Super Mario Bros. Deluxe Platform: Game Boy Color Released May 10, 1999 Directed by Toshiaki Suzuki Developed by Nintendo NO MODERN RELEASE Listing at Mario Wiki
Yes, this is as cool as it looks.
Want to play the best-selling classic version of a Mario game that isn’t currently on Switch Online? Well, here it is. Even though fourteen years had passed and everyone and dog had probably already played Super Mario Bros. to death, Super Mario Bros. Deluxe sold a whopping five million copies on the Game Boy Color. Yeesh. One of those copies was purchased by my father with the intent to give it to his favorite daughter for her tenth birthday. But then Angela didn’t show up until 2010 so he gave it to me instead. And I…… never played it. Well, let me clarify: I threw it on for like fifteen minutes, but I had Pokemon to catch, and besides, there was an NES in our house. In fact, my pops had that NES longer than he’d had my mother. If I were to play Super Mario Bros. (and eventually I did), I’d rather play it on the NES than on this cramped-ass screen. Look how much is cut off:
Super Mario Bros. (1985 – NES)
Super Mario Bros. Deluxe (1999 – Game Boy Color)
But the truth is I never would have played it anyway. I was not into old games and that’s all there was to it. There were some exceptions of course like Castlevania or Wizards & Warriors (and the latter was because I was killing time waiting for a new console releasing THAT NIGHT, the Dreamcast) but at that age? I was downright hostile towards any game released before I got into gaming, and I’m ashamed to admit that I remained that way well into my twenties. Today I’m just a couple weeks away from turning 36 years old and, according to Feedspot, I have the second best retro gaming website/blog in the world. Go figure, right? The only comfort I take from looking back on my attitude is that I clearly wasn’t some kind of exceptional brat, because the kids in my life now are the same way I was. Sometimes I catch them in the right mood and they’re eager to help Aunt Cathy with a review that I need a co-op partner or versus opponent for, but for the most part with the older games, even the good ones, they’d rather be playing anything else. That doesn’t make them brats. No, they’re snobs, and I was one of them.
The swimming stages are why I couldn’t excuse Super Adventure Island. Unless you want to count Jungle Hunt, this is the first platformer with swimming stages, and if ANY game with swimming stages could get away with at least one basic straight line map where you swim right until you reach a goal, it’s Super Mario Bros. But there’s not a single straight line swimming level in the entire game. Even Super Mario’s most basic swimming stages have suction holes and hard surfaces to swim around, plus one of the great unsung basic enemy designs in gaming history: the Blooper squids. They have the perfect attack pattern to create an element of danger for the swimming mechanics. Level 2 – 2 all by itself makes Super Adventure Island’s two swimming stages look cynical and lazy, because, you know, they are.
Okay, so I’m still not the biggest fan of Super Mario Bros. even though I’m embarrassed, even ashamed, of my past attitude towards retro gaming. But, if 10 year old me had ever bothered to finish a full cycle of levels for Super Mario Deluxe, I think I would have enjoyed a lot of the bonus content. The main game? Not so much. Oh, I’m not going to argue that it’s a bad game. It’s not. It saved video games from the Crash of ’83 for a reason. It’s fantastic. But this is NOT the way to play it unless you’re playing it in the 2000s on a Game Boy Color. The screen is too cramped, and even though some elements were slightly modified to account for that, it’s still the same game as it was in 1985, only formatted for the Game Boy Color’s smaller dimensions. It matters a lot, actually.
Like this, which you get a LOT less warning on.
I won’t argue that every stage suffers from the smaller screen. Hell, a few are even enhanced by it. The bridges with the flying Cheep-Cheeps, for example. The cramped screen adds to the tension. But those benefits are significantly outweighed by the cost to the elegant platforming and enemy attack patterns. For example, the Hammer Bros. jumping moves are ruined by the smaller screen. The dungeon levels especially suffer badly from having less space to measure your jumps. You can scroll the screen up and down, but it’s not just an up or down problem. Super Mario reignited gaming because of how precise the levels are made. The jumps. The enemy placement. So much of that is lost when it takes longer to scroll those elements into existence.
Level 8 – 3 is one of the few stages that benefits from the smaller playfield. That’s mostly because it doesn’t have platforming. It’s oriented like an avoider, which inherently lends itself to the more compact screen.
If this doesn’t sound worthy of the “Deluxe” stamp, it’s really not. That comes from all the extra content, but even that isn’t perfect. Going into this review, I intended to play EVERYTHING in Deluxe, including the Lost Levels, aka Super Mario Bros. 2: The Original Japanese Version. If you score 300,000 points in the main mode, you unlock it. In Deluxe, it’s called “Super Mario Bros. For Super Players” but it’s Lost Levels. Except, it’s not ALL of Lost Levels. It only has the first eight worlds. Fans will note that both the Japanese game and the version contained in Super Mario All-Stars has thirteen worlds. Well, like the original Super Mario Bros. 2, they have to be unlocked, right? Nope. There’s no way to play the missing five worlds in Deluxe. Since I really don’t want to play through these stages twice in order to see them all, I decided to opt out after a couple stages and, instead, I’ll review this version of them very soon:
Thank God that Mario Deluxe has more than just that. There’s two stand-out modes that make this worth a look. The first is “challenge mode” which presents players with three specific extra challenges for the thirty-two main levels of the original game. I’ve always enjoyed collecting mechanics, and challenge mode is what convinced me this could be worth re-releasing or adding to the Switch Online service. The first task in each stage is to find five red coins. These could be hidden in blocks, or at the tail-end of a 10-coin block. Some are moderately well hidden but I never struggled all that much to snag all five. However, most of the red coins were satisfying enough to snag.
Some coins you have to look for. Others are just placed wherever they have room. Not every level really lends itself to the challenge mode’s style.
The second challenge is to score a target amount of points, and the target isn’t just some token number. They fine-tuned the score to be challenging enough that I couldn’t just breeze through it. Even when I realized that I needed to try to always get all six fireworks at the end of levels, I still found myself coming short a lot. More than once, I finished exactly one coin’s point value short of reaching the goal. Weirdly, I never got frustrated when this happened. It was fun enough that I wanted to keep trying to get it.
Finally, challenge mode features a hidden Yoshi egg somewhere in each stage. Now these are the real tricky ones to find because they’re always in invisible blocks. In theory, they could be anywhere. In practice, there’s a clear logic to where they’re hidden, so it doesn’t feel like they just stuck the things in arbitrary locations. Even armed with that awareness, it often took me a couple minutes at least to find the egg, and I was ALWAYS happy when I did. This is a great mode that’s worth a look.
Okay, that Yoshi egg is really bad looking. It just sticks out like a sore thumb. By the way, there’s a versus mode that I couldn’t test.
The final gameplay option was easily the highlight of my play session with Deluxe: You VS. Boo, which unlocks at 100,000 points. Unlike the previous challenges, these aren’t modified versions of Super Mario’s existing levels. This mode features eight all-new levels, and with those new levels comes several new gameplay mechanics. The idea is you’re racing a Boo to the flagpole. The Boo can pass through solid objects, but it doesn’t hurt you to touch it. Along the way, you’ll encounter Face Blocks that activate or deactivate blocks that can create roadblocks OR become valuable platforms. As you race, Boo has the ability to activate the blocks in a way that screws you. There’s also numbered blocks that work like the face blocks, only they’re triggered automatically after counting down. And yes, if your timing and Boo’s timing are in sync, you can absolutely screw yourself because Boo hit the switch before you completed your jump.
There’s also a new kind of spring block and spiked blocks that become solid blocks. What makes this REALLY work is that all eight of these levels feature exceptionally fantastic level design. Seriously, these are some of the strongest levels in the entire Mario catalog. What I hate is how little weight is given to the racing scores themselves. As far as I could tell, the game doesn’t keep track of your time, at least in a way the player can see it. You have to use the countdown timer and keep track of it yourself. Well, except for the fact that, if you rematch the Boo on the same course, his next time will change relative to how well you did the last race. If you do well enough, he’ll even change colors. The one you want to unlock is the black Boo since that indicates the fastest times.
So yes, Nintendo probably should include Super Mario Bros. Deluxe in the Switch Online lineup. There’s some content here that’s worth a look. I can’t stress enough how much I enjoyed the Boo racing, but the collect-a-thon had its charms, too. I’d even say this content by itself earned the “deluxe” title. BUT, if I had to choose between uploading this cramped-screen Game Boy Color version OR creating a whole new version of Super Mario Deluxe that uses the full dimensions. I’d rather have the new remake. Super Mario Bros. just plain isn’t made for this aspect ratio. I guess the Boo race feels optimized for it. I mean, kinda, but I’m pretty sure it would be better in full-screen as well. What I’m even more frustrated with is that in 1999, 10 year old me brushed-off Mario Deluxe as just an old game. If only I had actually played it, who knows? Maybe I’d have the #1 ranked site. Verdict: YES!
Hey, let’s get my fortune read!
I’m pretty sure that’s a weather report, not a fortune.
Milon’s Secret Castle aka Meikyuu Kumikyoku: Miron no Daibouken Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System, Game Boy NES Version Released November 13, 1986
Game Boy Version Released March 26, 1993 Developed by Hudson Soft NO MODERN RELEASE
The lightning bolt to the left of me damaged me before the game handed me back control of the character. Things like this happened CONSTANTLY throughout both my play sessions with the NES version of the game. If it wasn’t outside the castle, I would exit a shop in one of the stages and literally, as soon as the character spawned, I would hear the DONG of getting life slapped by an enemy that I literally could not have avoided. You would think this should, by itself, assure a NO! verdict. But it’s a lot more complicated than that.
At times, Milon’s Secret Castle is one of those abstract treasure hunt games that you need a guide for, unless you want to spend the next week jumping around while trying to figure out what item does what thing. Let me assure you this isn’t as bad as, say, Vs. The Goonies where stuff is hidden in completely arbitrary locations and must be collected by performing completely arbitrary button inputs that nobody should have ever been able to suss out. Seriously, when I read a guide to a game like Goonies, I assume one of two things happened. Either the developers leaked the locations of the hidden stuff or someone out there wasted their once-in-a-generation brain on video games instead of quantum physics and set humanity back a century in the process. Thinking about that sh*t leaves me unable to sleep sometimes. “Well, we’ll never figure out how to make a warp drive in my lifetime, but at least we have a full walk-through for Tower of Druaga.” And then comes the crying.
Out of the many, many hints, maybe one or two actually helped. This is not one of them.
While Milon isn’t as extreme as those games, I also can’t imagine being able to play it without a guide. The idea is you’re supposed to hop around a series of rooms while shooting every hard surface with bubbles. Some of the walls and floors might be hiding money under them. There’s also hidden shops, hidden honeycombs (which increase your health by a single meter), and occasionally the Hudson bee, which grants you a shield. But, there are no key items hidden in the blocks. Until the end of the third world, all those have to be purchased in stores. Enemies don’t drop currency, so there’s only two ways to get cash. One is to find it in the rooms. The catch there is once you’ve collected a money tile, it never comes back. There’s a single room on the game’s third world (well, third floor) where, for whatever reason, some (but not all) of the money tiles respawn. It’s this room:
NES
Game Boy
When I played the NES game, I was certain this was some kind of glitch that wasn’t deliberate. But, that room gets a refill on the Game Boy version too. So, if you do want to grind, that’s eventually an option at around the halfway mark of the game. The other method is to enter the bonus rooms. There’s one hidden within each of the seven “normal” rooms in the game that you have to find by Mario-bonking blocks instead of shooting them. Find the right block and it reveals a music box. Touch the music box to enter the bonus room. In them, you have to collect music notes that fly up onto the screen. Notes are worth one point, sharps (they look like hash marks) are worth two, while flat notes (they look a lowercase b), subtract a point. You get $1 for every four points you get, unless you get 50, at which point the payout doubles. I never did this once on the NES even when I tried to cheat it. On the Game Boy, I did it twice without the need for emulation tomfoolery. That’s because on the NES version, the movement physics change in the bonus rooms, becoming slow to respond to your inputs, something that doesn’t happen on the Game Boy.
NES
Game Boy
I kind of wish that Milon ditched the bonus rooms and the ability to grind the stone room, because early in the game, the hunt for money was actually pretty damn fun, as were my searches for the doors to the shops. The titular castle serves as the overworld. The doors aren’t numbered, nor are you prevented from returning to any level. When I attempted to play without a guide, I found myself enjoying shooting all the various walls, smiling with delight when I finally found a buck or two I missed the first time. There’s a nice little “puff” effect when you find a destructible tile, which also carries over to the Game Boy version.
It also does the “tease stuff that you can’t reach now but will be able to eventually” trope a couple times, though never as successfully as, say, a Zelda game.
Technically you’re locked into every room and have to locate a key before being allowed out. This mechanic wasn’t as successful as the other treasure hunting aspects. I don’t remember ever struggling to find a key. What could have made it work is having the key and the exit move around every time you reenter a stage, but actually, once you have a room’s key, you never need to find it again. However, you do need to reactivate the hidden doors. This is one of many areas where the Game Boy version falters. Making the invisible doors visible was never an issue on the NES. If anything, it felt like it was too easy. On the Game Boy, the collision box on the hidden doors must be pretty damn small because I could shoot the correct tile and sometimes it didn’t appear. Which actually is in line with all the other problems the Game Boy port has with doors. More on that later.
NES
Game Boy
What’s most remarkable is that, despite the repetitive enemy and boss design, each room in Milon’s Secret Castle feels distinct. It’s not just the color schemes, either. It’s the general architecture of the rooms. The layouts. No new room feels even a little close to being like any previous one until a pair of twin rooms near the end of the game. Given the time frame and the limitations of the NES/Famicom in 1986, that’s an amazing achievement that I wasn’t expecting going into this review. It certainly helps with the exploration, as well. Unless you use a strategy guide, you’ll no-doubt miss things and have to backtrack, but you should be able to know which room is which. Plus, it just makes for a better game because it’s hard to get bored when every room feels like a new experience.
So, what’s the problem? You mean besides the fact that both games are riddled with technical problems? Because that’s not a nothingburger. On the NES, you can.. and will.. be damaged by enemies when the game is caught in an animation of you entering and exiting a castle door. You are NOT invincible when the game mechanics take over. It’s certain to happen at least a couple times in a typical session and I even ate a GAME OVER from it at one point. On the Game Boy, it happens a lot less. In fact, I only had this happen once, but the delay between the act of being damaged and registering the damage was jaw-dropping. Still, it seems like the Game Boy should be the stronger version of the two. It had an extra seven years to fix all the problems, right? Well……….
SPLIT DECISION: GAME BOY VERSION
The Game Boy version of Milon’s Secret Castle is a direct port of the NES game, but it does have some advantages. Money is easier to come by, some items are cheaper (the thing that doubles the damage of your bubbles especially), bosses can only shoot one projectile at a time (this might be a negative if you want more challenging boss battles), bosses can be shot anywhere (ditto), and the castle doors aren’t as spread out, making memorizing the layout a cinch. BUT, activating the castle doors is borderline broken on the Game Boy. I had to press UP multiple times more than once to actually get myself to go through a door. Sometimes it took me so long that I triggered the lightning storm and had to move out the way to dodge the bolts flying at me several times in a row before it finally let me in. I just went back and checked it to see what the hell happened, and I take it you have to be dead center on a door. I honestly wonder if it’s a single pixel wide. See this door?
In the following screenshots, pressing UP could not, did not, and would not open the f*cking door.
And I actually think the gates are worse. Here’s the gate:
In the following screenshots, pressing UP could not, did not, and would not open the f*cking gate.
That wasn’t a rare occurrence. It was like that from the start of the game until the finish and it’s so far beyond irrational that I wanted to pull my hair out. By the way, that wasn’t the deal breaker, nor was the cramped screen. The deal breaker was the Game Boy version of Milon’s Secret Castle suffers from slowdown constantly, even when there’s hardly anything on screen. By 1993, I feel a developer of the caliber of Hudson Soft should have been able to do better than this. Maybe for 1993, it was cool to have a close approximation of a 1986 NES game in portable form, but it’s not 1993 anymore and there’s no reason to play this today. It’s certainly not a good version of Milon’s Secret Castle. It feels like the whole game could crash at any moment. The “improvements” aren’t so much “improvements” as they’re the easy mode of the NES game, but their gains are negated many times over by the problematic mechanics. Game Boy Verdict: NO! But this review is not over.
SPLIT DECISION: NES VERSION
This thing looks like the cartoon villain of a breath mint commercial. Or a wet wipes commercial. By the way, Milon has a timing issue with bosses. Some are practically fought back-to-back, and it feels jarring when that happens. I look at boss fights as a game’s metronome. They set a tempo. Milon’s metronome needs its batteries changed.
I made a good faith effort of beating Milon without a guide, and I did figure out a lot of it on my own. I Like I figured out on my own that, once you have the right item, there’s hidden doors in the overworld that you smash through with the right item. But, that came after a part I got stuck on. There’s pushable blocks in the rooms, only they don’t push right away. You have to walk up against them for longer than you would expect to activate the move, and I needed the guide to tell me that. I also needed the guide to explain the items before I bought them. Maybe the instruction books had this information, but I absolutely did need an assist playing Milon.
The climax was confusing as all hell. Maybe if I had spent a week trying to work this game out, I could have solved it on my own without a strategy guide. But it’s not so good that I want to put that kind of time investment into it.
With that said, I have zero objections to using strategy guides, and StrategyWiki has a highly detailed one for this game. Very nice. Plus, Milon isn’t so abstract that I needed it from start to finish. Actually, the climax of the game kind of threw me off. Because the fourth and final floor I finished in maybe two minutes, if that. I really wondered if I’d gotten the “correct” ending because it seemed too easy after everything that came before it. Well, it turns out that the ending is based on blind RNG luck. There’s only one door to enter on the fourth floor, and it brings you to a room that’s one color, and at the top of that room is a boss. Only, there’s a 75% chance it won’t actually be the final boss. It turns out there’s four rooms that are mostly identical except what color they are. You enter them by going left and right in the starting room, but I didn’t get a chance to do that because, on my first AND second times beating the game, the yellow room was the correct room.
It’s a dumb way to end the game. Stop and think about it: since there’s no way to logic-out which is the correct color room, ANYONE is just going to systematically clear out each room before moving onto the next. All this “twist” does is randomly decide how many times you have to do that before it counts. In the one and only time I beat the Game Boy version, it was the third room, and it was boring after the first room. So, Milon’s Secret Castle doesn’t stick the landing on a satisfying ending, but what led up to it wasn’t a bad game, actually. Okay, so there’s a lot of head-shaking dumb choices. One of the items is the feather. What does that do? See this elevator:
I didn’t get the best screenshots. I guess I didn’t realize how engrossed in the gameplay I was. That probably says more about how much I enjoyed Milon than the review does.
The feather allows you to stand on it. Otherwise, you clip through it. There’s a hidden shop at the top of the elevator shaft that contains the upgrade to your weapon. By the way, that is literally the only elevator in the entire game. But, like, getting the weapon upgrade makes it worth it, right? Well, sure. Except, you know, you don’t actually need to be on the elevator to enter the shop. A well placed jump from either side works just as well. Unlike the overworld, you don’t have to hold “up” to enter a door in the rooms. It’s automatically done when your sprite hits the right spot on the door. They needed to come up with something better for the feather, which is a relatively expensive item. Maybe make it spawn the door itself?
The green thing in this pic is the boxing glove, which cuts your sprite size in half. But, entering a shop in the level undoes its effect. There’s tons of trap doors in Milon’s Secret Castle that were clearly placed where they were to prevent players from soft locking.
Milon has even more problems that would be deal breakers in most games. The combat is just not that good, in my opinion. Hell I’d even go so far as to say that element is well below-average. Your bubbles can be aimed high or low, but they never feel like they pack a punch. Enemies can be cheap, but even when they’re not, they don’t have memorable design or complex attack patterns except a single fireball that’s indestructible unless you possess a specific item, and even after you do it takes sixteen hits to kill and doesn’t pay off. It feels like something that was meant to be important, only the important part was left on the drawing board. Worst of all is that the bosses are not fun. Okay, maybe the first is, but since they’re all kind of samey, that wears off since they all have, more or less, the same attack patterns. The controls are a little stiff, especially the jumping before you get the power-ups that fix it. This is a fairly early NES game, and the developmental learning curve is plainly visible.
This maze is a one-off type of level that was the only “stage” I felt was no good.
But Milon’s Secret Castle never feels like a game that you would play for combat anyway. For all badly designed mechanics, the exploration and startlingly well-done level design make it all work. Seriously, this is a 1986 NES game. Having every level feel unique didn’t happen all that much back then. Even Super Mario Bros. didn’t pull THAT off. But, because such care was taken to make each room feel different, Milon aged better as a fantasy experience than most games. A lot better, in fact. Hudson didn’t come out of Adventure Island: The Definitive Review looking amazing, and a lot of their early NES games were rougher than sandpaper. Milon’s is just as rough as any other game from this stage of the NES’ existence. But Milon’s Secret Castle makes it clear: someone at Hudson Soft knew what they were doing. NES Verdict: YES!
“I didn’t know that was a Zelda game!” One of the kids. I laughed.
I’m not trying to single out Konami. I mean, not maliciously, at least. But, they have an extensive library that’s mostly collecting dust. 99% of their catalog has no presence in modern gaming. So I’m going to keep doing these features until they start doing more compilations, and BETTER compilations. One franchise they own after their acquisition of Hudson Soft is Adventure Island. While they published a Japanese exclusive PS2/GameCube game and a WiiWare title (not included in this feature) along with several releases for Nintendo’s Virtual Console service, they haven’t really done a lot with it since. It’s been over a decade since the franchise’s last release, unless you count New Adventure Island’s appearance in the TurboGrafx-16 Mini. That doesn’t really work for me. So, like I did with Konami Shoot ’em Ups and McDonald’s video games, let’s make a pretend set!
2026 will mark the 40th birthday of the series, so I want you to pretend that I’m reviewing a compilation called Adventure Island 40th Anniversary Collection. I think it would retail for between $29.99 to $39.99. Assuming the collection has all the expected emulation bells and whistles and earns my mandatory $10 in bonus value, the eleven games have to create $20 to $30 in total value to combine with the emulator and match the expected retail price range. I’m adding a bonus review of a ROM hack of Adventure Island that I think would be a great example of a bonus feature for such a collection that isn’t so far out of bounds that there’s no chance something like it would be included. Here’s the lineup:
Imagine what their kids will look like.
Adventure Island (NES)
Adventure Island (MSX)
Takahashi Meijin no Bug-tte Honey (Famicom)
Adventure Island II (NES)
Super Adventure Island (SNES)
Adventure Island (Game Boy)
New Adventure Island (TurboGrafx-16)
Adventure Island 3 (NES)
Adventure Island II (Game Boy)
Adventure Island IV (Famicom)
Super Adventure Island II (SNES)
Adventure Island Abridged (NES ROM Hack)
WONDER BOY vs. ADVENTURE ISLAND
Adventure Island is always on the left. Wonder Boy for arcades is always in the center. Wonder Boy for the Sega Master System is always on the right.
Adventure Island (1986 NES)
Wonder Boy (1984 Arcade)
Wonder Boy (1987 Sega Master System)
Before I get started, I suppose I should mention Wonder Boy, even though it really only matters for the first game in the franchise. What happened? Well, it’s really not THAT complicated. Sega already owned the rights to Wonder Boy by the time Hudson took a license. How is that possible? Well, because the gameplay was owned by Wonder Boy’s original developer, Westone. But, Westone could technically still license the formula, level design, and basically everything but the name and character sprites. It was wise of them to do so, as Adventure Island for the NES/Famicom is far and away the most successful version of Wonder Boy and the only member of either franchise verified to have sold a million copies.
Adventure Island (1986 NES)
Wonder Boy (1984 Arcade)
Wonder Boy (1987 Sega Master System)
Since I love to do food for thought bonkers conspiracy theories, here’s one for you: I wonder if Hudson took the license to keep their options open with the Mickey Mouse license they already had. If development on their own in-house Mickey Mouse title for the Famicom wasn’t coming along well, they could just parachute him into the Wonder Boy framework they now co-owned. Is it THAT hard to imagine putting a Mickey Mouse sprite into these settings? Anyway, Hudson removed the Wonder Boy characters and replaced them with a guy named Takahashi Meijin. Who is that? He basically became a spokesman for Hudson Soft and was famous for being able to mash buttons crazy fast. He was VERY popular in the 80s and early 90s in Japan, getting his own anime (which is basically based on Adventure Island), manga, and video game franchises. Adventure Island? That’s HIS franchise. For western releases, the character was given the more American sounding name “Master Higgins” but really, it’s Takahashi.
1st Boss – Adventure Island (1986 NES)
1st Boss – Wonder Boy (1984 Arcade)
1st Boss – Wonder Boy (1987 Sega Master System)
Thus, the great Wonder Boy/Adventure Island split was now set to happen. Despite the typical hand wave of the two games being identical, they’re actually not the same exact game. Wonder Boy doesn’t have the fireball upgrade for the axe. That’s a BIG deal. As challenging as Adventure Island is, the fireballs and their ability to remove the stones and large boulders actually makes it significantly less challenging than the coin-op. Well, provided you can hang onto it. There’s idiosyncrasies to the controls, too. I think Adventure Island has easier jumping, while I found the skateboard controlled better on the coin-op. In my full no-cheating playthrough of Adventure Island, I never managed to finish a stage while still riding the board even once. Wonder Boy has no bonus stages at all and is missing many of the invisible eggs from Adventure Island.
The Sega Master System version of Wonder Boy has to be one of the most overrated ports in gaming history. Of the three “major” versions of Wonder Boy, it controls the worst, EASILY. If you’re curious why I could match the NES and Arcade pics but not the SMS ones, it’s because there were no matches in the corresponding stages on SMS. In fact, level 1 – 4 has an extended stretch where there’s no enemies or anything. That’s what the picture above is. While the graphics are very impressive for the time frame and it adds warp zones and “bonus” worlds, seriously, who cares? Gameplay is king, and the gameplay of Wonder Boy SMS is not up to snuff. In 2025, that’s all that should matter. I’m already working on Wonder Boy Anniversary Collection: The Definitive Review but I’m spacing myself out since playing different versions of the same RPG over and over is exhausting.
Finally, the (terrible) Sega Master System port of Wonder Boy has a 9th world followed by a hidden 10th world if you collect all 36 dolls (aka the pots from the NES version). Besides the hidden eggs and bonus stages, there’s no hidden content on the NES game. I’ll be reviewing Wonder Boy Anniversary Collection in the near future, but I wanted to make it clear that Adventure Island, despite its status as a full re-spriting of Wonder Boy, has its own individual gameplay merits and detriments that are worthy of consideration.
GAME REVIEWS
For those not familiar with my way of thinking of how retro games should be reviewed, I take NO historical context into account. I don’t care how important a game was to the industry, because that doesn’t make a game worth playing today. The test of time is the cruelest test of all, but every video game must face it. I might not be here if not for Pong’s success, but I wouldn’t want to play it today. Not when there’s better options. Therefore, when I review retro games, every game gets either a YES! or a NO!
YES! means the game is still fun and has actual gameplay value when played today and is worth seeking out.
NO! means the game didn’t age gracefully and is not worth seeking out, and certainly not worth spending money on.
VALUE DISCLAIMER: The value I award any game in any collection, real or imaginary, should NOT be compared to the values I award games in other features. All value is relative to the games in the collection only, not to all games I’ve ever played or reviewed in other collections.
IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER
Hudson’s Adventure Island aka Takahashi Meijin no Bouken Jima Reworking of Wonder Boy by Westone Bit Entertainment Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System Released September 12, 1986 Developed by Hudson Soft NO MODERN RELEASE Wikis: Wonder Boy – Strategy
Seconds after this was taken, Master Higgins attempted to jump Springfield Gorge on his skateboard. Wait, wrong Definitive Review.
I’ve previously never liked Adventure Island. I’d also previously never really treated it like a raw video game challenge. Usually, I only try to ace a game if I have fun with the experience. Castlevania is a game I wanted to beat without losing a life. Same with Contra. A reason why is that those games offer set-pieces, unique settings, different bosses at the end of each stage, and a sense of grandeur. Adventure Island offers 32 levels, but you’ve seen every type of enemy, including the bosses (more or less) by the end of the first world and every setting once you reach level 4 – 2. It also has a big learning curve to the movement physics, especially the jumping. There’s two specific heights to your jumps, the highest of which requires you to either be holding B or jumping after already having jumped. Plus you have to factor-in momentum when you land. It’s safe to say that sliding into enemies is going to cause a lot of your deaths, maybe even more than death by pits. That’s why I was certain I’d be miserable reviewing this. I wasn’t.
The above screenshot had me literally scream with excitement and joy, but on a second or two delay. I didn’t get a good shot of it, but Master Higgins’ sprite passed right through that frog that’s left of the rock in that first pic, since were both mid-air at the time. This was after my practice sessions, during one of my runs where I disabled rewind. When it happened, I had to take a moment to process “no, I’m not in the death sprite.” Then came the hooting and hollering. It was exhilarating! I’ve never been so happy to have a collision detection f*ck-up. It wasn’t a one-off, either, as I had plenty of moments like that playing Adventure Island. That’s because this time I went in with a different attitude than I normally have playing games like this. Instead of looking for a gaming experience, I treated it like a gaming test. A challenge. Could I beat it, straight-up, no cheating? Actually, my challenge was “could I beat it, no cheating, without needing a continue?” That challenge I failed, and then failed again and again in subsequent attempts. But, in my best run, I only needed one continue to see the ending.
In order to continue, you have to collect Hudson’s logo, this bee, at the end of level 1 – 1. I never managed to come close to beating the game without it. While I reached the point that I could beat Abridged (the ROM hack that I review as a bonus at the end of this feature) without dying, my best run in normal Adventure Island saw me make it to 7 – 1 before eating a Game Over. By the way, even with the bee you need to do a code to continue. You have to hold a direction, apparently any direction, and press start. Why not just let people continue?
After beating the game with cheating, I knew I had two weaknesses. Well, really three if you count the climax of level 8 – 3, which is the only part of the level design I feel crossed the line into outright bullsh*t. It’s a series of spread-out dropping platforms with trollishly-placed bats. I needed to rewind and do it about three dozen times on my first playthrough just to finish it once. I never reached the point where I could do it twice in a row, either. You need pitch-perfect timing, alternating between holding B to run and pushing B to throw your weapon or else the bats will kill you. It’s harder than it sounds because of how the momentum of movement works. If this is part of the Sega Master System build, with THAT version’s physics? I honestly don’t know how I’ll be able to do it. Anyway, in my real playthrough? I needed four attempts but I got it. No problem (wipes sweat).
This is the only screenshot I got of the segment. I knew I could finish this without cheating. I’d practiced up and got the timing down. Still, it’s the hardest segment in the game, BY FAR, and when the time came, I wasn’t confident, and for good reason, as I dropped three lives on it. I had no lives to spare going into the final stage, but I did it! This is legitimately one of my proudest gaming accomplishments.
The reason why I wasn’t so confident is because the other challenge I’d practiced-up on didn’t go so well. Adventure Island has my old arch nemesis: ice levels. Actually, it wasn’t so much the levels themselves but rather one tactic they kept going to again and again: having you make a long jump that culminates with some form of a wall WITH an icicle hanging above the wall. These require very precise jumping because, if you hit the ground with any momentum, death is all but certain. So, how did I do? Well, in the first instance of this booby trap in level 4 – 3, I died twice in a row. Awesome, Cathy.
Level 4 – 3
Level 4 – 3
Later, the same trope got me again. So, I lost three total lives to that, but that wasn’t the bane of my existence. Before I explain what is, let me first state that the thing I was most wrong about with Wonder Boy/Adventure Island is the hunger system. It actually works really well to “keep you honest” by forcing you to constantly grab items. You CANNOT go into cruise control playing Adventure Island, but the hunger system also creates tons of risk/reward situations throughout the game. Even though I practiced up, I didn’t exactly memorize the locations of the food or what levels went stretches where the food drops become stingy. Sometimes, even low on health, it’s tempting to pass up a higher risk food item, or maybe one that you’d have to turn around to get. It’s REALLY well done and one of the best health mechanics in an 80s game, arcade, home, or otherwise.
Level 7 – 1 was the end of my initial set of lives. What got me? The same thing that got me the most: the damn eggplant.
What especially makes the food work is the eggplant, which replaces the Grim Reaper from Wonder Boy. It’s worth noting that the eggplant goes away a lot faster than the Grim Reaper does, but I think Adventure Island’s eggplant drains health quicker. When you have it, you have to sprint and collect food fast, because you will run out of health in just a few seconds once the eggplant is activated. If I can get the damn eggplant locations memorized, I probably could do a no-continues run through the game. I had an uncanny knack for getting them when my health was already trickling away. Later in the game, they created multiple situations (sometimes twice in one level) where the eggplant is all but unavoidable. Maybe. I learned to jump over the bad one in 8 – 1.
I went full pony on this one (I screamed until I was a little hoarse). This is NOT a life I should have lost. This was just stupidity.
For the most part, I did pretty damn good. More importantly, I had a ton of fun. I didn’t when I was practicing. While I still firmly believe that you need to include all emulator features with EVERY game (at least when it’s possible), this is certainly a game that doesn’t benefit from taking a full game tour just for the sake of it. Levels are too samey for that, and so are the bosses. Only the last one feels like it’s not just adding hit points, and really, it’s only because of the angle it throws fireballs. Otherwise, the bosses are arguably the weak link in the game. They’re not even as strong an end-of-level boss as Bowser is in the original Super Mario Bros. Bowser changes up tactics more than these eight bosses do.
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So, if you just want to veg out and use an emulator to play a game from start to finish, consider this game a NO! because it’s just too limited. It can’t get away with the same thing, say, a Castlevania game can. The sights and sounds just aren’t that interesting. Once you’ve seen all the enemies, the game has nothing left to offer. Adventure Island’s sole value is as a well-developed, clockable, white-knuckle platforming challenge. What makes it work is how damn “pure” it is for a lack of a better term. There’s no twists or turns and no unexpected GOTCHA! moments. Well, except the eggplants but the placement of them always feels fine-tuned. Most notable of all: the game scales damn near perfectly. It’s a remarkable achievement given how few enemies, settings, items, and environmental hazards they had to rearrange. Even late in the game, Adventure Island will throw at you a new arrangement of the same enemies or hazards that’s ever so slightly tougher than the previous similar arrangement. I’m going to assume they didn’t just luck-out with it and this is a game made with full awareness of the why of gaming difficulty. As an experience, Adventure Island runs out of steam in 15 to 20 minutes, if that. As a test of your raw platforming skills? Adventure Island is actually immune to aging and, arguably, the perfect platformer. Verdict: YES! **FLIP** – $5 in value added to Adventure Island 40th Anniversary Collection
Takahashi Meijin no Bouken Jima aka Adventure Island aka Wonder Boy, apparently. Platform: MSX Released in 1986 Developed by Hudson Soft NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED Listing at Generation-MSX
Death by rock is only acceptable when paired with “roll.” And cocaine.
Do you know why I died in the above picture? Because I had been on a skateboard and crashed into the rock, but that took away all my momentum, and then I couldn’t move myself off the rock and went from nearly full health to no health. Here’s the only other screenshot I got of it from a second before.
I assure you I *am* stuck on that rock. It literally juggled me to death even though I was trying to move off it and holding the direction pad the entire time.
It’s indicative of a larger problem with the MSX build of Adventure Island. The whole “momentum physics” of the coin-op Wonder Boy is taken to an extreme here. Like, if you jump on a spring and you don’t already have full momentum, there’s a very good chance you’ll land on the spring’s sprite. Directly in front of it at the most. Whatever. Don’t expect this to be a port of the NES game. Instead of having thirty-two levels, there’s.. ahem.. eight. Total. Takes maybe ten minutes to finish, even if you die. Fifteen minutes tops, and every second of that is awful. Sorry MSX fans. You know I love you and I love MSX, but this is a TERRIBLE port.
As if the game itself wanted the suffering to end as quickly as possible, the last level starts you with the MSX equivalent of the fairy to give you a free pass through the first third of the stage.
Despite the classic Adventure Island hero sprite, this is clearly more Wonder Boy. Hell, I looked for the ROM for a solid two or three minutes before my father asked “is it called Wonder Boy?” It was. Even the music is adapted from the coin-op instead of the NES game. But, it feels more like an Atari attempt at either. While the game has eggs, you automatically start every life with a weapon anyway. Only it looks more like a boomerang you’re throwing. All enemies, including the frogs, die in one hit and they’ve never been less of a threat. Except the wolves, which no longer have a warning flower. The game tries to squeeze a lot of challenge into a tiny package, but once I realized I had to hold B to jump even when it SEEMED like I didn’t need it, I was fine. Until the bosses at least.
No joke, that really is the last boss. It looks like a smug version of He-Man. Granted, there’s only two bosses, but the first one doesn’t look THAT dorky.
The bosses throw quick-moving fireballs that bounce across the screen. Because the act of turning around takes more time in this version than any other, the bosses are actually pretty dang hard to beat. That’s probably a good thing since Wonder Boy/Adventure Island/Takahashi would be completely toothless without them. The MSX has a lot of amazing games. Hell, the MSX library out-earned the NES library in Konami Shoot ‘Em Ups: The Definitive Review. But, the only value of Adventure Island on MSX would have for the Adventure Island set is as curio. They should still include it as a bonus, but I somehow doubt anyone would play it for more than a minute or two. It’s pretty dang bad. Short, broken, and miserable. Hell, if this had come out in 1989 I’d think it might be my long-lost twin. Verdict: NO!
Takahashi Meijin no Bug-tte Honey Platform: Famicom Released June 5, 1987 Developed by Hudson Soft Never Released Outside of Japan NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED Wikis: Wonder Boy – Strategy
The two screenshots below are from the same game, taken just about 10 seconds apart.
If you’re saying “what the f*ck?!” hey, I’m right there with you! Okay, so first off, THIS IS the second game in the Adventure Island franchise. It’s actually based on an anime that was loosely based on Adventure Island called Bug-tte Honey or “Honey Bee in Toycomland.” While you might consider it a spin-off, it has four worlds, three of which you play as Takahashi, aka Master Higgins. The object of the game is to collect the eight characters that make up the password of each stage. It’s not a password in the “input characters and return to the stage you were on” sense. It’s a macguffin that finishes the stage. To get the letters or numbers that form the passwords, you have to collect them from the brick breaker stages. Each stage’s overworld has ten hidden eggs, as in “they’re invisible until you shoot the spot they’re located.” It’s pretty much identical in that sense to another Hudson Soft game that was released three months before this: Mickey Mousecapade. You know how you shoot the wall with the stars in that game and it reveals life or fairies or hidden passageways? Like that, only with eggs. It looks like this:
One of the ten eggs flashes. It tells you what your progress is on the password but otherwise is only good to clear the screen of baddies. Eight of the ten eggs take you directly into a brick breaker stage, while the final one that’s indistinguishable from the “right” eggs is actually a whammy that sends you to brick breaker hell. And I do mean that literally.
You can’t break any of the bricks in hell and just have to bounce the fast-moving ball around until it escapes through the top. In the overworld, the locations of some of the eggs and the order of which eggs take you to which brick breaker stage apparently changes from game to game, which is really the only major positive thing I can say about Bug-tte Honey. The overworld is four or five screens wide and contains buildings you can enter, each of which contains a single egg that’s also hidden somewhere within. This part of the game is essentially the Sega shmup classic Fantasy Zone (which I will be giving the Definitive Review treatment sometime in the near future), only as a platformer. Well, except for the first stage. Level One ignores the platforming bits and IS Fantasy Zone, since you play as a flying fairy and can move freely around the screen.
The interiors of the buildings are about two or three screens wide, but often the egg is just right there near the door. Every single one of these, throughout the entire game, feels like a complete waste of a mechanic. They’re mostly empty and offer nothing besides the act of finding that one egg.
The physics of the platforming bits are like a slightly warped version of Wonder Boy/Adventure Island. The problem is that those physics are made for a game that’s really about just moving right, jumping over gaps, and throwing axes. This isn’t like that. You have to explore, and having sluggish controls with enemies like these? Not fun. The enemies really are very shmup-like, often spamming the screen in all directions with projectiles. They can fire so many at once that I often just had to accept taking damage and hope a heart was underneath one of the destructible fixtures. I didn’t, say, rewind the structure over and over until I got a heart. Why would you think that?
Once most enemies start shooting, they don’t stop shooting. I’d kill this guy, but you can’t attack through those dark gray stones. You know, like he can! You can try scrolling them off the screen, but they’re just as likely to return with a friend as they are to vanish. If I want to move left here, I have to accept, at minimum, a single shot of damage. The life-bar is functionally pointless because you have three hits no matter how full it is, so really, you can only survive getting pinged twice before dying.
When you find the eggs, the game becomes a sort of Arkanoid-like brick breaker, only it’s two-screens tall. There’s an upper and lower screen, sort of like Nintendo’s Pinball. If the ball falls out of the bottom screen, you lose a paddle. Lose three paddles and you lose a life and you’re sent back to the overworld. If, while transitioning from the bottom to the top screen you hit the ball with the underneath side of the top paddle, the ball becomes pink and can break through multiple blocks. There’s one type of enemy who I never figured out what exactly they do. Even though they hit my paddle plenty of times, they never killed me. This isn’t a cheating thing, either. I honestly never figured out the point to them besides they sometimes cause your ball to ricochet off in another direction. I only just now learned they remove the red from your ball. Which wears off anyway. I mean, it’s so inconsequential that I literally have no clue why they’re there. I guess because Arkanoid has enemies.
See the letter? That’s the point. Or possibly a whammy.
Now, here’s where Bug-tte Honey lost me for good. Well, besides the Arkanoid layouts being pretty bad. My ball got caught in back-and-forth cycles so many times that it just made the whole thing agony. The first time it happened, I thought I’d soft-locked the game because it went on so long that it seemed like they had nothing in place to resolve this. Eventually the ball changed direction spontaneously, but only after what felt like an eternity passed. But, what makes it even worse is there’s fake letters hidden with the real one. Each of the eight Arkanoid puzzles in every stage has one, and only one, authentic letter. The other three will instantly kill your paddle. How do you know which is the real one and which isn’t? If you don’t look up the solutions (which never change, though there is a second quest with four new passwords), you’ll have to rely on pure blind luck for the first couple rooms.
I’m going to spoil one egg location for you. In world four, this is the only hidden egg that has a special rule attached. You have to press the fire button 16 times in a single second in honor of Takahashi Meijin, who the statue is based on. I had to use the autofire function on my controller, cranked up higher than I normally have it set, and even then, it took me a while to figure out where to do it from. Actually, I spent over an hour looking for the egg before I gave up and looked it up in a guide, which explained the 16 shots a second thing, and instructed me to not stand directly on top of the statue but close to it. It didn’t work. How did I finally get it? Standing directly on top of it.
I didn’t understand the rules at first and so I did spoil the first world. I didn’t for worlds 2 – 4. Well, I did figure out the passwords for worlds two and three. World four’s was complicated because it introduced numbers to the equation and I ended up eating a ton of whammies. Anyway, I found this whole premise to be pretty dumb in general. I’m of the opinion you’re either in the mood for a brick breaker or you’re in the mood for anything else. It’s typically not compatible with other genres because it’s a genre that goes at its own pace.
The bombs blow-up entire rows, provided they aren’t interrupted by an unbreakable block. Oh, and the correct letters can be in either screen, so 32 brick breaker rooms is really 64.
“Last Mother F*ck’n Brick Syndrome” is in full effect here, and it murders the flow of the game. Even though there’s a couple Arkanoid-like boosts, including an unlimited ray gun (though it does take a couple seconds to charge between shots) and an item that allows you to knock the live ball back up in the air before it hits the paddle. But, most of the puzzles incorporate indestructible blocks that the gun can’t shoot through. You can’t leave a stage until all the bricks on the top section of the Arkanoid levels are cleared. If the item is falling in one direction and the ball another, you’re screwed! Enjoy replaying the stage. Is it at least an enjoyable brick breaker? Watch this and try to guess how I would answer:
And the paddle doesn’t seem to have the kind of segmented English you would expect. Hell, a few times the ball got caught in a vertical up and down volley, which makes no sense. The paddle should be divided into an even number of segments, with the first half knocking the ball to the left side and the second half the right side. Apparently, they didn’t program it like that. Finally, there’s three boss fights. They take maybe ten seconds each and are easy. So, while I admire that they did a highly experimental type of game, I really thought Takahashi Meijin no Bug-tte Honey was a horrible game. It wasn’t hard to figure out why this never was reworked for Americans. It’s too bad Hudson never tried the same thing as the overworld’s Easter Egg hunt, only with unique Mario Party-like mini-games. The egg hunt aspect I actually could see working with a variety of games, but not when every single egg sends you to a poor man’s Arkanoid after you just finished the platforming equivalent of a bullet hell. Verdict: NO!
Adventure Island II aka Takahashi Meijin no Bouken Jima II Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System Released February, 1991 Developed by Now Production Published by Hudson Soft NO MODERN RELEASE Wikis: Wonder Boy – Strategy
Well, Adventure Island II is just about the most perfect NES platformer from a mechanical point of view. It’s got the same basic jumping physics and momentum physics as the original game, only refined to the point that nobody would call it “unresponsive.” Besides a couple rare collision moments that made me raise an eyebrow, AI2 is clearly in an elite class. I mean seriously, as far as play control goes, it belongs with Super Mario Bros. 2 and 3. That’s why it pains me to say that Adventure Island II is f*cking boring. It’s one of the most joyless games I’ve ever played. It’s just so toothless and lazily designed that it almost feels like the team was hoping to apply the mechanics to any game but a sequel to Adventure Island. Like, in the first world there’s two completely flat straight-line levels that don’t even have a pit to jump over. Just walk right and throw a hammer sometimes. As if whoever is playing this has NEVER PLAYED A GAME BEFORE. It feels genuinely condescending. This is a sequel for f*ck’s sake!
Even the dreaded swimming stages control like butter, with or without the plesiosaur.
Now, I don’t really play video games specifically to be challenged. I’m an experience seeker. I play video games like this to become immersed in a fantasy experience. I’m a non-athlete and a coward. I’m pretty sure if I fired a machine gun there would be a me-shaped hole in the nearest wall behind me. But hand me a game controller and I’m a renegade combatant taking down an alien invasion, or the latest in lineage of vampire slayers, or, um, Fred Flintstone. Okay, so that last one sounds silly, but as long as the game is done well enough, I could believe it. But, I never got immersed in this game. Adventure Island II’s dev team went to all the trouble of creating pitch-perfect controlling mechanics and then dragged their feet to take them out for a spin.
The level immediately following this is another totally flat straight line with no gaps to jump over. They needed to cut the levels by, oh, 40%. Maybe 50%.
Adventure Island II’s first three-to-four game worlds feel like they would be early world one levels, if not outright tutorial stages, in any other game. This game’s difficulty curve is as flat as its level design. I might not be seeking a challenge specifically, but I do expect to, you know, do stuff! Calling this uninspired is underplaying it. It’s like a baby’s game, honestly. I don’t know if they thought players would be overwhelmed with the four dinosaurs. Except three out of four control intuitively. The fourth, the pteranodon, is about as rough as the typical flying mechanics of any other platform game. It’s not a deal breaker. You also only get one weapon, the axe. No fireballs this time. Those are reserved for the red dinosaur. So I’m not entirely sure why the first twenty to thirty levels are so basic and bland. It’s not like they didn’t have the ability to make a tougher game. A couple of the later stages are pretty dang challenging and bold in design.
A level late in the game is based around the rushing wolves. Shockingly it was pretty well designed, with measured tension spots. They basically squeezed the wolf attack pattern for everything it could possibly do in this one level. I should also note that most of the stages are bite-sized. Maybe a quarter the size of Adventure Island 1’s stages.
But the fact that it took half the game to get to the good stuff, maybe even longer, sort of negates the value of everything good that eventually shows up. It shouldn’t take an hour or more of a 90 to 120 minute platformer to get to the good stuff. Hell, even then, the truly challenging levels are usually followed up with three or four more bland, basic, samey levels. I think a big part of the failure is they cut and pasted the enemies from the first game. But, those enemies only made sense in that game, with its less-than-perfect controls and difficult jumping physics.
While the bosses might have different sprites, most of them feel samey, just like Adventure Island one. They appear in one spot, then teleport to a different spot.
Now the controls are next to perfect and players are riding overpowered dinosaurs. Given that, those old enemies don’t make a lot of sense anymore. There’s only a handful of new enemies, and at one point, a volcano that spits out three pieces of lava at once. But the overwhelming majority of enemies retain their exact attack patterns from AI1. Try to imagine if Nintendo cut and pasted the exact versions of Super Mario 1’s enemies into Super Mario 3 and put most of the new enemies in the swimming stages or in the ice stage in world 6. How fun does Super Mario 3 sound now? Not very fun, huh?
The volcanoes show up at the tail end of the game. You’ll also notice my dinosaur literally swimming in the lava. The red one is immune.
Actually, a bigger problem might be the new inventory system. You’re allowed to take any dinosaurs you finish a stage with or even the axe itself and bank them for use later. Since the first two or three dozen levels are completely gutless, you can quickly max out the inventory for the tougher stages. This idea was broken from the start and should never have been implemented. Hell, if I had actually used my stockpile EVERY stage, I wouldn’t have had any material at all to work with. I was playing the majority of the stages in the first few worlds without even an axe to start the stage and was still making minced meat out of them. The dinosaurs, especially the flying ones, make it too easy to circumvent the levels. So, most of my final inventory I’d accumulated at the start, until the game stopped spitting them out. This was what I had left going into the final level:
I know how many times I died. Nine total times. The first time wasn’t exactly the game’s fault. I swear to God I died because I was glancing at the NBA Finals Game 6. So that wasn’t a REAL death. That came in the ice stage in world four, then in that same world I died twice to the fourth boss (the only boss that killed me) and once trying to make my way to it. I also died once from a skateboard that you get at the start of a stage because what followed getting the board seemed like it would be damn near impossible to survive with the skateboard. I skid into three total things, two of them involving the snake.
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I should note the sixth death was the worst one. At that point, they decided the best way to actually do a challenge was to just not spawn the fruits in some levels and let you starve to death if you don’t B-run the whole stage. How can you tell those levels from others? Well, you can’t. “I guess you better B-run every stage that comes after and not take a moment to enjoy anything at all.” That’s why you can’t do that type of thing. Oh, and you’ll notice my counter remains at 9 lives. It’s because you’re practically tripping over extra lives in this game. Literally once I got to 9 lives, every time I lost one I immediately got one back. Normally I do at least one play session with rewind/save states, but here, that wasn’t necessary.
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The final really bad idea is that there’s alternative levels in every stage. How do you get to them? Well, you have to die while fighting a boss. Not even on the boss stage, either. Specifically you must be killed fighting the boss. I didn’t discover this until I died twice fighting the octopus.
Presumably this means there’s levels that no human being has ever played involuntarily because most of the bosses are such pushovers that I can’t imagine anyone ever lost a life to them. I just don’t understand any of this design mentality. Adventure Island II isn’t a total wash. With its excellent controls, it might make for a great introductory platform game for young children. Like, ages 5 to 8. I know that sounds like an insult but I swear it’s not meant to be. It’s colorful and it has decent combat and fun to ride dinosaurs. Kids might love it. Platforming veterans, on the other hand, should be able to chew this up and spit it out without breaking a sweat, and they’re likely to be bored the majority of the time. As a sequel to an infamously punishing game? It’s a stunning collapse. It wasn’t until I played Adventure Island 3 that I really appreciated how epic a failure Adventure Island II is. Do you know what it feels like? A game with AI-designed levels. No effort. No heart. No soul. Verdict: NO!
Super Adventure Island aka Takahashi Meijin no Daibouken Jima Platform: Super Nintendo Entertainment System Released January 11, 1992 Developed by Produce! Published by Hudson Soft NO MODERN RELEASE Listing at Wonder Boy Wiki
This is the closest the game comes to a set-piece. It lasts, oh, about two or three seconds, twice in the level it appears in.
I swear, a rebound in the Adventure Island franchise is coming. But, at the time I was playing Super Adventure Island, I was saying to myself “this whole feature was a bad bad bad bad bad idea.” Well, at least they took my advice from Adventure Island II and cut the levels. There’s only twenty total stages divided into five worlds. The problem is, of the twenty levels here, two of them offer any substance, and the rest are bland, basic world one/tutorial type levels. It’s plainly clear now that there was zero inspiration behind the last couple Adventure Island games. Flat levels? Those are back.
This entirely flat level is not an opening stage. This is immediately after the first boss. This is level 2 – 1. Wow.
How about the swimming stages? Those were kinda decent in Adventure Island II. Lots of stuff to dodge, plus their stages weren’t plain straight lines. Well, Super Adventure Island has two swimming stages. They’re literal straight-lines with no solid features to swim around. Just, scroll right, kill enemies or just avoid them. Either/or. Continue to swim right until the game says you won. Did the second swimming level add anything to change up the previous one? Nope. Not even a single new enemy or obstacle. Just swim right until the game says you won. This might be the laziest game by a major studio I’ve ever played. Here’s the first swimming level in its entirety:
And here’s the second:
Why even bother with two swimming stages if you’re that out of f*cks to give about what those swimming stages include? Not that the other levels are better. The only new gameplay additions are the ability to duck, a super jump that’s done from the ducking position, and a boomerang. The eggs are gone completely. Items are just laying around now. Often, the axes or boomerangs are placed in a way where it’s hard to avoid switching them. I quit trying after a while because once you gather four of any specific item, they become fireballs, then that carries over if you’re forced to swap weapons.
The only two levels in the entire game that I thought were decent were 3 – 1 and 5 – 4. This is 3 – 1, and it’s a run of the mill vertical climb, but it’s okay. I guess.
The first couple bosses each took just a couple seconds to kill. The third boss took maybe 10 seconds and I just barely didn’t die from lava dripping on me. The fourth boss I thought was going to require finesse, until I realized my super jump was high enough to cause damage even if it didn’t seem like it. Finally, for the final boss they just stole the “move out of the way and let the bad guy smash through the floor” gimmick that Nintendo used for the Bowser fight in Super Mario Bros. 3. “Well, if people loved it in Super Mario Bros. 3, they’ll love it in this game, right? Let’s not strain our brains over here trying to come up with something original!”
Paaaaaaaaaathetic.
Like Adventure Island II, they created nearly perfect controls and mechanics, but the actual level design is boring so it goes to waste. If you’re one of those types of people who like to invent your own challenges and try to beat the game without picking up weapons or not upgrading your loadout, I don’t even think that’ll be an option here because the choice is often forced on you. By the end of the first level, I was an unstoppable tank. My death count for Super Adventure Island was significantly lower. I died nine times in Adventure Island II. For SUPER Adventure Island, I died once. It happened in level 5 – 1. Of course it was an ice level. I got sniped from behind by a penguin.
It’s ALWAYS the ice levels.
To the game’s limited credit, when I lost that one life, there was something resembling tension and excitement because it took me more than a full stage to get my tank-like loadout back. I didn’t need to be tense. I found out really fast that, with cautious play, the enemies aren’t that hard to avoid, at least for a minute or two while you build up your weapons. That’s when I realized that one of the biggest problems with Super Adventure Island is they just made the player too powerful. Being able to spam your weapons means not having to react to enemies with any sense of urgency. When I was capped at one boomerang or even two, the game was just better for it. Not by much, but by that point the mood had already been spoiled.
I wonder if this would have been tougher on an old CRT television? Because, like, I could see everything. This was more annoying than challenging.
Everything about the last two Adventure Island games has just been so arbitrary that you’d swear that they’re randomly generated. It’s like Hudson had a hit in Adventure Island 1 and the rights to make sequels, but nobody knew why the first Adventure Island (or Wonder Boy for that matter) resonated as much as they did. Apparently they determined it was the axe and the tropical setting. It wasn’t. What else is clear is nobody at Hudson knew what to do with it. They certainly weren’t at all curious about why other platform games were hits. What’s there to it? Just make a map, place a handful of enemies on it, you know, wherever, and maybe a jump or two and watch the money roll in, right? There’s no artfulness or logic to level design. That’s what’s missing from the first game. No sense that the enemies and jumps are very precisely measured. These sequels feel thrown-together. Consequently, the series was dead before 1995. But I swear, the losing streak will end soon. Verdict: NO!
Adventure Island Takahashi Meijin no Bouken Jima II Platform: Game Boy Released February, 1992 Developed by Now Production Published by Hudson Soft NO MODERN RELEASE
I wish they were all this easy to review. Adventure Island 1 on the Game Boy is a stripped-down version of Adventure Island II for the NES. You’ll note from the Adventure Island II review that there really wasn’t all that much to strip-down. They basically kept cutting until they reached that game’s skeleton. The big differences include having less enemies to deal with, the level design is even simpler (though less of the flat design than the NES game, oddly enough), high jumping is much easier, and the dinosaurs no longer separately help out during the boss fights. Also, bosses that teleported around the room stay mostly stationary now. Maybe. In fairness, I was killing them in under three seconds on the Game Boy, so for all I know they could change spots.
I came into Adventure Island GB with the same “I have to actually play the levels” mentality I had for the NES game. For most stages, I banked my axe and dinosaur I’d acquired the previous stage and started the next level with nothing. I never flew past a stage with the flying dinosaur, unless I found one within the stage (I found two the entire game). Other than using autofire, I took no shortcuts (actually I never found the offer to skip an island like I found in the NES version multiple times) and used no emulator trickery. I didn’t need it. Even without those things, I never lost a single life in my first and only play session with this.
Can I play whatever game he just got instead?
