Abadox: The Deadly Inner War (NES Review)

Abadox: The Deadly Inner War
Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System
Released December 15, 1989
Directed by Atsushi Okazaki
Developed by Natsume
Published by Milton Bradley
NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED

If you fly into a giant humanoid, does it count as a french kiss?

Over the last few months, I’ve been putting together Konami Shoot ‘Em Ups: The Definitive Review. It’s coming VERY soon to Indie Gamer Chick and features seventy-six reviews for games in the genre that, in many ways, defined Konami. I’ve finished writing the reviews and I’m just editing the feature, but apparently I really like the genre, because I’m still “working it out of my system.” So, how about a shmup that isn’t made by Konami but feels like it could be? Part of those feelings is probably because Abadox features sound from the same sound guy who did the NES version of Contra! So that’s neat, and also, if you play the Japanese version, there’s digital boobs. If you’re into that.

Sorry, I have to censor. It’s kind of funny that there’s actual nudity in some unlicensed American NES games, but they were so rare that they’re prized collectors items today despite being terrible games. Abadox has the same amount of boobs, but with actual good gameplay. I guess if you wanted nudity in quality games during the era, you should have moved to Japan.

Abadox has you flying through a giant alien, blowing up its organs. If that sounds a lot like Salamander/Life Force, just wait! Because this also mixes traditional “scroll right” shmup gameplay with vertical gameplay, just like the Konami classic that I recently realized I didn’t really like anywhere near as much as I liked the mainline Gradius series proper. What makes Abadox stand out is, for the vertical stages, you don’t scroll upward, but rather downward, like you’re falling. It’s awkward and certainly takes getting used to. But, once you adjust to the angles, it’s not that bad, actually. A little cramped, maybe.

Please don’t ask what organ this is supposed to be that you’re fighting.

Like the coin-op Salamander, there’s no item bar for this one. Instead there’s four different capsule drops that increase your speed, give you missiles, provide you with a shield, or equip a lethal barrier around you. Grabbing additional capsules before losing the previous ones boosts the effect, giving you up to four of the spinning barrier items or making your missiles heat-seeking. Meanwhile, the guns are where this REALLY gets uncomfortably close to Life Force/Gradius, as one of the guns is a very Gradius-like laser and another shoots rings. It’s sort of amazing how shameless it is.

That looks like a tumor to me. Are we SURE we’re killing a gigantic alien parasite and not, you know, curing it?

You’ve probably noticed the bosses have some freaky ass designs. Well, they’re probably the highlight of the game. I say “probably” because they’re also a huge pain in the ass for me thanks to the fact that they do a full-screen strobe effect every time you land a shot. In order to beat the bosses, I sort of had to position myself in the right spot, fire a shot to make sure I was lined-up right, then auto-fire my bullets into them while not looking at the screen and hope I survived its counterattacks. For what it’s worth, none of the bosses took more than a couple seconds to defeat, except the very last one. The one that spawns the naked chick has a very narrow opening to shoot. Once it’s defeated, the game ends in a speed tunnel that sees you dodging barriers. Hey, just like Life Force/Salamander! Fancy that!

All I could think of when I saw this was “hello Smithers. You’re QUITE good at TURNING me ON.

Okay, so Abadox shamelessly rips off Konami and Salamander, but honestly, I thought this was a LOT better than any of those games were. For starters, it does a lot better job of selling the idea that you’re fighting a gigantic evil alien organism from the inside. The level design and bosses are significantly more imaginative, and the structure of splitting levels into two parts makes the sense of progress feel much more satisfying. Having the six levels split into two parts also allows for faster changes of the level themes, so there’s more sights to see. AND it doubles the game’s boss count from six to twelve. Since none of the bosses are slogs, this is presumably a good thing.

Really, these are boilerplate challenges for 1989, but they’re dressed-up well for an NES game.

Okay, so the sprite for your “ship” is a little large and occasionally that makes it harder to dodge (especially on the side-scrolling levels). But the controls are perfect, the collision is solid and even the basic enemies and obstacles are enjoyable enough to battle. Hell, I think it even handles the speed-ups better than most any Konami title I’ve played. Despite Abadox functionally containing twelve shorter levels, it never feels padded. Honestly, this is one of the best 8-bit shmups I’ve played over the last few months, and as a reminder, I’ve spent those months mostly playing shmups. Had I not known this was by Natsume and I just booted Abadox up and played it without checking, I would have assumed this was a Konami game, and an elite one at that. Fine, maybe it’s a rip-off, but it’s one of the greatest rip-offs in gaming history.
Verdict: YES!

What games are featured in Konami Shoot ‘Em Ups: The Definitive Review, publishing later this month at Indie Gamer Chick?

  • The End (Arcade)
  • Scramble (Arcade)
  • Super Cobra (Arcade)
  • Pooyan (Arcade)
  • Time Pilot (Arcade)
  • Gyruss (Arcade)
  • Mega Zone (Arcade)
  • Juno First (Arcade)
  • Time Pilot ’84 (Arcade)
  • Scooter Shooter (Arcade)
  • TwinBee (Arcade)
  • Gradius (Arcade)
  • Finalizer (Arcade)
  • Jail Break (Arcade)
  • TwinBee (Famicom)
  • Knightmare (MSX)
  • TwinBee (MSX)
  • Gradius (NES)
  • Salamander/Life Force (Arcade)
  • Gradius (MSX)
  • Stinger (NES)
  • Battlantis (Arcade)
  • Flak Attack (Arcade)
  • Gradius 2 (MSX)
  • Life Force (NES)
  • Falsion (FDS)
  • A-Jax/Typhoon (Arcade)
  • Salamander (MSX)
  • Thunder Cross (Arcade)
  • Gradius II (Arcade)
  • Parodius (MSX)
  • Devastators (Arcade)
  • Gyruss (NES)
  • Gradius II (Famicom)
  • Nemesis 3 (MSX)
  • TwinBee 3 (Famicom)
  • Gradius III (Arcade)
  • Space Manbow (MSX2)
  • Aliens (Arcade)
  • Trigon/Lightning Fighters (Arcade)
  • Nemesis (Game Boy)
  • Parodius (Arcade)
  • TwinBee Da! (Game Boy)
  • Parodius (NES)
  • Gradius III (SNES)
  • Thunder Cross II (Arcade)
  • Bells & Whistles (Arcade)
  • Parodius Da! (PC Engine)
  • Parodius (Game Boy)
  • Gradius: The Interstellar Assault (Game Boy)
  • Crisis Force (Famicom)
  • Xexex aka Orius (Arcade)
  • Gradius (PC Engine)
  • Salamander (PC Engine)
  • Detana!! TwinBee (PC Engine)
  • G.I. Joe (Arcade)
  • Parodius (SNES)
  • Axelay (SNES)
  • Gradius II (PC Engine Super CD-ROM²)
  • Pop’n TwinBee (SNES)
  • Gokujou Parodius! (Arcade)
  • Gokujou Parodius (Super Famicom)
  • Parodius Da! (PlayStation/Saturn)
  • Gokujō Parodius (PlayStation/Saturn)
  • TwinBee Yahho! (Arcade)
  • Jikkyou Oshaberi Parodius (Super Famicom)
  • Salamander 2 (Arcade)
  • Sexy Parodius (Arcade, PSX)
  • Jikkyou Oshaberi Parodius: Forever with Me (PSX)
  • Solar Assault (Arcade)
  • Gradius Gaiden (PSX)
  • Gradius IV (Arcade)
  • Gradius Galaxies (GBA)
  • Parodius (PSP)
  • TwinBee Da! (PSP)
  • Gradius 2 (PSP)

Aliens (1990 Arcade Game Review)

Aliens
Platform: Arcade
Released January, 1990
Directed by Satoru Okamoto
Developed by Konami
NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED

Thank you to TJ, my Aliens-obsessed nephew, for being my playing partner with this. And whining the entire time that these models are non-canon, but hey, that’s why I love you, kiddo.

1990’s Aliens coin-op is the answer to a depressing trivia question: what is the highest profile Konami arcade game to never get any form of a home release at all? Even the Simpsons got sh*tty ports for Commodore and DOS computers long before it had a brief-but-famous run on Xbox Live Arcade and PlayStation Network. Aliens didn’t get that. It got NOTHING. It’s thirty-five years later and it’s almost forgotten completely. It’s not even a historic curio. Aliens is a non-relevant non-entity in the annals of gaming, which is kind crazy given the fact that’s it’s a f*cking ALIENS game made by Konami during their prime as an arcade developer. It’s not subject to glowing editorials. It almost never seems to come up in casual conversation on social media. That’s strange, because it’s not a sh*t game by any means. It’s damn hard and often unfair, but actually, it sort of feels like it should be exactly the type of game that gains new life via MAME. That hasn’t happened, either. So, what gives?

The Japanese build does NOT have these third-person sequences that are the low points of the game anyway. There’s also two American versions, one of which is apparently so difficult that the EASY dip switch is equal to the Japanese HARD setting. I assumed that’s the version TJ and I played, but apparently the infamous “brutal” version has no health refills, and the version we played did. Those health refills gave you maybe a couple points back at most. This is NOT Ninja Turtles to say the least. Oh, and in these segments, you have to press the button every time you want to fire. In the side-scrolling sections, you can hold the button down. These stages were exhausting, flow-breaking, and boring. What were they thinking?

Aliens is worth playing. Like, seriously, this is a decent game that’s cut from the same cloth as G.I. Joe: completely mindless, inelegant mayhem that could never last past the twenty-to-thirty minute runtime, but it’s so damn charming. It also captures the spirit of the property, which makes for effective gaming junk food. Aliens is a run & gun that walks like a brawler, literally because you’re just walking slowly instead of running. Take the Ninja Turtles or Simpsons coin-ops from Konami and replace the fisticuffs with a machine gun that has unlimited ammo. BAM, Aliens. It’s not elegant at all. You have two options for combat: shoot or duck and shoot. There’s mostly no real patterns to the enemies and, even if there is, they cheat the patterns anyway. At one point, a boss was ricocheting off the wall. A gaming trope as old as time, only it changed its angle suddenly and darted right into TJ. It was so shamelessly cheap that even TJ, the most chill, easy-going kid I’ve ever known, screamed “oh come on!” before we both laughed. Of course, if we had paid a quarter for that life in a 1990 arcade, it might not have been so funny.

