Taito Milestones 3: The Definitive Review – Full Reviews of All 10 Included Games + Full Ranking of ALL Taito Milestones Games

From what I’ve seen, this is one of the most hyped releases of 2024 for my readers, and there are two main reasons: Bubble Bobble and Rastan. Over half the games in Taito Milestones 3 belong to those franchises (assuming you count Cadash as a Rastan spin-off, and I do). So, let’s get to this review. Taito Milestones 3 retails for $39.99 (digital pre-order price of $35.99) and contains ten games, and so it has to create $40 in value to get my seal of approval. Since all ten games are all sold separately for $7.99 via Arcade Archives, each YES! verdict has a fixed value of $8, meaning Taito Milestones 3 must score five YES! votes out of ten games to break-even and earn my seal. Following the ten games, I’ll tally-up the numbers and render my final verdict. Originally, I had plans for bonus reviews following the ten included games. I’m going to post those separately over the course of this week, including my review of ININ and Ratalaika Games’ re-release of Parasol Stars.

Update: At the time of Taito Milestone 3’s release, Dead Connection, Thunder Fox, and Warrior Blade were exclusive to this collection, but each game has since been released separately for $7.99 with all the bells & whistles of a solo Arcade Archives release. This development does NOT affect my ultimate verdict or the YES!/NO! status of any game in this feature.

You can remap the buttons if you wish. For all my bitching about Arcade Archives, they do handle controls pretty well.

EMULATION & FEATURES

Taito Milestones 3 is the latest collection of somewhat stripped-down versions of Arcade Archives releases from ININ and developer Hamster. The games themselves aren’t the stripped-down part, only the Arcade Archives side of things. If you buy these piece-by-piece, you get two extra modes with each game, at least with most of their releases. This is kind of a big deal, since Hi-Score Mode and Caravan Mode are cheating-proof. In those modes, if you so much as pause the game, the entire run is scrubbed. Taito Milestones 1 – 3 only includes the basic, normal mode for each game. While the games have the full assortment of dip-switches and difficulty settings, and also allow for gaming’s most roundabout save states, Taito 3’s online leaderboards don’t factor any of that stuff in. In my opinion, since the leaderboards never take into account how those scores came about, that makes them completely worthless.

I did create a ton of save states using the interrupt feature, and I did use them to refight a couple bosses I’d already beaten. But otherwise, my 20th is a pretty legit score. I did game over multiple times leading to it, so I was really spared from NEEDING save states, even though I kept generating new save points, I never needed them. I just didn’t die. Actually, come to think of it, all my scores except Bubble Bobble are legit.

I have already reviewed both Taito Milestones 1 and Taito Milestones 2, but this one feels different in terms of star power. Without exaggeration, I heard from some readers they were more excited for Taito 3 than they were Tetris Forever. Whoa. That speaks to how fondly these games are remembered. But, it’s 2024 and we’re still using the same outdated Arcade Archives emulator. There is NO rewind. There is NO quick save or quick load. The effort just isn’t here. I’m a big fan of the Taito Milestones franchise because of the convenience of having ten games in one package, most of which are under-the-radar stuff that you wouldn’t expect to be part of relatively small retro collections. For all my whining for the lack of features, I want to make it clear: I admire ININ’s lineups a hell of a lot more than I do Namco Museum with its endless recycling of Pac-Man and Galaxian. Seemingly no consideration is given for a game’s level of fame, and I admire that. It paid off, too. Volume 2’s most famous game was either Darius II or NewZealand Story, neither of which are exactly globally famous releases. The best game in that set, Liquid Kids, I’d never even heard of before, but it succeeded in being an anchor game good enough to be the star of a ten game coin-op collection. That’s how these things should work, right? Hidden gems become hidden no more if given the chance to shine in a collection. Taito Milestones excels at that idea, and Taito 3 is no different. The best game in THIS collection has never been in a globally-released retro set before. Neato.

Dead Connection allows players to toggle a secondary display for their ammo. I didn’t find it useful.

But, given the fact that these are mostly under-the-radar games, you really want the publisher to put forth their best potential package. Games are NOT made to be timeless. They’re meant to commercially appeal to gamers at the time of release, and if they end up holding up to the test of time, that’s a bonus. But, things can be done to enhance their chances. Coin-ops are often brutally difficult, so giving options like save states or rewind take the edge off. Bubble Bobble doesn’t offer unlimited continues.. or ANY continues, in single player. There’s nothing inherently sacred about the decisions made regarding Bubble Bobble. It’s the way it is because it’s trying to earn $0.25 per play and it needs players to lose in five to ten minutes or less, in order to be profitable by the standards of 1986. But save states would fix that. Rewind would fix it better. But that’s not here. Hamster’s save state methodology is the worst I’ve ever seen, requiring you to exit the game entirely and return to the main Taito Milestones menu. It takes forever.

There are some screen filters, such as scan lines, but there’s no artwork from the original cabinets for wallpaper, with one exception that I’ll get to. For 9 out of the 10 games, the only wallpaper is functionally useless. It’s on right now, in this screenshot. A bland ass gray ribbon. Did you even notice it? I mean come on, Hamster. Once more with feeling, please.

And the weird thing is, they’re NOT lazy! Some of the games have tons of features. I don’t always like using the dip-switch options in MAME, but the menus for what each option does are clear in Hamster’s emulators, so checking the options and applying them is super easy. But, because of the individual release nature of Arcade Archives, not every build in Taito Milestones 3 is given equal consideration. Even something like autofire isn’t consistently an option in every game. Most have it, but Bubble Bobble doesn’t, and I would have liked to have had it. Thankfully, most games do have all the options you absolutely need. Every game supports full button mapping and plenty of display options. This is especially important for a game many consider to be the true crown jewel of Taito Milestones 3, including myself. I’m talking about Warrior Blade: Rastan Saga III, a double-screened release.

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While not as impressive as the triple-screened Darius II from Volume 2, they included a ton of options unique to this title. Do you want arcade-like jankiness to the two-screen effect, which was done using mirrors? Or maybe you want one screen to have more color than the other? If that’s something you’re nostalgic for, you’re weird, but you can do that. It’s also the only game in Taito Milestones 3 that includes the original bezel. For $40, you’d really hope for more bezels than 1 out of 10 games. The wallpaper the other 9 games use is pathetic. Why is it barely better than no wallpaper at all? These games had art assets, flyers, and logos. Couldn’t you cobble something, ANYTHING together? In general, the quality of the options depends on how far back the original Arcade Archives title was released. Bubble Bobble was released way back in 2016, so it doesn’t get a very inspired set of options. However, Rainbow Islands just came out this year, and it’s loaded, and so are the three exclusives to Taito Milestones 3. This is why I’ve decided to note the original Arcade Archives release date of each game. It does matter.

There’s also instruction screens, and like with the options for each game, the more recent the release, the more clear and thorough the instructions are. Bubble Bobble gets six pages that glosses over lots of stuff. Like, it literally doesn’t tell you a single thing about any item. Hamster has gotten MUCH better at their instruction manuals over the years. Rainbow Islands has more pages devoted to the items than Bubble Bobble has pages altogether. Seven pages just for the items, including the conditions you need to meet to spawn them. I give Hamster a lot of crap for what I feel is an outdated emulator, but in recent years, I honestly think they’re better at instruction screens than Digital Eclipse. I don’t take statements like that lightly. They’re currently the cream of the crop for detailed instructions, and that makes the inconsistent quality from game to game that much more frustrating. Well, except for the three exclusive games, all three of which get really tiny and not so helpful instruction books. I had a LOT of Warrior Blade questions and the instruction book answered almost none of them.

For the price you’re paying and the fact that you’re getting significantly less content (a full two modes missing per release), would it have really killed Hamster to update the options for every game included for ININ’s compilations? Treat every game included like it’s a 2024 release! Either way, Taito Milestones continues to leave a LOT to be desired, but there are some quality of life options, so I’m awarding at least $5 in bonus value for all the options included, the most important of which is button mapping and the nearly full range of dip switches. That’s $0.50 per game, times ten games. That seems fair to me for what this offers. If any of these games offered quick save/quick load, I’d probably go $7.50 to the max $10. Taito Milestones 3 has a chance to earn a couple more bucks in bonus value via Rainbow Islands, which has a pretty impressive quality of life menu, including buffing up the game’s responsiveness over the arcade build. If the game gets a YES!, I will add more bonus value.

Having tried Rainbow Islands with the “Improve Game Operation” toggle off (which is the default), honestly, I couldn’t tell the difference. The second line is very cool. Both Bubble Bobble and Rainbow Island are the rare coin-ops that have console-like cheat codes that you can input in the title screen. In Taito Milestones 3, you have to manually put in Bubble Bobble’s cheat codes, but they do work. In Rainbow Islands, the “Preference Settings” menu allows you to auto-input the cheat codes. Very, very cool. I opted to play with the unlimited continues and turning food into money bags.

GAME REVIEWS

For those not familiar with my way of thinking of how retro games should be reviewed, I take NO historical context into account. I don’t care how important a game was to the industry, because that doesn’t make a game worth playing today. The test of time is the cruelest test of all, but every video game must face it. I might not be here if not for Pong’s success, but I wouldn’t want to play it today. Not when there’s better options. Therefore, when I review retro games, every game gets either a YES! or a NO!

YES! means the game is still fun and has actual gameplay value when played today and is worth seeking out.

NO! means the game didn’t age gracefully and is not worth seeking out, and certainly not worth spending money on.

IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER

Bubble Bobble
Platform: Arcade
Released June 16, 1986
Arcade Archives Debut: January 29, 2016

Designed by Fukio Mitsuji
Developed by Taito
Also Included in Bubble Bobble 4 Friends: The Baron is Back!

This is one of my most requested reviews EVER, and I’m so happy to finally do it.

What is the second most famous Taito game? Obviously Space Invaders is first, but what’s #2? It’s probably either Arkanoid or Bubble Bobble, with Jungle Hunt, Darius, Rastan, or Elevator Action FAR behind them. Between Arkanoid and Bubble Bobble, I think the edge goes to Bubble Bobble, a game I’m declaring to be “King of the B-Listers.” It’s a game everyone knows in the same way everyone knows who Billy Zane or Kato Kaelin are. Were it a person, it’d be the biggest name on any given season of Dancing with the Stars, but it’s still only that famous. Center square on Hollywood Squares level of famous. The very definition of a gaming B-Lister. Games like that thrive on retro collections like Taito Milestone 3, because the unstated part of the classic gaming B-list is that their best days are behind them. Every Bubble Bobble game released in my gaming lifetime, IE 1998 onward? “Eh, it’s okay. I guess.” Yet, when Taito Milestones 3 was announced with Bubble Bobble being the anchor game? People got excited. Maybe Bubble Bobble is washed-up, but there’s still love for it out there. And yet, it didn’t take long for me to realize why Bubble Bobble never lasted as an elite gaming franchise.

I want to say that Bubble Bobble would have made a better home game than an arcade game. Removed from the pressure of having to earn $0.25 every five minutes or so, this might have been one of the all time greats. When Bubble Bobble cooks, it REALLY cooks. But when it’s trying too hard to kick players off the cabinet or make them drop another quarter? It becomes one of the most unlikable games out there.

I thought Bubble Bobble was held in high esteem in the same way Battletoads is: an impossibly difficult game built specifically for two players that’s legitimately fun when it’s still warming-up. But, once it gets warmed up, it actually becomes an actively bad game. At least when you’re playing by yourself. It turns out that, unlike Battletoads, co-op will save the day here, but I’m getting ahead of myself. The core gameplay is positively inspired. Spitting bubbles at enemies, then bursting them for the kill (presumably via decompression) is one of the most satisfying combat methods of the era. Moreover, Bubble Bobble does a fantastic job of incentivizing bursting enemies in clusters with the E-X-T-DIFFERENT E-N-D letters. When you actually spell EXTEND, the over-the-top animation that follows is nothing short of breathtaking.

And it’s an automatic warp to the next level, a fact that bailed me out at least twice in my full solo 100 level run.

Then you take into account how far ahead of its time Bubble Bobble is. Each room has its own “physics” for lack of a better term. There’s an invisible air current in every level that affects the drift of the bubbles. Being invisible, it’s something you have to discover and ultimately use. Your bubbles can act as platforms if you hold down the jump button, and about one-third of the way through Bubble Bobble, the game completely shifts in its tone and turns into a jumping puzzle/escape room game where the challenge isn’t generally the enemies, but rather how you reach them at all. The first stage indicative of tonal shift being level 35. It looks like this:

The stage only has a few of the most basic enemies, but they’re not the problem. Getting to them without accidentally jumping into them is. From this point onward, Bubble Bobble will regularly drop you off in stages that are genuine puzzles when it comes to how to make progress at all. And in those rare stages that are still entirely combat focused, the combat isn’t anything like how things were when the game started. In early stages, when you trapped enemies in bubbles, you had time to burst them before the enemies “hatched” and reemerged in ultra-fast “pissed-off mode.” But, that doesn’t last long.

I get why the coin-op is stingy with fun items like the “spit fire” cross, but once or twice in 100 levels just isn’t enough.

For the midway point of the game to 99th and final “normal” level, most stages see the enemies almost immediately hatch from trapped bubbles. Most of my deaths were from attempting to burst an enemy I just caught, only the physics don’t cooperate. Instead of the bubbles reliably popping, they might recoil ever so slightly, which gives the baddie trapped within enough time to hatch, meaning I’m dead since I’m still mid-jump and right next to the bubble. That would be annoying enough, but combined with level design that feels optimized to kill you by either timing-out or funneling you directly into the bad guys, it sure seems like Bubble Bobble is done with the fun and is now doing everything in its power to get you off the machine so the next person drops a quarter in it. There are NO continues if you’re playing solo, meaning if you lose all your lives, it’s game over no matter how far you’ve made it.

It was Thanksgiving Day when I played this level, and after an hour trying to beat it and god knows how many times quitting to the title screen and reloading the “Interrupt Save” that I’d generated, I slapped a $20 bill on the table and said if anyone could get this, the money was theirs. But, nobody did because nobody had played Bubble Bobble yet. I did eventually climb up.. and overshot the landing, ending up in the letters where I couldn’t get down. Twice. After about four or five rage quits, I finally wiggled up and out of the starting box. The secret is to just spam the bubbles while changing directions as fast as you can. It’s also easier to do it without the shoes. I’m pretty sure they just doubled the movement values for your character instead of making elegant, logical speed-up. Oh, and the shoes make jumping weirdly heavy. I hated them.

Again, this would make for a great home game, but this Bubble Bobble isn’t a home game. In fact, the home games tried to copy the arcade design, so even most home versions aren’t much better. Eventually, Bubble Bobble’s level design and cheap tactics had almost completely drained the fun out of the experience. I think when people say they adore Bubble Bobble, they’re either talking about the first thirty stages or they played co-op. Famously, you can only get the “happy ending” in co-op, but I got it playing 100% solo just by hitting Player 2 start when I knew the death of the final boss was imminent. It worked, but the ending I got wasn’t even the legitimate real good ending. It turns out that Bubble Bobble shares a lot of DNA with Tower of Druaga and features tons of hidden secrets. Like, if you don’t die once for the first 20, 30, and finally 40 levels, the special items in those stages are replaced by doors that take you to hidden rooms. I didn’t get any in my first play-through, but I did during a second run.

But, I didn’t actually beat the game twice, at least by myself. Actually, I was pretty miserable by the time I finished the game for the first time. If Bubble Bobble had kept the same core gameplay from the first couple dozen levels but just upped the movement speed of the enemies, I probably would have liked the game a whole lot more. I probably rage quit a dozen times when I played with the attitude that Bubble Bobble ought to be a cutesy game about dinosaurs blowing spit bubbles at enemies. But, when I looked at the levels like 8-bit miniature escape rooms, well.. I won’t say I had more fun, because I wasn’t having any fun at all. Instead, I was less annoyed, mostly because I was too preoccupied with the escape room mentality to be annoyed. Even then, when I see levels like this one:

I think the line is crossed from “genuinely trying to be fun” to “trying to trigger a game over by any and all means necessary, including outright underhanded tactics.” By the time you reach the last ten levels, Bubble Bobble is one the most shamelessly money grubbing in terms of its level design and punishing anyone not playing with a second player. It’s actually not a surprise that the franchise didn’t have staying power given the shift from quirky, novel fun to wanton cruelty. The concept of Bubble Bobble works, but the game is so mean-spirited by the end. When the difficulty started ramping-up, I was cheering every time I beat a tough stage, but after a while, cheers were replaced with sighs of relief. 100 levels is too much, too, especially since the back half of them are so brutal that they feel like a sadistic ROM hack of the game you had been playing. Imagine Super Mario Bros. if the Lost Levels were just the back half of the game. Yea, you’re doubling the level content, but it’s not fun, so who cares? The most annoying thing of all is it didn’t have to be this way. EVERYTHING I’ve written about would have been fixed by modern emulation options. Quick save/quick load and/or rewind would have been transformative of Bubble Bobble while not in any way hurting it. Some games don’t need crutches, but Bubble Bobble does. Or, at least it does if you’re flying solo.

SPLIT DECISION – SINGLE PLAYER BUBBLE BOBBLE

Since I beat this ten days before Taito Milestones 3 released, I assume this leaderboard must be the standard Arcade Archives leaderboard. That or they sent out TONS of review copies. Either way, I wasn’t exactly collecting every item and I still finished 59th all-time, on a leaderboard that you can absolutely cheat on and still make it.