In fact, Adventure Island GB was so easy that I only lost a single dinosaur throughout the entire game, and that happened when the final stage had a water segment and I wasn’t riding the water dinosaur. That means I never once even took a hit from a baddie. I’m not a pro gamer over here, so that should tell you how easy this is. If Adventure Island II is like a baby’s game, then the Game Boy version is like something for the recently lobotomized. But, that’s not why I’m giving this a NO! All I’ve ever cared about is having fun, and Adventure Island is a repetitive, uninspired, soulless slog. Verdict: NO!
New Adventure Island aka Takahashi Meijin no Shin Bouken Jima Platform: TurboGrafx-16 Released June 26, 1992 Developed by Now Production Published by Hudson Soft NO MODERN RELEASE* Listing at Wonder Boy Wiki
*Included in all versions of the TurboGrafx-16 Mini/PC Engine Mini.
This is what I was kind of hoping for after the first Adventure Island.
It took a while but New Adventure Island is the first game after the original that actually feels like it’s attempting to be a sequel to the first. It adds a handful of new enemies, a handful of new settings, and a couple “new” items (though the SNES game had the boomerang already), BUT, it’s a no-doubt-about-it continuation of the original Wonder Boy’s formula. The level design mentality is the same. The controls and physics are largely the same. It’s certainly a little bit easier than Adventure Island. I was constantly dying playing New Adventure Island, but unlike AI2, I never came close to maxing-out the lives. It’s also nowhere near as repetitive as the first. They’ve subtracted seven levels total from the game. There’s twenty-five stages that are fairly fine-tuned to the same degree the first game is.
Even a straight-line skateboarding level isn’t REALLY a straight line, with excellent enemy placement and some tricky timing on moments where you have to dodge.
So, a total improvement on the original, then? Well, no. Unlike the first game, the challenge doesn’t scale as well as you’d hope. Per tradition, I lost a few lives on the ice levels. I was actually sweating that I might game over but then I started racking-up extra lives. In fact, the boss of those stages was the only one I lost a life against. But after the ice world, it was pretty clear sailing besides one or two mistimed jumps or the occasional GOTCHA death. It sure seems the ice boss, the finale of only the third world, who has an attack pattern that looks like this:
Should have been fought after the fire guy at the end of the fifth world, who has a very easy to dodge attack pattern that looks like this:
And while I’m on the subject, the sixth boss’ attack is so weak that you can even jump through the sprite at times.
You can see that I’m literally jumping through the ball. Apparently it’s not armed until it hits the ground.
Now granted, the levels are as poorly arranged as the bosses. Every single death I had after the ice level was pretty much a result of mistiming something in one of the castle stages. Every fourth level (plus the 25th level that is apparently world 7 all by itself) is a castle, and these do actually pose legitimate threats to your life count. The stages leading up to them? Not so much.
These things especially have some atypical timing about them. You certainly can’t just B-run your way through the castles. If I actually took my time, I probably could have aced the game after the 3rd world. I’m not amazing at taking my time in platforming games.
Actually, I never died outside of a castle after world three. Hell, when I got the eggplant, I realized I didn’t even need to worry about it. It doesn’t drain your hunger meter anywhere near as quickly as the original versions did. Maybe this is why I went into cruise control and paid the price for it in world seven, which is just a single castle stage where I lost all but my last life. The biggest adjustment I had to make was to the jumping. It took me a while to drum into my thick skull not to settle for landing on the edge of any platform, since I tended to clip through them. But there’s almost no edge-of-ledge jumps and every platform, even near the end of the game, is measured enough that you should be able to land in the center. Once I figured that out, I did enjoy New Adventure Island well enough. This is the direction the series should have gone all along.
I was down to my last life but made it to the final boss. My heart skipped a beat when I tripped over this guy, but it’s just a trip. I beat him on my first try. Well, his first form at least. Not so much for the second form. I was sweating that I would need to rewind to “continue” since I never found a Hudson Soft bee, but this game doesn’t screw around with that. You can just continue.
The fact that I ate a GAME OVER is a positive, even if it took a while. After the NES sequel and the Game Boy game, I wasn’t sure if the series had lost its nerve to actually be difficult. This is the right kind of challenging, and I’m all for it. New Adventure Island isn’t going to blow you away, but if you want a TRUE follow-up to the original Wonder Boy/Adventure Island that’s still an old game and not a more modern remake, this is your best bet. It has a couple mild surprises that worked well and some unexciting but suitable new settings. It’s not a major leap forward, but New Adventure Island offers a meaty enough challenge without going overboard, like the first game did at times. Even though I dropped a ton of lives during the climax and ultimately game overed, it was 100% on me for being impatient. There’s no insane level 8 – 3 jumping sequences here. Just a good, solid, challenging action-platformer. Really, isn’t that what the series should be? Verdict: YES! – $5 in value added to Adventure Island 40th Anniversary Collection
Adventure Island 3 aka Takahashi Meijin no Bouken Jima III Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System Released July 31, 1992 Developed by Now Production Published by Hudson Soft NO MODERN RELEASE Listing at Wonder Boy Wiki
Oh hey, what’s this? Memorable settings? An actual EXPERIENCE instead of levels that feel like they were generated by AI? This ain’t half bad!
After Adventure Island II, my expectations for the third NES game were right up there with my expectations that I could hit a ball out of Yankee Stadium. Like, maybe if Aaron Judge physically took me by the feet and swung me as a bat, but I don’t know if that technically counts as *me* hitting the ball out of the park or just Judge hitting one with an unusually shaped bat. Partial credit? No? Okay, well, either way Adventure Island 3 is actually a lot of fun. I know, right? And here’s the really weird thing: they didn’t change any of the mechanics of Adventure Island II. They just took those mechanics and built a better game around them. Since the difference between 2 and 3 is like night and day, that tells you how much developers need to focus on levels, huh?
This was my final load out in the life that finished the game.
Getting back to the mistakes: the item system is every bit as absurd now as it was in Adventure Island II. Let me explain this delicately: if every single item you picked up in a platform game was stored for later use, you could do a continent-wide domino rally because the genre would be full of push-overs. I might not seek a challenge specifically, but even people who play games because we’re experience seekers need some kind of push-back from the games. It’s good for immersion! I mean, unless you have a God complex. While I might have lost more lives playing Adventure Island 3, I was NEVER in danger of eating a game over. Let me show you just one more inventory screen.
Those crystals are prizes for perfect bonus rounds. They give you one extra hit. I never used one throughout the game.
That is my inventory after three levels. Not worlds. LEVELS. Go ahead and count it! There’s nine items on it. NINE! That means after only a couple minutes of playing Adventure Island 3, I had three times the amount of inventory than I had actual levels finished off. You just can’t do that sh*t and think it’s a net-positive for the game! This could easily be fixed, too: just limit players to banking only one of each item/dinosaur. That would add desirable risk/reward factors. Also, lose the pteranodon entirely, which is often just a free pass to a stage’s goal even if you skip the fruit. You know the P-Wing in Super Mario 3? The pteranodon is like that, only with you getting to keep it after using it. Also, if you switch to a different dinosaur while riding the pteranodon, don’t worry because you didn’t waste it. It’ll be waiting for you in the inventory screen between levels. Isn’t that kind of silly? It’s basically a cheat code without the code part.
The new dinosaur is a triceratops that I nicknamed “Tricera the Hedgehog” since its gimmick is that it can do jumping spin attacks just like a certain blue mascot. Its only other advantage is that it can walk on quicksand without sinking, which is basically useless since there’s only a tiny handful of quicksand appearances in the game. Each of those are about as wide as your average jump over a pit, or maybe slightly bigger. Also you’d basically have to stand still in those spots for them to pose any danger, which literally nobody is going to do because, you know, it’s f*cking quicksand! Tricera is right up there with the Cloak of Invisibility from Wizards & Warriors in the “useless power-up hall of fame.” BUT, look at those beady-yet-adorable puppy dog eyes. So cute I could just pinch it.
So the inventory system and some of the items are overpowered. But, unlike Adventure Island II, I wasn’t miserable playing this. The levels have actual design logic, with enemies placed in a way to pose a threat instead of just someone seemingly inserting them because it’s been a screen or two since you had to throw the axe at something. The boomerang shows up in AI3 (no relation to Allen Iverson), but it actually isn’t overpowered, and in fact, cost me at least two lives from misuse. You can’t spam it and have to wait for it to return before you can throw it again, making it MUCH slower to use than the axe. But, in return for that, you can throw it above you. Now that’s how you balance a weapon. It just works better from a game design perspective.
This gag is used a couple times in the game. Two eggs are presented. One has the eggplant, the other the fairy. Naturally on my first attempt I always picked the eggplant. By the way, I died every single time from it.
While I’m on the subject, I died from timing-out more playing Adventure Island 3 than any game I can remember. But, it never really does the dickhead “there’s no food in this level” thing either. There was only one instance where there was something that was so calculated, yet so far-fetched that it seems hard to even imagine they thought they could implement it, that I kind of want to shake hands with whoever came up with it. Okay, so I’m running out of heath and have to jump out of the water, but one spider and a bat are there. So I try to throw my axe to stop them, only the axe stops. Huh. In other words, there’s a hidden egg right there, only the hidden egg is shielding the bat and I really need to get moving because I’m out of health but the bat will kill me if I try to go forward and…… I ran out of time.
Oh! OH! You….. stinky poo bastards! That was downright dastardly! And actually kind of brilliant. The amount of fine tuning required that would assure the player was short on health there (and it had to have been fine-tuned because the next life had the same thing happen) and needing to rush AND avoid not one but two enemies working in collaboration with each-other? Well played! I mean, sure, a little too “trial-and-error” for my tastes, but Adventure Island has always leaned heavily into that. If you’re going to have trial and error gameplay, you might as well be clever about it instead of just setting lazy instakill booby traps. Adventure Island 3 is pretty much always clever about it.
So Adventure Island 3 is really good. Damn pretty game too. Okay, so some of the settings repeat, but it’s the NES. For the limitations, they did manage to get a lot of different locations. Most enemies feel like they maximize their potential. Ironically the only one not like that is the wolf, which was the one clever enemy usage in Adventure Island II. But Adventure Island 3 hell, I died on at least half the bosses. They actually put up a fight, but always a fair fight. The last boss ran a little long, but otherwise, they were highlights. So were the levels that led to them. Adventure Island 3, for all intents and purposes, IS just an expansion pack for Adventure Island II, except, you know, better in every imaginable way. It actually makes the previous game’s lack of effort stand out. Play both back-to-back. No joke. It’s fascinating to experience. Verdict: YES! – $6 in value added to Adventure Island 40th Anniversary Collection
Adventure Island II: Aliens in Paradise aka Takahashi Meijin no Boukenjima III Platform: Game Boy Released February 26, 1993 Developed by Now Production Published by Hudson Soft NO MODERN RELEASE
Like the previous Game Boy release, this is a stripped-down version of the previous NES game. And, much like the difference between Adventure Island 2 and 3, the Game Boy sequel is a vast improvement over the previous game. The whole “stripped-down” aspect is even more prominent this time around. Even when B-running, your movement feels slow. Jumping is high and sluggish, and momentum factors in a lot more. If it’s an ice level, it might take you two seconds to turn around and move off the space you’re on. That makes a BIG difference during the ice world’s boss stage, and especially when big boulders are rolling down a hill and you don’t have the right equipped weapon.
I didn’t mention the clock in the NES review, but it’s another dumb addition right up there with Tricera the Hedgehog. It’s like a Starman or Fairy, except you don’t actually kill anything. All hazards freeze and if you walk into them, you just kinda step up over them. This includes the little stones that you trip over, which somehow makes you hungry. Hey wait a second. IF you can just step over the rocks with the clock, why can’t you do it without the clock? The enemies are one thing, but they’re just stones for God’s sake!
Oh, and there’s one other thing I didn’t mention in the NES game, because I didn’t find it, because I wasn’t skipping levels. I can explain. There’s an overworld map that you go to before the inventory screen between stages. On the NES, it’s just a map with no icons or level markers. It looks like this:
On the Game Boy, it looks more like something from the Mario franchise, with pathways and icons for the levels. It looks like this:
Look how happy he is that you selected the next stage.
And I noticed on the Game Boy that there were pathways I wasn’t using. Something I never realized on the NES because it’s just an abstract map with nothing clearly defined in a “this is a level” sense. Well, it turns out, there’s branching paths. The rooms that have the fork have a very poor choice of word when they give you the branching path option. “EXIT” returns you to the stage, but the word for the branching path is “SKIP.” Well, since there are additional skip-like options, like the ability to SKIP straight to the current world’s boss, I never went the “SKIP” route. But near the end of the Game Boy title, curiosity got the better of me. So I gave it a try and:
Huh. Let me guess, the NES game had the same thing, right? Sorry it’s in Japanese but I figured I might as well see if that ROM felt any different while I was at it (it doesn’t, don’t bother). So, did I miss a bunch of stages?
Well……… crap. Okay, well, for what it’s worth, you’re not missing any amazing stages. For all the extra effort I made, hell, some of the levels felt nearly identical to ones I already played the first time around. No one-off set pieces or amazing hidden bosses you’re missing out on. I don’t even know why they bothered.
How is it these ice levels are still getting me so much more?
Anyway, the Game Boy title’s biggest changes are mostly to bosses, which all feel kind of smaller in scope. That’s due to having some of their more dynamic attack patterns removed due to hardware limitations. Plus the playfield is much more cramped as well. After playing the NES game, this felt so slow, small, and lacking. Don’t mistake this for being a bad game. It’s really not. I imagine a Game Boy owner in 1993 must have been VERY happy with this. But it’s not 1993 anymore. Unlike the Mario Land games which don’t have console counterparts, this is a port of an existing NES game that attempts nothing the console version didn’t, and it even retains the level ordering. Adventure Island II on the Game Boy was probably VERY good once, but for my 2026 set, it really only has value as a +1 bonus and a curio. Verdict: YES! – $1 in value added to Adventure Island 40th Anniversary Collection
While you’re reading this review third-to-last, this is actually the last game I played for this feature and it was VERY CLOSE on whether or not I saved the best for last. I hadn’t decided at the time I typed this sentence. Or this one. Okay, now, I’ve decided. No, wait, I haven’t. Maybe I should write the review first.
The last two official Adventure Island two releases of the classic era are a shift in genre, as they now enter the Metroidvania phase of their existence. However, only the first one, a Famicom exclusive, actually feels like it belongs in the Adventure Island branch of the Wonder Boy/Adventure Island family tree. Super Adventure Island II is basically the worst game in the Wonder Boy franchise. THIS is Adventure Island as a Metroidvania, and it’s awesome. What a shame it never came out in the States. I say this a lot about late-era Japanese exclusives, but this would have been the ideal send-off for the NES.
Near the starting house is Jurassic Park. Well, that’s what I called the homes of the dinosaurs you rescue, one of whom nerfs at least some of the heart room challenges. The designers were smart enough to only allow players to take out one dinosaur at a time, and actually, I’m pretty sure you can beat the game without ever mounting a single one. It would just be tougher.
Now, don’t get too excited. This isn’t exactly Super Metroid or Symphony of the Night over here. In fact, you never need to backtrack all that much. All the entrances to the game’s six distinct worlds are right near the starting house and open, one at a time, as you beat bosses. Exploration is such a cinch I didn’t even need to use a guide. It’s a very basic map with mostly basic platforming templates, but it just works. In fact, it works so well that I’m pretty pissed they didn’t build off THIS game for Super Adventure Island II. Adventure Island IV might be too basic. There’s not even that many roadblocks where you can’t get past a certain point until you get a certain item. Like this below, where you can’t make this jump on your own:
That’s a logical type of layout that you tease players with early, and then they return to it when they have the snowboard, right? Nope. Adventure Island IV doesn’t really do that type of thing. By the time you reach it, you already have the snowboard that allows you to build up momentum to jump higher. Think of this more as a six world, linear game that’s just structured differently. And not every level is fantastic. In fact, the only one that I think rises to the level of memorably excellent is the fifth stage, which is also the longest. It’s quite the trek up through clouds, then down to a desert, and finally through a gigantic pyramid. Inside the pyramid, it’s a maze with lots of false walls. That whole three-part segment was really well done. I wonder if they regret not making the rest of the game’s levels that big. The other worlds, including the finale, feel like two normal stages stitched together. Sometimes they’re so short that I was startled by reaching a boss when I did. For those stages, the level design is, you know, fine. Same with the combat. Same with the sense of exploration. It’s all fine. Even good, but nothing mind-blowing.
Seriously, fantastic level. Castlevania would be proud of this one.
There’s also a few head-scratching decisions. There’s rooms where the gimmick is you have to make your way across platforms to press a button that lowers another platform that allows you to reach an egg, which could contain something to increase your health capacity. One little problem though: if you have the flying dinosaur, you can circumvent all that and just grab the egg. Since those rooms were so fun that I could see a Game Boy title based solely around them earning a YES! and a buck or two in value, they really should have disabled the ability to use the dinosaurs in them. Also, they kept all the food around but now there the hunger meter is gone. What does the food do? Collecting eight refills a heart. The sense of urgency is gone, as a result. Part of me wonders if they had plans for the food to work the way it always had and they lost their nerve at some point.
If I had to choose the biggest problem with the game, it’s probably that they didn’t build enough stuff around the items you collect. I honestly think this right here is the last time you need to use the spear this way. I just got the damn thing.
It’s certainly a bizarre twist on the Adventure Island formula in other ways. You start out by throwing bones at enemies. What about the axe? What about the skateboard? They’re literally the last two things you collect! I didn’t even realize the game was building up to the axe. I get that the axe and skateboard are the icons of the franchise, but I wouldn’t think they’re “grand finale” iconic. I figured they just dropped them from the game. When you really stop and think about it, it makes no logical sense that they’re the big deal final items. They’re the literal basic items of the first game. It’d be like building a Zelda game around acquiring the most brittle sword in Hyrule. It also has a pretty damn lame map system. It looks like this:
What the heck is that? Adventure Island or Crystal Castles?
And since I’m complaining, I should note that autofire is an absolute necessity for this game, since there’s a few moments where you have to compete in a button mashing race in order to earn a medal that allows you to pass deeper into the world you’re in. There’s also post-boss set-pieces designed to show off new items you acquire that never worked for me at all and felt like an excuse to fast-travel you back to the hub world. Like at one point you win a surfboard, but you never again need to use that surfboard after you finish that brief segment. Like I said in one of the above captions: they needed to create more item-specific segments for the inventory you collect. Most of it will get used once or twice at most. On the other hand, the variety of weapons are nice, and many enemies have specific weaknesses to encourage experimentation. It’s a short game too if you want a Metroidvania that can be beaten in a single sitting. I finished it without a guide or cheating in four hours, give or take.
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As a spoiler warning, the next game, and the last official Adventure Island in this feature, really, really sucks, and I played it before this. I was pretty worried about Adventure Island IV after playing it. But I shouldn’t have been. Why this one works better (besides the obvious answer of being superior in every way, including graphics) is that this one remembered that it’s Adventure Island. From the movement physics to the combat to even the basic principles of level design, this still feels like it belongs to the Adventure Island franchise. They’re not suddenly trying to copy what Westone had been doing for over half-a-decade by the time this was released. Adventure Island did its own thing, and that’s the thing a Metroidvania based around it should keep doing. And hey, the end result is really fun, and that’s something the SNES sequel didn’t even come close to becoming. Better than Adventure Island 3? No, but I did have to think quite a while about it. Verdict: YES! – $5 in value added to Adventure Island 40th Anniversary Collection Add $1 in bonus value if a translation is included.
Super Adventure Island II aka Takahashi Meijin no Daibouken Jima II Platform: Super Nintendo Entertainment System Released October, 1994 Developed by Make Software, Inc. Published by Hudson Soft NO MODERN RELEASE Listing at Wonder Boy Wiki
Random encounters didn’t earn this game its NO! all by themselves, but they certainly came close to that.
The reason I played this before Adventure Island IV is because I had completely forgotten that Super Adventure Island II was a Metroidvania. I’d previously sampled it when I ran through SNES games in 2021, gave that brief hour or two a NO! and kind of vaguely knew the SNES games would be pretty miserable for this feature. That’s why I saved IV for last. I actually love 2D Metroidvanias. Gun to my head, they’re my favorite genre. So it really gives me no pleasure at all to say that Super Adventure Island II is the worst Metroidvania made by a major AAA I’ve ever played. It’s really shockingly horrible.
The currency system seemed pretty useless to me. Enemies only drop coins worth one, and that’s if you’re lucky and they don’t drop health or magic refills you don’t need. You’re dependent on finding these chests, but finding one should be enough to buy all the techniques. You have to acquire the ability to push, do a downward thrust, and do an upward thrust.
It couldn’t be more obvious that this was a cynical attempt to take Adventure Island in the same direction Westone took Wonder Boy, but they didn’t seem to fundamentally understand how to make those kinds of games. You’re given a huge world map with islands that you have to paddle a raft to. During the rafting, random attacks can happen. Do you get experience points? Nope. There are no experience points. It’s like a stripped down version of Zelda II, with only one background that you see over and over. The only thing that changes is the enemies. And because you’re on the water, hell, you might not be able to catch all the loot they drop. It’s just busy work. It does seem to be random too, because sometimes I could go straight from one island to another with only one random encounter, and other times so many happened as I tried to raft towards an island that I started screaming. The amount of spaces you can move before the next encounter seems to be decided as soon as you reach the map, so you can’t rewind around it.
Speaking of not being able to cheat, here’s the one thing I *did* try to cheat at. Now mind you that I never ran away from any enemy in the game and, when the coins dropped in a way where they weren’t impossible to get, I did collect them. I should have been loaded with cash when I reached the Casino before world four (of six) where you finally get a shop with items. And mind you, I didn’t actually go there when it opened up. I went there after the fifth world. The shop has a sword, armor, shield, the boomerang, and a half-heart. I bought the half-heart because who doesn’t want more life? It cost 1,275. But I had like 8,000 gold so no problem. Then I went to get the sword next and…… it was nearly 50,000 gold. Are you kidding me? The light shield is nearly 10,000, while the Armor is nearly 30,000, and the boomerang is 15,000. I think this is one of the first games like this I’ve ever played where I didn’t get a single one of the top items. I hadn’t cheated a single aspect of the game up to this point, but I was growing listless so I decided it couldn’t hurt the integrity of this review to use save states to cheat at the casino games. Hah, so much for that. After ONE HOUR of trying to stop the last reel on “7” using save states and having a lot of ones where it looked like the 7 was going to stop in the center, only it kept going in a way no other spin ever looked, I’m going to guess that it’s probably rigged to pay out after only X amount of spins. And by the way, if you DO get all 7s, you’re still 20,000 short of the sword. Had I won, I still couldn’t have afforded it.
Super Adventure Island II is NOT an adventure. It’s BUSY WORK: THE GAME. It has so much fumbling through menus and items and so much backtracking that it’s exhausting, and that’s even before I get to the level design. Let me walk you through an ordinary puzzle from the fourth level of the game. On the other side of these tunnels of dirt is a switch that I have to press.
Thankfully, I have a shovel. Unfortunately, there’s multiple buttons that go unused on the SNES pad in this game. Specifically, L, R, Select, and Start. So, to get the shovel, STEP ONE, I need to pause the game.
STEP TWO is I have to go to the “WEAPON MENU” and STEP THREE is I have to select the shovel. STEP FOUR is return to the main menu and STEP FIVEis to return to the game, where you’ll note that you no longer have your armor or shield. So I hope there’s no enemies around you, because you’re defenseless now. You can use the shovel as a weapon but it’s not very effective. Also, when you hold the shovel, you duck automatically, but you don’t duck when you jump, meaning while you can go through the bottom tunnel, you can’t come back that way because you can’t crawl and there’s no mechanic to get you back through the tunnel you dug. That’s why a lot of dirt tunnels come in pairs, one high and one low. Also-also, you cannot use the shovel while jumping. Also-also-also, you can’t climb ropes while using the shovel.
STEP SIX is to dig the tunnel to the switch, which is activated just by pushing it. That’s step seven right? Well, no, because there’s one “also” I left out about the shovel above. You also-also-also-also cannot push switches while holding the shovel. You know, that item you’re holding that has the word SHOVE in it.
STEP SEVEN is you pause the game to go to the menu. STEP EIGHT is selecting the weapons menu. STEP NINE is equip any sword. STEP TEN is you exit to the previous menu and STEP ELEVEN is you exit the menu to return to the gameplay, where you’ll note that your armor and shield are back. How nice of the game designers to throw you that bone. Now you can push the switch. If you’re a complete moron like me and didn’t dig your way out while you had the shovel up, repeat steps two through five and then step six your way out of the tunnel, then repeat steps seven through eleven so you can have an actual sword and armor equipped for whatever comes next. The minimum is eleven steps to push a switch on a wall when there are four unused buttons on the controller, two of which are action buttons. Are we having fun yet?
In this picture, I’m actively damaging the boss. This swing of the sword landed a shot. Draw a box around the boss’ sprite that reaches as far as the tusk does and it still makes no sense at all. Now, in fairness, this is the only time that the collision detection stood out THIS badly. And no, there’s no future vulnerable spot here. Actually, in this boss’ second form, you go for the eyes and brow. I legitimately have no idea how this is landing a hit. The trunk is not vulnerable at all. In fact, it’s a shield in the second form. It’s one of the most baffling collision issues I’ve ever seen.
The best aspect could have been the level design. I’m not so stone-hearted to say Super Adventure Island II got NOTHING right. In fact, I’d say more than half the levels would have average level-layouts appropriate for the genre. Except, even the positives are turned into negatives. Each of the first five worlds has a section that’s gated off. If you’re stupid enough to not use a guide, they might drive you crazy. Well, I didn’t use a guide for my first day with SAI2. It turns out, those gated-off areas stay gated-off until you acquire an item. Then you have to go back to those stages, play a flute inside these little shrines, and they open up the rest of the stage for you to get the macguffins that you need to enter world six. There are shortcuts and fast travel spells, but they also liberally seasoned unreachable treasure chests, including valuable life boosts, throughout the stages that you can’t initially reach, so using those shortcuts makes little sense.
The thing on the right wall is what the block switches look like. You have to turn them off to beat most of the worlds, but when you try to beat world six, surprise: you need them back on, which meant I had to go back to the first five worlds AGAIN. Then I returned to world six only to discover I had forgotten the one pictured above, and I almost threw my controller. I’m stunned I actually finished the game. I wanted to quit several times.
Now, average (if somewhat bland) level layouts can also be helped by quality combat, but Super Adventure Island II’s combat is just kind of samey and boring. The sword-based combat has no OOMPH to it. It’s feathery and lacking in a satisfying crunch, which sucks because all those random encounters might not have been so bad. You can get items like daggers or axes, but they aren’t much better. They just give you range. The enemies don’t really have complex attack patterns or memorable sprites. The bosses aren’t much fun to fight either, and they tend to be a little spongy as well. More telling than all of that is when I finally activated key moments to push the progress along, I wasn’t happy so much as relieved. I couldn’t wait to be done with this game. Go figure it took me two morning-to-night days to finish it. I spent more time playing this than all the other games combined INCLUDING my practice sessions with the first Adventure Island. And it was never even a little bit fun.
This is the second-to-last boss. The final boss’ door is directly above this one. Just two or three jumps above it, actually. But, after beating this thing, you’re sent back to the starting spot in the overworld and have to raft back to the island (or use the quick travel spell and hope enough things drop magic refills) then go all the way back through World Six again to make those two or three final leaps. Like I said, BUSY WORK; THE GAME.
I can deal with moments of blandness in a Metroidvania. Hell, I liked Castlevania: Circle of the Moon just fine and it has tons of problems like having way too many flat hallways, illogical backtracking and “key moments” that don’t feel important enough. But you can get away with some blandness if the core mechanics are fun. Or, failing that, cool sightseeing or set-pieces can carry mediocrity over the finish line. Super Adventure Island II has none of that. The settings are as commonly generic as it gets and never go the extra mile from a graphical point of view. There’s no stand-out moments. This isn’t a launch title. This is pretty deep into the SNES’ existence for a game to have almost no artistic ambition.
You’re fighting a space crayfish. This is the big finale after all that?
Once again, excellent (if completely unoptimized) controls and movement physics go to complete waste. I feel bad for whoever coded the controls of the bad Adventure Island games. Usually when games are this big of a disaster, the controls are abysmal. This controls great! That really tells you how badly done the level design is that I’m ranking this dead last, even lower than the MSX game. At least that was over with quickly. Even the story is ridiculous, and this has the slowest unskippable text I’ve seen in a long time. At best, AT BEST, some of the level segments rise to the level of average-at-best. And I feel bad for saying even that because I’m afraid someone might mistake that for saying there’s something of value here. This is one of the worst games I’ve played because it’s boring to the point of sucking the life out of you.
This game was rigged too. I only spent 20 minutes trying it, but I never got the 20 box.
I said they were aiming for Wonder Boy in Monster World type of vibes, but clearly Zelda II was an inspiration too. They missed the mark on both, as it doesn’t feel like a Wonder Boy game or even a bad Zelda II knock-off. For that matter, it doesn’t even feel like it has any connection to Adventure Island. None at all, at least from a gameplay point of view. I don’t know why they took the franchise in this direction, but this was essentially the end of the series. Attempts at revivals were made for the GameCube and Wii, but they haven’t done anything with it since. THIS was the end of Adventure Island as a franchise with new releases in regular intervals. That tells you everything you need to know, doesn’t it? If you find yourself stuck on a desert island with only this game, swim for it. Verdict: NO!
I think a bad ass prestige retro collection needs some nifty bonus features, and Adventure Island 1 specifically seems to be a speed runner’s dream, right? Apparently, Nesrocks thought so too. I don’t like doing anything but quality of life ROM hacks in these features, but this is the type of ROM hack where I think there is a chance something along these lines could be included in a set like Adventure Island: 40th Anniversary Collection. So, here’s a bonus review!
Adventure Island Abridged Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System Unauthorized ROM Hack of Adventure Island Released March 14, 2017 Developed by Nesrocks Link to Patch at RomHacking.net Use THIS tool to apply patches.
How’s this for a bonus review?
It’s long overdue that Nesrocks appeared in a Definitive Review. From the man I call “The Iron Chef of Gaming” comes this reimagining of Adventure Island that’s built specifically for the speed running community. Now, this is “Abridged” and not a remake. There’s no new levels in this. The thirty-two levels of the original have been condensed down into the nine that offer (1) maximum difficulty (2) specific types of challenges. The nine levels are shown in the slideshow below, along with what stage they originally were in Adventure Island.
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Remember what I said about how you can play for fifteen to twenty minutes and see everything Adventure Island has to offer? Nesrocks took that to heart. This really is a sizzle reel of not only the level settings but the type of challenges offered by Adventure Island. It’s VERY hard, but in a good way. Well, except in one regard. I’m a big fan of Nesrocks, but the difficulty scaling, which was perfect before, is now all wrong. The hardest level in the game, 8 – 3, is now the sixth of nine stages. Okay, so he couldn’t put it last because it’d be weird to fight the boss and still need to play another stage. Fine. Put it eighth, not sixth. Meanwhile, once you know where the eggplants are in 8 – 1 and that there’s no hidden milks to save your life from the lack of food, it’s not THAT hard. I’d put 8 – 1 fourth or fifth in the ordering. It’s also worth noting that he beefed up the last boss, which now offers a legitimate challenge instead of just being more of the same. Though I’m insanely happy that, in my fastest run, I didn’t die on the 8 – 3 jumping sequence. Other times? Oh, I died. I even ate several game overs on it thanks to the lack of extra lives.
This was my best non-cheating run. I missed seven of the pots, BUT I didn’t die.
You also have to grab the bee and the hidden pots if you want an extra challenge. The game keeps a tally of what you collected. Also nice is the timer stops between each-stage. Now, if the main mode is too hard for you, Abridged is still something you should check out because it has a second mode called “Arranged.” It’s the same nine level game, only much easier. You start every life already possessing the axe and all hidden eggs are revealed. Oh yeah, and you only lose health from touching enemies instead of dying. All enemies, actually, and even the fire and boulders.
Okay, so Nesrocks didn’t exactly get the order of levels right. But, what he’s done here is actually an amazing idea. Adventure Island really is kind of perfect for this type of speed-running challenge already, but who wants to sit and play THIS game over and over? I put a lot of time into the NES game, and even though it was nowhere near as dull as I imagined, I was certainly ready to move on to the next game by the time I was ready to write the review. I was having fun, but not so much that it wasn’t getting exhausting. Shrinking the thirty-two levels into nine was actually brilliant. The order might be wrong, but he NAILED the choice of which nine levels to include. If Konami really does do a 40th Anniversary Collection, they should honestly just kick Nesrocks some money and use his hack as bonus modes. Verdict: YES! – $3 in value added to Adventure Island 40th Anniversary Collection Check out Nesrocks’ Patreon, and if you like his work, kick him some bucks!
FINAL TOTAL
They are cute together!
YES!: 6 NO!: 6 Total Value: $26 Total Value without ROM Hack/Translations: $22 Projected Price: $29.99 to $39.99 Final Value with Emulator/Bonuses: $32 to $36
It’s in the range, folks. If my hypothetical set releases at $39.99, even the most boilerplate special features would earn Adventure Island 40th Anniversary Collection an outright victory. Box art, ads, instruction books, concept art, a jukebox, etc? It probably makes it over the finish line. Of course, the opposite is true. If this comes with a featureless emulator, especially one missing the big three (button remapping, quick save/quick load, and rewind) there’s almost no chance any bonus features could make up for the missing bonus value of the emulator features. Not only that, but I’d probably drop the value of the first Adventure Island down a buck or two. Since I strongly suspect Konami has their eye on a set like this, hopefully whoever they partner with goes all-out on the emulator and special features. But, with half the Adventure Island games holding up pretty well to the ravages of age, a set like this seems to be worth doing. With the right package, at least.
FINAL RANKINGS
I normally don’t make a note like this, but I feel I should say that the drop off in quality between the #6 game and the #7 game is HUGE. Bigger than any gap between the worst good game and best bad game of any collection, real or imagined, I’ve ever reviewed.
Adventure Island 3 (NES)
Adventure Island IV (Famicom)
Adventure Island (NES)
New Adventure Island (TurboGrafx-16)
Adventure Island Abridged (NES ROM Hack)
Adventure Island II (Game Boy) **TERMINATOR LINE**
Welcome to the final part of The Simpsons: The Definitive Review! Make sure to read Part One and Part Two. Sorry this took a year for me to get to, but when you see the lineup, hopefully you’ll understand why I’ve been putting this off. Here’s the lineup. The Simpsons games were so low-quality that I threw in a bonus review for a Japanese-exclusive NES game based on Jack & The Beanstalk.
The Simpsons: Bart & The Beanstalk for Game Boy
Jumpin’ Kid: Jack to Mame no Ki Monogatari for Famicom
Virtual Bart for the SNES
Itchy & Scratchy in Miniature Golf Madness for Game Boy
The Itchy & Scratchy Game for the SNES
Night of the Living Treehouse of Horror for Game Boy Color
This is not going to be pretty, BUT, the #1 ranked Simpsons game from a classic platform is in this feature. Alright, do the Bartman! Lucky for you, you only have to read these. I have to play them. I’m in deep, deep trouble.
The Simpsons: Bart & The Beanstalk Platform: Game Boy Released February, 1994 Designed by Brian Ullrich Developed by Software Creations Published by Acclaim NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED
Sometimes the game is pretty ugly, and other times, my jaw literally dropped from how detailed the backgrounds were. Game Boy games are quite capable of looking fantastic. Too bad the game is horrible.
The thing I had the most fun doing with Bart & The Beanstalk? Using it as a coloring book! Seriously, I enjoyed this a lot more than actually playing the game. I think I did a pretty good job, too! My parents were so impressed that they patted me on the head, then they followed my suggestion that they print it out and stick it to the refrigerator! They then went into another room, locked the door, and started to cry! I heard them say “did you ever imagine this is what she’d be like in her mid-30s?” Do you know what that means? I have exceeded their expectations so much that I made them weep! I love you too, Mom & Dad! You’re the best parents!
The sad thing is, this had potential besides a play activity for my inner 6-year-old. It actually does closely follow the story of Jack & The Beanstalk. The first level is climbing the beanstalk. The second level is entering the castle, then after some adventures inside an oversized cupboard or hopping along floating things in a bowl of soup, the final two stages are escaping the castle and parachuting down the beanstalk. I personally think Jack & The Beanstalk is hella boring, but if you’re a fan, this might be the most accurate video game of it ever made. It’s too bad the gameplay is every bit as dull as the source material. The core gimmick is that you’re not simply trying to get from point A to point B. You have to collect X amount of coins in stages one through five. This is only really a challenge for level one. The first time I played this in 2024, I failed to collect the minimum when I reached the end. I was so happy I put this off for a year.
The character sprites are pretty good for 1991 Game Boy. But, and this is a strange complaint, there’s too much animation. When you use the slingshot, there’s frames for aiming that I’d swear the enemy placement and level design logic (as in when a player should logically be expected to react to the element) don’t factor-in. It’s as if they were added after the game was finished. It’s so weird. I don’t remember ever thinking that about any other game.
The combat just isn’t very good because the slingshot is a very boring weapon to use. Each enemy takes two shots to kill unless you can find a power-up that doubles the power (at least against basic enemies), but that usually doesn’t show up until the end of stages. I still took a ton of damage anyway because enemy sprites are large but the screen is small and there’s a pronounced delay to your attack. Normally, that by itself should be a deal breaker, but it isn’t. You have a life bar so big that they could have shot Titanic on it and had room to spare for the next Bond movie as well. It renders every non-boss encounter pointless busy work. Plus, I kept refilling my life, though I’m not even sure how. One time was from grabbing a harp shaped like Lisa, which the game never mentioned as a goal but it’s part of the lore so I imagine it was necessary. I wasn’t even looking for it. I just stumbled upon it. Same with the goose that lays the golden eggs.
You’ll notice I’m taking damage in the right picture, but actually, I’m taking damage in both! That level was a huge pain in the ass where you start taking damage just by touching scenery that’s in the background. No other stage did that. That rule is sprung on you specifically in this level. Well, that’s because you’re supposed to “stay out of the light.” What f*cking light? It’s a Game Boy game! Some of Bart & The Beanstalk’s graphics are pretty dang good, and it had been full of background graphics by time you reach the “don’t touch those background graphics” rule. Take a look at these screenshots. On the left, I’m safe. On the right, I’m taking damage.
Safe
Damage
Notice how, like, the entire background is lit up like that? Because you take damage everywhere during some stretches of the stage. There’s no way to avoid it. It’s not like there’s a complex series of dodging moves or ways to sneak around. It’s a life-slap! It’s such an obviously bad idea that it should have been killed on the drawing board, and certainly never should have made it past play testing. It’s not exciting, which would be the only reason to add such a danger element that makes no sense at all from an artistic point of view. The level designs are not the worst I’ve played. Not even close. The mechanics in that stage, though? Oof.
For the most part, this is a generic 90s Game Boy platformer. If you can’t get sick of those, you’ll probably like this more than I did. At least they remembered to make everything oversized.
The bosses are even worse. The first one takes an outrageous twenty hits to kill, but that’s reduced to a measly fifteen if you got the slingshot upgrade. Then there’s the second boss. I thought I had the upgrade, but apparently it doesn’t matter if I did or didn’t. I stopped counting hits when the thing was still alive after two dozen shots, PLUS I’d hit it with a stick of dynamite at the start of the battle. Eat my shorts, game.
1st Boss
2nd Boss
If those are only the bosses for the first and second level, you can imagine how spongy the remaining bosses are. Especially the last boss, which is obviously the giant! Why, it must take a hundred shots, right? Well, no, because there are no more bosses, meaning you never fight the giant. Seriously? I mean, yeah, I’m relieved because the two bosses they actually programmed are so spongy that they rank among the most intolerable boss fights I’ve ever experienced in my life. But still, you set it up and everything, game. What the f*ck? Instead, the game climaxes on an auto-scrolling escape out of the castle, then a set-piece that sees you parachute down the beanstalk.
This is also auto-scrolling. The giant catches you if you linger too long on any platform.
It’s not the worst idea for a level, but it makes for a terrible finale. It feels more like a mid-game type of set-piece. Once you reach the bottom and grab the axe, that’s it! The game’s over! It’s weird that they thought to put bosses at the end of the first two levels, then just dropped that. Something is horribly off about this game. I’d be interested to know about its development. It shouldn’t have been “rushed” because it’s not like they had to time the game’s release to coincide with anything. By 1994, it was a safe bet the Simpsons was firmly entrenched in pop culture. Yet, it feels like a rushed, half-hearted game. It’s nowhere near the worst Game Boy release I’ve played, but it feels so soulless and uninspired. The worst thing I can say about it is that Bart & The Beanstalk was so enthusiasm-sucking that I delayed this feature by a year to avoid playing it. Verdict: NO!
Since this feature is flooded with terrible games, how about a bonus review of a Jack & The Beanstalk game that you’ve probably never even heard of. I know I hadn’t. I literally found out about it before hitting publish.
Jumpin’ Kid: Jack to Mame no Ki Monogatari aka Jumpin’ Kid, aka Jack the Giant Slayer Platform: Famicom Released December 19, 1990 Developed by Now Production Published by Asmik Ace Entertainment, Inc Never Released Outside of Japan (legally, at least) NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED
From the same development team that brought you Jackie Chan’s Action Kung-Fu (read the reviews of the NES and TurboGrafx-16 versions in Kung-Fu Master: The Definitive Review) comes a halfway decent take on the Jack & The Beanstalk fable. My use of “halfway decent” was carefully chosen, by the way. The other half is generic, half-hearted crap. Jack the Giant Slayer is nowhere near as well done as the Jackie Chan games were, nearly rising to the level of “okay” before cratering in the home stretch. Initially, I decided to post this here instead of as a separate review because I wanted to show how it shouldn’t be THAT hard to make a bland but acceptable game based on the Beanstalk Multiverse. Well, maybe I should have posted this separately since I ultimately am giving it a NO! as well. This feature is cursed, and it doesn’t even come with a free Frogurt.
There’s too many bonus stages. This one plays like Pooyan. By the way,
This is a boiler-plate hop ‘n gunner with a focus mostly on vertical levels at the start of the game and side-scrolling at the end. I mean, obviously. The main hook is you have to acquire temporary items that allow you to jump higher, which allows for easier navigation. You also collect beans that increase your attack power. The combat is straight out of Mega Man in that you can only shoot straight ahead. Try not to miss, because if you do, you’re screwed. Only one of your bullets can be on-screen at a time, and they travel fairly slowly.
It’s a glitchy game. I went to dodge this boss and scrolled so far over it wasn’t on the screen anymore. When I scrolled back, it was gone but the door was still locked. It seems like it would have been a soft lock if I hadn’t rewound the game. I think what happened is it clipped through the left wall and got trapped in the room next to it. That room is gated off by a locked door that you can only open by killing the boss. At one point, the sprite was starting to go through the wall, and when I scrolled away I’m guessing it continued on. By the way, these bosses were such a boring slog that they were the final nails in the coffin.
There’s two major problems with Jack the Giant Slayer. The first is that you can’t actually kill most non-boss enemies. After the first beanstalk level, the majority of them are just stunned and very, very quickly come back to life. That wouldn’t be an issue if not for the second major problem: the collision detection is awful. You clearly have a very big hit box, and so it’s not enough to just try to avoid enemies. You need a LOT of space between them and you. Take any damage at all and all the jumping and shooting power you’ve accumulated is reset to the beginning. Granted, it doesn’t take much effort to accumulate a max load-out, but that’s not the point. I’ve never seen a game with poor collision ever rise above being barely okay. It kills immersion, dead. It kills the sense of accomplishment. Plus, Jumpin’ Kid is one of those games where the poor collision only seems to work one-way, as well. As far as I could tell, the enemies require direct shots with your projectile.
Most levels end on a boss at the top of the screen, but it’s usually the other enemies that continue to spawn and attack that makes these battles a pain in the ass.
Now, if you could somehow make this sprite-accurate, this would be a decent game. So decent that the studio who did Bart & The Beanstalk would have been better off licensing this for adaptation and re-spriting it into a Simpsons game, then converting THAT to the Game Boy. It’s a lot better than Bart & The Beanstalk. It’s still a bad game. At least there’s a battle with the Giant! Here it is:
Pretty lame, Milhouse.
That’s the world’s tiniest giant right there. I don’t know what else I expected since the whole game has a sense of smallness about it that doesn’t really fit the whole Jack & The Beanstalk theme. But the level design is mostly fine. There’s some good jumping layouts here. Actually, the NO! was secured after those levels ended, especially in the very, very dull castle finale. I really think if they had stuck to the vertical theme and just traded the beanstalk facade for a castle facade, this MIGHT have barely squeaked out a YES! It was heading towards it, even with all the warts! The levels are all pretty small but well-designed, and there’s a wide variety of set-pieces, including the goose that lays the golden eggs (actually it’s supposed to be a hen) and a pirate ship for some reason. Seriously, is that part of the Jack & The Beanstalk lore? How did I miss that part of the story?
What’s NOT here is the Giant’s house, including oversized, well, anything. I guess they had to cut stuff to make room for the pirate ship. I also don’t remember seeing a harp. The fun set-pieces totally end during the final stretch, ending with a trio of really horrible bosses that take forever to kill and then the letdown final battle with the giant. I can forgive the bad boss fights, but not having the oversized belongings of the Giant? Why even do a Jack & The Beanstalk game? Gameplay is king, and poor mechanics apparently override decent level design because I spent most of my gameplay session wanting to be done with it. Okay, so Jumpin’ Kid shouldn’t have been included in this feature because it’s not even an example of a good Jack & The Beanstalk game. It’s better than Bart & The Beanstalk, but not significantly so. It controls better, which is usually the tiebreaker if I can’t decide between two games.
I don’t know if this is a bonus stage or if they got distracted playing Rainbow Islands.
If you could somehow tighten the collision and maybe eliminate the “stun enemies only” aspect, this would be a decent game. I get how this could have been popular at the time, too. Apparently, this was a BIG hit on Famiclones in Central and Eastern Europe. I get that, because it certainly stands out among platforms of 1990 and games based on popular fairy tales were just getting a start. Jack the Giant Slayer just didn’t age well because collision detection has come a long way. It’s got a lot of heart, but heart doesn’t make for a good game in 2025. Apparently, this was earmarked for an American release but it didn’t happen. It’s probably wise, because had this come out in 1990, they would have heard “fee-fi-fo-fum” in an Italian accent. Verdict: NO!
That was really stupid and pointless to include. Now if I were reviewing Family Guy games, a lazy cutaway review would make more sense. Anyway, back to the Simpsons.
Virtual Bart Platform: Super Nintendo Entertainment System Released September 26, 1994 Directed by Hal Rushton Developed by Sculptured Software Published by Acclaim NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED
Here we go again.
Virtual Bart uses the same format as Bart’s Nightmare: a series of disconnected mini-games. Hell, if I didn’t know better, I’d swear these are all segments deleted from other crappy games. This time, they wisely ditched the hub-world. You just select which of the six games you’re stuck with using a roulette. For NO REASON, they also added a whammy, the skull and crossbones, which takes away a life. Well, that’s stupid. Timing the wheel is a cinch, by the way, as whatever you press the button on is eventually where it will stop. Anyway, since the developers recycled the same formula from Bart’s Nightmare, so shall I recycle my format from the Bart’s Nightmare review. These are in the order I drew the games. Plus, since they all seemingly have no names, I’ll have to make them up.
This uses Mode 7. No, I’m not also doing the Genesis version.
MAD BART
aka THE BART WARRIOR
It’s a combative motorcycle game, though the object is simply to make it to the finish line. I never came even a little close to timing-out, but I was probably one hit away from death when I crossed the finish line. You get a pathetic pea-shooter type of weapon that I never successfully killed anyone with. Whenever I tried using the brakes on the assumption the enemies would pull out in front of me so I could shoot them, they just stayed alongside me, which sucks with Kearney because he whips you with a chain. In fact, Kearney was the only baddie I know for sure I defeated (and multiple times at that). Using the shoulder buttons, you can perform a kick move. It takes a few shots, but it works, and you get a speed boost for it. The Bart Warrior is a shameless Road Rash knock-off, but honestly, this was way better than anything in Bart’s Nightmare. So far, so good, I guess.
WATERSLIDE
aka “WILL YOU TAKE US TO MOUNT SPLASHMORE?!” “WILL YOU TAKE US TO MOUNT SPLASHMORE?!” “WILL YOU TAKE US TO MOUNT SPLASHMORE?!” “WILL YOU TAKE US TO MOUNT SPLASHMORE?!” “WILL YOU TAKE US TO MOUNT SPLASHMORE?!” “IF I DO THE REVIEW, WILL YOU QUIT BUGGING ME?” “OF COURSE! SURE! WELL, WILL YOU TAKE US TO MOUNT SPLASHMORE?!” “YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!” “THANKS CATHY!”
Well, this is lame as hell. You go down the world’s most overpopulated water slide, swaying left and right while trying to avoid other sliders, sharks, and other hazards. It takes several minutes to finish this stage, assuming you don’t pick the wrong direction. There’s multiple forks along the way, and if you pick the wrong direction, best case scenario is you run into Homer clogging the slide and get reset to the previous junction. Worst case? You die. I had a cow when this happened only to discover that, the next time you spin this stage, it starts you off at the previous junction you passed. Okay, so the developers weren’t TOTAL tools this time. So, how do you know which direction to take?
Do you see it? Well, I didn’t until Angela’s friend Jason pointed it out to me. The lines on the bald guy’s shirt are pointed one direction or the other. He shows up right before every junction. I’m sorry but that’s too damn subtle, especially considering the speed and the stakes. Hell, they could have done a satire of Dragon’s Lair and had the correct direction flash on the screen and it would have landed much more as both a gameplay mechanic and a joke. This whole sequence was too long and very, very boring.
JURASSIC BART
aka BART-A-SNORE-US REX
Three whips of a tail to defeat Barney right here would have worked as a typical, totally average platforming challenge. How many whips does it actually take to defeat him? Eight. Most of the enemies in this level are like that. The people who made these games presumably aren’t morons. How did they not grasp that this sh*t was boring? I assume this is classic “rental proofing” but if it doesn’t add to the challenge and instead makes the game a slog, isn’t “rental proofing” going to assure kids who rent these games would never want to actually own them? How is it possible they never understood that?
Why stop with Barney? Krusty and Marge here, fought back-to-back, each take eleven hits. Eleven!
If a dinosaur using its tail as a whip isn’t enough to shatter every bone in a human in one shot, that must be one brittle-ass dinosaur. When enemies take that many hits to kill, even if you have a nice WHAP sound effect, it feels weak. Because, you know, it is weak. It’s some of the worst combat I’ve ever experienced, so I hope it makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up when I say that the platforming and level design is even worse. First off, cue Smalls because this level goes on FOR-EV-ER. It’s gaming hell because none of it even rises to the level of mediocre. We’re back in Bart’s Nightmare territory here where this segment has no redeeming value. None. Just an ultra-repetitive series of platforms, cheaply-placed enemies, and GOTCHA traps. Like, there’s a point where you have to climb up a tall series of platforms, only some of them crumble underneath you.
Hmmph.
When the platforms crumble, they’re gone until you scroll off the screen. Well, as you can see, there’s no other path. It usually means starting all the way over. If the climbing was something like the castle level in Wizards & Warriors where the screen is full of platforms and you can find your own jumping rhythm and pathway, that’d be one thing. But this is just creating soft resets of progress. It’s a roadblock, but not one that makes the game flow better. What makes it all especially infuriating is they did clearly measure the jumps, because a lot of them were fine tuned for the shallow jumping height.
This does the whole “split pathway that’s supposed to have depth but it doesn’t work because it’s a 2D game and there’s no shadows, so the platforms look like they’re on the same plane” thing. I hate it when any game from this time frame does this. It NEVER works right.
The enemies are measured too. This is a game where you can jump on most enemies to avoid damage. In fact, that inflicts damage on baddies. But, to counter this, you BARELY can reach the height required to get up and over the enemies. Most of my attempts at both swinging my tail and jumping on enemies ended with me being damaged. The only saving grace for this whole sorry-ass level is that life refills are plentiful.
Always fun to have boss fights where the boss is so high up that you can’t even see them. This won’t be the last time something like this happens in this feature, either!
I didn’t realize until I reached the end of the stage that the point isn’t for players to lose by being damaged to death. They’re either counting on you to die via a bad jump or by timing out. The final stretch of the last part of this miserable slog of a stage is the dreaded slippy-slidey ice trope. This one leans heavily into moving platforms that you have to wait quite a while for, which runs out the clock. Then, as if to truly salt the wounds, the ultimate boss of the level takes place on a moving platform while the clock is ticking away. Moe and Homer throw stones at you while you whip with your tail at the stack of sheets they’re on, trying to completely destroy the stack. Except, the platform moves back and forth between them, and the playfield is so big that you can’t even see both bosses at the same time. You can only get a couple shots at most per pass, but the stacks are pretty big. I timed-out in my first attempt and barely won the second time with seconds to spare.
Here’s my question: who the hell would want this in a Simpsons game? Instead of playing as a normal Simpsons character in a Springfield setting, you play as a ugly-ass dinosaur in a prehistoric setting. For f*ck’s sake, just make a normal, non-spongy, non-cheap platformer starring Bart Simpson! How f*cking hard is that? Capcom, even with a massive time crunch, did an Aladdin game that had only a couple bosses, an entire tension-free, enemy-free auto-scrolling segment and the whole game was f*cking amazing. What the hell is this? Were you guys working on a dinosaur game and decided to just copy and paste the work you had done over to this for a quick buck? If so, good call not stretching this into a full game, because this was the absolute sh*ts. There’s no way Virtual Bart recovers from this.
BABY BART
aka NON-TRADITIONAL PLATFORMING BUFFET
Finally, one of these 16-bit Simpsons games has something that’s ALMOST a good platform segment. Almost, but not quite. This is kind of like a series of extra gameplay mechanics that would enhance any other normal platforming game, only without, you know, the normal platforming mechanics. You can swing off pegs to launch yourself high in the air. You can ride a balloon, where you have to move up and down on the strings to avoid obstacles. You can balance on a tightrope, which is the closest the segment comes to feeling like a run of the mill jumping game. You can use your diaper as a parachute for a second before it fails. Then, out of nowhere, there’s a section where you ride in a baby carriage and have to move up and down a few channels, avoiding hazards.
“Why didn’t they use Maggie?” asked, well, basically everyone in my family. It’s because in 1994, Bart was still the “main character” of the show, before it became the Many Occupations of Captain Wacky (later renamed Homer). But yeah, it should have been Maggie. The dinosaur segment probably should have been Homer. This feels like it wasn’t made by fans of the show.
It’s so radically different from everything else in this segment that I wonder if it was meant to be a seventh game in Virtual Bart, until they figured out they couldn’t stretch it out to five minutes. It’s basically a glorified LCD game. After this, it’s back to the peg-swinging, trampoline-bouncing stuff for a circus-themed finale. In truth, this is probably the strongest overall segment in any 16-bit Simpsons game so far. They really did seem to try and make an exciting, well-constructed mini-quest with unique mechanics. It even had decent combat for the first half of the game, as you can shoot your pacifier eight directions and enemies didn’t take dozens of hits. So, naturally they took the combat away completely at the end and then spammed the course with enemies. Of course they did. Baby Bart wasn’t the worst, but when the segment was over, I was happy to be done with it. That’s usually not a good sign.
PIG BART
aka SPIDER-PIG: INTO THE SPIDER-VERSE
How sad is it that it took this long to get a decent platforming stage? And when I say decent, I mean BARELY so. I’m not even sure it’s really okay in a vacuum or just okay compared to all the crap that came before it. Pig Bart has a spring-like move that you can use after jumping that lets you get to higher platforms, and otherwise, this features the same crappy platforming physics and hop-on-heads combat as the dinosaur stage. But, the level design works. The segment is divided into four stages. The first is far and away the most interesting. You have to locate and rescue trapped pigs in a maze-like series of doors. This section closes in a hunt for three different keys that each match a specific door. It’s not amazing or anything, but it’s a nice, solid platforming maze.
Sadly, the rest of Pig Bart isn’t so interesting. There’s a couple traditional A-to-B sections, with the only twist being a room where you have to push five pigs frozen in blocks of ice to spring, then time when to activate the spring in order to launch them into the air where a hook catches them. While this happens, a clown that can’t be killed walks back and forth and freezes YOU, and it’s so annoying that it almost ruined it. I wasn’t sure if I was missing a step because five blocks is a lot. After this, you do another platforming segment before fighting a terribly sloppy trio of generic businessmen bosses. You actually can’t damage them directly. You have to get them to attack next to a bookshelf, so the books fall off and hit them. Apparently, a lot of people consider this the worst segment. I didn’t think it was THAT bad, especially compared to everything else in Bart’s Nightmare or Virtual Bart. It’s fine. Nothing special.
SCHOOL PICTURE DAY
aka Oh Thank God, It’s The Final Segment
Okay, this really would be like a between-levels bonus stage in any other game. In the first level, characters walk in a straight line back and forth and you throw tomatoes at them. In the second level, they move diagonally and you’re throwing eggs instead. You have to start a meter that quickly travels in a straight line down the center, then press it again to throw the object. While you can aim left and right after you throw, I only successfully hit one single person trying this the entire time. You can still hit every character by just waiting and throwing straight down the middle. You have unlimited ammo (I think) and are just basically working against the clock. Hitting any grown-ups automatically ends the round and, if you didn’t hit every single classmate, you have to start over.
