn’t charming. It feels like it’s trying too hard to be irreverent and quirky. Going over the top with the wacky sprites and completely changing how the roster of all-stars is implemented so that they no longer feel remotely connected to the games they came from feels like it betrays the entire concept of the first game. And the designers didn’t even stand by their convictions, because they stuck so closely to the TwinBee/Gradius formula for those stages that they feel like they were stolen from other games instead of belonging to this one. I think a ROM hack could save the first Wai Wai World, but this? I don’t think it came from a place of inspiration. It feels cynical, and I can’t forgive it for that.
Verdict: NO!

THE INDIE GAMER CHICK CASTLEVANIA REVIEW SERIES
 Castlevania (NES) Dracula’s Curse (NES) Adventure (GB) Belmont’s Revenge (GB)
Super Castlevania IV (SNES) Dracula X (SNES) Rondo of Blood (SuperCD²)
Chronicles (PSX) Circle of the Moon (GBA)  Kid Dracula (NES) Kid Dracula (GB)
ROM Hacks (NES) Konami Wai Wai World (NES) Wai Wai World 2: SOS!! Parsley Jō (NES)

I honestly forgot this was in the game. After the auto-scrolling in level one, you do this shmup section where you can shoot both ways. It’s as forgettable as the platforming segments.

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Back to the Future (NES Review)

March 10, 2025 by 3 Comments

Back to the Future
Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System
Released September, 1989
Designed (?) by Mark Morris
Developed by Beam Software
Published by LJN
NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED

Angela is going into filmmaking and is the movie buff to end all movie buffs. She loves Back to the Future. She loves “movie magic” and special effects in general. But, besides, pinball, she’s not so much into gaming at all. However, I have a blast showing her these old video games and their, ahem, “interpretations” of films. My longtime followers will remember me reporting on her tantrum when she found out that E.T. for the Atari 2600 didn’t contain flying bicycles. Showing her this game, just the first level, she was baffled. “Is it…… Grease? They made a Grease game? Oh wait. HEY DAD, what’s that show with the Fonz? Happy Days? Is it Happy Days?” It wasn’t until I got to the map screen that said “Hill Valley” that her face turned red. “That’s Back to the Future? Are you kidding me? Wait, that’s the photograph of Marty and his siblings at the bottom? Why does he look like a greaser? Where’s the life jacket?” However, she was impressed that it had the Enchantment Under the Sea dance and Johnny B. Goode and getting to use the DeLorean.

Well, I did the Super Famicom quasi-sequel, so I figure I might as well do the game that I THINK is single-handedly the reason Super Back to the Future Part II gets the occasional praise. I think SBTTF2 is a horrible game, but compared to THIS? Yea, I can see people thinking they just played a masterpiece. Part of me wonders if the main gameplay was even meant to be a Back to the Future game or if they had a generic gameplay template that they just plugged in vague BTTF references. For most of the game, Back to the Future is an auto-scrolling avoider/shmup. You have to simply stay on the road, avoiding enemies and obstacles while picking up clocks. If you pick up a bowling ball.. yes, a bowling ball.. you get unlimited firepower to take out enemies. What any of this has to do with Back to the Future is beyond me.

They remembered to include the memorable scene with the bees, though. Who could ever forget that scene? The scene where Marty dies from bee stings and Lorraine starts screaming and crying at his funeral about how he’s not wearing his glasses. Oh wait, I’m thinking of My Girl. Okay, well I officially designate this the NES version of My Girl. Oh Jesus, f*cking end me.

Okay, so the degree of difficulty in turning a fantasy comedy that has minor action bits like Back to the Future into an on-trend NES game was high. There was one scene in the whole movie, and only one, that lent itself perfectly to video games. No, not the Delorean lightning scene.  He literally just drives a straight road, and nobody wants to play as Doc. No, I’m talking about the scene where Biff tries to run down Marty with his car. I love car chases. They are my absolute favorite movie trope, bar none. But, that scene is not in the NES game, because of course it’s not. How is it that these licensed games constantly forget to put the one part of the property that feels like it’s in the movie/TV show FOR the video games into the video games? Krull did it. Rollergames did it twice. E.T. did it. BUT, in the case of Back to the Future, it kind of feels like the street scenes were meant to be the car chase, and they just forgot to include the car part. The problem with road sections is they’re so damn boring, but the game keeps going back to them. They don’t play badly or anything, but it’s a boring design that doesn’t feel like it connects to the property. It feels like an immediate rug-pull.

And this is where the game falls apart for good.

There’s four other gameplay styles, though. In the first, you have to throw mugs at bullies as they enter a cafe. This scene goes on FOREVER. Like, seriously, if this had actually been in the movie, Marty would still have been throwing mugs at bullies while George watched with binoculars from a safe distance as a drunken Biff approached Lorraine to um.. well, yea. Marty then would have blinked out of existence, meaning he never went back in time to push George out of the way of a car and we’d have a major paradox. What I’m saying is this level is so bad it could end the universe. The same engine is then recycled for the next break from the road levels, only this time you have to shield yourself from your mother’s affection as she fires a continuous stream of hearts. If just one heart gets past you.. uh, what? Take me down this road. What’s the consequence? Look at it this way, Marty: it’ll make for an interesting bar story some day.

The stated object of this level is “break Lorraine’s heart.” I mean, seems a little late. I just always assumed the mom got freaky with him after he got hit by the car. She’s insatiable, and besides it was the 1950s. Ideas like consent were still purely hypothetical. Could have made for an interesting sequel. “Marty, you have a long lost older brother named Mortimer. You see, your mom.. uh.. had her way with this guy named Calvin Klein while he was unconscious and she ended up pregnant.” “Whoa, this is heavy!” “Yes, and so was your mom when she was 17. For about nine months, at least. Weirdly, he wasn’t named after his father. Actually, you were, Marty. Also, I just realized you’re a dead ringer for him, too. Hey, wait a second.. oh, oh that whore! LORRAINE!! IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WANT TO TELL ME?” I’m probably going to get in trouble for this review.

The worst of the levels is the Johnny B. Goode scene, where you hold a guitar up and down to catch music notes. The difficulty spike of this section is pretty bonkers. During my play session with Back to the Future, I only died once on any of the road scenes. They’re fairly easy to clock and, once you have the bowling ball, it’s not really THAT hard to avoid touching enemies. But, I wouldn’t have passed the guitar segment (or the cafe scene, for that matter) without cheating. The notes just come flying in too quickly, and the amount of memorization required was too much for me to handle. Thank God for save states. By the way, I had a giggle when I realized using save states alone made this more of a Back to the Future experience than any of the gameplay did.

