Krull (Arcade Review)

August 6, 2023 by 4 Comments

Gottlieb, much more famous for their pinball tables, really only had one “hit” video game during the Golden Age of Arcades. That certainly wasn’t Krull, a movie license they only “scored” because Columbia Pictures owned them at the time, and they happened to be the distributors of the film. They also did a pinball machine, but only ten units were made of it before it failed to attract any attention in route testing and was cancelled. It turns out, a movie license is only valuable if people actually go and see the movie. Who knew? Krull, Columbia’s “why not us?” Star Wars wannabe that weirdly combined Lord of the Rings with King Arthur in a space setting, cost as much as $30,000,000 to make (nearly $100M in today’s money). I’ve seen the film a couple times and I always stare at the screen in complete shock, wondering where it all went. It just looks like a silly b-movie. An especially cheap one, even for the time period. The end result: Krull barely earned half its budget back and was a legendary box office bomb. Well, yea. Even my father, who loves EVERY movie, calls Krull an, exact quote, “epic mess that runs hot and cold.” I think that might actually be the meanest thing he’s ever said in his life. Critics hated it too. When the buzz on a movie is that it’s boring, frankly, it doesn’t bode well for a game’s success, regardless of how good the game is.

As for Gottlieb’s one hit game? Well.. it did pretty okay.

And actually, Krull isn’t a bad little arcade game. I wouldn’t say it’s AWESOME by any stretch, but I expected to play it for an hour or two and instead put in over six hours. I guess it can’t suck too bad. It’s a multi-screened twin-stick adventure where you have to guide Frodo Skywalker.. excuse me, “Colwyn”.. through five different screens based on various scenes in the movie. One of those screens IS NOT the battle with Shelob.. excuse me, the “Crystal Spider“.. even though this scene is in the Atari 2600 version of the game. Golly, I can’t imagine why the arcade game did bad. The most memorable scene in the entire film AND ONE THAT LENDS ITSELF SPECIFICALLY WELL TO VIDEO GAME ADAPTION and they didn’t bother using it. I actually wondered if Atari had some kind of legal dibs on it. In reality, Atari bought the film rights with plans to port the arcade game to the Atari 5200. Instead, after both the film and arcade game bombed, they just made their own game, and instead of the 5200, they put it on the 2600. Weird.

To Krull’s credit, the challenge looks overwhelming, but actually, it’s not that bad. Great collision detection helps. Also I hate it when the screens are oriented differently. It makes the layout of my review harder to do.

The first level is the only one that doesn’t involve shooting. In it, you run up a mountain while avoiding boulders. The object is to collect the five randomly-placed pieces of the Glaive. That’s the galactic boomerang everybody thinks of when they think of Krull. After you collect all five pieces, the actual action part of this action game begins and Krull essentially turns into Robotron, only with a galactic boomerang instead of a gun. Like Robotron, the next two levels are based around trying to rescue people while taking out swarms of enemies with some twin-stick shooting. The “soldiers” you rescue have apparently lost their will to live and will charge with suicidal determination into the enemy hordes. Despite being specifically called “soldiers” they don’t actually fight or anything. It’s as they gained Wreck It Ralph-like sentience and said “wait.. I’m in the goddamned KRULL game? Screw it. I want to die. I choose death.”

You think I’m exaggerating? Oh no. They are programmed SPECIFICALLY to run away from you.

In the first action stage, the level ends when all the humans are either collected or killed by the enemies AND THEN you exterminate all the enemies. In the third stage (and second action stage), you have to once again rescue all the soldiers and the stage ends when you get them. The twist is, this time, when you pick them up, a little hexagon appears that you have to deliver them to. Or, you can just wait for it to come to you, because it will. Assuming it doesn’t get hung-up on the scenery. It happens. In fairness to the hexagon, it’ll happen to you, the player, as well. Yea, this is easily the most sloppy and haphazardly handled of the stages. Mind you, I had instances where I beat the fourth stage in about two seconds, so that’s saying something.

It looks almost Zelda-like, doesn’t it? Since this came out a couple years before Zelda, I wouldn’t be shocked if this had fans in Kyoto. Oh and that cluster of little rocks in the center of the stage is the bane of my existence. I kept getting stuck on them. The controls were spot on EXCEPT on this stage.

In the fourth stage, you have to rescue the soldiers from a giant hexagon prison. At this point, I’m not even sure what I need their help for. Instead of charging forward towards the big bad guy, I now had to mount three rescues of these guys, apparently so they can wave to the screen after I save the princess. A princess I would have saved hours ago if not for all the many, many times I had to save their sorry asses getting there. In a way, I get it. If you go to all this trouble to rescue a princess, you’ll want witnesses. You know, for the bar stories that’ll no doubt follow. Anyway, in this stage, you have to wait for the wall to turn black and throw one of your Glaives at it. The walls have no hit-points, so if it’s black, the section vanishes instantly. If it’s any color but black, the galactic boomerang will get stuck in the wall for a few seconds. Don’t worry though. You can throw four of them at once. I don’t think that’s from the movie. If luck is on your side, you could win the fourth screen before a single enemy spawns. Even when the game ramped-up the difficulty as I got good enough to make it four or five cycles in, this is the only screen I never felt like I came close to dying on. In fact, I think I lost one life the whole time and that was when I walked into the wall.

I did like how the color was seemingly chosen at random each time I played this. Nice touch.

The final level is the ultimate encounter with “The Beast.” Now, in the movie, despite the effects and backgrounds looking really cheap, The Beast at least looks scary. Well, sometimes, at least. Sometimes it looks like an adorable, inquisitive baby King Kong wearing a Phantom of the Opera mask. I bring this up, because this is what it looks like in the game.

Fail, and also, the area you fight it in looks nothing like the area the final encounter in the movie takes place in. It makes me wish they’d done one of those tricks of the 8-bit era where you paint a giant background and then use clever animation to make it look like you’re really fighting a humongous boss. Like in Contra, or if you want a more recent example, the NES indie Garbage Pail Kids. The Beast throws fireballs at you, and while you can deflect the fireballs for points with the Glaive(s), the object is really to run to the end of the stage and reach the princess. Again, to the game’s credit, it more or less followed the plot of the movie. And now, I’d really love to know why there’s no giant glass spider battle in this game. Because, actually, Gottlieb did a pretty dang good job adapting Krull to the format. The Glaive is a fun weapon to use and the combat is nice and satisfying. Sure, two of the five levels aren’t very fun, BUT, three of the five work pretty dang well, and I really didn’t expect that, nor did I expect Krull to hold up. It does. Barely, but hey, most of the games I play are BARELY noteworthy. It still beats being unremarkable, right?

After this, the levels recycle at high difficulties, only without the explanation screens. Oh, and worth noting: the same technology that made Q*Bert swear is used to much better effect here. Krull’s digital screams and moans are almost chilling. I do wish the color scheme was better.

It’s not like those who never played the Krull game missed out on a masterpiece or anything like that. It’s certainly not that amazing. I’m more surprised that it rose to the level of being decent, if not outright pretty good. Sure, it’s annoying that the soldiers just run right to their deaths. I had some levels where a perfect score was out of reach within just a second or two because one of “my guys” charged right into enemy fire. Given how many times they got kidnapped, I assume it was out of spite for me being the chosen one. Otherwise, the most annoying thing in the whole game was getting hung-up on the level geometry on the third wave. What’s remarkable is the game doesn’t feel the way I expected it to feel. Generic. Bland. Soulless. Krull avoids all that, and that’s quite the accomplishment for a licensed game mandated by corporate synergy. Such projects rarely produce satisfactory results, and in this title’s case, a money-losing movie begat a money-losing game. Yet, Krull is much better as a game than it ever was as a movie. And, we’ll never see it get a proper release and celebration for what it accomplished. Ever. It turns forty years old this month, and it’s gone. Forever. It’s a crying shame. Oh sure, you can emulate on MAME, like I did. But, I kind of think there’s real value in Krull as both a gaming experience and a lesson to indie developers looking to make the leap to the next level. Sometimes success, or lack thereof, is completely out of your hands.