While writing Konami Shoot ‘Em Ups: The Definitive Review, I’ve been surprised several times by how generous a game is with item drops. Aliens is most certainly not generous. Weapon drops are very, very rare. It makes co-op a bit of a drag because it never drops enough items for both players. The weapons also cycle between a missile launcher that slaps, a three way shot that doesn’t, and a flamethrower which works wonderfully. But the lack of generosity makes them a tease.

So yea, co-op can be repetitive thanks to the limited items. The default machine gun is okay but not amazing, but the game is too stingy with the fun stuff. There’s also only one of the exo-suits both times the game presents it, even though the last boss REQUIRES you to use it. When cooperative games do this, it feels like a lonely developer’s sinister plot to end friendships and tear apart families. Thankfully, TJ listened to Aunt Cathy when she said “I’m going to let you pick up the item, but let the thing change to something else first so I can see what it is!” See, unlike most games I review, I decided to play this once co-op, and once only. Once was enough, and we discovered that, in other ROMs, you have to mash the fire button instead of holding it down in the side-scrolling sections. That would change Aliens from stupid fun to just stupid.

Some of the bosses you turn and shoot the background, but the encounter with the Alien Queen (which this actually isn’t the LAST boss) is done from the side and a bit too spongy.

Aliens is already empty-calories gaming, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Despite the comparisons to Ninja Turtles, Aliens has far more in common with another 90s licensed Konami coin-op: 1992’s G.I. Joe, which I’ve previously reviewed and played again for Konami Shoot ‘Em Ups: The Definitive Review. Both are short, shamelessly cheap, but manage to be fun despite themselves. Aliens doesn’t pretend to play fair and is instead based around having a short but length with some excellent sprite work and gameplay that provides just enough of a good time that two players hanging out at an arcade might very well spring for a full playthrough. I’d guesstimate that would cost around five bucks worth of quarters each if you didn’t adjust the dip switches. Do you want to know why Aliens never came home? It’s not because the shadow of Capcom’s Alien vs. Predator looms large. No, it’s because arcades might need games like Aliens. Consoles don’t. That’s also why G.I. Joe never came home. Don’t get me wrong: Aliens is a LOT stronger game than G.I. Joe. Better sights. Better combat. Better variety of enemies. Better bosses, but cursed for the same reasons: Konami’s Aliens is more shallow than the plot for Alien Resurrection. Okay, maybe not that shallow but you get my point.
Verdict: YES!

Oh Shoot! (Atari 2600 Indie Review)

Oh Shoot!
Platform: Atari 2600
Release Date TBD
Developed by Phillip Meyer
Visit His Development Blog
Try the Demo

Link to point of sale at Atari Age store.

Imagine the OG pack-in Combat if it had active environmental hazards. Oh, and it was a LOT faster paced. And the map changed after every point. And the vehicle changed after every point. And the….. you know what? Screw it. Don’t imagine Combat. This is very different, actually. Your first impression will be “Updated Combat” but that’s just not the case.

When it comes to reviewing multiplayer-focused games, getting the players isn’t the worst part. Eventually, I can get my family to give me some time with just about any game. The big problem is parity. I just don’t have anyone around me who can match me on some genres. When I did Tetris Battle Gaiden as part of Tetris Forever, I had such an experience advantage over every possible opponent I could muster that I couldn’t really figure out how balanced the game was for anyone else. I had to watch my father and nephew duel in order to finish the review. This is the peril of indie developers making multiplayer-focused games. Unless the game is suitable for all skill levels out of the box, with either NO learning curve or one that gives someone new to gaming a fighting chance against a seasoned gamer, even getting optimal coverage from critics is going to be a pain in the ass. And that’s to say nothing about what the experience will be like for your actual consumers. The reason I bring that up is everyone who plays Oh Shoot should be, more less, on equal footing regardless of experience, even though it’s a modern Atari 2600 game.

Without the ability to shoot in any direction but straight ahead, you might find a situation where both players camp behind the scenery. Even with this “problem” I don’t know why on Earth there’s a toggle that allows bullets to pass through scenery.

My playing partners/opponents were my senior citizen father and TJ, my middle school aged nephew, who isn’t into Atari games. As stated in the first caption, this is NOT Combat. You can only shoot straight in front of you, and even when you specifically select slow movement, this is faster than, say, the tanks in Combat. We tinkered around with the different two player modes and agreed that the best mode was mode 10: fast/manual with FX turned on, which makes the environment change in the middle of shooting. We also turned off the ability to shoot through things, which I recommend because otherwise the game is just insanely boring. I don’t even know why that’s something that can be toggled on and off. With it turned on, players aren’t incentivized to use strategy. Just lob bullets from the other side of the screen with no regard for the setting except not to crash into it. With it turned off, Oh Shoot makes for a pretty solid competitive game.

If I could suggest one additional rule for Oh Shoot, which presumably I can since the game is not out yet, it would be to add the rule “regardless of the score, players must win via a bullet and not by deliberately crashing into the other player.” Or actually, just make it so the person winning must survive the winning round. Once we knew what we were doing, too often the games ended by the person (mostly TJ, the little dweeb) who built up a lead no longer trying to score the kill the “right way” and instead just look for any opening to crash into the other player, which gives BOTH players a point. First to 20 wins. I don’t even know if our idea is programmable on the 2600. That’s why they’re the game makers and I’m the game review writing person.

The hook, besides the active environments that shift, warp, or retract, is that there’s a pool of 1,024 different screens that are randomly chosen and change after a kill is scored. So every point is a fresh experience, with players being reset to their side of the screen for a new map. When I played my father in Combat, there was almost always a stretch where one person would score a few shots in a row before the person could even get away. That’s not the case here. You’re also assigned a random vehicle, which is not just a skin. The helicopters shoot in straight lines and their bullets don’t travel the full length of the screen. The jets shoot the full length of the screen AND their bullets can be aimed by moving up and down after you shoot. The UFOs can also be aimed but their bullets travel in a small wave. Finally the things that look like TIE Fighters shoot bullets that travel in a big, chaotic wave. And both players don’t always get the same ship, so luck probably does factor in a little too much sometimes.

Some rounds ended immediately when one or both of us flew into the scenery as it spawned.

Oh Shoot is probably not going to be a game that we pull out during family rec time. TJ wasn’t especially interested in it, but in fairness, he’s like that with 99% of games for anything before the PS4. When I was his age, I would have been exactly the same way with Atari. I don’t think he would have played this at all in most circumstances. Thankfully, he IS into Aliens, Predator, and Aliens vs. Predator. And that’s how I got him to play this. A couple weeks ago, he was my co-op partner for the 1990 Konami Aliens. When we finished, I told him about the Capcom AvP brawler, and today he asked to play that. I asked him “before we do that, can I get about fifteen minutes on an Atari game I have to play for IGC?” Well, I didn’t get fifteen minutes. He gave me almost three times that. Mostly because he whooped us, but that’s beside the point. Sure, he spent most of that time complaining that he could only shoot straight ahead, but he also slaughtered us. Actually, he came back in one down 13 to 7 and won 15 to 20, and I only got those last two points because he decided the best way to win was just to crash into me. He’s evil.

This is incredibly nit-picky but there might actually be too many options. Like, there’s the ability for the ships to move forward automatically. We didn’t like that at all. I really wish Phillip would have focused on optimizing a handful of modes instead of seemingly trying to cover every possible house rule imaginable.

What TJ didn’t know during our first round was this wasn’t a game from the 1970s. “You just played an Atari game that isn’t even out yet! You’re one of the first to play the full version of it, in fact!” His reply summed it up better than this review ever could. “It’s cool that they still make Atari games.” It is cool! TJ wasn’t Oh Shoot’s target audience, and frankly, neither am I. And actually my father said he liked Combat with Pong bullets a lot more than Oh Shoot. Probably because he actually wins rounds of that, and he didn’t win a single round of this. I thought Oh Shoot was fine. Not mind blowing, but for what it is, this was an enjoyable waste of a morning. I wasn’t ever going to be blown away by it. Well, I was blown away dozens of times playing it in the literal sense but that’s obviously not what I meant. I didn’t grow up with an Atari 2600. It holds very little in the way of nostalgia for me, so it’s not like I’m longing for a game like Oh Shoot. For my generation, there’s always a hint of a novelty to the Atari 2600, which is probably multiplied by playing a new game built today for it.

Missed ’em by THIS much. I will say that if one player had the jet and the other had anything else, most of the time the player with the jet was scoring the point.

At the same time, I’ve heard plenty about what a pain in the ass the Video Computer System is to program for and I get why someone would do that. Asking why anyone would make games for the Atari 2600 today is like asking George Mallory why he would try to climb Mt. Everest. “Because it’s there!” Yeah! Because it’s there! In that sense, it might not even matter if the game is fun or not. The experience is the point. The novelty of a new Atari game is the point. If that game happens to be fun, that’s a bonus. Oh Shoot is fun, for everyone. A kid who can count his experiences playing Atari 2600 games on one hand and still have fingers left over slaughtered us, and apparently not just so he could get to the game he actually wanted to play faster. Would I want to play it again? Probably not, because I’m not specifically into Atari two player shooting games. But, is it worth playing? Yeah. Why? Because it’s cool that quality games are still being made for the Atari 2600. Because it’s fun. Because it’s there.
Verdict: YES!
Try the Demo
A review copy was supplied for this review. I mean, obviously. The game isn’t out yet, but I forgot to put that the first time.

The Legendary Axe (TurboGrafx-16 Review)

The Legendary Axe
aka Makyō Densetsu
Platform: TurboGrafx-16
Released September 23, 1988 (JP) August 29, 1989 (US)
Designed by Tokuhiro Takemori and Keisuke Abe
Developed by Victor Musical Industries
Published by NEC (US)
NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED

You’re going to notice a LOT of straight line levels in screenshots of this game that took home actual Game of the Year awards the year I was born.

It was pretty stunning that Legendary Axe wasn’t included in the TurboGrafx-16/PC Engine Minis. It’s probably the most high profile game that was left out of the lineup, and hell, it never even got a Virtual Console release on the Wii either. What makes that strange is that Legendary Axe won a lot of awards and was even named 1989’s Game of the Year by some publications. How did that happen? I’m going to take a stab in the dark and guess it’s because the check cleared? (shrug) I literally cannot believe a group of people who play video games for a living collectively decided that this was better than any other game they played that year unless they were paid to say it. The only other option is that group of people was so impressed by the smallest hint of an audio-visual upgrade over the NES that they have probably since perished from sensory overload when they saw the PlayStation’s loading screen for the first time.

Woo hoo! More straight line level design! You know, I think a jump is going to happen soon. Whoa, slow down, buddy. A jump? You don’t want to overwhelm people. Keep it straight and slow.