It’s basically an LCD game at this point. Like, seriously it’s not that hard to imagine that if Tiger Electronics did Back to the Future, it would look something like this six-channel spinning plate mini-game.

Finally, you have to avoid lightning strikes (and the ground they’ve touched) and get the DeLorean up to 88 mph. There’s no sense of speed and the road is too narrow for all the lightning strikes that happen, but at least they worked the DeLorean into the game. That’s what’s astonishing about NES Back to the Future. The core gameplay could be any property BUT Back to the Future. It doesn’t look like Marty McFly and it doesn’t look like 1955. It is what it is. BUT, they did include major scenes from the film. They all suck, but they’re there. I go back to how high the degree of difficulty was to make a logical video game out of Back to the Future. Not every great movie lends itself to video games. Or, as Angela put it best: there’s a reason why there isn’t a Citizen Kane video game.

It’s an ugly game, too. Even by the standards of 1989. Remember, this came out nearly a full year AFTER Super Mario Bros. 3 was released in Japan. I don’t expect a four-man crew to be able to pull off that kind of look. But, this is one of the lower-tier games in raw appearance. Part of the reason the game plays boring is it looks boring.

Back to the Future is yet another throwback to the Atari era, only on the NES. But, that by itself doesn’t mean the game is fated to be bad. Another LJN game based on a famous Universal Studios film, Jaws, was actually not a bad little game at all. If you actually sit and watch Jaws, it doesn’t lend itself well to video games either. So, it can be done if you focus on one gameplay style and optimize it. The skateboarding angle was probably the right way to go, and they just needed better level design and better set-dressing to make it feel more like the movie. When you play that Jaws game, you really do walk away feeling like it couldn’t have been anything BUT Jaws. Even with scenes lifted directly from the movie, Back to the Future relies too heavily on the road stages that come across like Template #048D-59, with minimum alterations. A plug-and-play engine that was never fun to begin with, only with the name “BACK TO THE FUTURE” slapped on it. Do I think this is among the worst NES games? Probably not, but I also understand how it earned that reputation. There’s a ROM hack that changes the graphics around to make it look more like the movie.

Well, slightly more like the movie.

Nope, doesn’t help. Which is strange, because the road levels control relatively well and never come across as unfair. They offer the right type of challenge. The mini-games that buffer them are all awful, but the core gameplay isn’t broken or anything. Few games on the NES play as well as Back to the Future and still have a scathing reputation that’s so well-earned. Because, plain and simple, Back to the Future on the NES is BORING! It’s certainly not what I or anyone else would want from Back to the Future anyway. Really, during this era, a point and click game similar to Shadowgate would have made a LOT more sense. Or, not making a game based on it at all. It’s not exactly the Terminator or Escape From New York. Do you know why there’s no good Back to the Future games? Because a Back to the Future video game is a dumb idea, period.
Verdict: NO!

Just tell her that she’s going to be in Howard the Duck.

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Ironsword: Wizards & Warriors II (NES Review)

November 9, 2024 by 2 Comments

Ironsword: Wizards & Warriors II
Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System
Released December, 1989
Designed by Ste Pickford & Steve Hughes
Developed by Zippo Games via Rare Ltd.
Published by Acclaim
NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED

Oh, thank heavens that all the good stuff was removed from the first game and all the crap stuff was left in, like sliding-based punishments for platforming f*ck-ups. I was worried this wasn’t a sequel!

Look, I can’t argue that Wizards & Warriors was some kind of amazing platforming adventure. It’s probably one of the worst games I’ve ever given a YES! too. The main criticism was as follows: “Most damning of all is that Wizards & Warriors has one of the most flimsy and unimpactful primary weapons in the history of gaming. A sword so weak that it’s genuinely embarrassing.” That returns for the sequel, and this time, there’s no permanent boomerang-like weapon to supplement it. I suspected the “Dagger of Throwing” single-handedly saved Wizards & Warriors from being flushed into the sewers of gaming history, and Ironsword confirmed that I was mostly right. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if that dagger is a big reason why Ironsword sold well enough that it got yet another sequel. The third game, Kuros: Visions of Power was the end of the franchise. I honestly wonder if people who bought Ironsword felt like they got ripped-off when the best part of the first game wasn’t in the second and “noped” out of the franchise for good. Because Ironsword, a game with SWORD right in the title, has the worst sword combat I’ve ever seen in a video game. It’s awful.

The only attack resembling one with any reach is to duck and attack. This allows you to poke at enemies like you’re checking to see if they twitch. This is the only range you get for at least half of every level.

I’d call this “flail-based combat” but that seems far too generous. Flailing implies some sort of striking attack, but almost all your moves stay close within the character sprite box itself. Because of the complete lack of range, your sword is little more than a glorified shield that you have to just wait for enemies to run into. It really, really doesn’t help that most enemies are optimized to work around the sword by circling around you and coming in at you from below, which there’s really no way to defend against. As the game progresses, you can pick up shields and helmets that I assume shrink your collision box, but even late in the game there were enemies that could take an entire life bar down to a sliver or worse from a single hit. But even in instances where they’re coming right at you in a straight line, swinging the sword is ineffective, and there’s never any OOMPH when you actually do successfully land a blow. Oh my God, I figured out the word I’m looking for! “Shoo.” That’s it! Ironsword is shooing-based combat! “Shoo, get away from me, bat! I’m only wearing F*CKING ARMOR!” And by the way, how the hell does a bat flying into a knight’s armored knee do a one shot kill?!

I knew Ironsword was heading to the dump when the second area in the game was a cloud-based trampoline park where you have to hop around to explore. That’s a mid-to-late game trope, not something you can pull out as early as Ironsword does.