Sadly, Taito 3’s inconvenient save state method means Bubble Bobble has to stand on its own, with no help. As a single player game, it doesn’t do it. And honestly, I think I’m the easiest game critic out there, because I have the lowest threshold to earn a positive review. The rule to getting a YES! is “I have to have more fun than not.” 50.01% fun to 49.99% awful? That’s a YESBubble Bobble wasn’t even close to the line. In my single-player run, it was about 30% lots of fun and 70% pain and suffering. Really, the only good thing I can say about Bubble Bobble’s endgame is the final boss is pretty dang good. It makes me wonder why they didn’t have more bosses? But, that was the lone shining highlight for the back half of the game. So, at this point, I’m going to do something unusual. I’m going to render two separate verdicts for one game. If you have NOBODY to play with..
Verdict: NO! But this review is not over.

SPLIT DECISION: CO-OP BUBBLE BOBBLE

The “MTJ” here is the initials of Bubble Bobble designer Fukio Mitsuji, who tragically died at only 48 years of age in 2008. For all my whining about the solo-mode, there’s no question that Mitsuji made a sublime multiplayer game. So, I’d like everyone to lift a glass. 🍺 To Fukio Mitsuji, a real one, taken too soon, who left an indelible mark in gaming. Thank you for the creation of Bubble Bobble & Rainbow Islands. Cheers to you! 🍻

Let’s talk about co-op. Bubble Bobble’s two player game is clearly its strongest aspect. How strong? I played three multiplayer sessions. In the first session, my playing partner was Sasha, my 9 year old niece who is not versed in classic gaming beyond what she’s seen me play. She’d never even heard of Bubble Bobble when I told her a few months ago I’d need someone to play this with. After giving me the runaround for a couple days, probably due to my annoyance at the single player experience, she finally sat down to play this with me and.. she loved it. Not only did she enjoy the game, but she became really excited when she found out there’s a bunch of Bubble Bobble games out there. “Are you doing those too? Can I play too?” And, even though I was “grouchy” while playing in single player, yeah, I had a great time too. My unofficial motto at IGC is “find the fun” and Bubble Bobble is one of those games where I absolutely NEEDED a second person to help me with that.

Even with 100 levels, it’s not a long game with a second player. Angela and I did a complete 100% playthrough, and even with a couple breaks, we didn’t make it through two episodes of Angela’s new favorite show, Boardwalk Empire. Good show, by the way. No clue why I kept starting it and stopping it. Finally watched it all the way through. For sure worth a look. (Happy, Sis?)

Even funnier is that once the rest of my family saw how much fun we were having, we started over and played a second time, where players who ate a game over passed the controller to the next in line in a way where everyone got paired with everyone else at least once. The last time we did that with a game in our house, it was Three Stooges on December 6 of last year, and it was one of the most memorable and joyous days of my gaming life. Almost exactly a year later, Bubble Bobble did that for us. Tis the season, I guess?! But, to be clear, everything I wrote above in the single player section is still true, with two exceptions. The first, and most important, is that you get unlimited continues in co-op, provided both players are on-the-ball and immediately come back to life upon dying. If you both game over at the same time, I’m pretty sure there’s no grace period and the game truly is over, so don’t mess around. If you want to be extra certain, just lay down save states once in a while between stages.

I actively wondered if we broke the game here. The HURRY UP!! warning never came, and neither did the lightning bolts that I figured you needed. We never made it this far when the whole family was playing because the difficulty spike led to levels designed for pain and not pleasure. We made it into level 72 as a family, aka HI-TECH with the jails in the corner pictured above. I made it roughly the same distance with Sasha, and the fun stopped when we got stuck on some of the more, ahem, ridiculous designs. But, when it was just me and Angela, without the chaos of family yelping and hollering, we could better coordinate. I recommend that, when possible, you designate one player the bubble blower and one the jumper. I was the jumper since my sister couldn’t seem to grasp the concept of holding down on the jump button to ride the bubbles. It didn’t help for HI-TECH, but wouldn’t you know it? I got out in like five seconds that time. Weird. It’s also worth noting that level 99 is so ridiculous that I had to use my controller and hers and beat the stage all by myself since it’s not tailored to novice gamers.

Like the single player game, the fun still has a chance of eventually trickling away, but there’s also a lot more moments that shine very bright thanks completely to co-op. Levels that I was breathing out a sigh of relief in single player saw us cheering and slapping high-fives in co-op. More often than not, it’s based on climbing. It’s hard to both spit a bubble, then turn around and climb it. It’s so much easier when one player is designated the jumper and the other is the bubble maker. There’s so much more flexibility you have, depending on the stage and the current. There’s also a LOT more stage-clearing items. It’s very noticeable and it absolutely made a difference for the first, oh, 90 levels in my run with Angela. But, the home stretch started giving us shoes or candy instead of the valuable bombs. We still got very frustrated on a few of the levels. The stage pictured above? #97? That took us about ten minutes by itself to get those last two enemies. We really thought we broke the game.

The “race to get the most items” bottles REALLY appeared more frequently. Which was fine with us since you automatically win the stage whether you collect all the items or not.

Bubble Bobble’s endgame isn’t cheerful or friendly at all, and that doesn’t change in co-op. BUT, without exaggeration, this feels completely different with a second player. Remember the family session I talked about above? That speaks to the greatest strength of the game: anyone can learn it really quick. Some players weren’t getting turns until we were dozens of levels into the game, but when it was their turn, they were up to speed and contributing REALLY fast. And that says it all. Usually, the only co-op games where someone can jump in with no experience and not be a drag are brawlers. Bubble Bobble is in a unique class. For all the sloppiness, and all the jank, its reputation as one of the greatest co-op games of all time is completely legit. So yea, if you’re playing by yourself and there’s little to no chance of finding a playing partner, I don’t recommend Bubble Bobble. It’s pure gaming agony solo. But in co-op? It’s easy now for me to understand why it’s considered one of the greats that came at the end of the Golden Age of Arcades. I don’t think it’s “great” and hell, I’d still call Bubble Bobble “overrated.” But, it’s still a solid co-op game nearly forty years later, and yes, still worth a look in 2024 and beyond.
Verdict: YES! – $8 in value added to Taito Milestones 3

Cadash
Platform: Arcade
Released September 4, 1989
Arcade Archives Debut: August 31, 2023

Directed by Hiroshi Tsujino
Developed by Taito

There’s a lot to like about Cadash, including some damn good combat. It’s a good looking game, too.

I was very skeptical of Cadash. Of all the coin-ops I’ve reviewed, or even console ports of coin-ops, it’s easily the one that goes the deepest into full-fledged RPG mechanics. Forget Tower of Druaga, which really isn’t an RPG anyway. THIS is the most RPG-like so far. Experience points? Check. Currency and shops? Check. Lots of NPCs to talk to, most of which have nothing of substance to say? Check. Having to purchase weapon upgrades? Check. Magic? Check. This isn’t something vaguely resembling an RPG. This is the real deal. Cadash’s closest kin is probably Zelda II or the Wonder Boy in Monster Land games that I’ve never played (except the third one, a home exclusive). So, how much fun did I have with Cadash? I had such a good time that I bought the Wonder Boy Anniversary Collection with the intention that it’ll get the full IGC Definitive Review treatment in 2025. I’d skipped it because I had no interest in arcade RPGs. I think the greatest possible compliment someone like me can give any game is that it stokes more than a passing interest in its genre. So yea, Cadash is pretty good. Sometimes. Other times, Cadash seems to be trying really hard to be unlikable.

Hell, even the bosses aren’t too spongy. That’s a place anyone would expect a game to be a butthole, but Cadash isn’t at all. Depending on if you do just a little bit of grinding, most can be defeated in just a few seconds.

Cadash is one of the more up and down games I’ve played. When it works the way you want it too, it’s undeniably fun. I’m playing this directly after finishing Rastan Saga II, aka the worst game in this set. THIS should have been Rastan Saga II. There’s four characters you can choose from, and if you play as the fighter, Cadash’s gameplay will feel VERY familiar if you play Rastan first. From the ropes to the stiff movement to the jumping physics and platforming, Cadash is basically Rastan, only with better combat and a better variety of enemies. Oh, it can be frustrating for sure. A lot of the enemies seem like some damage is unavoidable when dealing with them. This applies to indestructible background stuff, like giant hands that smash out of the floor. The safety zone for them is very small, but you simply don’t move fast enough to avoid them without a lot of luck. Later on in the graveyard, lightning strikes with almost no warning. When I fell into fire pits, I found the only way I could climb out was to turn the opposite direction and allow myself to keep getting knocked back from damage in the direction I wanted to go. I had to remind myself constantly that Cadash is trying to suck quarters, and more than a few times, it’s pretty shameless about it.

If you only play as one character, I easily had the most fun with the Priestess, who has a whip-like chain mace that has reach and can attack diagonally. Oh and don’t ask what that little version of me running around is. One of the most silly power-ups I’ve ever seen.

Thankfully, there’s unlimited continues. Plus, the downtime when you need to start a new life is as minimal as I’ve ever seen in a game like this. Almost instantaneous, though that comes at a big cost: no swapping characters between credits. A bigger problem is there’s no map, and I think you need one. There’s some backtracking, especially at the end of the game. I almost feel like I lucked into picking the correct directions more than once. I’m guessing NPCs were supposed to be more clear than they are about where to go. While I never came THAT close to timing-out (a timer is running the whole time, but it resets when you die and come back to life), the backtracking was the closest I came to being bored. Hell, I’m not embarrassed to admit that, even after beating the game with the “Fighter” (I kept calling it the Warrior), I still found myself going around in circles in some areas. Of course, that wasn’t entirely my fault. See, Cadash has a bit of a problem handling talking-based events, and it nearly ruins the entire game.

Fighting the kraken took me FOREVER with the fighter, since I’m pretty sure the down thrust attack won’t reach its body. You have to instead target the tentacles. I beat it in about ten seconds with the Priestess.

The timer never stops when you talk to NPCs, and near the end of my first playthrough, a couple different talking moments were supposed to trigger an event, but it didn’t happen the first time. At one point, I was stuck in a house for several minutes because I didn’t talk to the NPC the “correct way” I guess. I genuinely thought there was a chance I’d soft-locked the game, because I talked to the woman a few times, but it wouldn’t let me leave the house. After listening to her full dialog repeat multiple times, I finally was lined up with her in a way where I got an item that let me out of the house, but over two minutes had been eaten up. Later, it was a headstone that I had to talk to a couple times to activate. In my fourth and final playthrough, it was the gate after beating the first boss that wouldn’t activate, then later the gravestone glitch happened even worse than before. It played the “you got the item” music indicating I’d gotten the item that turns you into Dr. Doolittle. But, when I went to talk to the dog, it didn’t work. I thought I missed something and spent quite a long time going around in circles, talking and re-talking to every single person until I determined that the gravestone “moment” which had already f*cked up once on me had f*cked up again. And I was right. Had I not found a guide that told me I had to strike the grave a few times to force getting the pendant, I’d have never finished my final run.

What’s really infuriating about this is I believe these specific issues were deliberately left in the game in order to squeeze more quarters out of players. This feels like the type of thing that any amount of play testing would eliminate. They’re just too easy to trigger and happen constantly! There’s no way this was a simple oversight. But, it’s always the house that benefits from these “incidents” and I genuinely feel like someone in charge said “leave ’em in! Operators will love us for them!” They eat up time, cause people to run around trying to figure out what they missed, and ultimately shake the player down for more quarters. “You have to listen to ALL the dialog” isn’t good enough. I did listen to all the dialog! But maybe I wasn’t standing in the right spot or maybe I pressed the wrong button. I’ve been playing video games since I was 7 and I’ve never seen a game that f*cks up such a simple mechanic as handing you the key items when you talk to the right people like Cadash does.

Ignore the timer. You’ll die from combat damage long before it runs out.

Given the circumstances and Taito’s track record, yea, I think it’s deliberate. Just having unlimited quarters is the ultimate quality of life improvement. Had I been reviewing a game that cost $0.25 per life, I’d give Cadash the biggest NO! I’ve ever given. This is an arcade game that actively grifts players. But, removed from the arcade environment and given unlimited time and continues, these problems just become massive annoyances. It’s certainly not “charming” or homespun or anything like that. These aspects straight-up suck and there’s nothing redeeming about them. Cadash as a game in Taito Milestones 3 is a good game despite those things, and not because of it. Of all the games in this collection, this is the one I’d love to see a modern remake of the most. Everything that’s fun about Cadash would be more fun with modern gaming conveniences. Take casting spells, for example. In order to activate them with the wizard or priestess, you have to hold down the same button that’s a melee attack. A little word bubble pops up and begins cycling through the spells you’ve learned, and when you see one you want, you let go of the button. I’m sure in 1989 this was a pretty good solution, and I especially like that, the next time you cast a spell, it’s already on the same spell you last used. But, these days you’d have shoulder buttons to scroll with and more face buttons to activate.

I didn’t mind that it scrolled a little too fast when casting a spell. At least that felt like a proper timing-based challenge. I should also note that I died so often that I never ran out of magic points until the end of the game either time I played.

And while I’m on the subject of magic, if you’re going to have a spell-casting character, making too many enemies immune to magic is just a prickish thing to do. I really enjoyed the combat of Cadash, but that’s entirely situational. I didn’t enjoy using the ninja or his throwing stars at all, and the wizard just isn’t fun to play as. If you’re going to try Cadash, and I’m giving it a YES! so obviously I think you should, I recommend you play as the fighter or priestess. With either of those characters, Cadash is a haphazard, deliberately sloppy action-RPG carried by some damn satisfying combat. It’s short. A full run through will take about an hour, even if you stop to grind-up a few levels. Since the combat is enjoyable enough, grinding never feels like a grind. The RPG notes it HAD to do right, IE the weapon upgrades and sense of progress, are well done. It doesn’t always play fair, but since you’re not ponying up a quarter a play, technically you aren’t either. So, Cadash is the rare game that’s better today than it was upon release. It doesn’t happen a lot, but it’s nice to see.
Verdict: YES! – $8 in value added to Taito Milestones 3
And no, you can’t do the linked-cabinet thing. Two players only. Sorry.

Champion Wrestler
Platform: Arcade
Released August, 1989
Arcade Archives Debut: September 8, 2022

Designed by Atsushi Iwaoka
Directed by Takeshi Murata
Developed by Taito

Like most unlicensed wrestling games of the era, Champion Wrestler’s roster is “inspired” by real wrestlers of the mid-to-late 80s. It’s amazing nobody ever sued over their likeness, because a couple of these are uncomfortably close. In order: Rocky Garner is Stan “The Lariat” Hansen, who was the biggest American star in Japanese wrestling. Miracle Rastan (yes, from the Rastan games) is Kerry Von Erich, who was played by “The Bear” star Jeremy Allen White in the film The Iron Claw. Matterhorn Decker is Andre the Giant. The Samurai is Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat. Nitro Panks is Road Warrior Animal, who shows up in lots of games, even non-wrestling games (like Violent Storm). Black Machine is Tiger Mask, a gimmick based on a famous 1968 Japanese manga and anime that has been used by half-a-dozen wrestlers over the last four decades. Jimmy Carbon is based on Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka, a 70s and 80s WWE star who almost certainly got away with murdering his girlfriend in 1983. Cobra B. Joe is Tiger Jeet Singh. When I was a kid there was a jobber in WWE named Tiger Ali Singh, and I just found out that’s his dad.

I think most wrestling fans my age or older will agree that games that used the AKI Engine, which started in America with WCW vs. nWo: World Tour in 1997 and ended with WWF No Mercy in 2000, was the height of video wrestling. I’ve met the occasional outlier who says Fire Pro Wrestling, but I never really liked those all that much, or really, any wrestling games except AKI developed ones. They felt like they best replicated the give-and-take nature of pro wrestling that makes you build up to the big, strong moves with striking and weaker grapple attacks, leading to matches that looked more like what you saw on TV than any other wrestling game. I bring this up because I suspect the team behind Champion Wrestler was trying really hard to get the little details right without consideration for the big picture. I was immediately amused by seeing wrestlers stomp the mat as they threw punches. I mean, come on! I’ve never seen a wrestling game do that before, and it has the right sound effect and everything! I think it’s safe to say that Taito deliberately leaned into the simulated violence aspect of pro wrestling, as you don’t have to make contact on punches and kicks at all, but in a good “yea, that’s wrestling!” type of way. Not only does it not feel like “bad collision” in the traditional sense, but it also never feels like it’s mocking the source material. To Champion Wrestler’s credit, it’s completely sincere. And it should be, because that’s what makes wrestling fun, right?

Occasionally, managers will throw weapons into the ring, and the referee starts counting against you (or the CPU) when a weapon is used. I tried to deliberately get disqualified, but you automatically drop the weapon on the count of four. There’s also illegal choke holds and even biting that, again, the referee gives you a four count before the move is automatically broken. So, there’s no disqualifications, but there is a 20 count rule outside the ring. Champion Wrestler is really fickle about other rules, like rope breaks. They do happen, but I won a lot of matches when my opponent was practically under the bottom rope. Weirdly, rope breaks happened more during cage matches, where logically there should be no rules.