I almost coughed up my heart when Homer climbed in the thing. I thought I was going to have to keep going.
Once you finish all six segments, the game just ends. No finale, just like Bart’s Nightmare. Homer gets into the contraption, it starts to spin, he screams, and then the credits roll so you can tell everyone listed on it to go f*ck themselves. If the 16-bit games were any property but the Simpsons, they would be considered among the worst games of this era. Saying Virtual Bart is better than Bart’s Nightmare is faint praise. Unlike Bart’s Nightmare, there’s no segments like the Godzilla or Indiana Jones stages that cross the line into unplayable. The dinosaur level comes the closest, and it’s simply a sh*tty platform game. There’s a LOT of those on the SNES. Worse ones, actually. So, Virtual Bart is better. Technically, half of the six segments would get a very pained YES! vote out of me and one other (Baby Bart) comes very, very close to it.
What the actual f*ck?
But, the net gains of the three okay segments don’t even come close to outweighing the net-negatives of the tediously long and boring water slide and especially the excruciatingly terrible Dino Bart segment. It’s also worth noting that the level I personally enjoyed the most, Pig Bart, is often cited as one of the worst parts of the game by others. Had it been the full game, I probably would have gone the other way too, but just as I was starting to lose patience it ended. The second best segment is a really shallow Road Rash knock-off, and the third best would be an average-at-best bonus round in any other 16-bit game. So, while Virtual Bart technically went 3 for 6, read everything above. Does Virtual Bart sound more fun than not? If it did, please note that I was THRILLED when I finally finished the review process. That should tell you everything you need to know. I’d rather be stuck watching the Principal and the Pauper on repeat than ever play this or Bart’s Nightmare ever again. Verdict: NO!
The Simpsons: Itchy & Scratchy in Miniature Golf Madness Platform: Game Boy Released November, 1994 Designed by James Halprin Developed by Beam Software Published by Acclaim NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED
Logically, shouldn’t it be Itchy you play as? Scratchy is the one who is constantly mauled, maimed, and mutilated in the cartoon series. This is hella violent, too. Look, I just decapitated Itchy with a frisbee, with visible gore dripping. This came out two months after Nintendo caved in to public pressure and allowed Mortal Kombat II to be published on the SNES uncensored. “Nintendo folded! Quick, add dripping blood!”
Well, this is the best Simpsons video game on a classic gaming platform. I figure that should get the Simpsons Arcade fanboys to back off by noting I said “classic platform” which in theory excludes arcades. Heh heh heh, that ought to hold the little SOBs. So yeah, I had a lot more fun with Itchy & Scratchy’s golf game than I did the coin-op or Bart’s House of Weirdness. This isn’t “miniature golf” either. Ever play Ninja Golf, the famous Atari 7800 game where you hit a golf ball, then fight enemies on the way to your next shot? This is like that, only instead of a very basic, highly-repetitive Kung-Fu Master wannabe mixed with all the fun of stopping a meter in time, this mixes all the fun of stopping a meter in time with a very clever platforming game that heavily factors in the ball itself. It’s so insanely ambitious that it hurts my heart that it’s so far under the radar.
Or perhaps the worst part is being a Game Boy title instead of the SNES or PlayStation. This is such a one-off experience that I wish it had the highest audio-visual presentation possible for the era.
First thing’s first: this is a seriously very, very violent game, and it’s even pretty gory for a Game Boy title. You decapitate Itchy (completely with dead, vacant postmortem eyes), cleave him in half, and shoot him dead. And the ending? Seriously, I’m going to spoil the ending of the game right now in the slideshow below after the gameplay pic of Itchy being cut in half, because it almost doesn’t seem real for a 1994 Game Boy release. Had the ESRB been in effect by this point, this would have almost certainly gotten an M rating.
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Jesus Christ, dude! JESUS CHRIST! Not that I’m objecting or anything. It actually makes me kind of proud that we live in an era with video game violence so awesome that it makes even the most grizzled, dead inside, flint-hearted people physically ill. But, the practical person in me notes that publishers care about ESRB ratings and the graphical content of this alone might actually prevent it from ever getting a re-release. Imagine putting a collection of Simpsons games out that wears the M rating because of a f*cking Game Boy golf/platforming hybrid where a cat performs an unscheduled vivisection on a mouse. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the game doesn’t actually need it. If I must choose either glorious cartoon violence or one-of-a-kind, genuinely fun gameplay, hey, I can get the violence from TV. I think there’s whole shows based around it and everything!
I can’t stress enough that if you think of this as a golf game, you’re going into it with the wrong mindset. Perhaps you should stick to Nintendo’s game? The golfing here is more like a series of timing/platforming tropes, only instead of just doing the jumping alone, you also have to manipulate a ball to the goal along the way. There’s no timer and, as far as I can tell, there’s no actual penalty for going over par. If there is, I never got it, and I did bogey at least one hole. You can even explore the full level to figure out the path you’re going to need to take to get to the hole. It’s not a straight line. In fact, many stages are downright maze-like. Now, if you do explore, you have to manually make your way back, but I still enjoyed doing this. The level design is actually fantastic. They didn’t half-ass this concept at all, nor were they conservative because the concept is experimental. Rare, but bold and very admirable.
Every hole culminates in a typical miniature golf trope. And yes, the ball becomes airborne if you hit it hard enough off the hill.
At the start of every level, you walk up to the ball and press UP to take position. Instead of the standard triple-click mechanics of the 80s and 90s, this is a double clicker because there’s no English to put on the ball. It’s a 2D side-scroller, so you can’t hook or slice it. That’s mostly because you can’t manually make the ball lift off the ground. You need a hill or some object like a magnet for that. After hitting the ball, you chase it down. It’s not hard to locate thanks to the helpful radar that appears when you’re not taking a stroke. Instead of having pars like 3 to 5, the pars are anywhere from 9 to 28. You can also find hidden erasers in the levels that shave a stroke off. That’s how you can tell it’s not real golf, where you normally just wait to finish the hole and then lie about how many strokes you needed. Oh, and Itchy tries to kill you the whole time.
This is bad golf etiquette. You’re supposed to wait until after the person takes their shot to throw a knife at them. Pssh, this must be taking place at a public course.
Itchy is actually the easy part. I figured he would probably screw with the ball, but he never does. Actually, no enemy does. Itchy’s goal is to kill you directly. No matter his attack gimmick in any situation, he’s a one-shot kill every time. In addition to being able to use your club, there’s a wide variety of weapons to dispatch him. Where the golfing gets tricky is that there’s often moving platforms that you not only have to get the ball onto, but you also have to leave enough room to be able to square-up to it so you can take a shot. The good news is that every moving platform, or at least the first ones in a sequence, go lower than the ground, so you don’t have to have EXACT timing. If you position the ball in the center of where the platform will eventually go, the platform doesn’t crush the ball and will scoop it up. They were really wise with the design in general. There’s only nine levels too, and the variety of gimmicks keeps things fresh.
The underwater level is actually a door maze, and was, for my money, the trickiest level in the game. But the wise design continues even in it. You can’t enter any door the ball didn’t already enter. You won’t get lost, BUT, it still works as a great twist on the door maze trope.
I don’t know what critics at the time had against Itchy & Scratchy in Miniature Golf Mayhem. Not only does it offer a truly inspired premise, but it has the gameplay mechanics to live up to that premise. It even goes the extra mile, as stages are full of secrets and hidden passageways that contain items, extra lives, or the valued erasers. The jumping mechanics and the platforms built around them feel natural and intuitive. The golf meter is really well done, as it’s simple to use but hard enough to clock that I still didn’t manage to have it down completely cold in two full game play sessions.
Here’s the worst part of the game: after you finish, when you enter in your name for high scores, if you get nine high scores, you have to manually input your name nine times. It doesn’t automatically go to the same letters you used the first time you put your name in. How the hell did they make such a great game and screw up the “enter your name” bit? I’ve never seen that happen. BTW, apparently I didn’t even come close to the best possible scores. This game is going to have a seat in my regular rotation.
Not only is Itchy & Scratchy’s golf elite in the realm of Simpsons games or licensed games in general, but it’s actually one of the best original Game Boy titles I’ve ever played. Plus, I love violence, and this is overflowing with so much of it that I have a niggling desire to hit my father over the head with a mallet. The best Simpsons game before Hit & Run? I think so, actually. It offers a lot more replay than the coin-op thanks to the golf score mechanics. Whoever owns the rights to this, I have to say either the ROM or a full remake of it could easily anchor a collection of Simpsons games if you can’t get the rights to the arcade game. Verdict: YES!
The Itchy & Scratchy Game: A Genuine Simpsons Product Platform: Super Nintendo Entertainment System, Game Gear Released March, 1995 SNES Version Developed by Bits Studio Game Gear Version Developed by Bits Corporation Limited Published by Acclaim NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED
(SNES) See the pig snout on the right side of the screen? Yeah, I spent a while fighting this thing, and the only way I could figure to actually damage the boss is to stand on the platform I’m on and throw the bricks at it. Oh, you wanted the satisfaction of actually seeing the boss be damaged? Well, too bad. It’s almost like the people who made this didn’t actually play video games and thus didn’t comprehend the basic reasons why people like them.
The Super NES version of Itchy & Scratchy is a good looking, boring video game. The Game Gear version crosses into actual developmental incompetence. Both games have the same basic objective. Although framed like a normal mascot platformer, they’re not. Instead, levels are playfields and the object is to whittle down Scratchy’s life bar. You’re given a mallet as a default weapon, but throughout the playfield are various other instruments of violence that are usually tailored to the level’s theme. On the SNES, Scratchy takes a stick-and-move approach, but at least when you swing at him, contact is made.
SNES
SNES
The same can’t be said about the Game Gear version. Sometimes I went several minutes without seeing Scratchy. There’s a radar that purports to point you in the correct direction, but I’d end up reaching a wall only for the arrow to suddenly point the opposite direction. It probably took me around four or five minutes to beat the first SNES stage. If I beat the first Game Gear stage in under thirty minutes, I’d be stunned. Maybe it just felt longer. The combat is horrifically bad on the Game Gear, with some of the worst collision I’ve experienced. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear Scratchy’s hit box was a single pixel in the center of his chest. That’s especially annoying because YOUR hit box is so big and so sensitive that, during multiple instances, I was damaged by the poofs of enemies that I’d already killed, even if they weren’t even a LITTLE close to me. Look at this sh*t:
Game Gear
Game Gear
I really do hate saying this to game makers because it’s really mean to say and sometimes they have nightmare deadlines, but there really is no excuse for collision THAT bad. So, here it goes: have a little f*cking pride in your work! This is a game aimed at kids, and if you think kids don’t deserve better than this, you should not be working on products made for children. Itchy & Scratchy: The Game on Game Gear is Action 52 levels of broken, and I’m not even really done. Scratchy almost always won the quick draw against me even if he wasn’t facing the right direction and even if the sound effect for what would be a normally on-target whack sounded before Scratchy began his weapon’s attack animation. Look at this screenshot below. Despite the blades of a hedge clipper encompassing his full body, I’m not doing damage. Oh no, I’m taking it.
Game Gear
And here’s how THAT ended, without Scratchy even turning around.
Game Gear
Huh. They charged money for this experience and everything. Even when you do score a hit, it’s not fun. Scratchy feels like he takes hundreds of hits to kill. On the SNES, you can do a powered-up charge attack, a move that’s gone on the Game Gear. I hit Scratchy so many times that I had to rewind to make sure that his health was actually trickling down faster. I’m not even sure if *I* killed him or he died of natural causes. Oh, and they cut out the bosses, which should be a positive since they sucked ass on the SNES. But, it’s still pretty telling that they didn’t even attempt them on the Game Gear. Itchy & Scratchy on Game Gear is so bad it’s the rare game I wrote-up that I didn’t finish. I have my limits and I couldn’t take it. It has to be one of the most half-assed, broken games EVER on a Sega device.
(SNES) Reminder: these two just starred in one of the best licensed Game Boy titles ever made.
At least in the SNES game, when you hit the charge attack or especially attacks with weapons, it quickly drains the cat’s health. The problem is the combat, for a game that’s ENTIRELY combat, is boring. You can’t do any jumping attacks at all. If something is right above you and the weapon you’re using has a swinging animation that looks like it’s going from up to down, EVEN IF the enemy is in the space of the motion blur, the attack will miss. It sure feels like this is one of those games where everyone involved regretted getting the assignment and couldn’t be bothered to do better. Maybe Acclaim should have hired studios that had inspiration instead of just going with whoever made the lowest bids. I mean, come on! It’s not like you’re building a hospital!
For MOST of the bosses, just sit and spam the attack button. You’ll win the life slap fight.
Occasionally you’ll get a wedge of cheese that makes you run as fast as another blue animal, but I found no practical use for this except losing Scratchy’s position. Which you’re not actually trying to do. The only interesting idea is that you have to kill little versions of Scratchy to build up ammo that only can be used on the boss fights. In fact, the bosses are immune to your hammer and MUST be killed by these weapons, which have different sprites but are all just identically-behaving throwing items. Okay, it’s not THAT interesting. You know what’s the saddest thing of all? Itchy & Scratchy: The Game is the best 16-bit Simpsons game. They bite, alright. And bite. And bite and bite and bite. Bite bite bite, bite bite bite, it was the Itchy & Scratchy Game! Verdicts: NO! and NO!
The Simpsons: Night of the Living Treehouse of Horror Platform: Game Boy Color Released March 19, 2001 Directed by Jonathan D’Cruz Developed by Software Creations Published by THQ NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED
Just what everyone wants: a game that leans extra-heavily into exploration that also runs on a timer. Was there some kind of rule that you could only develop a Simpsons game if you repeatedly smashed yourself in the head with a cinder block?
I feel like this is the first time I’ve played a retro Simpsons where it makes me feel EXACTLY how I feel watching the show. That’s because being letdown by Treehouse of Horror is an annual tradition! Actually, this takes a page out of the SNES games by offering a few distinct play-styles in bite-sized vignettes. I was going to do the review the same way, but I changed my mind since three of the seven levels are the same basic concept: a platforming scavenger hunt, and a fourth uses the same engine for a door maze. Also, I legitimately screwed-up this review. I didn’t realize until after I’d turned off the game that I forgot to switch back to my normal emulator. I normally use mGBA, but Treehouse of Horror was so damn sluggish that I swapped emulators and tried other games to make sure everything was running right. You never know if the kids monkeyed around with the settings.
Ah, Super Mario Bros. Deluxe. This is my go-to emulator test for Game Boy/Game Boy Color. This plays so smoothly. Which reminded me how inexcusable the sloppy movement and jumping of Treehouse of Horror is.
But, for whatever reason I forgot to swap back to mGBA and instead played this on an emulator that made a lot of my screenshots look like this:
Whoops. Always check your progress, Cathy. In fact, I got so few usable screenshots I had to use passwords to grab better screenshots today before publishing, but I wasn’t upset. It wasn’t like this was an unbearably dull game or anything. Sigh. Anyway, nobody screwed with my settings. The game just plays really, really poorly. Movement is stiff, slow, and sluggish. Except for Maggie’s stage, which is a-okay.
The second level, where you take control of Maggie Simpson after she’s turned into a fly, is certainly the best executed level in the entire game. You fly around searching for three microchips, then have to activate five light switches to open a portal. This actually wasn’t bad at all. It played so well I have to assume it was made by someone who wasn’t involved in the platforming bits. I wouldn’t want a whole game of this, but this was, dare I say it, pretty good for two or three minutes. Now, I should note that most of the levels just unceremoniously end and return you to the treehouse level select screen. There might be a dancing animation sprite, but the Maggie stage just ends. It’s a really half-assed game.
What frustrates me is EVERY stage runs on a timer. It’s REALLY slow moving, so while I never timed out, I was still pretty annoyed just by its existence. In games where you’re dropped-off in a big maze, I want to be able to explore. I felt like I was being given the bum’s rush instead of being allowed to go at my own pace. Not that it matters. It’s a very short game that, once you know where all the doohickeys are in each stage, you could probably finish in under thirty minutes. But, while I didn’t enjoy this all that much, I concede there are some good ideas. In fact, the level design COULD have won me over, but not with the technical mechanics this poorly coded. Again, the big book for most of the game is you’re placed in a maze and have to search for macguffins. For Bart’s stage and the Robo-Homer stage, you have to retrieve the target items one at a time.
What makes the timer REALLY aggravating is that there’s a lot of situations built to work the timer. Like, in the level based on “If I Only Had a Brain” from Treehouse of Horror II, you can’t actually fight anything. There’s no combat at all (though enemies do die if you touch them), and the starting room that you have to return the target items back to one at a time always has guys on the only ladder out of the room. Eventually, I realized I either had to accept damage and count on finding health refills (which don’t seem to respawn on this level like they do others) or I would time-out.
In the first level, that item is fuses that you have to return to the basement of the house. Returning the fuses turns on lights in the home which allows you to search the three keys which eventually lead you to the attic. Did you follow all that? The combat is just awful, and it took me all of a minute to figure out to just accept damage because the life refilling donuts respawn unlimited times just by scrolling off the screen. There’s a lot of backtracking and red herrings in the platforming segments, but if the game controlled well, they would have been fine! A lot better than the TERRIBLE Marge top-down shooting section where you have to shoot zombies with manure or puddles of water before fighting an ordinary, non-zombie Krusty the Clown. It’s like a really poor version of Zombies Ate My Neighbors. I quickly realized the best option was to just leg it past the basic zombies until I reached one of the four bosses.
Homer’s robot level is the same basic idea as Bart’s, only without the ability to attack. You have to just accept damage. This one introduces the ability to search drums and cabinets. If it’s a searchable thing, an eyeball will appear. If they had implemented combat, this wouldn’t have been such a frustrating stage. The final fetch quest is easily the best. Based on the “Nightmare Cafeteria” segment from the best Treehouse of Horrors episode (the fifth one, duh), you play as Lisa trying to find five keys and then the corresponding jail cells to rescue your classmates. There’s a stealth element to this one. While you can’t defend yourself, you can hide up against walls to allow the adults to pass you. It’s the only platforming stage I liked.
Okay, so sneaking past the baddies wasn’t exactly the hardest thing. You just wait for them to walk past you and, once their sprite has cleared you entirely, you bolt for it. They’ll never see you and you’ll have a clear path to escape. But, once again, the level design is really well done for this, as only the first key unlocks a kid who is right there. The rest requires you to search them out and it’s, gasp, genuinely satisfying! I wouldn’t have minded a whole game like this! It’s certainly better than the mediocre door maze that makes up Homer’s first level, based on “Bart Simpson’s Dracula” which also includes a long, sloppy “escape the rising floor” segment. And then there’s the finale, King Homer. It’s a god awful Rampage wannabe where you can shrug off all the damage as you make your way towards the tall building on the right side of the map, where you’ll fight a boring airplane boss.
After beating King Homer, a UFO sucks all the Simpsons family members out of the treehouse. I figured there was going to be one last level where you fight Kang & Kodos, but I guess the developers were as bored making this as I was bored playing it, because the game just cuts to the title screen. That’s it. The end. Now, I’ve played a lot of bad Simpsons games over the last year. Thirteen, to be exact, but this one kind of frustrates me the most because it certainly had the most potential to be good. Well, I suppose Bart vs. The Space Mutants did too, but that one actually was fixed (see Part One). Everyone loves Simpsons Halloween Specials, so getting fans excited for a game based around them should be easy, right?
Well, they had the right idea. I’m not being sarcastic, either. I don’t know if this was the BEST way they could have done a Simpsons Halloween game, but the fetch quest stages are well mapped. As bad as this plays, and it plays horrifically bad, the levels are so short that they don’t really leave too much time to become exhausting. Only the Marge stage (WTF were they thinking?) and King Homer (ditto) are unmitigated disasters. The other five could have worked, and had they controlled like even an average Mario knock-off, hell, this could have gone down as the second best console/handheld Simpsons game ever. It had no shot at beating Itchy & Scratchy Golf or the Japanese version of Simpsons Arcade, but third place was on the table. Some people train their whole lives just to make the podium. Instead, it’s just another mediocre Simpsons game. I can’t imagine why Hit & Run didn’t sell as much as they were expecting. The franchise had such a great track record! Verdict: NO!
Is the game implying Bart murdered Homer, cut off his head, and then submitted it as a science fair project?
FINAL RANKINGS
Itchy & Scratchy in Miniature Golf Madness (Game Boy)
The Simpsons – Japanese ROM (Arcade)
Bart’s House of Weirdness (MS-DOS)
Bart vs. The Space Mutants Redux (Genesis ROM Hack)
Bartman Meets Radioactive Man (NES/Game Gear)
Swamp Thing (NES)
Bart vs. The World (NES)
**TERMINATOR LINE**
The Simpsons – International ROM (Arcade)
Night of the Living Treehouse of Horror (Game Boy Color)
Bart & The Beanstalk (Game Boy)
Bart Simpson’s Escape From Camp Deadly (Game Boy)
Krusty’s Super Fun House (SNES)
Bart vs. The Space Mutants (NES/SMS/Genesis)
Bart vs. The Juggernauts (Game Boy)
The Simpsons Arcade Game (MS-DOS)
The Itchy & Scratchy Game: A Genuine Simpsons Product (SNES)
Virtual Bart (SNES)
The Simpsons: Bart vs. The World (SMS/Game Gear)
The Simpsons: Bart’s Nightmare (SNES)
The Itchy & Scratchy Game: A Genuine Simpsons Product (Game Gear)
Konami Shoot ‘Em Ups: The Definitive Review is how I want to celebrate my site’s birthday AND my actual 36th birthday, which is on July 11. There’s seventy-six brand new reviews in this feature. Even the games I’ve already previously covered, I replayed and wrote new reviews of them just for this. Completing this feature took nearly three months and required hundreds of hours of gameplay, writing, replays, and editing. This isn’t my job, but it is work. I don’t want to ever try to make money off this stuff, so if you want to show your support, kick some cash to your closest food bank. If you’re an American, you can locate YOUR local food bank by using the resource at Feeding America. Everyone has to eat, right? I’m a big fan of the Epilepsy Foundation and Direct Relief as well. I’m also partnered with the good folks at AbleToPlay, who are creating a database for game accessibility needs. That’s all! I hope everyone enjoys my Definitive Review of Konami’s shoot ’em up library!
During the final Nintendo Direct that was dedicated to the original Switch, there was a surprise announcement from Konami: a new Gradius collection is coming this August. Gradius Origins will feature the first three Gradius games, Salamander 1 & 2, and a brand new game: Salamander 3. Not only that, but it’ll have every version of those games. Eighteen total ROMS, including some rarities. This sounds great, right? I thought so too, until I realized it’s only the coin-ops that are packed in the set. Gradius Origins is missing all the home ports, and plenty of other Konami arcade shmups closely related to Gradius are also not included. This is NOT the definitive Konami arcade collection, and frankly, it’s not even the definitive Gradius collection. Hell, even going by the ORIGINS name, it still leaves a lot to be desired. See, those home ports are often more playable than the coin-op originals due to them, you know, being designed for fun and not to swallow quarters.
(LEFT: Space Invaders by Taito. RIGHT: Space King by Konami) Like so many other companies that are prominent in gaming today, Konami got their start straight-up stealing the work of other people. For the last seven years, I’ve been advocating that gamers drop the word “clone” from their vocabulary, because the term has lost all meaning. If you want to use the word correctly, Konami’s 1979 bootleg Space King is a “clone” in the correct sense of the word, because they did not design it. They just stole it, and did a small ROM hack to it. This is what the industry was built on, by the way. A practice that started long before there were video games. Electro-mechanical games, pinball tables, and even jukeboxes were copied, component-for-component, painted to look similar or even identical, and then gained a market share by undercutting the price point of the brand names. Of course, the ones who had actual talent quickly figured out that was no way to gain a real foothold in the industry, hence why companies like Konami, Nintendo, and others eventually started making their own work.
Until Konami is willing to put out a more all-encompassing set (which is what M2 seemed to want), I’ll have to make one up. In order to future proof Konami Shoot ‘Em Ups: The Definitive Review, I’m going to do it like my McDonald’s Classic Video Games feature. For this feature, I want you to pretend that I’m reviewing a real compilation called Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection that’s being published to modern platforms. If such a set were real, with a lineup of seventy-six games, I think it would retail for $59.99 to $69.99, which means the goal is to create $60 to $70 in value. I’m setting the max value of any game at $15. At the end of this feature, I’ll mess around with various lineups to show how many different ways Konami could create better sets. Do I think this set, or any of the other configurations I’m going to come up with, will actually happen? Of course not. Sadly, the model Digital Eclipse and Atari have proven is highly effective isn’t contagious. Well, here’s the lineup for Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection.
The End (Arcade)
Scramble (Arcade)
Super Cobra (Arcade)
Pooyan (Arcade)
Time Pilot (Arcade)
Gyruss (Arcade)
Mega Zone (Arcade)
Juno First (Arcade)
Time Pilot ’84 (Arcade)
Scooter Shooter (Arcade)
TwinBee (Arcade)
Gradius (Arcade)
Finalizer (Arcade)
Jail Break (Arcade)
TwinBee (Famicom)
Knightmare (MSX)
TwinBee (MSX)
Gradius (NES)
Salamander/Life Force (Arcade)
Gradius (MSX)
Stinger (NES)
Battlantis (Arcade)
Flak Attack (Arcade)
Gradius 2 (MSX)
Life Force (NES)
Falsion (FDS)
A-Jax/Typhoon (Arcade)
Salamander (MSX)
Thunder Cross (Arcade)
Gradius II (Arcade)
Parodius (MSX)
Devastators (Arcade)
Gyruss (NES)
Gradius II (Famicom)
Nemesis 3 (MSX)
TwinBee 3 (Famicom)
Gradius III (Arcade)
Space Manbow (MSX2)
Aliens (Arcade)
Trigon/Lightning Fighters (Arcade)
Nemesis (Game Boy)
Parodius (Arcade)
TwinBee Da! (Game Boy)
Parodius (NES)
Gradius III (SNES)
Thunder Cross II (Arcade)
Bells & Whistles (Arcade)
Parodius Da! (PC Engine)
Parodius (Game Boy)
Gradius: The Interstellar Assault (Game Boy)
Crisis Force (Famicom)
Xexex aka Orius (Arcade)
Gradius (PC Engine)
Salamander (PC Engine)
Detana!! TwinBee (PC Engine)
G.I. Joe (Arcade)
Parodius (SNES)
Axelay (SNES)
Gradius II (PC Engine Super CD-ROM²)
Pop’n TwinBee (SNES)
Gokujou Parodius! (Arcade)
Gokujou Parodius (Super Famicom)
Parodius Da! (PlayStation/Saturn)
Gokujō Parodius (PlayStation/Saturn)
TwinBee Yahho! (Arcade)
Jikkyou Oshaberi Parodius (Super Famicom)
Salamander 2 (Arcade)
Sexy Parodius (Arcade, PSX)
Jikkyou Oshaberi Parodius: Forever with Me (PSX)
Solar Assault (Arcade)
Gradius Gaiden (PSX)
Gradius IV (Arcade)
Gradius Galaxies (GBA)
Parodius (PSP)
TwinBee Da! (PSP)
Gradius 2 (PSP)
GAME REVIEWS
For those not familiar with my way of thinking of how retro games should be reviewed, I take NO historical context into account, at least for the games themselves. I don’t care how important a game was to the industry, because that doesn’t make a game worth playing today. The test of time is the cruelest test of all, but every video game must face it. I might not be here if not for Pong’s success, but I wouldn’t want to play it today. Not when there’s better options. Therefore, when I review retro games, every game gets either a YES! or a NO!
YES! means the game is still fun and has actual gameplay value when played today and is worth seeking out.
NO! means the game didn’t age gracefully and is not worth seeking out, and certainly not worth spending money on.
SPECIAL NO! DISCLAIMER: If you’re a fan of bullet hells, a lot of the NO! verdicts are ones you can disregard (especially for coin-ops!). This feature is not written for fans of bullet hells, who don’t need my advice or anyone else’s on what to play. They know what they’re looking for. For everyone else, I hope you enjoy the games of Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection. The retro set we want but shall never get!
VALUE DISCLAIMER: The value I award any game in any collection, real or imaginary, should NOT be compared to the values I award games in other features. All values are only based on the games in the feature I’m working on. M.C. Kids NES being awarded $10 in comparison to the eight games in McDonalds Video Games: The Definitive Review is not the same as Gradius II NES being awarded $6 in comparison to the seventy-six other games in this feature. I’m not saying Gradius II is worse. I’m saying if there were a set of 76 games, it would be worth less in that collection than M.C. Kids would be in a set of 8 McDonalds games. If there were fifty McDonalds games I was comparing M.C. Kids to and it landed somewhere in the middle, I’d probably be inclined to give it less value. I also made multiple adjustments to values in my final edit of Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection. Around 40% of all YES! games had their value slightly changed from my initial placement. So please don’t compare the values in Konami Shoot ‘Em Up to any other feature where I assign “value” because the value is relative to the games it’s being compared to. Thank you!
IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER
The End Platform: Arcade Released November, 1980 Developed by Konami Reworked by Stern NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED Listing at Konami Wiki
Unfortunately for me, in this feature there’s going to be a lot of games that have regional differences great and small. But, I’ll mostly only talk about that when playing a different ROM changes the outcome of my verdict. Out of seventy-six games, it only happened three times, the first time being right off the bat. The End’s playability changes depending on the ROM you use. It turns out Konami had a thing or two to learn from Stern.
SPLIT DECISION – KONAMI ROM
I swear, I didn’t start this feature with a game called “The End” as a joke. Well, not entirely, at least. Also, my dad, who legitimately spent another couple hours playing Konami’s The End after I got what I needed, wants to note that he really liked it a lot and thinks I was too hard on it. He felt Konami’s version, because it’s so different from all other Galaxian knock-offs, is the superior version. He’s right about it being different, but just patently wrong about it being better.
Following the success of Galaxian, EVERYONE wanted their own version. I think even Texaco looked into it. This is one of the coattail riders Konami came up with, and hoo boy, does it ever suck. An absolutely uninspired twist that seems to want to visually link Space Invaders to Galaxian, as if Konami created the ultimate hybrid. They didn’t. The Galaxian side of the equation sees colorful aliens shooting at you while constantly swooping down to grab the Space Invaders half of the game: the shields. Instead of trying to directly kill you, the aliens hold you at bay with their bullets while trying to use the bricks to spell out END at the top of the screen, which is an automatic game over. Since you can’t shoot through the shields, I found The End to be too cramped and lacking in flexibility. Aliens carrying bricks score more points, but they attack too out of sync, and besides, there’s not enough room to safely get shots off when you consider their own return fire. You basically have to shoot when you can and hope for the best. Even if you could shoot through the shields, this would be a boring, derivative game. That’s probably why Stern completely reworked it for American release. Verdict: NO! but this review is not over.
SPLIT DECISION – STERN ROM
Stern’s version is much, much better, and it even eases you into the game in a way few gallery shooters do. The enemies don’t shoot at all in the opening wave.
All credit to Stern for turning one of the worst Galaxian knock-offs into a damn decent one. In their version, you’re above the bricks, eliminating the biggest annoyance of the Konami version and opening-up the playfield entirely. The enemies can now kill you directly by crashing into you, but that’s fine. That’s sort of the genre, right? It’s not exactly a bold choice. The bold choice was how Konami did it, and it just didn’t work because the game had no tension at all. Putting the player above the shields doesn’t just add tension, but desirable risk/reward factors that further enhance the excitement. You can absolutely let the aliens take the blocks, since they’re worth a lot more points if you shoot them down before they can bank them. There’s also strategy considerations. My best run saw my stockpile of bricks be reduced to two on the right side of the screen. This forced the aliens to go for those bricks, making it much easier for me to predict their behavior.
If you make it to the seventh wave, you actually get to shoot the UFO that spawns the aliens for bonus points. I only made it that far once legitimately. What happens after you beat it is kind of strange and nonsensical. You actually get most of the END blocks cleared, but then, one final attack wave happens. That’s where my best no-cheating run ended. Had I beaten it, even though the END blocks had already been mostly cleared, you start over with a fresh playfield, minus the lives you lost of course. Oh, and the second time around, it spawns twice as many enemies each wave.
Stern also added a large buffer between stages and gave the levels something resembling personality. Okay, so Stern’s The End is still little more than a run-of-the-mill Galaxian knock-off, but it’s fine. You’re almost certainly NEVER going to lose from having END spelled out. While it’s a real risk in the Konami build, that version’s gameplay forces you to watch helplessly while the word forms. In Stern’s build, trust me, you’ll game over long before that happens, especially thanks to the erratic enemy attack patterns. The best version is probably somewhere between the two builds, maybe with the ability to move up and down added. I suppose we’ll never know, but Stern’s build is clearly superior. So, why review The End in a Konami feature if some other company had to make it fun? Because Konami modified The End’s hardware and likely a good portion of the game code to give us Scramble. So, in a sense, The End was the beginning of the shmup genre as it exists today. In a roundabout kind of way. Verdict: YES! – $1 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Scramble Platform: Arcade Released March 17, 1981 Developed by Konami Included in Arcade Classics Anniversary Collection ($19.99) Sold Separately via Arcade Archives ($7.99) Wikis: Konami – Gradius
Golly, I hate getting that last target.
Previously, when I played Scramble back when Anniversary Collection launched in 2019, I didn’t like it at first. Oh, I certainly admired its contributions to gaming history. You know, like inventing a whole genre. Specifically, Scramble is credited as the first shooter with forced scrolling, first scrolling game with distinct levels, and also the first shooter named after a way of cooking eggs, many of which would make for good names for shooting games when you think about it. Poached. Fried. Hard Boiled. Sunny Side Up. Okay, maybe not that last one. Were these inventions inevitable? Of course they were, but Scramble is one of those rare trailblazing games that is still capable of being fun. I just needed it to grow on me. Is it fascinating that such a pioneering game still manages to rise to the level of tolerable? I think so. Is Scramble just tolerable? Again, I think so. What makes it easier is how clearly Scramble serves as the blueprints for Konami’s Gradius formula with two types of guns and targets optimized to accommodate them.
Even after several hours, I never became a good shot with the missiles. I was okay at best.
Scramble’s six unique levels aren’t really levels in the STAGE sense. Instead, they’re zones that seamlessly bleed into each-other. The only real consistent theme is “don’t crash your ship.” Seriously, even after six years of playing this on again/off again (I wanted to review Anniversary Collection but never got around to it), I still lost most of my lives, by a significant margin, to crashing. It’s actually kind of refreshing for this genre, especially since nothing is firing bullets at you. That’s what blows my mind the most about this title. Scramble, legendary founder of the modern shmup genre, has no bullets to dodge. Instead, you have to avoid surface-to-air missiles and, during the third zone, fireballs. All the while, you have to shoot enough fuel tanks to avoid running out of gas. This mechanic didn’t work for me at first, but eventually I realized that, although I never ran my tank empty, it did increase the pressure to actually hit my shots, especially with those damn missiles that I never got the hang of. You have to fire them well before you hit the target, and I never got very accurate at it.
I suppose the fireballs are bullet-like but they’re more of a prototype on the asteroid field trope.
In the first zone, you have to dodge the ground and rockets that launch upward at you. In the second zone, tiny, pesky flying saucers move up and down that should probably be worth more points but that’s neither here nor there. In the third zone, you have to dodge fireballs. The fourth zone is like the first zone, only very claustrophobic. The fifth zone is the one that I’m guessing gives most players the problems. It’s a flight through a series of tight squeezes where the scrolling is every bit as dangerous as the walls. The final zone requires you to only destroy one main target with a single shot. You can even die after shooting it as long as there’s enough of a pause between shooting the target and crashing that the victory message appears. Scramble only has one map that you replay over and over, and it gets old pretty fast. Unlike a lot of golden age games like Defender, I don’t think it holds up to all-day play in large part because of a truly dull scoring system.
The timing is pretty tricky.
The scoresheet awards 10 points per second you stay alive. Survival-based scoring doesn’t work for a shooter. Only for avoider-type games. Otherwise, isn’t survival already incentivized enough? If you’re not alive, you’re not playing or scoring. And that’s hardly the only problem with the rule sheet. The hard-to-shoot UFOs payoff only 100 points, which is potentially 200 points less than the randomly-scoring mystery targets that do not move and do not fire back. The value of the final target doesn’t increase every new wave either. It’s a flat 800 point finale, which isn’t very much even after you factor-in the survival scoring. It’s frustrating because the designers missed a golden opportunity for really dynamic scoring by incentivizing combos. The playfield certainly lends itself to it, and if it would make everything better because it would discourage mashing the attack buttons. Don’t get me wrong: I’m happy that, after six years of trying, I finally completed this review, but with that comes my realization I likely will never play Scramble again. Well, at least the coin-op. Sure, it’s still playable without the need for an asterisk, but it lacks that “one more round” quality that games of this era NEED in the 2020s. Verdict: YES! – $2 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Super Cobra Platform: Arcade Released March, 1981 Developed by Konami Alternative Version by Stern Sold Separately via Arcade Archives ($7.99) Listing at Konami Wiki
“Gentlemen, we’ve done it. With Scramble, we’ve invented the shmup!” “Sir, we forgot to make enemies that shoot at you.” “Well fudge.” Only he didn’t say fudge.
If Super Cobra looks almost identical to Scramble, it’s because IT IS Scramble, only with things shooting back at you. For 99% of the game, the actual gameplay mechanics are identical to Scramble. You have a gun and the ability to drop two missiles at a time that you must fire well ahead of the target. The majority of targets are on the ground in most levels, and not all the structures on the ground, enemy or otherwise, will actually activate and become a threat. Besides the look of what you’re piloting, the two games even look identical. Super Cobra is often called a “spiritual sequel” to Scramble, but the window between the release of Scramble and Super Cobra is so short that it could be measured in days, at least from what I found. According to Wikipedia and GameFAQs, both games came out in March of 1981, though neither my friend Dave nor myself think that can possibly be accurate. It feels like releasing these two games so back-to-back would cause market confusion. Super Cobra is much longer and much, MUCH tougher, to the point that it makes Scramble genuinely, no joke, feel like a tutorial stage for Super Cobra.
This is literally at the start of the Stern version. The helicopter you control is much bulkier than Scramble’s spaceship, and the level design of all versions builds heavily around that with some cruelly tight squeezes.
To start, the bases that you bombed just for points in Scramble are now anti-air guns in Super Cobra. And it’s not as if their bullets are just flying around randomly for you to weave through. They take aim at you, leading to most misses being of the “near” variety. The surface-to-air missiles from Scramble no longer travel straight up and down, either. At least some of them feel like they’re heat-seeking right at you. The enemies alone make this one of the more intense games of this era, but Super Cobra is just getting started. The fuel mechanic of Scramble was copy-and-pasted here, but because there’s so much more going on, hitting them is much harder, especially with the gun. I often relied on that in Scramble, but Super Cobra forces you to rely much heavier on the missiles, and I still never got good at aiming those damn things.
Instead of bombing one final target, in Super Cobra you have to grab a cargo box to score a bonus. It’s a VERY tight squeeze at the end, made tougher by the anti-air guns. I prefer this to Scramble’s finale, though. It just feels more satisfying.
It’s not just the ground forces shooting, either. Flying enemies do as well, while others are content to try and force a collision with you. Even the fireball sequence from Scramble returns here in beefy form, as “super fireballs” for lack of a better term have to be shot down as they attempt to end your run. Finally, the terrain poses a much bigger threat in Super Cobra. The shape of the copter is awkward, and the game takes full advantage of that with some ridiculously tight squeezes. Often, those squeezes are seasoned with enemies as well. Super Cobra is a maddeningly intense, brutal game. But, in a good way. I wasn’t in love with the reliance on narrow passages, but, as a score-chasing game, this works really well. Getting points just for survival in THIS game makes a lot more sense than in Scramble.
This feature was originally going to include even more games, including Atari 2600 ports of Konami arcade games. I did briefly fool around with Parker Bros’ port of Super Cobra for the Atari 2600. Not enough for a full review, but I think it would likely have gotten a NO! Mike Brodie made an admirable effort of converting a fairly complex game to the VCS, but having only one button made it awkward to play. You have to move downward to fire a missile, and there’s a lot fewer targets than in coin-op. Again, a good effort that passes as a port of Super Cobra, but it’s just not fun. I ultimately decided to also cut Konami’s in-house developed Atari 2600 games despite their historical significance as Konami’s first home video games, but they would all get a NO! It took a while for Konami to find their footing and start producing quality home games.
It’s almost unbelievable Scramble even exists when Super Cobra released soon after it and it’s so much more exciting than the original. Given the fact that both these games exist and were released so close together, I can’t help but wonder if there was a civil war within Konami over Scramble’s style of gameplay. As groundbreaking as Scramble is, it’s also not a very exciting game, and maybe that rubbed some people at Konami the wrong way, who took the guts of it and rebuilt it. Regardless, the two games are so similar that it’s kind of absurd they’re not packaged together more often. Konami Anniversary Collection left Super Cobra out of its lineup completely. It doesn’t feel like a different game, a sequel, or a spin-off. This feels like Scramble’s hard mode. In 2025, this would be DLC. Either way, I’m fine with Scramble, but I like Super Cobra a lot more. Verdict: YES! – $4 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Pooyan Platform: Arcade Released September, 1982 Designed by Tokuro Fujiwara Developed by Konami Sold Separately via Arcade Archives ($7.99) Wikis: Konami – Strategy
Pooyan is arguably the first game that went all-in on programming to present opportunities for high-yield combos, understanding that this makes a game especially addictive.
One of the neatest things I’ve noticed in my retro journey is that most companies that are juggernauts today started as trend-followers, until they had some kind of epiphany and began making original ideas or innovations. Hell, even the legendary Nintendo made a series of generic Space Invaders wannabes before Donkey Kong (one of these days I have to get around to doing a Nintendo before DK feature). In truth, Pooyan isn’t a “shoot ’em up” in the same way Gradius, Salamander, or Parodius are and probably doesn’t belong in this feature. But, it’s a turning point game in Konami’s existence. Along with 1981’s Frogger, it kind of feels like the “ta da” moment. Before Pooyan, they’d made plenty of games with shooting mechanics, but as much as I enjoyed Scramble and especially Super Cobra, they certainly lacked personality and charm. Pooyan is all personality and all charm, and it’s also a damn good coin-op.
I hadn’t lost a life up to this point and was pretty proud of myself. I only made it one level after this. When this sucker scales, it SCALES.
It’s such a simple idea, too: shoot the balloons. At the top of the ladder, a piece of meat appears that works like an anvil that you can lob and knock an entire string of wolves for a ton of points. That’s really it. Missing a wolf isn’t an automatic loss of life, either. Instead, what it does is mix a traditional gallery shooter with a cross-the-road element, at least in odd-numbered rounds where the wolves are jumping off the cliff and trying to reach the floor. In those rounds, any wolf you miss climbs the ladders next to your platform, filling them up one at a time. Once it has its place on a ladder, a wolf will randomly poke its head out to chomp the air, and if your pig happens to be occupying the space where that chomp happens, the wolf can’t be held responsible for its actions. It’s a brilliant twist that creates a shockingly busy playfield. The rare fixed channel shooter where you have threats in all directions. But, the game isn’t perfect.
I got down to the last one before I died here. The final wolf on every round is a “boss” that takes more shots AND missing him adds five more wolves to clear the round, the last of which will be another boss. I was about to game over, too.
In the second round and all even numbered stages that follow, the cross the road mechanic is gone, and instead the wolves float from the bottom to the top. While they do this, riderless balloons will run interference. You can survive missing five of the wolves, but if you miss six, you die from them having enough muscle to push a boulder onto you. As you make progress and the balloons take more shots, each shot causes the balloon to ascend slower. I think by time you reach the sixth round, the balloons take too many shots, and that’s before you even consider the extra-extra spongy boss AND all the balloons that will fly up in front of him. The amount of perfection required is absurd. Like this situation:
The circled one is a “boss” which has a flashing balloon.
After I ate the game over, I did rewind to see what I could have done to survive, and it practically requires clairvoyance. Or, just memorizing the patterns of each wave, I suppose, but it’s a LOT to memorize. I originally had a higher value on Pooyan, but then I hit a wall around the sixth round that tested my patience. Since building up to that level is genuinely fun, I can’t give it a NO! But, I think the odd-numbered levels are much, much more interesting than the second levels, which feel like just a run of the mill gallery shooter done from another angle. Consequently, Pooyan does become exhausting to the point that I can’t imagine this ever making its way into my regular rotation of arcade classics I fire up to kill a few minutes while waiting in a line or a car ride or a doctor’s office. It’s so close, but it doesn’t quite cross that threshold. As far as golden age games go, Pooyan is solid, but it’s a B-lister through-and-through. Verdict: YES! – $2 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Time Pilot Platform: Arcade Released November, 1982 Designed by Yoshiki Okamoto Developed by Konami Sold Separately via Arcade Archives ($7.99) Wikis: Konami – Strategy
The first video game from the man who would go on to produce such games as Street Fighter II. I’ve reviewed several games he directed/designed. The coin-op version of Willow got a NO!, while the vastly underrated Nemo got a glowing YES! In Capcom Arcade 2nd Stadium: The Definitive Review, 1943 Kai, Hyper Dyne Side Arms, Magic Sword, Midnight Wanderer (part of Three Wonders), and Son Son got YES! votes while Black Tiger, Gun.Smoke, and Savage Bees got a NO! in votes. So, he’s got a pretty good record at IGC. Most people who reach the level of “legend” got that status for a reason.
Time Pilot is maybe the most basic game in this entire feature. Far more simplistic than even The End. There’s no power-ups. The levels all play out the same, more or less. It’s just a dog fight with a ship in the center of the screen and graphics that create the illusion that the ship is flying through the sky. The object is to shoot down various swarming enemies themed around five different time periods: 1910, 1940, 1970, 1982, and the far distant future of, ahem, 2001. Wait, did Time Pilot do 9-11? Not that the time travel theme matters at all. Enemies only take one shot to shoot down, except the bosses, which spawn after shooting down enough enemies to empty the meter at the bottom. In the last three levels, enemies begin firing missiles that get progressively tougher to avoid. And that’s really the whole game. For what it’s worth, there is a hint of elegance to Time Pilot, as you score bonus points for quickly taking an entire group of ships that are attacking in formation. That’s probably the highlight of the game, actually, and it was always satisfying when I saw the bonus points appear on screen.
I guess the way the pros play this (yes, there’s Time Pilot pros) is to farm the parachutes and deliberately avoid enemies, since there’s no cap on it.
Otherwise, there’s not a ton of depth to this. The time travel stuff is a complete airball because it just never feels like time traveling. It feels like the sprites are changing from one type of flying machine to another. The idea has legs and would certainly be much more viable in a modern 3D game, but a 2D canvas with no reference points or a cityscape cannot possibly make this work. Only the final level tries to look different, but you’re not fighting space shuttles. You’re fighting UFOs, and since it’s outer space and your ship looks the same, hell, it could be any year, right? Thankfully, the controls are solid and collision grace given to players for especially close calls makes Time Pilot fun, at least in bite-sized chunks. I wouldn’t recommend this as an $7.99 Arcade Archives title, and I wouldn’t even recommend it at 50% or 75% off that. Time Pilot feels like an Atari 2600 game with better graphics, and while I had a fun enough time with a game that’s simply about scoring as much as I could, it’s not even close to entering my regular rotation. Time Pilot is a little overrated, (well, depending on your definition of overrated, as I’ve honestly never heard anyone glow all that much about it) but it’s fine. Verdict: YES! – $1 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Gyruss Platform: Arcade Released March, 1983 Designed by Yoshiki Okamoto Developed by Konami NO MODERN RELEASE Wikis: Konami – Strategy
Shooting the orange thing powers-up your gun. I honestly didn’t realize that in my first playthrough.
Gyruss will probably go down in Indie Gamer Chick history as being the NO! game that committed the fewest gameplay errors. I’m not even convinced any aspect that’s actually present in the game is done wrong at all. Gyruss, one of the most legendary games in Konami’s archives, is a gallery shooter done from a different camera angle. It’s sort of like Tempest in that the twist is enemies come out at you in a 360° cylinder, only without the cylinder being defined graphically. Players twist around the cylinder and shoot enemies that progressively increase in numbers. The actual shooting works just fine, with my only real knock is the lack of a nice crunch for made shots. Really, the action is solid.
Besides the one lone power-up, the only extra-mile is the typical gallery shooter bonus stage where enemies fly in formation. This is just a stripped-down Galaga played from a different angle.
So, why the hell did Gyruss bore me to death? Because it totally did. I didn’t even have a little bit of fun. I think that’s because it’s just a boring looking game. All the levels are nothing but stark, black backgrounds with only dots to represent stars, and in them, you shoot at fairly generic enemy designs. Granted, a lot of games from this era look like Gyruss, but they can make up for it with memorable enemy design (Galaga) or novel gameplay mechanics (like Time Pilot’s combos). I think the biggest factor was that there’s no risk/reward elements. While there is a fairly complicated phase/wave system, and clearing out all four waves will cause another wave to randomly attack for extra points, Gyruss is still a raw test of accuracy and movement. There’s nothing really to tempt you beyond that. No point capsules to chase. No combos. Gyruss feels like a gameplay proof of concept for a more ambitious title, and then someone in charge said “great! Ship it as-is!”
Another factor is that a lot of the time you’re firing at teeny tiny dots because the enemies are so far away from you.
Playing Gyruss reminded me of the story of Tempest’s development. Tempest originally started as a first-person Space Invaders knock-off. Atari’s designers had a habit of play-testing each other’s games, and after sampling the prototype, the consensus at Atari among his peers was that Dave Theurer’s first version of Tempest was really boring because it was just Space Invaders from a different angle. Gyruss feels like Galaga from a different angle, only without the memorable sprites, sound effects, or the risk/reward factor of the double ship. I can understand how some people could still hold Gyruss up as one of the best games of the early 80s. It controls great and has perfect collision detection. I don’t remember ever playing a game that is so well developed and all for naught because it’s just not fun. Thankfully, Gyruss’ legacy is saved by the superior NES port, which adds power-ups, bombs, and bosses. It proved my hunch that the coin-op is a glorified proof of concept. Verdict: NO!
Mega Zone Platform: Arcade Released March, 1983 Developed by Konami & Kosuka Distributed by Interlogic NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED* Listing at Wikipedia
*I’m not counting Xbox 360’s Game Room
Look, it’s a face!!
Mega Zone is so under the radar that it doesn’t even have a listing on the Konami Wiki. It’s never been in a collection. It’s not part of the Arcade Archives lineup. It never even got home ports, to consoles or 80s personal computers. The closest it’s come to any modern recognition is being part of the Xbox 360 Game Room service that I think roughly five people used, and I wasn’t among them. In a way, I get it. Mega Zone is a fairly pedestrian vertical-scrolling shooter, only with a tank instead of a spaceship. Some sites compare it to Xevious, but I think it’s more of an attempt to ride the coattails of SNK’s Vanguard, only without changing between vertical to horizontal levels. Which isn’t to say it’s completely straight forward. I didn’t even realize until after I’d completed a full run up to the gigantic face that’s basically a boss that there’s branching paths. If my buddy Dave hadn’t mentioned it offhandedly while ranting about how boring he thought Mega Zone was, I wouldn’t have even known this is a thing you can do. It turns out, the game clues you in where the spots where the forks in the road are. This look like this:
In my first playthrough, turning left at this junction sure looked like certain death, especially since the game actually does occasionally turn to the trope of using barriers to kill you via scrolling.
The other big twist is a Super Mario-like power-up that lets you grow bigger and increases your firepower. There’s these little dots on the ground and getting a dozen turns the next one into the power-up. That’s actually not the twist, though. The twist is activating this costs you a life, Galaga-style. Yes, really. I feel like you can cue the “that’s a bold move, Cotton” meme at this point. But, this does successfully give a legitimate sense of risk-reward. The collision is so accurate that I’d even call it sensitive, because there’s no blinking. You can go from powered-up to dead instantly, which means you’ve actually lost two lives for the price of one.
Now, here’s the good news: Mega Zone features some shockingly elegant attack formations by enemies. There always seems to be enough room to dodge both baddies and their projectiles. The dirtiest pool the game plays is with instakill walls that pop up right in front of you, and even then, there’s enough time to dodge. Mega Zone is a challenging game, but one that’s pretty thoughtful for this era. Okay, not giving any grace period when you take damage as the super tank is a load of crap, especially when you consider that some of the squeezes are going to be really tight. But, the controls are really well done and the collision boxes are accurate, so those tight squeezes are on YOU. As it should be. As for the gun play, rudimentary as it is, this is a totally solid shooter. I completely understand why someone would find Mega Zone dull. Besides the gigantic face, there’s not a lot of memorable aspects. But, I thought Mega Zone was fine. Don’t get me wrong: this isn’t a lost treasure that you’ve been missing out on for forty-two years now. But, Mega Zone doesn’t deserve its banishment to gaming’s cornfield and, if Konami ever does do a larger scale compilation, it would make an excellent +1 bonus game to complement the titles people actually remember and want. Verdict: YES! – $2 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Juno First Platform: Arcade Released July, 1983 Developed by Konami Sold Separately via Arcade Archives ($7.99) Listing at Konami Wiki
I’m surprised they didn’t just call it “Protector” or “Offender” or something equally derivative. Shame we never got the sequel, “Anchorage Afterward.”
Juno First is, without hyperbole, Defender from a third-person perspective. Sometimes descriptions like that are an exaggeration. This one is so close it comes across as desperate. Juno First is also compared to Nintendo’s Radar Scope, the shmup that had to die so Donkey Kong could live, but it only looks like it. Radar Scope is Galaxian from a third person perspective and a hollow “defend the base” facade. Juno allows you to scroll up and down, which leads to the most exciting moments in the game: flying backwards to avoid enemy fire that’s hot on your trail. You also have to rescue humans, just like Defender. This has a scoring boost to it, as every enemy you kill for about six or seven seconds after getting a human increases in value by 200 points.
I feel like these are some weak-ass graphics.
I didn’t really like Juno First at all. It’s a really ugly game with forgettable enemy design. Juno First controls like a game set on a giant air hockey table and just doesn’t do enough of the scoring frenzies to make it engaging. Probably the biggest problem is the game is really frugal about the human drops, even though that’s really the only time the shooting aspect is fun. Imagine Pac-Man if you only got one energizer per maze. Even worse is they disappear too quickly. It just doesn’t feel like a game that’s equal parts challenging and fun. It’s one of the least inspired Konami titles I’ve played. Now, I love Defender. It’s one of my favorite golden age games, but this just isn’t anywhere on that level. Of all the games in this feature, Juno First is the one I spent the least time with. I didn’t like it, and didn’t want to play it. There’s no substitute for personality, and Juno First proves that. Verdict: NO!
Time Pilot ’84 Platform: Arcade Released in 1984 Developed by Konami Sold Separately via Arcade Archives ($7.99) Listing at Konami Wiki
Despite its name and even the fact that it uses an upgraded version of Time Pilot’s engine, Time Pilot ’84 doesn’t feel all that much like Time Pilot. The time travel gimmick is completely removed, as is the variety of enemies. There’s one setting that gets color-swapped, which makes for a very dull visual experience. But, the upgraded gameplay I certainly like better than the original. You’re still trying to kill X amount of enemies to spawn a boss, but this time around, you have homing missiles that only work on silver targets. The missiles don’t hit anything if they don’t lock-on with on-screen indicators, which you have to be very close to the target to activate. Thankfully it only takes a single missile to take down the bosses, but because of the limited range, I found the only strategy that worked was to set a collision course with them and just hope I won the fast draw. Time Pilot ’84 has a higher emphasis on combo-shooting and also hides some high-yielding bonuses. Like if you see a group of eight silver targets, it’s a safe bet that taking out all eight of them will score a ton of points. I have no idea why they invoked Time Pilot when this doesn’t feel like a sequel at all, but baffled as I might be, I did have a bit of fun with this one. Verdict: YES! – $1 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Scooter Shooter Platform: Arcade Released in 1985 Developed by Konami NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED* Listing at Wikipedia
*I’m not counting Xbox 360’s Game Room
As long as enemies only hit the jet ski and not the human part of the sprites, you don’t die. You will slow down a little bit though. It’s almost like the hurdles crossed with a shmup in that sense.
Of all the games in this feature, it’s either The End, Mega Zone or Scooter Shooter that has fallen the deepest into the pit of obscurity. I think the edge for the title of “most forgotten game” has to be Scooter Shooter. It’s not on Arcade Archives (at least as of this writing) and has never been included in a compilation. It has never gotten a home port in any form except, like Mega Zone, it was on the Xbox 360 Game Room service. The End wasn’t, but The End was ported to the Arcadia 2001, whatever the hell that is. Some games are lost to history for a reason. But of the three ultra-obscure coin-ops in this feature, two got a YES! This is the lone game that walks away empty handed. Scooter Shooter is a very bizarre competitive shoot ’em up where two players race across a straight playfield shooting bland, basic shmup targets. When you reach the base, a fifteen second timer starts where you have to wait to enter. When each player has reached their base, you then have a showdown.
This might be the most confusing retro game I’ve reviewed.
You know, I played this several times and I’m still not entirely clear on the rules, nor did I figure out a point to not dumping players straight into the showdown. Because a showdown happens no matter what, and winning the race to the base gives you no advantage in the showdown portion of the game besides the game spitting out a ton of points (I think that’s what the “P” is). Where it gets REALLY lame is you have to wait for the other player to sit through their fifteen second countdown for their base, even if you finished and have been waiting for a while.
The second countdown is so lame. The countdown really only makes sense to give the other player a chance to finish. How stupid.