By the way, you do get projectiles, but how Ironsword does it is kind of strange. The first four game worlds are divided into two areas, the second of which will always contain a spell that you need to shoot the boss with. Once you have the spell, the projectile can’t be turned off. If you want to use your sword to defend yourself against basic enemies and your magic meter is anywhere but empty, you HAVE to shoot them and waste what can be a precious resource. Disappointingly, none of the four magic spells you pick up feel themed to the stages. They’re just four different types of basic video game peashooters, and you lose them as soon as you beat the boss. There’s apparently a way to trick the game into keeping them, but I never pulled it off, and I was trying to! I also didn’t really care for the projectiles because it didn’t feel like it fit the vibe the game was going for. They’re guns, more or less. This is Wizards & Warriors, right? It doesn’t FEEL like magic. The air one shoots in front of you. The fire one is lobbed in a way that reminded me of a grenade. The best one was probably that fire one, but only because the boss was built specifically for it. I would normally compliment that, but it was hard to take it seriously when it looks like something drawn by a 6 year old with MS Paint.

(blinks) Seriously?

The best thing I can say about Ironsword is that the exploration is fine. The emphasis is kept squarely on locating stuff and plotting your jumps to avoid slopes that cause you to slide and lose progress. In the first half of each world, you have to find some kind of golden doodad to give to an enormous animal, who will give you passage to the second half of the world where the attack spell used to beat the boss is. Along the way, you can find (and buy) keys to open chests, some of which have treasure and some of which have single-use spells that can give you temporary buffs or alternative means of slaying baddies. There’s also permanent upgrades to your sword, shield, and helmet (along with a single movement upgrade that you find in the final level).

This is in the shop in level 2-1. You get what sure seemed to me like the most effective melee weapon in the game barely one-fifth of the way into Ironsword, which means it’s not exciting to find swords afterwards.

The way the upgrades to the sword were scaled didn’t work because the best weapon can be gotten in the first part of the second level. I got this lance-looking thing in from the shop above, the Diamond Sword, that sure felt more effective than the shorter-range swords. The most effective “attack” in the game is jumping into things because, like the first game, you stiffen-up when you jump and hold the sword upright, like you’re skewering enemies. Don’t mistake this for feeling good. It’s got no weight or OOMPH at all. Again, the sword is a glorified shield itself. That’s why having a lance that extends beyond the sprite itself is especially valuable because the best you can hope for is to position yourself in a way where enemies fly into it without having to press the attack button. Attacking is more likely to expose you to damage than sitting still. By the way, I was crushed when I saw that I’d assembled the titular Ironsword after beating the fourth boss, because it meant I had lost the more effective diamond sword. Sure, the Ironsword has the permanent ability to fire, but it was the final level and enemies had an easier time getting through my defenses with the Ironsword than they did the Diamond Sword. What the ever-loving hell were they thinking?

It looks SO FUN in screenshots, but Ironsword isn’t even a tiny bit fun.

Anything else I can say about Ironsword is immediately overridden by how historically terrible the combat is. While the jumping physics and level design, along with all the sliding, might not be everyone’s cup of tea, it does work. But, the combat is the worst, so who cares? The bosses do feel.. large, I guess. I mean, the game ends with you fighting the four LOGOS of the bosses (one at a time, mind you), which are smaller than your sprite, and then the game just ends after you beat the last one. It’s one of the worst last bosses I’ve seen, but the other four bosses are alright, I guess. At least you can shoot them. Too bad the combat along the way is the worst. And the game looks gorgeous, with some of the best sprite work on NES. Who cares though, because the combat is the absolute worst!

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And hey, no grinding-up gems to get past toll booths this time. Crying shame that the combat is the worst. Also, and people might disagree, but I think the color-coded keys and treasure chests from the first game were that game’s strongest concepts. They just worked for me and made for an effective primary driver for the entire game, but that’s COMPLETELY gone in the sequel. Doors never require keys, keys only come in one flavor, and keys are ONLY used on chests. There’s no permanent secondary items, an aspect of Wizards & Warriors that made it so weirdly compelling, like the Boots of Force or Feather of Featherfall. How the hell did they maintain the emphasis on exploration while surgically excising almost every exploration element from the original? It’d be an impressive feat if Ironsword wasn’t so f*cking horrendous.

If you’re low on money, you can gamble. I most certainly did not cheat using save states and rewind at any point in this review to build up my loot and make shopping go quicker. Why would you think that? DAMN YOUR ACCUSING EYES!

Everything comes back to the combat, and the ultimate deal breaker was how inconsistent and awful your defensive collision detection is. Ironsword is probably one of the most fascinating games to experience with modern emulation tools, especially rewind. Because there was never any consistency to when I did or didn’t take damage. Enemies that scored one-shot kills in one instance took only a tiny sliver of health the next time from nearly the same angle. HUH? This was constant throughout Ironsword, to the point that I started laughing hysterically at it. It reduces the defensive game of Ironsword into something that feels like real-time Dungeons & Dragons-like probability. Sometimes enemies would hit me in the feet and die, and other times I’d start to blink from damage. WEIRD! But it makes Ironsword a game where you can’t properly gauge risk when you’re dealing with enemies. I assume all this was intentional, but I’m not sure why anyone would make a game that plays like Wizards & Warriors does have combat like this, because it doesn’t make for a fun game!  It’s all frustration and no reward.

Believe it or not, that little smiley face is one of the last bosses. I told you that you’re fighting logos!

I’m not sure what the point of Ironsword was. It seems that almost everything that made Wizards & Warriors ultimately work was dropped from the sequel. Wizards & Warriors is sloppy as all hell too, but it had moxie, for lack of a better term. Like the Dagger of Throwing, the Potion of Levitation, and the Feather of Feathered Feathery Feathers were there because the designers were bound and determined to take the abject disaster of a game they built and shove it, kicking and screaming, over the finish line of decency by sheer force of will. That’s ALL gone from Ironsword. It’s everything bad about Wizards & Warriors with none of the good. It’s fascinating! Like someone saw the sales figures of the first game and wanted to convince themselves that the core swordplay and jumping physics were the real reason for the success and not everything else that had to built around that sh*t to make it worthwhile. I’ve never seen a sequel like Ironsword, and that’s a statement that everyone should celebrate.
Verdict: NO!
And yes, I can totally believe it’s not butter. It’s margarine. I know what margarine tastes like.

Great job, Timmy. Keep up the good work.

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Castlevania (NES Review)

October 26, 2023 by 38 Comments

Castlevania
aka Akumajō Dracula
Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System
Developed by Konami
First Released September 26, 1986
Included in Castlevania Anniversary Collection

“EXCUSE ME! If you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about our lord and savior, Jesus Christ! Hello? Anyone there? I’ll just leave this pamphlet here and come back tomorrow!”