The in-ring action of Champion Wrestler probably does a better job of feeling like wrestling than any game had up to this point, but there’s still a big limit to that. You can run the ropes by tapping a direction twice, but you can only hit the ropes moving left and right. You can’t hit the ropes up and down, even though you can run up and down. Weird. You can climb the ropes, but in the entire time I was playing, I never hit a move off the top rope on a down opponent, and when I hit one on a standing opponent, it didn’t do enough damage to make it worth the risk. Actually, consistency was a big issue in general. Even with one of the best instruction manuals in Taito Milestones 3, I couldn’t really pull off any specific move with any consistency, including pinning. Sometimes I would just stutter-step around an opponent. Sometimes I instead attacked. Other times, I would perform a diving pinning attack only when the opponent got up. The same goes for grappling, or even just initiating the act of grappling. I ran through the game with each character, plus all the multiplayer we did, and I still never could do anything with any consistency except basic striking moves. The CPU was constantly able to switch from a front grapple to a rear grapple, but I don’t recall me or the kids ever doing that once. I was startled when I saw it was even possible.

When *I* was a kid, unless it was a Hell in a Cell match or a War Games match, cage matches were won by whoever escaped the cage first. If a gigantic wrestler cut a hole in the ring, crawled through it, and threw you into the cage so hard the cage broke and you landed lifelessly outside the ring, you still won the match. Here, it’s functionally a normal match where you just can’t run the ropes. Try to do that, and you’ll brain yourself on the cage. But otherwise, it’s still pins and submission to win. There are a couple little touches to make cage matches stand out, especially if you do a move in a way that the wrestler hits the cage. A few of the wrestlers do the “giant swing” where you grab someone by the feet and spin around, which is apparently a submission hold in this game since you can tap out to it. But, if they’re next to the cage, the same move just bangs you into the cage once. It looks kind of silly when it happens, but again, I mean silly in an authentic pro wrestling way.

So, what I’m saying is that my success or failure in Champion Wrestler came down to good ole’ fashioned button mashing. To my credit, Taito makes it clear this is the object. In addition to a normal health meter, you have a power meter that charges via movement of the stick (or d-pad) and button mashing that increases the damage done by all moves AND increases the likelihood of a pin or submission being successful. The submissions are the game’s weakness. You would think that if someone grabs a submission hold and it doesn’t work, the other person would at least get to stand up. That’s how the AKI games I was raised on work, and it makes sense because that’s proper risk/reward gameplay, right? It discourages spamming those moves, because if you don’t get a submission, your opponent gets a virtual reset and a chance to come back. Unfortunately, Champion Wrestler has no such buffer in place. You can put someone in the same hold three, four, or even more times in a row without giving them a chance to defend themselves. And it has nothing to do with how much life they have, either. It makes sense you can’t scrape yourself off the canvas if you’re completely drained of energy, but what if you still have most of it when this sequence of consecutive submission holds begins? In fact, this is how the CPU often beat me, not just when I had the game on the default difficulty setting, but even on the easy setting in later matches.

There’s also not enough penalty for missing running strikes or diving strikes on downed opponents.

If all that sounds discouraging, don’t let it be, because honestly I had more fun with Champion Wrestler than I have in my limited experience with other 80s/90s arcade wrestling games. I did something a little different with Champion Wrestler than my normal review process. My nieces and nephew, ages 9 to 13, are all big wrestling fans and, the day I played this for review, their friends were coming over for a viewing party for the latest WWE event on Peacock. I thought “getting them to play Bubble Bobble might be like pulling teeth, but I bet they’re all primed for an old school wrestling game!” The kids agreed to give it a shot, and I just watched, curious to see how quickly they all wanted to quit, but that never happened. Instead, Champion Wrestler’s pick-up-and-play action meant that everyone could immediately have fun and not have to ease into the game. The learning curve is nearly non-existent, and at first, they only complained about the time limit after the first couple matches ended with time running out. Thankfully, not only can match time be increased via the dip switches, but the actual speed the clock counts down can be adjusted too. I highly recommend that players do not use the default settings with Champion Wrestler.

I asked the kids if they could guess who each wrestler was supposed to be based on. I was surprised that the kids correctly guessed two of the eight wrestlers, though they had heard of Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat as well. I’m giving them credit for Road Warrior Animal, even though the kids got into an argument over whether it was Hawk or Animal. It’s Animal. Hawk had a reverse mohawk. The one they unambiguously got right? Andre the Giant, of course!

How did it go after I made the adjustments? Well, I asked the kids for “just a few minutes” and they kept playing it right up until the show started. Hell, their parents wanted to play too. And everyone had so much fun that they asked me to pencil-in doing reviews for other retro arcade wrestling games for Wrestlemania week this next year, even though I couldn’t promise they’d like them as much. “You know, if they’re bad, we still have to play them! That’s how reviews work!” They were down! So, yea, apparently they liked Champion Wrestler a lot, with my nephew saying he thought it was almost as fun as WWE 2K24. I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing for Champion Wrestler or a bad thing for WWE 2K24, and he told me that’s his favorite PS5 game. Mind you, none of these kids had EVER played a 2D wrestling game, but they really liked this one, and when I asked what was their favorite thing, they said they thought it was “like wrestling.” Apparently I wasn’t the only one who thought stomping while punching was a nice touch. “It’s funny” was another common complement, and indeed when any two players got into an extended sequence of missing pin attempts, everyone laughed. It looked exactly like a comedy wrestling match. We also were ALL freaked out by the twisted static screens between rounds, one of which has the words KILL YOU written in blood behind the wrestler, whose manager is handing him a gun. What the hell? Seriously, IS IT IMPLYING WHAT I THINK IT IS?

This feels like the start of an episode of Dark Side of the Ring. Or the ending of one.

The complaints were also pretty universal, and besides the lack of tag team matches, the most common one was there was no finishing move meter. Each wrestler has unique moves, but they’re not necessarily devastating finishers. One of the wrestlers’ big moves is just a small package, which for the unwashed is a fancy type of pin that isn’t supposed to hurt at all. Another complaint was nobody could figure out how to throw a wrestler into the ropes. Not that it mattered, because the wrestler being whipped can still do their flying attack on the rebound. It also became clear really quick that Champion Wrestler doesn’t have the type of balance you want from a fighting game. The running attacks are the easiest to perform, and for one character in particular, the Samurai, the flying attack is a Liu Kang-like flying dropkick. It not only covers the full length of the ring if your power meter is fully charged but it’s also probably the fastest move in the game. It was so annoying that we agreed to ban the character because there’s really no way to block, and it was too easy for someone to spam that move. In general, the kids would have preferred a bigger roster and more ease of grappling, and I agree with all of that. But, we had so much fun that my nieces and nephew wanted to play it again the next day.

Good move. Too bad I couldn’t pull it off with regularity. To Champion Wrestler’s credit, all the wrestlers feel different from each-other. They have varying levels of speed and strength, and different moves. Even their strikes and diving attacks are different. This is impressive for the time period, even with the short roster.

We didn’t have as much fun on the second day. To be clear, we still had fun, but we also were unable to get any better than we were the day before. After we all got sick of button mashing, we tried to actually be able to pull off moves with consistency, and none of us were able to. The two-button gameplay is just too limited and too inconsistent. Even when we played by ourselves against a standing-still second player, it still felt like pure luck when we pulled off a good move twice in a row. As fun as Champion Wrestler can be, you never forget that this was made to be just good enough to keep kids pumping quarters into it for fifteen minutes at an arcade in 1989/1990. It plays the way it does because it needs players to be able to walk up to the machine and play well enough to see moves right away, in your first match. It’s nothing short of remarkable that it holds up as much as it does in 2024. It aged well enough that kids who watch the modern wrestling product and play modern wrestling games couldn’t put it down. But, the lack of refined controls, inconsistent grappling system, and exploitable submission holds will eventually cause the fun to wear off. Champion Wrestler is the rare game where we didn’t have as much fun when we tried to play it “right.” But, in small doses with the right audience? You don’t need to know how to play it right to have a good time. If that’s not the mark of a solid arcade fighter, I don’t know what is.
Verdict: YES! – $8 in Value added to Taito Milestones 3

Dead Connection
Platform: Arcade
Released July/August, 1992
Arcade Archives Debut: February 27, 2025
Directed by Masaki Ogata, Ichiro Fujisue, and Hidehiro Fujiwara
Developed by Taito

I can’t remember playing a game that I had an easier time losing my place on the screen, and that was in single player! When I tried playing this in co-op, I suddenly felt comfortable declaring Dead Connection to be the worst “lose your place” game I’ve ever played.

I’ll give this to Dead Connection: at least it’s totally different from any other Taito coin-op I’ve reviewed so far, and I think that’s probably a good thing. It’s a single-screen at a time action game where you’re dropped off in the middle of the action and have to take out wave after wave of baddies. You really want this to be Taito’s answer to Robotron: 2084, Berzerk, or similar arena blasters. But, even if the core gameplay is like those games, it never feels like it belongs to the same genre. Hell, Dead Connection feels more like a light gun game without the light guns. Five years earlier, Taito had seen great success with Operation Wolf, and it’s a safe bet they always had their eye on further arcade shooters along those lines. I wouldn’t be surprised if Dead Connection started development with that intention, possibly as a hybrid game where you provided cover to the on-screen hero instead of having enemies attack you directly, only Taito abandoned the light guns to turn this into a 360° wave shooter. I hope so, at least. It would explain why this is so bland.

Even with only eight levels, there are some set pieces. Like in this stage, you can set off a bomb by shooting the switch up against the wall. At least, I think it was me doing it. It’s hard to tell. There’s a chance it was just something that happened in regular intervals. Also, it was this game and not Growl/Runark that was the most intense for my epilepsy.

Dead Connection’s biggest problem is the action just isn’t very fun. It is incredibly busy, and while it’s satisfying to pick up a shotgun and blast a huge cluster of enemies, the fun doesn’t last. The presence of bosses who don’t look like gaming “big bosses” takes a tommy gun to immersion. Most enemies are dead in one shot.  You know, like how guns are supposed to work, but then guys who look almost indistinguishable from normal baddies will take a shotgun blast to the body. Then they get up and take another, and another, and another, and MAKE IT STOP! It’s ridiculous looking when it happens, too. It looks like the boss is doing the worm, but eventually they’ll get shots off too. In over half of the eight levels during my first playthrough, I died at the same time as the boss did and pressed start just in time to see the LEVEL CLEAR graphic. There wasn’t a single decent boss fight in this whole game. They’re all lame as hell, and all of them feel like spongy normal enemies.

Honestly, besides the immersion-busting bosses, Dead Connection doesn’t exactly do anything wrong. It even has some aspects I enjoy. The environments are interactive, so if there’s doors somewhere on the screen, you can walk into a building and open fire on any enemies hiding within. It doesn’t change the screen or anything like that when it happens. Actually, you can’t really see what you’re doing, but it’s still a neat idea. My father thinks that I’m wrong about the light gun thing and that the real inspiration was “that game show game.” He’s talking about Smash TV, and perhaps he’s right. But, that’s the thing, you see. That game is a twin stick shooter, and Dead Connection isn’t. If you want to aim, you have to move the way you’re aiming. It’s such an outdated way of handling this type of wave shooter.

This.. totally normal looking person is the final boss. And I’m almost certain he got stuck on the scenery. This was probably the easiest battle in the entire game. The dude couldn’t move! It was fish in a barrel!

I loves me some good twin stick shooting action. Who doesn’t? I think that if Dead Connection had gone that route but changed nothing else, it would have been just good enough to squeak by with a tiny YES! Without twin stick gameplay, Dead Connection is actually a stunningly bland game that relies too heavily on set pieces to make up for some of the most boring enemies I’ve ever seen. Pretty ho-hum weapons too, actually. The best part of its offensive game is a satisfying dodge maneuver, but even that was only really effective against bosses. Weirdly, Dead Connection is the simplest game in Taito Milestones 3, and that’s stunning because it’s the newest game on here, releasing a few months after Warrior Blade. I suspect that it’s a game Taito gave up on, but one that made it too far along in development to outright cancel. Whatever the reasons why this didn’t work, Dead Connection is just not that fun.
Verdict: NO!

Growl
aka Runark (its name in Taito Milestones 3)
Platform: Arcade
Released in 1990
Arcade Archives Debut: July 27, 2023

Directed by Hidehiro Fujiwara
Developed by Taito

Indiana Jones and the Quest for Intellectual Property Protection.

Oh, thank God. Finally, a relatively uncomplicated review. Growl is a mostly boilerplate beat ’em up with the amount of moves and OOMPH you would expect from this era. The big twist is this one has an environmental theme about the evils of poaching attached to it. It’s also a game that I got a ton of potential epilepsy warnings about. Thankfully, the flashes are brief and usually predictable. In fact, the heroes of this game will literally duck and cover when an explosive is thrown. In terms of presentation, Growl/Runark has more personality than almost any brawler had up to this point. It’s genuinely laugh-out-loud funny at times, to the point that it feels like a deadpan satire. You know the trope of scrolling along while playing a brawler and someone breaks through a door to join the fray? When that happens in Growl, the baddie falls through the broken door. How can you not laugh? And then, right before I fought the final boss, get this, the game began to glitch out before freezing entirely. As far as comedic timing goes, it was perfect. For a second, I really thought I broke the.. game.. hey wait, that’s not a joke, is it?

What you’re not seeing after that clip is the game really was frozen solid, and my run was over literally right before the last boss. Couldn’t move. Couldn’t do anything except insert quarters. Actually, it caps you at nine credits, but when I froze the game, I could put in more. So yea, that part wasn’t so funny. Okay, it was a little funny. And, it only happened that one time (I beat it three times total), though that was my only session that would have cracked the leaderboard so I’m slightly annoyed. Otherwise, Runark is fine as a two button brawler that goes just a little beyond the extra mile. As you go along, you get a chance to directly save animals from poachers. If you do so, the animals will help you later on, and it’s genuinely thrilling when it happens. Runark has more enemies on screen than almost any brawler I’ve ever seen, but typically when the game goes nuts with enemies, it pays it off by sending in your animal friends to help. And it’s always exciting when it happens!

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Now, with all that said, the combat is really limited and basic, with all attacks mapped to one button, though this game does the “hit both buttons at the same time for a special move” thing. Is there a name for that? It doesn’t even cost you life to do it, either (apparently the Genesis version added that), but the catch is you have to be close. As long as there’s an ample supply of weapons, Growl’s combat doesn’t get boring, but it’s not amazing, either. The violence isn’t lightweight, but it’s also not always as impactful as it should be. There’s four characters to choose from, but really it feels like two characters who each have their own variant. However, each character has different jumping, strength, and health. You can swap between them each life, but in the case of one of the characters, I ate a game over in about ten seconds or less after using them. Health should not be something that has variables in a brawler. No matter who I was using, I found the jumping attacks to be ineffective and dull to use. The best thing I can say about the jumping is there’s a brief platforming level that comes out of nowhere near the end of Growl, and it’s better than the platforming bits in Double Dragon. Faint praise, perhaps, but it makes for a welcome break even if it just sort of ends unceremoniously.

Let me get this straight: in a game based around fighting poachers, the last boss is an alien worm? So, is it REALLY still poaching if it’s an alien species? If their normal behavior is to journey from planet to planet eating whatever life is on it, that’s not poaching. That’s just, you know, their nature. It’s like accusing a lion of poaching a gazelle. Not only is it a pointless twist just for the sake of a twist, but the last boss isn’t any fun to fight at all. Then again, neither is the evil clown that it’s disguised as.

Whether you call it Runark or Growl, full sessions take maybe thirty minutes, if that. So it doesn’t exactly have enough time to be boring. But, the game also doesn’t stick the landing. The difficulty suddenly spikes during the final level. Growls offers no buffer in the time between getting knocked down to getting back up. In multiple play sessions, this never factored-in until the final stretch, where every game except the one I crashed saw enemies counter every move I made and catch me in a cycle of knocking me down before I could even move. The second-to-last boss, the evil clown form of the alien worm you’re fighting, is one of the cheapest (and most boring) final bosses I’ve seen in a brawler. It’s a slow, tedious grind to get any damage at all on it. The entire final level cost Runark in my rankings, though I think what’s here is still barely good enough to get a YES! It’s not a spectacular game, but there’s just enough here to make it worth playing a couple times and enjoy the gags and some perfectly fine bland brawling.
Verdict: YES! – $8 in value added to Taito Milestones 3

Rainbow Islands: The Story of Bubble Bobble 2
Platform: Arcade
Released in 1987
Arcade Archives Debut: January 25, 2024

Designed by Fukio Mitsuji
Developed by Taito

It’s all fun and games until someone turns on autofire. By the way, I was so disappointed when I found out Rainbow Islands isn’t a co-op game. How the hell do you make a sequel to Bubble Bobble and not have it be co-op?

In my first run on Rainbow Islands, I made it to the first boss and got a game over quickly. I lasted just a few seconds each life. In my second run I, um, beat the entire game without losing a single life, or using save states. I mean, I was laying down save states because I thought I could turn into a pumpkin any second, but it never happened. I couldn’t believe it. If you’re thinking there has to be a catch, well, define “catch.” I turned the setting down to EASY, but hell, I did that for games like Bubble Bobble and I couldn’t play the games perfectly. Maybe because Rainbow Islands offers to let you input cheat codes automatically. You just pick what you want from a menu, and there are some item-based ones. But, I used a code that allowed me to continue after the 5th level (or 8th, I’m hearing conflicting stuff on where is the normal point of no return) instead of permanently giving me a double or triple rainbow. I also toggled on “IMPROVE GAME OPERATION” which is basically “remove input lag” or at least I think it’s supposed to be. At first, I thought it worked, but when I replayed Rainbow Islands with it turned off, I honestly couldn’t tell the difference.

