Borderlands: Vault Hunter (Pinball FX Table Review)

Borderlands: Vault Hunter
Pinball FX Debuting Pin

First Released February 16, 2023
Main Platform: Pinball FX
Switch Platform: Pinball FX
Designed by Zoltan Vari
Set: Gearbox Pinball ($14.99)
Links: Pinball FX Wiki

When I first saw the layout, I was like “okay, okay, this looks kind of sick.” This is why any first impressions that aren’t gameplay first impressions are worthless, kids. It didn’t take me long to realize Borderlands ain’t any fun at all.

What a shame about some of the decisions made here, because there’s a lot to like about Borderlands’ jump to silverball. I mean, hypothetically of course. I couldn’t really enjoy any of it because something else always got in the way of the good parts. Usually it was the extra ball hole, which is located directly above the right slingshot. This thing is far too easy for the ball to go into accidentally, and it MURDERS the pace of Borderlands. Combined with the ultra violent slingshots that are pretty much unavoidable thanks to the table’s angles and all remaining potential is obliterated. Take the shooting gallery. It’s perhaps the best central target(s) of any table Zen has done that debuted in Pinball FX (my father is a HUGE fan of it). It’s fun to blast the targets. Except they usually take two hits each and regain their health quickly, on a table with tons of sinkholes that eat up time by returning the ball well away from the flippers. In fact, the targets themselves are surrounded by a sinkhole, and when the ball goes into it, which isn’t that hard, it takes a couple seconds before you can shoot again since it returns on the habitrail well above the left flipper. It’s such obviously trollish design. There was no consideration at all for whether it was fun or balanced. This is a game that wants shots that generate a constant sense of urgency while having a layout with a constant sense of downtime. That doesn’t sound fun at all to me. That sounds miserable, and it is.

Elias on Faithfulness: In the games, you play as Vault Hunters: badasses who shoot, loot, and level-up to improve their abilities and their stats. In this pinball table, the Vault Hunters play such a minuscule role in the table that they are only used for skillshot and super skillshot. There’s no powers or skill trees whatsoever. The spinner on the farthest left lane is used for getting XP. Leveling-up allows you to get more points when you kill enemies. It doesn’t really affect the combat. When the inlane and outlane lamps are lit, you gain access to a second wind. So just like the games you get a chance to shoot and kill an enemy before you die and respawn, and if you get it within the time limit, you don’t die. Shooting and looting, the entire point and the core gameplay mechanics that makes up the franchise are both a tad bit lacking. Zoltan Vari tried staying faithful to Borderlands 3 (I prefer Borderlands 2 myself) by making it take forever to actually get good loot. The video games revolve around constantly getting weapons, which doesn’t happen much on this table. It just hurts my soul being a fan of the franchise. The table allows you to choose between 4 different guns that all shoot the same and only make the shooting gallery targets take one less shot. They’re cardboard targets, while the Psycho who jumps onto the table only takes one hit. Why? Shouldn’t a gigantic person on the table take more hits than a cardboard target? Claptrap becomes annoying since his lines repeat so much, the Catch-A-Ride spin disc is sketchy, and there’s too many shots that take grinding to build-up. A 1:1 Borderlands pinball adaptation? Sounds great! But this ain’t it. I still found the table fine enough to award a GOOD rating, but it’s not worthy of the Borderlands name.

Elias is right. There’s no legit sense of combat. None of the danger elements of Borderlands feel like a gun fight. It’s a shooting range. The looting is bad too. The idea is clever, placing three different-sized boxes behind the cardboard targets. Unfortunately, they aren’t something you can really aim at. They’re not designed specifically like VUKs. The ball barely fits them and is constantly going over them, back again, and not going down into the holes. To convert the loot box shots, you need not just accuracy but the right speed, and that’s hard to control. Also remember that there’s a gigantic sinkhole between the playfield and boxes. That’s where the cardboard targets come from. That gap makes this feel like a spiritual sequel to Rogue One and causes all the same stop-and-go problems that pin has. This table has absolutely no flow. Combine that gap, the extra ball saucer, the violent slingshots, and the orbits designed to prevent ball control and I honestly can’t believe this was good enough to not go into THE PITS. I hated this table, and that sucks when there’s so much to like about it. But, let it be said, Angela and especially Oscar adored the shooting gallery and the strange angles, feeling the uniqueness alone elevates the table. Of all the new tables, Borderlands was one of the most divisive among The Pinball Chick Team.
Cathy: BAD (2 out of 5)
Angela: GOOD (3 out of 5)
Oscar: GREAT (4 out of 5)
Jordi: BAD
Sasha: GOOD
Elias: GOOD (Nintendo Switch)
Overall Scoring Average: 2.83GOOD
Primary Pinball FX Scoring Average: 2.8GOOD
Switch Scoring Average: 3.0GOOD
Some review copies were provided in this review, others were paid for.

Poker Night 2

Poker Night 2 is free with a PlayStation Plus subscription right now, presumably to drum up interest in Telltale’s latest offering, the Wolfing Dead. The concept is basically a normal game of cards, only you’re listening to the inane banter of four B-list-at-best pop culture characters. Yea yea, I know everyone and their mother just loves Army of Darkness and Ash Williams and would take a knife to my throat for besmirching the name of this iconic character. Meh, whatever. It must be a generational thing, because I don’t particularly find the character all that interesting. I suspected that having him outside of the fantastic settings of his movies would show a character that’s quite dull. Poker Night 2 proves me right. He’s just sort of there, like a catch-phrase spewing cartoon character. Then again, the writing is pretty boring. Maybe this is why they didn’t get Bruce Campbell to do the voice, though they found a very convincing sound-alike.