My history with the original NES Castlevania is a personal one. I first experienced it in the mid-2000s, in the form of the Game Boy Advance NES classics re-release that I fished out of a sales bin. By that point, I’d played Symphony of the Night, Circle of the Moon, Harmony of Dissonance, and Aria of Sorrow. All games I absolutely loved, that I would have easily called some of my favorite games. Then, a few months after Aria released, I was critically injured in a life-altering car accident. The epilepsy I would develop at 16 stems from the head trauma sustained on that day. I’m lucky to be alive, frankly, but the injuries were pretty bad. It would be months before I could even hold silverware. The accident happened in November, 2003, but I didn’t really start gaming again until early 2005, after making my first genuine attempt late in the Summer of 2004 and finding that, while my right hand was healing nicely, my left hand just didn’t want to cooperate. The biggest problem was just holding the controller. My left hand was so badly damaged that its pinky has a permanent crook in it that still causes me controller-holding issues to this day, along with constant numbness in my fingertips. Early-on, action games were out of the question. When I finally started going again, my hands would cramp and/or fatigue really easily. Physical therapy helped, but I kind of figured video games were the physical therapy.

The most underrated aspect of Castlevania, IMO, is that it’s a milestone in settings and set-pieces. Like right here, where the location of the final battle with Dracula can be seen off in the distance. Even better is this comes at roughly the halfway point of the game. Video games didn’t typically do one-time backgrounds just for the sake of world building in 1986. Ultimately, a game designer is trying to create the illusion of an entire world out of a series of 1s and 0s. Castlevania’s world is more real than just about any franchise that got its start on the NES, including Super Mario, Zelda, and Metroid. It’s head-and-shoulders above them, in fact.

And then I got that original generation Castlevania, and Cathy got her groove back. By time I slew Dracula, a couple days had passed, and it felt like I’d gotten gaming back pretty much as I had it before. It was the perfect game for that, because it has some of the most pure, refined action on the NES. Nothing too advanced. No insurmountable odds. With two or three very rough exceptions, the OG Castlevania is action-platforming boiled down to its most base components. Castlevania isn’t as bold as you would think, mostly utilizing basic level design mentality. It’s mostly made up of straight corridors where enemy placement is 98% of the challenge. It’s why brief sections where the environment poses a threat stand out. Like the section pictured here:

The flying Medusa heads only happen when you beat the game. And this is rough spot #1, because the collision on these is piss poor. Given how polished the rest of the game is, it’s kind of stunning how badly done it is. EVEN WORSE is that they didn’t improve it all that much in Castlevania 3 years later. Anyway..

Those three spiked presses are an iconic section of the game (granted, for all the wrong reasons) and they last, oh, maybe five seconds? And then they never show up again! Those are the only three instakill presses in the entire game. It’s kind of astonishing how restrained Castlevania is, but thank god for it, given how bad the collision for this section is. Later, a section underground where you have to hop across moving platforms to avoid falling down an instakill moat? Again, it lasts a few seconds, and then nothing like that shows up again, but that section is also pretty rough. It’s almost as if they realized the polish wasn’t coming along, so they stuck to the basics that they knew they were getting correct. You can see this when you compare those brief moments to the extended sections where the level design is just a straight line with maybe a couple blocks of debris or a split-level with staircases, and the gameplay is genuinely perfect. Honestly, it also kind of helps to make Castlevania feel like an actual castle, doesn’t it? Like, how many spiked presses does one Count need to own? Three feels more practical and ergonomic.

Castlevania is loaded with these hidden point secrets. Even though points are worthless without online leaderboards, I have to admit that every new time I’ve found one, I’ve squealed with delight. Is there a platform somewhere for no reason? There’s a good chance it’s to reveal one of these hidden treasures. Though not all of them are available in the first quest. The Gradius-based Moai statue can only be found after beating the game.

Castlevania’s levels are divided into “stages” marked by doors. The stages really mark the respawn points if you die, so I’m going off the overall levels. If there was an “Opening Level Hall of Fame” Castlevania would make it on the first ballot. An absolute masterclass in easing players into the game’s universe that never overwhelms but also never condescends. Whip the candles. Whip enemies. Climb stairs. Throw your sub-weapons. Basic stuff the instruction book covers, and with enemies that have generally basic attack patterns. The most common enemy, the ghouls, charge straight ahead. The bats fly at you in a slight wave pattern, and the panthers lounge before dashing at you. The most challenging of the first level’s basic enemies are the fishmen, who launch out of the water, but even then, they’re slow to react and allow players time to defeat them before they spit projectiles at you.

You’ll also notice their placement is spot-on. There’s no cheap shots in the first level. Having this small section in the water prepares you for a later, more dangerous encounter over a large section of water.

The choice and location of the enemies in Level 1 makes for a good confidence builder, but it also helps you to figure out the key to survival in Castlevania. There’s hidden stuff in the walls. How will players figure this out? In the very first instance of the health-restoring food hidden in the walls, the game has you encounter a bat that you can’t avoid. When you inevitably whip at it, you’re going to bust through the wall and reveal the food. By the way, this was one of the very few Angry Video Game Nerd lines that actually made me laugh. I chortled when he said the food must be “dirty.” Yea, food found randomly in a crumbling wall in a centuries-old castle owned by the embodiment of all that is evil having dirt on it would be my chief concern too.

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It’s notable that the first level only has TWO jumps over pits, in the cellar with the fishmen. While later Castlevanias would balance jumping with combat, the original game very much is focused on fighting baddies. I counted out the jumps in the first five levels. There’s approximately two dozen where there’s a risk of dying directly due to the jumps, some of which are optional. And really, that’s through four levels, because the fifth level has NONE. Not a single jump over a pit. Wow! So, really, the first stage gets you where you really need: ready to whip a whole lot of enemies. Yet, as basic as it is, the setting is especially spooky. Tattered curtains and holes in walls. It’s creepy. Then, you see a giant bat hanging from the ceiling. Is it the Count already? Nope, but it is a pretty good first boss and the perfect cap to the perfect level. Yep, perfect. This is right up there with 1-1 in Super Mario Bros., the fight against Glass Joe in Punch-Out!!, and yes, even Green Hill Act 1 in Sonic The Hedgehog. First levels don’t get better, folks.