Here’s a neat optional feature that you can toggle on and off in real time. The REAL object of Rainbow Islands is to get the full assortment of seven different colored diamonds in every world. There’s another hidden layer to this, as the real REAL object of Rainbow Islands is getting the diamonds in sequential order. I didn’t even catch-on until nearly the end of the game that what diamonds are dropped isn’t random. It depends on where the dead enemies land when they’re defeated, and it’s a little trickier than it seems. Many levels go extended stretches without platforms in certain positions on the screen, and if there’s nothing for the enemy’s corpse to land on, it means you don’t have opportunities for diamonds.

I don’t know if any of those things factored-in, but there was something in Taito Milestones 3 the original arcade version didn’t offer that was unquestionably responsible for my ability to cheese the game like I did: autofire. Well, autofire combined with a couple in-game items. For the Taito Milestones/Arcade Archives build, you can map jumping and rainbows to one button, then crank up the autofire to the max and basically fly straight up the center to the goal. Well, provided you pick up the wings, which are a permanent upgrade (as long as you don’t game over) that allow you to jump in mid-air. I also got a fairy that spins around you that was so effective. The collision isn’t pixel-perfect, but in a way that benefits you, and as I scrolled the screen up, my first sighting of enemies was often their now dead bodies flying from being hit by the fairy. Enemies were literally dying as soon as the stage turned-on. Who needs save states? This was a cinch!

See the top-center of the screen? That enemy was instakilled the very microsecond the level loaded. By the way, that’s the 8th world, which is based on Fairyland Story, making Rainbow Islands the best thing to come out of that game.

I was curious if it was autofire or all the other options that Hamster/ININ included, so I took a scientific approach and started turning them off and restoring default settings. I *FINALLY* died on easy mode for the first time in the fourth world, and to my astonishment, I basically suffered no penalty at all. When I came back to life, I still had the wings and the fairy. The only penalty was my triple rainbow was downgraded to a double rainbow. After that slap on the wrist, I decided to abandon that run and restore all the default settings except the 10 figure cheat code (hell, if I’m going to keep playing this, I want to try for the leaderboard). Now on the default NORMAL setting with only three starting lives, surely the game will penalize me for dying. Nope. I only had one death going into world 6-4, when I dropped three consecutive lives. And there was no penalty beyond losing my triple rainbow the first time. I still had my shoes, double rainbow, fairy, and wings. Of course, I’d built up a stockpile of lives by this point (you get one every time you get a full set of diamonds, plus a couple scoring-based ones).

There might have been more enemies on NORMAL, or enemies moved faster, or they were more aggressive with their attack patterns, or all of the above. My strategy of “let the fairy take care of what was above me” was clearly less effective this time. It was usually a projectile that got me instead of the enemies directly. Either way, as long as I came back to life with the wings and the fairy, the odds were always in my favor.

In my very first game, the one where Rainbow Islands annihilated me, what killed me more often than not was accidentally walking up a rainbow I just made that took me directly into an enemy. In my unexpected no-death run on EASY, my strategy was initially to keep my distance. Once I had the triple rainbow, I had enough reach to take out almost everything without getting close. Once I got a feel for how the fairy works, my strategy changed to stay low and let the fairy take care of the stuff above me, which changed to “stay high” on the bosses. I figured they would put up a fight, but I beat ALL of them in a few seconds, a feat I repeated once I switched over to the default settings, though in my NORMAL run I did die once. It was the 8th boss, fittingly a devil that spawned basically on top of me. I suppose they were fun while they lasted.

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Actually, that could be said about Rainbow Islands in general. For as breathtakingly overrated as Rainbow Islands difficulty is, I was never bored. There’s a lot of really fun set pieces, including four worlds themed after other Taito games. You know what’s weird? The only stage that didn’t “do it” for me was the one themed around Bubble Bobble that acts as the finale (provided you get the big diamonds in each of the first seven game worlds). The level design was a little too repetitive and boring in that one. Everything else flew by so fast I didn’t really have time to be bored by it. The combat is satisfying. The graphics are really nice and colorful. Collecting the diamonds added just the right amount of nuance, especially once I realized the screen was divided into seven columns. There’s obviously a lot of flexibility for different ways to tackle each stage. Rainbow Islands might be a little too easy with autofire, but it’s never really dull. My biggest complaint is that it feels like it gives you the bum’s rush. Too many stages give you the “hurry up” warning too quickly, which further compounds how difficult getting the diamonds in the correct order can be. Part of that is waiting for the right moment. Or maybe you have to wait for the wrong diamond to vanish, since if you come near it with a rainbow, even a broken and falling one, you collect it. Rainbow Islands might have taken the hidden content a little too far, but eh, I had fun. That’s all I’ve ever cared about.
Verdict: YES! – $8 in value added to Taito Milestones 3
And I’m awarding $2.50 in bonus value for all the extra options that go beyond common emulator options. More of this type of thing, please.

Rastan Saga
aka Rastan
Platform: Arcade
Released March, 1988
Arcade Archives Debut: May 2, 2024

Directed by Yoshinori Kobayashi
Developed by Taito

Do you know what Rastan’s biggest problem is? It’s not the endless cheap shots, because in fact, there IS an end to them. This is a coin-op. It’d be weird if it didn’t have those. I’ll get into what I mean by that, but for me, far and away the #1 problem Rastan has is that the bosses don’t scale right. I died plenty on bosses 1 – 3, but then I started wasting bosses in a few seconds. The last boss took me all of six seconds to defeat. I beat a couple other bosses that quickly.

My friends and I determined that Conan the Barbarian was the property that has had its serial numbers filed off for purposes of gaming the most in the 80s and 90s. The shirtless, beefy barbarian was such a recognizable gaming staple that Ironsword: Wizards & Warriors II, a game based entirely around a fully-armored knight, put a shirtless barbarian beef boy on the cover. Someone at Acclaim’s marketing had to see the gameplay of Ironsword and say “yea, armor is great and all, but do you know what boys really want to see in their gaming heroes? Pecs and glam rock hair!” When I showed my family Ironsword’s cover, they were baffled, but while I played Rastan Saga today, they weren’t anymore. “Was this popular?” they asked. “It’s not NOT popular! Also, Rastan was never on the NES. It was exclusive to Sega’s platforms” was my reply. “That explains (Ironsword).” Hell though, Rastan isn’t even the first of its kind. Namco’s Dragon Buster came out over three years before it, and Rastan feels like it’s an attempt to improve upon that game specifically. Taito made the most of that three years, because Rastan is superior to Dragon Buster in every imaginable way.

After Volume 3, the biggest Taito game that’s part of Arcade Archives that isn’t in one of the Milestone collections yet is probably Jungle Hunt (the Atari 2600 and 5200 versions of which I reviewed in Atari 50: The Games They Couldn’t Include Part Two). It would have fit in perfectly here, because Rastan genuinely feels like someone said “Jungle Hunt was a big hit for us. What if we did that, only as a combative game?”

I think that a lot of people expected Rastan to receive an easy NO! I think the reason so many people were eager for me to play it is because they expected it to be a prime example of games that were fine at the time but aged badly, probably due to cheap shots. After all the things I heard about it, I expected something much harder than this. But really, Bubble Bobble is far worse in terms of dirty pool from a coin-op. I went as far as to call Bubble Bobble “underhanded” and I stand by that, but Rastan is just good old fashioned cheap. Like with Bubble Bobble, after an initial run where I played on the default settings, I upped the lives to six per quarter and set the difficulty to the lowest setting. With that, Rastan was still cheap, BUT, it was cheap within the acceptable parameters.

I’m almost certain enemies are chosen at random and it’s only the amount that’s consistent.

It helps that Rastan only has a handful of tricks up its sleeve that it repeats constantly. For example, when there’s a slope, you’re almost certain to have either rocks falling down on you or instakill gaps with fireballs on the slope. Once I got the timing down (and once my muscle memory got used to holding UP when I jumped for added lift) I never died on another slope. The challenges based around the slopes were really predictable after a certain point, and it was just a matter of where the enemies would be when I got to the bottom. That’s the Rastan experience in a nutshell.

Rastan suffers the same problem SO MANY action games do: it has these terrifying, imaginative enemies that you would drop dead of a massive heart attack if you encountered in real life. So, what is far and away the most dangerous enemy in the game? Why, it’s the smallest, most insignificant creature that’s an actual real life animal, because OF COURSE IT IS! In Rastan’s case, it’s bats. I never clenched my butthole while fighting manticores or skeletons or medusas, but when I saw bats, I was terrified. It’s because they swarm you and end up binding to your sprite, quickly draining your health. They’re hard to shake off, too. The swarms seem to only happen when you wait around too long, but that wasn’t consistent. Either way, with all the fantastical creatures in the game, it wasn’t exactly good for the immersion that a non-imaginary fruit-eating mammal poses the biggest threat. For the love of God, can’t anyone at least make them look like they’re made of fire or something?

Needless to say, Rastan’s difficulty didn’t live up to expectations, but that’s a good thing. The ropes all behave with the same speed, so it’s just a matter of waiting and not rushing through them. The same goes for the fireballs that bounce up and down the fire pits. It’s the same pattern every time, and once you know it, you know when you can move or not. Hell, even the instakill spikes that pop out of the ground have consistent speeds and become predictable. You never feel like the rug is pulled out from underneath you in Rastan. If you pace yourself and don’t just stomp through the levels with reckless abandon, there’s really no GOTCHA! type of stuff. There’s no last-pixel jumps, not even with the ropes. There’s a couple nearly blind jumps, but none that I remember that were legitimately blind luck.

The closest thing to a “GOTCHA” is water seen here. Between where the rocks are? Yea, that’s an instakill. While the collision detection is fine, it’s not perfect, so you do need to make sure you give yourself as much room as possible when jumping. Believe me, it will become second nature before the credits roll.

And the combat isn’t so tough either. Most enemies die in only a hit or two, and your jumping strike does three times the damage. There’s a decent variety of enemies that come out in seemingly random pairings, but they’re not too tough. A few have projectiles, while others are able to initially block you, but jumping attacks work on most the first time. Hell, one time there were so many enemies when I climbed a rope that I climbed down the way I came, then back up and they were gone. Scrolling is practically your secondary weapon in Rastan. Everyone warned me how hard the final level was, especially since the unlimited continues vanish on it. Die on level six, and it’s game over. But, Rastan had run out of ideas before the finale and, since it keeps going back to the same handful of predictable enemy patterns and obstacles, I ran through the final stage making save states I never needed. This isn’t THAT hard. Even better is that, while it does run out of ideas, it doesn’t overstay its welcome. The whole thing should only take you, even if you die a lot, under an hour.

Here’s one quality of life enhancement that Taito Milestones 3 does have: all the games but Bubble Bobble have autofire. At first, I figured “why’d they even bother with Rastan?” Nothing in the game seemed to require it, and I want to actually press the buttons for the repeated sword strikes anyway. But then I came across this puddle of quicksand. I think this might be the only one in the entire game, too, unless there were others I jumped over. Without autofire, I’d certainly have been stuck in it. Even cranking the autofire up to the max, it took me a while to work my way out of it. I think it’s safe to say I would have lost a life without it here, so hey, good inclusion.

Ultimately, Rastan was always going to live and die based on how well the combat was. I’d heard words like “rigid” or “stiff” and even “awkward” used to describe it. I’ll use a different word: ActRaiser. You know, the SNES game. That’s what Rastan reminded me of. If I asked you “what’s the first game you think of with a beefy dude using two-handed broadsword combat while making his way through basic set pieces that were cutting-edge for their time using stiff movement and heavy jumping while fighting a hodge-podge of assorted beasts taken from various mythologies from all around the globe?” what game would YOU think of? You know how I talk about some games sharing DNA? Well, this doesn’t just share. In the case of Rastan, it feels like ActRasier’s long lost gaming sibling. Not even a prototype, but rather a legit prequel. It’s that close, and if you’re a fan of ActRaiser’s 2D segments, I think there’s a chance you’ll really dig Rastan. I really thought I’d get annoyed that enemies chime when defeated (I think it’s supposed to sound like the clink of a sword), but the combat does have a weight to it. I wish it did more than it does. The best thing I can say about Rastan’s combat is they tailored the game to assure plenty of usage out of the vertical attacks, be it above or below you.

I was lucky enough to carry the axe, which does triple damage, into the final boss fight. For a coin-op where you lose weapons after a certain amount of time, Rastan was surprisingly generous with the weapon drops. The three weapons are placed in the levels in strategic locations and often come with some form of risk/reward to get them, like hovering over a pit. Everything else is dropped by enemies. The ring I have in this shot increases my attack speed, while the armor allegedly prevents damage, though I could swear I saw it decrease anyway a couple times. Also, remember not to drink the red potions. I finished 20th on the Rastan leaderboard I think because I was too stupid to realize the red potions were taking away my health. But you get a big scoring bonus for them. Presumably Rastan was the kid in the school yard who would eat bugs if you paid him enough.

Okay, so Rastan is repetitive, lacks dazzling set pieces that I figured a game like this would absolutely need, and the gameplay is basic. But, it doesn’t matter, because I still have fun. Yea, it feels more antiquated than some games. Side scrolling sword & sorcery games have come a long way in the last thirty-five years. But, what makes Rastan work is it has the perfect tempo for a game like this. There’s no down time at all, but never in an overwhelming “this is TOO intense” type of way. Rastan’s greatest triumph isn’t anything it built, but rather the fine tuned balance. It’s equal parts platforming and combat, and the transition from one to the other is seamless. To steal a pinball term, it has good flow. And here’s why that matters: graphics can age badly and advancements in game design theory can turn a once elite game into something too basic to be enjoyable compared to modern games. But, flow is immune to any aging factors. Good flow in 1988 is good flow in 2024 and beyond. I thought Rastan would be lucky to squeak by with a YES! And I was wrong, because this verdict wasn’t even close.
Verdict: YES! – $8 in value added to Taito Milestones 3

Rastan Saga II
aka Nastar or Nastar Warrior
Platform: Arcade
Arcade Archives Debut: June 20, 2024

Released March, 1989
Designed by Hisaya Yabusaki
Developed by Taito

A walking steroid advertisement foiled yet again by a tiny little turtle monster with a spiked shell on its back. That sword should be able to cleave Everest in half, but it can’t kill these things? Then logically shouldn’t the forces of evil have duct-taped these to themselves?

Holy moly, wow. Rastan Saga II is one of the worst sequels in gaming history. Despite having a similar control scheme, limited weapon upgrades, and nearly equal parts combat and platforming segments, it never feels like it’s tied to the first game. So bad is this that, if I didn’t know the story behind it, or its name, I’d think this was a rip-off of Rastan that mandated bigger character models. Instead of sharing DNA with the original, Rastan Saga II’s closest gaming cousin is Haunted Castle. You know, the Konami arcade version of Castlevania that overdid the character sprites, opting for big, detailed models at the cost of everything enjoyable about playing Castlevania. Rastan II is that for Rastan I.

The shame is, these ARE great character models, and the sound design is pretty good too. You hear the elephant’s trumpet, and then a goddamned skeleton riding a war elephant rides in. This should be awesome, and it’s annoying that it’s not.

The first game wasn’t exactly high art, even for its genre. But the combat and platforming bits were just good enough to let the sublime pacing carry it over the finish line with plenty of room to spare. Rastan II is “what if you did that again, only it’s shorter now. And the combat is flimsy and lightweight while being even more stiff than the original. And what if we made the platforming bits unworkable?” People think the first Rastan is stiff? Try this one. THIS is stiff! I think King Rastan lifted one too many weights, because the guy moves like he’s barefoot on a frozen kitchen floor. That doesn’t matter so much for the action bits, but the platforming wants to do things like ducking while jumping. The designers included plenty of tight squeezes to justify adding that mechanic, but they didn’t polish it at all and it’s awful.

The ropes only work if you grab the base this time. I died five times before I beat this by just walking off the ledge at the right time. Oh, and the only ropes are swinging ones. There’s no climbing ropes. The levels are only as big as the screen, and you just scroll right until you reach a boss.

But, it’s the combat that’s the deal breaker for me. While the character sprites are massive, they have limited movement and there’s no sense of weight or impact to anything done by heroes or enemies. Well, with one possible exception. Inexplicably, Rastan II replaced the axe and the mace weapons with Wolverine-like claws. As silly as that is, it’s the only attack that feels like it has OOMPH to it, but not much more. Since there’s limited animation, it doesn’t matter how imaginative things like war elephant-riding skeletons are. They all feel like cardboard cutouts. Even Haunted Castle didn’t have that problem. It’s so bad that all the sprites feel like they exist in their own dimension. I’ve never seen anything like that in a video game before. It’s so weird! Unlike Rastan Saga, the sequel feels stingy with the power-ups. In the entire play session, I got a flaming sword one time and lost it seconds later, while the worthless gigantic sword I got multiple times.

I beat this guy and then went to the bathroom. I returned to the game, satisfied that I staved off peeing on the couch and ready to continue, only for the end credits to roll. I’d been playing maybe twenty minutes and change of total game time. It doesn’t feel climatic. It just feels spongy.