The levels before the showdowns are straight corridors with often cheap enemies. Cheap in placement, design, or both. This is really rudimentary stuff. But the showdowns actually did provide SOME fun for my family and I. They’re kind of smart in how they’re done. Despite being called “SCOOTER Shooter” the things you’re riding look more like flying jet skis, but shooting the vehicle does nothing. You have to shoot the person sticking out of it. Very smart design, because it prevents the game from degenerating into a mindless button masher won by whoever can press the button the fastest. Too bad they ruined it completely with stupid design.
Ruinous. The only way to fix it is to change it to something else by shooting it, but we tried making house rules and it wasn’t practical.
See that L circled in the picture above? It stands for LIFE and it restores the health of whoever gets to it. What an incredible coincidence that every single game we played of this was won by whoever got the L, or as my father put it “get the L for the W.” I think if we had played 100 matches there still would have never been a single exception to this. Darn shame about that, because janky and weird as Scooter Shooter is, it was heading for one of the most stunning YES! verdicts I’ve given. You would not believe how deflating that item was when my family realized how valuable it was, rendering everything that happens before it spawns entirely pointless. Even the bland shmup stuff before the showdown is elevated by the competitive side. One race was so close that my family was cheering. It was Three Stooges-like, but Three Stooges never had an element that sucked the air out of the room. We tried to implement “do not get the L” house rules but it just wasn’t viable because it drifts around the stage. Damnit, this sucks. This was a development choice so destructive it should be taught at game design schools, but for all the wrong reasons. Verdict: NO!
TwinBee Platform: Arcade Released March 5, 1985 Developed by Konami Included in Arcade Classics Anniversary Collection ($19.99) Sold Separately via Arcade Archives ($7.99) Wikis: Konami – TwinBee – Strategy
I lost count of how many times I said “wait, when did I lose an arm?”
Konami’s take on the Xevious formula that mixes vertical shooting and bombing ground targets was certainly good enough to launch a franchise. Playing this original version, it’s easy to see why Twinbee had such staying power. But, the first Twinbee was never fated to age well. Frankly, I’ve always been really bored by Xevious. While Twinbee is far more advanced, I’ve never liked the original Twinbee, either. Going more in-depth with it didn’t change my mind, though some parts of it I like now more than I ever have before. I have to admit that they clearly fine-tuned the bombing mechanic. It doesn’t require the precision aim Xevious or similar games, as Twinbee has a very ahead-of-its-time auto-targeting mechanic. The bombs scatter out and usually give you a lot of wiggle room, and that’s in addition to fairly generous collision boxes on the ground enemies. I don’t know what it says about me that my favorite part of the game is not having to aim. Probably nothing good.
The closest that Twinbee comes to a Konami-like set piece are these swinging gates.
But, and this will be considered sacrilege, I’ve never liked the iconic bells of the Twinbee franchise. Sorry, I just don’t think they’re fun, and just as often get in the way of my shots. That’s especially true in this first game in the franchise. You can tell in later games they put a lot more thought into matching the bell locations with enemy attack patterns in a way that enhances the risk/reward factors instead of interrupting the player. In this original Twinbee, I think the level design is built too much around having enemies placed where the bells will be when you’re turning them into the items. I don’t hate the bells, but I prefer normal item drops and their lack of several qualifying “buts.”
Unlike enemies, the bells don’t die after being shot once. Now, I get that blocking your shots is part of the design, but I often feel like it’s not so much risk/reward because of the enemy layout. Also I LOST AN ARM AGAIN?! For f*cks sake! I swear to God it catches me by surprise every time.
I don’t hate Twinbee (well, not exactly), but of all the early scrolling shooters by Konami, it’s easily the one that bores me the most. The enemies aren’t very memorable. The settings REALLY aren’t. I split my play session for the coin-op between two days and eventually did get good enough to reach the final boss, and yet, I don’t think I could pick half the bosses out of a lineup. They’re just not eye-catching, and neither are the basic enemies. Not that shmups need all the basic enemies to be that way, but after playing through stuff like Gradius or Salamander, I can eventually recognize enemies and know their attack patterns. Conversely, the more playful enemies of Twinbee come across as kind of samey.
I don’t like how the ambulance, which restores your missing arms, works. It just appears as soon as you lose your second arm, with a max of appearance per life. I’d much prefer some kind of pick-up that allows the restoration. Also this was during the run where I gave up on using the default settings and jacked-up my lives.
There’s just not enough power-ups to keep things interesting, and how the power-ups work isn’t very fun or balanced. If you get the green bell, which is what gives you the shadows that work like options, you cannot ever get the red bell that gives you a shield and vice-versa. In fact, the opposite item won’t spawn at all, so your decision to go for the shield or the shadow has to be made ahead of time, which is ridiculous on its face value. That’s before you even get to the realization that having the green bell is all but essential in the later levels, where you simply cannot make progress at all without the additional firepower. Eventually, I did reach the point where I could almost ace the game (my best run saw me not even lose an arm until the sixth level), but had I died even once, I don’t think I would have recovered. Look, the game even spawns you on top of strings of enemies!
Now granted, you get a small window of invincibility to move out of the way, but you’re also down to your basic gun and the lowest movement speed, while the enemies and their firepower are absolutely SPAMMING the screen. Even with the invincibility, I wasn’t long for this world. It wasn’t rare for me to go from having a no-hit run through three to five levels to dead and eating a game-over in a matter of moments. There’s no continues, either, not that it would help given the circumstances. In addition to all this, Twinbee as a franchise is always a bit of a pain in the ass with bullet visibility, and one where ground enemies you miss can shoot you in the ass even after they’ve been scrolled off the screen.
I went back and played this in early June as I was editing this feature, and it was kind of astonishing how easy it felt once I had the full catalog of games in this feature under my belt. On the EASY setting, I could cruise through most of the game by just aimlessly moving back and forth while spamming the fire button. When I bumped the setting back up to the NORMAL, the game still ate my ass.
Now, I’m sure TwinBee was brilliant when it first launched, but in 2025, it doesn’t hold-up. The closest I came to having fun was trying to chase a high score, but even that lost its luster when I realized how heavily the bells tilt the scoring. Once in a while, it was exciting trying to catch them to keep a combo going, but the consequence of this is that it takes the fun out of shooting the enemies. You know, the reason to play this genre in the first place. Sigh. I promise Twinbee as a franchise is going to score a few YES! verdicts in this feature. It’s in the same boat as the coin-op Gradius, up next: a really good proof of concept, but nothing more than that, at least in 2025. Verdict: NO!
Gradius aka Nemesis Platform: Arcade Released May, 1985 Directed by Hiroyasu Machiguchi Developed by Konami Included in Arcade Classics Anniversary Collection ($19.99) Sold Separately via Arcade Archives ($7.99) To Be Included in Gradius Origins Wikis: Konami – Gradius
I feel like this famous set-piece, which is insanely difficult in the coin-op, will be a good gauge for how accurate the home ports are.
This is the one. Yep. The one that ends with a safe dropped on my head. Because Gradius is one of the most influential and beloved video games ever. But if I’m being honest, I’ve never been the biggest fan of this specific game of Gradius. As in the original game. I know, I know. Look, I’m a HUGE fan of the franchise, but for whatever reason, the first game never “did it” for me. Maybe because they were so focused on the gameplay that the spectacular settings and unforgettable boss fights that make the franchise so delightful weren’t in place yet. Gradius has hints of that with the amazing design on the original Big Core boss fights or the volcano pictured above. But this is also Gradius at its most generic.
“What about the Moai statues? That’s pretty memorable!” It would be, if they didn’t copy it nearly identically in Gradius II and then rerun it again with small twists in damn near every Gradius that followed.
Gradius’ item system is obviously its greatest contribution to the shmup formula, as there’s something satisfying about manually turning on your loadout with a currency system instead of just getting an item with a letter in the middle. It makes the whole Gradius franchise one of the ultimate “create your own strategy” arcade experiences. Future installments would allow for players to opt out of this and have power-ups handled automatically. For me, I think the speed-ups reach a point where I can’t control the ship anymore and prefer only a single activation. Two at most, depending on the game, but in the case of the original arcade Gradius, one is enough (Update: Actually, by time I finished this feature, I usually hung out in the two-to-three speed-up range). At times, the game resembles a Toaplan-like bullet hell, well before that was a thing. There’s moments where you’re reminded that you’re playing a coin-op and Konami really, really wants you off the machine, so the next person can pay for their turn.
Ahem.
And, in the case of the arcade Gradius, I think it over does the brutality. For what it’s worth, the first Gradius will be earning some YES! verdicts in this feature. Just, not for the coin-op. The difficulty, even on the lowest dip switch setting, is overwhelming. It’s not like Gradius is never fun. I wouldn’t be here if that was the case. But, Gradius coin-op is more like a proof of concept. A promise of better times to come. And a lot of the stuff that’s here did age gracefully, especially the icon of the franchise: the Big Core. It’s not the first “boss” in a spaceship game. Xevious had its iconic big ships, but it’s the first to be structured like a modern boss fight. Okay, so it’s disappointing that Gradius only has one model that gets reused five times after its first appearance. Even the coolest boss fight gets exhausting when it happens six times in one game. But, as the original “this is a big deal” space shooting boss fight, dude, the Big Core is just so f*cking cool. How can you not love it?
This might be the weirdest compliment I’ve ever given, but I want a Big Core MK I key chain. It’s key chain cool.
Hell, it’s so iconic that they could probably do a Gradius movie if the Big Core was on the poster. It’s one of the most underrated contributors towards making boss battles a staple of gaming. But, and this might be controversial, I really do think that and the Moai are all Gradius has going for it as far as memorable design goes. I played through the coin-op two or three previous times before working on this feature, and I was startled by how many aspects of the first Gradius I didn’t even remember. The little brains? Nope. The blue wall called The Nucleus? Actually, no I didn’t. I remembered the volcanoes, the Moai, the Big Core MK I, and the gigantic brain at the end. I didn’t even remember set pieces satirized directly in Parodius, a game I had just played. The Electronic Cage for example, which shows up in several games.
It’s a neat design, I guess. Maybe if they hadn’t outclassed themselves in every sequel and spin-off that followed.
The set-pieces just weren’t spectacular yet. They would be, but like I said, it’s best to think of Gradius as a stepping stone in the evolution of gaming. I can and have enjoyed those. I can tolerate Scramble. I enjoyed Super Mario 64. But, Gradius is held back by extreme difficulty and no instant respawns. I think those would be transformative. If this had been like Salamander, the YES! would have been all but assured. But, I couldn’t make progress once I lost my first life and my max-loadout was gone. Going into some of the set pieces without both lasers and missiles is too brutal. I never thought I’d ever reach the point where I could cruise through Castlevania or Contra without a game over. But, if I saw someone do that on the coin-op of Gradius, I would still be very impressed. If I practiced enough, maybe I could do that too, but I wouldn’t want to. It might be sacrilege to say, but Gradius is kind of boring at times. It’s why I think Gradius II is one of the greatest sequels ever. It’s never boring, and one of my favorite video games. I owe the original Gradius my gratitude for that, but I don’t owe it a YES! Verdict: NO! BAM, safe dropped on my head. Don’t worry. My ghost will complete the remaining feature.
Finalizer – Super Transformation Platform: Arcade Released December, 1985 Developed by Konami Sold Separately via Arcade Archives ($7.99) Listing at Konami Wiki
Sigh. This should have been so much better than it is.
Imagine making a game where, instead of piloting just a normal spaceship, the power-ups allowed you to assemble a dual-wielding robot that could have a different kind of gun in each hand. That sounds bad ass. Like an idea you’d have to be an imbecile to screw-up. The team behind Finalizer – Super Transformation took that as a challenge and declared in one voice “AS GOD AS OUR WITNESS, WE ARE THOSE IMBECILES!” There’s no levels in the traditional sense. The only backdrop is a series of islands, and the only boss is one that some compare to the Big Core MK I but I think looks more like the first boss from Sega’s generic Master System pack-in Astro Warrior.
I guess I can see the Big Core resemblance.
As you play the game, items spawn that eventually transform you into a giant robot that can carry a shield or a gun. You can end up with two different types of weapons, such as a traditional spread gun, fireballs, or the ability to shoot fists that return to you like boomerangs. That last one is SO satisfying, by the way. The combat is really good even if the setting is dull and enemy design is forgettable. The problem comes from the fact that the game isn’t optimized for combat. The variety of enemies leaves a lot to be desired, and the ones that are here are as generic in appearance as it gets. But, at least you can shoot most of them. As if they were bound and determined to prevent fun by any means necessary, Finalizer regularly cuts to lengthy sequences where you simply have to avoid indestructible meteors or other debris. Yea, in a game where they gave you a giant robot that can shoot two different kinds of gun, they thought it would be an awesome idea to have you be able to shoot NOTHING!
None of those rocks can be destroyed by doing the fun thing. I tried different weapons and none of them worked. The only way to get them is through a horribly imbalanced mechanic.
Well, actually there is one way to destroy them. Like Twinbee, the item capsules can be changed by shooting them. In addition to the gun, one of them gives you points, one freezes all the action on screen for five seconds, and one is essentially a star from Super Mario that allows you to “crash” into enemies and rack up big points for five seconds. In theory, if you can string these together, you can cheese the game. But a lot of the time, those asteroid sequences don’t have ANY item drops at the start of them, so it’s moot point. Giving players awesome weaponry and then making sequences with nothing to shoot that feel like they last eons is so nakedly trollish that it just kind of makes me sad, because it ruins a perfectly fine game.
How I wish this would crash.
Finalizer really doesn’t want players to be the robot for very long. It plays dirty with projectiles and the meteor showers. It plays dirty with the items, which it’ll spawn in a cluster of enemies or meteors that all but encircle them. After a while, if you survive these sequences, the game will just spawn a pair of homing enemies on both sides of the screen to insure you get damaged down to the starting ship anyway. If the game had just focused on the combat and created even the most basic Twinbee or Gradius-like experience, Finalizer would have cruised to a YES! Instead, this became one of the easiest NO!s I’ve ever assigned. It’s the rare title that manages to be mechanically good, but still manages to feel like the development team resented getting the assignment and actively sabotaged it. It should be a cinch to make a decent game with this combat system. Hell, a GREAT game, because the gunplay is seriously very fun. But Finalizer isn’t a decent game. Not even close. Verdict: NO!
Jail Break Platform: Arcade Released in 1986 Directed by Oolong Sugimo Developed by Konami Sold Separately via Arcade Archives* ($7.99) Listing at the Konami Wiki
*The Arcade Archives version censors the naked women. Yes, there’s naked women.
Honestly, if I had to guess who made Jail Break, I would have probably leaned towards Sega.
Jail Break is one of many games in this feature that are, frankly, are not “shmups.” But, I mean, I’m never going to do “Run ‘n Gun Games: The Definitive Review” so I figure I should just knock all the Konami pew pew games out that I would never do as single game reviews or as part of a different review collection like this. Well, unless Konami put out a better arcade collection, but the Arcade Archives model seems to get in the way of that. Anyway, Jail Break is a 1986 game where you shoot guys escaping from jail and OH MY GOD LOOK AT THE BOOBIES!
Yes, I do have to censor nudity here or the search engine gods will banish me to the cornfield. According to my Mom “maybe you should reconsider using your mascot for censorship. It makes it look like you gave her bigger ones!” And winking ones too, Mom. What, your boobs don’t wink? Mine do. Usually after they tell me to burn things.
And it’s not just a one off thing. When you shoot bad guys out of windows or bathing in the water, sometimes a naked girl, nipples and all, is shown. This isn’t a situation where it’s ambiguous. It’s the female form in all its glory. So, that’s weird and OH MY GOD SHIRTLESS BATMAN!
What the hell is going on? Did I get the wrong ROM? Well, no. This is what the game is actually like. Hell, Batman even appears in the Arcade Archives version. Between the naked women and unauthorized appearance by the Caped Crusader, Jail Break kind of feels like a bootleg, doesn’t it? It’s especially strange, because it’s not like Konami hadn’t already reached the upper-echelon of game developers by 1986. They were established as an elite house of gaming with properties like Frogger, Gradius, and, you know, all the stuff you read above. Yet, this comes across like a game from one of those bootleg 500 in 1 consoles that replaces Mario with Goku or something. But, I think I get it, because if not for those anomalies, Jail Break wouldn’t be that interesting.
This is the gameplay in its entirety.
It’s not that Jail Break has bad action. Waves of enemies run onto the screen and you shoot them, and when bystanders run onto the playfield, don’t shoot them. All enemies take one shot to kill, and when you save an innocent, you get an extra gun. There’s three that you can swap between. The standard gun works fine enough. The rocket launcher pierces through enemies and can take out vans (and the drums that Batman hides in), and the tear gas seems to auto-aim for windows OR miss completely and feels like a prototype for Goldeneye’s Klobb. It’s all fairly generic, including the enemies who don’t feel distinct unless they’re hiding in manholes or driving in vans. There’s just not enough variety in Jail Break, and the stage themes don’t matter because the enemies and gameplay feel exactly the same level-to-level. Only the very end features a change in pace. Jail Break’s finale pits you against a handful of enemies who wheel out the warden, who is strapped to a time bomb.
If the warden let things get so out of hand that hundreds of people in jail (not prison, just jail) escape, arm themselves, and run amok causing mayhem, maybe this is nature taking its course and we should let them finish the job instead of rescuing him to allow this crap to happen all over again.
Really, the only difference between the ending and other boss waves is the timer and the pedestrian who you can’t kill. Previously, shooting innocents came with no penalty besides missing out on a new gun. During the finale, if the bomb explodes either by running out of time or shooting it, no matter how many lives you have left, it’s an automatic game over. Jeez, that’s pretty frickin harsh, especially for the way the enemies come out and move in formation around the chair. Now, I don’t love the automatic game over bit, but the way the finale is structured was the one and only time the game became exciting. They should have done more like that in Jail Break, because the rest of the game stops feeling fresh after just one stage, but there’s four to go that offer nothing new until the very end. Jail Break is proof that solid action gameplay isn’t enough if you don’t stage it in a way that keeps it fresh from start to finish. Come to think of it, I said the same thing about Gyruss. Apparently it took a while for Konami to get it. Verdict: NO!
TwinBee Platform: Famicom Released January 4, 1986 Developed by Konami Included with Switch Online Subscription (Standard) Wikis: Konami – TwinBee – Strategy
For the file size limit of the era, this doesn’t look too bad. Also, hey, first home port in this feature!
Twinbee on the Famicom is getting a NO! just like the coin-op, but for what it’s worth, it’s not the worst port. Give a little, take a little. In the “take a little” side of the column, the aspect I gave the most props to in the coin-op is nowhere near as good on the Famicom. The bombing mechanic is extremely stripped down. Instead of spraying a cluster of bombs and getting a large amount of grace, you drop one bomb at time and it has to be a hit. There’s little to no wiggle room, and thus it’s nowhere near as satisfying. In the “give a little” column, Famicom TwinBee is a lot more balanced overall. The playfield is wider, but there’s fewer enemies, so you never get a screen spammed with bullets. Speaking of which, the bullet visibility is much higher, making the Famicom port a much more effective defensive game. The bosses are significantly toned back too. Despite all that, I was just so bored playing this. The YES! verdicts are coming for Twinbee, but not yet. Verdict: NO!
Knightmare aka Majou Densetsu Platform: MSX Released March 29, 1986 Developed by Konami Never Released in North America NO MODERN RELEASE Listing at Konami Wiki
No matter what anyone thinks, I don’t stomp on beloved classics for sport. It’s not fun for me to write reviews I know will piss people off. Thankfully, most of Konami’s MSX lineup lived up to their legend.
I’m not taking these reviews in sequential order, so actually, I already had played all the Gradius MSX games before booting up Knightmare. I knew of Knightmare’s reputation as one of Konami’s most beloved MSX titles, and the change of themes from spaceships to a knight in shining armor was a welcome one. But, despite how it might look in screenshots, Knightmare is a boilerplate auto-scrolling shmup, and unfortunately, one that doesn’t hold up to the test of time. I don’t even think it came close, as this is fairly slow-paced and, for the most part, pretty bland. And it’s not like it never does anything right. The basic idea is that you auto-scroll upward, shooting waves of enemies, but your bullets also reveal hidden item blocks. Most of them just score points, but you can also activate screen-clearing bombs or freeze the action. The latter isn’t so great, actually, especially in a game that already has a sluggish pace. On the other hand, I liked that some of the bridges across rivers have to be uncovered before you suffer death by scrolling. It’s probably the only time the game gets exciting.
On the other hand, the item system is a total failure. Similar to Twinbee, items constantly spawn that you can change by shooting. Every gun is available from the item drop, and getting the same weapon back-to-back buffs its strength. This was a terrible idea all around, especially since the guns aren’t remotely balanced. In my first playthrough, I assumed the double swords were the most powerful weapon. I was wrong, because the fire arrow not only kills enemies faster but pierces through them as well. It’s the piercing part that’s especially valuable, because the hidden items and bridges take multiple shots to unlock, so enemies not being able to interfere with your shots makes the game a breeze. The difficulty further plummets from the overabundance of power-ups that are in the caption below.
There’s far too many of the power-up drops. Seriously, there’s TONS of them, even late in the game. Like the weapons, these can be changed into four different buffs. One speeds you up, one gives you a shield that can absorb a lot of damage before losing it, and the third turns you transparent, making you both invincible to attacks AND able to shoot your weapon. The fourth is less than worthless, because it takes away your weapon and allows you to destroy enemies by touching them. As far as I could tell, you cannot uncover hidden items or weapons while this is active, which means late in the game when Knightmare leans heavily on hidden bridges, you will die from it. However, there’s no drawback to the transparency. It even vanishes your shield for the duration of the buff, then brings it back as it was after the timer finishes. What were they thinking with stuff? It’s just terrible design.
The only part of the game that I kept dying on was the second boss, where I’m not entirely sure what was killing me. He wasn’t firing projectiles at all, and there was nothing on the screen, but I was just perishing anyway. Since the boss looks like the grim reaper, I assume it’s some kind of death stare thing, but I couldn’t find a single reference to it anywhere online. I admit, I used emulator tomfoolery for this section. It wasn’t playing fair, so why should I? The other seven bosses are fine, I guess. Probably the highlight of the game. They’re basic bosses with little in the way of finesse, and the order of difficulty is all wrong. If you don’t count the boss that was apparently giving me fatal heart attacks via telekinesis, the third boss was far and away the hardest. So hard, in fact, that I was stressing the next couple bosses. For no reason, it turns out, because they were pushovers.
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Knightmare is beloved by a lot of MSX fans, and I can get how memories of it could be sweet. But today? What sealed the NO! for Knightmare wasn’t the lack of balance, but rather just how repetitive it is. When it comes to shmups, mediocre level design or lackluster settings can still be carried over the finish line by enjoyable combat and gameplay mechanics. Likewise, dull combat and subpar gameplay mechanics can be elevated by memorable settings and well-designed levels. Knightmare is lacking all around. All you have left is the facade of playing with a knight instead of a spaceship, a novelty which is fated to grow old fast. I’m sure this was a decent game in 1986, but all the problems with balance and enemy design assured that the past four decades have been less than kind. Verdict: NO!
TwinBee Platform: MSX Released May 25, 1986 Developed by Konami Never Released in North America NO MODERN RELEASE Wikis: Konami – TwinBee – Strategy
Well, (shrug) at least the Gradius games are coming.
Even though I didn’t like the coin-op or NES versions of Twinbee, I go into every review with an open mind. And in the case of Twinbee on the MSX, it has aspects I enjoy. Maybe it was lucky timing on my part, but if I died on the MSX version, I recovered my loadout with minimum fuss. On the other hand, any of the bosses that have shields made out of smaller enemies (such as the first boss) take much longer because the enemies respawn faster than you can shoot. It combines the same issues with the NES version, scaled-back power-ups and only getting to throw one bomb at a time, with the traditional issues almost all MSX games have, IE slice scrolling and sluggish speed. Okay, I probably wasn’t going to have a good time either way, but the MSX version is easily the weakest Twinbee game and a contender for worst game in this feature. Verdict: NO!
Gradius Platform: NES Released April 25, 1986 Directed by Hiroyasu Machiguchi Developed by Konami Included with a Nintendo Switch Online Subscription (Standard) Wikis: Konami – Gradius
A special edition of Gradius, known as the Archimendes Hen edition. It’s the same game, but it replaces the item boxes with ramen noodles. Ain’t that quirky?
Yep, Gradius on the NES is a lot more fun than the coin-op. I’m not just saying that because I just pulled off a no-cheating, one-death run on my second play-through during this session. It really isn’t that hard with autofire, especially since there were multiple moments where I legitimately can’t explain how I survived. Specifically in the one section of the game where the NES’ CPU can’t keep up with the on-screen action. The little brains? I for sure should have died multiple times against them and didn’t. For the life of me (heh, literally) I can’t figure out what happened, but I didn’t have any shields and it sure seemed like I got shot directly. Maybe one of my options took the bullet. Maybe it was related to slowdown, which really only happens during this part. Maybe it had to do with my own shots somehow cancelling out the bullets, which tracks with the fact that I pumped an entire screen’s worth of laser blasts into some (but not all) of the brains and they didn’t die. Either way, I know I didn’t dodge every bullet, so a single-death run wasn’t as impressive as I figured it would have been before starting this project.
I didn’t want to rewind since I was having a great run, but I sort of wish I had laid down a save state so I could go back and inspect this segment. Was I shot? I think so, but the game didn’t say so. I tried to replicate it later and nothing like what I thought I was seeing happened. Maybe it wasn’t as close. Maybe I was just “in the zone.”
Gradius had to make three major sacrifices in making the journey to the NES. The first is that a player can only carry two options instead of four. It’s just as well, because the second sacrifice is a smaller enemy count and dramatically toned-down set pieces. This has its positives and negatives. On the plus side, I don’t believe the challenge is ever unfair. Never. But, it completely undermines the excitement of major set-pieces. The iconic volcanoes aren’t so iconic here, having been reduced from holding on for dear life in the coin-op to parking in a safe spot and taking a nap on the NES. The third sacrifice is that vertical scrolling is removed from levels that feature it. I’m fine with this because it allows for a more fine-tuned, streamlined experience.
Were this a real thing, with gravity as seen in the game, imagine actually camping under this. It’d be pretty exciting, right? Am I the only one to imagine that? By the way, there’s warp zones in Gradius NES. I never successfully activated one, but I did get some of the hidden points and 1ups.
Gradius NES is probably the game that really blew up the Gradius format. I can’t prove it, except to say that Gradius sold a million copies on the Famicom alone, and while it wasn’t quite as successful as Twinbee, it assured that Konami would be sticking around. Without the burden of relying on cheap shots to keep the coins flowing, Gradius is transformed into a solid shooter. One that still has the same problems with set-pieces and memorable bosses. The Big Core MK I is awesome, but variety is the spice of life, and hell, the home port is even missing a couple segments. There’s no Electric Cage on the NES and you don’t even take out the final brain yourself. The game just sort of congratulates you after you reach it. It’s so awkward. If the coin-op Gradius is the proof of concept, the NES/Famicom Gradius is really just another evolution of it. “Yep, it works as a home game. We’re onto something!” And hey, Gradius NES was good enough to end the losing streak in this feature. Verdict: YES! – $3 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Collection
Salamander Remastered as Life Force Platform: Arcade Released July 4, 1986 Developed by Konami Included in Arcade Classics Anniversary Collection ($19.99) Sold Separately via Arcade Archives ($7.99) To Be Included in Gradius Origins Wikis: Konami – Gradius (Salamander) – Gradius (Life Force) – Strategy
I really wish they’d stop doing this type of thing in these games. It’s never exciting.
Regardless of which version you play, I’m not in love with Salamander. The basic idea is “Gradius, only instead of taking place in outer space, the game takes place inside a gigantic creature.” An idea so good that Natsume stole it for Abadox. Actually, they improved it. I found Salamander to be overall a little more bland in terms of setting and theme than I was expecting, but the gameplay is clearly Gradius, especially if you play the revamped version. I ended up playing almost six full play sessions before figuring out my final verdict on both versions. Apparently Konami had second thoughts on their original build, which was released in the US as “Life Force.” So they remastered it, with the updated ROM reaching Japanese arcades in 1987 under the name “Life Force.” My apologies for how confusing this whole thing is. So, to be clear, if you play Salamander or the version of Life Force which has the following title screens:
That’s the original version, which is the most playable version if you just want to see the ending. If you tinker with the dip switch settings and then flood the game with credits, you can start rounds of Salamander with as many as 63 lives. You’re going to need them. After a few practice games where I cheated my bony little ass off and memorized the level layouts and boss patterns, I decided to see if I could finish the game with those 63 lives. Mind you, it took me a TON of rewinding to figure out how to survive the first boss simply coming to life, before the battle even really started. Well, I did figure it out and started the actual no-cheating game session pretty well. Idiot that I am, I thought “hot damn, I’m awesome at this!” when, on my third play session with this ROM, I made it to the second boss without dying. Then I started dropping like flies, including fourteen lives alone to the fourth boss. FOURTEEN! Mind you, this was on the easiest dip switch setting!
Those aren’t bullets. They’re balls that ricochet unpredictably. They’re not all bouncing at the same angle, and that means there is basically no safe spot on the board. I’ve seriously never seen the likes of this. This isn’t a “challenge” at this point. A challenge suggests a survivable situation. This is being shook by the ankles to empty your pockets.
And there’s a few other shady sections of the game where I’m convinced that they’re unsurvivable. It’s pretty obvious that, at first, Konami didn’t plan to make Salamander fully part of the Gradius franchise but rather a “faster paced” spin-off. There’s no item bar in this original build. Instead, enemies drop the pick-ups, and they’re not always useful. Missiles and options get dropped the most, and by the way, when you die, your options linger on the screen for a while and you’ll have a small window to pick them up. For this reason, you never want to linger at the edge of the screen if you can avoid it, since you won’t have a chance to regain the options.
You’ll probably have all four options within one minute into the first stage. I wasn’t kidding when I said the game is generous with them.
But even if you do lose them, it won’t take long to get them back. Options are a much more common item drop than the two gun upgrades. The valuable laser or even the slightly less valuable ripple (making its debut) are too rare in my opinion. The laser, especially, is very valuable to have. If I could hold onto it, I could usually make it pretty far. When I lost it, that’s when my life counter started to look more like a stopwatch. BUT, I did finish the game in 34 total lives. So, if you simply want to see all Salamander has to offer without the use of rewind or save states, this is the version to play. On the other hand, if the title screen looks like this:
Then you’re playing the revamped version of the original coin-op that I’ll refer to as “Japanese Life Force.” The big difference is the item bar from Gradius is back, along with the power capsules, so you can choose your loadout at your own leisure. Well, provided you get enough item drops. Oh, and you can have a max of seven lives and NO continues unless you’re playing co-op. Despite that, in some ways, Japanese Life Force is the easier game. The first boss, for example, launches easier and is much easier to defeat. The original is on the left and the revamped version is on the right.
Salamander
Japanese Life Force
This is even more noticeable with the second boss. Again, original to the left, Japanese Life Force on the right.
Salamander/Life Force (1986)
Japanese Life Force (1987)
And the boss above that took me fourteen lives I instead beat without dying in my best non-cheating play session. Even considering those changes, in the sessions where I didn’t use rewind or save states, I only made it to the final level of Japanese Life Force once, and I can’t imagine I would ever be able to finish it. It becomes maddening at times, like this sequence here:
These two styles of enemy attack formations happen back-to-back, a sequence that lasts for over over a minute, and you’re very likely to drop multiple lives during it, as there’s really no place to hide for more than a second or two. While the second part of it seems easier with co-op, the first part sure isn’t. It’s like Konami said “arcade operators are going to be so pissed at us if anyone makes it this far. GET THEM OFF THE MACHINE, by any means necessary!” Needless to say, any hope I had of finishing Japanese Life Force without cheating ended in the above segment. One final “GET OFF MY MACHINE” moment happens in the final level with this:
And mind you, those panels in the background also kill you.
But even if I had gotten to the final boss, I wouldn’t have had enough lives to make it past the escape sequence, which looks like this:
This is high speed, and those barriers weren’t there a split-second earlier.
Hell, if the bosses didn’t self-destruct after X amount of time, I wouldn’t have made it as far as I did. For all of Salamander’s problems, I was able to kill every single boss. I think, at least. Come to think of it, I probably only got past that boss that I lost fourteen lives on when it self-destructed. But, if they did die via self-destruction, it happened while I was actively shooting them. That wasn’t the case with Japanese Life Force. This right here wasn’t my proudest moment, but what’s especially annoying was I had pumped as many shots as humanly possibly into this thing with all four options AND I had the laser. It’s not like I spent the entire fight rope-a-doping it. I beat the first boss about a second after it opened its eye. This boss, I wondered if my gun wasn’t getting through. Apparently it wasn’t, because this happened:
Not exactly the most satisfying way to beat a level. And that’s ultimately how I reached a unanimous verdict on both Salamander AND Japanese Life Force. For all of Gradius’ problems, it feels like it came from a place of inspiration. Salamander largely feels like a game that exists because they NEEDED a sequel to Gradius but didn’t know exactly how to go about it. Most of the settings aren’t that exotic or enticing, regardless of which version you play. It never feels like you’re inside a giant alien, except maybe the opening stage. Speaking of which, why would the first boss be a brain and the last boss be a giant eyeball? What is the point of an eyeball without a brain? Either way, the level design never rises above “average” and the vertical levels are pretty boring in general, regardless of whether you’re playing co-op or not, which is what I assume is the reason for the relatively conservative layouts. I get how Gradius can still be popular in 2025, but Salamander/Life Force never rose above being the “other” game in the franchise for a reason. Verdict: NO!
Gradius aka Nemesis Platform: MSX Released July 25, 1986 Developed by Konami Never Released in North America NO MODERN RELEASE Wikis: Konami – Gradius
Oh hey! HEY! What’s this?
Believe it or not, this is the only release in four different Gradius/Salamander games that’s a port of the coin-ops. Salamander, Gradius 2, and Nemesis III on the MSX are all original games, and trust me, you’ll want to read about them. As for this first MSX title, like most games on the platform, Gradius scrolls by loading in slices. It’s pretty annoying and takes getting used to, but once you do, it becomes obvious really quickly why the Nemesis series on MSX is so legendary. Given the limitations, this is an excellent port that cuts fewer key elements out of the coin-op than the NES version did. You’re limited to two options and the Electric Cage is absent, but otherwise, it has everything the coin-op has. You even get to, gasp, kill the brain at the end. But, where it really gets bonkers is that MSX version has the most additions of any home port of Gradius, including a very memorable new stage that’s pictured above. It’s not entirely a smoke-and-mirrors rehash of the Moai stage, either. It feels new. There’s also hidden rooms, for example, if you bring your ship right here:
Then you enter a bonus room that’s similar in structure to levels you’ll encounter in Gradius III.
You cannot get through these without the double, so if you go into this stage with a laser, you need to give it up.
In addition to all that, the lasers and missiles come with second upgrades. Even after experimenting, I didn’t feel a difference in the laser’s second upgrade, but I think it’s supposed to fire faster. The missiles, on the other hand, do become noticeably more efficient. So, there’s a little more to Gradius MSX than you would expect, and it’s actually a genuinely good game. Probably equally as hard as the NES version, or maybe even a touch easier. While it spams the screen with more bullets at times, I was able to take down enemies like the smaller brains and the Moai statues much more quickly than I did in almost any other Gradius. It was the MSX version that made me realize what a grave mistake Gradius Origins is making in not including the home ports. The coin-op’s NO!, which likely will carry over to all the additional ROMs included in that set, means it earns $0 in value. Had they included the home ports, not only would it have put Gradius in the plus column, but they could have included some incredible special features comparing the versions. Alas. Verdict: YES! – $3 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Moero TwinBee: Cinnamon Hakase o Sukue! aka Stinger Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System Released November 21, 1986 Directed by Kazuhiro Aoyama Developed by Konami NO MODERN RELEASE Wikis: Konami – TwinBee – Strategy
I’m actually surprised they themed the underwater enemies correctly. You’ll see why.
The game known as Stinger in America was the US debut of the TwinBee series. What a waste of time it was. If I didn’t know the story on it, I’d swear it was a rip-off of TwinBee. It feels nothing like a Konami game, and it certainly doesn’t look like one. It looks like one of those games by a second-tier AAA developer. I get that they were trying for a much more cartoonish look than they normally do, but there’s a major drawback: keeping track of enemies and bullets. Especially if you’re able to spam the screen with the Gradius-like laser gun. In the original TwinBee, I found myself saying “wait, when did I lose my arms?” a lot but it was nothing compared to how often I said it playing this game. Especially in later stages, it’s just too hard to see everything.
It kind of reminds me of the style of graphics seen in Mappy-Land, only that was a good game. By the way, the Japanese FDS build of this has a THREE PLAYER co-op. Huh. That’s a first. Sadly, I only got to play two player co-op briefly. I can’t force my family to play games with me. I mean, the judge was very specific about that. So while I can’t say I did play the three player mode, it wouldn’t have made a difference. It probably does explain the simplicity of this whole thing.
I take back every mean thing I said about the lack of memorable enemies in the original TwinBee. Hoo boy. Like, you’re flying through the Egyptian-themed stage. What do you expect the enemies to be? Sentient pyramids? Sphinxes? Mummies? Nah, clothespins, coat hangers, and clown shoes. What the actual f*ck, development team? Oh, and the boss of the Egypt stage? A goddamned giant saxophone. ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME? Ancient Egypt, one of the most common tropes in video games and certainly one of the easiest to build a roster of enemies around, and the boss is a goddamn Saxophone that you fight AFTER you spent the level shooting down clown shoes and coat hangers? By the way, “Clown Shoes and Coat Hangers” would be a great name for a death metal band. Anyway, later stages do have better enemy design, but by that point, the mood had sort of been ruined.
Maybe they’re bolt cutters?
As you might have noticed, Stinger has side-scrolling levels in addition to traditional TwinBee vertical ones. In the side-scrolling levels, there’s no bomb button. Bombs are dropped on the ground automatically when you shoot your weapon. The other button is used to fire hearts that don’t hurt enemies at all and are only useful for juggling the bells, presumably through the power of love. It’s a curious thing, because your normal shots also keep the bells afloat and are more useful in general than the hearts are. However, when you switch to vertical levels, the heart button becomes the bomb button and the traditional targeting system returns. It’s a confusing decision for a confused game.
Speaking of confusing, you know how skulls are the universal no-no of gaming? Well, sometimes when you bomb a ground target, it leaves a question mark. Sometimes, touching the question mark leaves a skull. It freaked me out, but it turns out, a skull just means “nothing.” You didn’t get an item or points or anything. Seriously, a skull? In my first play session, I was trying to avoid them. I thought I’d, like, die or something.
Even stranger is that the game doesn’t alternate the two play styles, and the ordering is all wrong. Stages 1, 3, 7 are side-scrolling while 2, 4, 5, and 6 are normal vertical TwinBee stages. The vertical levels are easily the highlights of the game. TwinBee is meant to be a top-down game, and the gameplay of it, simply put, does not translate to a side view. Even with the bells, they don’t feel like TwinBee stages. Hell, they didn’t even draw the arms on the ship, which is just as well because you can’t lose arms in those stages. Wow. The side-scrolling stages are total disasters that have NO VALUE. They never have clever enemies or attack formations. They’re some of the most boring stages in this entire feature. I get that side-scrolling was the biggest thing in gaming at the time, but not every game should have it. And then there’s the bosses. There’s extreme strobing right before the fight starts, so I figure I should mention you should support my friends at AbleToPlay.
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I had to deliberately not shoot for a while to get quality photos of them. That’s because I was able to kill the majority of the bosses before they even fully spawned. No trick to it. No secret. I started unloading my firepower on them as soon as they started to blink into existence and that usually resulted in them blowing up before I even saw what color they were. BUT, if you allow it to spawn, they take more hits. It’s so damn weird. It feels like it was meant to be a secret method of beating them, but I didn’t do anything fancy at all. I was just already firing when they started to appear. Who wouldn’t? Why would anyone design bosses that have this built into them? I swear, there’s positive reviews coming for this franchise, but the second TwinBee game is an absolute bore. Verdict: NO!
Battlantis Platform: Arcade Released July, 1987 Developed by Konami NO MODERN RELEASE Listing at Konami Wiki
“People liked Space Invaders a decade ago, and times never change! What if we took Galaga or Space Invaders and replaced the aliens with barbarians and vikings?” And that’s really what Battlantis is. It’s also a game clearly optimized for co-op. If playing by yourself, unless you shoot absolutely perfectly, you’re going to find yourself in plenty of unsurvivable situations. Battlantis is a gallery shooter where the basic concept is you’re using what looks like a minigun (I think it’s supposed to be a crossbow but it looks like a minigun) to fend off an invading hoard. If enemies reach the castle walls, they’ll begin to pull themselves up. If they get onto the castle, you have to make believe your character is incapable of turning his body 90° or even just holding his arm out, because there’s no way to kill the enemies once they’re on the same plane as you. Well, unless you have an item that shoots to the sides, which I got once in my entire solo session. Too many basic enemies take multiple shots to kill, and this is before you factor in the three shields that start every level that block YOUR shots.
The three “shields” are presumably a practical joke. You can’t shoot through them and enemies are usually (not sometimes, USUALLY) placed directly behind them to impede your ability to make progress. What a stupid game.
Naturally some enemy projectiles fly up and over the shields, because “lulz.” Unless you’re playing co-op, there’s little in the way of relief. Battlantis is stingy with power-ups to begin with, all of which run on a relatively short timer, and often the ones it does give you are only useful for taking out three or four normal baddies at most. One of the game’s main tricks is to have enemies arrive on opposite ends of the playfield, assuring one of them will kill you. The point of video games is beating overwhelming odds, but sometimes the odds cross the line from “heroic” to “actual madness.” Battlantis isn’t a total wash, as the game is MUCH more manageable with two players, which also negates the insufferable tempo of the single player experience. It also features boss fights that are enjoyable enough. Actually, the bosses are a lot more balanced than the levels that lead up to them, because the actual combat is a sluggish bore that is never, ever fun. Any lord that would leave one guy with a crossbow to single-handedly defend against these numbers is a lord that deserves to lose his f’n castle. Verdict: NO!
Flak Attack aka MX 5000 Platform: Arcade Released August, 1987 Developed by Konami Sold Separately via Arcade Archives ($7.99) Listing on Konami Wiki
It just doesn’t look exciting, does it?
Clearly trying to rub some of that glow off of Top Gun, Konami created this shooter that has the worst name AND worst alternative name. Then again, they’re generic names for a generic game. Now, don’t mistake that for a BAD game. Flak Attack is fine, or at least four out of five levels are. Oh, and like Ghosts ‘n Goblins, you have to beat the game twice to get the ending. I hate that sh*t, but it is what it is. Despite the fighter pilot motif, it’s probably best to think of Flak Attack as TwinBee if it had a personality lobotomy. You have two forms of attacking: straight ahead and bombing the ground. Unlike TwinBee, you earn power-ups by killing enemies. Quite a few enemies, actually. Both the gun and the bombs have separate meters that slowly fill up as you take out targets. It’s actually an effective incentive to not miss any baddies, but I think it takes too long for the meters to fill up, especially for the bombs. I didn’t get my first upgrade for them until the second level. Mind you, the meters are emptied between levels, too.
These lightning bolts are complete and total bullsh*t, happening during lulls in the combat and increasing in frequency during the final three levels of the second loop. There’s no warning for them. There’s no methodology to anticipate or dodge them. Even calling this a “GOTCHA!” feels wrong. While I’m sure if you play this enough you can memorize the safe zones, I don’t really care. Who would play THIS GAME that much? So, this is straight-up cheating and the one thing I cannot forgive Flak Attack for. So, if there’s no ability to rewind in the emulator Flak Attack is with, the verdict changes to NO! just for lightning bolts.
The big twist with the traditional scrolling formula is that, when you reach the boss, the scrolling stops, the ship’s sprite shrinks and you enter a Star Fox-like all-range mode. The bosses all require you to bomb them instead of shooting them. Take my word for it: you’ll want to avoid the speed-up icons, which are the only items dropped that aren’t tied to the meter. I never felt like I was moving too loosely in the main game, but when I entered the all-range mode, yeah, I felt the speed ups. Your bombs have a relatively short range and so you have to be a little too close for comfort to attack the bosses. But, they are pretty dang fun battles.
“ALL RANGE MODE!!”
The BS lightning bolts aside, Flak Attack is a perfectly decent vanilla game. At least until you get to the fifth level, where bullet visibility becomes a MAJOR issue. I blew up several times without realizing what was getting me because they decided the background should be a series of silver pipes. I’m fine with visually busy backgrounds as long as the bullets stand out. When they don’t, I have a problem with it.
Between the lightning bolts, other random explosions (that’s what the pink circle is in the above picture), the low visibility, and the slowness of upgrading your weapons, you’d swear this was a game that was sabotaged by the development team. It’s kind of a miracle that Flak Attack rises to the level of decent, but it does so despite itself. Even though it has the personality of a cotton ball, Flak Attack isn’t a bad little game at all. The enemies explode with a nice pop that makes the combat satisfying enough to never bore. Okay, so the game needed a bigger variety of enemies, and it probably needed more upgrades than it gives you or maybe a lower penalty for dying. It’s not worth the $7.99 Arcade Archives price. In fact, I wouldn’t say this is a game anyone should seek out just to own it. But, if something like my fictional Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection existed, Flak Attack is the ideal game to pad the game count by one. Players DO NOT need games like Flak Attack, but prestige retro collections do. Verdict: YES! – $2 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Collection
Gradius 2 aka Nemesis II Platform: MSX Released August 22, 1987 Developed by Konami Never Released in North America NO MODERN RELEASE Wikis: Konami – Gradius
Oh baby! I knew this feature would be worth doing!
Don’t let the name fool you. Besides being a part of the Gradius series, this is NOT the Gradius II most people are familiar with. In fact, not only does Gradius 2 (note the use of a number instead of Roman Numerals) predate the coin-op game that would go on to be known as Vulcan Venture, but the more commonly known Gradius II isn’t based on this, either. Gradius 2 on the MSX is an entirely original member of the Gradius franchise, and it’s excellent. Seriously, it took me a while but I finally get to review an MSX game that solidified that console’s reputation for quality curios. See, Gradius 2 isn’t just a series of new Gradius levels and settings. That’s part of it, and what levels are here are fantastic and worthy of the franchise. Some of them work as sort of prototypes for future Gradius II/III levels, but even those play radically different. Does this look familiar?
Yea, I’ve got a lot of firepower.
Well, it might look like levels from Salamander/Life Force or Gradius II, but it’s totally different. You’re not dodging massive blasts of fire. It’s actually more like a cross between that stage and the volcanoes from the first game, but it absolute works, and it even stands out on its own with these:
There’s also several unique, original twists on the main design of the Big Core MK ship, but the biggest twist of all is what happens when you finish them. In my first playthrough, I was like “why do they take so long to explode after you beat them? Gosh, it really hurts the pacing.” But, it turns out that after you defeat a boss, before it explodes, you can fly into it to acquire new weapons that you can spend your item points on. You do need to defeat the bosses quickly in order to earn one. 30 seconds or less for one upgrade, 15 seconds or less for two.
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There’s also some risk/reward factors to consider. As you acquire more upgrades, the item bar becomes longer. Of course, this means that it can take longer for you to get enough item points to regain a full load-out if you die. Or, you don’t even need to die. The shield is always the last item on the bar, so every new addition to the bar is a +1 for how many item points you need to light it again. The new weapons, including wide-angled lasers, are likely overpowered. I became an unstoppable tank for large sections of the game. But, it’s fun, and that’s all I’ve ever cared about. In addition to all of that, there’s new capsules that act as temporary boosts that do things like make your options spin around you or turn your ship into a drill. This really is a fantastic game.
You’ll want to make sure that the version you’re playing, if you use the flamethrower-like weapon, fixes a bug that stops you from being able to shoot these barriers. Otherwise, you will die. Hell, I died here several times anyway.
There’s only one major knock on Gradius 2. The true final level can only be reached after completing two cycles of levels, and how it’s handled is a bummer. After you beat one cycle, you have to replay the stages in reverse order, meaning the start of the back-half forces you to re-beat stages you literally just finished. If that doesn’t sound fun, well, it’s not. The only virtue to this is that the levels are shorter the second time, but it still sucks the way they set it up and I wish they hadn’t done it like that. Otherwise, Gradius 2 is like the ultimate expansion pack of the first MSX Gradius. It uses the same engine and has a similar appearance, but it feels grander than you would think its hardware limitations would allow. And now I’m really annoyed that Gradius Origins doesn’t include these. If they aren’t hidden in the collection somewhere, I’m going to shake my fist so much. Verdict: YES! – $6 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Life Force aka Salamander Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System Released September 25, 1987 Directed by Shigeharu Umezaki Developed by Konami NO MODERN RELEASE Wikis: Konami – Gradius – Strategy
There’s moments of brilliance and high tension in Life Force. I wish the game could maintain it. Also, please note that only the Famicom version allows for three options. Two is the limit in the US port.
Life Force has a very serious pacing problem. While the NES version doesn’t necessarily utilize the dirty tactics of the coin-op, it still has most of the problems of the original. The setting is boring. The enemies are (mostly) uninspired. If this were released in 2025, it’s a safe bet Life Force would be DLC for Gradius, and not even amazing DLC. Also, the US version has the thirty lives code from Contra (apparently the LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT part doesn’t matter) so after familiarizing myself with the Japanese version, I decided to see if I could finish the game in a single pack of 30 lives. The counter started at 29 and finished with 16, but that doesn’t count all the extra lives I found or earned along the way. And, I felt the experience was a little underwhelming.
The NES version surely doesn’t scale right. Easily the hardest part in the entire game was this right here. It didn’t help that I died right before it and lost my loadout, so I had to go into it with my peashooter. And in the home version, the bosses don’t feel sorry for you and die on their own.
Easily the highlight of the game is the bosses. They’re a big improvement over the coin-op and the only reason why my verdict wasn’t as simple as it should have been. They’re all pretty fun to fight, and despite the game being only six levels, there’s a whopping three new bosses to battle in the home version. There’s also some set pieces I enjoyed that are exclusive to the NES game. A speed zone in the fourth level. An Egyptian theme that starts halfway through the fifth level. Which obviously means the game abandoned the whole “flying inside a giant creature” theme it’s supposed to have. I mean, seriously, you just suddenly enter a structure that looks like this:
“Now entering the Testicle Temple.”
And it’s like……. okie-dokie?! I guess the people previously eaten by the giant space creature you’re blowing-up from the inside decided to make the best of a bad situation and built a temple to thank the gods before they became poop. “Or maybe the giant space creature ate the temple whole!” my father proposed, but I dunno. Seems like a good way to get kidney stones to me. Also, the boss of that stage is King Tut, who shows up constantly in games despite the fact that Tutankhamen was, to put it mildly, physically and developmentally disabled. Okay, fine, that’s actually not Tut himself. You’re right, because it’s really his death mask. You know, the thing he needed because he f*cking died at the age of 18 from, well, everything. This includes goddamned bone necrosis. Do you know what that means? It means his skeleton died before the rest of him did! Holy crap! He certainly lived in constant, inescapable pain and suffering until dying at the age of 18, presumably after speaking his final words, which records show were “oh thank the gods.”
Good boss fight, don’t get me wrong. And yes, the mask isn’t actually supposed to have the likeness of Tut, but rather a mix of Tut and Osiris. Well, maybe not. They almost certainly, no joke, repurposed a mask that was made for previous pharaohs and gave it to Tut instead. So, the most famous object of Ancient Egypt was probably regifted. Who knew?
But the Tut battle is also indicative of a bigger problem. As you enter the boss chamber, it takes nearly a full minute for the actual battle to start, and all but a single second of that is spent waiting around. The ceiling starts to collapse one brick at a time, but you only have to dodge one brick during that entire sequence, then wait out the rest. It’s boring. There’s several extended sequences with no enemies and no bosses. It’s not like the setting or scenery is interesting, either. It’s just a lull in the action. That’s why I really struggled with this verdict quite a bit, just like I did with the coin-op.
The original bits are pretty memorable, and Life Force absolutely needed them.
Not even the co-op helped because it just made the game even easier. Originally, I had Life Force NES down as a NO! In a genre defined by white knuckle action, Life Force on the NES just doesn’t offer enough of it. But, NO! didn’t feel right, either. Ultimately, I think there’s just enough highlights to push Life Force over the finish line for what might be my least enthusiastic YES! in a long time. That’s almost entirely based on the bosses, the NES-exclusive parts and the fact that it should take under a half hour to finish. Before writing this feature, I was certain I’d like this more than the NES Gradius. I was wrong. Life Force is a massive step backwards from Gradius and is, at best, barely okay. Verdict: YES! – $1 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Falsion Platform: Famicom Disk System Released October 21, 1987 Developed by Konami Utilizes the Famicom 3D System Never Released Outside of Japan NEVER BEEN RELEASED Wikis: Konami – Strategy
Thank you to my friend David Medina, who has experience with the Famicom 3D System, for helping out with this one.
What you’re seeing above is a paused single moment of Falsion, only the sprites themselves are slightly out of alignment. It’s the shutter effect of the Famicom 3D System, which is such a non-entity in gaming history that I completely forgot it exists. “It is very similar to the Sega Master System 3D glasses except it has a rubber strap that will fit on anyone’s head. Like the Sega glasses it has LCD shutter technology. Each side flashes rapidly so the blurred images on the TV creates the illusion of depth” says David Medina. Only seven games were made for it, and only two of those were converted for the global audience: The 3-D Battles of WorldRunner and a game known as Highway Star in Japan that has a more famous NES name: Rad Racer (which I’ve kind of covered as part of Nintendo World Championships 1990 in Tetris Forever: The Definitive Review). That’s the game that the dweeb plays with the Power Glove in the feature-length Nintendo advertisement The Wizard.
Am I fighting the Phoenix Suns over here?
Falsion never made the jump over, and it’s easy to understand why. I didn’t get to play this with the 3D effects, which, if the above screenshot doesn’t make plainly obvious, is literally the only thing the game has going for it. Even if I had the means to do the 3D, I couldn’t. I have epilepsy, and 3D media is a strict no-no. For that reason, I originally had a wishy-washy non-review here. While editing this feature, I felt icky about my Falsion non-review. “Come on, Cathy. You know the difference between a good game and a bad one, even without imaginary depth perception.” So, yeah, Falsion is a terribly boring game, and I’m going to guess that’s true no matter how you play it. It’s just a bland After Burner/Space Harrier wannabe where, if you have an expensive and underutilized accessory, you can see layers. Ooooh, layers. Well, that totally makes up for having graphics that look like this:
That’s embarrassing.
Okay, so even though it offers the option of 2D gameplay, reviewing only the 2D version isn’t TOTALLY fair to the game, which heavily relies on the 3D illusion for the gameplay to make logical sense. You can’t trust your senses or your instincts playing Falsion without the glasses. Like, take a look at this screenshot:
I can pass directly through those sprites and not die, because they’re actually closer to the camera than I am. The problem is you can’t really tell where any enemies are in relation to your position if they come from any angle but the horizon, where you can see their approach. So, playing Falsion in 2D mode requires brute-force memorization of the enemies and their patterns. Now, some people like that style of shmup, but I don’t. I like instinctive, reactive gameplay. Granted, it’s not hard to memorize the enemies or anything, because Falsion helpfully repeats attack patterns, usually via mirroring their position on the screen, to the point of exhaustion. When I actually played the game from start to finish, it became really clear really fast that Falsion has very limited appeal as a video game. It’s a novelty, and nothing more. The enemies aren’t memorable in design or clever in their attack patterns. It’s really basic, and that was almost certainly to accommodate the 3D gimmick. Even the boss fights are pretty damn boring (and you can’t pause the game during them for some reason).
David (not to be confused with regular IGC consultant Dave Sanders, designer of legendary pinball table Alien and my go-to arcade guru) actually has played this with the Famicom 3D System. “If you played Space Harrier 3D for SMS with the glasses before you get the idea how the 3D effects work. Unfortunately you will need an older CRT monitor to be able to see the effects. The 3D System goggles will not work with any flat screen. While it’s a cool little gimmick these days it’s nothing worthwhile that would make one without a CRT shell out big aftermarket prices for one just to stare at the game like you’re hallucinating with sunglasses on. The game is easily playable without them.” He would have given it a YES! Safe to say we’re not in agreement, but I thank him for helping out! You know, I have some pretty damn cool friends.
While I agree with David that Falsion is “playable” without the glasses, I certainly wouldn’t give it a YES! and I’m fairly confident that would be true even with the 3D effects. I don’t think the game is cynical or anything. The development team’s heart was in the right place, but the technology just wasn’t there for the amount of depth and layers they wanted to achieve. I think with 3D glasses, this would probably have a slight touch of the uncanny valley to it. There would be no shadows, shading, and the limited colors mean the sprites aren’t detailed enough to truly pull off the illusion of depth. It would be like having popsicle stick puppets in a shoot ’em up. None of the backgrounds are particularly interesting, and as noted above, some of them are downright embarrassing. I think most people would get over the 3D effect quickly, because Falsion is just not a fun video game, with or without depth perception. Verdict: NO! But, if a collection changed it to red-cyan 3D and included glasses, I’d probably award some kind of bonus value for going the extra mile.
A-Jax aka Typhoon Platform: Arcade Released December, 1987 Developed by Konami Included in Arcade Classics Anniversary Collection ($19.99) Sold Separately via Arcade Archives ($7.99) Listing at Konami Wiki
Golly, it looks fun, doesn’t it?