If you have the axe, this fight is a cinch. Especially with the first double shot in the game hidden right there. But, if you use the whip, it’s a much more intense and satisfying battle. You know, I don’t think I ever tried fighting Castlevania’s bosses without sub-weapons. You can tell they weren’t really made to be fought with the whip. Depending on where it lingers, you might have to wait for it to dive down and attack you to get your licks in.

Besides the spike presses, I don’t think there’s a single moment that Castlevania doesn’t prepare you for. Well, except maybe the Medusa heads. They fly in a giant sine wave pattern and are among the most annoying enemies in gaming history. If you think they’re bad now, try playing the second quest after you beat the game. “How do we make this harder? F*ck it! Just add Medusa heads!” This is also the introduction to one of Castlevania’s most quirky features: the ability to use being damaged to circumvent large sections of the stage. You see, Castlevania’s most notorious feature is the violent knock-back that happens when you take any damage. Well, at least when you’re not walking on the stairs. It can turn a flesh wound into an instakill down a pit. BUT, if you time it right, you can use it to do the world’s most masochist double jump, and in certain areas of the stage, it allows you to circumvent areas of the game. It’s rarely useful, at least in Castlevania I, but there’s a spot or two it works on. I imagine speed runners must love the Castlevania games. Hell, I’m not a speed runner and I was giddy when I pulled this move off for the first time, especially since there’s a health refill in the very next room.

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The second level is also the introduction to the “any monsters will do” mismatch of cultures that makes Castlevania, well, Castlevania! The second boss is Medusa, who has absolutely nothing to do with vampire mythos, Transylvania, or gothic horror. It’s a Greek myth about a woman who had sex with a God, pissing off another God who decided to punish her for the nerve of having a little cuddle. Eventually mummies, the Grim Reaper, and even f’n Frankenstein show up. Why would Frankenstein be in a game set in 1691? Frankenstein takes place in the 1700s! And why the hell would he fight for Dracula? He wouldn’t be swearing his hatred for humanity for a few decades at the very least. Castlevania is like Monster Squad, only theoretically loonier, yet done without the satire or 80s stereotypes. It’s played with absolute sincerity, and it’s kind of scary.

I kind of like that she’s just a disembodied head. So this is post-Perseus Medusa. On the downside, she doesn’t even turn you to stone.. at least in this version.

In terms of gameplay, my biggest question is simple: are the sub-weapons overpowered? Actually, I think they are. With the right load-out, many enemies are reduced to little more than cannon fodder. The solution is simple: either the sub-weapons should cost more hearts or the game should give you less hearts. Only the stopwatch costs more than one heart to use, at a whopping five for five seconds worth of freezing enemies. Meanwhile, the easy-to-use boomerang, holy water, and axe cost you 1 heart each and they shred enemies and bosses, especially if you have the double/triple shot. The opening giant f’n bat? Four seconds with the axe. Medusa? I once took her down in three seconds with a triple boomerang (though I wonder now if I had it set to easy mode, because jeez, that looked pretty quick). And look at how you can fight the mummies with the holy water!

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But, even if you don’t have a safe spot, you don’t need it. The holy water burns and stun-locks every boss, except Dracula’s first form, which is only vulnerable on its head. If you can pick-up holy water, you don’t need to spam it, like you do with the axe or boomerang. You need only to learn how to time it right. Now, granted, you have to actually not die, and you have to avoid grabbing any other weapon by accident. Assuming you do die, you’re still not totally screwed. If you’re not in the final stretch before the boss and you have the time to build up hearts, you can quickly get the double shot/triple shot back. There’s a trick to it that doesn’t require you to find these items in the walls. Every ten kills (including projectiles) with a sub weapon nets you the double shot/triple shot. If your aim is true, that means you only need ten hearts to net you the double shot and twenty to earn you the triple. With the exception of the final level, you should be able to do it quickly. Here I am with the triple shot knife right in the first section of the first stage, though I should note the double/triple shot dropped from candles, not baddies.

Granted, I had to grind-up hearts, but I’ll be damned.. it works!

Despite its reputation, Castlevania isn’t that difficult, at least through the first five stages. I never feel like the odds are overwhelming against you, and the enemies, even the Medusa heads and hunchbacks, have easy-to-grasp patterns and predictable placement. Castlevania 1 is a very clockable game. Maybe it’s hard the first time, but it’s easy to learn and satisfying to master. NOT difficult to master, but satisfying. For this review, I ran through the game three times. In my run on the Japanese version, I played terribly in the fourth stage, with only two ticks of health left going into Frankenstein’s Monster. Having two ticks of health left is basically saying “one more hit and you’re dead.” But Frankie and the hunchback that sat on his shoulder didn’t even get a chance to move thanks to my triple-shot holy water. That was around the time I realized “um.. I haven’t died yet.” And that brings me back to the whole “personal journey” Castlevania has been a part of.

“Oh well, it beats being played by Robert De Niro.”

In 2005, a full six years before I started Indie Gamer Chick, I didn’t know Castlevania was the perfect action game to help me build my timing and my confidence back. I thought I was just going to play it for an hour or two and put it back in my case. I’m lucky, really. Retro gaming wouldn’t be on my radar for well over a decade after I picked it up. If it hadn’t been on clearance, I don’t think I’d have bought it. My curiosity as to what it would be like could best be described as mild. I never imagined it would be such a milestone game for me that I end up going back to it from time to time. Replaying Castlevania as an adult really started four years ago, with Castlevania Anniversary Collection. I still enjoyed it just fine, but by that point, I’d played the superior Castlevania III, which I not only liked more, but I considered to be the best NES game ever made. And Super Castlevania IV, nerfed as it is, is a damn good time. Both those were, you know, IN THAT COLLECTION! Castlevania 1? A slightly-overrated game with only six levels that’s mostly straight corridors? Why, that one is downright fuddy duddy.

I used to quake in my booties over the stairs. Not so much anymore, though I imagine that’ll change for Castlevania III.

It wasn’t until I replayed the game when they added Japanese ROMs to Anniversary Collection that I came to admire the fact that Castlevania 1 laid out the perfect foundation for a game franchise in a measly six levels of action. By this point, I found myself replaying it pretty frequently, usually as an excuse to review other things Castlevania-related. I reviewed a series of ROM hacks based on it (read that HERE). Or, hey, I got a TurboGrafx 16 mini and it has Rondo of Blood? Well hell, I might as well bust-out Castlevania 1 again! Along the way, I noticed something: I was getting pretty dang good at it. Slowly but surely, I phased out using save states and rewinding, and the next thing I know, I’m beating the game without cheating every single time. I’d only done that once before, back when I was 15 years old and recovering from that f’n accident, but this was different. Because not only had I beat it without cheating, but the first time I did it in my modern IGC existence, I only died once!