The only improvement over the first game is that Rastan Saga II has unlimited continues. There’s also a quality-of-life toggle that allows you to turn on the ability for enemies to continue to drop items in the fifth world, so hey, the effort was there. Not that it matters. There’s NOTHING fun about Rastan Saga II. Okay, so the first game didn’t exactly have amazing bosses, but I’d prefer flaying them in four seconds and cheering to myself over slashing mindlessly at one for a minute with no end in sight. Suddenly, I realize why Rastan died a miserable death as a franchise. The only value I see in Rastan II is to game design students. I’m not even joking when I say I think there’s value in having them play both games. Because the sequel really does hit most of the same beats as the original, and I’d even argue the pacing is spot-on. The problem is that, this go around, the individual components are terribly done. We need a destroyer for this barbarian.
Verdict: NO!

Thunder Fox
Platform: Arcade
Released June, 1990
Designed by Hiroyuki Maekawa
Arcade Archives Debut: January 30, 2025
Developed by Taito

The hero looks almost exactly like the 1990 version of He-Man. Add a ponytail and it’d be uncanny.

Oof. This was so close to getting a YES! that it was right there, and the bosses threw it away. Thunder Fox is so generic that it feels like a joke. I kind of admire that they wanted to cram as many action tropes as possible into a relatively short game. There’s side-scrolling levels where you can hijack cars. There’s a brief side-shmup segment, and once it’s over, you can continue to ride your hovercraft into the normal part of the level until it’s too damaged to go on. There’s a Metroid-like “escape the base” segment in the middle of the game, and that’s followed by a jet skiing section that ends on a submarine and, Christ, this is starting to sound like a Fast & Furious movie. Thunder Fox is Generic Action Man’s Action Game, and it’s trying so damn hard, but it’s just not good. Like, come on, Taito! You went to all this effort and you couldn’t even include an upward attack?

This lasts maybe a minute and only has one type of enemy. This kind of genre mash-up used to impress me, but the more that I think about it, the more I hate it when games do this. If you’re going to shoehorn a shmup into your non-shmup game, at least have some variety to it! Because here’s the thing, developers: WE ALL PLAY THIS GENRE TOO! If someone has put money up to play Thunder Fox, you can bet that money that we play every other action game. You’re not blowing our minds because one second, we were slashing guys with knives and now we’re flying in the sky. This sh*t is old hat for everyone, so you might as well go all-out for the minute your game is a shmup. Why bother doing this if you’re going to be conservative about it? You’re not impressing us with a single enemy type and one background. Not that I think Thunder Fox needs more bosses, because they were the bad parts of the game, but hell, do a shmup boss! Otherwise, we’re going to walk away from the segment thinking “well, that was boring. I hope it doesn’t do that again.”

If Thunder Fox had controlled more like Contra, it probably could have overcome the ruinous bosses and still squeaked by with a tepid YES! But, the combat is downright bizarre. This is the rare Taito Milestones release with three buttons. One is jump, naturally, while one is the knife/melee attack and the other is firing the guns you pick up. If you pick up a gun but want to save your ammo, you can beat people with the butt of the gun. However, this isn’t as fast as the default weapon: a Rambo-like knife that’s easily more effective than any gun except the flamethrower. I didn’t like using any of the bullet-based guns. Why? Because in Thunder Fox, firing a gun is a slower way of mowing down enemies than swiping with the knife, which allows you to cut through swarms of enemies. Whose bright idea was that?

I got a bit of a chuckle out of the jet ski section, where a helicopter rains enemies down on you who don’t seem to care whether or not they miss. I wonder how that meeting went? “Phil, you’re flying the helicopter. Carl, you’re on a jet ski. Brad, we’re giving you a knife and pushing you out of the chopper. Try to hit the guy before the impact shatters your body. If you do manage to connect, our experts estimate it’ll decrease his life by three full bars!” “And I’ll die?” “Yes, you’ll die.” “On impact?” “I mean, hopefully!” “Well, if it was only two bars of health, I’d probably have more questions, but if it’s three bars, what the hell, I’m in!”

And guns are spectacularly worthless against bosses, assuming you even have one when you enter the battles. A few of the bosses are armed themselves, and they literally hold their weapons as shields to block EVERY shot you fire. Not just some shots. ALL OF THEM. I never hit a single one with a bullet. Not even once. I had to use the knife and accept a ton of damage. That’s where the game falls apart. I’m pretty sure I spent more time fighting bosses than I did playing the game. One in particular was where I drew the line. It’s a wrecking ball where you have to hit a tiny gun that pokes out once in a while for about a second. While this is happening, two lasers shoot you from the ceiling. In previous stages, the same lasers could be destroyed with a few knife whacks, but these two are indestructible and move around, with the left one parking right under the thing you have to hit. And while this is happening, the wrecking ball drops, causing bits of the ceiling to cave in. You can’t get on the structure, then duck and hit it. Your knife goes right over the target, which is where immersion dies. I mean come on, the guy can’t aim a little lower? This is the worst boss I’ve ever seen in a game like this. Even with the game set to give me five lives per credit, I still had to reload five or six times playing this thing. The window to actually cause damage is so small and so covered by crap from all angles. This is a legit quarter shakedown at this point, and it’s beyond shameful.

Not that Generic Action Man was a great game up to this point, but it was okay. The enemies are a little too repetitive, and the guns weren’t worth using with the exception of the flamethrower, mostly because it had coverage and didn’t wear out too fast. I also liked that one boss and one mini-boss required you to use grenades dropped by enemies in order to damage them. There’s some legit good stuff here, but everything that comes after the jet ski section is a slog, especially the bosses. A few of them barely move. They just wait for you to attack so they can counter attack. And hell, if you don’t beat the last boss fast enough, you have to start the fight over from the beginning. When I finally beat him, I did it by dropping any effort at elegance and finesse and just spamming the attack button, hoping to do more damage than he did, and it worked. A lot of times, I get frustrated with bosses but I can look the other way if getting to them is good, but in the case of Thunder Fox, they just took the shameless money grubbing too far. If Taito hadn’t been so f*cking greedy, maybe they would have had their own version of Contra and Thunder Fox would be remembered as one of the more decent games in this oversaturated genre. But, they just had to make the bosses so cheap and boring that it ruins the whole game.
Verdict: NO!

Warrior Blade: Rastan Saga Episode III
Platform: Arcade
Released May, 1992
Arcade Archives Debut:  December 19, 2024
Directed by Kenji Kaido
Developed by Taito
NEVER RELEASED OUTSIDE OF JAPAN

Whoever did this sequence is obviously a big fan of Jason and the Argonauts. I was so impressed. This is a 1992 game, yet these skeletons are animated with a sort of stop-motion-like movement to make it look just like the famous skeleton fight from the movie. It’s wonderful!

Note: I wrote this review before the Arcade Archives release, which happened ten days after the publication of this review.

If I were ININ, I’d fight tooth and nail to keep Warrior Blade from getting an Arcade Archives release. Not only is it the killer app of Taito Milestones 3, but it’s the best game in the entire Taito Milestones franchise. I assume at some point they’re going to do a Taito box set, and this right here is your anchor game. As much fun as I had with Liquid Kids in Volume 2, that had several moments of brutal difficulty spikes. I’m not quite sure that Warrior Blade ever reaches the peaks of Liquid Kids, but I give it the trophy for “best game ever in Taito Milestones” by a pretty big margin because there’s no down time at all. Warrior Blade is always fun, from start to finish. It’s seriously one of the best arcade brawlers I’ve played, and I’ve done quite a few. For a while, Indie Gamer Chick was practically a brawler review-centric website. What can I say? I love a good ole fashioned brawler that puts the focus on wacky fun. Warrior Blade does exactly that. Best of all, the difficulty settings in the dip switches are, you know, accurate! Often, “EASY” in coin-ops means “still so brutal that it’s practically hateful” but not Warrior Blade. In fact, I recommend that beat ’em up veterans leave it on NORMAL, only adjusting to EASY when you play with newcomers to the genre. Even on NORMAL, this is never unfair. No cheap shots. No GOTCHAs. No sponge. I literally can’t believe this is a Taito arcade game.

If Warrior Blade had twelve characters to choose from, I’d have beaten it twelve times and never got bored. Sadly, it only has three. Also, this is two player only, which I made a mistake during my co-op sessions and conscripted Sasha and Angela, only to find out that I only needed one. So awkward.

On the plus side, each character feels COMPLETELY different from the others. It’s not simply a few sliders being adjusted, like with Growl/Runark. I’d go so far as to say they all three characters radically change the feel of the game. Sophia, who uses a whip, was my least favorite of the three. Whips are a brawler stalwart, but they’re usually temporary weapons that you pick up and eventually lose. That’s fine, by the way, because it becomes a big deal when you get one. Sophia’s whip is permanent, and it’s oddly not very satisfying. Either Rastan or the ridiculously named Dewey are much more fun to use. But, even the worst character in Warrior Blade has value. I played with Sasha, who is still getting used to brawlers. Sasha tried playing as both Rastan and Dewey, but she was much more effective with Sophia. That character is excellent for beginners because she has range, making it much easier for a novice to contribute without having to directly enter the mob. And by the way, my biggest knock is that this is a two player game. There’s three characters and a HUGE playfield, but only two players? Lame.

“What’s up with the screen?” Yea, this is one of those wacky Taito widescreen games. Not nearly as big as Darius II’s triple screen. This is only double. ININ and Hamster included a ton of options, including allowing users to add all the true-to-arcades misalignment of the screens or having the colors not match jank that they want. I got asked a few times if there’s a two monitor option. There is not, though hopefully the next Nintendo device uses this.

Rastan himself is the typical side-scrolling beat ’em up character. Cut and paste from any game, really, but obviously the closest comparison is Golden Axe’s main character. Dewey, meanwhile, is like a cross between a Ninja Turtle and a tweaker. He moves super fast and does flippy moves and feels so completely out of place in this sword & sorcery setting, and I love it. I thought I’d hate playing as a ninja in this game and instead I ran through Warrior Blade twice with him, once solo and once in co-op. You can also swap characters between lives. There’s one unique setting I should note: Warrior Blade is normally a branching-paths game. When a game is this good, I hate that. I want to experience EVERYTHING in a single playthrough. When I reviewed Castlevania III: Dracula’s Curse, I used a ROM hack that had every level. I suspect I would get along just fine with the original developers of Warrior Blade, because they actually have a toggle that lets players go through all 14 stages in every session. Turn it on! As soon as you boot it up, go to the options and set “Total Stage No.” to “14.” You’re only adding a couple minutes to the overall runtime, but every single minute of Warrior Blade is sublime, and you don’t want to miss it.

You want set pieces? Here’s your set pieces! I officially want the team who made this to reunite for a Game of Thrones brawler.

I was stunned by how much action they squeezed out of two buttons. The attacks feel nice and OOMPHful, though not quite Capcom-levels of impact. But, there’s lots of little details to make up the difference and some of the best animation I’ve seen for a game from this era. The character models are especially impressive, and even normally generic baddies have attention to detail. During the horseback set piece, I was pretty impressed that they even took the care to have the horses collapse the right way. It’s a violent game, but that’s what I want from this genre anyway. If I’m disappointed about anything, it’s that almost every basic enemy has the same tiny, subtle blood-swipe effect when they blink out of existence. I’d prefer if they collapsed first, then vanished. It’s nit-picky, but it stood out to me. Hey, don’t look at me like that! The game calls attention to it! When most enemies die and vanish, they let out a scream that sounds exactly like Cobra Commander if he stepped on a tack. You think I’m joking, but listen to it!

I seriously looked up to see if it really was Chris Latta‘s voice! I don’t care what anyone says: that is definitely Starscream, and it gets a little distracting that one specific “YAAAHHHH” is heard pretty much continuously throughout the entire game. Well, provided you actually fight the enemies. Yea, that’s Warrior Blade’s big twist: combat is optional. I mean, you have to fight the bosses of course, but before them? If you want to lay waste to their minions, have at it! If not, run! Unlike most brawlers, there’s no invisible crosswalk light that activates as soon as you beat the latest wave of enemies. If you want to just ignore the baddies, you can. And you won’t even have to run that far to get to the boss. Levels are very short. The first stage is maybe thirty seconds long. Forty seconds. Somewhere in that ballpark. In my first couple sessions, I was always caught off guard by how soon bosses appeared in levels. This is one of the fastest-paced brawlers I’ve ever played, easily.

One of my biggest pet-peeves is characters in brawlers lingering to the edge of the screen. Warrior Blade’s ahead-of-its-time widescreen mostly prevents that. Instead, the playfield is a little squashed, and so sometimes you miss seeing stuff because of the status bar. This is especially true of a couple bosses. Kinda annoying but I prefer this to most brawlers, especially since the action flocks to the center of the screen instead of the fringes.

So, why even engage at all? Well, because enemies drop items and currency that you automatically cash in after every stage for a health boost. I’ve never seen a brawler structured like Warrior Blade, but it speaks volumes to how solid the combat is that I never wanted to skip it. It’s fun, plain and simple. Nothing too spongy. Nothing overwhelmingly dangerous. But, if you’re going for a high score (and points don’t carry over between credits), the fight or flight option adds strategic flexibility, which means this is the rare brawler where you can develop your own game plan. Hell, after the quick intro stage, you can even take the four main three-part levels in any order, and each offers a pair of unique permanent buffs for completing. My longtime readers know that, when it comes to coin-ops, I put a LOT of stock in being able to come up with your own strategies. This is the rare brawler that leans heavily into that. It’s refreshing!

Whereas the first two games were equal parts platforming and combat, Warrior Blade is very clearly a brawler. The platforming stuff is kept to a minimum, but when it shows up, I was pretty impressed at how well-timed it was implemented. The segments that are “traditionally Rastan” for lack of a better term, IE hopping over gaps or climbing on ropes, are spaced out when you need something, anything, to break-up gameplay that could devolve into mindless button mashing. It might only be two or three jumps, but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t always happen at the right moment. And, you can incorporate the environment into the combat. Throwing is easy, and I had a lot of fun throwing guys into gaps or timing-based traps. This game slaps.

The weakest link in the game is easily the magic. It’s also the strangest way of handling it I’ve ever experienced. You don’t cast spells yourself. An NPC wizard waddles behind you, sometimes. Actually, it’s even weirder because this is a dip switch setting, where you can make the wizard an item that’s found via a crystal or just have him automatically show up at the beginning of stages. I played most games with him as a crystal because the thought of having him around full-time was nuts to me. When you want to cast a spell you, ahem, hit the wizard. I’m not joking.

“Hey old timer, what are you standing around for? Kill these guys for me!”

It’s so weird, and it gets weirder. For the most part, Warrior Blade isn’t one of those brawlers where the main challenge is getting yourself on the same plane as the enemies. One boss is like that, but otherwise, lining-up with your foes isn’t an issue. But, it is for the wizard. Half the time, when I really needed a spell to bail me out, I swung and missed for my first several attempts at smacking the guy. Even though the same strikes would have hit an enemy with the same alignment, I totally whiffed the wizard. Maybe it’s for the best. His spells are so far beyond over-indulgent. There’s a couple that don’t pause the game, and I only saw him actually hit one of those once. Usually when he shot those, he was facing the wrong direction. But, if you have plenty of magic, he casts spells that come complete with a lingering title card and a dramatic special effect. It’s going to be several seconds before you get to resume playing the game. It’s awful.

Six times. I played this game six times, and this was the only time I cast this spell. If there’s a way to control what he casts, I haven’t figured it out. I know there’s an item that causes the “valuable” meteor show, but I don’t see what’s so valuable about it. The bombs that freeze enemies or put them to sleep are still functionally “clear all” spells, only you have to manually resolve them.

I’d be fine with these spells if they ate up the entire magic bar. That’s how it should be, because they’re basically bombs, right? That’s another brawling staple that’s time-tested, and the reason they work is they’re used sparingly. But, these big spells might only take a quarter of your magic bar, and refills are all over the place. So, when the wizard is around, the game is constantly pausing for the same two or three spells cast over and over. That’s fine, though, right? Just don’t cast spe….. oh wait, that’s right. It’s not a button. It’s a dude in the middle of a battlefield that does this. While I was constantly struggling to hit the guy on purpose in two or fewer swings, the wizard was constantly getting hit by accident, especially in co-op. It’s the worst, and I wish they’d done anything else because it absolutely murders the pace of the game. What were they thinking? Tone back the casting phase, which takes quite a while, to a second or so and this wouldn’t be so bad. Hell, if it was nearly instantaneous, I’d probably have done a paragraph on how much I loved the wizard and what a great idea it was. Instead, it’s the one blemish on an otherwise genuine beat ’em up masterpiece.

This boss wasn’t exactly epilepsy friendly. Looks cool, though.

Again, I think Liquid Kids’ highest highs were greater than Warrior Blade’s. But, few games are as consistently good as it. Remove the wizard and I think we’d be talking “greatest arcade brawler of its time” here. It’s a damn shame this never came out in America. Do you know what’s really funny? The Taito collections of MY childhood were Taito Legends. There were two of them plus another for the PSP, over seventy total Taito games, and Warrior Blade wasn’t one of them. Wild! People are going to be buying Taito Milestones 3 for Bubble Bobble and Rastan, but I really think this is the one that they’ll keep coming back to. I think this is the one they’ll show friends. It’s fantastic. Yea, it’s probably just a more souped-up version of Golden Axe and now I have to review all those in 2025 now to keep the cosmic scales balanced. But, this was the last game I played in Taito Milestones 3, and I couldn’t put it down for a full day. Great controls. Awesome combat. Varied combat, which really surprised me. Tons of personality. It’s a damn good looking game too. Warrior Blade should not be a lost treasure. It should not be a hidden gem. Maybe now, it’ll finally get its due, because folks, this was a truly great video game.
Verdict: YES! – $8 in value added to Taito Milestones 3
Winner: Best game in Taito Milestones 3

And I’ll throw in a $1 bonus for all the video options.