Krull is Chick-Approved

Krull was developed by Gottlieb

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Violent Storm (1993 Arcade Review)

August 4, 2023 by 5 Comments

I don’t want Indie Gamer Chick to end up as a mostly-brawling-review site, but I’ll be damned if it hasn’t become the dominant genre here. There’s a logical reason for this: whenever I play one brawler, I’ll get several recommendations for other brawlers from various people. It’s like Gremlins, only you don’t need water to multiply it. And brawlers, despite the sameness of them, lend themselves well to my review style. They go quick and it’s easy to figure out where they go right or wrong. Plus, a lot of them have fallen off the face of the Earth, and I’m big on the whole “rescue a game from obscurity” thing. So, here’s a fighter that turns 30 this month and hasn’t gotten a home release.. ever.

If I had been asked who developed this, I’d of guessed Capcom. Instead, this is a Konami game, and it feels like it’s a game with contempt for Final Fight. As in a direct clapback at Final Fight. It has a “shots fired” vibe to it.

Today’s review of a classic “lost” fisticuffs simulator isn’t even a licensed game. Violent Storm is one of Konami’s last tradition beat-em-ups and seems to be heavily inspired by the anime Fist of the North Star. And by “inspired” I mean “holy crap this IS just Fist of the North Star with the serial number filed off.” Both take place in a post-nuclear war apocalyptic wasteland that’s represented by everybody looking like a cross between a patrons of a meth lab and extras from Deliverance. It’s also a direct satire of Final Fight, and by that, I mean it is nearly beat-for-beat Final Fight. It even mimics the same set pieces.

In fact, it’s kind of shameless about it. One of the early bosses is fighting a wrestler in a ring, only there’s a cage around it this time. Other set-pieces are close, and even last level looks a LOT like the last level from Final Fight, only if a riot had taken place inside it before the characters show up. It’s a very direct satire of Capcom’s beat-em-ups. Only, it has a LOT more personality than Final Fight. Then again, chicken pox have more personality than Final Fight.

I’m not the biggest fan of Final Fight. I should be, logically. For a brawler, I cherish the violence feeling like it has real world weight and momentum to it. Final Fight nails that. Yet, I just find the whole thing boring to the point of exhaustion. I’m now 100% convinced this must have been a result of the lack of personality in Final Fight. Violent Storm has the same two-button combat, but here, it feels so much more fluid and fast-paced. Final Fight has a sloginess to it that isn’t present here. Violent Storm cuts a blistering pace, especially if you play co-op. It also loads the scenery down with sight gags and LOL moments. If you see a guy sleeping on a park bench, you can beat him up. See a guy standing on the edge of a dock? You can knock him in the water. A guy sitting on the edge of a door to a train? Throw his ass out. It’s all really comical and over-the-top, but it also made these generic levels a blast.

As a co-op experience, it took Angela and me 25 minutes to finish Violent Storm, and that 25 minutes INCLUDES the time it took for us to figure out how to get the dogs to stop fighting. You see, in the middle of us playing Violent Storm, Laika, my seizure response dog, and Fireball, Angela’s bestie and constant companion, hopped up onto the couch and started fighting. On us. “Look, I don’t like doing this anymore than you do, Fireball, but apparently, this is what the upright walkers are into.” “Agreed. We’ve been going at this all wrong. We’ve been sitting down and rolling over to get treats, when really, it appears they just really like violence.” “Well, old friend, whatever it takes for them to give us a treat. Where shall this fight take place?” “Let’s just get onto the couch with them and have a scuff-up. Why not? It’s not like it’ll completely interrupt what they’re doing.”

Now, in fairness, not all is well with Violent Storm. Some of the enemies have a tendency to linger outside the screen, and luring them to the center is annoying. It’s nowhere near as constant as Ninja Turtles on the Genesis, but when it happens in Violent Storm, it’s even more annoying because it completely halts the otherwise non-stop action. There’s also only three characters, much like Final Fight. While each of the characters feels unique compared to each-other, really? Three? That’s it? You couldn’t have programmed just one more? When we finished our co-op round, the non-gamer Angela, who just beat Alien vs. Predator with me a couple days ago, said “this feels low budget, even for the era.” She’s right. Violent Storm feels like a game thrown together REALLY quick to fill a release schedule out, where people gathered around work stations, cackling and saying “yea, put THAT in, too!”

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To the Violent Storm’s credit, each of the three fighters is fun to play and MOST of the enemies are fun to do battle with. Only the last boss, who spits puddles of acid that linger on the playfield, crossed the line into frustration. Your typical arcade “final quarter shakedown” last boss. The combat is also a little more thoughtful than Final Fight. For example: an enemy knocked down might start to kick at you if you get too close as they get up. To balance this out, you can also attack enemies while they’re down (this was the toughest move to pull off consistently). It makes it feel a little more authentically fight-like, you know? If someone kidnapped a person’s girlfriend and then sent hundreds of minions to stop them from getting her back, I can’t imagine the heroes would be so heroic that they wouldn’t cave someone’s head in with a stomp after taking them down to the ground. Heavier enemies are also harder to throw. They trigger button-mashing moments and will splatter you on the pavement for extra damage if you don’t do it right. While Violent Storm is always satirical, there’s also this underlying authenticity that makes it delightful. Meanwhile, the game is loaded with tons of visual gags and comical items to pick up. The first boss wears a pillow case over their head, and when you knock it off them, you can pick up the pillow case for points. Come on, that’s hilarious!

AAAAHHHHHH WHAT A RUSH!!

I’d probably feel different about Violent Storm if it wasn’t such a quick game. While the constant comedic bits in the background were delightful, there’s nothing in the actual gameplay that breaks up the monotony except the very rare environmental hazard. One level has smelting molds that will burn both you and enemies badly if you touch the molten steel. Another area has a hydraulic press that instakills enemies by flattening them into comical pancakes, a visual that looks like it was meant for a more shell-oriented game if you catch my drift. But, otherwise, what you see is what you get. At the same time, this really did stretch the combat potential of two-button beat-em-up design to the absolute limits, and gives you just enough moves with just enough gameplay to not get boring. Honestly, if I were to introduce a newcomer to this genre, I might pick this as the entry point game. It’s a cinch to learn all the moves and it’s a damn good time while it lasts. It’s the perfect arcade punch-em-up. Yea. No joke. Really. Good job.

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If Konami ever gets off their asses and puts out Violent Storm as part of an arcade compilation, it’s certainly good enough to be more than just a simple +1 to a collection. Hell, it could conceivably be a highlight to such a set. I still think AvP is the superior arcade brawler, but Violent Storm was good enough for me to have to think about it. Quite a lot, actually. I beat this three times in a row this morning. Twice solo, once co-op. And I never got bored! Three sessions in a row! What? That never happens with me. I figured, going off the name, this was going to be some kind of brutally violent take on the brawler, but actually, there’s no gore and the whole thing is so cartoonish that it can’t be taken seriously. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Violent Storm shouldn’t have gotten snubbed for a home release for three full decades now. How do we live in a world where Nintendo has re-released their 1983 Baseball on every platform since the Gamecube, but a game like Violent Storm can’t even get a slot on a classic collection even thirty years later? It doesn’t even have a license holding it back. A hurdle that didn’t stop them from re-releasing Ninja Turtles, come to think of it. Come on, Konami! Do you just not want our money?