Why would the Grim Reaper work for Dracula? Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Yea, I’m sure this is “explained” and then retconned and explained in another way but, yea, no. It’s the goddamned Grim Reaper! Dracula should be working for it. OR, maybe he does. Maybe Drac got Simon Belmont’s post-it note. Now there’s an obscure reference.

The idea that I could beat Castlevania without losing even one life seemed far-fetched back when I first played the game in 2005. It’s got a reputation, and even at my best, I was never that good. After I had another single-death run last year, it didn’t seem so far-fetched anymore. Part of it is memorization. I know which candles NOT to whip mid-air that would take away my weapon. I know that the triple holy water and not the triple boomerang is the key to making the game absurdly cheesable. I know where the enemies are going to be coming from and can avoid being knocked backwards into a pit. My second one-death run’s one fatality was in the dumbest possible spot. This one:

See that little hole between me and the stairs and the skeleton? Yea, well, I didn’t.

On the plus side, I would never forget that hole was there ever again. Really, as long as you practice with the holy water, don’t take any candles that are a risk of death by falling, memorize where the enemies are going to be during the pits (which there aren’t as many pits as you’d think) you can do it too! Getting deep without dying in Castlevania isn’t that hard. Sacrilege, I know, but I’m NOT a professional gamer. Not even close. But, I realized a couple years ago that acing Castlevania didn’t feel as unfathomably out of reach like it would for my other favorite NES games such as Life Force or Contra. I knew I could do it. Long before I was making single-death runs in Castlevania, I was so proud of myself for not taking any damage in the “Infamous Hallway” that leads to the Grim Reaper on my first time playing it on Anniversary Collection. Now, I can do that every single time. It’s not that tough, actually. My mistake was relying on the boomerangs. My logic seemed sound: they travel nearly the full length of the screen AND then come back, dealing double the damage. But, the knights can shield the boomerangs, and bosses aren’t permanently stun-locked by them. They have no defense against the holy water. These days, I have that hallway down to a science. It’s easy once you figure out how to rush and manipulate the enemies.

It’s not until the final level that Castlevania truly becomes a monster. Few NES games build up to a perfect crescendo quite like it. The funny thing is, it’s BY FAR the shortest level. It’s not even close, actually. But, the challenge is incredible. The giant f’n bat that’s the first boss? The final level starts with a broken bridge that has five of them! And it’s not like they nerfed them for this section. They take as many hits as before, and you don’t have the hearts to just spam them with sub-weapons. That’s why I did the most heroic thing I could do: I legged it.

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Then, after a brief encounter with some bone-throwing skeletons, you move onto a section that features the hawks dropping hunchbacks on you. The game fed you these before as you navigated a literal straight line with no jumps. This time around, it’s easily the most difficult section of the entire game. That includes all the bosses. This brief section contains huge staircases, tight jumps, close quarters, all made significantly harder by the fact that the walls are designed to allow the hunchbacks to jump up from below you, with no means to stop them. This is the final stretch before Dracula, and it’s brutal.

I had a rough guesstimate on how many hearts I’d need to beat Dracula, and I knew how many hearts were available in his arena. Once I knew I had enough, I botled the exit.

It was when I managed to make it through that section with full life that I realized “holy crap! I’M GOING TO DO IT! I’M GOING TO ACE THE GAME!” Then I almost blew it against Dracula, who has two forms, the first of which is only vulnerable in the head and can’t be stun-locked by the holy water. After starting out hot, I blew three consecutive attacks from him. I was down to one final hit when I took his head off. At which point, like so many other bosses, his final form I could stun lock by timing my tossing of the holy water. Not too fast. Not too slow. A nice steady pace and he was toast, and I’d done it. And it feels so good.

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I can’t imagine what Castlevania must have been like for first-time players in the mid-to-late 80s. It had to have been mind blowing how immersive it is. It looks better than any NES game released up to this point. It sounds better. It controls better. As far as games with fixed-jumping goes, it’s very intuitive. Dare I say, the best fixed-jumping on the NES. It’s a charmer, too. The fact that it’s got Dracula, Frankenstein, mummies, Medusa, skeletons, etc, yet it plays them completely sincerely, tongue never in cheek? I mean, come on. It’ll charm the socks right off you! That uniqueness is lost in 2023. Hell, some of their Frankenstein designs in the years since have been embarrassing, and the series took a hard turn into the cheesy territory when Dracula started to monologue on what exactly a man is. I think part of why the original Castlevania holds up pretty dang well is because it has such sincerity. There’s nothing pandering or cynical about it. Well, at least until those end credits. Golly, those were an ominous sign. But, otherwise, Castlevania holds up to the test of time.

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But, what truly makes it timeless, at least for me, is the fact that it’s a “hard” game that’s easy to commit to memory, learn the patterns for, and ultimately overcome and triumph in ways I never thought possible. It’s not even the best Castlevania on the NES, but it is the closest to actual gaming perfection. I think if I put in the type of time and effort I have for games like Dead Cells or Cuphead, I really think I could eventually do a no-hit run on it. What once felt impossibly out of reach now feels like it’s doable. It’s not as if I had to practice at Castlevania for years to get good enough to run through it in a single life. I’ve played it sporadically-at-best since 2019, and ultimately, it was just knowing what item to use (triple holy water, not triple boomerang) and memorizing which candles NOT to whip that put me over the top. Taking no hits will require more time and patience, and there’s sections I’ve never played perfectly. I’m worried about the Grim Reaper. I’m worried about that final stretch before Dracula. I’m worried about Dracula himself. But, impossible? I don’t think so. Do you know what the best thing I can say about Castlevania is? It’s a game that was released a little less than three years before I was born, and I’m sitting here legitimately contemplating whether I could play it perfectly or not, and there’s only one thing I know for sure: I wouldn’t be bored trying.
Verdict: YES!