FINAL TALLY

YES! – 7 games totaling $56 in value.
NO! – 3 games
Bonus Value: $8.50
Goal: $40 in value
Actual value of Taito Milestones 3 – $64.50
$39.99 smacked a wizard in the making of this review.
A review copy was supplied by ININ for this feature so it could be up before the release date. I’ve purchased a full physical copy which I’m giving to my niece.

COMPLETE TAITO MILESTONES RANKINGS

  1. Warrior Blade (Taito Milestones 3)
  2. Liquid Kids (Taito Milestones 2)
  3. Metal Black (Taito Milestones 2)
  4. Darius II (Taito Milestones 2)
  5. Elevator Action (Taito Milestones 1)
  6. Rastan (Taito Milestones 3)
  7. Bubble Bobble* (Taito Milestones 3)
  8. Qix (Taito Milestones 1)
  9. Rainbow Island (Taito Milestones 3)
  10. Cadash (Taito Milestones 3)
  11. Kiki KaiKai (Taito Milestones 2)
  12. Champion Wrestler (Taito Milestones 3)
  13. Legend of Kage (Taito Milestones 2)
  14. Runark/Growl (Taito Milestones 3)
  15. Halley’s Comet (Taito Milestones 1)
  16. Alpine Ski (Taito Milestones 1)
    TERMINATOR LINE
  17. Thunder Fox (Taito Milestones 3)
  18. The NewZealand Story (Taito Milestones 2)
    *Single Player Bubble Bobble goes here.
  19. Dead Connection (Taito Milestones 3)
  20. Gun & Frontier (Taito Milestones 2)
  21. The Fairyland Story (Taito Milestones 1)
  22. Chack’n Pop (Taito Milestones 1)
  23. Space Seeker (Taito Milestones 1)
  24. Front Line (Taito Milestones 1)
  25. Rastan Saga II (Taito Milestones 3)
  26. Ben Bero Beh (Taito Milestones 2)
  27. Wild Western (Taito Milestones 1)
  28. Dino Rex (Taito Milestones 2)
  29. The Ninja Warriors (Taito Milestones 1)
  30. Solitary Fighter (Taito Milestones 2)

What is the best Taito Milestones set?
Here are the average rankings for each set!

Taito Milestones 1: 19.0
Taito Milestones 2: 15.5
Taito Milestones 3: 12.0

What I’m Playing #25 – Definitive Review Mayhem

I haven’t updated in a bit because I’m neck-deep in two Definitive Reviews, and they take a lot of time and work. Definitive Reviews and “The Games They Couldn’t Include” have become my blog’s signature features, and that’s awesome because they’re so much fun to do. For all the time and effort they take, it means the world to me that people dig them to the degree they do. And I’ve got a couple more planned for next year. My Taito Milestones reviews have done well, so what if I give them “The Games They Couldn’t Include” treatment? The home ports of the thirty featured games, assuming there are home ports. And I just bought Wonder Boy Anniversary Collection. I’ve never played any of these except the arcade original (which I reviewed a terrible remake of) and Wonder Boy III: The Dragon’s Trap (which, again, I reviewed the remake of). The rest of the games? I’m going into them icy cold, and I’m so excited. This will not be the type of review I can do all at once, so I have no time window for when I’ll get it done. Six total games, but twenty-one total builds. It could take some time.

I’m going to try to have Power Rangers up by the end of next week. And no matter what, Taito Milestones 3: The Definitive Review is going to be posted on Monday. I wanted to do a ton of bonus reviews with it, but I’m crunching for time so it’s likely to only include one bonus review: for Parasol Stars, which I bought for this feature. It’s sold separately on every platform, and it has quality of life features that I’ll cover. Tetris Forever: The Definitive Review will be posted Christmas Eve and feature full reviews of all 18 included games plus a ton of games they couldn’t (or wouldn’t) include. Seriously, I’ve already completed the release plus all its games PLUS twenty reviews and counting, including some weird stuff.

AND, on top of all that stuff I have to work on, we just got the date for Williams Pinball Volume 8. It’s next week. We’ll try to have those reviews up ASAP. The tables are Banzai Run, Earthshaker, and Black Knight 2000. Folks, this could be the strongest three table collection in years. For Pinball Arcade, I rated Black Knight 2000 the 10th best table out of 100. Angela also rated it #10, as did Jordi. Oscar was #21, while crotchety old Dave was the lowest at #32. While I’m discussing the Pinball Arcade rankings, Earthshaker I had at #19 out of 100, while Angela was #11, with nobody else liking it as much as we did. We’re Pat Lawlor fangirls. Speaking of Lawlor, Banzai Run is the greatest novelty table of all time. For Pinball Arcade, I rated Banzai Run #21 out of 100. Jordi was the highest at #12 (and MASTERPIECE status) while Oscar was #17. We’re VERY excited for this collection.

So, what AM I playing?

Taito Milestones 3, no matter what, will be published this Monday. I’m four games away from completing it, and while I’m almost certainly not going to have time to include all the bonus reviews I wanted, I am going to try to have Parasol Stars be part of it. I’ve put a LOT work into this feature and tried to do co-op where possible. In the case of Bubble Bobble, it was single-handedly responsible for its YES! verdict. If you’re anxious for Tuesday’s release, hey, Taito Milestones 3 is going to win my Seal of Approval and probably be the Milestones release with the most YES! votes. But, is it really the best?

The current scoreboard. The * in Bubble Bobble’s YES! is because I gave it a NO! for solo play. If you have no playing partner, I don’t think Bubble Bobble is very good as a single player experience. With a partner? Yea, it’s for sure the stuff of legends.

“Look at me! I’m Wolverine!”

The feature will include rankings of all thirty games that have been part of Milestones 3, and so far. Until I played Cadash, the top three (Liquid Kids, Metal Black, and Darius II) were all from Taito Milestones 2, and the #4 ranked game (Elevator Action) was from Taito Milestones 1. As of this writing, I’m not even entirely sure Cadash is cracking that top three. That top three is a very solid collection of games. I don’t think Cadash has defeated Metal Black, so it comes down to Darius II. Despite being different genres, Darius II has all the same problems as Cadash: too many cheap shots. It gets old. It’ll be interesting to see where the remaining four games fall. Oh, and I made mincemeat out of Rainbow Islands, a game everyone told me was super hard. It ain’t super hard, as long as you have autofire and get the right items. But, I had fun. The only game I can’t say that for is Rastan Saga II. Yikes! We’ll see the final results on Monday. Until then, I have to beat Cadash for a fourth time.

What I’m Playing #24

Your favorite Atari games, only played with.. um.. popsicles? Paint brushes? Dip switches in the correct position?

My friend Ryan got the Atari 2600+ to try out. I’m waiting for one with more modern console-like features, especially built-in media capture/upload and digital stores. Besides, I’m sort of over carts. I took a “no plastic pledge” at the start of this generation (IE Nintendo Switch), which I didn’t completely stick to, but it’s not my fault. Most of the physical media I own was given to me as gifts. You can’t wrap digital data for Christmas or birthdays. I have hundreds upon hundreds of Switch games, but only around fifty physical games, and they’re mostly Nintendo ones or retro collections. It’s the same story with PlayStation and Xbox. Loaded with games, but very little in the way of physical ones. And it’s made no difference in my life. I only beat most games once, then put them away and they sit, occupying a shelf or sitting in a box somewhere. Who needs that? I get that people are upset about physical media coming to an end, but it’s something we probably all should get used to, and I’m getting ahead of the curve. With that said, I do have a lot of Evercade carts, BUT THAT’S DIFFERENT! So, what AM I playing?

That dinosaur died, and 65,000,000 years later, a beverage company found the fossilized remains and the CEO said “this dinosaur died via orange crush. Hey, wait a second, let’s call our soft drink.. Dr. Pepper!” Where did you think that story was going?

“Where the hell is Tetris Forever?” It’s done, but I’m adding bonus content and there’s so much I want to get to that I’m making it my Christmas feature this year. Last year, LCD Games IX and LCD Games X – Game & Watch Gallery: The Definitive Review did great, and reviewing EVERY Game & Watch is going to be tough to top. Then, I realized that the Tetris thing I’m already working on is better. That’s fine, as I have another collection to do: Taito Milestones 3. There will be no delay in it. The review will go live December 9 (I originally had the release date as December 8, but it’s actually December 10), no matter what. Bonus reviews are limited by time. There are a couple, but I’m only revealing one right now. It’s Parasol Stars, which you can also buy on all consoles. And hey, this means one Definitive Review will have the first three Bubble Bobble games, which I think everyone will enjoy. Unlike the games of Taito Milestones 3, I’ve already played Parasol Stars all the way. It was a surprise highlight for me in the TurboGrafx-16 mini. I *really* liked it. So, here’s the Taito Milestones 3 lineup.

The lineup, and before yesterday, I had never played any of the games on there, or at least the arcade versions, except Bubble Bobble.

There’s a pretty strong chance my time with one game, Runark (or Growl as it’s called in Taito 3 since that’s the American name) will be extremely limited due to epilepsy concerns. No matter what, there will be a review in the feature for Runark even if I can’t write it. Unlike Tetris, most of these games are sold separately via Arcade Archives for $7.99 each. Therefore, like Taito 1 and 2, I won’t assign different values to games. A YES! is worth exactly $8 in value to Taito Milestones 3. Three of its games (Dead Connection, Thunder Fox, and Warrior Blade: Rastan Saga III) are exclusive to Taito Milestones 3. You cannot get them via Arcade Archives, but I’m keeping the value at $8 because they run off Arcade Archives’ interface. Based on my early sampling, my prediction is 5 YES!, 5 NO!, which is good enough for my Seal of Approval, but that is obviously not final. I’m not even really finished with the games I’ve written most of the review for. That’s because I haven’t gotten to co-op yet, and most of these are co-op. It’s Turkey Day in America, and to help my nieces and nephew, who will no doubt be bored waiting for dinner, I’m going to force them to play co-op with me ask politely for them to play co-op with me.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Hug your loved ones. Tell them you love them.

Castlevania Chronicles (PlayStation Review)

Castlevania Chronicles
aka Akumajō Dracula

Platform: PlayStation
Released May 24, 2001
Directed by Masayuki Umasaki
Developed by Konami
NO MODERN RELEASE*

*Castlevania Chronicles appears to be fully delisted from all global PlayStation platforms, but I was unable to confirm this.

Hey, if the Simpsons can get away with Halloween in November, why can’t I?

I nearly did Castlevania Chronicles for Halloween, but I lost interest thinking it was little more than a remake of the first game. Hey, I have much love in my heart for the first Castlevania, but I’ve already reviewed it, so I chose to do Dracula X instead. Besides, I didn’t even have a PlayStation emulator up and running, so all I had was my Vita, wherever the hell it is. I bought Chronicles (or got it with PS+, I don’t remember which) but I don’t remember ever booting it up. Well, Chronicles has a lot in common with Dracula X. They’re both remakes of the original Castlevania. I know that Dracula X is supposed to technically be an alternative take on Rondo of Blood, but I mean.. come on. It’s a back-to-basics Castlevania, only with new level design and “fancy” graphics that are actually pretty damn bland. That sentence is about Dracula X, but it PERFECTLY describes Chronicles, except the bland part. This isn’t just a graphical overhaul along the lines of what Super Mario All-Stars did for the NES Mario games. This has new set pieces, new bosses, removes other bosses (or demotes them to one-off mini-bosses), and features seven entirely (or almost entirely) new levels. And that’s a real pain in my ass because I thought this would be a fun little quickie review to buy me time while I work on the bonus reviews for Tetris Forever: The Definitive Review and it turns out this is a whole new game that I’ve never played before. Well f*ck.

There’s something about fighting a normal Merlin-like wizard that feels completely out of place in a Castlevania game. This is like the type of boss you’d expect in one of the Game Boy Castlevanias, and in fact, this is apparently the same boss from Belmont’s Revenge. Hell, the thing in the center of the screen, which is just an attack by the wizard, should have been the boss.

Actually, it’s worse than that, because this game was first released in July of 1993 for the Sharp X68000 exclusively in Japan as Akumajō Dracula. Castlevania Chronicles is a remake/reimagining of a remake/reimagining of a game that’s then re-remade/re-reimagined a third time. You can play the “original” game from 1993, which I was certain was going to be a beat-for-beat remake of Castlevania 1. It’s not. Then you can play “Arrangement” which I figured would change up the level design. It doesn’t. Both games are, more or less, the same game, though Arrangement’s difficulty is rebalanced. The only other difference is your character’s appearance and the final boss’s appearance. They didn’t even change the backgrounds. Here’s nearly the same screenshot above, only it’s taken in the “normal” mode.

I played this version first, by the way.

Only a few special effects have been added. The giant bat you fight at the end of the first level plays identically, but now it has a spooky motion blur when it moves. I mean, sometimes, but not all the time. Oooooh. The arrange mode is a lot easier, too, though I’d be hard-pressed to explain why. The original game ate me for lunch so badly that I opted to play with save states instead of lives, but I ran through Arrange mode only losing one life the entire time. Maybe I was taking less damage, but if that’s the case, the effect is so subtle I didn’t instinctively notice. Apparently this mode has adjustable difficulty, but I have more Tetris to play and I really thought I was playing a remake of Castlevania 1 that I could knock out in a few hours, so I never experimented with the difficulty settings. Whatever was the default is what I played on. I know that I unlocked concept art when I finished, and there’s also an interview with producer Koji Igarashi, making this one of the first games with DVD-like extras (Digital Eclipse was doing this too with their Arcade’s Greatest Hits line).

If you think this is grainy, try imagining it on the Sega CD.

Only the first level and the final battle with Dracula resembles the original Castlevania, but besides those, only tiny chunks of stages show up. The “Infamous Hallway” leading to the Grim Reaper fight is here, only it takes place in front of a crumbling mural and other spooky paintings. Fun fact: the mural can be any of the four seasons, depending on the X68000’s internal clock. The original PlayStation doesn’t have a clock, but a code can change the date, which changes the mural. The section of the final level where you have to jump over pits while fighting and/or avoiding multiple giant bats that you fought as the first boss? That’s here. And.. actually, that’s about it. In fact, all the other levels feel completely different from the original game, and so do the bosses except Dracula. Medusa is no longer just a giant head. The mummies are gone completely. Frankenstein is a one-off set-piece mini-boss (I wanted to see how many hyphens I could get in a row). The Grim Reaper is a total push-over, and Dracula isn’t far behind him. Hell, the holy water isn’t the be-all, end-all to beat the game anymore. The boomerang is much more effective than it ever has been, as it does more damage than the whip, easily.

Calling “The Creature” a mini-boss is a little unfair. He might not have a life bar or the boss music, but he IS a boss that takes about the same hits (or maybe just a little less) than a normal boss. The timing of when the electrodes wake him up is totally off, though. You don’t see it come to life, but otherwise, this is functionally a mid-level boss battle that’s more exciting and intense than a couple of the real bosses, even including the Grim Reaper. There’s other mini-boss set-pieces. A stained-glass window shatters and comes to life, Young Sherlock-style (it’s so close that it’s a safe bet the producers of Chronicles were big fans of the film), and you fight a giant skeletal spider at one point.

The biggest problem with Chronicles is it has a massive tone problem. Yes, Castlevania is inherently silly, but what I think makes the original games work is they never say “oh, we know it’s ridiculous.” All those early games, including Super Castlevania IV, are totally sincere, so what should be an absurd farce actually does become genuinely scary at times. Castlevania never gets enough credit for that, but all that crap is out the window in Castlevania Chronicles. At one point you enter.. um.. what the hell is this?

Dracula’s day care center? I guess? A gigantic play room that sees you fighting dolls and toy soldiers. Dolls can be creepy, and the dolls in Chronicles are actually some of the tougher normal baddies to deal with in the entire game. But, stylistically, it didn’t work the way they dressed it up. It feels like a satire of Castlevania, but this isn’t the only part like that. In the second-to-last level, my jaw literally dropped when skeleton jump ropes appeared. Not just skeleton jump ropes, but DOUBLE DUTCH-STYLE skeleton jump ropes. Maybe these would have been fun and frisky set pieces for the early parts of the game, but they come in the last third of Chronicles, and they’re just too absurd to hold the mood Castlevania aims for. What was the pitch meeting the monsters made to Dracula for the jump rope? “Okay, we know that the Belmonts have defeated us for, like, century after century, but hear us out! We have a plan that will surely prevent this Simon character from ever making it to you. You know how nobody likes exercise, right? Well, what if..”

This was apparently not a fever dream I had. I double-checked and everything! This is real! That or I just uploaded a picture of a blank screen and my readers are checking with friends to make sure I’m okay.