Everything you need to know about how much A-Jax/Typhoon wants you to enjoy it can be summed up by how weapon drops behave. A red helicopter flies onto the screen that you shoot to create the power-up. You then have to shoot that to change what it is. So far, so commonplace. The problem is the power-up drifts towards the side of the screen, and it doesn’t take long to become out of reach. Just to prove that, yes, the designers were deliberately being pricks, later levels usually spawn enemies firing missiles that occupy the space right in front of the helicopter. It’s basically telling you “no, you’re really not getting one of the later power-ups. At the very most, you can get one of the early ones in the sequence. Maybe!” It’s such trollish design, but that’s the A-Jax experience. A possibly amazing game that comes across as a giant middle finger to players.
The crappiest thing about the sheer amount of self-sabotage on display here? There’s a damn good game in here! Awesome level design. Very enjoyable boss fights.
I’m not naive. I get that we’re now firmly in the era of “coin-ops don’t make money if a player can last a long time on a single quarter.” Fine. But there’s situations in A-Jax that sure seem unsurvivable unless you preemptively move into the right spots. Unless you want to put time into memorizing the entire layout and how to manipulate things like the enemy spawns or the item drops (which change locations depending on where you’re at on screen), you’re not going to last. Hell, there’s even situations where I think you can only survive if you go against your shmup instinct and not shoot the formation of enemies swooping in to kill you. When you kill them, they launch their missiles immediately, giving you no room to dodge. I guess that’s a novel approach to risk/reward, but there doesn’t seem to be much of the “reward” side of the equation. And by the way, all that criticism is only against the 2D sections. Because three times in the game, this happens:
It looks like a cutscene in that screenshot, but actually these are the “3D” levels, and they’re really good, especially the bosses. I’ve seen plenty of examples of the “gigantic boss is actually the background” trick that classic games had to rely on, so when I say the trio of 3D bosses in A-Jax are some of the best examples of that method done in a way that’s totally convincing, I hope it means something. The 3D stages in general are very short, but memorable and exciting. The difficulty drastically scales back for them, too. It’s almost like they remembered that the whole point of video games is for the players to have fun, not for the sh*thead developers to treat players the same way sadistic kids armed with firecrackers treat bullfrogs.
I was genuinely surprised that a game like this gives you unlimited heat-seeking missiles. That almost never happens in these types of games, but I’ll be damned if the combat isn’t SO satisfying.
So why are there only three of the “3D” stages, and more importantly, why are the stages ordered differently depending on which region’s ROM you’re playing? Dave shot down my original theory that it was a budget thing. He thinks this was meant to be a showcase for Konami’s new high performance, low cost 8-bit arcade system without over-saturating the technology or gameplay style for a hypothetical future game. As proof, he cites the fact that the international version starts with a 3D stage, while the original Japanese version opens with a 2D stage. But then a new theory came into being: Sega launched After Burner in July of 1987, five months before A-Jax released. With all due respect to A-Jax, despite the fact that it had a five month head start, After Burner looks a lot more futuristic and cutting edge. Mind you, I really liked the look of A-Jax’s 3D stuff, but it’s much slower and far less intense than After Burner. My gut instinct says the dev team was, at least in part, following the trend and the three stages are what they could whip out in four or five months. Either way, they’re the highlight of the game.
The 2D bosses are good, too. Unlike the stages themselves, there’s predictable rhythms that make them enjoyable. Still very difficult, but not to the point of being demoralizing.
Part of me wishes that Konami had recognized how entertaining those 3D stages were and just sh*tcanned the 2D aspects. I’d rather have five or six sublime levels that last a minute or two each than the mean-spirited 2D levels. The other part of me wishes they just hadn’t gone into this with such a mean-spirited attitude to begin with. The 2D levels could be sick if they toned them back dramatically. What really sucks is A-Jax never got a console home port during the era, which would have certainly toned back the difficulty like every other Konami home port. This is not a NO! verdict that I want to give out. There’s moments of brilliance in A-Jax. There’s also moments where I literally couldn’t see what was killing me due to the screen being so spammed with bullets. There’s no instant respawning when you die. A-Jax is like building an amazing water slide and replacing the water with honey: it takes all the fun out of the experience and just makes a mess of things. Verdict: NO!
Salamander Platform: MSX Released December 26, 1987 Developed by Konami Never Released in North America NO MODERN RELEASE Wikis: Konami – Gradius
This is only loosely based on the coin-op.
Darn it. After Gradius 2 on the MSX, I really thought these MSX versions would run the table on YES! verdicts. Especially since this version of Life Force has permanent upgrades, just like Gradius 2. They’re acquired differently here, as you gain upgrades every fifteen “E” items you collect. These are found by destroying key enemies along the walls, and they turn you into a death machine. Seriously, the corkscrew lasers had my jaw literally drop when I first saw them. Look at this:
You’ll also note that there’s a max of four options in this game, a first for MSX.
And there’s whole new bosses and levels, and some unexpected twists. Like, levels will scroll horizontal AND vertical, without your ship changing directions. You fly sideways when it happens, and it’s unexpected and kind of cool. This seems to check all the boxes that Gradius and Gradius 2 did, but those games kept up the pace as best as the MSX could handle. I don’t feel Salamander did at all. You move forward too slowly, but the challenge isn’t adjusted for it. I’m not even sure they used a modified version of the engine built for Gradius, as Salamander feels smaller, slower, and a lot less intense. It’s kind of silly at times, too. Like you can’t get the full experience without plugging a copy of Gradius 2 into the second cart slot. This would no doubt get corrected for a modern release, but there’s also a nonsensical bit where you can play the three middle levels in any order, but you have to play all three anyway. That’s not a positive, because they had to halt scaling to make it work. There’s no sense of increasing stakes.
The final boss is HUGE and fun to fight, but getting to it isn’t exactly thrilling.
Unlike a lot of NO! games, Salamander MSX isn’t a total stinker. The bosses are fun, as Gradius/Salamander bosses usually are. But, the game crawls along at such a sluggish pace that I did the unthinkable for this franchise: I was hitting the fast forward button on my emulator. I wasn’t dying from it, either, which is an especially damning indictment on its design. I could push the game forward, which is 3x to 4x the normal speed, for a second or two and not catch a stray bullet in the process. It’s not like I was doing this once or twice in early stages. I found myself still doing it on the last stage. The settings and themes weren’t that interesting and the level and enemy design is very dull, but even if they were better designed, inching forward as slowly as this version does would render them boring anyway. That should not be possible, ever. I’m heartbroken because I really thought I was in for a treat, but the MSX Salamander is simply too poorly paced to be all that fun. Verdict: NO!
Thunder Cross Platform: Arcade Released in 1988 Developed by Konami Included in Arcade Classics Anniversary Collection ($19.99) Sold Separately via Arcade Archives ($7.99) Wikis: Konami – Gradius
Oh baby! Now this is what I’m talking about!
This is the most obvious split decision I’ve ever made. No game has regional variations quite as far apart in quality as Thunder Cross. Well, and Xexex too, which I’ll get to later. For Thunder Cross, the Japanese build is one of the most inspired, enjoyable games I’ve played in the last year. A game that fundamentally wants to be an elite, popular game. And then it was sent overseas, where it apparently caught scurvy along the way. So, I have another split decision. Traditionally, I do the NO! version first, then follow it with the YES! variation. For Thunder Cross, I have to flip it around because it’s so unfathomable that a sublime game was DELIBERATELY transformed into a mediocre one. I want to spell out to my readers what a needlessly destructive design decision was made with Thunder Cross.
SPLIT DECISION – JAPANESE VERSION (aka ROM SET 1)
“I’ve got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart!”
With Thunder Cross, Konami seemed to realize that the little options that players acquire are damn fun to have, so why not base an entire game around them? They’re frequently dropped until players get the max of four. Okay, so what’s the big deal there? Two amazing twists turn Thunder Cross into the best game in this feature yet (which will last until the start of the next review). The first twist is that, when you don’t have an option-specific power-up, the button for the options adjusts how spread-out they are. You can stretch them the length of the screen, or have them fly close by the main ship. It works wonderfully, too! Feels naturally intuitive and takes a minimum amount of gameplay to adjust to. Of course, you won’t get to use it that much because of twist #2: option-specific power-ups. Those flame throwers in the above picture? That’s one of them. There’s two more: some very generous bombs (they’re called napalm but they’re not) and lasers.
Weirdly, the lasers are the least satisfying of the three, by quite a margin too. They cut through everything but not in a way that offers a nice “POW” to it, for lack of a better term. I wasn’t a fan. The napalm and flamethrowers? The smile never vanished from my face. Now, they’re limited usage based on ammo and not a set time limit, and the catch is you lose the ability to space out the options until you run out of ammo. Presumably the game would be too easy if you could still do that. But, the good news keeps coming from Thunder Cross: it’s not stingy with drops at all. Even better is that the basic guns are just as fun as the option’s gun, and picking up the same gun twice in a row gives you an even more effective version of it. The vulcans are gigantic bullets that you can fire at a fairly high rate. There’s a laser, which isn’t to be confused with the gigantic lasers the options can equip. And then there’s my new favorite gun ever: the boomerang gun. It literally shoots boomerangs. That sounds delightful, but it gets better: THEY RICOCHET! OFF EVERYTHING! Enemies! Walls! It’s f*cking awesome!
Now, if there is a problem with Thunder Cross, it’s that the enemies and bosses are nowhere near as inspired or memorable in their design as the Gradius franchise. If they had looked or sounded half as interesting as what Gradius II is about to have (and it’s up next), this would be the new favorite to finish #1 in this feature. While I won’t argue anything looks bad in any way, Thunder Cross’ sprites are very generic. I just beat the game a few times and I still don’t think I could pick a single basic enemy out of a lineup, and the bosses aren’t much better. Here’s the first boss.
I mean, it’s not the worst by any means. But it feels like something that could be cut and pasted into any space shmup, doesn’t it? And other bosses are kind of in the same boat, as are the settings and enemy sprites. If not for the stellar gameplay, Thunder Cross would be so generic that it could practically be called Spaceship Video Games: The Video Game. All the personality is limited to the gameplay, and it speaks to how well done the gameplay is that Thunder Cross is oozing personality. It’s this strange juxtaposition of bland settings and bland character design that pops to a degree it shouldn’t because it’s impossible to be bored playing this version of Thunder Cross.
This is the final boss. I’m actually kind of embarrassed for Konami on this one.
Some games are all-in on themes. Thunder Cross is all-in on a shoot ’em up experience. It’s such a generous game that it’s almost hard to believe it’s a coin-op. You respawn instantly when you die. Items are plentiful. Hell, the reason I kept dying is because the options are so visually distracting that I lost track of my ship. That’s not a joke, either. There was the occasional moment where the special weapons of the options were so big and covered the screen to such a degree that it caught me off guard when my ship suddenly blew up. There’s a BIG learning curve to anticipating when you’re being fired upon. Otherwise, this is probably one of the best of its breed I’ve played. I didn’t play these games in the order they’re listed here. At this point, it’s been a couple weeks since I played Gradius II, which has been the front-runner for best game in Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection ever since. If Thunder Cross had even a single memorable set-piece, this could have overtaken it. It’s probably one of the most forgettable good games ever made, but I suspect I won’t remember it within a year. Sure is fun while it lasts, though. Verdict: YES! – $12 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection but this review is not over.
SPLIT DECISION – US VERSION (aka ROM SET 2)
Seen in this pic: a fully powered ship in the OTHER version of Thunder Cross.
Take the previous review that already hurt badly for personality. Remove all the power-ups but the vulcan bullets. And I do mean ALL the other power-ups, including all three special guns used exclusively by the options. Hell, they even removed the ability to space-out the options. The only kindness offered is starting with two options right off the bat, plus players have the ability to drop three bombs (which are just the napalm bombs from the Japanese version) every stage. You can’t even add to that. The end result is a version of Thunder Cross that has no pulse at all. No personality. No thrilling gunplay. This thing is dead. I poked at it with a stick and everything and it’s not even twitching. Call the coroner because Thunder Cross has been murdered!
The “giant ship as a level” trope is utilized here, and it was a lot of fun in the Japanese version. It’s an unfair slog in the US version because of the lack of useful bullets.
Why on Earth would they do this? Apparently Konami had an institutional policy of beefing-up the difficulty for American releases. I guess this wasn’t just done for NES rental proofing like seen with Bayou Billy (which I reviewed in this feature). My father pointed out that arcade games are just a smaller scale form of rental so technically we could still call this a form of rental-proofing. The Japanese game is probably the easiest Konami shmup to grace arcades up to this point thanks to the wrecking ball strength of the guns. I don’t know if the only way to juice the difficulty was to strip out all the fun items, but it was probably the way that required the least amount of effort. They also added some cheap ass enemies, like ones that fire what sure seems to be unavoidable homing bullets that resulted in an automatic death every time, at least for me. Thunder Cross in Japan is one of the best shmups Konami has done. This version is one of the worst, and it feels like it was done with malice. I’ll never understand it. There’s no way to spin this in a logical way. For that reason, I declare this to be Konami’s dumbest move of the 1980s. Verdict: NO!
Gradius II: Gofer no Yabou aka Vulcan Venture Platform: Arcade Released March, 1988 Directed by Hiroyasu Machiguchi Developed by Konami Included in Arcade Classics Anniversary Collection ($19.99) Sold Separately via Arcade Archives ($7.99) To Be Included in Gradius Origins Wikis: Konami – Gradius – Strategy
What an opening stage! Wow!
I’m so mad at Gradius II. I mean, I love it, but it’s to blame for this definitive review. I only wanted to get some screenshots of the Crab encounter and a few other comparison shots for use in a review of Parodius Da!, the satire of Konami shoot ’em ups that’s still to come in this review. But, the Crab comes at the end of the game, which means playing through the whole game, which made me want to review every Konami shmup. I don’t know if the first Gradius or Gradius III would have done that to me. It’s not simply “more of the same” because the pacing and scale is historically good. That screenshot above of the first stage? It’s so grand in scale that it feels jarring for an opening level. Flying around suns while shooting fire dragons? That feels like a mid-to-late game trope. Putting it right at the start would come across as desperate in a lesser game. What a ballsy call starting Gradius II with this was. It’s putting your cards on the table and saying “imagine what the rest of the game will be like!”
I’ll whine about close-quarters encounters in a lot of these reviews, but this one works because it doesn’t trap you in one tight spot too long. Remember: tempo, not timing. It doesn’t matter when you do this kind of thing in a game, or how long it lasts, as long as the game maintains a consistent sense of urgency. Gigantic spaceships that carve out a tiny little space for you to hide in while the ship slowly lingers on the screen is not the way to do it. THIS IS, because it feels more open, even if it’s just an illusion, thus maintaining the sense of tense urgency.
Gradius II is a sequel that knows it’s a sequel. It’s the same base game, only with more loadouts (thus more player flexibility) and different set pieces. BIGGER set pieces. It also takes it for granted that people playing Gradius #2 probably are fans of Gradius #1 and don’t need to see the same kind of introductory stage or set pieces from the first game. It’s a space shmup. Really, set pieces, settings, and bosses are all you have, so go big or go home. The only aspect of Gradius II that feels like a close approximation of an already existing Gradius stage is the Moai level, which was also the lowest point of the game for me because it felt kind of like a rerun. A little bigger in scale, maybe, but I would think you really have to do more than that to stand out, especially in THIS game. Compare the picture on the left (Gradius I) to the one on the right (Mario is Missing. No wait, it’s Gradius II).
Gradius
Gradius II
The Moai stages aren’t going to evolve all that much past that initial version in future installments of Gradius, either. Thankfully, the rest of the game is overflowing with memorable levels and some damn good boss fights. You can tell that everyone had ideas for the bosses, because the game ends on a massive boss rush, but not a boring “rematch the ones you already beat” boss rush. You fight not one, not two, but SIX bosses different from the ones you’ve already encountered in a row. Some are original designs while others are callbacks from the original Gradius and Salamander, but you didn’t already fight them in this game so it doesn’t count. I have no objection to bringing back old bosses from previous games in a segment like this, especially since this isn’t the actual finale of the game. Hell, the way they do it, it feels exactly like the final desperate act of a villainous enemy force staring down defeat. This was so successful the boss rush became a beloved staple of the franchise. This is also why I hate boss rushes that just repeat the same bosses you already did. Be like Gradius, developers!
What I especially love is after fighting the iconic Big Core from the first Gradius (this after beating the Big Core MK II in the previous level), the game surprises you with one last new Big Core encounter, the boringly named Covered Core, to close one the best boss rushes in gaming history.
I didn’t even mind the debut of one of the most pesky little bastards in the history of the medium: the Option Hunter. It’s an indestructible nuisance that shows up behind you and, after giving you a couple seconds to take evasive maneuvers, it lunges forward and snatches your options, potentially taking all of them if it hits the one closest to you. While touching it doesn’t kill YOU, once it has your options, they’re gone. You have to get new ones. This is the textbook definition of “keeping you honest” since you have to be hyper-aware of their lingering threat. If I had any one knock on Gradius II, it’s that the timing of when it appears isn’t elegant. If you’re going to create something like this, don’t tie it to when the player activates four options. Base it around the level design. They should have watched play testers, selected three or four segments throughout the game where players are more likely to go into cruise control, and stuck the option hunters there in order to keep players on their toes.
The option hunter is behind me here. These will eventually become annoying in the franchise, but for now, they’re fine and work as intended to add tension and stakes.
It goes without saying that Gradius II is one of the best shoot ’em ups ever, and in that regard, it’s almost boring to talk about it. It just doesn’t do anything wrong. Unlike some later Konami games, it never even feels like a bullet hell, at least on the default settings. The challenge is spot-on if you have experience and skill, but an average player can probably also get good at the genre just through practicing at Gradius II. It’s the right kind of challenge to be an excellent trainer game, even more than the original. What fascinates me most about Gradius II is that it’s the perfect game to educate game designers on how to do fan-pleasing sequels. Why? Because it’s such an uncomplicated game that it doesn’t require a close examination, yet the lessons you can glean from it are universal to gaming as a whole.
Well, I never said it was ALL original. Original in the “it wasn’t in the first game or Salamander” sense but not in the “yeah, we all liked Alien and Aliens” sense. It could also be said to be kinda like R-Type, but I stand by my “we all saw Aliens” comment.
Anyone working in the industry who is developing a video game sequel, regardless of the genre, should play Gradius and Gradius II back-to-back in order to get an idea of how a sequel should scale. Or how to start a sequel. Or how to feel more extravagant without betraying the settings and theme. Or how to feel fresh while actually changing very little that made the first game successful enough to warrant a sequel in the first place. The only question I had was “does Gradius II make my short list of perfect games?” Pac-Man, Portal, the modern Tetris formula, the tiny but flawless NES indie Böbl, and the pinball table Attack From Mars? It’s certainly close. At first, I thought the Moai stage should be disqualifying. But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that, besides repeating the previous game, that stage doesn’t do anything wrong. While I continue to think about it, there’s one question I don’t need to ask: whether or not Gradius II is the perfect sequel. It is. Verdict: YES! – $15 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Parodius aka Parodius: The Octopus Saves the Earth Platform: MSX Developed by Konami First Released April 28, 1988 Never Released in North America NO MODERN RE-RELEASE Read the Original Indie Gamer Chick Review Wikis: Konami – Gradius
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Now that I’ve closely examined the Gradius/Salamander franchise, I appreciate the original MSX Parodius more. Oh, I still don’t think it’s a very good game. It could be, even without changing things like some of the level design or basic enemy design. Parodius is a fun, quirky game rendered a total snoozer by how damn spongy bosses are and how long some of the set-pieces are. Take the above segment. You fly into a small corridor and the ceiling caves in on you. That should be exciting, but after a minute the thing is still raining blocks on you, and it’s not exciting anymore. The sh*tty thing is, they should have already known the “stop scrolling and dodge the falling blocks” concept doesn’t really work as a thrilling set-piece because they tried it in Life Force for the NES and murdered the pace right before a wonderful boss fight. Well, this segment is like if you had to repeat THAT prelude to the King Tut fight twenty times in a row. Octopus Saves the Earth needed someone in charge to say “lose the falling blocks” or “cut that boss’ health by 75%.”
Disappointing final boss, too. This looks like the design of a mid-tier boss.
Appreciate was the wrong word. I admire that Parodius is a satire that also tries to stand on its own as a fully-realized original shoot ’em up. That’s in contrast to the first “major” Parodius game, Parodius Da!, which largely just reskinned set-pieces from other games. I’m sure there’s an argument as to which way is a parody and which is a satire. I’m pretty sure a true parody is actually more like what Parodius Da! does. Either way, this MSX original really isn’t cynical. There’s heart and soul to Parodius, and it just isn’t as fun because of pacing problems that go beyond normal MSX technical limitations. Sadly, one of the last reviews of this feature is a PSP remake of it, only it just eliminates the slice-scrolling without actually touching the gameplay issues. I’d love to see this remade entirely, with re-balanced bosses and maybe removal of the white bell segments in the final level, which I don’t really think work all that well. I’m happy I replayed Parodius to make sure I got it right the first time, and I did: really close to being a YES!, but not quite good enough. Verdict: NO!
Devastators aka Garuka Platform: Arcade Released September, 1988 Developed by Konami NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED Listing at Konami Wiki
See that little firecracker going off in front of me? Yea, that’s how far your standard bullets travel. It’s like playing an action game that replaces guns with a Roman candle that’s halfway to being a dud.
For all the nasty things I’m about to say, keep in mind that Devastators is getting a YES! It’s fine. It’s also got more problems than a math test. Now, I’m writing this review about a week after completing the re-review of Konami’s coin-op G.I. Joe (which I’ve already reviewed at IGC) which I played co-op with the kids for this feature. When I showed them this, sans the title screen, all three said some variation of “you didn’t tell me G.I. Joe had a sequel/was a sequel!” Devastators and G.I. Joe clearly shares a connection, though oddly enough, the original 1988 game offers a far more nuanced offensive game and a much, much stronger defensive game. It’s also a perfect example of how sometimes a game’s audio/visuals can override your senses and make the experience feel different than the actual gameplay suggests it should.
Co-op is for sure the way to play this as the enemies attack formations are clearly oriented for two players on opposite sides of the screen.
You have to manually scroll forward and the sense of speed or progress is, well, let’s say “less than energetic.” For that reason, Devastators feels like one of the slower run & gun games I’ve played, but is it really? The actual tempo of the action is on par with any other run & gun game, with tons of small enemies to gun down broken-up by more dangerous vehicles or lookout towers. Even though that tempo is constantly upbeat, it still feels like you’re barely crawling forward. Perception is reality, and so a game that’s basically non-stop running, dodging, and shooting still feels like it’s drag racing tectonic plates. It’s also extremely repetitive. The closest it comes to a set-piece is a level where you’re navel-high in water, but it doesn’t change the feel of the game. Plus, the immersion doesn’t quite click when rockets take out most helicopters with one shot, but not the bosses that are often not much bigger or as armored as the choppers are.
See the gigantic explosion in the water? That’s not a rarity, nor is it limited to the water stage. These massive blast sprites are arguably the biggest flaw in the game. Needless to say, it screws with visibility and makes deaths come out of nowhere because a not-insignificant portion of the playfield is being blocked by the BOOMs.
Now, if you can tell yourself that the slowness is an optical illusion (and I cannot stress enough: IT IS an illusion) and Devastators is paced correctly, you’re in for a solid but unspectacular twenty to thirty minutes of action. You have a default gun and most enemies function as little more than cannon fodder. Basic baddies die from a single shot, Contra-style. Ones in yellow uniforms drop either a form of grenades that are used for the normal enemies or a rocket launcher that targets only vehicles (including bosses) or other structures. Item drops are above average in terms of generosity, but special weapons are mapped to a single button. This causes problems.
Okay, fine, not ALL the designs are bland.
Which type of weapon you use depends on whether the game locks onto a target or not, but the locking on is too fickle. This is especially noticeable in co-op, where it seems to always take longer for the system to decide which player is targeting which thing. It’s all done automatically. Konami was very wise with basing boss fights largely around them. Some games have bosses so spongy it’s tolerable. Devastators hits the sweet spot. Just right. It’s a damn shame it’s so unmemorable in design, but the gameplay is solid. Okay, so suspension of disbelief is out the window. Like, it’s a boat. Shouldn’t a rocket that obliterates a helicopter with a single shot do the same to a hovercraft?
The second-to-last boss is just guys in cars. Womp womp.
Maybe the greatest challenge is the timer. You can only really stop a few times to take out the enemies, and if you’re playing single-player, you really do have to keep moving forward. If time runs out, it’s game over regardless of how many lives you have. This probably further contributes to the sensation of slowness. So does the act of firing the rockets since the sprite fully animates pulling out the launcher, aiming, and firing. You can die in the space between pressing the button to fire and the rocket actually launching. Thankfully, the explosions are VERY satisfactory. When the lock-on for the rockets happens, I always smirked just a little.
The smoke bombs/dynamite/whatever the fudge they are (pictured above) work a LOT better on the enemy clusters than the grenades. Really, as overzealous kaboom sprites as they have, the grenades really aren’t that effective, at least before boss fights.
Okay, so Devastators isn’t going to change your life. You won’t sit around thinking “golly, I wish I had heard of this game sooner.” It’s fine. Nothing special, but also a damn cathartic use of twenty to thirty minutes. I thought it was pretty decent. The kids were nowhere close to me on that and thought it was barely okay because of that perception of slowness. Worth a look? Yep. Should it be in Arcade Archives? Absolutely. Is it a game you should buy on day one when it happens? Nope. Wait for a discount, but then get it. It’s one of those games that’s as basic as an undressed salad, but it has a sense of moxie that elevates it. Now if only it had a sense of pep in its step, it might have been one of the all-time underrated coin-ops. Verdict: YES! – $4 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Gyruss Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System First Released November 18, 1988 Developed by Konami NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED Wikis: Konami – Strategy
I feel like standing up and cheering. Wow, what a difference a few years makes.
I approached the NES Gyruss with a sense of cautious optimism, which is a wishy-washy way of saying I thought it might be one of the most boring games in this entire feature. I knew that Konami reworked the coin-op by adding bombs and bosses, which was the source of the wary hope. I also knew it retained the 360° playfield that takes place on stark black background and the same core gameplay, which is why I thought I was in for a world of suck. Thankfully, it became pretty clear pretty quickly that Gyruss on the NES is a vast improvement over the arcade version. The game cuts a much better tempo, with mini-bosses and genuinely challenging big bosses. The enemies have a nicer snap to them when you blow them up, and their designs look so much bigger and more detailed, which makes the whole premise that much more exciting. It’s, dare I say, kind of immersive.
Excellent sprites, too. These are enemies that you want to fight. They’re memorable.
Now remember, the coin-op has basically perfect game mechanics, and it just didn’t add-up to a fun game. Those perfect mechanics made the trip home. Gyruss plays great, with excellent shooting action and accurate controls. The worst part of the coin-op also carries over: the setting is still boring, and there’s no getting around it. A plain black background with dots to simulate forward movement is exhausting after so many stages. There is something resembling a set-piece right before you fight the last boss: you have to avoid a series of fireballs. This sequence is fairly easy and goes on too long, especially since it’s the prelude to the big finale. Maybe the final boss was playing 4D chess and trying to put me to sleep.
Bombs are more like power-shots that obliterate everything in their path, including the modules on the bosses.
That one fireball sequence is the only part where the pace dies. The rest of Gyruss NES has a peppy tempo, though if you play the Famicom Disk System version like I did, you will have to suffer through a few load times in exchange for getting a proper ending that’s exclusive to the Japanese build. The remarkable thing is the pace is kept-up despite adding more levels, bringing the total to forty. Each planet is divided into three waves, with the first wave being third-person cylindrical Galaga, just like the coin-op. But then, the second wave introduces a mini-boss like arrangement of pods that continuously release enemies until they’re defeated. At first, the third and final wave of each planet feels like it’s going to be a slightly more intense rehash of the first wave, but after slaying the last enemy, a boss appears.
A couple of the bosses feel like they’re straight out of Gradius, including the final boss.
The boss battles serve as legitimate highlights and actually do put up a fight. Most of them have a similar structure: blow up all the modules, with each level adding another module to the core structure. They’re almost all fun to fight and certainly good enough that you want to keep playing just to see what the next one will be. There’s one single dull boss: a trio of ordinary looking spaceships that you fight at the same time that just kind of didn’t do anything for me, but thankfully, it’s a one-off whiff. In addition to all the excellent bosses, levels have unique enemies, though they’re not totally successful in making the stages feel unique. The black void setting prevents that, of course. While the potential of the coin-op’s mechanics is finally realized thanks to this NES port, I think we’re still waiting on the best version of Gyruss. Apparently the Xbox 360 had better backgrounds, but that doesn’t help me much today.
Does that not look like a Life Force boss? Or maybe like the brains from the first Gradius?
I’m really grateful for the NES Gyruss because it proves how valuable unique settings for each-level are. Even if they’re not interactive, it’s still important because those facades create a unique experience. There are so many games that let you take the role of an intergalactic fighter pilot. There has to be thousands of them. Some of them play badly. Gyruss is fortunate enough to play splendidly, especially on the NES, but that alone doesn’t help you stand out in a crowded field. Having awesome gameplay is great and obviously should be the most important thing, but it’s not everything. As good a time as I had playing the NES Gyruss, I’m not entirely sure I’ll remember it a year from now. It’s a game where the setting feels like it’s still using a placeholder. Imagine Gradius if every stage was a stark black void. That’s what Gyruss actually is, and it’s not better for it. With that said, I really enjoyed playing this port because of its excellent space combat punctuated by enjoyable boss battles. It’s just a better game than the coin-op. The only thing that’s frustrating is this could still be an all-timer if someone could craft an inspired backdrop for it. Verdict: YES! – $5 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Gradius II Platform: Famicom Released December 16, 1988 Directed by Shigeharu Umezaki and Setsu Muraki Developed by Konami Never Released Outside of Japan NO MODERN RELEASE Wikis: Konami – Gradius – Strategy
Screenshots for NES games are going to look a bit janky going forward due to how Konami got around hardware limitations. In motion, it’s flickery but in a way you can adjust to.
Gradius II is one of the most technologically advanced games on the Famicom. This is likely the reason it never came out in the United States, as it utilized the special VRC4 mapper chip. For the unwashed masses, the Famicom/NES was designed to play a nearly arcade-perfect version of Donkey Kong, and to a lesser extent Donkey Kong Jr and Popeye. That’s it, and hell, by time the original Mario Bros. came out, the Famicom was already incapable of making it look like the coin op, causing a massive downgrade in graphics and animation. But, Nintendo kind of knew that the Famicom would also be future proofed, only it wouldn’t be by the inhouse hardware itself. It would be expanded via the in-development Famicom Disk System and by the ability of Famicom cartridges to house more advanced chips and sub-processors. This is GROSSLY over-simplifying things, but in a nutshell, it’s the guts they put in the carts themselves that beefed-up the native capability of the NES. Thus a platform designed specifically to play games that looked like this, and ONLY this:
Could instead, with additional chips housed within the cartridge, look like this:
Wow!
By the way, the left and right games in that second set of pictures never came out in America. Crisis Force and TwinBee 3 (coming up in the feature) and Gradius II both used the complicated VRC4. So did Konami all-star stink bombs Wai Wai World and Wai Wai World 2. Neither of those came out stateside either. Now, the cost and complexity isn’t the only reason why these games never came out in America. Life Force used the VRC3, and IGC favorite Castlevania III: Dracula’s Curse used an even more complex special chip, the VRC6. Why did they come out in America but all those others didn’t? The general consensus seems to be that Konami determined a sequel to Castlevania was worth the time and effort to convert to the NES because it would sell well in America, but the other games would not, and that was that.
Gradius II’s character design, even for the exclusive bosses, is striking. By the way, nothing like this boss really shows up at any point in the franchise ever again. Allegedly, it’s the same boss as the giant face in the NES version of Life Force, but it doesn’t feel like it at all. There’s twelve total bosses. Thirteen if you count the finale, which (per tradition) doesn’t fight back.
Whatever their reasons were, I think they made a BIG mistake passing on Gradius II. Unlike the first game, this one could have been marketed towards cutting edge NES graphics. Let’s say it didn’t release until March of 1990, a month after Super Mario 3 released in the states. I think western audiences would have rewarded Konami by making Gradius II, arguably the best looking 8-bit Konami game on a Nintendo platform, a million-seller. You can’t go off of JUST the sales of the first Gradius. Not when the sequel looks THIS good and would have been so easy to market from a visual standpoint. Especially the bosses, which would have looked great on the back of a box, or even in TV ads. We’ll never know if Konami made the right call, and the devil’s advocate in me is shouting that this would have been a relatively expensive gamble and some key aspects might have needed to be removed entirely. Notably, the voice call-outs when you activate power-ups? Those would have likely been cut. But, one way to look at it: what was a better prospect? Gradius II or an action game based on a short-lived roller derby show?
This is the slowest version of this sequence so far.
Gradius II on the Famicom is a fantastic game, but it’s a fantastic game with two major problems.
MAJOR PROBLEM #1: Constant Slowdown. And it’s not a nothingburger. In a game that constantly pushes the limits of NES sprites, along with allowing players to use four options at once (my jaw literally dropped), slowdown is constant throughout the game. Unlike sections of Gradius 1, Life Force, or Contra on the NES, it doesn’t always lend it an unintentional “bullet time” quality. That only works if you’re dealing with tight squeezes, regardless of whether they’re environmental or enemy projectiles, but in Gradius II for Famicom, it happens because of massive sprites that fill the screen. Remember the memorable crystal asteroid segment in the coin-op game? Even though it’s VASTLY scaled-back on the Famicom to the point that the threat is minimal (especially if you have a full load-out), the game chugs along to the point that excitement is sapped out of it.
The Famicom is basically saying “I think I can! I think I can! I think I can!”
MAJOR PROBLEM #2: Imperfect Collision Detection. The collision detection isn’t sprite-perfect. While the box isn’t so inaccurate that it completely ruins the game, it’s hard to intuitively know how close you can get to some of the obstacles. “Inconsistent” is the word I’d use to describe the collision. You’ll feel it right from the start. On the left, I’m alive, and on the right, I’m already dead and exploding. Spot the difference, if you can. Did you figure it out?
The game couldn’t draw the solar flare as fat as it was meant to be, so it killed me because the NEXT frame, the one that would be lethal, would be the true representation of the danger element. When you straddle the cutting edge, you’re bound to get nicked once or twice. Take a look at this screenshot, where the tiny solar flare that killed me isn’t drawn at all, until it suddenly is.
I’m really not convinced either of the shields are accurate, especially the forcefield that surrounds you. There were a couple times where I escaped a barrage of bullets and my shield was still depleted despite nothing hitting it. I suppose it was close enough that I’ll concede the possibility there was a grazing shot. And yet, in some sections, it seems to be pretty close to perfect. Enemies bullets? I never remember a single one that felt like it was shady. How about solid walls? Nope. If anything, Gradius II is extremely generous about them. Take a look at these two screens. On the left, I’m barely dodging relatively large bombs, and on the right, most of my sprite is enveloped by the floor, but I’m dying from neither.
This tells me that most of the things that feel like “collision” issues aren’t so much the ship or bullets, but the large-scale objects. The fires in the opening level. Boss sprites. Large energy blasts. It’s not nothing, as there were plenty of times I said “hold on, that shouldn’t have killed me” and games like this sort of need to be perfect. Gradius II, like Gradius I, doesn’t instantly respawn you, and besides that, you lose your loadout. The good news is you don’t have to be a God at Nintendo to finish this. It even uses the exact same thirty lives code that Contra does at the title screen. And Gradius II is certainly a game worth playing on the Famicom. It changes a lot from the coin-op, including new bosses. Well, “new” being relative, as they’re copy-and-pasted from Life Force. But, it feels fresh, even if you played the sublime coin-op. It even has double-upgradable lasers/ripples and, after getting your fourth option, you can activate it a fifth time to get ten or so seconds of the options circling around you.
Hell, you can even blow up the walking robot in this one. I’m pretty sure the NES version is the only one that allows this. Oh, it’s tough to do it. It takes a while to get in front of it. If you have four options and you’re feeling bold, you can try to drape them behind you, giving you enough reach to zap the core when it walks towards you.
While its technical hang-ups are frustrating, Famicom Gradius II is also such a dang fun game. Like so many home ports on this list, Konami can’t argue that it’s redundant to include the Famicom game when the coin-op is in Gradius Origins. As someone playing these games often back-to-back with the arcade counterparts, trust me, they don’t clash. They complement each other. It’s impossible to argue that the Famicom version isn’t historically significant. New technology had to be invented to make Gradius II on the Famicom possible. That seems like a big deal to me. Depending on how you feel about the first Mother game (Earthbound Origins or whatever they call it these days) it’s probably the biggest Famicom-exclusive game, and for my money, it’s the best one too. Verdict: YES! – $6 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Gofer no Yabou: Episode II aka Nemesis 3: The Eve of Destruction Platform: MSX Released January 27, 1989 Developed by Konami Never Released in North America NO MODERN RELEASE Wikis: Konami – Gradius
You really might think during the first level that this is a direct lift of Gradius II, but it’s really not.
The final game of Gradius trilogy on the MSX not only assures that the franchise gets a clean three-for-three sweep, but I walked away thinking “they really should remake these as if they were arcade games.” Getting the negative out of the way first: there’s occasional moments of slowness, though never to the degree Salamander on MSX featured. I only found myself fast forwarding cut scenes. Don’t get me wrong: Nemesis 3 isn’t as perfectly fine-tuned for MSX as Gradius 2 was (obviously not counting the “now do it again, only backwards” part), but it does a solid job. It also drops the “flying into the boss core to gain a new weapon” feature from Gradius 2 in favor of hiding upgrades in the game. Nemesis 3 is a space easter egg hunt, and this time, it’s not optional. Oh, some of the weapons are, and they’re pretty well hidden. I only found three in my play-session. Unlike Gradius 2, there’s no guides online for this one. So when this happened:
I wasn’t looking for it, didn’t expect it, and never figured out exactly what it did until after the game was finished. It turns out, it unlocked the good ending. Yea me! I did get two new guns, but there were SO MANY I didn’t get, and I wouldn’t have even thought to look except after beating nine levels, I was told I needed to find three maps that were hidden. I’d found none of them and had to replay them. Thankfully it’s not a full restart and you only have to replay the levels with the map pieces. The verdict might have turned out differently, otherwise. BUT, you do have to keep redoing them until you find the maps. By this point, I’d played enough home versions of Gradius that I sort of knew the logic of how they would be hidden, so once I knew I was looking for stuff, it wasn’t that hard to find them. If you don’t have the patience to search, spoilers for their locations, and the location of the Extra Shield System (which unlocks the good ending) are located after the first picture in the slideshow below.
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The other big difference is this is the only game in the Gradius MSX trilogy where you choose your starting load-out. You get four configurations to choose from, and after picking them, you even get to choose how you want your options to behave. I don’t recommend doing what I did in my first run and having them circle around you. What was fun and novel as a temporary power-up in previous games became an annoyance when it came to lining up shots. Thankfully, all this added content isn’t going to waste like it would have with Salamander. This is going to be a game you want to replay, with so much hidden stuff that isn’t THAT hard to find once you get a feel for the logic of it, along with excellent level design and memorable boss encounters. Maybe it’s just the placebo effect, but I think this even controlled the best, with the speed boosts scaling better than ANY version of the Gradius item bar I’ve seen. This is a really outstanding game.
Nemesis 3 finished as my favorite MSX game in this feature. Hell, I think it has to be a serious contender for the best MSX game of all-time, and maybe the best game in the genre to never get an official American release. It’s easily one of the best shoot ’em ups of the 1980s. Seriously, we’ve reached the point where not including the MSX games in Gradius Origins is an actual gaming tragedy. This game is a little over six months older than I am, but in thirty-six years, it’s never gotten a US release in any form. None of the MSX Gradius games have, and it’s long overdue. It’s tragic that Konami is throwing its hat in the ring for a big prestige collection like Gradius Origins but leaving the home games out, especially the MSX games that most people have never even seen, let alone played.
The bosses stand out in a big way. This isn’t just a series of reworked Big Cores you’re battling (not that there’s anything wrong with that). These are bosses that are also set-pieces.
Maybe they’ve got plans for another collection that includes all the home games, or maybe they’ll do them as DLC. I’m not fine with that anymore. These MSX games are good enough to be more than just bonus features. They deserve better. I didn’t know about them before this feature, but they’re downright legendary among MSX fans and hardcore Gradius fans. It didn’t take long for me to understand why. That might be the most profound thing I can say about the MSX Gradius trilogy. None of these are optimized for MSX2 or MSX2+, mind you. Well, there’s an MSX2 reworking of Gradius 2 that was bundled with a Salamander collection. In fact, it’s the final review of this feature. Not that it matters, because none of these games are celebrated by Konami today. That’s a horrible miscarriage of justice. These three titles should stand shoulder-to-shoulder with the rest of the games in the franchise, and if they did, they would still manage to stand very, very tall. Verdict: YES! – $10 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
TwinBee 3: Poko Poko Daimaō Platform: Famicom Released September 29, 1989 Developed by Konami Never Released Outside of Japan NO MODERN RELEASE Wikis: Konami – TwinBee – Strategy
Who would have guessed the final game of the NES Twinbee trilogy would be one of the more complicated verdicts in this entire seventy-six game feature?
After the first couple stages of TwinBee 3, I really thought this would waltz to a NO! and I would be glad to be done with the Famicom run of this franchise. For all its strengths, the Famicom hardware just couldn’t do TwinBee as a series justice. The first level exemplified that. That opening stage in TwinBee 3 is an epic disaster. Somehow it’s both too conservative in terms of appearance, enemy attack patterns and level pacing while also trying way too hard to be quirky and aloof with its enemy design. It’s one of the most awkward failures I’ve seen on the NES. I want to especially single-out the use of colors, because the greens and sky blues make for such a boring shooter. Truly boring, to the point that it’s kind of exhausting right from the start.
And it’s not like TwinBee 3 had done nothing right. From the very start, I recognized that the bombing mechanic was as generous with the aiming and collision boxes as the original coin-op had been. This is also the first of the Famicom games that does damage to each arm instead of one shot costing you the ability to drop bombs. So it’s an upgrade in the sense that you’re getting a more arcade-like experience. But it didn’t help because the opening stage is a slog, and the second stage is only barely better. Good sprite work. No excitement. I was so grateful the game only has five levels. At this point, with the exception of the boss fights, TwinBee 3 felt like a game saturated in flop sweat.
This is actually the fifth and final level, and once again, we’re back to a boring green/blue backdrop, only with even less details to the terrain. What were they thinking? That’s exactly one extra color than just having a blank screen behind you. If that’s what it takes to be able to have detailed enemy sprites, maybe you should rethink your priorities. Honestly, as dull as an all-black background can be, at least it’s not an eyesore. A green-blue checkerboard crosses the line into obnoxiousness.
But then, something weird happened. Well, actually, let me go back just a little bit, because the first and second bosses were very memorable. These could have been Parodius bosses for how wacky they are. BUT, unlike the levels themselves, it doesn’t feel like a lampshade-wearing class clown trying too hard. Okay, maybe the first boss a little bit. I mean, look at it:
Ohhhhhkay. But regardless, the bosses were legitimate highlights. In fact, I’d go as far as calling them elite-level Konami shmup bosses. Well, at least for home consoles of this era. Now, here’s the weird part. After the second boss, the level design started to work for me. Enemies and attack patterns found their teeth, while the personality also started to feel less forced and more inspired. Strangely, the third level feels more like an opening stage to a TwinBee game, right down to the setting.
I remember liking this a lot more than the picture would suggest. Maybe I was just happy to be away from the blue. Sometimes blue makes for a terrible backdrop in 8-bit shmups. Oh, and see how my ship is on fire? If you find the right item under a bomb target, the next bell will be on fire, and catching it gives you a free pass to the boss. In my second play session, I deliberately avoided them. If you’re going to have an item like that, just have it spawn the f*cking boss.
The fourth level was good too before the game cratered with yet another bore of a final level and the weakest of the five bosses. Okay, so maybe the verdict wasn’t that close because TwinBee 3 bores more often than not. But, its highest highs are far more impactful than its lowest lows. I can’t stress enough: the first four bosses are very fun to fight, and they’re cleverly staged, too. The second one is themed like a concert. The third one is a dragon, but instead of fighting it, you’re fighting the plaque on its teeth. No kidding, but it totally works and should make any “top 100 bosses of all-time” list. TwinBee 3, when it hits its stride, is just so oozing with originality and personality that you can’t help but be charmed.
The fourth boss isn’t quite as unique as the second and third bosses, but it’s also a delight to fight. These muddied the waters of my verdict somewhat. So, I focused on the core gameplay to make the decision. TwinBee 3 doesn’t offer a radical upgrade over previous games. It’s so short at only five levels that it feels like an all-vertical expansion pack for Stinger. The boss graphics look fantastic, and some of the enemies sprites are pretty good, but the backgrounds are mostly uninspired. The combat hasn’t advanced at all, either. Besides the generous bomb blast radius, the best thing I can say about TwinBee 3 is it seems to have put more thought into making the three-way valuable instead of a gun to avoid. But it’s just not enough. I also disagree with Dave that the sacrifices made for TwinBee 3’s co-op mode are what wrecked the core gameplay. No, I think this game is so clearly a victim of the limited Famicom technology, even with the legendary VRC4 (the same memory mapper that made Gradius II Famicom possible) that it kind of hurts my heart. TwinBee 3 is far and away the best of the Famicom TwinBees, but I’m very happy to be done with this phase of the series. Verdict: NO!
Gradius III Platform: Arcade Released December, 1989 Directed by Hiroyasu Machiguchi Developed by Konami Sold Separately via Arcade Archives ($7.99) To Be Included in Gradius Origins Wikis: Konami – Gradius – StrategyWiki
Gradius III’s fun pretty much ends right after this boss, with the exception of a couple stellar boss fights.
Well, we’ll always have the arcade Gradius II. The coin-op version of Gradius III gets off to a scorching hot start, but when it wants your game to be over, it really wants it. The arcade game has a variety of ROMs from different regions, but across all ROMs, even on the lowest setting, Gradius III is just punishing to the point that it’s boring. It’s also a game that’s so uniformly affected by slowdown that it’s kind of jaw dropping. In rare instances where I had to not shoot anything and reposition myself on the screen, I would also be startled by the movement speed of all the stuff on screen suddenly moving like any normal game. Now granted, there’s so much slowdown in the seventy-six games in this feature that it’s like I was reviewing games inside the event horizon of a black hole. But Gradius III is certainly among the worst.
At least the Moai level feels fresh, which is more than I can say about this level in Gradius II.
In theory, the slowdown should make the game easier, but Gradius III’s problems aren’t JUST the amount of bullets or enemy attack patterns. I felt that the collision detection wasn’t always predictable or intuitive. When you have sections of the game that look like this:
Notice that my nose is touching it but I’m not dead. The trickier thing to judge is the sides.
Your collision better be absolutely perfect, and Gradius III’s isn’t. The box is certainly not pixel-perfect, and at this point in the existence of the franchise, with large-scale danger elements like the malicious soap bubbles above, you want to be able to intuitively know what’s safe and what isn’t. Some segments are worse than others. During the boss battle of the Moai level, the heads spit out inflatable Moai bullets. In addition, even getting near the statues seemed to cause my ship to explode even when my sprite wasn’t touching them.
You’ll notice I’m dead in this picture.
I’m not going to go too in-depth with Gradius III’s coin-op because it’s universally agreed that the Super NES version is superior. Here’s the thing though: I’m having fun and hopefully you are too with this imaginary 76 game collection of Konami pew-pew-a-thons. But in reality, a Gradius collection that’s literally being marketed as “the definitive” Gradius collection will NOT include that famous and acclaimed SNES port. I have a problem with that. So far in this feature, coin-ops have taken a beating compared to their home console little siblings. I don’t dare to presume that I should speak for every gamer, but I think fans of this genre should be outraged by the illusion of value Konami is presenting. You’re getting “all” the arcade ROMs, but those ROMs are less fun versions of the games.
This might be the most maddening, tedious, frustrating boss I’ve ever fought in a shmup. When it opens itself up to being vulnerable, it also has a very strong vacuum that sucks you into it. You cannot resist the pull and might not be able to get any bullets at all into it. I only won this fight when time ran out and the boss self-destructed. It was NEVER fun either, despite the impressive visuals and memorable theme and design. What a disaster Gradius III turns into.
Eighteen ROMs for seven games. That’s Gradius Origins. But the ROMs that have the highest appeal? Those are missing. Gradius III has a lot of fans, but most of those fans are fans of the Super NES game, even though it cuts a lot of content. But even the deleted content is mostly a plus. The biggest loss, in opinion, is the memorable battle with the dragon on the fire level. Awesome fight, but only the second half of that battle, where it becomes the typical dragon MADE of fire is present in the SNES game. On the other hand, the Moai boss, which was as cheap as cheap gets in the coin-op, is rendered into a typical enjoyable Gradius boss on the SNES. Easily the biggest win in the deleted scenes department is a tedious sequence where you avoid blocks that dart at you unpredictably that might genuinely be the most boring moment of any Gradius game.
This is the dodging section in question. Those giant ice cubes will suddenly change course directly at you, and even after reloading the save state and trying to figure out a pattern, I couldn’t predict every one. I’m sure there’s a method to the madness, but my problem is more about how long this sequence goes. It’s one of those things where it continued so long I started laughing. Not because it was funny, but because someone thought it was a good idea. Then I stopped laughing because it was STILL GOING! It refused to end, to the point that I honestly questioned whether I was playing it wrong and I was supposed to be doing something else. Nope. Just dodge these until the cabinet you’re playing on suffers catastrophic CPU failure.
When the best part of a port is that it deletes sequences from the original, maybe that’s a sign the original is in dire shape. Gradius III has fans, but very few are fans of the coin-op. When I reviewed Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV: Turtles in Time for the SNES, I wasn’t as experienced then as I am now with retro games and was certain it had to be one of the first home ports that was superior to the coin-op, and I got several “what about Gradius III?” replies. And they were all correct!
This is the best aspect of the coin-op that was deleted. It’s really everything you want in a boss fight: a visually striking, challenging, incredibly intense encounter that gives you a sense of accomplishment when it’s over. That last part is especially impressive given the fact that the fight continues with another form. This isn’t in the SNES game, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t include that version, which now that I’ve played it, I can confirm is superior in every way that matters most.
It’s baffling to me that anyone would make a game like coin-op Gradius III even for arcades. If you think of the arcade game as an advertisement for the home game, at first it seems to make a little sense. Players can’t sit and plug quarter after quarter into a machine and expect to beat a game this difficult, but the promise of a home version played on your couch, with unlimited credits and more generous gameplay can be quite enticing. Does it really make, though? In the case of Gradius III, if I had played the coin-op before the SNES game existed, I would’ve had no interest in the home game. I think Gradius III’s packaging in Gradius Origins might be the most damning indictment that Konami doesn’t understand their own catalog anymore. Verdict: NO!
Space Manbow Platform: MSX2 Released December 21, 1989 Developed by Konami Never Released Outside of Japan NO MODERN RELEASE Wikis: Konami – Gradius
My first ever MSX2 review brought the goods in a big way.
Space Manbow is often considered to be either a spin-off or the second game in the Thunder Cross series because it was actually intended to be a port of that coin-op before Konami got cold feet and made an original game. It’s actually got a mechanical fish theme to it, as both your ship and the bosses all resemble various aquatic life. Thankfully, as an MSX2 game, it’s far more advanced, as you can see from the very impressive sprite work. Mechanically, while the scrolling still feels a bit on the jerky side, it’s much improved over all the previous MSX games in this feature in the sense that it feels like you’re moving forward and not loading an entire new screen every split second. It even has a convincing parallax scrolling effect. But, gameplay is king, and Space Manbow is a solid space shooter with mammoth bosses and some damn inspired level design.
Manbow is very impressive looking. Seriously, now I wish the Gradius games had gotten full MSX2 ports.
The gameplay is more of a traditional shmup without the Gradius item bar. Besides speed-ups, missiles, and options, the game only gives you two types of guns via item pick-up. The twist is that you can power-up those guns by collecting energy points. Energy gradually fades out if you don’t keep collecting it, but if you can keep it above eight points, whatever weapon you’re using becomes stronger. I was pretty annoyed by the fact that the energy doesn’t stop draining in the pause in action between the end of a level and the start of a boss fight. The bosses are well staged as they emerge and they’re certainly worthy of an over-the-top introduction, but from a gameplay perspective, it’s dead air that’s actively costing you. Manbow also goes through extended stretches where it doesn’t provide any enemies with the potential to drop the power points. In fairness, once I maxed out, I never dipped under it.
One of the more exciting set pieces has these little machines that draw boxes on the screen, and you have to get out of the box before they finish, or you will die. It’s like reverse Qix! I’m normally not a fan of tight crowding, like you see in mega-ship type levels. But this idea was well thought-out and worked really well. Genuinely exciting.
Okay, so I wish there were more guns, but I’m always going to want that with this genre. Besides, Manbow has a few more twists, my favorite of which is related to the options. In Manbow, you can change which way they’re aiming with the press of a button. What’s really impressive is despite the fact that these are items that you have to pick up, they weren’t afraid to lean heavily into level design optimized for this. Manbow isn’t limited just to left-to-right scrolling, but with the options being able to shoot in four directions, there’s no time to catch your breath during the actual stages. Manbow is easily the most up-tempo of the Konami MSX shmups. There’s also a handful of scrolling-based traps, some of which penalize you for moving too soon, while others penalize you for waiting too long. Like with these spinning blades:
If you enter them too soon, you will die because you can’t see that it’s actually a pair of them, synced in a way where there’s no room to dodge until the screen has scrolled enough. Again, that’s fine, because the important thing is this type of design isn’t overdone. I really can’t say enough good things about Space Manbow. Yea, I wish it gave players more guns, or maybe just more tiers of upgrades for your weapons. But, there’s more than enough great game here to make up for the limited arsenal. The setting and graphics are original enough. The bosses aren’t too spongy. Most important of all is that, for the most part, it has pitch-perfect timing of when to introduce a set-piece.
This is it for MSX games in this feature. I wanted to use this opportunity to thank all the MSX fans out there who have found IGC over the last year. You’ve all been great, and I’m really happy to have found the MSX. I’m not done with it yet. Not by a long shot. I might not have a very big platform here, but I’m going to continue to use my platform to call for a modern GLOBAL celebration of MSX. Come on, Atari! Call Konami! An MSX collection with all the bells & whistles of Atari 50 has “award-winning Gold Master Series release” written all over it. Imagine the behind the scenes stories!
Space Manbow is apparently one of the most sought-after games among MSX fans, with copies regularly fetching hundreds of dollars. I was skeptical, but the more I played it, the more I kept redoing my initial value estimate and eventually coming to the conclusion that Konami could slap on a $9.99 price tag as a solo release, $2 more than any of the Arcade Archives releases in this feature cost, and it’d be worth it. I still favor including Space Manbow in a collection, but Konami, you’re sitting on a goldmine with this one. Believe the hype, folks. This is outstanding! Verdict: YES! – $10 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection And if you care about these things, I still give the slight-slight-slight edge to Gradius 3 for “Best MSX game.”
Well, this was an unexpected result, especially considering that I literally just reviewed this. By the way, this was the last review written for this feature. Or second-to-last since I re-wrote Falsion almost completely.
How to make this Aliens review different from the one I just posted? Well, that was strictly based on a single co-op session with my nephew. This time, I played solo, though I did decide to stick to the same ROM from the previous session since the other ones require you to press a button every time you fire. In this game? That’s asking for your hand to grow sentience and strangle you. Now, what’s especially strange is that I called the co-op experience “empty calories gaming.” I stand by that, but I can’t help but wonder if my nephew and I went into this with the wrong mindset. Neither of us could stay alive during our session and had to constantly press the start button to load another credit. In the review, I estimated it would take $5 in quarters per player on the default setting. Playing solo, I just legitimately beat the game without cheating in under $1. Okay, I bumped the life count up and set it to “EASY” but I still did it.
It really annoyed the hell out of TJ that there were so many non-canon aspects of Aliens, even though he understood that they had to pad this thing out. An action arcade game based on the best parts of the 1986 film that actually lend themselves to a game like this would be about a minute long.
Playing this solo didn’t exactly feel like a totally different experience. If the co-op was mindless fun, the solo game is a more deliberate, slower, less chaotic fun. I was wrong about the enemies having no attack patterns. I think that happened in co-op because enemies got confused targeting us, as if they were so excited to have double the meal that they didn’t know what to do with themselves. And who among us hasn’t been there? Well, when playing single-player, there’s very basic attack formations and patterns that are pretty easy to clock. The same goes for the bosses, only two of which I found to be “problematic.” In addition to the spongy and cheap last boss, there was this thing:
And my problems with it were situational. It turns out the homing missiles are a lousy gun to bring into the fight, because they’re so slow and its vulnerability window so small that I couldn’t get more than a single hit at a time on it. As soon as I lost a life and was left with the default machine gun, the fight ended about thirty seconds later. Honestly, I ended up admiring the level and enemy design a whole lot more this time around. It helps that I was actually able to play around with the weapon drops. I let TJ have the majority of them when we played, and I never really got to use the robot suit. This time, I did, and the game did revert back to “mindless fun” for a couple minutes.
Weirdly, it’s not fun to use the suit at all during the final boss. It just gives it a bigger target to swing for. I recommend just using your machine gun until the airlock opens. You HAVE to get in the suit to beat the game because it follows the movie.