But the accolades kept coming years after the fact. Electronic Gaming Monthly named it the 80th best video game ever made in 1997. How did THAT happen? I assume that list was compiled by people who played exactly eighty video games in their lives. Seriously, you guys could only find seventy-nine better video games than this? Really? Or were you so embarrassed that you once named this TurboGrafx-16 game of the year instead of Alien Crush that you just went along with naming it a top 100 game ever as some kind of weird sunk cost fallacy? I found the list and, besides sports games like MLB 98 (hell, even I named NBA 2K1 on the Dreamcast to my original top 10 all-time list in 2012), I cannot stress enough how much Legendary Axe sticks out like a sore thumb among other games on it. This ahead of Bonk’s Adventure? Are you kidding me? Ms. Pac-Man? Oh come on!

As far as I could tell, this is the only thing in the game that feels like a kind of 1989ish level of gaming evolution. It’s a key that opens up a handful of extra health refills and an attack meter increase. It’s like they knew they had to do more than the straight line, but that was too hard so, after programming this, they said “alright, now it’s a ‘real’ game. Back to the straight lines!”

It’s not that Legendary Axe is bad. I mean, it is, but mostly because it’s boring by design and the object of game development is to create a means of escaping boredom, not causing more of it. At best, it’s a run-of-the-mill flat arcade-like combative game. But even those types of games normally had evolved well past gameplay this rudimentary by 1989. This feels like an NES game from two or three years earlier, only with SLIGHTLY updated 8-bit visuals. I just reviewed Cadash in Taito Milestones 3: The Definitive Review. That was another 1989 release that feels like THIS specific genre. That arcade platforming/hack ’em up genre, only that was so much more ambitious than this. Legendary Axe is so BASIC that it’s a nothingburger of a game. This should not have felt like a big deal even in 1989. So what gives?

The final level of the game? Straight lines, but fashioned like a maze. I genuinely can’t believe anyone of any era would give it any award except “most generic” and “most walking in a straight line” and “most time spent waiting around for your weapon to charge-up.” I checked. There aren’t awards for those things except “most generic” only it’s instead called “The Golden Globe for Best Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy” and it’s reserved for movies.

In Legendary Axe, you mostly walk in straight lines and swing your axe at enemies. Occasionally you have to jump over a pit or swing on a vine, but the overwhelming majority of the game is walking in a straight line and fighting spongy enemies with very basic attack patterns. When a game plays out like that, the combat better be phenomenal. Legendary Axe’s is not. Actually, it’s pretty dull in design logic and amateurish in execution. From an execution point of view, collision detection is terrible. Your own box seems to grow by quite a lot when you swing your weapon. Since it’s literally the only form of attack, with no sub-weapons or items helping you, you’ll spend a lot of time getting smacked by enemies who didn’t even come close to having their sprites hit your sprite. Maybe they have REALLY bad breath or something?

This brief section in the third stage is the game’s platforming at its most complicated. Sometimes you have to jump to a higher series of platforms, but that’s fairly rare. There’s no moving platforms and, at most, you have to time a jump after a fireball or enemies has flown up from the pit you’re crossing. There’s just no imagination at all in Legendary Axe outside the final boss. It’s a remarkably uninspired game. Sadly, some decent jumping physics go to waste.

From a logical point of view, Legendary Axe is a game that forces players to spend a lot of time waiting around. The gimmick is your axe has a meter that empties every time you swing it, and a full-powered swing takes a while to charge up. Just mashing the attack button does hardly any damage at all, and so you’re highly incentivized to wait for the axe to charge-up at least half-way. As you go along, enemies become spongier and spongier, but you’ll eventually be able to locate four upgrades to the meter’s size. These give you more powerful attacks, but with them comes a meter that takes a LOT longer to fill up.

“We need to do something besides straight lines and rudimentary platforming.” “I GOT IT! False floors! Everyone loves those!” At least these ones are easy to spot once you know what to look for, I guess.

By time you have all four upgrades, which you ABSOLUTELY NEED if you don’t want most enemies to shrug off your attacks and immediately counter-attack you until you’re out of life, you have to wait a couple seconds for the meter to charge up.  You can’t swing upward, and when you’re ducking, your attack becomes a horizontal slice instead of the normal vertical one. Your axe also only does the full damage on the first thing it touches, so if an enemy shoots projectiles right before you land your hit, you waste your charge shot on it. For many of those types of enemies, I honestly couldn’t figure out a way to avoid taking damage. I’m pretty sure a couple of them are life slaps because they spam their projectiles in uneven patterns. This combines with collision issues and enemies that typically counter-attack. You don’t exactly have a lot of range, so all combat is close-quarters. It gets old really fast.

Like these chicks here who look kind of like Marge Simpson when she lets her hair down. They continuously throw three balls and immediately throw again as soon as you land a hit on them. One time I thought I’d avoided the balls and successfully slayed her only to then have a ball spawn mid-air after she was dead and ping some of my health.

Maybe their hearts were in the right place with the meter, but logically, the combat of Legendary Axe is completely reduced to needing to back up, wait for the meter to fill up all the way (which takes quite a while even after getting items to boost the speed) then make your move and hope the thing doesn’t fire a projectile to essentially block the attack you waited several seconds for. You HAVE to do it this way. If you try playing by any other means, you will die from the counter-attacks slowly pinging you to death. To show you what that’s like, watch this clip. In it, I fight a room full of enemies the only way that makes sense if you want to win. THEN I rewind the room and fight the final guy over again, only this time I don’t wait for my meter to fill up.

Mind you, that’s after picking up the items that increase the speed of the meter filling. 1989’s Game of the Year, everyone. I don’t get it. It’s such a basic, unexciting, repetitive nightmare. None of the drawbacks are done in a way that it could be considered a balanced risk/reward equation. A lot of enemies take so many shots that it’s no longer satisfying when it finally dies. You’re just happy it’s over with. And it keeps getting worse from there. A lot of the time, when a game’s collision is bad, it works both ways and you can cheese enemies the same way they do with you. That’s not the case with Legendary Axe. YOUR box is huge, but not the enemies or bosses. Also enemies and bosses seem to have more invincibility frames than you do. So while you can’t let this boss’ fireballs anywhere near you, your axe better be well onto its sprite, and you better not have just hit the thing. I’m not scoring a hit in either of these two pictures.

So, why the hell did Legendary Axe really win all those awards? Was gaming media of 1989 really that f*cking shallow that slightly better graphics overrode all gameplay merits? Because if that’s the case, I honestly think Altered Beast for the Sega Genesis, a game I didn’t like at all, was better than this. The combat was more impactful. The enemies are more imaginative. The bosses are more memorable. And the graphics, true 16-bit graphics and not just a rewarmed NES with a couple extra features, are far superior to the graphics of Legendary Axe. Altered Beast is a better game in every way a game can be better, and it came out exactly two weeks before Legendary Axe did in North America. Look at each game’s first bosses. Legendary Axe’s accolades couldn’t be just because “wow, look at the pretty graphics!”

I don’t even think this looks that good. It only looks good in comparison to the limits of NES games. How about one final comparison? On the left this time is Legendary Axe. On the right is what is essentially the NES version of Legendary Axe. A game called Astyanax that has a similar “wait for the meter to fill up” axe-based combat in a rudimentary platformer. Look, you even fight green eyeball monsters that float just above your axe’s reach in both games! Peachy.

But, nobody named Astyanax game of the year or one of the 100 best games of all time. I guess it really was about a slight audio/visual upgrade. I’ll never understand it. There’s just nothing to Legendary Axe. It features a limited variety of enemies. The level design and stages all feel samey. There’s no exciting set-pieces. The most complex thing in the game are vines you swing across or the occasional ladder that gets you out of a pit. I find it hard to believe that people awarded THIS piece of garbage Game of the Year in 1989, and I really can’t believe it would make a top 100 games of all time list in 1997. Is it REALLY just because of the last boss? Oh God, it is, isn’t it?

I guess this is technically the best part of the game because it’s actually a little fun to play, I think. Anything is better compared to what came before it.

I mean, it’s a cool looking boss and it plays a lot better than the rest of the game. But it’s not that hard. I beat it on my second attempt and probably would have won on the first if I had full life. The boss I fought right before the finale put up a bigger fight, mostly because against it, only one in three direct shots actually counted as hits. For the final boss, you can even strike it in the foot and get credit for a hit every time. I find that when a game responds to my actions, I usually have more fun than I do when it doesn’t, you know? It’s like they put everything into this one encounter. Even with a sweet final boss, Legendary Axe is basic even by the standards of 1989. I don’t think this is a game that sucks now because it aged badly. I cannot believe anyone could ever shower this clunky, unimaginative Conan wannabe with praise.

This is a boss fight. Legendary Axe does that thing where a boss of a stage becomes a basic enemy afterward.

Shame on me for assuming that Keith Courage was a lesser game before even playing Legendary Axe. At this point, I’m starting to understand how the TurboGrafx-16 failed in the United States. If Legendary Axe really was the killer app of the platform, that doesn’t bode well for it. Of course, the real killer app was Bonk’s Adventure, and Legendary Axe just further proves to me NEC made a big mistake not throwing every resource in their vast company towards making sure it was ready by the US launch. But, if given a choice between the pack-in game they chose or their big critically acclaimed game Legendary Axe? I’d much rather have Keith Courage. Like, by a big margin. And now I know why the curators of the TG16/PCE Minis didn’t lift a finger to secure this dumpster fire.
Verdict: NO!
By the way, the creator of Bonk worked on this game too. I stand by venom.

It’s a rock. I can’t wait to tell my friends. They don’t have a rock this big. Actually he looks like he’s chewing her out for getting kidnapped, doesn’t it?

Hudson Hawk (NES Review)

Hudson Hawk
Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System
Released December 27, 1991
Developed by Ocean
Published by Sony Imagesoft
NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED

My father is an unironic superfan of Hudson Hawk, so I want to preface this review by saying that, as miserable a time as I had, I’m happy that I’m almost 36 years old and I still get to play video games with my father, who’s about to turn 76. I love you, Daddy. Amo a mi Papá risueño! By the way, he hated the game too.