Speaking of which, I joked on Twitter about that, making a crack about the lack of Bruce and how he “couldn’t cost more than my lawn guy.” He got the joke and wise-cracked back at me. Some of his fans, on the other hand, so did not get the joke and swept in to protect him. Hell, they were doing that before he wise-cracked back. And I’m not talking about people who follow me. I’m talking people who refresh the search results for Bruce Campbell every ten seconds. I don’t have a joke to go along with that. I just found it to be fucking creepy.

Calling this a line-up of B-listers is probably being a bit generous.

Calling this a line-up of B-listers is probably being a bit generous.

Anyway, along for the ride is Brock from Venture Bros. (never watched it), Claptrap from Borderlands, and Sam from Sam & Max. Well, there’s an all-star lineup if there ever was one. Rounding out the field is GLaDOS from Portal as the dealer, and man, is she slumming it here. The inherit problem with Poker Night 2 is what I already said about Ash: these characters work in their own settings, but out of them, they’re just boring. They have nothing in common, and nothing really interesting to talk about. Part of that is the writing is uninspired, but mostly it’s because you just can’t throw five random characters together and expect chemistry. It really feels like something that was rushed through production, with the characters included drawn out of a hat instead of carefully selected to mesh well. I get that it’s hip to be random, but randomness on its own isn’t funny. It’s just random. And then you get to the actual gameplay and find that it’s even worse.

I’ve been a PlayStation Plus subscriber since day one, and I’ve never played a freebie on that service as utterly broken as Poker Night 2 is. This shit is borderline unplayable, with frequent technical hiccups. The game saves between each hand, and if you move along to the next hand before the game finishes saving, the animation and dialog skip like a broken record. I counted the amount of times this happened over a full game: fourteen fucking times. That is absolutely inexcusable. Beyond that, sometimes the soundtrack gets ahead of the animation, or behind it. Like, a full minute ahead or behind it. Even Godzilla movies have better dubbing. Or, you’ll just have the game sometimes freeze for anywhere from 15 second to over a minute. Mind you, none of these problems are one-off things. They’re unavoidable and happen constantly through-out. I can’t speak for whether or not the XBLA version has these glitches. I’m told the PC port doesn’t, but that’s no comfort to PSN owners.

This mostly seems to be caused by the game saving between each and every hand. I’m not sure what it’s saving, exactly.  It sure isn’t done to prevent dialog from repeating. Over the course of a single tournament, Claptrap and GLaDOS repeated the same joke about “the cut of your jib” four times. Wasn’t funny the first time. Got progressively more irritating with every echo. Which is not to say Poker Night 2 is never funny. It’s just too often random chit-chat with no set-ups or punchlines. Any genuine laughs (and some are to be had) certainly aren’t worth slogging through the glitches to get through.

I like how they snuck a picture of GLaDOS into every promotional picture. "Portal is still popular, right?  Please love us!"  Really, if they needed a Portal reference, wouldn't Cave Johnson have been a better fit?

I like how they snuck GLaDOS into every promotional picture. “Portal is still popular, right? Please love us!” Really, if they needed a Portal reference, wouldn’t Cave Johnson have been a better fit? They could have dropped Ash from the game and saved on licensing rights, because his character didn’t have a single decent line of dialog.

Ignoring all of that, the actual game of poker is mediocre at best. There are only two options: no limit Hold-Em or no-limit Omaha. Poker Night 2 is single-player only, and the AI is utterly fucking brain-dead. There’s supposed to be a sophisticated system of tells and bluffing that you can manipulate by plying the characters with alcohol. BUT, what’s the fucking point with the way the AI plays? Get this: ClapTrap and Sam are the only two left in a hand. ClapTrap goes all-in. Sam does his bluff-routine, then calls the all-in. Then he lays down a 3-5-suited, before the flop. I shit you not. This happened frequently through-out the multiple tournaments I played in. Bluffing doesn’t work when you have nothing in your hand and the only player left has already bet everything he has. I swear to Christ, you find smarter players at 3AM playing free tables on PokerStars.

Maybe Poker Night 2 isn’t as bad on PC. I don’t know. I do know that Poker Night 2 might be a contender for the worst game ever to hit PlayStation Network. It’s glitchy, it’s slow, the AI is useless, and the writing comes across like a cross between terrible fan-fiction and awkward checkout-counter conversations. Telltale is capable of incredible things.  Wolf Among Us (next up for review) is fantastic. But, if five minutes with Wolf Among Us was enough to make me a believer in their potential, two hours with Poker Night 2 is an ominous warning that these guys are more than capable of totally phoning it in. If the aim of putting this worthless piece of shit of a game as a freebie was to get players excited for Wolf, Telltale and Sony couldn’t have done worse if they had hired someone to knock on each subscriber’s door and shoot their dogs.

Poker Night 2Poker Night 2 was developed by Telltale Games

Available for free right now with a PlayStation Plus (normally priced $9.99).