Aliens is one strange cat. This might be the first time that a 90s Konami arcade game is better in solo than in co-op. Which isn’t to say Aliens is bad in co-op. My YES! verdict remains intact. But, it’s just pure mayhem. As a solo game, where it’s you and you alone against the hordes of aliens, this is actually a pretty dang decent white knuckle action game. It’s still not the deepest game by any stretch. But putting forth a good faith effort to beat the game on a single credit was actually quite exhilarating. When I made it past the first level without taking a single hit, I literally paused the game to tell my friends that this feels like the ideal way to play this game. So if you’re playing this in an arcade and someone tries to join you, tell them “get away from here you bitch!” I did a thing there. It’s from Aliens. You get it. Verdict: YES! – $6 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Trigon aka Lightning Fighters Platform: Arcade Released February, 1990 Developed by Konami Sold Separately via Arcade Archives ($7.99) Listing at Konami Wiki
I was told “don’t play this one single player” but what if I don’t have a second player who can stay alive long enough to test the cool stuff? Then what?
There’s a lot of games in this feature that benefit from co-op. Mostly because you can respawn instantly, which turns a lot of games from likely unbeatable to, you know, beatable. Trigon though, is tailored specifically for co-op, and not because there’s a really cool mechanic that requires a second player to work. It’s because a lot of enemies and bosses take so many bullets that I’m not even sure a single person can shoot them enough to authentically defeat them. Trigon is one of those games where, if you take too long fighting a boss, the fight just ends. In this game, they don’t self-destruct like in Gradius, but rather they just sort of drift to the bottom of the screen and you eventually scroll past them. It’s as if you put up such a pitiful fight that it made the act of trying to kill you just too awkward. For my one and only full single player run, I’m pretty sure I only beat four out of the nine big bosses. I’m not counting rematches, either. During the boss rush in stage eight where you replay several previous bosses, I didn’t knock out a single one until the end of the level, when it gave me a new boss to fight.
I don’t even know if it’s possible to time-out against the 8th boss. This time I saved up the max six bombs. I unloaded all six of the f*cking things into it and still had to shoot a few more times to win the battle. I even tried to conserve the bombs, but there were a few situations I’m not sure how it’s even possible to survive. I tried cheating and couldn’t find a way of dodging this boss’s attack.
But it’s not just bosses. There’s big enemies you encounter during the levels that have similar sponginess. For the mid-level big bads, I had to rewind so that I was shooting them the moment they spawned onto the screen. Any deviation from shooting them as soon as they appeared likely meant they wouldn’t die, and this is with full power-ups and a drone that only appears in single player. Against the big bosses? Even with heavy use of rewind and save states, I couldn’t pump enough bullets into them to OUTRIGHT win. Maybe the game knew I had epilepsy and was sparing me since the screen flashes red when you win? Considerate of it, I guess. But really, does anyone want to play a game where you can sit and shoot a thing that much and still not win? The bosses would be exciting if the fights didn’t last as long as they do. Even the bosses I did manage to defeat were boring because the fights keep going long after the excitement wears off. But, this is even true of co-op. Look at this boss:
IT’S SO COOL! A bunch of smaller ships form a bigger robot. It’s an evil Megazord! Neat! But like so many other bosses, there’s no elegant attack pattern to it. Trigon, even on the easy toggles, is sort of a bullet hell, especially in stages that follow this one. The big hook with co-op, the titular “Trigon” itself, is a drone that stays between the players, who have to cooperate to aim it. You can see it in the pictures above, shooting the big blue bullets. It’s actually really fun to use, depending on which of the four guns you get. Well, except one problem: if one player dies, the Trigon is lost. What would have been interesting is to make it a permanent perk of co-op. Instead, it’s an item you pick-up, and they were pretty stingy with distributing it. I’ve been playing tons of shoot ’em ups, but nobody around me has. They couldn’t stay alive unless I cheated.
The bombs are fun. The Trigon item is fun. Nothing else is fun.
That’s the catch-22 with teamwork-based co-ops: if both players aren’t equally as good, you probably won’t be able to have all that much fun with the co-op mechanics. I didn’t even get to finish Trigon co-op because neither my father nor TJ wanted to sit and play a game where they had to continuously mash the fire button. There’s only two basic gun upgrades. Only one of them has autofire and neither of them are fun, novel, or imaginative. I offered to turn autofire on by the emulator, but they declined, and I know why: because they wanted to be done with Trigon. That’s because Trigon is very, very boring without that drone, which again, they don’t give you nearly enough AND IT’S LITERALLY THE NAME OF THE GAME! I didn’t even get to try all the Trigon weapons. There’s four. They were like “peace out” before I even found out what the third was. That meant I had to gut it out in single player.
There’s no way my father or TJ could have survived this stuff anyway. This is with the dip switches set to the easiest setting, mind you. By the way, in the US version called Lightning Fighters, there’s no Trigon in single player. In Japan, you can get one that auto-targets and effectively clears out weak enemies. But me and the Trigon giving bosses everything we had still wasn’t enough five out of nine battles.
Of all the games in this feature, Trigon is the game I had to cheat the most to see what the ending looked like. No other game is close, in fact. For most other games, I’ve reached the point where, if I jack-up the life count, I can actually do pretty good when I try to win legitimately. I could never do that in Trigon. In single player, when you die, you’re reset back to a checkpoint. YEESH! It’s not even worth the effort, either. Trigon is so difficult and enemies are so spongy that it’s just exhausting more than it’s actually entertaining. Sure, it’s awesome that one of the bombs is a dragon that curls around the enemies, but the game is kind of stingy with bombs, too. Plus, the settings, basic enemies, and guns are uninspired and dull. I think the reason the evil Megazord stood out was because it felt like the first imaginative thing that happened. Well, besides the Trigon itself, which should have just been automatic when two players were on. I think I would have given this a YES! had that been the case. It’s not like it was so powerful that we just shredded everything, either. It wasn’t THAT powerful. When you have it, the co-op is genuinely original enough to be fun. But Trigon: The Game really doesn’t want you to have Trigon: The Item. Or fun, it would seem. Verdict: NO!
Nemesis aka Gradius Platform: Game Boy*, Game Boy Color† Released February 23, 1990 Designed by Naoki Matsui Developed by Konami NO MODERN RELEASE Wikis: Konami – Gradius
*Super Game Boy version included in Konami GB Collection Vol. 1 (Exclusive to Japan) †Game Boy Color version included in Konami GB Collection Vol. 1 (Exclusive to Europe)
Man, Konami got every possible early Game Boy title right. Well, except Castlevania. Read my two-in-one review of Castlevania Adventure and Operation C.
Don’t mistake Nemesis as a Game Boy port of Gradius. Only the first level feels like a close adaptation of previous games. Even then, it’s a fairly tame version that only replicates the Volcano set piece and the typically expected Moai stage. The other levels are completely fresh, in feel if not in intent. Nemesis offers everything you would expect from Gradius in terms of items, basic enemy designs, and level design. But right from the start, Nemesis offers big changes. You can turn on auto-fire before beginning the game and you can skip to any level you want. I’m not sure why anyone would bother skipping levels, since the whole game takes maybe twenty minutes to beat. Maybe. You certainly won’t need to skip for the challenge. Nemesis may be the easiest Konami shmup ever.
All credit where it’s due to Konami, because Nemesis looks fantastic and I smiled joyously whenever I saw the new boss designs. They’re HUGE, but the graphics are so rich and detailed, especially on the Game Boy. There’s Super Game Boy and Game Boy Color variants. For God’s sake, don’t play them. The graphics were clearly made for the black & white screen and, much like Operation C, the choice of colors for the Konami GB Collection re-release distract from the experience instead of adding to it. It’s always gaudy looking, especially the eye sore backgrounds. Take a look below. One of them looks like a genuinely intimidating boss encounter that’s actually pretty frightening to behold. One looks kind of close to it but not as cool. The other looks like a lesser NES game. (The Japanese versions of Konami GB Collection Vol. 1 – 4 are not GBC, but rather Super Game Boy-enhanced.)
Game Boy
Super Game Boy
Game Boy Color
But do yourself a BIG favor and play the standard version. In black & white, it earns the title “Nemesis” with its graphics. That specific version, ultimately a tiny little slice of portable Gradius, is actually pretty dang good. Even with spotty collision detection, which is probably the biggest knock on the game. I died a couple times and had to rewind to see what got me, but it’s never a deal breaker because you should have plenty of dodging room. Plus, once I had the shields, I cruised through the game like I have with no other Gradius game before it. The only part that came close to being “hard” was a few timing-based traps in the final level that involve gigantic moving barriers.
Look at those graphics. What a truly gorgeous game.
Actually, I liked Nemesis even more than Operation C, making this the best Game Boy title I’ve played so far. I suspected it would lose that title before this feature was done, and I was wrong, though the sequel does tie it. To be clear, Nemesis is NOT going to provide thrills at all to those who seek a challenge. Even with the difficulty buffed up, which you have the option to do, this game is a cinch. The shields, especially, are some of the most effective in the franchise. I don’t actually seek a challenge from these games. I want epic sci-fi settings, the occasional set piece, and enjoyable boss fights. For twenty minutes, Nemesis mostly delivers the goods, and also provides one of the best looking Game Boy titles. Seriously, the graphics are so good, in a way you don’t expect from this platform. Konami was better at this than Nintendo, at least when the Game Boy first came out. I still wish it was longer, but if a game leaves you wanting more, that’s usually a very good sign. Verdict: YES! – $5 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Parodius Da! Shinwa kara Owarai e aka Parodius: From Myth to Laughter Platform: Arcade Released April 25, 1990 Developed by Konami NO MODERN RELEASE Wikis: Konami – Gradius
This thing is basically the meme culture before memes were a thing.
Let’s get this part out of the way first: the whole “parody of Gradius” thing isn’t that difficult to pull off. The spaceships and bosses in Gradius or Life Force could be drawn as literally anything and the game would be the same, and they just so happened to draw them as spaceships. If Konami had wanted it to be a biplane or a submarine, they could have done that. Taking that premise a step further, a different developer might have very well just made this as a boilerplate Gradius-style space shooter AND THEN put a code in the game that unlocks “silly mode” that is, more or less, the game being reviewed here.
One of the tropes of shmups I never loved is the gigantic ship/tight squeeze segment, and I think Parodius has an especially weak one. It’s not that tense, developers! There’s no choice for the player. There’s one safe zone, and it’s so tight that there’s no action in it.
Is it that hard to imagine? Parodius, in many ways, feels like it’s just an excuse to squeeze more out of the Konami formula without flooding the market with games called “Gradius” or “Salamander.” All I really care about is that there’s extra games with that engine. I love the engine of Gradius and Life Force. I love how the items work. I love the load-out options. I like that they do exciting, tense set-pieces. With so much to love, it’s a safe bet I’ll still love them even if they replace the typical walking robot with a showgirl. Even the music is basically the same. Look at the Crab from Gradius II and Chichibinta Rika, aka the showgirl from Parodius. The only difference really is when it happens. The showgirl shows up very early, while the Crab is the final set piece before the last boss.
The Crab (Gradius II)
Chichibinta Rika (Parodius Da!)
And if that’s setting alarm bells that some of the humor won’t land if you’re not a Gradius megafan, well, you’re right. In fact, a lot of Parodius relies heavily on a player knowing not just Gradius but the Konami brand as a whole. But, don’t let the parody aspect cloud your expectations. Parodius is a really fun shmup. It’s certainly not perfect, as the fun of the solo experience doesn’t last the full length of the game. Parodius shows its arcade nature with BRUTAL difficulty, at least on the NORMAL tab. It’s safe to say that Parodius eventually becomes a bit of a bullet hell in the late stages, and that’s fine. I tried swapping to the EASY dip switch to see if I could feel the difference, and I think it was marginally noticeable in the early stages with the amount of bullets and the bosses. But, if I’m not mistaken, that still vanishes by the last third of the game, which was the part that I needed toggled relief from anyway.
Like this part? Maybe it’s because I picked the octopus and it’s more optimized for this section (it’s basically the Life Force/Salamander load-out) but this was much easier on the EASY toggle than on NORMAL.
Although the level themes are delightful and having every major Konami load-out (Gradius/Salamander/Gradius II/TwinBee) adds a lot of replay value, I still don’t recommend playing the arcade version solo. If you’re by yourself, stick to the home ports, which tone back the bullet count significantly. I did attempt a few solo games of Parodius for this feature, and as far as the arcade game goes, the fun as both a shmup and a novelty game doesn’t last. The problem is that, when playing by yourself, you don’t respawn immediately when you die. You’re taken backward to whatever was the last checkpoint you reached. In later stages, especially one specific segment, this is a brutal punishment.
This is the part in question, which is a direct parody of an equally maddening segment from the original Gradius. Those umbrellas (which are based on the Kasa-obake ghost of Japanese legend) flood the screen. This screen doesn’t give you a good idea of how brutal it gets.
As a co-op experience, Parodius really is just another Gradius/Salamander game, which is fine. Those are awesome, and Parodius is more of the same. However, I think it’s a little too close at times, with several bosses and set-pieces being direct reskins of Konami shmup staples with no surprises. Even the last boss is just the brain from Gradius reskinned as an octopus that plays identically, more or less, to the Gradius original. As fun as Parodius is, it doesn’t quite stand on its own. Parodius Da! is an all-star game. A highlight reel. A clip show. The best thing I can say about it is that they really did seem to take the best parts from previous games for reskinning. I’m guessing that’s why a port of Da! will score the highest value of any Parodius game later on in this feature, even after the technology gets better. If you’ve never played Parodius, expect a lot of awesome action and fun sprites. Don’t expect much in the way of new gameplay. And if it seems like I’ve left anything out, hey, I have five more versions of this to play, some of which are better than the coin-op, and I need to have stuff to discuss for them, too. Verdict: YES! – $5 in Value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
TwinBee Da! aka Pop’n TwinBee Platform: Game Boy*, Game Boy Color† Released October 12, 1990 Developed by Konami Never Released in North America NO MODERN RELEASE Wikis: Konami – TwinBee
*Super Game Boy version included in Konami GB Collection Vol. 2 (Exclusive to Japan) †Game Boy Color version included in Konami GB Collection Vol. 3 (Exclusive to Europe) That’s not a typo. Konami GB Collection Vol. 2 – 4 are ordered differently in Europe.
Game Boy
Super Game Boy
Game Boy Color
Well, congratulations are in order because TwinBee’s losing streak in this feature is over. TwinBee Da! isn’t amazing or anything. It’s a perfectly fine bland shmup that’s elevated by incredible graphics and smooth shooting. It’s certainly a lot harder than the Game Boy version of Gradius was. There’s a lot more bullets flying at you, and because of the smaller playfield, the bells are a lot harder to juggle and transform into power-ups. But, “harder than Nemesis” leaves a lot of room for interpretation, because like most other Konami Game Boy games, TwinBee is still pretty easy compared to other versions. The odds are never overwhelming thanks to the limitations of the Game Boy. Hell, you wouldn’t know there are limitations just going off these graphics. I really think this is the best looking TwinBee game yet. Black & White looks great on it, doesn’t it?
It might be harder than Nemesis, but it’s certainly not as good. This might be the most memorable boss in the game, but all the bosses feel kind of samey.
Not only do most of the bosses feel mundane and predictable, but the game ends on an extended boss rush that didn’t do anything for me at all, which is unusual for Konami shoot ’em ups. In Gradius, the boss rush sequence is usually the highlight of the game, but TwinBee Da’s designs are too limited to effectively pull it off. Hell, even the last boss doesn’t feel THAT different, only bigger. Thus, this becomes the rarest of Konami shoot ’em ups: a shoot ’em up where the levels outshine the bosses. This can be owed largely to the effective balance of gun and bomb targets. The bomb auto-targeting system is really well done, giving you a lot of wiggle room that you absolutely need with the compact screen. Again, is it amazing? No, but it’s not boring for most of the twenty-five minutes it lasts. I just wish it had stuck the landing a little better. If only this were remade. For, say, the PSP. One can only dream. Verdict: YES! – $2 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Parodius Da! aka Parodius: From Myth to Laughter Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System Released November 30, 1990 Developed by Konami Never Released in North America NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED Wikis: Konami – Gradius
This is actually the entrance to a hidden level, but at first, I couldn’t get through it. Finding the door is the easy part. I remember blowing this hole open in my initial playthrough. But when I actually went for the hidden stages, I tried and failed to get through it probably around twenty times. It turns out, you have to shoot it open well before the scrolling reaches it, which is tough with characters like TwinBee. Not in love with that design.
Parodius is a bit glitchy. There were a few “WTF” moments during my initial playthrough, but I didn’t think much of them until I did one last check during my final edit of this feature. I replayed most of the games during one final “sweep” and for Parodius NES, I did something that caused enemies who entered a certain part of the screen to spontaneously combust, and it even kept bouncing a bell. It lasted pretty deep into the start of the stage before going away. It also vanished if I died. (Shrug) It’s certainly not commonplace, as I only know for certain it happened twice when I did five or six full play-throughs, with a couple other parts I wish I had rewound to examine further. Still, nothing like this happened in any other game, so these moments stood out. While making my final check of Parodius, I also realized that it’s still damn good looking for an NES game. That’s even considering how much they had to scale back for the Famicom.
Arcade
Famicom/NES
But, those amazing graphics come with a hefty cost. In addition to constant flicker, Parodius suffers from slowdown on a scale I’ve not previously experienced in this feature. I thought Gradius II on the Famicom was hard-up, but it was nothing compared to this. When you get a full fleet of options, Parodius genuinely feels like the game could crash at any moment. It’s absolutely not to the game’s benefit, either. The famous showgirl sequence? On the Famicom/NES, it lasts a whopping THREE-AND-A-HALF MINUTES! If that was three-and-a-half minutes of non-stop action, that would be one thing. But it only makes three roundtrip passes the entire time, meaning six total times you have to time your movement to dodge the limbs. Even if you trimmed a pass, this would have lasted over two minutes. That’s insane for a shoot ’em up set-piece! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!
No hesitation that this is the worst part of Parodius on the NES was, and maybe the single most boring section of any game in this entire feature. This version of the indestructible avoider has no excitement because it drags on forever. It went so long that I wondered if they had changed it up from the coin-op and there was something I was supposed to be shooting. The crab in the Famicom Gradius II was like that. Only, this isn’t like the crab. This was mind-numbingly intolerable and an all-time low point for the entire genre. A genuinely braindead moment that should be scaled-back by 75% at least.
The good news is, I overall liked the NES build of Parodius, which dumps the worst level of the coin-op (the graveyard, sorry fans) and adds a carnival-themed stage. It’s certainly not a perfect build. In addition to the self-inflicted visual problems that I must do for my photosensitivity (I have to play in a well-lit room, which causes some visibility issues), the game is just generally very flickery, especially if you’re playing well. I had to remind myself constantly as I played this that this is one of the most remarkable technical achievements on the entire Nintendo Entertainment System. It uses the legendary Konami VRC4, the same memory mapper used in the Famicom port of Gradius II, though it seems somehow less obvious in this game. If there isn’t some graphical anomaly happening on screen, you must be having a bad game.
The Moai ship is equally slow and tedious. Unlike the iconic showgirl, I really think this level should have been deleted entirely for the Famicom. I get that it’s one of the famous highlights of the coin-op (I disagree but whatever) but common sense says the Famicom can’t do it justice. Well, maybe not. The only good part of Wai Wai World 2 was a version of the gigantic ship trope, and that was done really well. Apparently it CAN be done, which is actually a damning indictment on this specific build. Maybe a ROM hacker should cut that sequence out of Wai Wai 2 and paste it over the Moai ship.
For all the problems with flicker and speed, Parodius on the NES is pretty dang decent. It’s certainly not as difficult as the coin-op, even on HARD. I think there’s a small chance if I really focused enough, I could ace the game, or at the very least, finish it without a game over. If you lose a life, you’re reset to a checkpoint, BUT, you’ll quickly get your loadout back because the game drops a ton of roulette power-ups. If your timing is true, you should be able to quickly get back to the level of speed, firepower, and options you had when you died in under a minute. It helps a ton that there’s a lot less bullets flying around than in the coin-op. Sometimes hardware limitations work for the player, and Parodius NES is the proof.
There’s some exclusive bosses to the NES version, too. Like this duck that looks like one of Scrooge McDuck’s nephews trying to cosplay as Mega Man. His name is Woon Botton, which made me giggle.
The game is shorter than the coin-op, but the stages that are omitted really are no major loss. To make up for the smaller experience, they’ve added a whole new level, the amusement park, which is a very strong level with many memorable segments. Oh, and it also include a hidden path that takes you into a very, very short version of the deleted graveyard scene.
Sadly, the hidden graveyard is the only one of the four hidden stages that contains its own unique boss fight, which is a small twist on the original female ghost. It’s barely even a real twist, since it starts as a smoke cloud and then plays kind of the same, only the model is different. Still, it’s a nice little bonus. So are the other three hidden stages, for that matter. Even cooler is, completing them allows you to switch to one of the other three characters, something I wish other games in the series would have utilized in order to beef-up the strategy.
Entrance to the hidden graveyard.
The rest of the game is every bit as solid as the NES ports of Gradius and Life Force, except for the sheer amount of slowdown. Remarkably, if you play on one of the higher difficulties, Parodius still manages to be a fairly up-tempo game. Well, besides that one low-stakes segment with showgirl and the ever present problem with the gigantic Moai ship, which really only has one good version of it to speak of (it’s the PlayStation version). I wouldn’t mind seeing the reworked Famicom levels and exclusive bosses included in a modern remake. With no slowdown, they’d probably turn out pretty amazing.
Here’s the last NES-exclusive boss: a Moai viking ship. It’s actually a sub-boss that takes place before the robo-duck I showed you above. Like the showgirl, it’s an indestructible avoider, only it actually fits the amusement park theme. Its attack pattern is directly modeled after the famous pirate ship flat ride, in that it just sways back and forth several times. On HARD difficulty, it’s a genuinely intense encounter because the basic enemies that fly onto the screen shoot at you. I thought this worked pretty dang good as a set-piece, and my only knock is putting it right before the stage’s boss. This should have been a mid-stage segment.
The bosses are, of course, the highlights of the game. Despite being smaller, they’re almost as fun to do battle with as their arcade counterparts. So, while this is nowhere near as good as Gradius II on the NES, Parodius is a solid 8-bit shoot ’em up. I guess I sort of get why they didn’t bring this out in America (which doesn’t explain why it got an EU release) but it’s a damn shame it didn’t get a full global release. While I don’t think it’s amazing or anything thanks to the inevitable ravages of age and that heartbreaking slowdown, I think it’s a safe bet that Parodius would still be fondly remembered as one of the all-time greats on the NES. Verdict: YES! – $4 in value added to Ultimate Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Gradius III Platform: Super Nintendo Entertainment System Released December 21, 1990 Directed by Hiroyasu Machiguchi Developed by Konami NO MODERN RELEASE Wikis: Konami – Gradius – Strategy
The SNES version of Gradius III has a lot of hidden bonus stage-type rooms. But, if you find them, you don’t fight the bosses and skip directly to the next stage. That’s like winning a trip to Disneyland only to find out you’re not allowed to get on any rides.
Jeez, I thought the coin-op Gradius III had a lot of slowdown, but Gradius III on the SNES takes the cake. I mean, it takes it very slowly. If you have all four options and a full loadout, I’d conservatively guesstimate 90% of the game suffers from slowdown. It led to multiple frustrating deaths, too. I’d be fighting a boss and blow them up while dodging an active bullet only to have the CPU wake from its coma. This caused me to steer straight into the bullet because my movement, which I was basing around the practically omnipresent slowdown, suddenly wasn’t affected by slowdown. This kept happening, too. I figured I should get that out of the way first because, other than those moments of hair-pulling bullsh*t, I had a lot of fun with Gradius III on the SNES.
Both the coin-op and the SNES game offer you to customize your loadout, like so. I had a lot of fun experimenting with different arrangements. Good stuff. No notes. Wish more games in the franchise allowed it.
Despite the leap to 16-bit platforms, the same type of changes made to the 8-bit home versions of Gradius coin-ops still apply to Gradius III on the SNES. The enemy count and bullet count have been dramatically shrunk, which in turn dramatically shrinks the difficulty. Segments and boss battles that couldn’t be done within the limits of launch-window Super Famicom have also been removed or altered. So a fight that looked like this in arcades:
Now looks like this on the Super Nintendo:
For all intents and purposes, it’s a totally different boss, with a different strategy and cadence. It’s addition by subtraction, for sure, including the stages that were cut. Oddly enough, the third person sequence from the coin-op that you would swear was made for the SNES’ Mode 7 effect is missing entirely. Missing, but not missed, along with every other sluggish part of the arcade game. However, the new content is not entirely welcome either. The cube dodging sequence is gone. Awesome. There’s a terrible speed zone sequence. Not awesome. The Shadow Gear boss (left in the below screens) that I hated in the coin-op is gone. Awesome. The replacement (on the right) is a poor substitute AND you have to fight two of them back-to-back. Not awesome.
Shadow Gear (Arcade)
Shadow Gear MK II (SNES)
Every step forward Gradius III’s home port makes over the coin-op is also typically accompanied by a smaller step backwards. Thankfully, that means Gradius III on the SNES still ends up well ahead of the coin-op. It even has plenty of replay value. While the bonus rooms do nothing for me, mostly because my favorite part of these games is fighting bosses, people who want replay value will have those to look for. The collision seems better. Gradius III on the SNES is a typical solid home version of a Gradius game. I don’t think I loved it quite as much as others did. I certainly don’t think this is a “legendary” game. It’s fine. There’s a sense of “been there, done that” that I assume is there because Konami’s goal was simply to buff the audio-visual experience, and mission accomplished. A better looking version of one of the NES Gradius games is hardly a bad thing, but this wasn’t the creative leap I was hoping for. Either way, the exclusion of this version of Gradius III from Gradius Origins is a crime against gaming. Verdict: YES! – $6 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Thunder Cross II Platform: Arcade Released in 1991 Developed by Konami Sold Separately via Arcade Archives ($7.99) Wikis: Konami – Gradius
I’m about to say a LOT of mean things about this game, so here’s something cheerful and positive: this is the best version of the famous Gradius set piece known as the Electric Cage I’ve played so far. Of course, like all bosses in Thunder Cross II, the battle goes on too long because they increased the hit points for bosses across the board.
The sequel to Thunder Cross is little more than a seven stage expansion pack to the good version of the original game. One that was made mostly of ideas deleted on the drawing board because they weren’t good enough for the original game. No split decision needed this time. There’s no American ROM that removes all the best parts in favor of flavorless space warfare. The gameplay centered around the four options returns. You still have the ability to spread the options out or close them in, exactly as before. The badass guns, including the boomerang, return, along with the special guns used by the options. Also returning are the ultra-generic settings and bosses, only this time, the bosses are way more spongy AND they’re seemingly designed around trying to keep the fight going until the time runs out and you win by default.
This is the first boss, which died of boredom before I could kill it. See, it has a small hit box and arms that constantly shield it. Who the hell wants to actually WIN boss fights anyway? Players want tedious, sluggish-paced fights that are won by forfeit, right?
Even the mini-bosses are a complete f*cking slog. A lot of Thunder Cross II’s problems are tied to co-op, but the sponginess of the bosses isn’t really all that affected by it since only X amount of shots can actually land thanks to the bosses blinking. I tested this theory and determined that co-op maybe shaved a second or two at most off the bosses, though granted, my partners kept dying during them because, you know, they haven’t spent the last two months playing shoot ’em ups as much as me. But like, look at this boss:
This is NOT a big boss. It’s the second level’s mid-stage boss.
This thing just sits there and sucks up your bullets like they’re nothing. Well, it’s a two-piece boss, since each individual half is its own sprite that needs to be destroyed, but come on. It’s a MID-STAGE BOSS, and without hyperbole it can absorb more bullets from a full load-out than the overwhelming majority of final bosses from other games in this feature. Consequently, I wouldn’t really describe most of the bosses or even mid-bosses as being truly “fun” to battle against. Many of them become reduced to repetitive, mindless grinds.
This thing doesn’t actually move all that much. Once you blow up the gun, it awkwardly floats forward a little bit, then remains stationary while its tail pokes at you. It’s laughable.
There is one thing that didn’t make the journey to the sequel. Go figure it would be my favorite super weapon, the flamethrower. Oh, there’s still an “F” weapon, only now, instead of streams of fire being shot by each option like in the original Thunder Cross, you just shoot big fireball-like bullets that aren’t anywhere near as satisfying as the cutting flames of the first game. In fact, they don’t really feel that different from the gigantic laser beams now. They kind of behave the same way, and with that, the sense of uniqueness is gone. Goddamnit, Konami. I swear your developers could f*ck up an order for a glass of room temperature water.
So that sucks, and then Thunder Cross II further goes out of its way to make the special guns less desirable to pick up. I died more than once from barriers because the special guns simply couldn’t shoot fast enough to punch through them before I crashed. These are the “co-op or die” parts that Thunder Cross II leans heavily into. If you’re playing co-op, you should get through them easily. If you’re flying solo though? There’s no way of knowing if you’re coming up on a barrier that you can only make it through if you’re able to spam the normal weapons. Like this part:
These pipes are an example of everything wrong with Thunder Cross II, because if you power-up the drones, unless you make literally the perfect choices with perfect timing, you won’t get through them.
A lot of this seems to be another byproduct of Thunder Force II being optimized for co-op. Now, to the game’s credit, there’s a few boss designs that are SLIGHTLY more memorable this time around. This even includes fighting a giant robot gecko at one point. And by the way, for all my whining, we’re still talking about a sequel to one of the best arcade shmups I’ve played. Thunder Cross II is still capable of being a lot of fun between the boss battles. Most everything that had me dazzled about the first game returns, even if it feels like they nerfed the weapons. I still don’t think Thunder Cross II is anywhere near as good as the original. Again, today this would be a low-rated DLC pack, which is why I’m awarding it less than half the value of the first game. But, you don’t have to be a shmup superfan to have fun. That’s all I really care about. Bad DLC to a great game is usually still okay, right? Verdict: YES! – $5 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Detana!! TwinBee Bells & Whistles Platform: Arcade Released February, 1991 Directed by Masato Ohsawa Developed by Konami Sold Separately on Arcade Archives ($7.99) Read the Original Indie Gamer Chick Review Wikis: Konami – TwinBee
Before I get to the review, I have to pass along the most heartbreaking trivia of this entire feature. The director of Detana!! TwinBee, Masato Ohsawa, passed away on January 2, 1991, just a month before the release of his game. According to MobyGames, this was his only directing credit. The only other game he’s verified to have worked on is the coin-op version of Jackal/Top Gunner. Detana!! TwinBee is an excellent game and should have been a breakthrough for him that led to a legendary career. What a tragic loss for gaming. So, everyone please take a moment and lift your most handy beverage in a toast! 🍺 To Masato Ohsawa: a gifted creator of games taken far too soon. Thank you for a truly fun video game that I’ve enjoyed thoroughly for five years now! You have not been forgotten! Cheers to you, Masato! 🍻
Hey, I promised you that TwinBee reviews would become glowing, didn’t I? The above shots are an example of Detana!! Twinbee at its most clever. A boss that you have to shoot the paddles to rotate its base around to expose its vulnerable spot. Okay, so that boss is probably the high point of the game, but I was so charmed that my socks landed two counties over. I don’t know if my opinion has changed all that much from my original 2020 review of Bells & Whistles. My #1 issue five years ago was bullet visibility. Now that I’m much, much more familiar with the genre thanks to working on a feature devoted almost entirely to shmups for the last couple months, yeah, the problem is actually worse than I realized before. It’s not even just enemy bullets, either. The enemies themselves, especially ground targets, get lost in the fog of war.
Detana!! TwinBee
Bells & Whistles
By the way, the left screen is Detana!! TwinBee and the right from Bells & Whistles. It matters, because Bells & Whistles is a one-button game that maps bullets and bombs to a single button. At first, I thought I preferred that, until I realized that constantly dropping bombs whether there are bomb targets actively on the screen or not made the visibility problem even worse. I even tried playing with a CRT filter over the screen, which does help for some games but it did nothing for this one.
When playing in co-op, if one player bumps the other from behind, it shoots these five HUGE projectiles. If anyone else in my house was even average at shmups, I think this would have been so powerful as to nearly entirely cheese the game. Except, nobody in my family wanted to do this because it totally looks like the ships are, well, humping each other. I assume this was deliberate.
The visual loudness is not a nothingburger issue and it significantly muffles the potential of Detana!! TwinBee. This could have been a Gradius II-like contender and instead I had to play it multiple times just to figure out what the value would be. How do I quantify the value of a game where the biggest problem, by far, is that it’s often hard to tell what’s going on? Oh, and if you think THIS is bad, try playing in co-op, especially in Bells & Whistles. Holy smokes. The targeting system of the bombs isn’t perfect, either. Despite scattering several of them, sometimes they felt like they hit everything BUT the one thing I needed to kill.
In this battle against the final boss, I assure you that I’m being shot at right now. I know, it’s hard to tell.
Detana!! TwinBee is still a YES! without question. The enemy attack patterns and boss fights are, simply put, awesome. The settings, despite the massive drawback that comes with them, are among the best facades created for a shmup of this era. The quirky personality never feels forced, either, something the NES games struggled to pull off. But the niggling little annoyances keep its potential constantly in check. Like the uncanny timing of the clouds that contain the bells, almost always synced with enemy attack waves that the bells will inevitably interfere with. The giant ship boss is a little on the tedious side, and I couldn’t see what was going on at all with the final boss pictured above.
Oddly enough, I never found myself saying “I wish this had more guns” like I had with previous TwinBee games, even though this doesn’t really add much in the way of new guns. It has a second ship and a big charge shot. I guess that’s good enough.
Don’t mistake my whining about visibility as a deal breaker. I just played three full games of Detana!! TwinBee, a game I’ve already reviewed once at IGC. I never got bored, and I’ll be playing a couple more rounds when I begin reviewing the PC Engine port, which was the only console port this entry in the TwinBee series ever got before the compilation era. I’m not dreading it at all, either! I’m looking forward to it! That’s because the base arcade game is fantastic. I don’t know what the solution to the loud visuals could be. Visibility problems seem like the price you have to pay for having backgrounds that feel both cartoonish but also vibrant and alive. My TwinBee running gag of “wait, when did I lose an arm?” has never been more in effect as it was playing this, the second arcade TwinBee. But, I still had a ton of fun, and that’s all I’ve ever cared about. Verdict: YES! – $8 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Parodius Da! Shinwa kara Owarai e Platform: PC Engine Released February 21, 1991 Developed by Konami Never Released Outside of Japan NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED Wikis: Konami – Gradius
I think I was making a face like that when I experienced the slowdown when the music switched over.
Oh dear. I played Parodius on the PC Engine after playing Gradius, Salamander, and Gradius II. When I say that PC Engine fans will be very happy with the final results of Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection, trust me, I mean it. But Parodius is a terrible start for one big reason: the game skips when new music gets loaded. Now, if they had timed that right, no problem. Gradius II does the same thing when you switch stages. But Parodius does it while the bullets are flying. This caused me to die a few times, especially late in the game when the pre-stage enemies really become prevalent. It just throws your timing completely off. Who wants to play a shmup that does that, especially when there’s better options for the same game?
This is the bonus stage that can be selected off the main menu. The SNES version has the same thing, only its version is much more fun.
And it’s not like the occasional lock-up in the middle of the action is the only problem. This is the only PC Engine-based game in this entire feature that had levels deleted from the coin-op. Two whole levels, in fact, including the famous Moai Battleship. Sometimes removing stages is a positive, if you make up for it. I’m not even a fan of the stage or the gigantic ship trope in general, but I’m also deeply in the minority on that. Besides, even the NES and Game Boy versions had it! As if to rub it in, miniature versions of the Moai ship appear in the “bonus game” that was added. A high score challenge that apparently has three hidden bosses if you can score high enough. Even cheating I couldn’t get a single one of these hidden bosses to appear. I even tried again once I finished this feature and the best I could do was the graveyard’s boss. I hate that this is the first PC Engine game in this feature, because Parodius on it just isn’t a good effort, especially compared to the other four games that are coming up. Verdict: NO! And by the way, this is the only version of Parodius Da! to get a NO! Ouch.
Parodius aka Parodius Da! Platform: Game Boy*, Game Boy Color† Released April 5, 1991 Developed by Konami Never Released in North America NO MODERN RELEASE Wikis: Konami – Gradius
*Super Game Boy version included in Konami GB Collection Vol. 4 (Exclusive to Japan) †Game Boy Color version included in Konami GB Collection Vol. 2 (Exclusive to Europe)
Game Boy
Super Game Boy
Game Boy Color
Unlike the TwinBee Da! and the two Gradius/Nemesis games on Game Boy, Parodius is a direct port of the coin-op. I’m not sure what to think about that decision, either. On one hand, holy smokes, what a remarkable achievement that the final product is indeed a close approximation of the arcade game. At eight levels long, Parodius is the longest of the four Game Boy titles in this feature, and by quite a bit. If you go by the average total play time, it’s double the length of the others. The two deleted levels are not missed, and the third stage is heavily altered in the Game Boy version, functionally making it a new stage that can make a case for being the best in the entire game. They also censored this version less than the NES game. The sumo wrestlers’ butts show. The showgirl isn’t dressed more conservatively. This is a PORT in all caps, and if I had to venture a guess, I’d guess this is probably the most true-to-the-arcades port in the entire library of the black & white Game Boy. It’s absolutely mind-blowing what they accomplished here.
The new third level feels like it was meant for Nemesis. It doesn’t feel satirical in nature, and even the boss is a direct remake of the famous Golem boss from Salamander that isn’t tongue-in-cheek. I’m not complaining, mind you. This stage was excellent.
On the other hand, this is the rare high quality game that was still destined to age poorly. Well, actually hold on, because that isn’t putting it right. Game Boy Parodius plays splendidly and I’m giving it a YES! without even needing to think twice about it. If you go off the raw gameplay, this should comfortably be the #1-ranked Game Boy title in this feature. It’s certainly more fair than the coin-op as well. Like the other four Game Boy titles, it’s borderline too easy on the default settings. But I also concede that, if Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection were to really happen, there’s not a lot of reasons to play this over the other games. “Aged poorly” is a bad way of saying it. What I meant is “rendered almost entirely obsolete.” If not for the new version of level three, literally everything in Parodius would be a downgrade over other versions of Parodius offered in Konami Shoot ‘Em Up.
Despite amazing graphics, remarkably true-to-arcades level design, bosses, and gameplay, much of the charm is unquestionably lost in Parodius. Parodius should be a colorful game, but obviously that wasn’t going to happen. Unlike the two Nemesis games, Parodius doesn’t benefit from the black & white graphics because it’s not trying to feel foreboding. It’s trying to be funny, so while it still has a lot of personality, everything comes back to “there’s better options.” If they had used the formula to make a Young Frankenstein-like black & white satire, it might have aged better.
This wall mini-boss in the Pachinko level is exclusive to the GB build. I feel like such a sh*theel for not enjoying this more. There’s a part of me that’s so happy for Game Boy owners of the early 90s that such a genuinely quality coin-op port. And heartbroken for American Game Boy owners, who were, yet again, hosed by the lack of Parodius releases in our part of the woods.
At the time this came out, Parodius certainly had to be a contender for best overall Game Boy title. It’s that well made, but it’s not 1991 anymore and you’re likely not stuck with only a Game Boy. Now, had this been 1991, I’d give victory to the Game Boy version of Parodius over its NES counterpart. It loses less, has a better tempo, and a LOT less slowdown. But in 2025? As fun as Parodius on the Game Boy is, its only real value is as a companion piece for better ports. It’s a shame that such a well-made game is now reduced to only a historic curio, but sometimes, that’s just how these things work out. Verdict: YES! – $4 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Gradius: The Interstellar Assault Nemesis II: The Return of the Hero Platform: Game Boy*, Game Boy Color† Released August 9, 1991 Developed by Konami Included with Switch Online Subscription (Basic) Wikis: Konami – Gradius
*Super Game Boy version included in Konami GB Collection Vol. 3 (Exclusive to Japan) †Game Boy Color version included in Konami GB Collection Vol. 4 (Exclusive to Europe) I didn’t play the Game Boy Color version. It was so ugly it hurt my eyes.
Game Boy
Super Game Boy
Game Boy Color
Huh. I just realized this will be the final 8-bit Gradius game I do for this feature. Oh, not the last you’ll read, but I didn’t play games in order. I’m having an emotional moment over here. What a fantastic experience this whole thing has been for me. And the second Game Boy Gradius is actually a worthy follow-up to the first game. Okay, so the level design isn’t quite as uniformly solid and there’s a few slow going moments. But the best levels in Interstellar Assault easily surpass the best levels in the original. The above screenshots are all taken from the coolest opening segment in the entire series up to this point: a high speed chase with a Big Core on your tail. That’s not a boss. THAT’S THE ACTUAL START OF THE GAME! There’s a lot of boldness squeezed into these five levels.
Somehow the graphics are even better this time around, too.
The gameplay is, more or less, the same as the previous GB Gradius. There’s loadout options at the start this time around to choose how you want your missiles to work, and sometimes the stages are bigger than the screen itself. It also doesn’t try to copy as much from previous games. There’s not even a Moai stage, which is pretty unusual by itself. The most important thing is the bosses are genuine highlights and some of the best in the entire franchise. Thank goodness for it too, because a couple of the levels gave me the vibe that they had run out of ideas. The last level especially, before an excellent final boss sequence, is kind of lame for the grand finale.
The f’n Big Core in this one has f’n volcanoes growing out of it! That’s objectively badass!
With the final stage, I’m going to assume the designers put all their chips on the table into the final boss. That’s because there’s a memorable chase sequence that takes place after that battle that sort of serves as the real final boss. So, the game begins with you being chased and ends with you being the chaser. Love it. Smart. It certainly makes this game stand out more than it would given its small stature. Interstellar Assault feels like the first game that leans deeply into immersion via telling a story. A story NOT limited to just text or the opening and closing credits. But it does it so well I kind of wish they’d done more that type of thing up to this point. So, Gradius II GB isn’t as consistent as the previous game, but it’s still fantastic for what it is. I can’t really pick one of the two Game Boy Gradius games over the other. They’re short, at about twenty minutes a pop, and they’re much tamer than most Gradius games. Interstellar Assault has adjustable difficulty, and veterans might want to beef it up, but all fans ought to check them both out. Verdict: YES! $5 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Collection
Crisis Force Platform: Famicom Released August 27, 1991 Developed by Konami Never Released Outside of Japan NO MODERN RELEASE Listing on Konami Wiki
This is the good stuff.
One of the more legendary Famicom exclusives, though it wasn’t supposed to have that status. Konami planned a global release of Crisis Force, but by time it finished production, the SNES had been globally released and “high tech” for the NES wasn’t “high tech” anymore. The shame is, this would have made a fantastic swan song for the Nintendo Entertainment System. A sprite-pushing, intense, and often clever shoot ’em up with a ship that can transform into three (really four) different forms. Okay, so the basic enemies and a few of the bosses are slightly generic, but the action never lets up.
When the enemies aren’t generic, they POP on the screen. One of the best looking 8-bit home console games.
Unique to Konami shmups, you don’t have one-hit deaths in Crisis Force. Well, as long as you’ve upgraded your gun. Gun gems alternate between blue and red. The blue gems are more traditional shmup guns that fire bullets and I’m not sure why it’s even an option. In my first play-through, I honestly thought the blue gems were a challenge element to be avoided, because the gun capsules with a red gem in the center give you these huge lasers. From there, you can change the shape of your ship on the fly to shoot three different ways, and you’ll need it. They tailored many enemies and bosses to linger near the bottom of the screen, requiring you to swap over to a gun that shoots sideways or behind you.
Even though there were options to shoot behind me, I usually opted to shoot sideways because it was easier to line-up and I could get more rounds off without having to dodge out of the way. I even used this strategy for the last boss too.
The other big twist is that if you collect five red items, you transform into a mega ship that is essentially invincible and has massive firepower. This ship works on a fast-moving 99 second countdown and taking damage while using it subtracts the time you have. I actually reached the point where I didn’t like using this. It was exciting the first time I got it, but it became less fun as the game went along, especially since it’s harder to dodge things and you can’t change shape or use bombs while in the form. They could have removed this entirely and lost nothing.
The bullets you fire with this thing are huge, but so is your sprite, and there’s a lot of tight squeezes in Crisis Force.
Crisis Force isn’t perfect. There’s a LOT of flicker and slowdown and some of the stages feel samey. Some of the bosses don’t feel like epic encounters, which I wouldn’t complain about if not for the fact that there’s some jaw-dropping boss fights with imaginative sprite work, like seen here:
So when the boss is simply three volcanoes to cap off a stage where you’ve already flown over several identical volcanoes followed by a relatively small Aztec-like rock, it kind of takes the joy out of it, you know? Or even having the final level feature a whopping six mini-bosses before you fight the final boss (seen on the right in the above pair of pics)? That’s the seventh level in the game. Wouldn’t it have been wiser to distribute those mini-bosses across the entire game? I’m guessing they were going for a Gradius-like boss rush, only one that has small buffers between each mini-boss. Except the designs for those mini-bosses are largely weak, as is the theme for the level. It makes Crisis Force’s finale come close to being a bit of a slog.
Oh, it’s not a deal breaker by any means. Up to this point, Crisis Force had near-perfect pacing and enjoyable level design. I really think Konami made an error in judgment by choosing to release something like Contra Force or Monster in my Pocket over this. The excuse of “well, the SNES was out” holds no water unless they felt Crisis Force only had value as a technological showpiece. What a terrible decision, because Crisis Force is a very good video game. I get that it would have been riskier due to requiring specialized chips, but Konami was still supporting the NES and it feels like they left a lot on the table by not rolling the dice on this or Gradius II. I don’t get the choices they made at all. Do you think NES owners in 1994 would really have more fun with Ninja Turtles Tournament Fighter than they would with Crisis Force? It doesn’t even make sense from a business standpoint. US gamers get hosed yet again. Verdict: YES! – $6 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Xexex aka Orius Platform: Arcade Released October, 1991 Directed by Toshiaki Takatori Developed by Konami Sold Separately via Arcade Archives ($7.99) Listing at Konami Wiki
This gun, like many guns, is not in the international versions. Japan only.
Another split decision coming your way, because there’s massive regional differences. Like with Thunder Cross, the international versions strip out so much content that I feel I have to do the Japanese version first. Both games have identical level themes and some of the most imaginative enemy designs and bosses in shmups. Xexex/Orius is clearly meant to be Konami’s answer to R-Type. Both versions give players “The Flint” which is like a shield that you can separate from your ship, similar to R-Type. It’s ALWAYS there in some form. If you scroll off the screen, it’ll return to you even if it has to pass through walls to do it. It can absorb every single form of an enemy bullet and even be used as a battering ram. It’s a lot of fun. But how it behaves when you launch it, along with Xexex/Orius’ variety of guns and boss attack patterns changes depending on which ROM you’re using, and the difference is a lot more complicated than Thunder Cross to say the least.
SPLIT DECISION – JAPANESE VERSION
Downright criminal this was never ported to the SNES or Genesis.
Before I drool all over the Japanese version of Xexex, let me get the one maddening negative out of the way first: a relatively small segment in the final stage that made me have to think a lot harder about whether or not this was among the top games in this feature. It’s the typical compactor section, only taken to an extreme I’ve not seen before. A VERY tight squeeze and small safe zones, the final one of which even resorts to using a bit of trickery to fool you because the screen is scrolling one way while the contraption is moving another. Unlike the international builds of Xexex/Orius, you do not instantly respawn in the Japanese build. If you have a lot of speed-ups, this is practically impossible because you can’t hope to move accurately enough, even feathering the D-pad/control stick. I died twice without any boosts at all. This is literally the last thing you do before the final boss, and it’s just dirty pool. If the final boss hadn’t been relatively easy, I might have penalized it a lot more.
Now, with that said, holy mother of God, why does nobody talk about this as one of the greatest shmups of all time? It’s WONDERFUL! Actually, I get why. Like Thunder Cross, the best version of Xexex took a long, long time to get an ideal American release. The Japanese version includes a massive variety of guns, including one of the coolest weapons I’ve ever seen in a game like this. It’s called the Shadow Gun, and if you sit still while you shoot it, it kind of seems like an ordinary Gradius-style laser. Whoopee doo. BUT, if you move around while you shoot it? Well, you might want to watch this because I don’t think I can do it justice. Oh, and the video shows what a fully-powered charge shot looks like no matter what gun you use.
The first time I saw that gun, I started giggling because it was so awesome. It’s VERY satisfying to use and easily my favorite gun in the game. But, unlike a lot of shmups, some bosses are clearly tailored to work better with some guns than others. Against a boss that also features a giant hologram that blocks your shots, I struggled when I used the Shadow Laser but later did much better when I used a weapon called the Search Laser. In fact, I found so many situational uses for the guns that I wish you had an inventory instead of only getting to have one gun at a time. There’s too many good weapons to be limited to whatever your latest pick-up is.
Nobody can accuse Xexex of being too generic. (“I can’t believe you didn’t make a Zordon joke, Cathy.” Me neither.)
No matter which gun you use, the Flint (the shield attached to your ship) can be detached for major damage depending on how many tentacles it has. It can have three at a time. Now, in the Japanese version, the Flint can be detached two ways. Just pressing the detach button will release it right in front of you. Or, you can hold the attack button down to charge up your power blast, then press the detach button to launch it across the screen. It’s an effective option for some bosses, and for others, I honestly can’t imagine any other way to beat them except via the Flint. Like these things:
You can actually see the one on the left has the Flint stuck in its vulnerable part (aim for the brains!). I could not possibly shoot these things enough to kill them any other way. They’re clearly designed specifically to be defeated by the flint. Thankfully, it’s so satisfying. Every element about Xexex is, frankly. There’s never a dull moment. Every boss is an event. There’s a section that feels like baby’s first bullet hell that I enjoyed a lot even if the enemies are shaped.. ahem.. suggestively. It’s also not as difficult as you would think for a game that has NO dip switch settings. I couldn’t stay alive at all in the US version thanks to the lack of guns and lack of flexibility with the flint. In the Japanese version, I didn’t even need to cheat to warm-up to it and eventually beat the game without cheating at all.
Golly, that three-tentacle charge shot never got old.
When I started this feature, this was NOT one of the games on my radar. Hell, it wasn’t even on the initial list of 40 to 50 games that I started with even after I added the first wave of non-Gradius/Parodius/Salamander games. Needless to say, I’m very happy that I decided to just go for broke and do every Konami shmup from before the Xbox/Game/PS2 era I could find, because Xexex stands very tall. I strongly doubt I’ve played any game that was screwed historically to the degree this one was. I really struggled to figure out what’s missing. I guess set-pieces, but that can so quickly devolve into gimmickiness that I’m happy they “played it safe” with straightforward level design seasoned with large and detailed enemy sprites and some genuinely imaginative facades. I don’t know if Xexex is the best shmup ever. I really liked Gradius Gaiden, coming up later. But this is the best arcade shmup I’ve reviewed so far and maybe the most underrated game ever made. Verdict: YES! – $15 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection but this review is not over.
And then there’s the US version. Oof.
SPLIT DECISION – US/EU/WORLD VERSIONS
Very subtle, fellas. By the way, in the international versions, the “baby’s first bullet hell” section is just a straight-up bullet hell. Enemies can spawn behind you or above you and begin spreading bullets in a way you can’t really defend against. In Japan, there’s ways to deal with them regardless. There’s no heat seeking bullets in the international versions and the flint is ALWAYS shot across the screen.
In the international versions, you don’t have lives. You have a lifebar that drains very, very quickly. On the plus side, checkpoints are replaced by instant respawns and no limit to how many times you can continue. I’d say “you’re hosed when you lose your gun” but gun drops are generous. The problem is there’s only one gun, a spreader, that is gradually upgraded to include more bullets and a wider range. There’s also Gradius-like missiles that mostly did nothing. In Japan, even the crappiest gun pick-ups do more damage than any non-Japanese version’s fully-upgraded standard gun, forcing you to hold the fire button down and rely solely on the charge shot. Why not use the Flint, you ask? You can, especially against bosses. I took down over half of them by detaching the Flint in a way that caused it to ping the boss to death. But, in the middle of a level, with bullets and enemies all around you? It’s not that simple.
The bosses mostly play differently too. Like in Japan, you fight one satellite here. It’s two in all other versions, one of which can basically only be hit with the charge shot since its vulnerable spot never faces you. Bosses also had their sponginess increased for the non-Japanese games. Battles I could win in 30 to 45 seconds in Japan could take me several minutes in the US. It’s a total slog.
You can’t do a charge shot without having the Flint attached to your ship. This matters a great deal. In the international versions, the standard gun is so useless that I was caught by surprise when it actually caused a killing shot. I stopped using it after a certain point. In Japan, I could take down basically everything from basic enemies to bosses with the guns. Since the Flint has to be shot across the screen in the international versions, you can’t use it as a shield while you attack enemies with your gun. A gun that, as a reminder, is next to worthless even when fully-juiced. That means the risk/reward factors associated with how you use the Flint in Japan are gone ENTIRELY from the US version. On top of all this, they beefed up the sponge and heavily altered attack patterns. I couldn’t even cheat to survive several situations.
There’s multiple instances that feel like they’re built specifically to knock a player’s health out come hell or high water to force them to drop another quarter in. The Flint can ram enemies from the front, but unlike the Japanese ROM, there’s not a lot of options for what’s behind you.
So here we are, with yet another Japanese masterpiece ruined for no good reason. Like with Thunder Cross, all these changes were likely implemented to appease arcade operators by making a much more difficult game. In a sense, I get that. I can legitimately beat the Japanese game without emulator-based shenanigans. I can’t say that about a lot of coin-ops. But, if someone of MY skill level can do that, without all that much practice at this specific game? That means a player without a lot of money can spend a lot of time on it. It might make for an amazing game in 2025, but it doesn’t make a ton of business sense in 1991 for a machine trying to earn a quarter per play. But surely there’s a better way than stripping most of the fun out of it. What hurts the most is, unlike Thunder Cross, this completely wrecked Xexex, now known as Orius, is still pretty close to being okay. It’s not boring, that’s for sure. It’s just too brutal to be fun. A reminder that Konami’s business motto for the world outside of Japan seems to have been “fun, but never before profit.” Verdict: NO!
Gradius Platform: PC Engine Released November 15, 1991 Developed by Konami NO MODERN RELEASE* Wikis: Konami – Gradius – Strategy
*Included in TurboGrafx-16 Mini. In the TG16/PCE Minis, hold SELECT while GRADIUS is highlighted on the main menu to unlock the “arcade” version. This review covers only the standard retail build.
This is much closer in feel to Gradius III’s desert than MSX’s boneyard.
Gradius for the PC Engine is the final version of the original game in this feature. It’s late to the party, but at least it has some added value to make it worth it. Ignore what the Gradius Wiki says about this being the skeleton level from the MSX game. The theme might be similar, but it looks and plays completely different and is yet another welcome addition. Another thing the Gradius Wiki got wrong is saying this is an otherwise identical game to the coin-op. I disagree. I feel the difficulty is slightly toned down, leaving it within the acceptable parameters.
It’s a REALLY cool stage.
For example, I had a much easier time surviving the volcanoes in the TG-16 build than the coin-op. They’re noticeably easier, but not as completely nerfed as the NES versions. Also, because of issues related to scaling of the coin-op graphics and sprites, the stages are wider. Like, you literally need to vertically scroll. Is that what’s happening here? I just double checked the coin-op directly against the PC Engine version. Here’s what it looks like. The screen in the middle is from the coin-op, while the screens on the left and right are taken in the same position on the first level, only higher and lower on the playfield.
Gradius (PC Engine) High
Gradius (Arcade)
Gradius (PC Engine) Low
Oh! I see it! It’s the score! It’s actually down under the item bar instead of being laid over the top of the playfield. Except, the scrolling temporarily stops during the volcano/Big Core fight. So, let’s compare those!
Arcade
PC Engine
What a strange development decision. Well, the good news is, it actually makes this version feel different, and perception is reality. It’s not as good as it could be. The biggest problem in the game, by far, is that there’s NO option menu. By this point in gaming, not having options to increase or decrease the difficulty is obviously not a good thing. I thought this was a well-balanced game, but I’m not good at these games. I imagine someone who is might be annoyed that they have to do a full game cycle to bump the difficulty up. This is probably too easy for seasoned veterans.
Since this is the final version of the original Gradius, I figure I’ll take this space to say how lame I think the whole “the final boss doesn’t fight back” trope of Gradius/Parodius is. I get it! I get it! Everything you’ve fought through leading up to it is the line of defense by the enemy forces, who are protecting the brain, so it DID fight back, which is what the whole game has been. F*ck that noise. It’s the last boss of a video game. Besides, you really don’t think they’d have a ton of guns aimed at the door of it, instead of just in front of it?
Otherwise, *I* think this is a better version of the coin-op with a really fun new level that makes for an excellent way to say goodbye to the original Gradius. The home ports in general made me feel better about that NO! I assigned to the coin-op. Konami, if you’re reading this, you have to right this wrong with Gradius Origins, before it’s too late. The people are going to want these ports. They’re good ports worthy of both playtime and study. The most tragic thing of all is what an unfathomable longshot including the PC Engine ports in a modern console collection is. It shouldn’t be. This was the console that went toe-to-toe with Sega in their prime and won, and even held industry leadership over Nintendo, albeit very briefly. The TurboGrafx-16 is a historic footnote, but its Japanese counterpart is not. From my experience, PC Engine fans are right up there with any of the best gaming fanbases. Non-toxic, loyal, and dedicated. Let’s do the right thing here, Konami. Verdict: YES! – $5 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Salamander Platform: PC Engine Released December 6, 1991 Developed by Konami NO MODERN RELEASE* Wikis: Konami – Gradius – Strategy
*Included in TurboGrafx-16 Mini. In the TG16/PCE Minis, hold SELECT while SALAMANDER is highlighted on the main menu to unlock the “arcade” version. This review covers only the standard retail build.