THE INDIE GAMER CHICK CASTLEVANIA REVIEW SERIES
 Castlevania (NES) Dracula’s Curse (NES) Adventure (GB) Belmont’s Revenge (GB)
Super Castlevania IV (SNES) Dracula X (SNES) Rondo of Blood (SuperCD²)
Chronicles (PSX) Circle of the Moon (GBA)  Kid Dracula (NES) Kid Dracula (GB)
ROM Hacks (NES) Konami Wai Wai World (NES) Wai Wai World 2: SOS!! Parsley Jō (NES)

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The Little Mermaid (1989 NES Review)

May 29, 2023 by 3 Comments

Yea, I grew up on Little Mermaid. Even the direct to video sequel, which bored my poor parents to death, was something I couldn’t get enough of. Hell, my mother, despite her thick Cuban accent, would dance around singing Part of Your World. And yea, I had the poor man’s Ecco the Dolphin that was Little Mermaid II for the PlayStation. But, I’m here today to talk about the NES game. A few years ago, Capcom put out a “Disney Afternoon Collection” and didn’t include Little Mermaid. I’m not sure why not. There was a Little Mermaid cartoon series, after all. It wasn’t part of the Disney Afternoon, but come on. Functionally, they’re all the same deal. Cheapo cartoons meant to cash-in on Disney’s popularity with post-fetus, pre-career humans.

Since the NES game took me under half-an-hour to finish, I was going to also do the Genesis game Ariel: The Little Mermaid. Then I played it, and determined that my brain couldn’t comprehend its badness. I did LOL that you move faster than your own projectiles, making them functionally useless.

From producer Tokuro “Ghosts ‘n Goblins” Fujiwara comes a children’s game that has to be the polar opposite of that franchise. It’s tough for me to review Little Mermaid, because it’s so absurdly simple and easy that I beat it in about twenty minutes and change. It’s sort of like Bubble Bobble as an undersea non-platforming platformer adventure. Taking control of Ariel, you flip your tail to send a wave of air that captures fish in bubbles. How does that even work? Could scuba divers, in lieu of masks, have mermaids fan their tails at them? Or, there’s the obvious explanation of what’s happening: Ariel is farting at enemies. Do mermaids even have buttholes to fart? WELL, EXCUSE ME FOR CARING ABOUT THE LOGISTICS OF THIS STUFF!

That poor unfortunate soul is about to get crushed by a barrel. To the game’s credit, there’s lots of hidden stuff. To its determent, that stuff doesn’t seem to change the ending at all and there’s no incentive to get it all.

With Little Mermaid, Capcom was clearly targeting an audience that wasn’t weened on Super Mario, Castlevania, and Mega Man. I played with absolutely no caution and still plowed through the game without losing a single life. TWO close calls over five levels, with only the first version of Ursala putting up a real challenge. It’s not that I expected otherwise. I could beat Duck Tales or Rescue Rangers in my sleep, so I expected Little Mermaid to be a cinch. But, this is a whole other level of cinchiness. Taking damage doesn’t downgrade your attacks or speed. Once you fully power-up, even the biggest bad guys can be caught in bubbles and used as projectiles. Almost all the damage I took in the game was from level-based projectiles (IE volcanic rocks or sea urchins). I think maybe once in the entire game I took damage from an enemy, and that was me being lazy. Other than the level hazards, the hardest aspect of Little Mermaid was lining up bubbles to be thrown as attacks, especially during boss fights. That, and the fact that sometimes, during those boss fights, it would take a while for the basic enemies (that are essentially ammunition for Ariel) to become vulnerable to being turned into bubbles. Otherwise, this might actually be a contender for the easiest game Capcom ever produced.

The bosses are the highlight, though I’m not sure where these ideas come from. Like this evil seahorse drill sergeant. Is this a thing from the cartoon series?

A lot of people probably have rosy memories of Little Mermaid as a video game. One reader noted that it was the first game they ever beat without an adult helping them. I can believe that. The levels are very simple, with no instakill, minimum enemies, and not a lot of exploration. There’s the occasional gag, like being able to push a rock or a barrel, which is usually done to open a treasure chest and upgrade your speed or the strength of your.. um.. bubble fart. The only exception to the pathway-to-victory style of design is the fifth and final level, which is a “find the right path” maze. Even that is really simple. The trick is to go through the same door three times in a row. It’s bland, and so are the rest of the levels. They all feel like filler to get to the typically-excellent Capcom boss battles.

You go straight from fighting “normal” Ursala to the final boss, which is “giant” despite being only marginally bigger than the first fight. Don’t get me wrong: good boss and a good finale to the game, but the movie ends with the horrifying death by stabbing with a boat. Which.. yea that’s how the Jaws game ended, too. It’d been weird to end Little Mermaid the same way Jaws did, I suppose.

It’s hard to judge a game that is clearly aimed at young children. Did I have fun? Not really. Little Mermaid doesn’t give you enough time to get bored by it, but there’s really not a lot to it between the bosses. It comes down to “can I recommend this for anyone” and the answer is no, I can’t. I think they missed an opportunity by being ALL mermaid, all the time. While you’re not always in the water, the moments where you exit the sea are brief and toothless. It’d been a lot more interesting if the game switched between Ariel the Mermaid and Ariel the Human. They could have done a hybrid-style game. I’m guessing they were crunched for time, but being the mermaid all the time was too limiting. Little Mermaid is a creativity bankrupt game, and while I enjoyed the bosses, even those were baffling in their presentation and the lack of stakes attached to them. BUT, if you have little kids who are interested in Mommy or Daddy’s era of games, Little Mermaid would be an excellent game to introduce them to 2D retro gaming. Say, ages 5 to 9. Everybody else, it’s a generic but brief bore. Hey, it could be worse. It could be a two-and-a-half hour long live action remake where the seagull raps for two agonizing minutes.

The Little Mermaid is NOT Chick-Approved.

The Little Mermaid was developed by Capcom

 

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Skate Cat (NES Indie Review)

January 15, 2023 by 1 Comment

The lead designer on Skate Cat is a 10 year old kid. As opposed to many indies I’ve reviewed that were by overgrown children. Actually the kid in question, SJ, has shown a lot more class than I’ve gotten from many grown-up developers. Him and his papa requested this review and sent along the final game ROM, which will be available on NES Cart and Itch.io eventually. I warned them that, if we do this, it has to be a full Indie Gamer Chick review. That means no holding back. Full, unfiltered feedback. SJ Games wants to become an elite game developer eventually, and we all agreed for me to go forward with the review. Brought a tear to my eye. I mean, come on. How can you not feel good about the future of gaming with a new generation of developers coming along like that? So be it, young man! Let’s do the review.