Violent Storm is Chick-Approved.

Violent Storm was developed by Konami

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Arcade Archives: King & Balloon (Review)

August 3, 2023 by 1 Comment

Back in January, I reviewed King & Balloon, which is my personal favorite Namco shooter. Sorry Galaga and Galaxian fans. Not only was King & Balloon one of the best games to emerge in the wake of Space Invaders, but it was one of THE most underrated games of the Golden Age of Arcades. Well, a couple weeks ago, Hamster gave it a solo release as part of their Arcade Archives franchise. Everything I said about the game in my original review still applies, but Arcade Archives offers a few extra features for the $7.99 price tag. It also allows players to enjoy the game on their Nintendo Switch. Which might be the best feature of all, but I’ll get to that. First, go click that link and read my original review. Especially since I’m going to ignore the gameplay mechanics here and talk about the package.

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Like EVERY Arcade Archives release, there’s two competitive modes: “hi-score” and “caravan.” Caravan runs on a five minute timer that starts as soon as the enemies spawn for the first time. Hi-score just goes on until you die. Both have strict rules that forbid pausing the game. If you do, game over. You don’t get to upload your score, even if you were kicking ass and taking names. I’ve never understood the ordering there. Shouldn’t you take their names down BEFORE you kick their ass? Personally, I’d be a lot less inclined to give a person who just kicked me in the ass my name. I’d want THEIR name. You know.. for the lawsuit for damaging my beautiful, bony ass. Anyway, pause and you have to start over. There’s no gameplay options for these two modes (however, autofire and any adjustments to the screen you make in the standard mode will be applied here) but there’s also no cheating. You can’t say that about the standard mode. See my review of Arcade Archives: Pinball for more details on that, but needless to say, they don’t make note if you used save states or not in the high scores.

Mind you, everything I love about King & Balloon is still here, and the five minute timer in Caravan further adds to the deceptively complex strategy. You’re best served to avoid this type of swarming attack and allow the balloons to Megazord–together. They score A LOT MORE points when they do.

You also get the option to run the game at the “original speed” but I really couldn’t notice a difference. The real reason to buy King & Balloon as part of the Arcade Archives series is if you own a Nintendo Switch and want an authentic Golden Age of Arcades release that works perfect as a portable game. King & Balloon is wonderful for short play sessions. It provides the type of thrilling, white-knuckle gallery shooting that would be jammed-up today with loud visuals and too much downtime, and it’s challenging enough that you’d be lucky to last ten minutes. That makes it ideal for handheld devices, as far as forty-three year old coin-ops go. It’s still beyond ridiculous that only three Namco Museums have ever included it, one of which never came out in America and one of which was the weird à la carte Namco Museum on Xbox back in the day. But, King & Balloon finally has a chance now to be appreciated as its own thing. Sure, I wish the game had more sophisticated scoring. Perhaps one that rewards players for consecutive made shots. But, I still adore this charming little gallery shooter. It’s one gaming tragedy that now has a legit shot a happy ending.

Arcade Archives: King & Balloon is Chick-Approved

King & Balloon was developed by Namco
Published by Hamster
Point of Sale: Nintendo Switch, PlayStation Store

$7.99 was full of hot air in the making of this review.

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Alien vs. Predator (1994 Arcade Review)

August 2, 2023 by 4 Comments

Continuing my run of arcade games that haven’t seen the light of day in decades, only this time it’s not 100% accurate. Because, technically, Alien vs. Predator has been re-released as part of the ugliest plug-and-play arcade device I’ve ever seen. One of the most “Huh?” and “Wha?” releases I’ve ever seen, and that’s before you even see what the plug and play looks like. Because, seriously, it looks like this..

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Yes, that’s real. BUT, it does have a hell of a lineup. Sixteen heavy-hitters are there, including some of my favorites. Puzzle Fighter? There. 1944: Loop Master? There. Even stuff I hate like Strider or Ghosts ‘n Goblins are there. Most importantly: this is the only OFFICIAL home release of Alien vs. Predator.. as in the actual 1994 Capcom arcade brawler, to ever happen. Yea, it’s true. Weird. Random. I believe it only came out in the UK, so check Amazon or a local retailer near you to see if they have it in stock (they likely don’t). I think it looks dumb, but I’ve heard it’s a very good build quality. Meanwhile, us yanks have been S.O.L. when it comes to re-releases of Alien vs. Predator. BUT, I’m very optimistic we’ll see a re-release soon. PROBABLY as an Arcade1Up, but, I’m guessing a solo release too. Either way, I’m getting ahead of the curve. Because Alien vs. Predator is probably the best brawler Capcom ever put out. It’s f’n Capcom, so that’s saying something.

Two of the playable characters are Predators and both are fun to use. One is a human male who is slow and clunky but packs a punch. Then there’s the chick, and she turned out to be pretty dang good. Honestly, I know people expect to play an Alien vs. Predator game for the Predators, but actually, the humans are fun to use as well.

Believe in the hype on this one. Probably the weakest aspect is that the seven levels couldn’t be more generic if they were actively trying. But, the combat, variety of enemies, and the difference between the four main characters couldn’t be more startling.. or awesome. This is especially helped by having some of the best OOMPH of any brawler, ever. OOMPH is my pet term for violence in video games having authentic weight and inertia to it. When you hit something in AvP, it just SEEMS like you’re causing to pain to whatever you just smacked. Capcom were the masters of this and had this down to a science by this point of their existence, so that shouldn’t be a surprise. What really impressed me was that even the bullets and weapons had this correct. That’s something that is often lacking from your Final Fights or Knights of the Round or even later with your Armored Warriors. Cadillacs and Dinosaurs came close, but AvP is the most Oomphful brawler I’ve played, and that makes it a joy to play.

FYI, this time around, I did play AvP co-op. Just not on the typical platform I use for this feature. When I tried, it refused to recognize two different controllers. We actually have a dedicated MAME cabinet, but it’s not hooked-up online and it’s not convenient to transfer screen-caps from platform to platform. Rest assured, my father and I had an absolute blast. Old man Oscar isn’t the biggest brawler fan, but the full experienced only took about 45 minutes to finish and it just never gets a chance to get old.

My father didn’t even mind the set pieces. Oh I did. Actually, let me rephrase that: there were NO set pieces. If you’re going to give us seven levels of AvP, come on, go nuts. Be wacky. Get weird. Mix in some different gameplay to break-up the fisticuffs. While this brawler has a lot more personality than most games in the genre, it also doesn’t experiment or do anything at all to change-up the core gameplay. There’s an elevator level, because of course there is. I’m convinced at this point that if you wanted to make a side-scrolling beat-em-up in the 90s, you had to include an elevator level, or else you had to pay a fine or something. Or maybe you had to eat turkey you found in a garbage can. That’d be a fitting punishment. “What’s for dinner?” “GARBAGE TURKEY!” “Do I have to?” “We warned you to include an elevator.” “You did, but.. everybody has an elevator.” “AND EVERYBODY GOT TO AVOID EATING GARBAGE TURKEY…….. until you.” Then came the tears and begging. This happened.