Warning to people with photosensitivity: you might want to avoid the PC Engine build of Salamander.
Look, that dragon is also a question mark!
Keep in mind that this is a port of SALAMANDER and not Life Force, and boy, does it scoot along fast. The speed of movement for enemies and the background was increased, possibly to make up for having fewer enemies and targets flying around. It’s not smoke and mirrors, either. You feel it. I have to admit, after playing the coin-op and finding out the PC Engine build used the same item system and included no new stages, I didn’t think I’d be giving this a YES! There were changes, though. The guns and missiles can now be upgraded twice for a higher fire rate. A couple of the bosses play differently, including the final boss gaining the ability to huff, puff, and blow your options away or even disintegrate them completely. Finally, you no longer instantly respawn upon dying in single player. If you need a reminder why that’s a big deal:
Yep. Die during this segment and you get to start it all over. Thankfully, the start-over point is the start of the escape sequence instead of having to fight the final boss all over again. I also think the game gives you a little more cushion in terms of the movement speed of the barriers. I only needed two attempts to escape.
I have no clue what possessed this change. What makes it especially frustrating is there’s adjustable difficulty. Why not have the instant respawn taken away for the hard mode but leave it as it’s supposed to be for easy difficulty? I don’t get it. By the way, in the coin-op, if you die, there’s a window where you can catch your options before they scroll off screen. In the PC Engine port, they kept the animation for the options beginning to drift away, but not the “respawn with a chance to catch them” part. You dicks. I’m pretty mad about it because Salamander was cruising to an easy YES!, but these changes muddied the waters pretty badly and turned my final verdict into a closer call than it needed to be.
Unlike the coin op, these balls don’t linger on screen. Now it’s an enjoyable boss fight.
When in doubt, I always ask myself “did I have more fun than not?” In those terms, recommending Salamander for the PC Engine is a no-brainer. It’s a big improvement over the less fair coin-op, and with none of the technical problems that plagued the NES game to boot. I will never love the item system of Salamander. Even after multiple sessions, I can’t really tell the items apart. I don’t think the theme was a rousing success at all. I also think they must have buffed the boss hit points because it took me forever to kill the dragon during the fire level. I’m also not sure why it took them so long to bring these games to the PC Engine. The PC Engine came out in October, 1987, and by time it did, Gradius and Life Force had already been released for the Famicom in Japan. What took over four years? In the case of Salamander, it doesn’t even add any new content. It’s fine, but worth the wait? Probably not, especially for a game that was always overrated to begin with. Verdict: YES! – $2 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Detana!! TwinBee Platform: PC Engine Released February 28, 1992 Directed by Masato Osawa Developed by Konami NO MODERN RELEASE Wikis: Konami – TwinBee
You know, in screenshots this doesn’t look like it solves the visibility problem, but trust me, it did in a big way.
Getting the negative out of the way first, the PC Engine port of Detana!! TwinBee is missing the entire sixth level. That’s a big downer and there’s no getting around it, especially since the sixth level was pretty strong in the coin-op. Maybe I’m spoiled because both Gradius and Gradius II on the PC Engine, which I played before I played this, added levels. Really good levels, at that. The pace is certainly slower, as well. Maybe it’s an illusion because the screen is stretched out, but levels feel longer than in the coin-op. The visuals also take a slight hit, though that might not be a bad thing. Now for the good news: in many ways, the PC Engine version of Detana!! TwinBee is superior to the coin op.
This boss didn’t open himself up to attack as quickly as he did in the coin-op. I had to wait quite a while before I had an open shot for his final form.
The most obvious difference is visibility problems that plagued the coin-op are mostly improved. I only struggled to see enemies and bullets in the fifth level and the battle against the final boss. That’s a big upgrade. As expected, the enemy counter is lowered, along with the projectiles. For what it’s worth, I think when you pump up the difficulty (or play the second cycle after beating the game), Datana!! TwinBee on PC Engine is harder than its Gradius or Parodius counterparts, and right from the start, too. I’m also happy to report they didn’t simplify the more ambitious bosses. The giant ship that you have to fly around twice in the coin op plays the same here, as does the boss that you have to rotate the paddles on its head to open up.
While you still have one PC Engine review to go (the best one, in fact), Datana!! TwinBee was the fifth and final PC Engine game I played for this feature. I think that Konami’s shmup presence on the platform was nothing short of phenomenal. It’s a punch in the gut that it’s unlikely for Konami to ever do the right thing and put these games in collections. Especially a collection like the one I’ve imagined in this feature. In the 80s and early 90s, home versions of coin-ops, even with all the sacrifices they had to make to the audio/visual experience, were often better. I ultimately can’t go THAT far with Datana!! TwinBee because it’s missing a pretty good level. Had that been there, I might have given the slight edge to the PCE build over the coin-op. I penalized Parodius Da! for missing a stage and fair is fair. But this is obviously a much stronger game than Parodius, even with the lost content. It’s not QUITE as good as the arcade version, but it’s pretty close and worthy of inclusion in a set that celebrates what Konami accomplished in this genre. Verdict: YES! – $5 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
I’m still cautiously optimistic that G.I. Joe will get some form of a home release.
I’ve already reviewed G.I. Joe, but I wanted to briefly revisit it. Partially because I was curious if this started development as a sequel to Devastators, but that game has a lot more going for it than G.I. Joe and I abandoned those thoughts quickly. I still stand by everything I said in my February, 2023 review, so this time, I want to talk about the co-op AND what kids of the 2020s would say about it. Playing G.I. Joe with two players can be a frustrating experience. Items often land too close together, and since there’s only three (health, rapid fire, and missiles), having one player scoop up both rapid fires is annoying. This is compounded by the fact that one single shot from any enemy causes you to lose the rapid fire. G.I. Joe is an unrepentant button masher that has one gun, and one only. The need to constantly mash the fire button was so physically painful, even for the kids, that I had to activate autofire, even if it negated the point of rapid fire. Once I did that, yea, the game is better co-op than solo. Like, no duh, right?
The game is so visually loud that it almost always caught me by surprise when I died.
While the kids, ages 9 to 14, all kinda enjoyed it (none of them loved it), they were baffled that a game that looks as good as this does has NO variety to it. None at all. No mini-guns. No laser guns. Nothing but the basic weapon and the ability to stop mashing buttons for maybe as short as a single second. No jumping. No diving out of the way of big enemy attacks. There really isn’t even much in the way of a defensive game because the bullets are so poorly drawn that you can’t really see what’s killing you. G.I. Joe’s claim to fame is the gameplay degrades into unbridled chaos with no finesse and no variety, and it’s actually a miracle that what’s here is still an okay game. It is fun, but even the kids understood why this was never ported to the SNES or Genesis. It’s too shallow. I don’t even think the normal $7.99 Arcade Archives price would be worth it. G.I. Joe is video game junk food, and like junk food, you’ll regret it afterwards, especially when your hands cramp like they’ve never cramped before. Verdict: YES! – $4 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection.
Parodius Da! Shinwa kara Owarai he aka Parodius: Non-Sense Fantasy Platform: Super Nintendo Entertainment System Released July 3, 1992 Developed by Konami Never Released in North America NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED* Wikis: Konami – Gradius
*Technically re-released in 1997 in Japan via the Nintendo Power flash cartridge system.
For the SNES version, the screens with the Octopus were played on a “2” out of 7 in difficulty. The screens with Twinbee ship are 4 out of 7 and the screenshots with Gradius ship are the max 7 out of 7 difficulty.
Had Parodius for the SNES gotten a US release, I have no doubt it would be remembered today as one of the greatest games ever made. But it wasn’t. Imagine that it’s 1994 and someone at Konami says “we need one more game for our release schedule and we still haven’t released that ultra fun, ultra quirky Parodius game in North American. But.. nah, let’s license Biker Mice From Mars instead!” Yeah, yeah, there would have been some controversy over the showgirl. I wonder if Nintendo told Konami “not in the United States, because Sega might cite it against us in congressional hearings.” Of course, they repainted her for the Famicom version, so why couldn’t they for the US version? Change it from a showgirl to a gorilla. I mean, why not?
Anything can be a dil(censored) if you’re brave enough! “Cathy NOOOOOOOOO!”
Parodius on the SNES has a whopping seven adjustable difficulty settings. I played full sessions of three of them, and I’ll say that you can feel the difference, at least between “2” “4” and “7” levels. Mind you, “7” isn’t an automatic trip to the second loop. It’s hard, but not so hard I couldn’t beat it without cheating. Curiosity got the better of me, so I decided to really put the difficulty settings through the wringer by playing the bonus “Omake/Lollipop” stage. By the way, while it has the same scoring-rush rules, it’s a very different stage from the PC Engine version and I ultimately think the SNES Omake is better. I played it seven times with 9 lives, each round with the penguin, upping the difficulty each time. It was a fun exercise because the incremental difficulty was very noticeable from higher enemy counts or enemies firing more bullets. I’d say they nailed the balance perfectly. Of course, for the bonus stage you’ll want to play on level 7 because it gives you more scoring opportunities.
My best game of Lollipop, at least with the penguin.
Because of the flexible difficulty, the SNES port is clearly superior to the otherwise nearly identical coin-op version. Whether or not it’s the best version depends on how you feel about the PlayStation build. On the SNES, no levels are deleted, and actually, one stage unique to the SNES was added. Sadly, unlike a lot of previous examples of new stages, the “public bath” level is a major disappointment. I think part of that is the placement in the level order. Despite feeling like a very early stage in terms of layout and challenges, the public bath is placed as the second-to-last level in the game. I think if it had been the second or third overall level, it would have felt a lot better. But putting such a low-frills stage as the penultimate stage was a structural misfire. Plus, it ends on a spongy, boring boss fight that feels too similar to the “Pig Tide” boss (the sumo guy) from the fourth level.
And I wasn’t totally sold on the collision detection being perfect, especially for the large scale bosses. Never a deal breaker or even close, but there were multiple moments that made me go “hmmm.” The showgirl and the giant puffer fish especially. For the PlayStation build, only the quills of the puffer fish I felt were a bit sketchy on the collision. The SNES also doesn’t quite nail the pacing that the PlayStation does. The speed doesn’t pick-up in the Pachinko level, for example, and it’s missing some minor and ultimately insignificant animation sprites and theme special effects.
From here out, the many, many versions of Parodius still left to review pretty much all offer the option to disable the ultra-annoying roulette. It’s sort of a monkey’s paw thing, because if you turn it off, you can’t recover quickly from death. The roulette really sucks if you have a full load-out that includes the shield, since your only options are a speed-up, the double gun (a downgrade) and the whammy that takes away everything. This is a game with so many tight squeezes that I didn’t want more than two speed-ups.
So, while Parodius on the SNES is excellent and it’s a crying shame it didn’t come out in America, there is one slightly better version of it. If you could only choose between the PSX and SNES versions, it would really come down to how much do you want that score rush mode. PSX doesn’t have it. For me, it’s a fun extra, but the main course is why I’m here. Make no mistake, however: you’ll have a great time playing Parodius on the SNES. Verdict: YES! – $8 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Axelay Platform: Super Nintendo Entertainment System Released September 11, 1992 Designed by Noritoshi Kodama Developed by Konami NO MODERN RELEASE Wikis: Konami – Strategy
Holy cow. I don’t know what I expected, but I wasn’t expecting my mouth to hurt from smiling so much.
Like most games in this feature, I’d never played Axelay before. I’m not sure why that’s the case with Axelay, either. I’ve had it recommended to me a bunch of times from gamers of all stripes, who always note that the team who made it all left shortly after finishing it to found legendary development house Treasure. Despite all those requests, it never was really on my radar until I did this feature. I think that’s probably because I only recently realized that shmups are one of the genres I most consistently enjoy. That’s why I’m doing this feature, where I was told that a YES! verdict for Axelay was guaranteed. Oh really? Guaranteed, huh? Fourteen years of doing this and nobody has ever guaranteed me I would like a game. And guess what? They were totally wrong.
Nah, I’m just kidding. This game is pretty good. Mostly.
The vertical scrolling stages feature the best use of the famous Mode 7 effect I’ve seen. It’s almost got an almost holographic quality that makes it feel like you’re really hallucinating a game. I think this is what they were hoping Super Castlevania IV‘s special effects would be like. By the way, a lot of the CV4 crew worked on this. You can tell, for better and for worse.
From a technical point of view, three levels of Axelay are jaw-dropping visually. It’s astonishing to me that anyone thinks a game like Star Fox on the SNES was some kind of masterpiece visually. I wasn’t around for the debut of Star Fox, but by the time I was playing retro games, I thought it was ugly. Most games that feel like they’re based around cutting edge graphics don’t seem to age well. Of course there’s exceptions to that, but I would never bet on such a game. Well, if I had bet against Axelay, I would have lost. It uses Mode 7 for levels 1, 3, and 5 to hypnotic effect. I literally can’t imagine ever wanting to play a game that looks like this:
When I can instead play a game that looks like this:
The Mode 7 stuff is certainly not perfect. The distorted perspective makes tight turns especially tough to judge safe distance. As a result, I died as much from crashing into walls as I did from enemies. Especially at the end of level one right before you fight the first boss. This is the point when the game felt less like a shmup and more like Super Mario Kart, only with much tighter turns. It wasn’t until my second playthrough that I understood what they were going for. In that one, I wasn’t braining myself to death on the walls, but I was gnashing my teeth the entire time because it felt close. As exciting as it was as it was happening, I’m also not entirely sure how I survived it when it looked and felt like I was as close to the walls as I was the first time I played.
That’s not to say the enemies aren’t affected by the strange Mode 7 stuff, either, because the curvature and way they enter the playfield makes judging the most immediate threat unintuitive. But, going against a player’s intuition is sort of Axelay’s thing even in side-scrolling levels. There’s a lot of instances where it’s not instinctively clear that you can safely pass through something. This became REALLY apparent during the first boss fight of the first “2D” level. It’s an ED-209 clone that likes to pin you up against the wall, to the point there’s no wiggle room.
Except, even though it’s not colored differently and there’s no real indication this is even possible, there’s parts of the robot’s leg that you can safely fly past.
What parts? I dunno. Sometimes when I tried it, it worked, and sometimes I blew up. Safe:
Not safe:
Also not safe:
Safe:
It seems to have to do with both whether the foot is moving or not, but also whether the other foot gets you, even though the other foot is darkly shaded, which implies it’s in the background. But I’m flying IN FRONT of the left foot, so why is that other foot even able to get me? Shouldn’t it be well away from me? Also, the circular joint seems to not be safe. You know what? I’m sure there’s a logic to this that made complete sense to the developers. But, they didn’t really prepare the players to know this stuff intuitively, and I don’t think the graphics do a good job of letting players know that depth is part of this fight. There’s no real point where you pass through a similarly-colored thing or a structure in the level. I know this game has fans, and actually I did overall enjoy it. But, this part here was REALLY badly done. “Or you could fly above it.” I suppose.
It often feels like Super Metroid if Super Metroid were a shmup.
The weird thing is, nothing like that happens again, and overall that ED-209 fight was awesome. I don’t know what happened. Given that nearly everyone who made Axelay bolted Konami shortly after this, maybe they were distracted? Or maybe Konami didn’t have a lot of faith in Axelay? It’s a short game at only six levels. Besides the trio of Mode 7 stages, the big hook is there’s no item pick-ups at all. Instead, you swap between three different “arms” that each have a different style of gun or missile. You swap between them with the shoulder buttons and acquire one new potential weapon after each stage. That sounds great, except after a few playthroughs, I came to the conclusion that the most enjoyable three weapons were the ones you start the game with.
What a joy this is, and a heartbreaker as well.
The gun that I really liked was actually a pair of guns that, when you first activate them, shoot behind you. But as you hold the button down, the guns pan to your sides before ultimately shooting in front of you. When you let go of the button, the guns travel back behind you before ceasing fire. They specifically tailored several attack formations for this gun, and it’s awesome. The upgraded guns have nothing that satisfying. I was consistently disappointed whenever I tried a new gun. Every single one of them lacks a nice BANG, which is so damn baffling because the starting three have that punchiness to them in spades. There are few games I’ve played that I like as much as Axelay where it’s also obvious that something clearly went horribly wrong along the way. It’s a game that pretty much consistently is very fun, and also one that never feels like it reaches its fullest potential.
Like this. This is the last upgrade you get, and it’s so boring.
I might be in the minority of this, but I wish the whole game had been the “3D” vertical scrolling stages. I’d rather have had five of those and no 2D levels than the three of one type and three of the other that we got. Even with the double-sprinkler-head gun, I’ve played a lot of stuff like the 2D levels. The 3D levels felt fresh, original, and never failed to be exciting. There’s just not enough of them. I have faith that the team that came up with those three levels, then immediately created one of the greatest studios in gaming, could have done at least two more stages like that. Axelay just never quite feels like a finished product. It feels like a very highly polished proof of concept for a more ambitious game that never happened. If you beat the game twice on hard, it teases a sequel that never came. But really, the whole game is a tease. Verdict: YES! – $6 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Gradius II: Gofer no Yabou Platform: PC Engine Super CD-ROM² Released December 18, 1992 Developed by Konami NO MODERN RELEASE* Wikis: Konami – Gradius – Strategy
*Included in the TurboGrafx-16 Mini.
For what it’s worth, even though I think the Moai stage feels too much like the original Gradius, something about the Super CD-ROM² version of it worked better for me.
Man, I’m happy we got the Super CD-ROM² emulation working right. Gradius II on the PC Engine Super CD-ROM² was probably the #1 game on the absolutely stacked TurboGrafx-16/PC Engine Mini. Yes, even ahead of Castlevania: Rondo of Blood. One of these days, I’ll go through my collection of Minis and rank the games in them, and when I do, I’m starting with the TG-16 Mini, even though I’m pretty sure the winner is a lock. This build of Gradius II is the best home version of the best arcade Gradius and one of the greatest video games ever made. Yep, I’ll go that far. It plays faster than the coin-op but comes with none of the technical issues of the NES game, at least on the default settings. If you boot up right away, the difficulty is far more balanced. If the default setting doesn’t offer enough bite, there’s also adjustable difficulty that I’ll get to shortly. Oh, and it throws in an extra level, and like most extra levels in these home ports, it’s one of the best levels.
It looks familiar, as it should, but in terms of gameplay, it feels original enough.
The new level is like a cross between the NES Life Force’s temple stage and the opening level of Gradius III. But it has whole new enemies, environmental challenges, and a one-off version of the Big Core that never appears in any other version of any other Gradius or Salamander game. It’s not a long level, but it might be the best in the entire game, and that’s saying something. It doesn’t go as far as it could have. There’s no double-upgrades to the guns or missiles, and I think the Option Hunters are spawned a little too often. The damn thing was spawned after I’d already beaten the final boss! No kidding!
It’d be funny if this thing, which doesn’t even kill your ship, somehow ended up destroying you and winning the war for the bad guys. It gets an evil ticker tape parade and the evil key to the city. I’m telling you, there’s a spin off here. “Option Hunter: Hero of the Bacterian Empire” could be good. Can’t be worse than Gyruss!
But overall, I think Gradius II on the PCE-CD is one of the best games I’ve played in this feature so far. I really had to stretch to come up with anything it does that could truly be considered “wrong” and I’m still struggling. I think it even looks better at times than the coin-op, despite sacraficing backgrounds. I guess offering Gradius III-like flexibility in choosing your loadout would have been nicer, but the way it is now is directly lifted from the coin-op. Nah, Gradius II on PCE is probably as perfect as shoot ’em up gets. I’d probably even place it on my short list of genuinely perfect video games, alongside Pac-Man, Portal, the modern base concept of Tetris, the tiny NES indie adventure Böbl, and the pinball table Attack From Mars.
This screenshot was taken on PROFESSIONAL difficulty. You feel the difference immediately as the dragons have a different attack, acting as almost wranglers that try to force you to move in a way that’ll block you from making progress. There’s no continues and the max starting lives is capped at three.
I played through this build once with every loadout and never got bored and even tried the hidden arcade mode (hold UP + both face buttons when you boot it up) but all it seems to do is remove the extra stage. Why would anyone want to do this? The only change a person might want to make is to buff-up the difficulty. There’s four settings: EASY, NORMAL, HARD, and PROFESSIONAL. If you want much more aggressive enemies that spit out a lot more bullets, Gradius II on Super CD-ROM² can do that, but at a steep cost. PROFESSIONAL offers a meaty challenge, but warned: performance takes a big hit on this mode, slowing down as much as the coin-op does. Even with only two options, the slow motion kicked-in fairly quickly on this. I barely noticed it on NORMAL, though it did happen. But, it’s certainly not worse than the coin-op’s slowdown either. And thus, I can comfortably say that NEC fans in Japan had the best option for Gradius II. The fact that this version isn’t in Gradius Origins should be the nail in the coffin for anyone’s enthusiasm for that set. Verdict: YES! – $15 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Pop’n TwinBee Platform: Super Nintendo Entertainment System Released March 26, 1993 Developed by Konami Included with a Nintendo Switch Online Subscription (Standard) Wikis: Konami – TwinBee
Those little robot chickens (man, that’d make a great name for a claymation TV show aimed at Gen-Xers) were some of the most annoying basic enemies in the entire genre.
I’ve gotten pretty good at these shmups over the course of writing this feature. I’m not a pro or anything, but I can eventually either beat a game or come close to it without cheating. I mention that because, on the standard 4 out of 7 difficulty, Pop’n TwinBee ate my ass for lunch. Badly. What makes that weird is this is one of the few games in this feature that doesn’t contain one-hit deaths. Instead, you have a life bar this time and a limited number of credits to beat the game, and every X amount of ground-based enemies you kill will drop life refills. Also, you can’t have your arms blown-off this time. I was really happy about that. No more “hey, wait, when did I lose an arm?” Instead I was looking up at my life bar and saying “when did I take that much damage?” Or “when did I lose all my drones?”
This is easily the coolest boss design of Pop’n, and it’s still very far behind the coolness factor of Detana!! TwinBee/Bells & Whistles.
Once I toned back the difficulty to a “2” out of 7 and then a “3” out of 7, ehhh, Pop’n TwinBee is fine, I guess. It’s just such a letdown after Detana!! TwinBee. It doesn’t feel like it takes the franchise forward. That’s probably because it seems optimized for co-op. Hell, there’s even an option for someone playing with a shmup novice that will cause the enemies to target Player One while leaving Player Two alone for the most part. So that’s neat, and co-op has a, well, let’s call it “slightly overpowered” feature that I’ll get to later. But, as a single player experience, there’s also no adjustment in the amount of enemies. This is a big deal, especially with the ground-based threats. In previous TwinBee games, at least in the coin-op versions, you throw a whole cluster of bombs and the auto-aiming is very generous. In Pop’n TwinBee, you throw one bomb at a time, and you throw them very, very slowly. That wouldn’t be a bad thing, unless, say, the whole screen is full of them.
You’ll have to take my word for it that every one of those holes had a cannon and one point. Apparently I was so focused on the chaos on screen I wasn’t grabbing as many screenshots as I thought. Oh, and see those big bullets? Those are mine, but they don’t do more damage than just plain normal bullets. They’re just bigger. That’s so lame.
You’ll also notice that the enemies are shooting pink bullets, and a large part of the playfield there is pink. So, Pop’n TwinBee has tons of visibility issues and it’s slow and frustrating to fight ground-based targets. Plus, the bosses are a big step backwards from Detana!! TwinBee. Normally, I’d hate the game that screws up that much. But, Pop’n does have genuinely good basic combat mechanics. In this version of TwinBee, you have to collect up to four drones individually. Taking damage costs you a drone, though you can stockpile more than the four by catching green bells even after you have all four drones flanking you. and what you can do with them takes a page out of Thunder Cross if you pick one of the three possible formations. Specifically, this one:
The first one is just the traditional “drones follow slightly behind you” TwinBee options. The second one is where they spin around you. But with the third one, you can spread out the options by holding the attack button. What makes it interesting is that, in this formation, when a drone reaches the side of the screen, it climbs up the screen and starts shooting to the side. So, when I played my first round of Pop’n TwinBee, I got annihilated by this screen.
This is with the difficulty set to a “2” out of “7.” That seems to cause less enemies to appear.
Oh no! The whole screen is full! What can I do to stop all these fish? Well, I can just hold the fire button down and look what happens:
The center circle isn’t mine, obviously. By the way, there’s a “punch move” that allegedly defends against baddies at close range, but I found it very flimsy and unreliable. I wasn’t even sure it was working until my third or fourth play session. It’s not well animated and they didn’t design it in a visually satisfying way. It’s one of those ideas that the tech wasn’t ready for.
That’s pretty nifty. And it begs the question: why isn’t this just the way the game is? The designers of TwinBee came up with so many enemies and attack formations that are seemingly built specifically around the ability of your drones to ride the walls and shoot to the sides that it’s really weird that they gave you two other formations to choose from that don’t have this ability. A LOT of enemies will linger towards the bottom of the screen, hug a wall themselves, or even have their only vulnerable spot be something that you need that wall riding ability to kill. Like these things:
These centipedes must be shot in the head, but there is no possible basic attack that can actually hit them in the head. You just don’t have the ability to shoot at that angle. If you choose any other formation for the drones but the Thunder Cross-like spreadable formation, your only option with these is to either avoid them or use a valuable screen-clearing “super bomb” on them. Now refills for the super bombs are plentiful, but you’ll still want to save them for ground-based stuff because when the game floods the screen with them, I can’t stress enough, you can’t take them out as fast as you need to. There’s no power-ups for the normal bombs you throw at the ground, and even the incredibly overpowered co-op double team move doesn’t do anything about them. So, Pop’n TwinBee is just sort of okay. It feels like it never gets out of first gear.
Oh, and about that co-op move.
With a single press of the right shoulder button, you can grab your partner, swing them around, and throw them. They will ricochet around the screen, destroying almost every non-ground-based enemy they come in contact with. It lasts several seconds and seems to even heat-seek for combos when you successfully hit the first enemy. There’s no cost to doing this move. You don’t take damage from it. It doesn’t use up one of your super bombs. It’s effectively a free, unlimited-use mini-super-bomb. That sounds cool, except it had an unintended consequence when I attempted to play this with both my father, my niece Sasha, and my nephew TJ. No matter who my partner was, the game would inevitably devolve into us spending the entire time trying to throw each-other. We didn’t CO-OP-erate. It was silly. It was chaotic. It got old quickly. It hastened a state of boredom along faster. BUT, there was nothing to stop us from doing it. I can’t tell if this is bad design on the development team’s part for this mechanic or bad design on God’s part for me and my family. Verdict: YES! – $2 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Gokujou Parodius! aka Fantastic Journey Platform: Arcade Released in 1994 Developed by Konami NO MODERN RELEASE Wikis: Konami – Gradius
LULZ at the bonus level that happens when you finish the game. “Thanks for playing our game. We appreciate it. You’re a gentleman and a scholar. Kindly get the f*ck off our machine now so we can make money. Thank you, and God bless.”
Don’t expect a major leap forward with the second real Parodius game (assuming the MSX original was a proof of concept). This feels more like a more-of-the-same expansion pack with eight new levels and a couple new characters. Whether that’s a good thing or not really depends on how much you enjoyed Parodius Da!, because the main game being satirized in Gokujou Parodius is the previous game. A lot of the gags and setpieces are fully dependent on you already being a fan of Parodius. Which isn’t to say there are no improvements. Far from it. The timing of set-pieces are really well done. The cat ship? It shows up early in the second stage instead of right before a boss. I’ve never understood the logic of putting a mini-boss directly in front of a big boss. Well, while you finish the cat right before the boss, you encounter it throughout the level. There’s an excellent speed-zone bit, and a couple of the settings really stand out, like the opening claw-game stage. So why didn’t I like this more?
How they stage it is perfectly done, too. You see glimpses of it before diving under the water to deal with it directly, but I’m pretty sure you can’t win before the end of the stage.
Here’s a great example of “the step forward is really a step backwards.” The showgirl is back, only this time she’s twice as big. That sounds great, except this time around, each pass she makes only has half the available safe zones to navigate. On paper, that sounds more intense. But really stop and think about it: because the choice of how to navigate to safety is already made for you, logically it’s less exciting because there’s only one option to escape. You don’t have to struggle with the tension that comes with having choices. That’s just how it works, and if a dummy like me can grasp that, surely Konami, who have been making one banger after another (seriously, there’s only three NO! votes left in this entire feature) should have fundamentally got this. What they should have done was turned this from the traditionally “can’t kill” walker into a King Kong-like “knock it off the building” trope.
You can’t see my sprite because the score is blocking it. I cannot stress enough to developers: DO NOT DO THIS!
But, other tropes I’ve never cared for have been improved. I’ve never been a fan of the “crumble wall” segments from Gradius/Parodius. Shooting the walls to clear a path is too limiting and thus there’s no excitement. Remember: the most flexibility a player has, the more they have to think about what to do, which means the choices are more exciting, which carries over to the gameplay. I think Gokujou Parodius’ development team must have agreed with me, because this is the best implementation of the crumble wall in any Konami shmup yet. They managed to open it up in a way that causes white knuckle near-misses without feeling cheap. Having an emphasis on falling blocks hidden within the walls, which causes wider gaps to navigate, which makes the whole thing much more open, and thus more exciting.
Obviously a satire on falling-block puzzlers.
Probably my biggest knock, and this will probably be controversial, is the reason why I don’t think this is on the level as Parodius Da: the boss fights. They’re fine from a gameplay perspective. It’s safe to say that Konami had this part of shoot ’em ups down to a science. In terms of their personality or memorability? I don’t really think they’re that amazing. A few of them feel like they’re trying too hard. There’s genuine quirk and there’s forced quirk. Gokujou Parodius’ bosses feel artificially wacky, and frankly, the franchise isn’t going to get much better from here.
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Of course, being a coin-op, Gokujou Parodius features extreme difficulty. Well, unless you pick the fish. In my final run through the games in this feature, I played as the fish, which certainly nerfs some of the levels, especially the final one, but that’s the only character who really saps the challenge. For all other characters, the difficulty situation will be almost entirely fixed in the upcoming home ports. But, for the coin-op, it’s certainly a thing that would turn off a lot of players. There’s also a few minor differences between Fantastic Journey the coin-op and the SNES/PlayStation Parodius. The biggest one is the bunny girl that I did my first play session with in the coin-op. She has a totally different gun in the SNES/Super Famicom game. What gun? Oh, just the boomerang gun from Thunder Cross. Yeah, I’m ready to play that version, please. Gokujou Parodius in arcades is fine, but nothing special. Verdict: YES! – $5 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Gokujou Parodius! Platform: Super Famicom Released November 25, 1994 Directed by Nobuniro Matsuoka Developed by Konami Never Released Outside of Japan NO MODERN RELEASE Wikis: Konami – Gradius
Oh hey, it’s Kid Dracula! Wait, so they shoehorned him into Parodius but they never made a 16-bit Kid Dracula game? Boooooo! Bad form! Boooooo! Boooo, says I! Booooo!
The Super Famicom version of Gokujou Parodius adds Kid Dracula (an NES and Game Boy parody series that went away for no reason), Goemon (aka the Mystical Ninja), and Upa from the Famicom classic Bio Miracle Bokutte Upa. Also, some of the guns were changed around. The most notable, as mentioned in the coin-op review, is that Hikaru and Akane now have the boomerang gun that I fell in love with from Thunder Cross 1 & 2. Does it work as well as in those games?
Yep. By the way, instant revival from death instead of checkpoints is a toggle in this. Very cool.
There’s three other big notable differences. One is that the adjustable difficulty works wonderfully, which leads into the second big change: the after-game bonus level isn’t f*cking impossible. Unfortunately, it’s just not a very strong stage. It has a few unique enemies, like satires of the tentacles from the original Gradius. There’s also another boss, but again, it’s just not that fun to fight. As far as bonuses go, this whole thing was weak. But, almost everything that led to it was pretty good. Well, except the third addition over the arcade game: lots and lots of slowdown.
Not all the characters get options. Some just get their gun upgraded over and over. Upa gets more bullets for his gun. Additionally, Upa doesn’t get a shield. Instead, he gets a bomb that’s functionally like the blue bell.
The amount of slowdown you’ll experience will be dependent on who you use and what your loadout is. For example, with Kid Dracula, it was constant. With the bunny girl, it became constant once I had all four options and the boomerang. It’s not a deal breaker, but after playing through a coin-op where it almost never factors in, it stands out. There’s also heavy balance issues with the characters, but at least that feels in service to the entertainment value. Like, Kid Dracula’s gun is so incredibly overpowered that it almost feels like a satire on its own. The Super Famicom port is fine. An imperfect port of an imperfect sequel, but since the PlayStation version has INSANE amounts of slowdown, the extra characters might make this the best version of it. Verdict: YES! – $5 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Parodius Da! Part of Gokujō Parodius Da! Deluxe Pack Platform: PlayStation* Released December 3, 1994 Developed by Konami Never Released in North America NO MODERN RELEASE Wikis: Konami – Gradius
*I did NOT play the Sega Saturn version. It doesn’t have the hidden level the PSX version does.
Finally finished with Parodius Da! Six different versions. Yeesh.
The final version of Parodius Da! in this feature is the one found in the PlayStation 2-in-1 pack, and it’s far and away the best version of the game. Sorry Saturn fans. You got hosed, because there’s an extra level hidden in this game that ranks among the best levels in any Gradius-engine based game. For whatever reason, that’s only in the PSX build. I’ll get to that stage in a few moments, but first, I’ll note what this package does not offer: the Omake/Lollipop score rush mode found in the PC Engine and SNES builds. While I really enjoyed that mode, it is just a nice bonus on top of an already solid game. It’s missed, but not to the point that I would have considered its exclusion a deal breaker unless the gap between the SNES and PSX was close. It wasn’t. However, you shouldn’t expect profound changes in the PlayStation version of Parodius Da!, but rather a series of subtle ones that add up to a greater whole.
The second loop I could never hope to beat legitimately if I lived to be a thousand. Well and presumably was a vampire. If I lived to be a thousand without being a vampire, I imagine I would be pretty decrepit from 60ish onward.
Besides the bonus level, the most notable feature Parodius Da! on the PSX doesn’t offer is any attempt at an audio/visual upgrade. While it retains every frame of animation from the coin-op, any visual changes are barely noticeable. It’s a little disappointing. I know this sounds weird coming from me, but I was really hoping for an updated soundtrack that replaced the memorable, cheerful classical music chiptunes with full orchestral renditions. That would have been insanely cool, but alas. During the ball maze level, I weirded out my sister by singing Homer Simpson’s version of the Nutcracker, which she had never heard before. “I need a present for my wife, or I’ll have no sex for life! A diamond ring! A vase by Ming! Some kind of useful kitchen thing!” and she stared at me afterward like 😶. As for the graphics, again, subtle changes over the SNES version. On the left is the SNES build, and on the right, the PlayStation. The water effect is much more rich in it, but otherwise, it’s pretty much the same, right?
Super Nintendo Entertainment System
PlayStation
If you’re curious how close it looks compared to the arcade, here’s some comparison shots that I chose because you can see the difference, or lack thereof. It’s really a matter of dimensions and stretching. Super Nintendo is always left. Arcade is always in the center. Right is always PlayStation. Here’s the clowns in the second level.
Super Nintendo Entertainment System
Arcade
PlayStation
Here’s the trees in the Japan level. The PlayStation build DOES have a richer, fuller falling-leaf effect and is probably the most stand-out “special effect” added to the build. It’s not much, but it’s there.
Super Nintendo Entertainment System
Arcade
PlayStation
And here’s the ball maze.
Super Nintendo Entertainment System
Arcade
PlayStation
So it’s really close visually, and I guess that’s disappointing, right? On one hand, it perfectly replicates a 1990 coin-op. On the other hand, 24 of the PlayStation’s 32-bits are going to complete waste (the original coin-op is, shockingly, an 8-bit game). Well, except in one sense: there’s no slowdown this time. Or at least, there isn’t on the default settings or under, and you feel it. I really didn’t care for the gigantic Moai ship in the coin-op. It just plays too slowly and, once you’ve destroyed all the targets, you have to spend too much time waiting around for the action to scroll back so you can take out the bottom targets. It’s pretty boring, actually. On the PlayStation, the tempo is vastly increased thanks to the horsepower. The result is one of the most tedious stages is instead reborn as the mid-game highlight it was meant to be all along. But the whole game is like that. The same game you already loved, only without any of the technical hangups. It was that aspect, and not the extra level, that really hammered home to me that this was the best version of Parodius, hands down.
It kind of looks like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, doesn’t it?
So, what about that extra level that I declared “one of the best?” Well, it’s not actually part of the natural progression. It’s an alternative Stage 2 that you must unlock after beating the first boss. Here’s how you do it. As soon as the buffer zone between the first and second levels starts, shoot every one of the enemies in the first row that comes out at the bottom of the screen. Then, when the second row of enemies comes out the top, you have to only shoot the one in the front. This is the part that annoyed me about this, because depending on your loadout, it might not even be possible to only kill the front one. And you’re not even done yet! After shooting that front enemy in the second row, you have to not kill anything else. If you do this correctly and avoid dying, after about ten seconds, there will be a fairly long load time, then every enemy on screen will explode and you’ll enter yet another buffer zone before the train station begins.
STEP ONE: Kill all these guys.
STEP TWO: Kill only this guy.
STEP THREE: Avoid dying until this happens.
It is worth the effort because the stage is fantastic. It’s a little on the short side, but I like that aspect. It has a lot of unique enemies, one-off sprites, an excellent use of the tight squeeze trope, and one of the best bosses in Parodius Da! But, I hate that you have to unlock it, and I especially hate that the method for unlocking it is so arbitrary. What a waste of a masterpiece of a stage. None of the other games with extra levels make you jump through hoops like this. At some point in those other games, it’s just like “here’s an extra level. Thanks for buying our product!” I’m also not sure why they didn’t bother putting this in the Sega Saturn version, because it’s seriously THE highlight of the game and one of the best levels in a shoot ’em up EVER! It’s fantastic, and most people who owned this collection probably never even played it. What an absolute travesty!
In my hypothetical Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection, they can right this wrong and add the extra stages from both the SNES and PlayStation games into the order of the levels, placing the bathhouse early and the train station late in the game, creating a definitive version that would be in the upper-echelon of Konami’s shoot ’em up library. I guess that’s the thing that frustrates me most of all. Over the last couple months, I’ve played six versions of Parodius Da. I did it the “right way” and spread out playing the different versions so that I wouldn’t get burned out on it. When I thought I was done, I had to go back and check things to see how close the versions were. And I’ve come to a sad realization: the best version of this game really doesn’t exist. Not yet. It’s somewhere between all the different ports that have existed. The best of those versions is the one included in Gokujō Parodius Da! Deluxe for the PlayStation, but now I kind of hope Konami does one final Parodius Da! and gives us the game they should have included here. Verdict: YES! – $8 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Gokujō Parodius! ~Kako no Eikō o Motomete~ Part of Gokujō Parodius Da! Deluxe Pack Platform: PlayStation Released December 3, 1994 Developed by Konami Never Released in North America NO MODERN RELEASE Wikis: Konami – Gradius
If the shape of the fish looks familiar, it should. It’s got the same outline as the player sprite from the MSX legend Space Manbow. These weapons are hell of fun to use, despite being grossly overpowered. However, they come at a very steep cost to the game’s performance.
Gokujō Parodius on the PSX has so much slowdown that I went back and replayed Parodius Da on PSX again to see if I somehow hallucinated the lack of slowdown I experienced playing it. I didn’t. Now, Gokujō Parodius is much more technically advanced than Da!, but still, this is pretty damn bad slowdown. While it’s always sort of there if you have a full loadout, it’s especially noticeable when you choose the fish. I wish this build had a hidden extra level, a bonus boss fight, or some new player characters to make up for it, but it doesn’t. This was SO disappointing after the best version of Parodius Da, from literally the same disc mind you. Gokujō Parodius on PSX is still a quality game, but really, there’s no reason to play this specific build over the superior SNES version that offers more characters and probably a little less slowdown. So, this is a historic first: I’m awarding both a YES! and nothing in value. Verdict: YES! – No value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
TwinBee Yahho!: Fushigi no Kuni de Ōabare!! Platform: Arcade Released April 19, 1995 Developed by Konami Never Released Outside of Japan NO MODERN RELEASE Wikis: Konami – TwinBee
Woo hoo! Wacky fun! That’s what I want from a TwinBee game!
The final original TwinBee shmup goes out with a decent-sized bang. This is basically “what if a shmup took place in Alice in Wonderland?” I mean, it’s not called Alice in Wonderland. In fact, the giant robotic doll you fight that looks exactly like Alice is actually called “Emily” but, trust me, this is Alice in Wonderland: The Shmup. There’s Cheshire Cats. There’s evil playing cards. The only thing it’s missing is growing and shrinking. How can you make an Alice-inspired shmup and not have growing and shrinking? I’m as mad as a hatter over that.
You even fight Tweedledum and Tweedledee, though again, they’re not called that. Instead, they’re called “the Balloon Brothers.” Really? There’s no way this is a copyright concern issue, either.
My biggest concern with Yahho is the lack of fairness. There’s several attack patterns I’m almost not entirely sure are survivable. Thankfully you come back to life where you died and have as many credits as you need to win. With that said, over the last sixty-five games in this feature, I’ve gotten pretty damn decent at shmups, and I want to genuinely win without needing to reload quarters. I want the glory of victory, dammit! But when the screen looks like this:
This laser beam eventually reaches the corner and I died when I flew as high as I could get and tried to cross over the head, where I thought I would be safe. Nope. Died as soon as I reached the midpoint.
(shrug) I’m sure there is a way to survive, but it feels like blind luck. That’s fine. I’ve played enough brawlers and run & gun games that I can appreciate a shameless quarter shakedown as long as the game is fun, and there’s no doubt that TwinBee Yahho! is a ton of fun. While I think Bells & Whistles is certainly the cleaner game, I appreciate the heavy emphasis on setpieces in this follow-up. It’s probably the most cinematic classic-style shmup ever made up to this point. It almost feels like they were trying to steal a bit of that Star Fox magic with all the character dialog, talking head windows, and shifting camera perspectives. This is a shmup that really wants to tell a story. Now, if you can’t read Japanese, that story might be lost on you. It’s basically an expansion of the TwinBee radio dramas that ran for 96 episodes in Japan. That’s not what’s important, though. This is:
The camera movement is limited strictly to the backgrounds. The gameplay stays entirely 2D, but the backdrop creates the illusion of doing loopty loops or flying on your side. It can be very disorienting, which I suppose means the illusion is successful. Actually, it’s one of the most successful background tricks I’ve experienced in any game. It works. Now, whether it’s welcome will be up to you. I thought the camera tricks were neat. On the other hand, I thought the giant talking head windows were hugely distracting in those rare times where they show up in the middle of stages. Thankfully, such moments are few and far between. The other big knock is the “lose an arm” bit returns from previous TwinBee coin-ops. After the last SNES game, I was kind of hoping that mechanic would be retired, but to their credit, they really came up with a way to make it work. How? Well, first let me note that Yahho has the heaviest emphasis on ground-based targets in the franchise. Thankfully, they didn’t leave you hopelessly overmatched this time. For the first time, there’s an item that helps with the ground targets. This:
Yea, it’s a big ass bomb that has a big ass blast radius. Awesome, right? Well, yes and no. Yes, it’s great that they finally addressed the problem with the ground based targets and the speed at which you can hit them by creating an item that’s tailored to them. It only took them until the very last goddamned shmup game (the last TwinBee game was an RPG) in the franchise to do it, but better late than never. Hell, if I’m being honest, the item they created is even more powerful than one I or anyone else would have reasonably expected. It’s so unbelievably useful that the first time I saw it, I thought it must be a one time item. Nope. You get it until you lose the arm throwing it.
One big difference between this and other TwinBee games is that the game isn’t stingy with repairing your arms. In addition to the ambulance no longer being limited to once per life, you can also grab a pink bell to repair a broken arm. You’ll need these too, because the collision doesn’t feel completely accurate. The game is so visually loud that I never was able to tell for certain, even when I used rewind to examine lost arms, whether or not the collision was truly sprite-accurate. It sure doesn’t feel like it, especially when you have to make tight squeezes like seen above. Hey, I really enjoyed TwinBee Yahho, but make no mistake: this is a messy, messy game.
OR, until you pick up another item. Remember how you got the triple shot from ground-based targets in previous games? Well in TwinBee Yahho, there’s four weapons that rotate from a single pick-up, and one of those four items is the bomb in question. In my opinion, this doesn’t quite work out as well as they probably hoped it would. In theory, one arm gets the gun, the other gets the bomb, right? Well, you can do that, provided you get the items in the correct order. Or you can dual-wield triple shot guns, or you can have the big bombs in one hand and the triple shot in the other. In practice, I couldn’t keep BOTH arms alive long enough to get a good feel for it, even when I tried to cheat. I should also note that when you have only one arm, the bomb is so useful, especially in later stages, that you’d be foolish to take anything else. Sure, it’s not very useful against bosses, but you’ll want to use charge shots against them anyway.
The bosses are mostly a lot of fun to battle against. This really is quite the hidden gem, as far as Konami shmups go.
And speaking of the charge shots, there’s four styles of charge shots as well that you have to select at the start of each credit. One is the traditional wave of fire. One is the boxing glove you can see in the first pic of this game’s review. One is a really weak spread weapon that I don’t recommend. The third option is the strangest: it allows you to give birth to up to three drones, like you’d get with the green bell. Then, charging them unleashes a bomb similar to the one in Pop’n TwinBee for the SNES.
TwinBee Yahho has one of the worst final levels of any shmup. It’s not hard or anything. It’s just not that good.
TwinBee Yahho does all the stuff I love about a good Konami shmup. The locations are genuinely fun, high-energy facades. The enemies are memorable. The bosses feel like events. It doesn’t take forever to build up a formidable loadout. Really, the most disappointing aspect of Yahho is that it’s a very short game. Five full stages and then a remarkably strange finale themed around a chase against Dr. Warumon. Some games stick the landing with their climax. TwinBee Yahho not only didn’t stick the landing, but the plane exploded midair and it bailed out at the last second only to discover that someone had swapped its parachute with a tombstone. There’s no satisfying final boss. The whole thing just kind of ends anticlimactically after a certain point. I guess, in a sense, the giant Alice is the final boss and the last level is a glorified epilogue. I’m not taking away anything from TwinBee Yahho because the game had been damn fun up to that last sequence, but it does kind of break my heart. Especially since that was it. The last memories of the last coin-op TwinBee. Talk about going out with a whimper instead of a bang. Verdict: YES! – $8 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection And now let me talk briefly about Detana TwinBee Yahho! DELUXE PACK
As you can plainly see, the PSX port is an easier version of the coin-op.
Originally, I planned on doing full reviews of both games featured in Detana TwinBee Yahho! DELUXE PACK for the original PlayStation, but unlike the Parodius PS1 collection, no additional levels were added. The two games included are the same games, only both now come with an options menu. The most important inclusion to both Detana!! TwinBee and TwinBee Yahho is adjustable difficulty. Especially with Yahho, you can feel it, though even on 2 out of 7 (pictured above) Yahho can get quite fierce. Yahho also includes extra voice-overs and, I think at least, a very slightly improved collision box. Maybe. Or maybe it was the placebo effect. I enjoyed replaying both games very much but I think I’m all out of words for them. If you wish, consider both an easy YES! Because the gameplay is, more or less, identical to the coin-ops, and, because the options are more extensive than the coin-ops, I would not be angry if the coin-ops were not included in my hypothetical Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection. Hell, these versions might even be preferred. For that reason, I’d award $2 in bonus value to each game for the options menus.
Jikkyou Oshaberi Parodius Platform: Super Famicom Released December 15, 1995 Directed by Nobuhiro Matsuoka Developed by Konami Never Released Outside of Japan NO MODERN RELEASE Wikis: Konami – Gradius
Except for the cat, this could have been any of the SNES Parodius games.
It’s safe to say that, after dozens of Gradius and Gradius-like games, the formula is starting to become predictable. Except, like, shouldn’t Parodius be where the formula is played around with? Where a surprise or a twist should happen? Sadly, there’s no such moments like that in the third and final 16-bit Parodius game. I take back what I said about Gokujou Parodius, because THIS is the one that feels like little more than DLC. Which might not be a bad thing, depending on how much you enjoy Parodius. If you’ve liked the previous games, Jikkyou Oshaberi Parodius is more of the same. If not, well, Jikkyou Oshaberi Parodius is more of the same.
The bosses are the most spongy of any Parodius game so far. This is not a good thing.
The big original hook of Jikkyou Oshaberi Parodius is the “Oshaberi” part. Oshaberi means “chattering” or “chatterbox.” Usually the context for it refers to idle, frivolous talk, so a more accurate English translation for the purposes of this game would be “bullsh*tting.” At the time of its release, Jikkyou Oshaberi Parodius probably set some kind of record for a cart-based title’s voice samples. The entire game has running commentary that describes themes, enemies, setpieces, and bosses. Unfortunately, if you’re not fluent in Japanese, this won’t do anything for you. For a hypothetical future compilation, if they recorded an English dub of it, I’d award bonus value.
The other baby (the one in the pink clothes, not Upa) is insanely overpowered.
I can’t argue that Jikkyou Oshaberi Parodius is a bad game. But even with direct parodies of familiar Konami games, I just didn’t think this was as good as previous titles in the series. Hell, there’s a level that’s a direct parody of Xexex, from the art style to the enemy patterns, but it’s just not well done. It’s not terrible either. It just feels like this is the Parodius made out of ideas that were cut from previous games that they then decided to doll-up with the commentary. There’s nothing particularly clever about it. Like, the showgirl returns, only this time, she’s faster. Oooh.
And she looks different too.
Everything right about Parodius on the Super Famicom returns as well. The pitch-perfect adjustable difficulty. The optional ability to immediately respawn after dying. The fact that there’s not separate buttons for normal shots and missiles. Seriously, that might be the most underrated aspect of the SNES games. I hate having to press two different buttons. But, overall I felt the humor didn’t land nearly as much, the levels were much more bland than the previous two games, and the bosses dragged thanks to their increased hit points. It’s still a pretty fun game because the Gradius formula is hard to screw up, but it’s also not hard to see why games like this weren’t long for this world. Verdict: YES! – $3 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Salamander 2 Platform: Arcade Released January, 1996 Programmed by Takeaki Hasegawa Developed by Konami To Be Included in Gradius Origins Wikis: Konami – Gradius
I just finished this game and I honestly don’t remember fighting this thing. It wasn’t even half-an-hour ago. Yeesh.
Salamander 2 is the sequel that honestly feels like it doesn’t want to exist. Like they felt like they had to do a sequel to a Gradius game because the technology was getting better, but they had no inspiration at all for it. The weird thing is the first Salamander felt the same way, but that game feels especially inspired compared to its sequel. The biggest change this time is to the options. Now, there’s two tiers of them. You could get a large one, or you could get a small one. The small ones are especially under-powered and kind of useless. Now, two small options will combine to form a large one, but it begs the question: why bother if the game will occasionally drop big ones and small ones? Shouldn’t they all be small to start? Also, you can sacrifice options for power shots. The small ones will make a tiny little shield around you for a second or two. Sacrificing a big one is basically a bomb. It looks like this:
Functionally, it’s more like a high-powered homing missile that never seems to aim for what you’re hoping it will aim for unless you save these exclusively for bosses. But even after activating this, you can still pick-up the now reduced-in-size smaller option. So, I guess that’s kind of neat. Less neat is the fact that you can double-up the power of the guns, but a max-power gun only lasts for ten seconds before it goes back to the previous tier. This system MIGHT have worked if they had done the Gradius item bar system, but Salamander 2 uses the same system as the original Salamander, so the super-powered guns never seem to appear when you want them the most. Thankfully, there’s only six pretty boring levels to slog through, along with some of the least inspired bosses in the franchise. The first boss is pretty cool. Here it is:
Either this is the first boss or I said “Beetlejuice” three times.
Very cool. But, after that, there were bosses that didn’t feel like bosses at all, and this sensation is punctuated by one of the most ridiculously spongy final bosses in any game in this entire feature. It’s terrible.
You’ll notice there’s a lot of bullets there. Salamander 2 often feels like it’s an attempt by Konami to do a Toaplan-style bullet hell. It didn’t do that bad a job, except for the fact that the whole game is boring. I didn’t actually struggle all that much even when enemies were spraying waves of bullets not far from me. At most, I only needed to wiggle a little bit to make my way through a swarm of bullets. For most enemies who launch tons and tons of shots, the opening is just right there in the center of the cluster they create. It feels like a bullet hell that doesn’t understand bullet hells. It also doesn’t feel like it understands why the bosses are considered highlights of other games. Salamander 2 is competent blandness run amok. Well produced, and a total bore. Verdict: NO!
At this point, I planned on reviewing Gradius and Gradius II from the 1996 Japanese-exclusive Gradius Deluxe Pack. I was operating under the assumption that it might be an upgraded version of the coin-ops, or feature no slowdown. The only real upgrade is adjustable difficulty. It’s pretty disappointing, given Konami’s track record. BUT, those option menus would be nice to have for the coin-ops. You can especially feel it in the first Gradius game. Like with the TwinBee two pack, I’d award $2 in bonus value for those option menus alone.
Sexy Parodius Platform: Arcade, PlayStation Released March, 1996 (Arcade), November 1, 1996 (PSX) Developed by Konami Never Released Outside of Japan* NO MODERN RELEASE Wikis: Konami – Gradius
*Apparently the coin-op was available in other Asian countries.
There’s no octopus ship this time, meaning no ring weapons. However, a sentient option is a ship, and it has the boomerangs from Thunder Cross.
The good news is that the PSX and Arcade versions of Sexy Parodius are identical, except the PSX version has adjustable difficulty. The bad news is they’re identical. Sexy Parodius is the one Parodius shmup I had never previously played coming into this feature (probably a poor choice of words). I felt some degree of sadness as the title screen loaded, knowing this was it. The only Parodius that followed this is a Japanese-exclusive turn-based game. Hell, this could very well be the last time I play a Parodius game for the first time (I played the next game in this feature before playing this). Well, after playing Sexy Parodius, yeah, it was time to end this franchise. They were clearly out of ideas for levels and especially bosses. Besides Salamander 2, I’d even say that this has the weakest lineup of bosses of any Gradius game of the 90s. A couple stand-outs, like Medusa or a penguin wearing a toilet seat on its head, but for the most part, the designs and attack patterns are uninspired.
To really nail (probably a poor choice of words) how lazy and uninspired the design is, the boss rush features three bosses from Parodius Da! and one from Gokujō Parodius instead of new bosses. Okay, so the evil mouths eventually combine to form a bigger mouth and that’s new, but then the final boss of the rush, which looks original, only uses attack patterns from the previous four bosses in the rush. Whoa, careful there, fellas. I almost sat up in my chair for a moment. Actually, I became genuinely listless playing this, which hasn’t happened much in this feature so far. Sexy Parodius is so phoned-in that it feels like an assignment that nobody wanted. Like the CEO of Konami said “gentlemen, we need another Parodius to fill a gap in our arcade release schedule” and everyone who might have had an original thought said “not it!” in unison, leaving only Uncreative Joe who was late to the meeting because his zipper got stuck.
For whatever reason, they decided the bosses needed a visual lifebar in this version. Also the white bell spawns that Pac-Man like thing that has to be fed bells but preemptively eats many enemies.
The big twist with Sexy Parodius is that each level now has an objective to it, mostly collecting or destroying things. Well, the first level’s goal is just “beat the boss” which isn’t exactly optional, but after that, the objectives take priority and mostly succeed at giving players more to do than just shoot with reckless abandon. It’s actually not the worst idea for a Gradius-style shmup. I REALLY liked the fairy collecting in the next Parodius game in this feature, which is a remake of Jikkyou Oshaberi Parodius. For Sexy Parodius, the first actual objective is collecting 300 coins. My first time playing the coin-op, I actually failed it with 298, and I thought I was doing pretty good. So, it’s not a token gameplay mechanic. That’s a good thing, right?
The “sexy” part is related to finding girls in a few levels. Oh and a woman who squashes an octopus with her bare ass. This could be called “Parodius: Rule 34 Edition.”
But, I don’t think the objectives are a win at all, and here’s why: branching paths. Normally I’d totally go down on them. I MEAN I’m down with them. Ahem. I mean, I’d prefer an option that allows you to play every single stage if you want. I think one of the best quality of life ROM hacks I’ve ever played is a Castlevania III ROM hack that removes the branching paths and gives you a complete level tour, but I’m down for having a variety of levels. Except, Sexy Parodius has levels that can only be accessed by failing objectives, and if you want to experience the whole game, you’ll need multiple play-throughs and have to avoid shooting things in some stages. The latter part of that could have easily been fixed by letting players choose which level they want if they succeed while taking the option away when they fail. The real kick in the ass is that the better levels are the ones you play when you miss the objectives. This could very well be the worst version of branching paths I’ve experienced in a retro game so far.
Your reward for completing every objective is a quite unimaginative but ultra-difficult “bonus stage” that plays almost exactly like the after-game bonus stage of Gokujō Parodius. I only was able to finish it by grabbing about a dozen green bells along the way, and the boss fight at the end is nothing to write home about.