So yeah, Hudson Hawk is a terrible game that, like the infamous box office bomb that it’s based on, has a cult following. I don’t get it, at least with the NES game. Apparently most of its fans are fans of the home computer ports. They can have them. After playing the NES game, I didn’t like the concept of Hudson Hawk at all. I don’t even think it had any concept at all besides “hey, we got a license for the next movie starring the Die Hard guy! We’ve made it to the big time and OH MY GOD, what have we done?” At best, the game Hudson Hawk could have turned out to be a bland, rushed-through-production platformer. But, needless to say, the version I played is not the concept at its best. A game completely devoid of polish or craftsmanship, Hudson Hawk on the NES is one of the most sloppily coded games I’ve played at IGC. Currently, the worst NES game I’ve reviewed is Fox’s Peter Pan & The Pirates. A game that, mechanically speaking, I have nothing positive to say about. Hudson Hawk gave it a run for its money.

What the heck are these sprites? Hudson Hawk’s teeny tiny sprites all look deranged. “Oh look! The baby got into our LSD supply! Baby’s first acid trip! Look at that mouth foam! He’ll be having flashbacks for years and not even know why! How precious!”

I’ll start with the biggest problem. You’re given a whopping eight hit points per life, which sounds generous, but there’s a catch: they never bothered to program most of the notifications for when you’re taking damage. Some elements, like bullets, make a noise, but for the most part, damage is completely silent. There’s no damage sprites. There’s no blinking (my term for invincibility frames). There’s typically no noise to indicate you’ve been hit. You don’t even get to see your life bar during the action. You have to pause the game to do that. Here’s what that looks like with an enemy dropping objects out a window onto you. I had seven hearts going into this and let the guy drop something on me. Despite the fact that I lose six out of seven hearts here, you wouldn’t know it from how the game reacts, which is LITERALLY NOT AT ALL!

It’s unbelievable that anyone making a game that’s supposed to be fun could actually believe this was a good idea. “Nobody likes it when Mega Man goes GLLLLLICK or when Simon Belmont goes PISSHHH. Let’s just not do that, and everyone will love our game!” I’d like to see someone ROM hack those games to remove all reactions to taking damage, including removing the life bar from the primary gameplay screen and see how fun they are. The answer is “they would be next to unplayable.” It’s like how only an idiot would hear about those people who are born with CIPA, aka congenital inability to feel pain, and think “I wish I had been born with that!” In reality, those people live short, tragic lives because pain is sort of essential to survival. Well, the appearance of pain is essential for action games to work. Don’t believe me? Play Hudson Hawk, a video game that has CIPA. That alone qualifies it for a NO! but Hudson Hawk has other fatal problems.

The gigantic slap that I think is supposed to be a punch is one of the weakest-feeling attacks on the NES. Usually a lack of OOMPH is because there’s no damage frames, but the lack of quality sound plays into it here.

Hudson Hawk is based around precision movement and jumping, but this is one of those games with seemingly deliberately rough controls, mechanics, and physics. I hate that. I always have. Saying the game engine itself should be the source of the challenge is like saying a car’s airbag should be attached to the brake pedal. It always feels like a product of having no ambition at all. You get a pathetic jump, but typical to this piece of junk, even that doesn’t work right. For this teeny tiny little jump to work at all, you have to build up sufficient momentum first. So naturally they built the level design largely around ledges that you have to do the hokey pokey on, turning around and trying to position yourself to build that momentum. Then the developers REALLY give players the middle finger by having your movement in general be too loose. Take a look at this segment:

This room, the finale of level two, is divided into two sections. On the top floor, you have to avoid walking on those yellow squares. They’re trampolines which will launch you onto those bookcases and force you to return to the ladder you entered from and start over. These aren’t platforms you’re jumping over. It’s a solid floor. Hudson Hawk does this trick constantly. Instead of trampolines, it’s usually alarms that are the floor tiles you jump over. Regardless of what you’re triggering, it’s always too sensitive and far harder than normal platform jumping to get right. Then you get to the bottom floor, and it’s unstated that you’re playing “the floor is lava” only instead of killing you, touching the floor activates a cage that lowers around the book you’re trying to reach. You can see that the platforms are pretty small, so you barely have enough room to build that momentum up. You can’t just jump blindly either since touching a light does damage. It doesn’t tell you that part either. Hell, the lights don’t even look like danger elements. Neither do the wall alarms in level one.

Touching either of the circled switches triggers an alarm. These are cropped photos. They’re very small in the game, and even more annoying is that there are switches you have to deliberately trigger. Just making contact with the bad ones sets them off.

The level design is probably the only part of the game that comes close to not being thoughtless. To the developer’s minuscule credit, they did try to make Hudson Hawk feel like more than a simple Point A to Point B game. It’s based on a caper film about a cat burglar. Like every other aspect, they failed, because they never even come close to staging it correctly. The above sequence where you can’t touch the floor? That could have felt like a heist, but it comes with no warning, and you don’t even get to see the cage lowering around the book because you’re so far away from it. The consequences for hitting the floor are more likely to happen off-screen. I’d have preferred a text screen before entering the room to explain the rules. A small break in the action would have been better than how they set the table for it, and there are text screens in the game between levels. If you’re a game developer, you HAVE to paint a picture for your higher-concept designs. Hudson Hawk doesn’t do that.

If not for the loose movement and lack of damage sprites/blinking, some of the screens would have risen to the level of “fine.” Really! Nothing special. These are boilerplate video game challenges, but the classics are classics for a reason: they work. Well, provided the mechanics work.

I’m not a fan of the movie, but Hudson Hawk should lend itself to an action game far easier than something like Back to the Future. Actually, they probably should have leaned more into stealth type of elements. Hudson Hawk is a caper film. Make Hudson Hawk a caper game. But the “stealth elements” don’t feel like stealth gameplay at all, so it never really succeeds at being a caper video game. The “alarms” don’t function like alarms because you’re just jumping or crawling under them and, like everything else in the game, they’re too sensitive and too subtle. I’d also think a “caper” game would have more slap-stick based “outwit enemies” combat, but Hudson Hawk doesn’t do that either. You just kill baddies with flimsy baseballs that come with a stiff penalty for missing. Or, sometimes the baseballs only stun enemies for a second or two and you have to finish them off with a clunky slap move that doesn’t even have to make contact to work. They phoned-in everything. Look at this:

It’s a blind jump that, when you make the leap, the platform just appears. It’s not exciting, though. Players are going to try it because the developers built it in a way where there’s literally no other option but to just try to jump. It happens several times in this room, and then at least one other time late in the game. I’m pretty sure it’s the block I’m standing on in the picture below that wasn’t originally visible. I found it by accident when I shorted a jump. You know what would have been more exciting, knuckleheads that made this game? Having it visible, because then I know what needs to be done and the consequences for not doing it. You’ve created the wrong sense of relief: surprise relief that builds no anticipation. Did any of you even play video games before you started making this?

And I might as well say it: this is one f*cking ugly game. I have no idea what motivated the art direction but these sprites are terrible.

My spidey-sense tells me the invisible platform thing might be a relic of a deleted gameplay mechanic that required an item to reveal hidden platforms. That’s a caper-like thing. There’s no items that affect gameplay at all. My father said the game they should have tried to replicate was Konami’s Goonies II. A licensed game with caper-like first person exploration segments. But, Goonies II is an excellent game because it probably took a lot of effort to make, and who has time for that? As a general action platformer, Hudson Hawk has no excitement because of the poor movement and jumping, and because the graphics are so ugly that you can’t even see half the things killing you. All these fatal problems in a game that has so little ambition to begin with. Hudson Hawk is a movie that’s famously overproduced. Maybe the designers felt like they had to balance the scales of the universe by grossly underproducing it.

Oh thank God I’m finished with the game.

The best thing I can say about Hudson Hawk: at least it’s not as bad as Peter Pan & The Pirates. I did have to think about it, though. Probably the second best thing I can say about Hudson Hawk is the game only lasts three levels. That’s probably a pretty good indication of a creatively bankrupt game made by people who were completely disinterested. Maybe they saw a screening of film and were like “oh f*ck, this is what we’re making a game for?” It happens, but you can still make a great game out of a bad property. Ever heard of Johnny Mnemonic? It’s a famously terrible movie that Midway signed up to do a pinball table of before knowing how the film would turn out. Even after George Gomez saw the film and questioned every decision that led to him having this gig, the finished pinball machine is beloved by fans. If you work for a AAA game maker who does licensed games, you’re going to end up working on a mediocre IP eventually. Great developers resolve to make their game the best thing to ever come out of the franchise. The bad developers simply don’t care because they get paid either way, and the worst ones? They make games like Hudson Hawk.
Verdict: NO!

“WOOOOO BABY! COCAINE IS AWESOME! QUICK, SOMEONE HAND ME A POGO STICK BEFORE THE COME DOWN!”

The Karate Kid (NES Review)

The Karate Kid
Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System
Released November, 1987
Developed by Atlus
Published by LJN
NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED

That does not look like Sensei Lawrence. Also, all the screenshots are going to look like a piece of paper that someone spilled water on thanks to the pattern in the status bar. I bet that looked nicer on old tube TVs.

This might come as an incredible shock to my readers, but as I’m typing this sentence, before rendering my verdict on The Karate Kid, vilified NES publisher LJN has a winning record at Indie Gamer Chick. The current scorecard stands at 2 YES!, 1 NO! Don’t mistake that for some kind of accomplishment, since those YES! games barely made it over the finish line while the NO! game couldn’t find the finish line if the finish line crawled up its ass. We’re not exactly talking masterpieces I played over here. The first was Jaws, back in October of 2023. A game that’s historically maligned but genuinely not horrible. It just doesn’t do enough. Then, as my Christmas 2024 feature, I looked at nearly every light gun game on a Nintendo platform, including LJN’s Gotcha! The Sport. A bland but serviceable NES Zapper game. Finally, earlier this year, I took a look at Back to the Future. Is BTTF as bad as people say? Nah. It’s just very boring, which granted, is the worst thing a game can be, but it’s not the legendary trash fire I expected. Well, I had a feeling what to expect with Karate Kid. I was wrong, too, because this is no half-assed effort.

Update: Cathy, you silly dumbass. I’ve done FOUR games by LJN. I forgot about Wolverine, which got a NO! It’s okay. Everyone else forgot about Wolverine too.

If you dare to play Karate Kid, be ready to see a lot of sprites that look like this.

For starters, unlike Jaws or Back to the Future, Karate Kid makes an earnest effort to follow the story of the first two movies. Mostly the second movie, as only the opening level has anything to do with the first flick. You start with the finale of the Karate Kid: the All Valley Tournament. You have to win four matches against sprites that look nothing like the characters from the films. Weirdly, that’s the only major disconnect from the films. After that, the game is a more platforming-focused take on Kung-Fu Master. In fact, I should have included Karate Kid in my Kung-Fu Master: The Definitive Review feature, since the gameplay is clearly inspired by that legendary game. The combat really is almost identical to the famous Irem game, at least in theory. One button for punch, one for kick, press UP to jump, with the full range of moves from Kung-Fu Master. If you’re going to copy, copy from the best, right?