Oh God, I’m using terms like “young man” now. I’m getting old.

Welcome to game development, SJ! Where people who have never made a game and will never make a game tell you how to make games. You’re going to love it so much.

Skate Cat is a basic platformer, and honestly, there isn’t a lot to critique because the game is pretty bare-bones. A move left, jump over pits, jump on enemies, beat a boss type of game. The hook is you’re a cat on a skateboard. The best part about Skate Cat is it does charm right. It’s a game that has personality, which is what you need to get people to want to like it. Unfortunately, I didn’t quite get there. I didn’t hate Skate Cat or even close. If the Indie Gamer Chick Leaderboard included games that didn’t win my Seal of Approval, this wouldn’t be anywhere near the bottom. In fact, it’d be really close to the middle. It doesn’t really do anything I’d call a “deal breaker” but it also doesn’t really do anything to elevate itself over middle-of-the-pack. For every element of a level I enjoyed, there was one I didn’t.

These massive “last pixel jumps” are the main challenge in Skate Cat, and there’s too many of them.

The jumping has a steep learning curve to it. Skate Cat has snappy, low-angle jumping physics and most of the challenge comes from your leaping limitations. Skate Cat overly relies on last-pixel jumping, which is to say gaps that require you to wait to execute the jump until you reach the far edge of a cliff. It used this to such a degree that I found myself just last-pixel-jumping every jump that looked big, whether I needed to or not. I’ve never liked that in any game, because it turns platforming into a game of chicken. Like you’re trying to figure out who will blink first: you or the gap you’re jumping over. When Skate Cat relies on zig-zagging through terrain or doing timed-jumping sections, I enjoyed those fine. Actually, I thought the stage that took place in the forest was a strong level, and I was smiling contently as I hopped across falling leaves and avoided the quills of porcupines. There’s some genuinely good moments in Skate Cat, and not just for a game by a kid. No, the kid actually proved he can bring quality gameplay to the table. It’s why I can’t go easy on him. He’s got talent.

Now THAT’S the good stuff, kiddo.

Really, that’s what the whole game should have been: a twitchy, reactionary platformer with skateboard-based combat. When you get the hang of the jumping.. and it took me the whole play session on normal mode to do so.. I found the best moments were the ones where I didn’t have to stop moving. Those felt like they took advantage of the skateboard theme. Not that I wanted this to be like.. say.. the skateboard from Adventure Island games (which I can’t stand at all), but certainly I think the theme calls for a fast pace and quick reflexes. But, in the final two levels of the game, Skate Cat start to rely to heavily on electric gates, and the game grinds to a halt. See what I did there? Grinds? I’m down with the skate lingo. See, I’m not old yet. Anyway, there’s too much waiting around, and it becomes kind of boring. You can use an obstacle like that a couple times, but two levels full of them becomes tedious. Especially when the action was really cooking leading into that section.

This section would be fine, but Skate Cat over-uses the gates to an ever bigger degree than the last pixel jumps. So, by time you get to this area, you’re already over having them.

Finally, the combat isn’t really that good. You don’t get an attack at all in the first level and have to just avoid the enemies. After every level, you get a new skateboard, the first of which introduces the ability to jump on enemies. But, the enemies just lack satisfactory OOMPH to defeat. They blink out of existence with a thump and not enough pomp. Then, the game adds a kick-flip, and this is where it really goes off the rails. The timing for when to hit it feels inconsistent, and I just as often took damage myself instead of hitting enemies. In the hoverboard stage (yep, Mattel pink and everything!) I lost a life to an enemy trying to figure out where exactly I was supposed to hit it. I’m not even sure you can hit it without taking damage yourself. Since it takes three hits to kill, maybe the implication is supposed to be that it’s an enemy to avoid. Ironically, the enemy was used correctly: to complement the tight squeeze of that level’s environmental hazards, which is why it probably shouldn’t have been able to take damage at all.

I like that this section also goes slower, as space should. It’s a nice little touch in a game that needed a lot more little touches. Like, for example, the cat always has the same face on, even when attacking. His eyes blink and he’ll frown when you take damage, but that’s not enough. You can sell the combat with as little a detail as making the cat have an aggressive face when you attack. Same with the enemies. Having a “defeated” sprite instead of blinking out of existence can really make the combat feel more satisfying, because it feels like you’re affecting the game world and not just scrolling a bit map right. Often, it’s the small details you barely notice that makes a game memorable. I know that sounds counterintuitive, but it’s true.

Skate Cat isn’t a bad game by any means. I don’t even feel comfortable calling it below average, because I think it rises above that. It’s totally average, and simply didn’t do any one thing that sealed this as a must-play game. It’s a really short game. It contains four levels, each level with two sections. The whole thing takes fifteen to twenty minutes tops. The highlight is probably the four boss battles, which are fine enough, but also just right in the middle. On the other hand, a 10 year old managed to make a complete twenty minute-long platformer without a single major flaw, and one that managed to actually bring some pretty good gameplay in small doses. My advice to SJ now would be that you got most of the basics down. Work on play control first. The controller should vanish in your hand. Movement and physics should be intuitive by the end of the first level. The less players have to think about what they’re doing, the more immersed they become.

You know.. I really thought it would be another decade or so before I was reviewing games by developers younger than IndieGamerChick.com is. I’m going to go have a pity cry as soon as I finish this review.

After that, get really creative with the level design. Remember that video games are a series of small moments that add up to one big experience. Really, that’s my advice to all developers: if you have the mentality of designing moments and not levels, you’ll do great. The hopping across the falling leaves part? That’s an enjoyable, satisfying moment. So were the parts where you hopped across the sewers, and the teleporters in the fourth level. You want to be careful repeating those moments. Think of each section as a self-contained challenge, and then just merge the ending of that part with the beginning of the next, so it seamlessly leads into the next moment. Stick to that, and you’ll be fine. Hey, SJ? You’re going to do great. Stick with this game design thing, and don’t give up. You’re going to make it, kid. And when they award you best director of a video game some day, you’ll be able to thank me in the acceptance speech. “I’d like to dedicate this award to Indie Gamer Chick. We all miss her, god rest her soul. It’s still hard to believe she’s gone. Eaten by rhinoceros. Terrible way to go.”

Skate Cat is not Chick-Approved

Skate Cat was developed by SJ Games
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