The Alien Queen also shows up twice and doubles as the last boss, though it attacks differently the second time around. Eh, okay, fine, the bosses are a let-down too.

My father asked me if anyone actually pays attention to the backgrounds during these games. Well.. yea, Daddio. That’s what makes them feel real. If it was the same background over and over again, I’d think we’d notice. Say what you will about The Simpsons arcade game, but I’ll never forget that Moe’s Tavern is basically the size of an airport runway. Turtles in Time’s Neon Night Riders is one of THE most memorable aspects of the game. It’s not just a Hanna-Barbera-like wallpaper that repeats the same three backgrounds. These games work best when there’s a memorable setting. It’s part of what allows our suspension of disbelief that we’re not just manipulating a series of 1s and 0s shaped vaguely like characters from movies and comic books. It does matter, and Capcom was really bad at creating memorable set-pieces. Sorry, fans, but it’s true. Don’t get me wrong: I’m happy they focused on gameplay, but I think if Alien vs. Predator isn’t considered one of the all-time greats of arcades, it’s because it’s really generic outside of the character designs.

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I suppose I do have to call out the bosses as well. They weren’t crappy, per se. But, yea, they also lacked personality. I mean, the Xenomorphs aren’t exactly generic movie monsters, are they? Yet, they’re sort of reduced to that in Alien vs. Predator. Perhaps too much of a good thing. You do fight a rogue Predator at one point, but it’s probably the most dull battle in the game. You also slay plenty of humans and also fight a giant mech twice, and both times my father wondered out-loud if it inspired the mech suit from Avatar (it IS really close!). I don’t know what could have broken up this. Maybe the Xenomorphs should have been used more sparingly. Maybe it was the opposite problem as Cadillacs and Dinosaurs, which had not enough dinosaurs. Maybe this had too many Aliens, and it took the starch out of them when they were used as bosses. I don’t know what the answer is, but I do know that I don’t think this could have lasted even one more level before it started to wear out its welcome. Seven levels was the perfect length. Just spot-on perfect. I played this twice today. Once alone. Once with my father. I never got bored, but I think I was right on the cusp of it both times before the ending. Good call, Capcom. You absolutely nailed the length. You’re rarely perfect, but when you are, golly, you pick the right things to be perfect about.

Actually, THERE IS a section that breaks up the monotony: the convoy level. Do you know what the problem is? It happens too soon in the game. This should have happened around level five. Instead, it’s the third level, and it doesn’t have a memorable finale to it. It just.. ends. Oh, and your gun is always fully-charged and doesn’t “overheat” on this stage. I mean.. it’s nice but it ain’t all that.

If it seems like I’m being hard on Alien vs. Predator, it’s only because I really enjoyed it a lot. At the same time, it’s hardly perfect. There’s lessons to be learned in the flaws the truly great games make, and I’d say AvP crosses that threshold. It’s just under an hour of semi-mindless punchy perfection. The three-button gameplay is really nicely done. There’s punching, jumping, and there’s also a permanent projectile weapon. You can’t just spam the projectile. It overheats if you overdo it. My Dad couldn’t grasp this concept, whereas I spent most of my second game trying to pace it out. There’s also a massive variety of weapons that enemies drop, and in massive quantities too. I can’t remember a game that drops THIS many weapons. Credit where it’s due to designers Tetsuya Iijima, Toshihiko Uda, and Jun Matsumura: they figured out the “fun stuff” of previous brawlers and put a high premium on them. Picking up weapons the enemies drop and using them on other enemies? That’s fun. Well, hell.. let’s just go bonkers with that! WHY NOT? It doesn’t effect the difficulty at all. The game still presents a fair and frisky challenge for those seeking it. But, it also assures nobody can get bored. And you don’t. This is really spectacular.

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So, let it be said: sometimes a legend gets that status for a reason. Even when it was just me playing alone, Alien vs. Predator sealed its status as probably the best forty-five minutes of digital punching and kicking you can find. Well, if you can find it. Yea, you can emulate it, but a lot of people aren’t down with that. As much fun as I’ve had in 2023 finding these games that haven’t been re-released in forever, there’s something heartbreaking about it. An urgency that indie games don’t have. Because, there’s a strong chance that most licensed games couldn’t be re-released even if the studio wanted to.

We NEED to reform licensing in video games. Right now, it’s done the same way you’d license a toy to a toy manufacturer to do an action figure. You’re basically agreeing that, for a window of time, you have the right to make game, and when that window shuts, you don’t have that right anymore. Even though games take bigger teams and cost more money to develop than an action figure does, they’re more or less agreeing to the same basic terms and conditions. We need to change this. There should be a public outcry to change it. A game studio who makes a licensed game should ask for.. maybe even demand.. the right to re-release that specific game the license was written for.. FOREVER, without approval or renegotiating, with an agreement that the royalty will always be paid at the same rate. Companies don’t want to do this and will cite that a studio could re-release old games that eat into the profits of new games.

Imagine going to all the cost and effort of making a Three Stooges game and not being able to just re-release it without having to be at the mercy of the licensor. A licensor who has.. (checks notes) ah yes, ALL THE LEVERAGE! The basic language of a game license is almost unchanged since the days of Atari. Well, let’s reform that. The thing is, it only takes one studio to create a new standard. Just one. It’s not asking for the world. It’s not asking for an unlimited license FOREVER. It’s asking that, on specific projects, for the right to monetize and re-release THAT project on all future platforms. Does that sound totally unreasonable? Of course not. It sounds pretty similar to the types of deals a licensor would make for a motion picture. It only takes one studio to have the balls to step up and say “we’re spending millions making this game. Why are we taking all this massive risk on with only a small window.. maybe a couple years, maybe a full generation, but maybe not even that?” In fact, I dare say this will make licensed games more valuable and maybe even get the bidding up, especially if studios can re-release the project on all future generations. So, who’s going to step up? Because it’s time. YOU’RE NOT MAKING ACTION FIGURES! Stop making licensing deals like you are, because then we all suffer for it.

Well, we now have actual verifiable proof that’s bullcrap. In 2022, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles got both a classic collection AND a brand new release, within just a few months of each-other. FROM TWO DIFFERENT STUDIOS, NONETHELESS! Think about how unlikely that specific sequence of events is in gaming. Well, I’ve seen no evidence the audience for one cannibalized the audience for the other. They both did really well, and why wouldn’t they? It’s illogical to think one hurts the other. Fan bases don’t work that way. If anything, people are more likely to re-buy old games on new platforms just for the convenience, and the hype for the re-release of an old game will complement and even combine, Voltron-style, with the hype for a new game. Someone has to be the first to do this. I know that my audience is made up mostly of game developers, including many AAA execs. So, to you, my suited friend reading this, let me ask you something: someone is going to be the first to do this. Why not have it be you? If I devoted this site to nothing but lost licensed games, I will NEVER run out of material. This has to end. Now.

Alien vs. Predator is Chick-Approved


Alien vs. Predator was developed by Capcom

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Bucky O’Hare (Arcade Review)

August 2, 2023 by 3 Comments

Bucky O’Hare was slightly before my time, though I did have a few VHS tapes of it as a child. It wasn’t my favorite, and besides the slappin’ theme song, I honestly don’t remember anything about it. It must have had a following, since when I played the NES game a few years ago, people said “oh yea, Bucky O’Hare! I remember that!” Konami had rotten luck betting on other cartoons that could have been as successful as Ninja Turtles or Simpsons. I already looked at Moo Mesa, but Bucky O’Hare was even less successful. It ultimately only had one season of thirteen episodes. Ouch. I have no idea how successful Moo Mesa or Bucky O’Hare were as arcade games. I just know that neither seems likely to ever see the light of day again. Or, maybe not. I mean, how much can it cost to license these failed properties. Because that’s what they are, right? Cynical, soulless attempts to ride another scorching-hot property’s coattails.