There’s also three different bonus games taken directly from the films. One where you smash blocks of ice, one where you catch flies in chopsticks, and the hammer seen here. I never got good at this one. The timing is weird.

Karate Kid doesn’t just copy Kung-Fu Master, though. It tries its damnedest to one-up that game by including two special moves: the drum technique from the second film and the legendary crane kick. They’re even animated in a way where the actual attack part comes with a slight delay, but they’re pretty convincing for a 1987 NES game. The problem with them is they’re done by simply standing still and pressing the kick button for the crane kick and punch for the drum technique. It makes it way too easy to activate them accidentally. The drum punch especially seems a lot more sensitive and poorly coded than the crane kick. I was constantly accidentally using the drum even when my movement should have cancelled the activation. Since you very much want to save these special moves for boss encounters or even when two enemies are attacking you out of sync, it’s annoying how easy it is to burn through them. This is compounded by Karate Kid being yet another NES game where the SELECT button goes unused. Why not map it so SELECT + A/B activates the special moves?

Speaking of bosses, this is supposed to be Chozen, the jerk ass from Karate Kid 2 who becomes one of the coolest allies in Cobra Kai. But, it looks nothing like him! Instead, this sprite is a DEAD RINGER for John Kreese! I mean, seriously, I did a double take and everything.

Before I continue, holy crap, the Kreese thing gets weirder. The basic enemies look EXACTLY like 8-bit versions of Young Kreese from Cobra Kai.

WTF?! Actor Barrett Carnahan (Young Kreese) could use that sprite as his driver’s license photo! Mind you, “Young Kreese” didn’t debut until Season 3, episode 2 of Cobra Kai, and this game is five years older than Carnahan, so this is kind of spooky. Oh, and Young Kreese is also the best character in the series and I’ll fight you on that. I do think Young Kreese and old Kreese are two separate characters from alternative dimensions since I literally cannot believe that Young Kreese grows up to be Old Kreese. Every single time I thought they were going to finally bridge the gap between the characters of Young Kreese and Old Kreese, nope, they did something else that made me think “there is no way that guy eventually became THAT guy.”

Anyway, I thought Karate Kid was decent enough at the start. Certainly rough in terms of movement and jumping, but nothing offensive, and it had acceptable level design and decent enough graphics. This lasted until about five seconds into the second stage, when the gameplay came to a screeching halt thanks to some of the strangest damage physics I’ve experienced in any 2D platformer. When you get hit in Karate Kid, there’s a pronounced knock-back, but unlike Castlevania or Mega Man, that knock-back has no blinking with it. Naturally, Karate Kid’s default challenge is sending two enemies at you who attack just out of sync. Of course it would be that way, and thus you can get caught very easily in a juggle. Hell, the level design even seems to be tailored specifically to cause this. Look at this shot:

I had a full life bar going into this part. You really don’t want to give up the high ground because of stuff like this. So, the combat is, to say the least, frustrating. As if to cosmically square this, enemies really don’t seem to know how to navigate the terrain. When they reach a low point on the playfield like in the above screen, even though they seem mechanically capable of climbing out of it, they become too confused to do so. In later stages, enemies are so lobotomized that more of them will kill themselves via the pits than be killed by you. A few years ago I reviewed the Atari-developed Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom coin-op that had me gobsmacked by how suicidal enemies were. This game gives it a run for its money. Karate Kid’s dimwitted basic enemies are just as bad, often walking off platforms to their doom. Some even jumped willingly into the water to die by drowning. That’s hardcore. You know what? I get it. They knew they wouldn’t even get a cameo in Season Six of Cobra Kai, but come on, fellas. Maybe there’s hope for a Chozen spin-off!

But, the surviving enemies aren’t so much fun to fight as they are pests. By the end of Karate Kid, I was so bored with being used as a tetherball that I opted to leg it and run away from enemies. That’s a viable strategy if you can get in front of them, since the game can only spawn two at a time. Then the third level hit, which takes place during the typhoon sequence of the second movie. Now, again, very admirable that they tried to recreate the set-pieces of the film. You even rescue the little girl from the typhoon while fighting Kreese Chozen. Okay, so in the film Chozen isn’t part of that sequence, but it’s the thought that counts. Despite its scathing reputation, Karate Kid does a lot right. The sprites have more frames of animation than most NES games of this time frame do, which gives the combat a pretty good sense of OOMPH! Nice graphics. The game follows the movie as close as you can do in an 8-bit platformer. Karate Kid isn’t phoned-in at all.

The baddies are like “OH COME ON, EVEN THE LITTLE GIRL GETS CLOSURE IN COBRA KAI AND WE DON’T?” By the way, this stage was a slight epilepsy risk thanks to the lightning flashes, so I’ll remind everyone that I’m partnered with AbleToPlay so please support them and sign up to contribute to their database to help people like me.

It sounds so cool, but that whole typhoon level is an unimaginable clusterf*ck of sadness because the entire time the wind is pushing you backward AND crap is flying at you randomly. It’s hard to get too mad because I understand why it’s like that. Altus figured out that the game would be monotonous, so they had to do something to differentiate the stages. The same can be said about the structure of the final boss. Again, they based it on the scene from the sequel, where you fight Chozen to the death on a platform. Except, they want players to honor the spirit of the movie and allow Chozen to square-up with you because of honor or some such bullsh*t. If that’s how they wanted it, why even program him to tee himself up for players by leaping onto the platform from high above you? Because if you punch him out of the air, it’ll knock him into the water, but that’s NOT supposed to happen so they just restart the fight over and over until you allow him to land. Then, not only do you have to fight him, but you have to make sure Kumiko isn’t knocked into the water, and her hit box and movement behavior is far too sensitive.

Calling Karate Kid a disaster is just straight-up wrong. It’s not even a run-of-the-mill bad licensed game. This actually had a fighting chance to not only be a quality game, but maybe even a beloved one. It doesn’t lack for effort. Karate Kid lacks for polish. Based on what I’ve heard about motion picture licensing from the 80s, Atlus probably had a very strict deadline to bring Karate Kid from the drawing board to the manufacturing. The people granting the licenses, simply put, didn’t know there was a difference between good video games and bad ones. To them, video games were no different than action figures, and if kids think a toy is boring, that’s on the kid, not them. This screwed a LOT of talented studios, which in turn screwed a lot of game consumers.

Two of the three characters in this picture are about to drown while the third will do the heroic thing: point and laugh at them.

It speaks volumes to how talented Atlus was, even in 1987, that Karate Kid rises to the level it does. Because my hunch tells me that, when it came to gameplay concepts, they had to use whatever was the first viable (IE programmable) idea that was pitched. There was no time to weed out bad ideas. Hence the wind in level three, or the way Kumiko works in the final battle, or even the very short length of the game. Despite this, Karate Kid follows the plot better than any other movie-based NES game up to this point. Actually, it probably held that title for years afterwards. Most developers wouldn’t have bothered. That’s the thing about LJN/Atlus’s Karate Kid on the NES. I never once got a sense of cynicism or laziness out of it, like I did with Back to the Future. Karate Kid is so clearly made with the best of intentions that it breaks my heart that it’s no good.

“Uh, Mr. Miyagi, I’m being attacked by a man using his two foot long serrated penis! Any sage advice?” “Daniel San, I helped you bring down Cobra Kai. I taught you ancient martial arts passed down from father to son. But I didn’t sign up for this. You’re on your own. Miyagi getting the f*ck out of here!”

Karate Kid is a fan service game, as a movie-based game should be. Atlus just didn’t have the resources, experience, or time to clean up the janky combat. That’s all this game needs: POLISH. Okay, and maybe an extra level or two, but what’s here would need minimal fine-tuning to become an above average movie game. Atlus would eventually go on to accomplish some amazing things in gaming, and it’s not hard to see their potential in Karate Kid. I can’t give it a YES! because it’s bad and even when I know a game got a raw deal due to a licensing agreement, I show no mercy in my verdict. But, in my heart, I feel pain for Atlus and the team behind Karate Kid. I didn’t hate this game. Like Back to the Future, its reputation is largely exaggerated, but unlike Back to the Future, Karate Kid doesn’t deserve it. Back to the Future is a joke because of how little it feels like the movie. Karate Kid the NES game feels like an actual Karate Kid product. If only the gameplay was a little more refined, I think it could have gone down as an all-timer on the NES. I really do.
Verdict: NO!

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

And yea, I played pacnsacdave’s Cobra Kai ROM hack. It doesn’t fix the collision or blinking issues, so there’s really not a lot to say. What Karate Kid is BEGGING for is a quality of life ROM hack. I think there’s an above average Kung-Fu Master knock-off in here somewhere that some talented ROM hacker can unlock. I’m there for it when it happens.

Bonk’s Adventure: Arcade Version (Arcade Review)

Bonk’s Adventure: Arcade Version
aka Kyuukyoku!! PC Genjin (Japan)
aka B.C. Kid: Arcade Version (Europe)
Platform: Arcade

Released in 1994
Developed by Kaneko
NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED

Certainly a gorgeous game with impressive sprite work and memorable enemies.

Calling the arcade version of Bonk “the forgotten Bonk” kind of seems weird when the whole franchise is essentially forgotten at this point. Many of my older readers have talked about the original Bonk’s Adventure for the TurboGrafx-16 as a game that looked so enticing that they wanted to trade their NES in for a TG16. For a while, it looked like Bonk would be a mascot on the level of Mario and Sonic. It never happened. The last fully original Bonk game released in 1995, and the last console release happened exclusively in Japan with a PlayStation 2/GameCube remake of the original Bonk’s Adventure. Back in 2023, I had planned to do every Bonk game. I only finished two games, the original and its NES remake, before I needed a break. I have quite a few games left, including this extremely weird arcade take that’s built around co-op play, though the game is fine in single player.

This might be my new favorite screenshot ever. In the co-op game, Bonk’s girlfriend tags along and you and her can bonk each other till your heart’s content, though as seen in this pic, she might not like it. The dinosaur above Bonk is like “hooo, this will be fun to watch!”