If I didn’t know better, I’d think this game came out in the 2020s. It’s Castlevania based around subversion of expectations. Like you know the first piece of meat you find in the first Castlevania game? I gave that a whole paragraph in the Castlevania review because it was the perfect example of how to educate a player. They put a bat in front of it in order to assure players whipped the wall, revealing the meat and showing that Castlevania is a game with breakable walls. Well, that wall is back in Chronicles, only when you whip the wall, this happens now:

Since it’s hard to see them, yes, those are the jumping men. An endless stream of them, and that’s not an exaggeration. Tons of them keep spilling out until you leave the room.

That’s just a dick move extraordinaire right there. What’s frustrating about stuff like that is Castlevania Chronicles is, more often than not, pretty dang clever with its level design. This isn’t a half-hearted assortment of platforms and staircases, like Dracula X. Chronicles is solid from start to finish. I just beat it twice, and I could have kept going and challenged the time attack modes (unlocked after beating Arrangement) without being bored. It’s certainly not perfect. The difficulty curve is all over the place and some needless last pixel jumps somewhat spoil the fun. The new bosses are a little on the generic side, with the exception of the best werewolf fight in Castlevania. It takes place in front of a clock, and it actually throws the numbers off the face of the clock at you, then grabs the minute hand and uses it as a melee weapon when it’s down to its final ticks of health.

The remake of the original final battle with Dracula includes no real surprises, which was a bit disappointing. Hell, the final form doesn’t even have a different sprite in Arrangement, like the first does. However, I love how big the boss is, so I’ll let it slide.

I won’t say that Chronicles has a bad reputation, as contemporary reviews I think were more middling thanks to the timing of release. People wanted new in 2001, not old. The PlayStation 2 was already out by the time Chronicles was released, and the GameCube and Xbox were literally just about to come out, but Castlevania wasn’t so old that it qualified as “retro.” Had this come out today, in 2024, I honestly think it’d get 9s and 10s from critics. Instead of a “bad reputation” I’d argue that Chronicles has the WRONG reputation. It’s just not a remake, period, end of story. Try to imagine it as the REAL Castlevania II that happened just before Dracula’s Curse. On those terms, Chronicles is actually kind of the perfect sequel.

It also makes a lot of bone-headed decisions, like having the skeleton spider, a one-off set piece, be obscured by the status bar. We might reach the remake singularity, but screw it: someone really ought to remake this again, because this is easily the most underrated of the linear Castlevanias.

If this had an entirely different first level, they could have done exactly that, retconning Simon’s Quest out of existence and substituting Chronicles as “Castlevania II: Simon’s Chronicles” or something like that. There’s more levels (eight instead of six), better combat (you can whip downward and down-diagonal when you jump) and bigger set-pieces, but there’s still a direct line between the first game and this one. A subtly of evolution that makes it succeed in a way the Dracula X could never have hoped for. I wanted a little review to buy me time while I work on Tetris, and instead, I found one of my favorite Castlevania games. Chronicles isn’t just underrated, but CRIMINALLY underrated, and worth a look, even if it’s too silly for its own good.
Verdict: YES!

THE INDIE GAMER CHICK CASTLEVANIA REVIEW SERIES
 Castlevania (NES) Dracula’s Curse (NES) Adventure (GB) Belmont’s Revenge (GB)
Super Castlevania IV (SNES) Dracula X (SNES) Rondo of Blood (SuperCD²)
Chronicles (PSX) Circle of the Moon (GBA)  Kid Dracula (NES) Kid Dracula (GB)
ROM Hacks (NES)
Konami Wai Wai World (NES) Wai Wai World 2: SOS!! Parsley Jō (NES)

What I’m Playing #23: Sega Arcade System Problems and Alexey Pajitnov’s SEIZURES: THE GAME!

Hey everyone! I have two pieces of news. The first is I have Taito Milestones 3. I’m under embargo for another week and the game doesn’t come out until December 10, which is around the time I’ll be posting the review. The second news is that the main Tetris Forever review is done, edited, and ready. I’m really happy with how it turned out. It’s tough to review 17 different Tetris games (plus a game of Go!), but I’m so happy I did. I discovered a lot about what makes Tetris work and what its shortcomings are. So, where’s the review? Well, it’s not done because I’m adding extra reviews to it. So, what AM I playing?

I’m pretty sure this game tried to murder me.

Among the bonus reviews in Tetris Forever: The Definitive Review is the Sega Tetris Trilogy. It’s three arcade games licensed by Sega in the late 80s/early 90s that use the Tetris engine. And, today I found out that two of them, Tetris and Bloxeed, have variations depending on the hardware. So, dammit so much, I have to go back to the Sega Tetris.

Bloxeed on Sega System C hardware.

I thought I had already finished it. I have no idea if it does or doesn’t affect gameplay, but because I don’t know, I do have to play the variations before I publish. Also, from now on I’ll do my best to note what arcade hardware coin-ops are on in the headers for each review. In the case of Bloxeed, it’s both a Sega System 18 and a Sega System C release. It took me, oh, one second of seeing the gameplay to realize it’s not the same build.

Bloxeed on Sega System 18 hardware.

If you’re looking at the above screenshots and shrugging “so what?” trust me, I am too. But, I want to be thorough and FAIR, and that means I have to do all the hardware options. I really want this to be my best feature ever, and with these games, there’s just so many variations. Also, while it might be totally subtle like in the above pics, that’s only for that game. Other times? Not so subtle. This is Sega’s Arcade Tetris:

Sega System 16 Tetris

And this is.. Sega Arcade Tetris:

Sega System E Tetris

And literally as I was writing this piece, I realized that, yea, it’s going to make a difference. Goddammit, game developers of the 1980s: couldn’t you just put out one format like a normal company? And the funny thing is, this crap isn’t even the worst thing to happen to me today. In trying to be as comprehensive as possible, I discovered a little Famicom Disk System game called Knight Move designed by the man of the hour himself, Alexey Pajitnov. And it’s………. the single most strobe-heavy video game I’ve ever played. There’s nothing close. Not even the Jetsons for the NES. HUGE EPILEPSY WARNING for this video.

The idea is you have to hop around a grid using only the L-pattern of a chess knight. If you step on a tile three times, the tile breaks and you score points. You want to break as many tiles as possible before moving to the target piece, with the heart. Very clever idea and the game seems every bit as addictive and fun as Tetris. And it was even published by Nintendo! Why haven’t I heard of this? Maybe because nobody played it because that five second long strobe in the video above? It happens after every single round where you knock out even a single tile on the board. You know, the object of the game. Rounds of Knight Move (not to be confused with Knight Moves, a different game by Pajitnov) don’t take very long to finish, and depending on how you play, you could get a five second long ultra-violent strobe effect every 20 seconds or so, but probably closer to once or twice a minute. Unf*ckingreal, and everyone involved in this should be ashamed of themselves, even in 1990.

I’m still going to go forward with including the review of Knight Move in the feature, even though I can’t play it again. HOPEFULLY awareness of this game trickles to the current regime at Nintendo and they include it on Switch Online. When they do that, they tend to remove the strobe effects from NES games. I want a build of this I can play, because the two or three minutes I played before I figured out the object of Knight Move and then nearly had a seizure from it, I was having fun. I want to play this. I can take risks on some games, but Knight Move is totally out of the question. It’s just too intense with the flashing. What the f*ck were they thinking? Were they even thinking at all? Did they give themselves headaches and slap high fives?

The best thing I can say about it is that this reminds me how far we’ve come. This sh*t wouldn’t fly in the 2020s. I think even people who aren’t photosensitive are likely to get, at best, very annoyed by Knight Move. But, I think this is so intense a constant a strobe that it would affect more than people who typical consider themselves photosensitive. My father has never complained about strobe lights, loves walking through haunted house attractions (which tend to lean heavily on strobe lights), and in general is just unaffected by this stuff. He played Knight Move for ten minutes and complained that his eyes were killing him. And that kind of strobe effect is known to give people headaches. Nintendo absolutely should have put a stop to it. It’s too intense, even by the standards of the era, and it’s beyond the pale that it was allowed to be published in this state. What a shame. Completely ruins what seems like it could be a very fun game. So it’s going to be the angriest review in the feature, and the only review I’ve ever done for a game that I only played for two minutes. So that sucked.

Thankfully, I have seventy games that are either Tetris games or games inspired by Tetris to pivot to. For God’s sake, please don’t recommend more. I have a family that loves me.

An asterisk means the game is commercially available today, and if it is, I paid for a copy out of pocket.

Tetris (MSX) – REVIEW COMPLETE
Tetris (Arcade – Sega) – REVIEW (mostly) COMPLETE
Tetris (NES – Tengen) – REVIEW COMPLETE
Tetris (Game Boy)* – REVIEW COMPLETE
Flash Point (Arcade) – REVIEW COMPLETE
Blockout (Arcade)
Tetris (NES – Nintendo)* – REVIEW COMPLETE
Nintendo World Championships 1990 (NES) – REVIEW COMPLETE
Tetris (Wearable Game Watch) – REVIEW COMPLETE
Pipe Dream (Arcade)
Bloxeed (Arcade) – REVIEW COMPLETE
Klax (Arcade)
Columns (Arcade)
Hatris (Arcade)
Klax (Atari 2600)
Knight Move (Famicom Disk System) – REVIEW COMPLETE
Dr. Mario (NES)*
Klax (TurboGrafx-16)
Columns II (Arcade)*
Pipe Dream (NES)
Welltris (Arcade)
Hatris (TurboGrafx-16)
Puyo Puyo (Famicom Disk System)
Yoshi (NES)
Pyramid (NES)
Super Scope 6 (SNES)
Pipe Dream (Super Famicom)
Wordtris (SNES)
Yoshi’s Cookie (SNES)
Pac-Attack (SNES)*
Columns III (Sega Genesis)
BreakThru! (SNES)
Tetris 2 (SNES)
Wario’s Woods (SNES)
Tetris & Dr. Mario (SNES)
Dero~n Dero Dero (aka Tecmo Stackers, Arcade)*
Kirby’s Avalanche (aka Super Puyo Puyo, SNES)*
Super Bomberman: Panic Bomber W (Super Famicom)
Baku Baku Animal (Arcade)
Panic Bomber (Virtual Boy)
V-Tetris (Virtual Boy)
Magical Drop (Super Famicom)
Tetris Attack (aka Panel de Pon, SNES)*
Virtual Lab (Virtual Boy)
Tetris Plus (Arcade)
3D-Tetris (Virtual Boy)
Super Puzzle Fighter II Turbo (Arcade, Re-Review)*
Cleopatra’s Fortune (Arcade)
Columns ’97 (Arcade)
Star Sweep (Arcade)
Tetrisphere (Nintendo 64) REVIEW COMPLETE
Puyo Puyo Sun (Nintendo 64)
Tetris: The Grand Master (Arcade)*
Wrecking Crew ’98 (Super Famicom)*
Kirby’s Super Star Stacker (Super Famicom)*
Wetrix (Nintendo 64)
Tetris DX (Game Boy Color) – REVIEW COMPLETE
Magical Tetris Challenge (Nintendo 64)
Gunpey (Wonderswan)
New Tetris (Nintendo 64)
Tetris: The Grand Master 2 – The Absolute PLUS (Arcade)*
Pokemon Puzzle League (Nintendo 64)*
Tetris Worlds (Game Boy Advance)
Rampage Puzzle Attack (Game Boy Advance)
Columns Crown (Game Boy Advance)
Tetris Advance (Game Boy Advance)
Meteos (Nintendo DS)
Hexic HD (Xbox 360)
Tetris DS (Nintendo DS)
Lumines Remastered (Played on Xbox Series X)*

What I’m Playing #22 – The Famicom Tetris Review

It was a 58 year old man whose best days were decades behind him against a 27 year old in the prime of his athletic life. What did people think would happen? I was born in 1989, and so by the time I was watching and remembering boxing, I had to go off my dad’s word that Mike Tyson was a generational talent. I never got to see it until years after the fact. My father is a huge boxing fan who ordered all the fights on pay-per-view, and he was HYPED for Tyson/Holyfield. As a young child, I thought Tyson seemed like much ado about nothing. I was a couple weeks away from turning 8 years old when the infamous “Bite Fight” against Evander Holyfield happened. I liked Holyfield as a kid. Him and Lennox Lewis were my favorites. I got hooked on boxing during the original Tyson/Holyfield fight, which did live up to the hype and was an exciting fight, at least for a 7 year old. The whole time my dad was saying “it’s too bad this didn’t happen in 1990!” But it didn’t, and even by 1997, almost everything about Mike Tyson that made him a boxing phenom was already gone. He was a good, but not great, tactician with a good chin, but he didn’t have the explosiveness that made him famous to begin with. I missed that stage of his career entirely. So, even as a kid, I didn’t “get” Tyson. To me, he was just another cooked boxer, like George Foreman.

I didn’t see the guy who was annihilating guys in the first round. I didn’t see the guy who won his first 37 matches. There’s a reason why the Buster Douglas loss was so shocking. It was unfathomable a guy on his level would lose to a guy on Douglas’ level. It’s not one of those situations where people look back on and say “well, it was inevitable.” It feels like if you replayed reality 100,000 times, we live in the one and only reality where Douglas actually won. If you need proof that it didn’t feel inevitable, just remember that Tyson himself beat a guy who was 21 – 0 to become Undisputed World Heavyweight Champion, and that, by all accounts, had an inevitability about it. Not Tyson, though. He was legit, and so amazing as a boxer that I don’t think the sport ever recovered from him. Tyson was one of those athletes who, when it was over, it was REALLY over. He had matches that ended on stoppages after committing fouls. He was disqualified after the fact against Andrew Golta for failing a drug test. No, not steroids. Weed. Which is only a performance enhancing drug if the winner gets a bowl full of cookie dough. A month before I turned 16, Tyson had his final bout against a guy named Kevin McBride. McBride was seemingly chosen because he was exactly the type of journeyman Tyson had plowed through in the twenty or so fights he had before he became the world heavyweight champion. It’s the type of match an aging boxer takes as a confidence booster, except that’s not what happened. McBride completely tuned Tyson, who didn’t just quit the match in the sixth round, but retired from boxing altogether. In the 19 years that followed, apparently people forgot that, in his final professional match, Tyson was literally beaten into an on-the-spot retirement by a nobody.

Anyone who was excited to see Mike Tyson fight nearly twenty years after he retired apparently forgot that everything after 1997 from Mike Tyson was just kind of sad. I know, because that was the only version of Mike Tyson I ever got to see. Having now found and watched his old fights, I get it now. There has never been a combination of speed and power like Mike Tyson. As a fighter, he was a one-off. Most people don’t know this, but there’s a reason why in Mike’s Tyson’s Punch-Out!!, for the first minute and a half of the Tyson match, one punch knocks you down. Because Tyson legitimately did knock down fighters with one punch in multiple bouts in 1985 and 1986. He even won a few of those matches with one punch! Imagine paying good money to see a match that lasted one round, and everyone walks away happy. That would never happen now, but that was Tyson early in his career. Why would people be happy to see a one round fight? Because everyone left with the impression that they had seen a type of fighter they would never see again, and they were right. Being cooked with no “post-prime” isn’t exclusive to boxing. Some of my favorite basketball players were that way. Steve Nash, Allen Iverson, Boogie Cousins, Dwight Howard, (some might disagree with me on that one) and most recently Derrick Rose, when it was over, it WAS OVER. They might have still been technically playing, but what stuck around was a shell that made you wish they’d turn back the clock for one vintage performance that would never come. Sports are cruel like that. In a way, I’m happy Netflix didn’t cooperate on Friday. If a vintage Tyson performance never happened when I was 8, why would I expect it at 35?

So, what AM I playing? Like you even need to ask. Here’s a preview of the upcoming Tetris Forever review: the full review of the Famicom version of Tetris. This is directly from the feature.

Tetris
aka “Famicom Tetris”

Platform: Famicom
Released December 22, 1988
Programmed by Bob Rutherford
Developed by Bullet-Proof Software
Never Released Outside of Japan

Dynamic scoring! WOOO! And.. lives? What the f*ck?

The first ever console version of Tetris is also one of the weirdest builds of Tetris I’ve ever played. First thing’s first: I love how Digital Eclipse felt compelled to put a warning that the controls are so stupid that players will want to change them. It doesn’t say it like that, but it’s not wrong. In this Tetris, pressing DOWN rotates the blocks, while the buttons do hard drops. I assume they did it this way because people hit DOWN accidentally. I sure have, but I’d prefer doing that sometimes to how the controls are set up. It’s worse because the only remapping is via the emulator itself, and while it is an option, remember that changing what button is the hard drop means that new button, presumably DOWN, is now “enter” for the menus, and now you can only scroll one way when you enter your name. So awkward, but the weirdness of Famicom Tetris is just getting started.

Dad called this “Christmas Tetris” because of the color scheme.

So yes, dynamic scoring is here and players FINALLY have some measure of risk/reward to deal with instead of just stacking for efficiency. But, there’s a catch: this Tetris is played in 25 line intervals. There’s no uninterrupted marathon mode, and also I might have a concussion for banging my head on the desk. It’s honestly incredible how many versions of this game needed to happen before the Tetris we all love emerged. I’m six games into this feature, five of which are Tetris games, and I’ve still not reached a Tetris that feels like my Tetris. And the weirdness keeps coming in the form of lives. You get to fail three times, and when you die, you still get all the points you earned for this 25-line interval, but then you restart with a new 25 line target. You also don’t get to know how well you’re doing until the breaks, as the score isn’t tallied until you die or reach 25 lines. It’s like Game Boy Tetris’ B-Mode as a solo game.