It LOOKS like it’s going to be fun. Oh, it’s not. It’s really, really not.

Bucky O’Hare: the NES game is a poor man’s Mega Man and very overrated itself. Bucky O’Hare the coin-op keeps the pew-pewing, but instead, it’s structured like a brawler (and probably used the same engine as Simpsons or Turtles in Time) except fisticuffs are replaced by shooting. It’s a run and gun game, but not like popular run & gunners such as Contra. No, the levels and pacing are still engineered exactly like TMNT or even Capcom’s brawlers. Waves of cannon-fodder enemies walk in and, instead of drilling them with your fists, you shoot them with your laser guns. And it’s boring. So incredibly mind-numbingly boring that I ain’t surprised they didn’t bother bringing this home.

Bucky isn’t very generous with health or hit points, but, the quick deaths allow you to bank the powerful bombs faster. When you lose a life, you get two more bombs every time, regardless of whether you used the bombs previously.

The issue is there’s no OOMPH at all to the combat. Neither the death animations or the sound design are built around making the laser escapades a fun and satisfying experience. At least in a brawler, you have the satisfaction of imagining yourself shattering the bones of the poor SOB you’re blasting the face of with an uppercut. You don’t have anything resembling that here. In fact, when you DO physically swing your arms at someone (if they’re in close range) it still underwhelms. All that’s left is to shooting with the four characters (and if there’s a difference between the four, I really couldn’t tell) and the guns just feel really weak and pathetic, even when you upgrade them.

Bosses are ultra-generic. If these come from the TV show, well, suddenly it makes a lot of sense why this never found an audience. On the plus side, they’re significantly less a chore to fight than I figured they would be.

Oddly enough, baddies aren’t as spongy as you would think. The one thing I can give Bucky credit for is the game skips along at a surprisingly blistering speed. Enemies might take as little as one shot to finish, and bosses don’t just suck up bullets either. I wasn’t expecting that. There’s also a much wider variety of moves than I figured. Like a brawler, you can jump and do jump kicks.. sometimes. I couldn’t consistently pull this off. But, I could do the “special attack” every single time with minimal issue. It’s done just like TMNT and other brawlers where you hit the jump and attack buttons at the same time. There’s no penalty for it and you can spam it as much as you want. Maybe that wasn’t so wise, as I kept doing this over and over. Bucky does very little to encourage you to play with finesse.

Don’t let the big, flashy set-pieces fool you: this is a complete chore to get through.

I was kind of peeved by Bucky O’Hare. It’s competent but so bland and vanilla that it feels like a game nobody wanted to make. And, no, I didn’t play it co-op. Co-op is NOT a cure-all for uninspired gameplay. Saying that co-op improves an experience like Bucky O’Hare is like saying turning a couch into to downhill street racer and then crashing it in spectacular fashion is better if you do it with friends or family. Of course it, because everything is better with friends. Yet, I bet if you tried telling these chucklef*cks they had a better time because at least they mangled their bodies with their friends, they might object to your definition of a “better time.”

Then, my annoyance with Bucky O’Hare, a complete nothing of a game, really went into overdrive. After five levels of pure nothingness, something happened. You hop into a spaceship and the game begins to scroll quickly, and.. hey wait, is Bucky O’Hare suddenly a space shmup oriented like a brawler? That’s new and different. And even worse.. holy crap.. IT WAS FUN! Like, very fun! That’s so frustrating because to get to the one section that’s worth playing, you have to slog through five miserable stages. Yet, that one level is one of the better times I’ve had in gaming in 2023. And it made me kind of angry.

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That should have been the whole game! Why not? At least it would have been original. Sadly, that’s the one and only level you can say that about. Thankfully, that level does last a lot longer than the car sequence from that automobile and prehistoric giant chicken game I reviewed earlier this year. But, once it’s over, it’s back to the same old walking and shooting with one pitiful upgrade to your gun. Bucky O’Hare is really a cartoony version of the 1990 Konami Aliens arcade game that was trying to appeal to the TMNT fanbase. It failed. Unlike Simpsons or Ninja Turtles, Bucky O’Hare didn’t have the slobbering fanbase that was starving for content. Yet, this game has fans. Some people just really like their games to be bland and lazy, I suppose. Imagine walking into an arcade in 1992 and the best time you have is playing Bucky O’Hare. How boring a person are you? I can’t believe such a thing happened. Especially since I figure such a person would be the type who got their lunch money taken.

Bucky O’Hare is not Chick Approved.

Bucky O’Hare was developed by Konami

Filed under Retro Reviews Tagged with , , , ,

How to Stay Interested When You’ve Ran out of Words

July 1, 2023 by Leave a comment

Well, it’s that time of the year. The time where I reflect on another year of playing video games, and annoying my Twitter followers with too much pinball and basketball talk. I’ve done twelve years worth of these things, and I’ve long since passed that stage of my career where I look at my review index and say “wait.. when did I review THAT?” No, now I’m to the point where some of my most popular reviews are nearly a decade old now, themselves. The Shovel Knight review that shifted my review process firmly into introspection? That’s eight years old. My Dead Cells review? It turns five years old in October. I’ve been doing this a long time. So long that I’m FINALLY no longer “that girl who reviews XBLIGs” anymore. XBLIG has been shut down for six years now. The foundation of my entire career has been shut down for half its existence.

I’ve spent the last year with a series of big projects. I’m working on a book of reviews of golden age arcade games. I’m working on a review guide to every aspect of Pinball FX, and that one’s really fun because I get to work with my friends and especially my father and sister on it. I’m also covering a lot more classic games. I mostly focus on licensed games that haven’t been re-released since their initial publishing. It might not be “indie” gaming, but it’s what fascinates and interests me. I enjoy a lot more games than people probably realize. Especially with my lack of updates since February.

I’ve always teeter-tottered at Indie Gamer Chick between overly-active to months of inactivity. At least here, properly on the blog. On Twitter, I’m more active. I have a much more broad look at gaming these days. I fully admit, I’m overwhelmed by the amount of indie games out there. It’s astonishing and awe-inspiring, but it also makes it harder for me to find stuff to review. I play a ton of games, and I might have opinions on every game, but finding fun and entertaining ways to express those opinions I’m finding more and more challenging. I’ve called it “running out of words.”

Back in March, I got an early copy of a game called LUNARK. It’s based on 90s “cinematic platformers” like Prince of Persia, Out of this World (aka Another World), Flashback, etc. I’ve never been a fan of those types of games in a “whatever floats your boat but these just aren’t for me” sense. But, a critic absolutely should challenge themselves by playing games that not only aren’t their favorite genres, but actually the opposite of that. I had low expectations going in.

Surprise: I had a good enough time with it. It rights a lot of wrongs typical to its genre, like so many of the best indie tributes to classic games do. Developer Canari Games understood the problems inherent to the rotoscoped-style of action platformers and built the game around the strengths while minimizing the limitations, creating an experience that even people like me, who aren’t fans of the genre, can enjoy.