If you’re expecting a close approximation of the console versions of Bonk, forget about it. You can’t even “glide” by rapidly doing and undoing the diving headbutt like in the original games. There’s also no exploration at all during the twenty-one levels, which are bite-sized. Seriously, in my first play through, I usually took about 40 to 45 seconds per stage. Speed is incentivized, as the game keeps track of the fastest times for each level. You don’t have to worry about gathering items, with the exception of the smiley faces. You’ll notice the smiley faces are stacked on Bonk’s head in most of the pictures. In the coin-op, they act as a sort of helmet that both protects you from some attacks and gives you extended reach on your headbutts. But, if you take damage, they go flying like the rings in Sonic. It sounds nice, but I never fully got a grasp on why some enemies were knocking the smileys off my head and others were damaged by them.

Sometimes the ball is a basketball. Sometimes it’s a soccer ball. Sometimes it’s a football. My non-American readers are ripping their hair out and/or screaming at their monitors after those last two.

You’re also expected to grab a sportsball and carry it to the finish line of each stage. You even score points for every second you carry it. The end of stages features a moving finish line straight out of Super Mario World, only the twist is the tape is a hoop that you dunk the ball through. It sounds more important than it is. Arcade Bonk is a straight-up platforming action game that’s based around simple enemy attacks and hazards like spikes or falling blades. Despite all the elements that have been added over the console Bonk titles, this is a much simpler game than those. Play the short stages, all of which are left-to-right scrolling. There’s no vertical stages and no set pieces. The only themed stage of note is a single stage with swimming. That old chestnut, and it sucks as much here as it normally does. Seriously, for all the whining I do about slippy-sliding ice stages (and those are here too) I’d rather be frustrated by them than bored with a swimming stage.

Funny enough, Bonk games tend to have better swimming stages than most platformers and the coin-op Bonk is no exception. But I’d still rather have a normal level. I’ve never understood the popularity of swimming stages in games. “It’s kind of like the game you’ve been playing this whole time, only slower. Much, much slower.”

The tiny stages are weird, but how they play out is even weirder. You can play the twenty-one levels in any order. After every three levels, you then fight one the seven bosses in any order. Normally this would be a sign of a game that doesn’t scale properly since, in theory, being able to choose any level and especially any boss means the levels need to be balanced. That’s not the case here. Bonk’s levels are numbered, and I’d say the sequential order scales as you would expect it to almost perfectly, with the final stages offering a pretty hefty challenge. I have no clue why they made this non-linear. Presumably it’s because this was kind of designed to be a ticket redemption game and, in theory, you can get more tickets on the harder levels since there’s more scoring opportunities. If you do play this, I strongly suggest you activate the SERVICE MODE in the dip switch settings and beef up the difficulty (you can also change the Japanese text to English). The default setting is set to 0 out of 3 in difficulty, but it should be set on 1 or 2, at least.

Some damn good boss fights too, including one against Evil Baby Bonk. Kind of redundant since all babies are evil until they work it out of their system.

Keeping it real, the coin-op version of Bonk is probably going to be one of the weaker games in the franchise. Despite all the effort to give this layers of complexity, it’s one of the most basic platformers to come out during this time frame. Thankfully, the action of the Bonk franchise is really, really good. The arcade game is proof of how good. It was a smart move to take away the ability to hover, as it would have allowed players to circumvent most of the challenge. By removing that, you’re left with a short and basic platformer that’s been polished to a mirror shine. Personality matters A LOT, and they really went all-out with making the sprites feel alive. Despite what the Wikis say, there’s even power-ups that turn you into a robotic skeleton or what appears to be a Native American warrior.

The combat is chaotic and visually loud, but always satisfying, and the levels are well constructed. Including all the downtime between stages, it’ll only take you a little over a half hour to beat Bonk even if you die several times. If you play co-op, since you can attack and bounce off each other, it might take longer. I didn’t get to play it co-op as much as I would have liked, but fans of New Super Mario’s co-op should get a kick out of it. So, will we ever see Bonk Arcade get an official release? I wouldn’t bet on it, but then again, I have no idea what the rights situation is with this one. I assume a Bonk collection is coming soon, but either way, I wouldn’t be shocked if this is missing from it. Hell, as far as I can tell, nobody even knows the fate of Kaneko or its library. I do hope that coin-op Bonk can be plucked from obscurity some day, because as short and strange as it is, it’s actually a lot of fun. Maybe not quite the Bonk you’d hope for, but still Bonk and still fun nonetheless.
Verdict: YES!

Gremlins 2: The New Batch (Game Boy Review)

Gremlins 2: The New Batch
Platform: Game Boy
Released December 20, 1990
Developed by Sunsoft
NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED

I mean, it doesn’t look too bad, right? But actually Gremlins 2 is so bad that this became the first time since last May that I’m posting a review for a game I didn’t finish. Let’s coin a new phrase and say that Gremlins 2 on Gameboy is “Dynatron City levels of bad.”

It’s been almost two years since I gave a NO! to the semi-popular NES version of Gremlins 2. I know it has fans, but its awkward jumping and poor level design didn’t work for me. But, I’d rather be forced to play Gremlins 2 on the NES all day, every day for the rest of my life than be forced to spend another minute with the Game Boy version, also by Sunsoft. I don’t rage quit a lot of games these days. If a game becomes especially infuriating, I just use save states or even rewind to give me unlimited chances. For me to rage quit, I have to reach the point where I’m absolutely certain that the developers did not give the tiniest of squirts whether or not the game was fun, just as long as they were being trollish with game design just for the sake of it. With that said, Gremlins 2 is one of the worst Game Boy titles I’ve ever played, and it’s mostly owed to some of the most unintuitive use of springs I’ve encountered. The game is largely built around jumping off these, but the timing is pretty fickle. I never got the hang of it, and then came this part:

This is how the fourth and final level of the game begins, and without hyperbole, I spent twenty minutes rewinding and replaying trying to get past this. I never came even a little close. The springs don’t just send you flying up. You have to time when to press the button. That’s fine. Other games do that. Except the timing for Gremlins 2’s springs is so anal that it’s probably the shortest possible amount you can program on a Game Boy. Otherwise, you just fall off the spring. The challenge in the above screenshot is, within a literal fraction of a second, you have to activate the spring without falling off into the spike, move right, shimmy left, and land on the platform. You have to key this in perfectly to the microsecond, or you won’t make it. I fired up a full Longplay of it on Youtube and noticed even someone who apparently knew what they were doing could barely get past it. I tried and tried and tried, but then I glanced over at that video I cued up and noticed that, if I got past this literal start to the final stage, there were a lot more jumps like this ahead of me followed by a 100% blind jumping maze. F*ck you, Gremlins 2, I quit.

Gremlins 2 did exactly one thing that was kind of okay: these boxing glove blocks:

Which, logically, you have to design a convoluted situation with a basic enemy in order for them to work, but at least they’re satisfying to activate. I’m almost convinced they added these just to show their bosses that they had a vague notion of what “fun” resembles. They actually add nothing because there’s no way to improvise using them. The game just feeds you an enemy to kill whenever they pop up, and at most, you might have to scroll the screen a little to make it spawn, then retreat backwards and activate the glove. I think I just talked myself out of the boxing glove blocks being the one positive thing in the game. I really don’t think Gremlins 2 does anything right. I mean, I guess it looks fine, but when the game plays this poorly, what good is that?

For the bonus stages, you have ten seconds to hit that boxing bag 100 times to get a free life. With actual autofire on, I reached 100 literally as the timer ran out. Correct me if I’m wrong, but there was no way to do autofire on an original Game Boy, right? Jeez, Gremlins 2 is a game that never misses an opportunity to be cruel just for the sake of cruelty.

You know what? I don’t actually think the people behind this game were actually trying to make an enjoyable experience. Gremlins 2 is so bad and so disconnected from the films that it feels malicious. As if the game developers were Care Bear-like loveless villains plotting to make the children of the world suffer because they didn’t get enough hugs as kids themselves. Either that or the development team resented getting this assignment and resolved to make a terrible game out of spite. It’s not like everything else about Gremlins 2 was sublime. This is ALL bad. Your primary weapon is a pencil that you have to find at the start of every stage. It doesn’t carry over between levels. Logically a pencil would only be useful to stab enemies, but no, you bonk them on the head with it. You couldn’t swat a fly with a pencil, let alone kill a Gremlin with one, especially when its length barely extends beyond your own sprite. So, naturally most enemies take multiple shots to kill.

It goes like a single pixel further to the side than the last pixel of Gizmo’s ear. By the way, the bat gremlin drops three smaller bats that heat seek you, matching your movement perfectly. Sometimes, they will stop right above your head, but other times, it’s an outright unavoidable life slap.

Gremlins 2 is one of those games where you just have to accept damage again and again and hope that there’s a health drop or two in front of you. During a moving block sequence in the third stage, I tried over and over again to figure out how to ride the dang thing without being pushed off the platform by a spiky block and falling to my death, especially since it moves faster than I can jump and move. Apparently you need the tool box, but when *I* used the tool box, I lost it as soon as I took my first damage. Eventually I just decided to accept the loss of health and use the spikes as platforms. So, I didn’t finish Gremlins 2, which is fine because I’m pretty sure the developers didn’t either. This is the absolute worst Game Boy platformer I’ve reviewed so far. Granted, I haven’t done a lot, but I expected better from the studio that did the fairly decent Batman: The Video Game on Game Boy. I don’t even know why the people who made Gremlins 2 even wanted to be game designers if this is the type of garbage they wanted to produce. Hey jerkasses, you were making a game based on the film Gremlins, not Troll.
Verdict: NO!

Someone get Gizmo a stool softener.

Castlevania: Rondo of Blood aka Akumajou Dracula X: Chi no Rondo (Review)

Castlevania: Rondo of Blood
aka Akumajou Dracula X: Chi no Rondo
Platform: PC Engine Super CD-ROM²
Released October 29, 1993
Directed by Toru Hagihara
Developed by Konami
Included in Castlevania Requiem (PS4 Exclusive – $19.99)

I could just skip the review and note that I spent all night getting a 100% completion. I did a complete run with both Richter and Maria, then had to go back and figure out what I was missing, which took a while, but I never got bored the entire time.