My motto of “find the fun” took a little longer with Famicom Tetris. The 25 line or bust gameplay engine put up a fight. But then I realized, screw it, embrace it by jacking up the handicap to the max. And lo, the fun was found.

Not strange enough for you? If you play with handicap and clear 25 lines, whatever progress you’ve made is retained for the next 25 line batch. But if you die, you start from scratch with a fresh pile of garbage blocks on the playfield. I don’t recommend playing on level 0, as it’s just not fun. Even if you use handicap, start on at least level 5 for speed. This is one of the rare Tetris games where the garbage blocks are the best part of the game. Without a marathon and a much slower sense of progression, challenging tall stacks of garbage is the best thing Famicom Tetris has going for it. What stood out to me the most about Famicom Tetris is how everyone involved still had no idea what they had with Tetris. I appreciate that they realized what they were doing, and what Spectrum Holobyte had done, was certainly not maximizing its potential. This was a big step, and while they had a ways to go, I did manage to “find the fun” by treating this as a hybrid of a logic puzzler and Tetris. BUT, if you just hate the Game Boy Tetris’ B-Mode, feel free to imagine this verdict flipped.
Verdict: YES! – $2 in Value added to Tetris Forever

What I’m Playing #21 – Henk Rogers and The Hair of Extreme Distraction

Banzai Run has been confirmed as the next Williams table for Pinball FX. With this announcement, every Pat Lawlor table from the arcade era of pinball is now in Pinball FX. There’s still one table left to be announced, and the only hint is it’s from 1989. No other hints were given and if I were to spoil it, Zen Studios would no doubt call the POLICE on me, but that’s fine, hopefully we don’t have to wait 2000 years for the PARTY (monsters) to start. I know I’m doing a scattershot of potential table teases. What can I say? I’m a BAD CAT. So, what am I playing?

GODDAMNIT LET ME YANK THAT F*CKING THING OUT!

Oh, for the want of a pair of tweezers. I’m totally digging Tetris Forever except for one hugely distracting lip hair on Henk Rogers. It’s like gravity reversed on his face, but only for one specific hair follicle. I’m told a patch is coming to fix this, and they hired the same guys who took out Superman’s mustache in the Justice League movie so you know that no expense is being spared.

“Tell me Henk.. do you tweeze? Well you will!”

Otherwise, yea, Tetris Forever is fantastic. Mostly. The lack of English ROM translations is a pain in the ass, especially for the included game of Go by Bullet-Proof Software. It’s called Igo: Kyū Roban Taikyoku, and I hope you know how to play Go and/or read fluent Japanese. If neither of those apply to you, this is not going to help you learn the game.

It’s hard to say I’m disappointed because there’s 18 games, but this is one of those bad habits I don’t want Digital Eclipse/Atari to get too deeply into. Up to this point, language barriers haven’t factored into any of the games in the Gold Master Series. That’s certainly not the case with Igo: Kyū Roban Taikyoku. Even a totally unnecessary +1 to a game collection becomes a drag on the whole package if it feels like the extra effort wasn’t there. Part of me wonders if the language barrier is why Black Onyx wasn’t included. I’m grateful it wasn’t. The time I could spend doing a JRPG I can instead put towards the growing list of bonus reviews I’m including. So, I’m going to go until this Tuesday, a week after Tetris Forever was released. If I have more time, more bonus games will be added. Remember, I can’t include EVERY version of Tetris, including your favorites. In addition to the eighteen games included Tetris Forever, all of which get a full review, here are the twelve bonus reviews included in Tetris Forever: The Definitive Review.

Tetris
Platform: Arcade
Released December, 1988
Developed by Sega
NO MODERN RE-RELEASE*
*The version in the Genesis Mini doesn’t count.

Tetris
Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System
Released May, 1989
Designed by Ed Logg
Developed by Tengen (Atari Games)
NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED

Tetris
Platform: Game Boy
Released June 14, 1989
Designed by Masao Yamamoto
Developed by Nintendo
Included with Nintendo Online Subscription (Standard)

Tetris
Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System
Released December, 1989
Developed by Nintendo
Included with Nintendo Online Subscription (Standard)

Hatris
Platform: PC Engine
Released May 24, 1991
Developed by Micro Cabin
Never Released Outside of Japan

NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED

Tetris 2
Platform: Super Nintendo Entertainment System
Released July 8, 1994
Directed by Masao Yamamoto & Hitoshi Yamagami
Developed by Tose
Published by Nintendo
NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED

Tetris & Dr. Mario
Platform: Super Nintendo Entertainment System
Released December 30, 1994
Developed by Nintendo
NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED

V-Tetris
Platform: Virtual Boy
Released August 25, 1995
Directed by Norifumi Hara
Developed by Locomotive
Published by Bullet-Proof Software
Never Released Outside of Japan
NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED

3D-Tetris
Platform: Virtual Boy
Released March 22, 1996
Developed by T&E Soft
Published by Nintendo
NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED

Tetrisphere
Platform: Nintendo 64
Released August 11, 1997
Designed by Steve Shatford
Developed by H2O Entertainment
Published by Nintendo
NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED

Magical Tetris Challenge
Platform: Nintendo 64
Released November 20, 1998
Directed by Hidemaro Fujibayashi
Published by Capcom
NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED

Hexic HD
Platform: Xbox 360
Released November 22, 2005
Designed by Alexey Pajitnov
Published by Microsoft

What I’m Playing #20 – Pit…..stop?

Hey everyone. It’s Tetris Day and, shortly, Tetris Forever will be downloading on my Nintendo Switch. I’m going to go ahead and prioritize that, and walk away from Pitfall: The Mayan Adventure. I threw on the Sega CD version and I was just so bored I didn’t know what to do with myself. I think I’d rather spend my time reading old issues of Electronic Gaming Monthly. Which I could do if I backed this Kickstarter. Basically a coffee table book dedicated to what was the best gaming magazine for most of my childhood, with one brief window where the Official Dreamcast Magazine was my fav. What a great idea this is, and the best part is, it’ll lead to a way to read all 260+ issues of Electronic Gaming Monthly.

The next Williams table in Pinball FX’s Williams 8 pack will be announced on Thursday. You’ll want to RUN, not walk, to this video to watch it. Even if that run is vertical. So, what AM I playing?

I really did want to give this the old college try but Pitfall: The Mayan Adventure is so dang boring. It feels like it’s modeled after the Virgin Interactive Disney games, right down to having an animation studio (in this case, the ones behind FernGully, a movie that bored the living hell out of me as a child) do the graphics. It looks so good. In fact, I think this looks better than a lot of the Virgin Disney stuff. Except there’s a lot of visibility problems. The enemies are too subtle, often stay out of sight until you’re close by, and I just was constantly blinking and taking damage without realizing what was on top of me. The platforming has a parkour quality about it, but it’s just not fun, you know? So, instead, I’m going to jump straight to Tetris Forever and pour myself into it so the review can be up by this weekend. Sound good?

What I’m Playing #19 – (I)REM Sleep(er Hits?)

You try coming up with fun names for these posts. The time for Tetris Forever is almost here, but I have enough time to squeeze in one more game, and I’m struggling to pick it. I can tell you that, right now, it won’t be Irem Collection 2. I was generously offered a review code by ININ, but I don’t have the time for it. So, here’s what I’ll do instead: I just bought both collections for Switch instead of taking a review code. They look hella fun, and at some point in 2025, I’ll catch up to them and do both. Sound good? No? Well, there’s going to be five of these bad boys total. So far, only the first two have been released. I will do the whole collection in 2025. All five volumes. We cool? Cool.

So, what AM I playing? I honestly don’t know. Nothing right now. Could be Wizards & Warriors X: Fortress of Fear for the Game Boy. Apparently I have played it, but I don’t remember a thing about it. Not a lick. Wizards & Warriors did okay at IGC, and the brand new Ironsword review is doing fine. Another option is the final game of the NES trilogy. I did sample it a bit and..

Wizards & Warriors III - Kuros...Visions of Power (USA)-241110-065407

THE GUY IN THAT PICTURE IS GETTING HIT BY MY SWORD! LOOK HOW FAR AWAY HE IS! HO..LY.. SH*T!

Okay, maybe I should hit the randomizer. Let’s do that. Ooh, this game came up just a few weeks ago and I re-rolled. I won’t re-roll this time. Twice in a month’s span, when the pool is nearly a thousand games? Sounds like fate to me. Let’s do it!

Ironsword: Wizards & Warriors II (NES Review)

Ironsword: Wizards & Warriors II
Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System
Released December, 1989
Designed by Ste Pickford & Steve Hughes
Developed by Zippo Games via Rare Ltd.
Published by Acclaim
NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED

Oh, thank heavens that all the good stuff was removed from the first game and all the crap stuff was left in, like sliding-based punishments for platforming f*ck-ups. I was worried this wasn’t a sequel!

Look, I can’t argue that Wizards & Warriors was some kind of amazing platforming adventure. It’s probably one of the worst games I’ve ever given a YES! too. The main criticism was as follows: “Most damning of all is that Wizards & Warriors has one of the most flimsy and unimpactful primary weapons in the history of gaming. A sword so weak that it’s genuinely embarrassing.” That returns for the sequel, and this time, there’s no permanent boomerang-like weapon to supplement it. I suspected the “Dagger of Throwing” single-handedly saved Wizards & Warriors from being flushed into the sewers of gaming history, and Ironsword confirmed that I was mostly right. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if that dagger is a big reason why Ironsword sold well enough that it got yet another sequel. The third game, Kuros: Visions of Power was the end of the franchise. I honestly wonder if people who bought Ironsword felt like they got ripped-off when the best part of the first game wasn’t in the second and “noped” out of the franchise for good. Because Ironsword, a game with SWORD right in the title, has the worst sword combat I’ve ever seen in a video game. It’s awful.

The only attack resembling one with any reach is to duck and attack. This allows you to poke at enemies like you’re checking to see if they twitch. This is the only range you get for at least half of every level.

I’d call this “flail-based combat” but that seems far too generous. Flailing implies some sort of striking attack, but almost all your moves stay close within the character sprite box itself. Because of the complete lack of range, your sword is little more than a glorified shield that you have to just wait for enemies to run into. It really, really doesn’t help that most enemies are optimized to work around the sword by circling around you and coming in at you from below, which there’s really no way to defend against. As the game progresses, you can pick up shields and helmets that I assume shrink your collision box, but even late in the game there were enemies that could take an entire life bar down to a sliver or worse from a single hit. But even in instances where they’re coming right at you in a straight line, swinging the sword is ineffective, and there’s never any OOMPH when you actually do successfully land a blow. Oh my God, I figured out the word I’m looking for! “Shoo.” That’s it! Ironsword is shooing-based combat! “Shoo, get away from me, bat! I’m only wearing F*CKING ARMOR!” And by the way, how the hell does a bat flying into a knight’s armored knee do a one shot kill?!

I knew Ironsword was heading to the dump when the second area in the game was a cloud-based trampoline park where you have to hop around to explore. That’s a mid-to-late game trope, not something you can pull out as early as Ironsword does.

By the way, you do get projectiles, but how Ironsword does it is kind of strange. The first four game worlds are divided into two areas, the second of which will always contain a spell that you need to shoot the boss with. Once you have the spell, the projectile can’t be turned off. If you want to use your sword to defend yourself against basic enemies and your magic meter is anywhere but empty, you HAVE to shoot them and waste what can be a precious resource. Disappointingly, none of the four magic spells you pick up feel themed to the stages. They’re just four different types of basic video game peashooters, and you lose them as soon as you beat the boss. There’s apparently a way to trick the game into keeping them, but I never pulled it off, and I was trying to! I also didn’t really care for the projectiles because it didn’t feel like it fit the vibe the game was going for. They’re guns, more or less. This is Wizards & Warriors, right? It doesn’t FEEL like magic. The air one shoots in front of you. The fire one is lobbed in a way that reminded me of a grenade. The best one was probably that fire one, but only because the boss was built specifically for it. I would normally compliment that, but it was hard to take it seriously when it looks like something drawn by a 6 year old with MS Paint.

(blinks) Seriously?

The best thing I can say about Ironsword is that the exploration is fine. The emphasis is kept squarely on locating stuff and plotting your jumps to avoid slopes that cause you to slide and lose progress. In the first half of each world, you have to find some kind of golden doodad to give to an enormous animal, who will give you passage to the second half of the world where the attack spell used to beat the boss is. Along the way, you can find (and buy) keys to open chests, some of which have treasure and some of which have single-use spells that can give you temporary buffs or alternative means of slaying baddies. There’s also permanent upgrades to your sword, shield, and helmet (along with a single movement upgrade that you find in the final level).

This is in the shop in level 2-1. You get what sure seemed to me like the most effective melee weapon in the game barely one-fifth of the way into Ironsword, which means it’s not exciting to find swords afterwards.

The way the upgrades to the sword were scaled didn’t work because the best weapon can be gotten in the first part of the second level. I got this lance-looking thing in from the shop above, the Diamond Sword, that sure felt more effective than the shorter-range swords. The most effective “attack” in the game is jumping into things because, like the first game, you stiffen-up when you jump and hold the sword upright, like you’re skewering enemies. Don’t mistake this for feeling good. It’s got no weight or OOMPH at all. Again, the sword is a glorified shield itself. That’s why having a lance that extends beyond the sprite itself is especially valuable because the best you can hope for is to position yourself in a way where enemies fly into it without having to press the attack button. Attacking is more likely to expose you to damage than sitting still. By the way, I was crushed when I saw that I’d assembled the titular Ironsword after beating the fourth boss, because it meant I had lost the more effective diamond sword. Sure, the Ironsword has the permanent ability to fire, but it was the final level and enemies had an easier time getting through my defenses with the Ironsword than they did the Diamond Sword. What the ever-loving hell were they thinking?

It looks SO FUN in screenshots, but Ironsword isn’t even a tiny bit fun.

Anything else I can say about Ironsword is immediately overridden by how historically terrible the combat is. While the jumping physics and level design, along with all the sliding, might not be everyone’s cup of tea, it does work. But, the combat is the worst, so who cares? The bosses do feel.. large, I guess. I mean, the game ends with you fighting the four LOGOS of the bosses (one at a time, mind you), which are smaller than your sprite, and then the game just ends after you beat the last one. It’s one of the worst last bosses I’ve seen, but the other four bosses are alright, I guess. At least you can shoot them. Too bad the combat along the way is the worst. And the game looks gorgeous, with some of the best sprite work on NES. Who cares though, because the combat is the absolute worst!

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And hey, no grinding-up gems to get past toll booths this time. Crying shame that the combat is the worst. Also, and people might disagree, but I think the color-coded keys and treasure chests from the first game were that game’s strongest concepts. They just worked for me and made for an effective primary driver for the entire game, but that’s COMPLETELY gone in the sequel. Doors never require keys, keys only come in one flavor, and keys are ONLY used on chests. There’s no permanent secondary items, an aspect of Wizards & Warriors that made it so weirdly compelling, like the Boots of Force or Feather of Featherfall. How the hell did they maintain the emphasis on exploration while surgically excising almost every exploration element from the original? It’d be an impressive feat if Ironsword wasn’t so f*cking horrendous.

If you’re low on money, you can gamble. I most certainly did not cheat using save states and rewind at any point in this review to build up my loot and make shopping go quicker. Why would you think that? DAMN YOUR ACCUSING EYES!

Everything comes back to the combat, and the ultimate deal breaker was how inconsistent and awful your defensive collision detection is. Ironsword is probably one of the most fascinating games to experience with modern emulation tools, especially rewind. Because there was never any consistency to when I did or didn’t take damage. Enemies that scored one-shot kills in one instance took only a tiny sliver of health the next time from nearly the same angle. HUH? This was constant throughout Ironsword, to the point that I started laughing hysterically at it. It reduces the defensive game of Ironsword into something that feels like real-time Dungeons & Dragons-like probability. Sometimes enemies would hit me in the feet and die, and other times I’d start to blink from damage. WEIRD! But it makes Ironsword a game where you can’t properly gauge risk when you’re dealing with enemies. I assume all this was intentional, but I’m not sure why anyone would make a game that plays like Wizards & Warriors does have combat like this, because it doesn’t make for a fun game!  It’s all frustration and no reward.

Believe it or not, that little smiley face is one of the last bosses. I told you that you’re fighting logos!

I’m not sure what the point of Ironsword was. It seems that almost everything that made Wizards & Warriors ultimately work was dropped from the sequel. Wizards & Warriors is sloppy as all hell too, but it had moxie, for lack of a better term. Like the Dagger of Throwing, the Potion of Levitation, and the Feather of Feathered Feathery Feathers were there because the designers were bound and determined to take the abject disaster of a game they built and shove it, kicking and screaming, over the finish line of decency by sheer force of will. That’s ALL gone from Ironsword. It’s everything bad about Wizards & Warriors with none of the good. It’s fascinating! Like someone saw the sales figures of the first game and wanted to convince themselves that the core swordplay and jumping physics were the real reason for the success and not everything else that had to built around that sh*t to make it worthwhile. I’ve never seen a sequel like Ironsword, and that’s a statement that everyone should celebrate.
Verdict: NO!
And yes, I can totally believe it’s not butter. It’s margarine. I know what margarine tastes like.

Great job, Timmy. Keep up the good work.