Here’s the thing: that’s my review in its entirety. You can see the problem. The worst thing a game review can be, besides unfair (if not outright corrupt) is boring. I try my hardest to write reviews that I would enjoy reading myself. Because of health issues, I’ve had to change my process. When I started IGC, I told people “never take notes when doing a review. That way, only the important things worth talking about stay with you.” Now, I take notes. I have to. In fact, I write the framework for the review, meaning the raw gameplay notes and the gags I intend to use, as I play. I also used to not seek a lot of help when writing. Now, my family helps me out. I don’t type as well as I used to, frankly, and they help a lot with keeping me on track. Even with those limitations, I think I’ve done my best work ever in 2022/23.

With LUNARK, I kept my notes. I replayed stages.. totally deliberately and not because I died a ton of times WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT STOP IT!!.. and started writing it. And there was a problem, because I was bored with my work. NOT THE GAME! The game was fun. I liked it. I just couldn’t translate what I enjoyed to a traditional review. I was actually not feeling physically good when I started the game, and then I ended up in the hospital for several weeks with a bowel obstruction (“you’re full of shit, sayeth your doctor!” That line from my father kills me. Love you, Daddio). Okay, maybe I just wasn’t in a mood to do reviews then.

But, nope, I couldn’t muster up an interesting review for a game that deserved a lot better than I could give it. That’s actually been a problem for me since February. Papertris? I enjoyed it. I had a LOT to say about it. I’m still struggling to get it right, though I was very enthusiastic about the game on my Twitter feed. Maybe that’s where my “work” belongs now, where I don’t have to worry about boring anyone. That’s one thing I don’t want to ever do. If I can’t have fun writing the review, I probably shouldn’t do it, regardless of how good or bad the game is.

I’m not done. In fact, I’ll be posting my first indie review here in over half a year for my anniversary. Going forward, I’m just going to have fun. And I’ll talk about games on Twitter always, even when I can’t “find the words.” Maybe I’ll start a “here’s what I’m playing now” series on this blog that gives updates to the things I’m playing. I have a full guide to Pinball FX that’s coming along really well (of course, five other people are writing it with me, which helps), and I’ve got some ideas for features.

And I’m going to try not to be mad at myself for this situation. Nobody is the same person they were twelve years ago. People know me as a game reviewer, but I’m not really. I’m a blogger who does game reviews. It’s not my job. It’s my hobby. Albeit, one that has a lot more people following it than Mom’s new hobby of learning to crochet, which she has picked up because, quote, “I’m old. I should be doing old people things now.” I tell you, you don’t know what surreal really is until you see your mother trying to knit a stocking while blasting Metallica in her ears through her phone so loud you can hear it too.

Twelve years later. I’m “running out of words” but I ain’t out of words. As my sister said, “no you’re not. You just need to sit back and learn all new ones.” She’s wise beyond her years. I don’t think I’m wise. I’m sage at best, or perhaps insightful, but not wise. I take on so many projects that I don’t finish, and one thing I want to do for this, my twelfth year, is challenge myself to go back to those abandoned works and search for the words I never found the first time around. I don’t owe it to my readers, who I cherish so much for sticking with me for twelve incredible years. No, I owe it to myself. After all, it’s my name on it.

Cathy Vice
June 30, 2023

Filed under Editorials

The Little Mermaid (1989 NES Review)

May 29, 2023 by 3 Comments

Yea, I grew up on Little Mermaid. Even the direct to video sequel, which bored my poor parents to death, was something I couldn’t get enough of. Hell, my mother, despite her thick Cuban accent, would dance around singing Part of Your World. And yea, I had the poor man’s Ecco the Dolphin that was Little Mermaid II for the PlayStation. But, I’m here today to talk about the NES game. A few years ago, Capcom put out a “Disney Afternoon Collection” and didn’t include Little Mermaid. I’m not sure why not. There was a Little Mermaid cartoon series, after all. It wasn’t part of the Disney Afternoon, but come on. Functionally, they’re all the same deal. Cheapo cartoons meant to cash-in on Disney’s popularity with post-fetus, pre-career humans.

Since the NES game took me under half-an-hour to finish, I was going to also do the Genesis game Ariel: The Little Mermaid. Then I played it, and determined that my brain couldn’t comprehend its badness. I did LOL that you move faster than your own projectiles, making them functionally useless.

From producer Tokuro “Ghosts ‘n Goblins” Fujiwara comes a children’s game that has to be the polar opposite of that franchise. It’s tough for me to review Little Mermaid, because it’s so absurdly simple and easy that I beat it in about twenty minutes and change. It’s sort of like Bubble Bobble as an undersea non-platforming platformer adventure. Taking control of Ariel, you flip your tail to send a wave of air that captures fish in bubbles. How does that even work? Could scuba divers, in lieu of masks, have mermaids fan their tails at them? Or, there’s the obvious explanation of what’s happening: Ariel is farting at enemies. Do mermaids even have buttholes to fart? WELL, EXCUSE ME FOR CARING ABOUT THE LOGISTICS OF THIS STUFF!

That poor unfortunate soul is about to get crushed by a barrel. To the game’s credit, there’s lots of hidden stuff. To its determent, that stuff doesn’t seem to change the ending at all and there’s no incentive to get it all.

With Little Mermaid, Capcom was clearly targeting an audience that wasn’t weened on Super Mario, Castlevania, and Mega Man. I played with absolutely no caution and still plowed through the game without losing a single life. TWO close calls over five levels, with only the first version of Ursala putting up a real challenge. It’s not that I expected otherwise. I could beat Duck Tales or Rescue Rangers in my sleep, so I expected Little Mermaid to be a cinch. But, this is a whole other level of cinchiness. Taking damage doesn’t downgrade your attacks or speed. Once you fully power-up, even the biggest bad guys can be caught in bubbles and used as projectiles. Almost all the damage I took in the game was from level-based projectiles (IE volcanic rocks or sea urchins). I think maybe once in the entire game I took damage from an enemy, and that was me being lazy. Other than the level hazards, the hardest aspect of Little Mermaid was lining up bubbles to be thrown as attacks, especially during boss fights. That, and the fact that sometimes, during those boss fights, it would take a while for the basic enemies (that are essentially ammunition for Ariel) to become vulnerable to being turned into bubbles. Otherwise, this might actually be a contender for the easiest game Capcom ever produced.

The bosses are the highlight, though I’m not sure where these ideas come from. Like this evil seahorse drill sergeant. Is this a thing from the cartoon series?

A lot of people probably have rosy memories of Little Mermaid as a video game. One reader noted that it was the first game they ever beat without an adult helping them. I can believe that. The levels are very simple, with no instakill, minimum enemies, and not a lot of exploration. There’s the occasional gag, like being able to push a rock or a barrel, which is usually done to open a treasure chest and upgrade your speed or the strength of your.. um.. bubble fart. The only exception to the pathway-to-victory style of design is the fifth and final level, which is a “find the right path” maze. Even that is really simple. The trick is to go through the same door three times in a row. It’s bland, and so are the rest of the levels. They all feel like filler to get to the typically-excellent Capcom boss battles.

You go straight from fighting “normal” Ursala to the final boss, which is “giant” despite being only marginally bigger than the first fight. Don’t get me wrong: good boss and a good finale to the game, but the movie ends with the horrifying death by stabbing with a boat. Which.. yea that’s how the Jaws game ended, too. It’d been weird to end Little Mermaid the same way Jaws did, I suppose.