It’s been nearly six months since I reviewed Castlevania: Dracula X for the Super Nintendo, which is sometimes called the SNES remake of Rondo of Blood. Friends, I assure you that it’s just not true. In terms of level design, Dracula X is much, much closer to a remake of the original Castlevania than it is to Rondo, no matter what Wikis tell you. Hell, I’d go so far as to say Dracula X is even closer to a remake of the original game than Castlevania Chronicles, a game that’s all but advertised as a remake of Castlevania 1. The “reimagining of Rondo of Blood” is largely based on Dracula X reusing many of the same sprites from that game. Here’s a few comparison shots, and remember that Rondo is always on the left and Dracula X on the right. Here’s the giant bat:

Here’s the headless guy:

In case you didn’t know, the TurboGrafx-16, despite the name, is an 8-bit console running a slightly modified version of the same CPU the NES and even Atari 2600 have. That’s oversimplifying it, of course, as the TG-16 has a few extra things that make it much more advanced than any other 8-bit console and allows a game like Bonk’s Adventure to be more colorful and have bigger sprites than its NES counterpart. Furthermore, the Super CD-ROM² add-on gives the PC Engine/TG16 additional resources to pull from. Specifically, it quadruples the frame buffer from 64kb to 256kb. BUT, this is still an 8-bit console, so I’m not sure if this is more of an impressive win for the 8-bit Rondo of Blood or an embarrassing loss for the genuinely 16-bit Dracula X, which really doesn’t look THAT much better, if it looks better at all. Here’s the werewolf, and honestly, I think the 8-bit platform wins in a landslide in terms of atmosphere. Certainly spookier than the faded/washed-out look of the SNES game.

The SNES has more detailed backgrounds, but the character and enemy sprites themselves are usually identical. Not universally so, as Dracula has an entirely different model, but common enough it’s a little startling. It’s not just looks, either. The attack patterns of bosses and basic enemies are often similar, if not identical. That’s not a bad thing, since the bosses (except Dracula himself) were the one aspect of Dracula X I was able to praise without qualifying it. Bosses in Rondo feel climatic, helped by having a “last hurrah” final attack after being defeated. But, some of them, especially the werewolf and Dracula himself, were big improvements over the SNES game. I’ve often said that certain games, good and bad, should be shown in game design courses. I’m not kidding when I say Rondo of Blood and Dracula X should be an entire course in game design on their own. These two games together prove beyond any doubt that the difference between a historically amazing game and a game so pedestrian that it’s boring can be more subtle than you might realize.

Seriously, this one off set-piece style enemy is a cinch to get past, but it certainly wakes you up.

In fact, all the best aspects of Dracula X are here and, if they’re not identical, they’re BETTER on Rondo. In addition to the bosses and enemies, the item crash debuted here and it’s fun. The key and locked doors are in both games but mechanically, Rondo does it better. So I can get why people would call Dracula X a “reworking” or “reimagining” or even a “remake” of Rondo, even if the 16-bit game is actually a huge downgrade. But, the most important thing is that Rondo is darker and scarier than Dracula X. Some might disagree with me, but I think that Castlevania, for all its silliness, should always be played sincerely and try for spooky, not corny. Here’s one final “same boss, different game” comparison shot. You tell me, which one feels more scary looking?

It’s much more accurate to call Dracula X an “asset flip” and a lazy one at that. Having now closely examined Rondo of Blood, I think I’d be inclined to be even more harsh on Dracula X than I already was. Dracula X now feels like little more than one of those mean-spirited Super Mario ROM hacks that ramp-up the difficulty with no vision beyond being a bastard for the sake of it. It feels obvious now that the team behind Dracula X played Rondo, copied the best parts, but fundamentally didn’t understand why those bits were the good stuff. That’s the classic ROM hack problem in general. The bad ones are ones by developers who aren’t deeply interested in the why of game design.

The opening stage, a tribute to Simon’s Quest, is the best thing to come out of that game. This is a memberberry done right.

If it seems like this review is more of a continuation of my Dracula X review, well, blame Rondo of Blood. It’s hard for me to do my job when a game doesn’t give me many flaws to work with. I really wish I had played Rondo first, because I think I would’ve had a better time laughing at how they completely screwed the pooch on making a worthy “Castlevania X” Nintendo release. It wouldn’t have made the game better, but it sure would have made the experience better. I was so bored playing Dracula X: a slow, uninspired game that’s obsessed with cheap shots, and certainly not worthy of reusing the sprites from Rondo of Blood, a game that lives up to its towering reputation. Hell, the only major knock I have on Rondo is the art direction of the cutscenes. Richter looks fine, but I just can’t take the threat of Dracula seriously when he looks like the world’s most douchey douchebag. Seriously, Count Chocula is more scary than this dweeb.

Look, I’m not trying to be shallow and/or superficial because that’s the type of thing that gets a person cancelled these days, but I have my limits. I can suspend my disbelief and buy that the Grim Reaper works for Dracula when logically it should be the other way around. Whatever, it’s Castlevania so sure, death incarnate lets Dracula call the shots. But what I cannot believe is that the Belmont family wouldn’t take one look at THAT guy and say “you’re adorable, Alucard, but I’m here to kill your pops. Wait, YOU’RE Dracula? No. No, you’re not scary! You look like the villain in a deodorant commercial!” I could believe a guy who looks like that is someone who would deliberately give you the wrong answers on a finals test so that he wins valedictorian. I could believe that’s a guy who would plant a bra in his best friend’s car in an attempt to break up his relationship and steal his girlfriend. I could believe that’s a guy who would start a whisper campaign about you not being a team player at work so he gets the big promotion instead of you. That is the face of someone who is clearly evil, but in a smug, underhanded, douchey kind of way and not in a “I will call on the forces of darkness to raise the dead and take over the world” type of way. Evil, but not EVIL-evil, you know?

Rondo of Blood just works better because it’s not designed around enemies trying to score one-shot kills, which Dracula X was heavily invested in. The level design is instead optimized for a faster-paced Castlevania romp. That’s surprising, because, like Dracula X, Rondo is still a back-to-basics Castlevania game for the most part. To put it in perspective, when you play as Richter, all the basic sub-weapons except the stopwatch and bible only cost one heart. This is a game that was made to be fun and not because the designer has some vendetta against humanity. Like the best Castlevanias, it’s fun to play just for sightseeing, with plenty of memorable settings and basic enemies, none of who are too spongy or too cruelly placed to make progress ever feel slow.

Ever wanted to whip one of the spiky ball chains? Now, you can, and it doesn’t just reverse direction. I was caught off guard when it behaved kind of realistically and was hard to get past. It’s that extra effort towards immersiveness in the level design and enemy design that makes me so frustrated with the cringey cutscenes.

Hell, I think this might even be one of the best games to introduce someone new to the Castlevania franchise. It’s not that hard a game, actually. The enemies are consistently fine-tuned to such a degree that it’s genuinely surprising when you encounter the rare spongy one. Even then, they’re usually staged in a way where they have an almost mini-boss feel. It’s actually remarkable how often Rondo takes what would normally be a flaw in a lesser game and turns it into a positive. If you’ve been intimidated by other classic-style Castlevania games solely because of their reputation for difficulty, give this one a try. In addition to some of the most balanced combat in the entire franchise, Rondo offers plenty of life refills and 1ups. If you die, while you lose your sub-weapon and your hearts are reset to 10, you’re not totally screwed, either. That’s because there’s no whip upgrades, yet every single enemy feels like it’s balanced properly to be slain by the default whip.

The only aspect that I feel isn’t well balanced is the bible sub-weapon. It has so much range and power that it’s essentially a low-cost item crash. If the cutscenes aren’t the worst problem with Rondo, the bible is because it’s too overpowered. Three hearts is just not a steep enough cost for an item this effective, and it even has a low cost (ten hearts) item crash.

While I can’t say with complete confidence that the bosses are also perfectly optimized for the whip, you will always have a chance to get at least one sub-weapon before entering a boss chamber. While you can still cheese the bosses if you have enough hearts to execute an item crash (and some cost quite a bit. One is a whopping FIFTY hearts!), it never feels like you’re cheesing it. What makes it even better is that Rondo’s defensive game is equally satisfying thanks to a variety of dodging moves. Enemies telegraph their attacks in a way where there’s always enough time to activate the backflip move. It takes practice to get the timing down, but it’s so satisfying when you successfully utilize it. I wouldn’t say this is a kinder, gentler Castlevania, but it offers the right amount of grit with almost none of dick moves Dracula X or any other Castlevania game ever has pulled. This might be the most balanced game in the franchise.

In my first playthrough, I lost three total lives from damage, two which were at the hands of the boss rush sequence that makes up the entirety of level six. It’s actually inspired, because the first four bosses are directly lifted from the original Castlevania. They don’t play the same, as Medusa has a body instead of being a gigantic head, there’s only one mummy instead of two, and The Creature doesn’t have Igor with him. I survived all of them, but I lost the final battle against the guy who resurrected Count Draculahaha. A guy named Shaft. I’m resisting the temptation to break out into song.

And this go around, the branching path system works a lot better than the half-assed effort made in Dracula X. Actually, the most damning observation of that game I have now that I’ve played through Rondo a few times is how half-assed the branching paths in the SNES “version” are. They seem to only be in Dracula X because Rondo leaned very heavily into the idea and they needed some token representation to say “see, this is totally an upgraded Rondo! It’s got an X in the title and a couple hidden paths and everything!” But whereas Dracula X’s paths feel arbitrary and out-of-nowhere, Rondo’s mostly have an elegant logic to them. Every start-to-finish game of Rondo (you open up a level-select option in the main menu after beating the first stage) will consist of playing eight levels, but each of the first five levels has secret pathways. The secret pathways aren’t that hard to find and usually contain an alternative boss which then leads to alternative levels, which, once again, have hidden paths, and so forth, and so forth. For example, in the first level, you go here:

And you get a different boss fight than if you just keep following the normal pathway and you’ll get a different second level. So, it’s not like Castlevania III where you choose a different path between levels. Now, to be clear: I prefer the way Castlevania III did it, and I’d really prefer the option of playing all the levels in a single run. If there had been a ROM hack that allowed this like the one I experienced when I reviewed Dracula’s Curse, I would have taken that option after finishing the real game. Of course, it wouldn’t work in this game without somehow rearranging the level layouts. The themes and enemies for roughly half of each of the first five levels and their alternative route counterparts change depending on which path you take. But, when the level design is THIS outstanding, I feel something is lost when you’re forced to replay it instead of them naturally unfolding. But, if a game is going to be designed with the branching paths in the levels themselves, this is probably as perfect as the concept gets.

Sometimes there’s more than two paths to take. There’s a LOT of secrets in this game, including a few one-off hidden rooms. I’m fine with that. Unlike Dracula X, Rondo feels like it’s fully based on exploration and secrets instead of just shoving a couple token ones into the game because the popular game it borrowed assets from had them.

The most noticeable secrets are that four maidens are hidden in the game, the first of which is Maria Renard, who is a playable character. The method of saving the maidens is much easier than in Dracula X, where one key had to be held for multiple doors. In Rondo, there’s three total keys, each of which is used once, in the level you found it in, and not too far from where you found it. With that said, I guess that would be the biggest strike against Rondo: you never know if a pit is actually a pit or the secret path. It happens more than once, too. There’s no way to spin that as a positive if the emulator you’re playing on doesn’t have quick save/quick load or rewinding because you have to just plug your nose and jump blindly while searching. So there, Rondo isn’t perfect. Unless you have a good emulator.

Apparently, not every “hidden path” actually goes somewhere. If there’s a point to this room, I never figured it out. I got a 100% completion so I guess the game just wanted to show where all these flea men riding cannonballs were coming from.

The replay value comes from a very enjoyable alternative character. Maria is unlocked in the second level, though you have to go back to the main menu to switch to her. She’s radically different from Richter, throwing doves at enemies instead of a whip. Richter gets a defensive backflip move, while Maria gets a double jump. She also can do a sliding move, but I never found any situation where it was more effective than jumping. Even a situation that seems tailored specifically for it didn’t work. The mummy in the boss rush stage throws blocks at you and, even though it appears high enough off the ground to slide under, the slide doesn’t work for it. Whatever. Her double jump works fine enough as a defensive move. Maria’s sub-weapons are all animal-based as well, including throwing a goddamned dragon at enemies, which is the most powerful sub-weapon in the game. But even throwing a cat at an enemy is both effective and hilarious, as the cat relentlessly attacks. It’s what my cat would do, even if it wasn’t fighting the forces of evil.

The item crash with the cat is some Power of Grayskull sh*t. Well, HONOR of Grayskull in its case. By the way, Maria apparently has a Street Fighter-like special move, but I was never able to execute it.

I know that a lot of the appeal in my reviews is talking about the flaws in a game, but the truth is Rondo is close to being without flaw. The unskippable cutscenes are easily the most annoying part, regardless of whether or not you know Japanese. In case it wasn’t clear from my tirade above, I really don’t like the art style. I don’t get the direction of it at all, really. It doesn’t match-up with the in-game graphics and really only breaks my immersion. But, fast forwarding through a handful of agonizing cutscenes to play a Castlevania that doesn’t really make any critical gameplay mistakes is a very small price to pay. I guess I was disappointed that the level that’s hidden until after you beat Dracula once doesn’t have a boss fight. Seems kind of lame for a Castlevania game, but even Dracula’s Curse does that too. Sigh. Rondo of Blood really is close to being criticism proof, especially with emulation trickery used to speed-up exploration. I can’t say enough good things about it. This was such a treat to finally sit down with.

OH HEY, there’s part of a bad level! Actually, the river rafting sequence doesn’t even qualify as bad. It’s just very bland, especially when compared to the rest of the game. It needed to be trimmed by at least half.

A lot of the time, famous Japanese exclusives that never got released globally during their original life cycle are really overrated. I’ve played several of them at IGC, from Super Back to the Future Part 2 to Magical Quest 3 to Wai Wai World. Rondo is the rare Japanese holy grail that actually deserves that status and it’s an absolute travesty that it took so long to go worldwide. It got a Wii Virtual console release fifteen years ago and a PSP release a little further back than that. It was also included on the already long out-of-print TurboGrafx-16 Mini, which kind of got hosed by a limited production run and incredibly poor timing as it was delayed due to the pandemic, which is a shame because it was arguably the killer app for it.

“Hey, haven’t you ever heard of guest rights? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT ONLY APPLIES TO THE HOST? No, it doesn’t! Wait. Yea, you’re right. I suppose it is right in the name. It ain’t called Host Rights, after all. I guess you’ve got me there. Well, next time I resurrect, I’m going to YOUR home to kill you. See how you like it when the shoe’s on the other foot, jerk! Oh, you won’t open your door for me? Hmmmph, rude! I always open my drawbridge for you! Where would you be if I didn’t do that? Kissing your family goodbye right before I enslave humanity, that’s where!”

Hell, Rondo would be the killer app for any collection. Konami could just as well slap a $4.99 price tag on it for Xbox and Switch owners and make a killing. So, why in the hell is the only available release a PlayStation exclusive? Now granted, Castlevania Requiem: Symphony of the Night & Rondo of Blood is a contender for best retro two-pack on the market today, but come on, Konami. The cutscenes aren’t THAT embarrassing. Okay, fine, they are, but that doesn’t explain why the hell you gave us Dracula X in Castlevania Advance Collection instead of this masterpiece. I thought THAT was evil, but then you put Haunted Castle in Dominus Collection instead of Rondo, and now I know true evil.
Verdict: YES!

THE INDIE GAMER CHICK CASTLEVANIA REVIEW SERIES
 Castlevania (NES) Dracula’s Curse (NES) Adventure (GB) Belmont’s Revenge (GB)
Super Castlevania IV (SNES) Dracula X (SNES) Rondo of Blood (SuperCD²)
Chronicles (PSX) Circle of the Moon (GBA)  Kid Dracula (NES) Kid Dracula (GB)
ROM Hacks (NES)
Konami Wai Wai World (NES) Wai Wai World 2: SOS!! Parsley Jō (NES)

“Yes, it vas I who put the sugar in your boyfriend’s gas tank, causing him to be late for school and getting him detention. Now you’re free to go to zee prom with me! Muhahaha! Truly I am the lord of evil! WAHAHAHAHA! Vas zat over the top? So vat do you say? Pick you up at 7:00? Does 7:00 mean 7:00 or are you one of those chicks where you say 7:00 but you’re still doing your hair and we leave at 8:00? I’m only asking because my hair gel starts to flake after a few hours.”

Astro Invader and Kamikaze (Arcade Reviews)

Astro Invader
aka Kamikaze
Platform: Arcade
Released in 1979/1980
Developed by Konami
Distributed by Stern (US)
NO MODERN RELEASE

I’d never heard of this game, but it’s featured in the music video for the song “You Got Lucky” by legendary singer Tom Petty in his first group, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. You can have a listen just as long as you SIGN HERE _____________X and INITIAL HERE___X to opt out of any health services for your ears. For everyone else, mute your computer before clicking this link right here. Hello, fellow citizens of Mute City. And it’s just you reading at this point, because everyone who had the volume on is on the floor with blood gushing from their ears after they used the nearest screwdriver to puncture their own eardrums. I tried to warn them but, hey, I already got their page view so f*ck ’em!

One of the first games developed by Konami and the first video game ever published by the legendary Stern, Astro Invader (US) aka Kamikaze (Japan) is also probably one of the first video games with transformative regional differences. I can’t stress enough how the US and Japanese games look the same and have the same concept but play completely differently. The base concept appears like it’s yet another Space Invaders-like shooting gallery, but the twist in the formula makes for a delightfully intense one-off unlike any of its fellow wannabes. You don’t actually get shot back at, as the enemies are just trying to um.. well, you know. I’ll ignore the implications of the title and assume this isn’t alien pilots trying to unalive themselves for the good of the cause. When these totally unmanned spacecraft crash, they explode, but you don’t die as long as you’re not in the blast radius. That brings us to major difference #1. In Kamikaze, the aliens create a great big blast radius that’s nearly as big as half the screen. In Astro Invader, the blast is less than half that. Big difference #2 is that the playfield is different. Kamikaze is on the left, Astro on the right.

Each of the slots fills one bomber at a time, in a left-to-right then right-to-left pattern until the row goes four-deep. At this point, the bombers begin to be released when a bomber enters a row. It’s certainly an interesting idea, as the enemies start off as sitting ducks that, if your aim is true, you can hold off for quite a while before the action starts getting faster than your movement. As you can see, Astro Invader has two fewer slots and red rectangles blocking the slot against the walls. This change has huge gameplay ramifications. In Kamikaze, the left and right most channels do not have a queue, so every “pass” sees bombers enter the playfield and become danger elements immediately. This doesn’t happen in Astro Invader, but it’s not necessarily easier even with the smaller blast radius for missed bombers. With two less slots, the remaining rows fill up much faster. UFOs also enter the playfield, but they’re not a bonus point thing. It’s a secondary danger element in Kamikaze and the primary danger element of Astro Invader, because if a UFO touches the ground anywhere, you lose a life. Now, this is the biggest change in my opinion: in Astro Invader, the UFOs can emerge from the center and from two red rectangles, but in Kamikaze, they only come down the center. So, in this screenshot:

I’m dead. There’s no chance I can get that UFO. It’s one of the most genuinely clever twists on the Space Invaders-like shooting gallery formula I’ve played because it’s not just about raw accuracy. Oh, that matters. Only one bullet can be live at a time. In Kamikaze especially, missing a shot when you’re under a live bomber is all but assured to be fatal. These are both games about screen management. It’s also a game that requires different strategies for each version. You can go all-in on defending one side much more easily in Kamikaze because it’s only the middle channel you have to defend from the UFOs. It feels like a much more pure shooter. Astro Invader’s three channels gives it an LCD-like spinning plate vibe that makes it one of the most intense games to ride Space Invaders’ coattails.

My biggest knock is easily the amount of down time that happens between rounds. Each wave is represented by a countdown on the mothership of how many bombers are left to enter the playfield. When it empties, there’s no pomp & circumstance. The mothership just slowly leaves the screen, then slowly returns, and it’s flow-killing. If this could be cut by 80%, I’d have almost no major complaints. These are fantastic games once you get the hang of them.

I didn’t like Kamikaze at all for the first fifteen – twenty minutes. Thought it was too repetitive and too low on the thrills. It only started to grow on me once I was able to compare and contrast with Astro Invader, which I got into much more quickly. Once I got a feel for the format and especially for the timing of how much time and distance I needed to be safe from bombers I couldn’t or wouldn’t shoot, I couldn’t put this down. You can think of Kamikaze as this concept’s “easy mode” but really, both games are solid and very addictive, with excellent scoring rules. I figured this review would take me an hour or two at most. Instead, I kept jumping between these two games for a whole day. It’s been a while since I discovered an older gallery shooter that did that to me. A couple years, actually. Kamikaze and Astro Invader are shameless bandwagoners, but they’re shameless bandwagoners that now join King & Balloon and Carnival among my favorite gallery shooters. It’s also one of the most underrated statement games from this era. At this point, Konami was still producing and distributing actual bootleg clones of popular games like Space Invaders and Head-On. Astro Invader was their way of saying “you know what? We’re better than being glorified pirates.” Yep. A LOT better, it turns out.
Verdict: YES! and YES!

And I wouldn’t have played these if not for Dave pushing for them. He finds me all the good stuff.