It’s hard to judge a game that is clearly aimed at young children. Did I have fun? Not really. Little Mermaid doesn’t give you enough time to get bored by it, but there’s really not a lot to it between the bosses. It comes down to “can I recommend this for anyone” and the answer is no, I can’t. I think they missed an opportunity by being ALL mermaid, all the time. While you’re not always in the water, the moments where you exit the sea are brief and toothless. It’d been a lot more interesting if the game switched between Ariel the Mermaid and Ariel the Human. They could have done a hybrid-style game. I’m guessing they were crunched for time, but being the mermaid all the time was too limiting. Little Mermaid is a creativity bankrupt game, and while I enjoyed the bosses, even those were baffling in their presentation and the lack of stakes attached to them. BUT, if you have little kids who are interested in Mommy or Daddy’s era of games, Little Mermaid would be an excellent game to introduce them to 2D retro gaming. Say, ages 5 to 9. Everybody else, it’s a generic but brief bore. Hey, it could be worse. It could be a two-and-a-half hour long live action remake where the seagull raps for two agonizing minutes.

The Little Mermaid is NOT Chick-Approved.

The Little Mermaid was developed by Capcom

 

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Pinball FX: The Addams Family – The Pinball Chick Hurry-Up Review

February 19, 2023 by Leave a comment

Pinball FX is out now on PlayStation and Xbox. We have over 100 tables to do. A full look at Addams Family is coming, but I want to start getting content up for it and I’m experimenting with a new format for that. Check out our ratings for Addams Family now over at The Pinball Chick!

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Superman (1988 Arcade Review)

February 17, 2023 by 6 Comments

As I noted in Atari 50: The Games They Couldn’t Include, I love Superman. I love how boringly predictable he is. I like the concept of an overgrown boy scout with an unshakable moral compass who will always do what’s right. In a world where everything has to be gritty and shades of grey, shouldn’t there be one do-gooder who is so wholesome and true and virtuous that he makes everybody aspire to their better angels? I also refuse to believe that it’s really that hard to make a decent Superman game. The fact that the best game starring the Man of Steel came out ten years before I was born is just sad. It begs the question: what is the second best Superman game? It’s a hard question to answer. I’ve played almost all of them now, including the C64 games, and most are pretty dang bad. One was so inept that I started laughing to the point of physical pain. It’s an unreleased Superman prototype for the Game Boy Color called Battle for Metropolis. Booted it up, the very first enemy punched me once, and despite the fact that my life bar was half the length of the screen, I died and game overed. From one punch. From a normal enemy.

It broke me. I laughed so hard I thought I would collapse a lung. Then I imagined what the enemy must have been thinking to even try punching SUPERMAN, the one guy you would never try punching, and their reaction that it actually knocked him out cold in one shot, and suddenly I couldn’t catch my breath.

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Actually, the second best Superman game is certainly Shadow of Apokolips for the GameCube/PS2, which manages to rise to the level of being average. It’s fine. Not amazing. Not even really that good. It’s okay. We’re now well into the fourth decade of Superman video games and, besides the Injustice games, Superman has never starred in an unambiguously fun video game. How hard can it be? And don’t tell me it’s because Superman is overpowered. Who cares? We’ve all played Grand Theft Auto where we turn on cheats for everything and then go stark raving mad, causing unstructured mayhem and destruction. Do you know why we do that? Because it’s hell of fun to do that type of thing. JUST DO THAT, ONLY WITH SUPERMAN! For God’s sake, just make a sandbox with loose objectives that can tie into a bigger story if that’s what players want. Or let them just go on a Superman-themed rampage if they want to be psychopaths. Grand Theft Auto: Metropolis. That’s what a Superman game should be. It shouldn’t have Superman being punched-out. Superman should be able to flick enemies into the sun, but he’s constantly being beaten down. Take, for example, the 1988 Taito Superman arcade game. It’s the latest arcader I’ve reviewed that never saw re-release again. That’s probably a good thing in this game’s case.

Yea, that’s a chick fighting Superman in a rabbit suit. My Dad’s theory is this started development as an Ultraman game. I actually would buy that.

Nobody ever talks about Superman’s coin-op when they bring up how cursed this franchise is when it comes to video games. They talk about Superman 64, with its endless ring trials or unstable 3D environment. Or, perhaps they consider the bottom of the barrel to be the absolutely grotesque Kemco NES game. Yea, those are pretty dang bad. But, the NES or Nintendo 64 adventures of Kal-El can’t hold a candle to Superman: The Video Game (the official title of the coin-op) for sheer mind-numbing boredom. It’s a mindless brawler where you punch waves of bad guys, including ones in pink bunny suits. None of the villains from the franchise show up. An original villain named Emperor Zaas serves as the final boss. It’s one of many signs that everybody who worked on this wanted to be doing anything else. Zaas could have easily been Brainiac, but that would have required picking up a comic book and giving a crap.

Why would you make a Superman game and then not have a character from the comics serve as the enemy?

There’s five levels that are divided into three phases. In the first, you scroll horizontally, punching and kicking enemies. Neither move has any OOMPH, but the kick is especially pathetic. Superman’s kick should be able to reduce the Moon to baby powder. Here, it feels like he’s trying to shake a strand of toilet paper off his boots. Meanwhile, enemies only have to punch you four times to knock you, Superman, S-shield-up, lights-out. Oh, and when you or the enemies die, they de-rez into wireframes. Yea. The one and only thing the arcade game got right is that you’re not grounded and can fly without any limitations. You’ll want to fly, since when you walk, Superman looks like a Karen heading up the counter to complain that they didn’t get enough crackers with their soup. Also, since the enemies are dressed like super heroes and fly too, it kind of takes the uniqueness out of it. Why do the enemies look this way? It would be like making a Sherlock Holmes video game where all the enemies wear deerstalkers and smoke pipes.

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After the horizontal area, you move to a section that scrolls vertically. It’s just more endless punching and kicking, only this time, you’re always flying. It makes you wonder what the point of the first section was, then. It’s like they MEANT for the first part to be grounded, so the flying parts would stand out, but then changed their minds. So weird. The third each stage is strictly flying, and now the kick is replaced with your heat vision. At this point, Superman is functionally a shmup. While you can still punch, why would you want to? The heat vision is faster, more effective, and has range. You have to shoot missiles or structures in your way (apparently Superman isn’t smart enough to fly around them) until you reach a boss. The bosses are generic shmup type spacecraft, and holy smokes, do they ever suck. They take FOREVER to fight, soaking up damage like there’s no tomorrow. Now, mind you, I changed the settings to “easy” and even then, they had attack patterns that made me question if it’s even possible to avoid taking damage. You have unlimited continues, but remember, each one would have cost $0.25 back in 1988. Easily half the playtime of Superman: The Video Game is spent letting the bosses suck up your damage and re-upping quarters to continue.

The final boss, the only big boss that doesn’t take place in a flying section, is a piece of work. The two ogres keep respawning and do all the damage while Not-Brainiac raises a shield to block your projectile if you charge it up. My punches never landed either. It’s like they designed this strictly to have an excuse for why they built a useless kick move into the game, because this is the only time I actually had to use it.

Besides being able to charge-up your punch for a projectile, you don’t really get any help. There’s one power-up, and all it does is instantly charge up the punch. A charge you lose if you take damage anyway. Superman 1988, released just as the comics were being reinvented in the Post Crisis era, feels like a product that has no love for the source material. Say what you will about Superman 64 or Kemco’s Superman, but damnit, at least they had ambition! A fondness for the source material. This is just a lazy, thoughtless, cynical quarter sucker. I’m guessing nobody talks about the Superman coin-op because nobody spent more than $0.25 on it. It doesn’t take long to figure out that it’s a dull game. It never came home, so it never lingered around long enough to leave an impression. Had that not been the case, I actually think this, and not Superman 64, would be remembered as the worst Superman game.

The most annoying enemies are the ones who trap you in spider webs that you have to wiggle out of! IT’S SUPERMAN! Why is this such a struggle?

It’s truly stupefying how boring Superman: The Video Game is. Maybe the worst overall arcade game I’ve reviewed so far, because it just offers no stimuli at all. I’ve played a lot of licensed games where I get the feeling the designers didn’t want the assignment, but this stands head and shoulders above others. There’s something really irritating about how generic it is. I want to ask the people who worked on this “why did you even get the license if THIS is what you came up with?” It’s not like Superman was scorching hot at the time. They were two years removed from John Byrne’s reboot of the comics and sales had plateaued. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace had just bombed so badly that it helped bring down Cannon Films in the process, and the Ruby-Spears Superman cartoon series only lasted thirteen episodes. In that sense, maybe this is the best Superman game you could expect in 1988: spinning its wheels, unsure what to do with the Man of Steel, and ultimately phoning it in. A fascinating microcosm of the state of Superman at the time? Sure, as long you don’t actually play it.

Superman is not Chick-Approved

Superman was developed by Taito

The viral marketing for a good Superman game should feature Bizarro joyfully playing all the old Superman games and approving them enthusiastically. “Bizzaro no understand why humans hate NES Superman! Bizzaro like super cute graphics!”

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Cadillacs and Dinosaurs (Arcade Review)

February 14, 2023 by 4 Comments

Unfortunately, I’m experiencing no shortage of licensed arcade games that haven’t seen the light of day since their original release. I’m trying to bring these games to the attention of both their original fans and their publishers/rights holders. If I had to guess the two licensed titles I’m doing in 2023 that have the absolute best chance at a modern re-release, Cadillacs and Dinosaurs I think is the #1 contender, with Capcom’s Alien vs. Predator (yep, I’m doing it) a close #2. At first glance, it would seem like the complications with C&D put it out of bounds, since the creator, a comic book company, a game company, and possibly CBS own some stake in it. Even the name “Cadillacs and Dinosaurs” itself is owned by General Motors. It seems like too many moving parts, but Capcom has a knack for pulling it off. They even got their version of Aladdin into Disney Classic Games as DLC. A flow chart’s worth of rights issues or not, I never bet against Capcom, and I predict this will be re-released by the end of 2024.

Cadillacs and Dinosaurs has two fairly large problems. One is it needed a lot more dinosaurs. There’s something very satisfying about backhanding a raptor like this.

And, honestly, C&D is fine. Not great. Not bad. Another right-in-the-middle affair for arcades that requires no long-term investment or finesse. Just smack the hell out of endless waves of enemies, walk right, and do it again. Had this been in Capcom Beat ‘Em Up Bundle it would have been just barely above the middle of the pack. A YES! for sure, but nothing spectacular. Yet, unlike the more fun but also middling G.I. Joe from Konami, Cadillacs is revered. Part of that is the Sonic CD rule, where mediocrity is elevated as long as it remains just out of reach. Cadillacs and Dinosaurs never came to 16-bit bit consoles. It never was included in any compilation. After the arcade era ended, it was gone, and unless you use emulators, which the overwhelming majority of players don’t use, it never came back.

The lack of Cadillacs is the second major problem. In fact, let’s remove the “s” at the end of “Cadillacs” because, really, there’s only one section based around them in the whole game. Maybe it wouldn’t have been as fun if they overdid it, but I don’t know. Maybe they could have done other stuff with it too.

Apparently, the decision to not port this was based around the SNES being unable to handle as many characters on screen as the arcade game has. Most of the Capcom brawlers were in a similar situation and came home anyway, but in the case of Cadillacs and Dinosaurs, it would have taken away from the dinosaur mechanics. If a dinosaur is green, it’s docile. They’ll only attack if you or an enemy hit them, at which point they turn brown. It’s literally “f*ck around and find out” gameplay. They’re often just sleeping, and that’s where the one-of-a-kind hook comes into play. Enemies will come onto the screen and, instead of trying to attack you, some will walk up to the sleeping dinosaurs and smack them, waking them up and turning them aggressive. It’s a fine idea, in theory, and one that wouldn’t have worked if they had to limit the enemies on screen. It’d be too easy to stop them from waking up a now angry T-Rex. In execution, I found C&D actually takes it too far. In my solo game, I never once was able to prevent the enemies from waking up the dinosaurs. It’s a mechanic that only works if you’ve got multiple players, and those players REMEMBER TO NOT HIT THE DINOSAURS, Dad! Also, I kind of wish the dinosaurs would attack everyone on screen. It’d add actual strategy to the game if the dinosaurs attacked everything indiscriminately, players and enemies. Also, there’s just plain not enough dinosaurs. There should have been one every wave of enemies. They’re the fun part!

In the wake of Mortal Kombat, it feels like everybody wanted to get in on making their own digital giblets. When an explosive takes the final pieces of damage off an enemy, this happens. It’s wonderful! Not so gory that it becomes a farce. Just the right amount of goo. Honestly, C&D could have probably gotten a YES! just from the weapons alone. They’re hella fun.

Besides the dinosaurs, the only other stand-out is one all-to-brief driving section that’s too easy and ends in a boss fight where you try to knock a guy off a motorcycle. When your car takes too much damage, the driving ends permanently and never comes back. The rest of the game does mange to do just enough feel unique, even if it’s completely forgettable. Cadillacs and Dinosaurs uses the same engine as Warriors of Fate, but it’s so much better here. There’s four characters, and they all feel different enough to make a complete journey through the eight levels worthwhile. You can swap between them after you game over, and there’s merits to each one. Hannah was my favorite, as she had an unstoppable flying knee that might be the most effective move in any of these Capcom brawlers. You can pick up a variety of guns that are so satisfying use. The biggest letdown is the set pieces. C&D has a bland, drab setting with not a single memorable stage or moment, outside of the car driving section. The generic bosses and stages feel like they’re not taking advantage of the genre. It’s a game called Cadillacs and Dinosaurs, for God’s sake. Who cares if you’re limited to an obscure comic book and a cartoon nobody watched? CADILLACS! DINOSAURS! Just go completely crazy!

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That’s the thing with all these Capcom brawlers: they rarely are good at everything. Especially ones before 1994-95. If the fighting is fun, the setting is dull. If the setting is awe-inspiring, the characters and enemies are uninspired. It almost feels deliberate, too. Like they didn’t want to ever peak, because then it’d be all downhill from there and cause a falloff of their business. Or, perhaps they just didn’t want to set the bar too high. Nah, I’m sure it wasn’t intentional. In fact, I’m going to guess Cadillacs and Dinosaurs squeezed all the potential out of the CP Dash System, even if still manages to feel conservative. Eventually, near the end of the arcade era, Capcom would fire on all cylinders and come out with some of the best brawlers of the period. This isn’t isn’t one of the best brawlers of the period. Cadillacs and Dinosaurs is perfectly average and perfectly fine. Good for forty minutes to an hour of just vegging out and unwinding with some simple two-button cannon fodder cracking. Bring a friend or two along if you can and enjoy some perfectly decent, bland entertainment, which is what most Capcom brawlers are, frankly. They’re the Elvis Impersonator of video games. The Jay Leno of video games. The regular McDonalds hamburger with mustard and ketchup of video games. They’re.. okay.

Cadillacs and Dinosaurs is Chick-Approved
Cadillacs and Dinosaurs was developed by Capcom

Just ROM hack it and call it Reasonably Priced Sedans and Giant Chickens. Hell, I’d play the crap out of that game!

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