Before I wrap this review up, I have to tell you about one of the worst closing sequences to a game I’ve seen. Here’s how Sexy Parodius climaxes (probably a poor choice of words).
“You’ve already had to fight several identical walls like this one in this level, except this wall has three targets. Blow up this wall!”
“Okay, I did it!”
“Cool. Now here’s another wall, but this one has five targets and even more crap spamming the screen. Blow up this wall too.”
“Okay, this is getting tiring but I got one more in me. I’ve made it this far, afterall!”
“You’re tired of not fighting walls? Well how about yet another wall, this time with TWELVE targets!”
“……… Nah, actually I’m good, thanks.” (turns off game)
What a boring way to end a game. Yes, I get what they were trying to do, but as a gag it’s not funny because the gameplay is too repetitive. And even if it wasn’t meant to be a joke, it doesn’t work as climatic sequence anyway, because, I mean, it’s f*cking walls! Like most other Gradius games, there’s no boss after these final walls. THEY ARE the last boss, unless you count the bonus level. I’m not even mad about the shameless blanketing of bullets coupled with low visibility, even on the easier settings mind you. By this point, I already realized why Sexy Parodius was the last original Parodius shmup. They were creatively bankrupt at this point, and in retrospect, the franchise was on a downward trajectory after Da! and was going to crater eventually. Well, it happened, because Sexy Parodius just isn’t fun. The set pieces, bosses, and new characters are lame as f*ck and the jokes don’t really land. The gameplay is still Gradius and if you are incapable of being bored by Gradius, you’ll enjoy a handful of new levels, but otherwise, it was clearly time to put this franchise to bed. Probably a poor choice of words. Verdict: NO!
Jikkyou Oshaberi Parodius: Forever with Me Platform: PlayStation Released December 20, 1996 Directed by Kazutomo Terada Developed by Stone Heads Published by Konami Never Released Outside of Japan NO MODERN RELEASE Wikis: Konami – Gradius
Much, much better.
Forever With Me is a remastering of Jikkyou Oshaberi Parodius that rights a lot of wrongs. Some of the more boring boss fights are replaced with better ones in this build. Like, the Big Core MK I just shows up in JOP. Not a satire of it, but the real thing, and apparently the subversion of the expectation of a joke is the joke. Well, that’s not funny, so here’s a dog instead. You’ll notice in the picture its attack pattern is still the Big Core’s, more or less, but it just works better. That’s not to say they only repainted bosses, either. After three previous games spent as a mini-boss, the Cat thing is now a full-fledged boss in Forever With Me and a highlight of the game. There’s also several small changes to the level layouts and new set-pieces.
In the Lethal Enforcers level, a new addition is two virtual players taking aim at you for a good chunk of the level. You simply have to avoid their crosshairs. This was not in the SNES version.
There’s also new graphical effects, background gags, and even replay value. Hidden in the game are seventy fairies that must be located by shooting the area they’re hidden in, then collecting them. After you find these seventy, a fresh batch of seventy more are hidden in different locations. Now, I think they kind of skimped on the unlockables, as the only character you can get is Kid Dracula, and only if you get all 140 fairies. But, it’s a great idea that I had a lot of fun with. So much fun, actually, that I’m kind of heartbroken it took all the way to the 70th game in this feature for Konami to come up with something like this. By the way, it is different from Sexy Parodius’ objectives, because the fairies aren’t just on the screen. You have to reveal them AND collect them. They’re genuinely hidden. Now, it could have been better by having the fairies be numbered to let you know how much progress you’ve made. I feel a modern game would know to do that, but this sort of “collect-a-thon outside of adventure games” thing wasn’t super common back then.
I didn’t manage to unlock Kid Dracula, who is probably the only character that would be considered “overpowered.” Unlike Gokujō Parodius, the developers put a heavy premium on balanced characters.
Another neat addition that’s exclusive to the Sony versions are ACCIDENT levels. You have to turn them on in the options menu. These are like bite-size bonus mini-stages with a series of repetitive challenges. Oh, and they’re polygonal enemies, and there’s always something 3D-ish about their vulnerabilities or attack pattern design. There’s no bosses for these segments, and as far as I can tell, no fairies are hidden in them either. So, these are just for funsies optional stages, hence being a toggle. But, they’re certainly fun if you want to pad-out the game.
And Jikkyou Oshaberi Parodius: Forever with Me is STILL not done with the new content, providing not one but two local leaderboard-driven bonus modes. First, remember the scoring-driven Omake/Lollipop levels? Yep, there’s a brand new one that’s called Omake 1 in the menu. Sadly, I felt this was probably the weakest of the Omake levels in any version of Parodius, including the PC Engine version. No awesome surprises at all. It’s solid and fun, but a bit of a letdown.
HOWEVER, I thought the way the boss worked was a nice twist, since it tosses coins out alongside its attacks. Never been a big fan of the “wall boss” in Gradius/Parodius games, so go figure the most interesting one is in a throwaway bonus mode in a remake of a Parodius nobody remembers.
Omake 2 is a totally different experience. Instead of being themed like a score rush, this level takes place on a race track and highly incentivizes using the SPEED UP boosts. Instead of competing for a high score, you’re trying to post the fastest time. The course is always the same and you really have to work to memorize it because some of the turns are, simply put, ridiculous. Dare I say seemingly impossible if you use too many speed-ups. But, as a completely out of left field change of pace to the shmup formula, I really liked this. Real crowd pleaser too, as everyone wanted to take turns trying to post a high score.
So Jikkyou Oshaberi Parodius: Forever with Me is superior in every way to the Super Famicom game. But I also must stress that, like the SFC original, fluency in spoken Japanese is absolutely required to be able to fully appreciate the game. The “chattering” part is back, and apparently some of the dialog has been updated, but it’s entirely in Japanese. Also, like the original, some of the set-pieces just aren’t very good. The Xexex level was a total flop for me, and that’s coming from someone who thinks Xexex is the bees’ knees. I would have loved a deluxe version of Parodius Da, which I still think is the best game in the franchise. I guess improving a weaker game is a good thing, but I still prefer Da! Oh well, we’ll always have the flasher Moai, I guess. Verdict: YES! – $5 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Wait, what?
Almost made it to 36 years old without being flashed by a Moai. Alas. At least they blurred it out.
Solar Assault: Gradius aka Solar Assault: Revised* Platform: Arcade Released July, 1997 (Original) Released December, 1997 (Revised) NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED Wikis: Konami – Gradius
*The version released in the United States titled “Solar Assault” is the Japanese “Solar Assault: Revised.” Since the original Solar Assault was basically a glorified prototype that should never have been released, I only played Revised for this feature.
Do you get it?
Well, at least they finally figured out a way to freshen-up the Moai stage: make it 3D! The best way to explain Solar Assault is take Star Fox 64, add a version of the Gradius item bar that’s completely missing the speed-up slot, and then remove the NPC aspect, all-range mode, the barrel roll, and the somersault. That’s actually a very accurate way of looking at Solar Assault. It’s so well done that Nintendo could have modified this and released it as Star Fox 64-II with minimal fuss. You know how I talk about shared DNA? Solar Assault isn’t a cousin to Star Fox 64. It’s a fraternal twin. Does the item bar, including options and the classic shield design, make it feel like a Gradius game? Nope. Not even a little bit. It’s Star Fox 64, period. Easily the most Nintendo-like Konami game I’ve ever played in my life. That’s not a bad thing, by the way.
Not bad looking for an early 3D game, either.
Actually, in many ways, I like this better than Star Fox 64. I was never a big fan of the all-range segments in that. The on-the-rails stages and bosses felt more “pure” somehow and there was always a hint of jank to the truly 3D elements. Well, there’s no truly 3D gameplay here. All the 3D elements like turns through corridors or buildings are on-the-rails. Thankfully, the illusion of 3D is very well-crafted, leading to heart-stopping near-miss moments. Angela owes me $5 for doing a sentence with three hyphens. There’s a lot of smart design choices, too. The classic Gradius item capsules return, and they linger on the screen when you would logically scroll past them, giving you time to collect them. That’s probably one of the reasons why it’s not a hard game, which is stunning for a Konami arcade game. The developers apparently decided “speed-up” wouldn’t work for this format, and that’s fine. The game controls like a dream, with smooth and accurate analog controls. Why mess with that for the sake of tradition?
This is the forest primeval, only with evil robot centipedes and spaceships instead of murmuring pines and hemlock.
Sadly, I couldn’t recreate the arcade experience, which featured an open cockpit deluxe cabinet along with a gigantic flight stick equipped with a fire and/or missile button. But, the game still manages to be pretty immersive. The levels have a “theme park dark ride” quality I was hoping for. I didn’t really expect this to have exciting settings, and I was wrong. The levels are very well-themed, with even boilerplate settings going the extra mile to make them stand out. The opening level is an asteroid belt, only set directly above a planet, with the outline of a black hole off in the distance. It might offer nothing new in terms of gameplay, but the Moai stage, a scary forest, and a pair of spooky space stations feel fresh in both look and gameplay. My breath was constantly taken away by some of the sights.
This is a VERY visually-loud game.
Solar Assault is not perfect. There are two major flaws in it. The first big problem is that it’s very easy to lose where you are on the screen. Even though I’m nearly 36 and nearing my third decade of gaming, Solar Assault’s action got so crazy that I still managed to lose track of my exact position on the screen multiple times, especially at the end of the game. This didn’t happen with every ship. I strongly recommend playing as Lord British (no, not that one), who fires the classic Salamander ripple rings. The ship is reddish-pink, and it just stands out more, plus the weapon was much more effective anyway. A bigger problem is the bosses are too spongy. Hell, in my first playthrough, I beat the first three bosses by running the clock out even though I’m pretty sure I was hitting most of my shots on them. It’s telling that, once I switched off Vic Viper to Lord British, I was beating bosses with time to spare.
When you defeat third boss King Tut, his goddamned eyes roll into the back of his head and it’s so creepy and scary. That’s nightmare fuel.
The strangest thing of all about Solar Assault is that the basic enemies are much more fun to fight than the bosses. Even the traditional Big Cores show up, and they’re just not fun to do battle with because they’re too damn spongy. They don’t look great either, and I only barely recognized them as Big Cores. Oh, and the finale does the typical Gradius “the last boss doesn’t fight back” gag, and even that is spongy to the point that it loses all its entertainment value. There’s really nothing wrong with Solar Assault that some light rebalancing couldn’t fix. Even Konami seems to have recognized this, hence this being the rare game that was released, then immediately redone with new segments, an entire new level, and rebalanced difficulty and basic enemy attack patterns.
If you play the original version, you won’t be playing the lava stage. It’s not included. While this wasn’t exactly a highlight, all six levels in the revised build are damn solid 3D shooting action and worth playing. Losing even one stage hurts.
I did fiddle around with the original build, which wasn’t as good as Revised and I don’t recommend even trying it. It’s so clearly an unfinished prototype, and one that feels like it was released simply to gauge the reaction. Hell, they later did the same thing with Castlevania 64 in a way. But even the Revised version of Solar Assault is a short game at six levels. Still, it’s just awful that this has never seen a home release. Of all the games in this feature that’s true of, Solar Assault hurts the most. Sometimes early 3D games have a gimmickness to them. Not this one. It’s one of the very best games I’ve reviewed in recent years. I loved it.
Imagine what a modern remake of this could look like!
I really don’t give a sh*t if it’s little more than Konami’s take on Star Fox 64. Solar Assault really feels like the type of game that could have stoked new interest in the Gradius franchise. That was NEVER going to happen if they kept this in arcades, and especially never going to happen if the US build only got a limited release. Solar Assault might be one of the best coin-ops ever to slip into obscurity. It’s a non-entity in modern gaming, and nobody is better off for that. I’d never even heard of it, and it’s just a fantastic game. What a tragedy this whole thing is. It just hurts my heart that it’s slipped so far under the radar. This was actually the final original game I played for this feature (though not the last sequentially), and I’m wiping tears because it feels so good to have found one last hidden gem/killer app for a potential future collection. Do the right thing, Konami, because you didn’t in the late 90s. Verdict: YES! – $15 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Gradius Gaiden Platform: PlayStation Released August 28, 1997 Directed by Teisaku Seki Developed by Konami Never Released Outside of Japan* NO MODERN RELEASE* Wikis: Konami – Gradius
*Ported to Gradius Collection for PSP and the Japanese version of the PlayStation Classic
There’ve been a lot of games in this feature that didn’t get released in North America that make me heartsick. Gradius II on the Famicom? The Japanese versions of Thunder Cross and Xexex? The entire MSX Gradius franchise? But, Gradius Gaiden hurts more than all the others, mostly because we’re now in my gaming lifetime, which basically starts during Christmas of 1996. Now, the odds are actually slim that I would have ever had this game. I was not into shmups at all. BUT, I could see a scenario where my father looks at a well made spaceship on a cover and buys it for me so I can try something new. Or, maybe my parents would have grabbed it as a rental from Blockbuster Video. Now, Gradius Gaiden would have had to beat out some pretty crazy odds for all that to happen and realistically, I think my parents would have more likely rolled the dice on licensed properties. But, just those slim chances have legitimately had me staring at walls thinking “what if?” Especially after 1998 when I really got into gaming at the age of 9, I think I would have fallen in love with the genre at a much younger age than I did.
Gradius Gaiden IS Gradius #4 or #5 depending on how you feel about Salamander/Life Force. Yes, there’s an actual Gradius IV coming up, but only because they chose a name instead of a number. There’s no twist in the formula that fundamentally changes the Gradius format. This is the sequential heir to Gradius III’s legacy, period, end of story. So, why is this so much better than the others except maybe Gradius II? Because this is all the good stuff with none of the bad. Because the levels are often not just facades. Like the above stage? The crystals can reflect your lasers! Well, provided your ship shoots lasers. If it doesn’t, it’s just another pretty stage. Gradius Gaiden has a lot of those.
Here’s a very neat weapon. It’s actually the first upgraded gun of a new ship called the “Jade Knight.” Its second gun is just twin lasers. Very ho-hum, really. This is much, much more interesting. These rings are ideal for levels like the Moai stage, where you don’t always have a straight shooting angle. This is one of the best non-high-level guns in any Konami shmup. It checks all four boxes: visually striking, incredibly useful, balanced risk/reward factors, AND cathartically satisfying. I loved it.
So why isn’t it just outright the best Gradius? Well, you kind of have to be a big fan of Gradius for a lot of Gradius Gaiden’s level themes and design to work. Like, the second level is a scrapyard full of failed Big Core variants. It’s like Parodius without the humor, played entirely sincerely in a way that works. In addition to tons and tons of callbacks and hidden details, this is a game that largely sets up expectations with level themes that seem familiar, but then some incredible twist happens. Take those Moai heads. It’s been done in nearly every Gradius game, but this time, the statues break apart after being destroyed, creating secondary hazards that keep you from going into cruise control. That’s a nice subtle change. There’s also the not-so-subtle, like the sixth level. It starts with a very familiar setting: the first level of the original Gradius, which has returned multiple times at this point. Seems kind of late in the game for this particular memberberry but I guess that’s fine and HOLY F*CKING SH*T! THE LEVEL IS BEING SUCKED INTO A BLACK HOLE!
I can’t really get a good screenshot of it. You’ll just have to take my word that it’s awesome.
Now, the black hole bit works even if you don’t recognize the level. But it WORKS BETTER if you are a Gradius superfan. So do the twists with the Big Core variants you fight. And the final boss and really the entire climax relies heavily on callbacks to make any sense and I imagine will be very disappointing if you lack that context. Like, it literally morphs into three seemingly random Salamander bosses, for no reason. The gag of the last Gradius bosses being weak and essentially defenseless has long overstayed its welcome by this point, and this one doesn’t even have a memorable design to make up for it. It’s not a satisfying climax at all, so I want you to imagine dropping a new player in with THIS finale. Shooting a giant head that runs the whole thing is memorable. Shooting a thing that morphs into three bosses from an old spin-off of the actual game you’re playing is not.
This is the boilerplate Gradius game, only everything is different enough that it feels like an entirely fresh experience for veterans. This is a SEQUEL in all capital letters. That’s fine with me, and I imagine it’s fine with anyone who has read this far into Konami Shoot ‘Em Ups: The Definitive Review. I’m not entirely sure it’ll be fine for someone playing their first Gradius game. That’s why now I think I kind of understand why this never came out in America. This is not the kind of sequel that makes new fans. Not every amazing game is also an amazing jumping-in point for its franchise. While I genuinely think any fan of action games should be able to appreciate Gradius Gaiden for its amazing level design and enemies, realistically, it’s a tougher sell in a country that never really embraced the franchise to begin with. It’s a great game, but to genuinely be amazed by it probably requires preexisting knowledge.
I’m also a little disappointed that more wasn’t done for the after-game experience. After the hidden fairies in Jikkyou Oshaberi Parodius: Forever with Me, I was really hoping that something like that would be in Gradius Gaiden, and there isn’t. The junkyard level has two paths, each with a unique boss, and there’s a secret true final boss at the end of the boss rush that can only be fought during the game’s second cycle. But, after seeing those things, you’ve experienced everything Gradius Gaiden has to offer. Even though this is very deep into my marathon, I would have been game to find all the hidden content for Gaiden, something I didn’t want to do for Jikkyou Oshaberi Parodius. A shoot ’em up that leaves me hungry even after my fourth run through it is a true rarity in this feature. That’s why I consider Gradius Gaiden the best of the franchise, at least for me. Gradius II might be a literally perfect game and Gradius Gaiden isn’t, but Gradius Gaiden is the game I enjoyed the most in this entire feature. Verdict: YES! – $15 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Gradius IV: Fukkatsu Platform: Arcade Released February 4, 1999 Directed by Hiroyuki Ashida Developed by Konami Never Released Outside of Japan* NO MODERN RELEASE Wikis: Konami – Gradius
*Coin-op only. Included in various collections.
Oof. Those graphics didn’t age well.
My resident arcade expert Dave really doesn’t like Gradius IV and talked about it like it was programmed to be the entrance exam into Hell itself. That’s basically how I felt about the coin-op version of Gradius III, so I was prepared for the worst. Well, Dave and I are very, very far apart on our assessment of the fourth sequential Gradius game. I thought it was fine, and the biggest problems were ones typical of the era. Much like with Super Castlevania IV, I have a bonkers conspiracy theory related to this game and Gradius Gaiden, though I think this one is probably even more likely than my SCV4 “the eight way whipping was a last second addition” theory. Strap on your tinfoil hats for this one.
Actually, that doesn’t look too bad in screenshots. I didn’t say it ALL aged badly.
It’s not really a conspiracy so much as a weird suspicion about Gradius Gaiden. I think it was meant to be a very late-era Super NES game, which is why it barely got a bump in the audio/visual department when the project was moved to the 32-bit PlayStation. Oh, it’s almost certainly not true. Gradius Gaiden’s development cycle was well documented, but it’s fun to wonder, isn’t it? What makes it believable is Gaiden certainly isn’t trying to look “modern” by the standards of the late 90s, which is very strange for a home-exclusive 1997 PSX game. Gradius IV the first real Gradius of the polygon era, IE one designed entirely with graphics that were typical of the era. It shows, because it’s so clumsy with its handling of polygons and “advanced” visual effects that it ends up pretty damn cheesy. I’ve never thought of Gradius as a “cheesy” series, so the tonal shift is jarring. Like, there’s actual goddamn explosions during the game. As in live footage spliced into the game, and it doesn’t match the look of the game at all and it’s so distracting and wrong.
To the explosions’ credit, my family was cracking up so badly that I had tears pouring down my cheeks as I squeaked out “why would anyone do this?” Perhaps they’re playing 4D chess and this was a ploy to induce fits of laughter that would cause loss of lives, forcing faster game overs and thus earning the game more money. I’M ONTO YOU, KONAMI! But, they only have a handful of explosion effects too and it’s kind of funny that Konami thinks a giant space triops would explode in the same way that a space station does. Where it gets weirder is the first boss doesn’t have the live footage explosion when it dies. They made a different effect for it. It’s like someone on the development team was caught screwing around with a Video Toaster at their work station after the first level was complete and they said “that’s pretty cool! Let’s put it in the rest of the game!”
Dave had me thinking I was in for pure pain, but honestly, I thought this was a lot easier than some of the earlier versions of Gradius I played. The Moai stage was easily the hardest stage in the game, at least for me.
At the start of Gradius IV, I was worried that, because “cutting edge” graphics were the hook, the game would be full of repeated set-pieces and bosses, only now they’re polygons instead of sprites. I was right, to a certain extent. Like, the Moai stage’s new twists aren’t new at all. They break apart, just like the ones in Gradius Gaiden did, and the boss is the same two-headed giant Moai as before with a new attack pattern. The only fresh part of the whole thing is that it’s a 2D game with 3D graphics. Yippie. But, there are some really memorable segments. The lava level waves up and down and it’s so hypnotic when it happens that you wish you had more time to sit and admire just how breathtaking it is.
One of the best uses of the tried and true “tight squeeze” trope as well.
Actually, my biggest knock with Gradius IV is the lack of a nice BANG to the gunplay. There’s a feathery lightness to the whole thing that becomes especially pronounced during boss fights. They’re all a bit spongier than I care for to begin with, but they ALL lack a nice, satisfying snap to them when you land your shots. The worst by far was the new “armor-piercing” gun that’s the sixth and final loadout’s laser weapon. I do NOT recommend using it, but the other guns don’t do much better in the satisfaction department. Even something as simple as the “Konami Bing” or whatever that noise is that signals a landed shot in dozens of Konami games would have made all the difference in the world. It’s rare that I comment on sound design and music because I spent the majority of my play sessions with the game muted, but I thought Gradius IV had some of the worst sound design in the franchise.
At times, this can still be a damn beautiful game.
Okay, so the first polygonal Gradius that’s meant to be Gradius (that assuming we don’t count Solar Assault) was never fated to age as gracefully as other games in the series. But, let it be said that I’ll stand by Gradius IV as being not that bad, actually. Hell, I gave both the odd-numbered games in the series a NO! for their coin-ops so it’s only fitting that both even-numbered ones scored a YES! I really liked a lot of the boss designs and attack patterns. There were still plenty of twists to keep me interested from start to finish. A bizarre but absolutely true final note to end this review on: Gradius IV is easily the most generous in terms of the collision box. There were so many times I caught myself saying “how did I survive that?” Of course, a counter to that is I’m sure at least some of the sponginess was related to small collision boxes for the bosses, especially the Big Cores. I don’t want a re-release of Gradius IV. I want a full remake of it that fixes the crappy soundtrack and offers toggles for difficulty and collision. But, this is an underrated game. I’ll die on THAT hill, Dave. Verdict: YES! – $6 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Gradius Galaxies aka Gradius Advance (EU) Gradius Generation (JP) Released November 9, 2001 Designed by Hideaki Fukutome Developed by Mobile21 NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED Wikis: Konami – Gradius
OH MY GOD! LOOK AT THE LITTLE BABY LEGS ON THE ROBO-MOAI! HAHAHAHAHA!
Seriously, I laughed more at the GBA version of Gradius than I did at any Parodius game. I honestly couldn’t tell if it was serious or not. As the last original Gradius game in this feature, I mean, it’s fine. I guess. There’s no real stand-out set-piece, though not for a lack of effort. The problem is the “twists” are just kind of the same things they’ve already done, only framed differently. For the Moai stage, after a third of the stage being the normal, extremely tired Moai stage, they start to emerge from the ground like zombies. I mean, they’re just the same old Moai statues with the same evil ring bullets, but they, you know, come out of the ground. Or for the expected remake of the original level one Gradius stage, instead of the whole level being sucked into a black hole, a mountain falls off the ceiling.
We call this “fracking” on Earth. I have a funny story about that. “No, don’t tell them about that!” Angela pleads. Oh, I’m telling them. We were watching the Presidential debate in 2020 and the topic of fracking came up. “Fracking” does sound dirty, and there was no context for what it actually was in the debate. After a couple minutes of arguing about it, Angela, then 10 years old, asked with complete earnestness “is fracking a sex thing?” Our mother did the most Hollywood-perfect spit take. It was so cinematic. Of all the happy memories I have of my family, that’s the one that’ll be stuck in my head on my deathbed.
So there’s a large “been there, done that” vibe to Gradius Galaxies. It’s certainly not a bad game. I’m giving it a YES! and everything. But there’s also nothing really notable about it. Well, unless you play the Japanese version. Exclusive to Gradius Generation, when you beat the game, you unlock a challenge mode that made me sit up in my seat. For about twenty seconds, until I realized what it was.
This could have been so cool. Alas.
It’s exactly the same game you just already played, broken into forty-seven bite-sized chunks. As in, thirty or less seconds per challenge. Challenge A is roughly equal to the game on NORMAL, and after finishing every single stage, Challenge B is unlocked which contains the same challenges set on HARD. It’s sort of like Gradius meets WarioWare, and it is challenging, because you start each segment from scratch with no speed or gun boosts. The problem is that they created a “challenge” for seemingly every square-inch of the game, when not every square-inch of the game is suitable for such a challenge. Like, there’s a challenge for each buffer-zone between levels that ends at exactly the point the stage would be starting proper. If they had limited this concept to just the bosses and the big set-pieces, and maybe put a worthwhile reward for completing it, like a new ship or even a new level, hell, this could have been the best feature in Gradius history. Instead, it’s almost entirely busy work, and you need to beat all forty-seven of them to unlock the much meatier Challenge B.
When the challenges work, they’re pretty dang good. But less than half are any fun.
Make no mistake: there’s some damn good gameplay in this challenge section. I’d reached the point where I wasn’t dying a ton in Gradius games and nearly aced the game. When playing the main mode, I only really died in the speed zone (which got me several times). These challenges reminded me how hard the game is when you don’t have a full loadout. It just doesn’t work because they overdid it. Well, their hearts were in the right place, I suppose. It’s rare enough to complain about bonus content missing the mark, because this is bonus content. But this would have been a lot more welcome in one of the better Gradius games. I don’t even know if I would have complained about the oversaturation of challenge stages if this had been a feature in Gradius Gaiden. For Galaxies, hell, not a single boss is among the elite of the Gradius franchise. It’s just north of the middle of the road. Not a disaster, but nothing special. If nothing else, it’s proof that Gradius is pretty hard to screw-up. Verdict: YES! – $3 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
PLAYSTATION PORTABLE COLLECTIONS
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There’s four collections of Konami shoot ’em ups for the PSP, and at first, I was going to play through every game in them, but honestly, it’s overkill. TwinBee Portable offers a Tate Mode for its games, which is nice, I suppose. The more interesting builds are Gradius Collection and Parodius Portable, which reworked the games to be wide-screen. That’s not the blessing you think. Maybe some day I’ll talk about them, but I don’t think they’re likely to get a re-release. At the time these were released, they didn’t get the best reception because the PSP was not suitable for shmups with its crappy D-pad and crappier little analog nub. Thankfully, I got to play these with the comfort of a PS5 controller. Anyway, there’s two MSX remakes and one Game Boy remake spread among the four collections, which felt like a great way to cap off this feature. Enjoy!
Parodius Remake of Parodius for MSX Part of Parodius Portable Platform: PlayStation Portable Released January 25, 2007 Developed by Konami Never Released Outside of Japan NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED Wikis: Konami – Gradius
The game design of the MSX original is fully intact, for better and for worse.
The first of three PSP remakes contained within collections I played, and I had the highest hopes for this one. The other two remakes that I’ll be giving the full review treatment for already got a YES! but Parodius for MSX I’ve already given NO! to twice before. I was hoping the gameplay would be improved, and to a degree, it is. The slice-scrolling of the MSX original is gone, replaced with the expected smooth scrolling. Plus, the game runs in widescreen. REAL wide-screen. No stretching here. So, the remake of the original Parodius is a rousing success then? Well, no.
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The problem with the Parodius remake is it’s still the same game, with the same rules, as the MSX version. What was spongy then is spongy now. What takes forever then takes forever now. While the boss attached to the rope was easier to defeat because the hit box seems more accurate (and the hit boxes can apparently be adjusted in the options menu), other bosses were every bit as miserable to fight as they were on the previous build. The giant Moai took forever. The twin maids took forever. The giant eyeball took forever. The part of the game where the ceiling collapses took forever. Plus, they stuck to the original game’s format, so all five characters are just skins that all have the same potential weapons and upgrades. I’m SO disappointed because they had an opportunity to vastly clean up a game that wasn’t very fun to begin with and they didn’t take it. The gameplay is better because the scrolling is better, but the original Parodius is still a badly designed game, and I’m glad to be done with it for good now. Verdict: NO!
TwinBee Da! Remake of Pop’n TwinBee for Game Boy Part of TwinBee Portable Platform: PlayStation Portable Released January 25, 2007 Developed by Konami Never Released Outside of Japan NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED Wikis: Konami – TwinBee
Well, this is much better than the Parodius remake.
Following Parodius Portable’s remake of the original MSX game, my expectations for the remake of the Game Boy version of Pop’n TwinBee were pretty low. I expected, more or less, the same game with sharper sprites and color. While that’s technically what I got, TwinBee Da! on PSP is so damn good that it makes Parodius retroactively worse. It’s so good that we suspect they might have used the original development notes and figured out where mechanics and enemy attack formations had to be cut due to the limitations of the Game Boy. You could even call this Pop’n TwinBee: Arcade Edition. Remember how you threw whole clusters of bombs in the early TwinBee coin-ops? That’s back! Actually, I don’t think the bombing mechanic has ever felt better.
The boss rush sequence of the Game Boy original puts up a MAJOR fight in this one. This was not a cakewalk.
It’s also much, much harder than the Game Boy original was, because there’s just so much flying around the screen. Yet, the graphics are so damn crisp and vibrant that it never becomes too busy to follow the action. It’s still a short game at only five levels plus a grand finale boss fight. Except, the weakness of the Game Boy game is now a major strength in the remake. The boss rush that caps off what is now the fourth level was fairly weak in the original build. In this one, not only do the colors and reworked sprites make the bosses feel less generic, but they actually put up quite the fight. I even ate a GAME OVER during this sequence. And the final boss was a major pain in the ass too. But, the strength of the well-designed levels carries over to the boss rush. There’s no downtime in this TwinBee. It’s short but potently fun from start to finish.
What had been a let-down of a finale on the Game Boy is now the chef’s kiss in the remake.
I can’t stress enough how impressed I am with the entire direction of the Pop’n TwinBee remake. It’s one of the best looking games in the series, easily. You would never guess this started life as a Game Boy title. But it has perfect, even generous collision detection while maintaining a fast pace and a lot of action. Nobody would have possibly expected this in a collection like this, and the fact that it’s part of a collection really makes this a kick in the pants. Of all the “lost” gems in this feature, this one might shine the brightest, yet it’s treated like a throwaway +1 for a collection. If Konami ever does another collection, HOPEFULLY they don’t forget this one. Verdict: YES! – $7 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection
Gradius 2 Remake of Gradius 2 for MSX Part of Salamander Portable Platform: PlayStation Portable Released January 25, 2007 Developed by Konami Never Released Outside of Japan NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED Wikis: Konami – Gradius
Hmmph. Total letdown after TwinBee.
Hmmph. Total letdown after TwinBee.
Welp, this is it. The final-final-final game of Konami Shoot ‘Em Ups: The Definitive Review. You’ve reached the end. Hope you enjoyed it. I wish I had ended on TwinBee, because this remake of Gradius 2 for the MSX is not a major step-up over the original. Actually, I’m pretty sure this is what the game would have been if it had been made for the MSX2+. If the MSX2+ was, you know, wide-screen. The graphics are marginally improved and scrolling is marginally smoother. However, there’s still a TON of slowdown. It’s certainly preferable to play this build over the MSX one because smoother scrolling helps with immersion. BUT, if this isn’t an option, you’re not missing out on anything, really. Kind of a letdown for a final review after everything above, really. Verdict: YES! – $6 in value added to Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection BUT only if the MSX build isn’t in it. If it is, then this is $2 in bonus value.
FINAL TOTAL
YES!:52 NO!:24 Target Value: $60 – $70 Total Value: $292
And that final total is before factoring in any bonus value, including the automatic $10 in bonus value for a nearly fully-loaded Infinity Gauntlet of Emulation. Now, of course my hypothetical Konami Shoot ‘Em Up Collection is never going to happen. So, let’s play around with some combinations, shall we?
The obvious one is Gradius Origins, which will retail for $39.99. Now, I haven’t played it yet, but I’m projecting a value of, drum roll: $15. Actually, that goes up to $25 with its fully-loaded Infinity Gauntlet and it might even get another $5 to $10 from its galleries and bonus features, and Salamander 3 is eligible for up to $15 in value. Keep in mind that, in previous features like Making of Karateka or Tetris Forever, I always noted that if you’re not into old advertisements or box art, you can ignore the bonus value I add for that. And even if you don’t ignore it, the total value still comes short of $40. It’ll need a big YES! from Salamander 3 or it’ll need to earn bonus value from the prototypes, which can earn a little value even if they get a NO! Still, only a single game in it got a YES!, and that’s Gradius II. Gradius I, Gradius III, and both Salamander games got a NO!, so having multiple versions of them ain’t going to help all that much. Having used rewind and save states, the NO! games are not saved by those features. They’re just not aged well enough. Now, the collection will get discounted if Konami’s other collections are any indication (Arcade Anniversary is priced at $7.99 as I type this, but scored an actual retail value of $29). Gradius II *is* worth owning, and hell, if it’s cheap enough, you might as well get the other games.
But what if Gradius Origins had more? Let’s go back to just the $15 we know I’m giving Gradius II and the likely $10 for the emulation, so $25 in value. Let’s add JUST the NES Gradius games and Life Force. That’s +$10 in value just by those three additions for $35, but with the bonus value of the special features, it likely makes it to $40 in value. Doesn’t that by itself make Gradius Origins look pretty silly? Or, forget the NES games. Let’s add JUST the MSX trilogy and MSX Salamander. Salamander got a NO!, but the three Gradius games earned a YES! and a whopping $19 in value, bringing the total to $44 and a victory for Gradius Origins. Hell, let’s really go nuts! What if the collection had all the Gradius and Salamander ports I covered up to Gradius III? $15 for Gradius 2, $10 for the emulation, $10 for the NES games, $19 for the MSX games, $10 for the Game Boy titles, $22 for the PC Engine games, and $6 for Gradius III SNES. Total: $92.
Now, here’s where it gets REALLY damning. Let’s ignore every single home port and pretend that Gradius Origins went to IV instead of III. That’s $31 in value. Okay, still not quite enough, but what if it had Gaiden instead of IV? That’s $40 and a victory. The same goes for putting Solar Assault instead of Gaiden. Now, what if it had all three of those games? That’s probably the most believable alternative package I could come up with. Gradius Origins + Gaiden + IV + Solar Assault = $61 and a win. Remove Gaiden because it’s a home exclusive? Fine, it’s still a winner at $46. Do you see why I’m so frustrated? They had paths to make this happen.
Just for fun, what if Gradius Origins had included zero arcade games? What if it had been focused on 8-bit consoles, including the MSX? Well, it wouldn’t be called “Gradius Origins” then. Let’s call this set Konami Home Origins, and we’ll say it has the NES, MSX, and Game Boy games from this feature. That set would contain twenty-two games valued at $70, before any bonuses are added. Wowie!
Imagine if they could get the Salamander anime as a special feature.
All Gradius & Salamander games earned a total of $93. The total value of TwinBee games in this feature was $32. Parodius earned $47 as a franchise ($29 of that from versions of Parodius Da! by itself), while Thunder Cross, which apparently includes Space Manbow, earned $27.
Five games earned the max $15 value: Gradius II Arcade, Gradius II for Super CD-ROM², Xexex, Gradius Gaiden, and Solar Assault. Three other games earned $10 or more: Thunder Cross, the third MSX Gradius game, and Space Manbow. And this really means nothing in the grand scheme of things, but the two games based on licensed IPs, Aliens and G.I. Joe, earned $10 in value.
Having the Super Game Boy/Game Boy Color options for the GB games would probably get $1 in bonus value. These things are so hard to predict. It really depends on how many essential features are missing, because if they add the GBC filters but not things like quick save? I’m not going to be in a generous mood.
The total value of all thirty-four coin-ops in this feature was $125. The NES/Famicom/Famicom Disk games are worth $25. The MSX games + Super Manbow for MSX2+ scored $29 in value. The PC Engine games along with Gradius II for the Super CD-ROM² earned $27. The original black & white Game Boy titles earned $16, which is $19 if you throw-in the GBA Gradius. The Super NES games are $22, while the PlayStation titles scored $28.
Gradius II for the Super CD-ROM² is the big winner among classic platforms and one of only two home console games in this feature to score the max $15, along with Gradius Gaiden. My congratulations to PC Engine fans. Shame on you Konami for not doing more with this platform.
Twenty-one of the games I reviewed have been released on Arcade Archives. Those cost $7.99 each, so the total value should be $167.79. The actual value? I swear, I didn’t plan this out but it’s perfect: $67. Wow. I mean, come on, that IS funny. And in fairness, those would get a lot more consideration than this review gave them due to special features. Titles like Time Pilot certainly benefit from Arcade Archives’ high score and 5 minute modes. Games on Nintendo Switch Online scored $10.
Meanwhile, twenty of the games have never been re-released, and they earned $82 in value. That’s sad. Thirty games were filed under NO MODERN RELEASE, and those games earned $133. Lots of money left on the table. In short: DO BETTER, KONAMI!
THE END
To my amazing family, to all my friends, and to every single reader I’ve had over the last fourteen years: thank you so much for putting up with me. I know I’m often annoying and I’ve given you many sleepless nights. But, please don’t ever forget that I love you all! I mean that, from the bottom of my heart, which is apparently where all the love must be located since everyone who especially loves people cites their love comes from their heart’s bottom. I would think coming from the top would be better because it means your love traveled less distance, as if you wanted them to feel it faster, but whatever. I’ve tried to think of what I could possibly say that would express the heartfelt love I feel for you all, and this is the best I came up with: you all make me want to find the best version of myself.
You’re still here? Huh.
Okay, well, fine. Here’s my thoughts on the wide-screen versions of PSP’s games.
Arcade
PSP
When I saw that Gradius Collection and Parodius Portable had true, reworked wide-screen, I became really excited. But, the problem with wide-screen gameplay is that the games weren’t built for it. They might have adjusted the size of the playfield, but they didn’t make any adjustments to the enemies for it. Every single attack pattern that was presumably fine-tuned for the original dimensions of the arcade or television monitors at the time is cut and pasted. Consequently, some tight squeezes or sections built around claustrophobia are actually less exciting. Sometimes significantly so.
This was probably my least favorite level of Gradius II, and it’s still one of the better crumble-wall levels. But, the sense of tightness is gone. It’s just not as good. By the way, there’s STILL slowdown in this version, only it doesn’t feel the same as previous versions of slowdown. If I didn’t know better, I’d say they added it artificially because it was originally there. Parodius Da! doesn’t have it.
Weirdly, they did make SOME adjustments to the bosses, but it’s never to the benefit of the fight. The giant female Moai statue that spits out Moai missiles? The gag with her (poor choice of words) is that her missiles reach the full length of the screen. Hold on, wait a second. The whole point of that fight was it’s built around REALLY close calls. So what happens when the screen is much bigger? Well, this happens:
Now a boss that was built specifically around narrow safe spaces to dodge the attacks has a great big gap between the edge of the screen and the launching point of the projectiles. Well, that boss is ruined. It turns out, you can’t just keep the same attacks on a wide-screen. I actually laughed when I saw that the solution Gradius II had for this was to just position some of the bosses more in the center of the screen, like so:
But, some bosses are still ruined because the logic of the fights no longer makes any sense. I can’t stress enough that Gradius bosses are almost entirely built around limiting your available space to dodge attacks. On the left is the Super CD-ROM² version of Gradius II’s second boss. On the right is the PSP. Does this look like there’s still limited room to dodge its attacks?
Super CD-ROM²
PSP
That’s just too much playfield for a boss that still has the same attack pattern. It doesn’t work at all. It’s not all a disaster. The Parodius games have little to no slowdown, but who cares when many of the set-pieces and bosses are completely destroyed by the wide-screen format? There’s segments of some stages that do work slightly better in both Gradius and for Parodius. But for the most part, this was actually a pretty epic disaster. The famous electric cage? Dead. Like, dead-dead. Here’s the Parodius version of it:
Look at all the extra space to move around.
This is the equivalent of when an old television series with a 4:3 aspect is “enhanced” for modern TVs and that ruins the experience because now you can see ceiling lights and boom mics. There’s a reason why this type of thing isn’t commonplace with retro re-releases: it just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. This doesn’t count for the reviews above, but I would actually give every game in Gradius Collection and Parodius Portable a NO! They’re some of the best games ever made, only formatted in a ruinous way. If they ever do something like this again, they can’t simply copy and paste the old games. They have to be entirely remastered, with new logic, or they won’t work.
And now you’ve reached the end. Thank you for fourteen amazing years, and here’s to the next fourteen! I hope you enjoyed Konami Shoot ‘Em Ups: The Definitive Review!
Abadox: The Deadly Inner War Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System Released December 15, 1989 Directed by Atsushi Okazaki Developed by Natsume Published by Milton Bradley NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED
If you fly into a giant humanoid, does it count as a french kiss?
Over the last few months, I’ve been putting together Konami Shoot ‘Em Ups: The Definitive Review. It’s coming VERY soon to Indie Gamer Chick and features seventy-six reviews for games in the genre that, in many ways, defined Konami. I’ve finished writing the reviews and I’m just editing the feature, but apparently I really like the genre, because I’m still “working it out of my system.” So, how about a shmup that isn’t made by Konami but feels like it could be? Part of those feelings is probably because Abadox features sound from the same sound guy who did the NES version of Contra! So that’s neat, and also, if you play the Japanese version, there’s digital boobs. If you’re into that.
Sorry, I have to censor. It’s kind of funny that there’s actual nudity in some unlicensed American NES games, but they were so rare that they’re prized collectors items today despite being terrible games. Abadox has the same amount of boobs, but with actual good gameplay. I guess if you wanted nudity in quality games during the era, you should have moved to Japan.
Abadox has you flying through a giant alien, blowing up its organs. If that sounds a lot like Salamander/Life Force, just wait! Because this also mixes traditional “scroll right” shmup gameplay with vertical gameplay, just like the Konami classic that I recently realized I didn’t really like anywhere near as much as I liked the mainline Gradius series proper. What makes Abadox stand out is, for the vertical stages, you don’t scroll upward, but rather downward, like you’re falling. It’s awkward and certainly takes getting used to. But, once you adjust to the angles, it’s not that bad, actually. A little cramped, maybe.
Please don’t ask what organ this is supposed to be that you’re fighting.
Like the coin-op Salamander, there’s no item bar for this one. Instead there’s four different capsule drops that increase your speed, give you missiles, provide you with a shield, or equip a lethal barrier around you. Grabbing additional capsules before losing the previous ones boosts the effect, giving you up to four of the spinning barrier items or making your missiles heat-seeking. Meanwhile, the guns are where this REALLY gets uncomfortably close to Life Force/Gradius, as one of the guns is a very Gradius-like laser and another shoots rings. It’s sort of amazing how shameless it is.
That looks like a tumor to me. Are we SURE we’re killing a gigantic alien parasite and not, you know, curing it?
You’ve probably noticed the bosses have some freaky ass designs. Well, they’re probably the highlight of the game. I say “probably” because they’re also a huge pain in the ass for me thanks to the fact that they do a full-screen strobe effect every time you land a shot. In order to beat the bosses, I sort of had to position myself in the right spot, fire a shot to make sure I was lined-up right, then auto-fire my bullets into them while not looking at the screen and hope I survived its counterattacks. For what it’s worth, none of the bosses took more than a couple seconds to defeat, except the very last one. The one that spawns the naked chick has a very narrow opening to shoot. Once it’s defeated, the game ends in a speed tunnel that sees you dodging barriers. Hey, just like Life Force/Salamander! Fancy that!
Okay, so Abadox shamelessly rips off Konami and Salamander, but honestly, I thought this was a LOT better than any of those games were. For starters, it does a lot better job of selling the idea that you’re fighting a gigantic evil alien organism from the inside. The level design and bosses are significantly more imaginative, and the structure of splitting levels into two parts makes the sense of progress feel much more satisfying. Having the six levels split into two parts also allows for faster changes of the level themes, so there’s more sights to see. AND it doubles the game’s boss count from six to twelve. Since none of the bosses are slogs, this is presumably a good thing.
Really, these are boilerplate challenges for 1989, but they’re dressed-up well for an NES game.
Okay, so the sprite for your “ship” is a little large and occasionally that makes it harder to dodge (especially on the side-scrolling levels). But the controls are perfect, the collision is solid and even the basic enemies and obstacles are enjoyable enough to battle. Hell, I think it even handles the speed-ups better than most any Konami title I’ve played. Despite Abadox functionally containing twelve shorter levels, it never feels padded. Honestly, this is one of the best 8-bit shmups I’ve played over the last few months, and as a reminder, I’ve spent those months mostly playing shmups. Had I not known this was by Natsume and I just booted Abadox up and played it without checking, I would have assumed this was a Konami game, and an elite one at that. Fine, maybe it’s a rip-off, but it’s one of the greatest rip-offs in gaming history. Verdict: YES!
What games are featured in Konami Shoot ‘Em Ups: The Definitive Review, publishing later this month at Indie Gamer Chick?
Aliens Platform: Arcade Released January, 1990 Directed by Satoru Okamoto Developed by Konami NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED
Thank you to TJ, my Aliens-obsessed nephew, for being my playing partner with this. And whining the entire time that these models are non-canon, but hey, that’s why I love you, kiddo.
1990’s Aliens coin-op is the answer to a depressing trivia question: what is the highest profile Konami arcade game to never get any form of a home release at all? Even the Simpsons got sh*tty ports for Commodore and DOS computers long before it had a brief-but-famous run on Xbox Live Arcade and PlayStation Network. Aliens didn’t get that. It got NOTHING. It’s thirty-five years later and it’s almost forgotten completely. It’s not even a historic curio. Aliens is a non-relevant non-entity in the annals of gaming, which is kind crazy given the fact that’s it’s a f*cking ALIENS game made by Konami during their prime as an arcade developer. It’s not subject to glowing editorials. It almost never seems to come up in casual conversation on social media. That’s strange, because it’s not a sh*t game by any means. It’s damn hard and often unfair, but actually, it sort of feels like it should be exactly the type of game that gains new life via MAME. That hasn’t happened, either. So, what gives?
The Japanese build does NOT have these third-person sequences that are the low points of the game anyway. There’s also two American versions, one of which is apparently so difficult that the EASY dip switch is equal to the Japanese HARD setting. I assumed that’s the version TJ and I played, but apparently the infamous “brutal” version has no health refills, and the version we played did. Those health refills gave you maybe a couple points back at most. This is NOT Ninja Turtles to say the least. Oh, and in these segments, you have to press the button every time you want to fire. In the side-scrolling sections, you can hold the button down. These stages were exhausting, flow-breaking, and boring. What were they thinking?
Aliens is worth playing. Like, seriously, this is a decent game that’s cut from the same cloth as G.I. Joe: completely mindless, inelegant mayhem that could never last past the twenty-to-thirty minute runtime, but it’s so damn charming. It also captures the spirit of the property, which makes for effective gaming junk food. Aliens is a run & gun that walks like a brawler, literally because you’re just walking slowly instead of running. Take the Ninja Turtles or Simpsons coin-ops from Konami and replace the fisticuffs with a machine gun that has unlimited ammo. BAM, Aliens. It’s not elegant at all. You have two options for combat: shoot or duck and shoot. There’s mostly no real patterns to the enemies and, even if there is, they cheat the patterns anyway. At one point, a boss was ricocheting off the wall. A gaming trope as old as time, only it changed its angle suddenly and darted right into TJ. It was so shamelessly cheap that even TJ, the most chill, easy-going kid I’ve ever known, screamed “oh come on!” before we both laughed. Of course, if we had paid a quarter for that life in a 1990 arcade, it might not have been so funny.
While writing Konami Shoot ‘Em Ups: The Definitive Review, I’ve been surprised several times by how generous a game is with item drops. Aliens is most certainly not generous. Weapon drops are very, very rare. It makes co-op a bit of a drag because it never drops enough items for both players. The weapons also cycle between a missile launcher that slaps, a three way shot that doesn’t, and a flamethrower which works wonderfully. But the lack of generosity makes them a tease.
So yea, co-op can be repetitive thanks to the limited items. The default machine gun is okay but not amazing, but the game is too stingy with the fun stuff. There’s also only one of the exo-suits both times the game presents it, even though the last boss REQUIRES you to use it. When cooperative games do this, it feels like a lonely developer’s sinister plot to end friendships and tear apart families. Thankfully, TJ listened to Aunt Cathy when she said “I’m going to let you pick up the item, but let the thing change to something else first so I can see what it is!” See, unlike most games I review, I decided to play this once co-op, and once only. Once was enough, and we discovered that, in other ROMs, you have to mash the fire button instead of holding it down in the side-scrolling sections. That would change Aliens from stupid fun to just stupid.
Some of the bosses you turn and shoot the background, but the encounter with the Alien Queen (which this actually isn’t the LAST boss) is done from the side and a bit too spongy.
Aliens is already empty-calories gaming, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Despite the comparisons to Ninja Turtles, Aliens has far more in common with another 90s licensed Konami coin-op: 1992’s G.I. Joe, which I’ve previously reviewed and played again for Konami Shoot ‘Em Ups: The Definitive Review. Both are short, shamelessly cheap, but manage to be fun despite themselves. Aliens doesn’t pretend to play fair and is instead based around having a short but length with some excellent sprite work and gameplay that provides just enough of a good time that two players hanging out at an arcade might very well spring for a full playthrough. I’d guesstimate that would cost around five bucks worth of quarters each if you didn’t adjust the dip switches. Do you want to know why Aliens never came home? It’s not because the shadow of Capcom’s Alien vs. Predator looms large. No, it’s because arcades might need games like Aliens. Consoles don’t. That’s also why G.I. Joe never came home. Don’t get me wrong: Aliens is a LOT stronger game than G.I. Joe. Better sights. Better combat. Better variety of enemies. Better bosses, but cursed for the same reasons: Konami’s Aliens is more shallow than the plot for Alien Resurrection. Okay, maybe not that shallow but you get my point. Verdict: YES!
Imagine the OG pack-in Combat if it had active environmental hazards. Oh, and it was a LOT faster paced. And the map changed after every point. And the vehicle changed after every point. And the….. you know what? Screw it. Don’t imagine Combat. This is very different, actually. Your first impression will be “Updated Combat” but that’s just not the case.
When it comes to reviewing multiplayer-focused games, getting the players isn’t the worst part. Eventually, I can get my family to give me some time with just about any game. The big problem is parity. I just don’t have anyone around me who can match me on some genres. When I did Tetris Battle Gaiden as part of Tetris Forever, I had such an experience advantage over every possible opponent I could muster that I couldn’t really figure out how balanced the game was for anyone else. I had to watch my father and nephew duel in order to finish the review. This is the peril of indie developers making multiplayer-focused games. Unless the game is suitable for all skill levels out of the box, with either NO learning curve or one that gives someone new to gaming a fighting chance against a seasoned gamer, even getting optimal coverage from critics is going to be a pain in the ass. And that’s to say nothing about what the experience will be like for your actual consumers. The reason I bring that up is everyone who plays Oh Shoot should be, more less, on equal footing regardless of experience, even though it’s a modern Atari 2600 game.
Without the ability to shoot in any direction but straight ahead, you might find a situation where both players camp behind the scenery. Even with this “problem” I don’t know why on Earth there’s a toggle that allows bullets to pass through scenery.
My playing partners/opponents were my senior citizen father and TJ, my middle school aged nephew, who isn’t into Atari games. As stated in the first caption, this is NOT Combat. You can only shoot straight in front of you, and even when you specifically select slow movement, this is faster than, say, the tanks in Combat. We tinkered around with the different two player modes and agreed that the best mode was mode 10: fast/manual with FX turned on, which makes the environment change in the middle of shooting. We also turned off the ability to shoot through things, which I recommend because otherwise the game is just insanely boring. I don’t even know why that’s something that can be toggled on and off. With it turned on, players aren’t incentivized to use strategy. Just lob bullets from the other side of the screen with no regard for the setting except not to crash into it. With it turned off, Oh Shoot makes for a pretty solid competitive game.
If I could suggest one additional rule for Oh Shoot, which presumably I can since the game is not out yet, it would be to add the rule “regardless of the score, players must win via a bullet and not by deliberately crashing into the other player.” Or actually, just make it so the person winning must survive the winning round. Once we knew what we were doing, too often the games ended by the person (mostly TJ, the little dweeb) who built up a lead no longer trying to score the kill the “right way” and instead just look for any opening to crash into the other player, which gives BOTH players a point. First to 20 wins. I don’t even know if our idea is programmable on the 2600. That’s why they’re the game makers and I’m the game review writing person.
The hook, besides the active environments that shift, warp, or retract, is that there’s a pool of 1,024 different screens that are randomly chosen and change after a kill is scored. So every point is a fresh experience, with players being reset to their side of the screen for a new map. When I played my father in Combat, there was almost always a stretch where one person would score a few shots in a row before the person could even get away. That’s not the case here. You’re also assigned a random vehicle, which is not just a skin. The helicopters shoot in straight lines and their bullets don’t travel the full length of the screen. The jets shoot the full length of the screen AND their bullets can be aimed by moving up and down after you shoot. The UFOs can also be aimed but their bullets travel in a small wave. Finally the things that look like TIE Fighters shoot bullets that travel in a big, chaotic wave. And both players don’t always get the same ship, so luck probably does factor in a little too much sometimes.
Some rounds ended immediately when one or both of us flew into the scenery as it spawned.
Oh Shoot is probably not going to be a game that we pull out during family rec time. TJ wasn’t especially interested in it, but in fairness, he’s like that with 99% of games for anything before the PS4. When I was his age, I would have been exactly the same way with Atari. I don’t think he would have played this at all in most circumstances. Thankfully, he IS into Aliens, Predator, and Aliens vs. Predator. And that’s how I got him to play this. A couple weeks ago, he was my co-op partner for the 1990 Konami Aliens. When we finished, I told him about the Capcom AvP brawler, and today he asked to play that. I asked him “before we do that, can I get about fifteen minutes on an Atari game I have to play for IGC?” Well, I didn’t get fifteen minutes. He gave me almost three times that. Mostly because he whooped us, but that’s beside the point. Sure, he spent most of that time complaining that he could only shoot straight ahead, but he also slaughtered us. Actually, he came back in one down 13 to 7 and won 15 to 20, and I only got those last two points because he decided the best way to win was just to crash into me. He’s evil.
This is incredibly nit-picky but there might actually be too many options. Like, there’s the ability for the ships to move forward automatically. We didn’t like that at all. I really wish Phillip would have focused on optimizing a handful of modes instead of seemingly trying to cover every possible house rule imaginable.
What TJ didn’t know during our first round was this wasn’t a game from the 1970s. “You just played an Atari game that isn’t even out yet! You’re one of the first to play the full version of it, in fact!” His reply summed it up better than this review ever could. “It’s cool that they still make Atari games.” It is cool! TJ wasn’t Oh Shoot’s target audience, and frankly, neither am I. And actually my father said he liked Combat with Pong bullets a lot more than Oh Shoot. Probably because he actually wins rounds of that, and he didn’t win a single round of this. I thought Oh Shoot was fine. Not mind blowing, but for what it is, this was an enjoyable waste of a morning. I wasn’t ever going to be blown away by it. Well, I was blown away dozens of times playing it in the literal sense but that’s obviously not what I meant. I didn’t grow up with an Atari 2600. It holds very little in the way of nostalgia for me, so it’s not like I’m longing for a game like Oh Shoot. For my generation, there’s always a hint of a novelty to the Atari 2600, which is probably multiplied by playing a new game built today for it.
Missed ’em by THIS much. I will say that if one player had the jet and the other had anything else, most of the time the player with the jet was scoring the point.
At the same time, I’ve heard plenty about what a pain in the ass the Video Computer System is to program for and I get why someone would do that. Asking why anyone would make games for the Atari 2600 today is like asking George Mallory why he would try to climb Mt. Everest. “Because it’s there!” Yeah! Because it’s there! In that sense, it might not even matter if the game is fun or not. The experience is the point. The novelty of a new Atari game is the point. If that game happens to be fun, that’s a bonus. Oh Shoot is fun, for everyone. A kid who can count his experiences playing Atari 2600 games on one hand and still have fingers left over slaughtered us, and apparently not just so he could get to the game he actually wanted to play faster. Would I want to play it again? Probably not, because I’m not specifically into Atari two player shooting games. But, is it worth playing? Yeah. Why? Because it’s cool that quality games are still being made for the Atari 2600. Because it’s fun. Because it’s there. Verdict: YES! Try the Demo
A review copy was supplied for this review. I mean, obviously. The game isn’t out yet, but I forgot to put that the first time.
The Legendary Axe aka Makyō Densetsu Platform: TurboGrafx-16 Released September 23, 1988 (JP) August 29, 1989 (US) Designed by Tokuhiro Takemori and Keisuke Abe Developed by Victor Musical Industries Published by NEC (US) NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED
You’re going to notice a LOT of straight line levels in screenshots of this game that took home actual Game of the Year awards the year I was born.
It was pretty stunning that Legendary Axe wasn’t included in the TurboGrafx-16/PC Engine Minis. It’s probably the most high profile game that was left out of the lineup, and hell, it never even got a Virtual Console release on the Wii either. What makes that strange is that Legendary Axe won a lot of awards and was even named 1989’s Game of the Year by some publications. How did that happen? I’m going to take a stab in the dark and guess it’s because the check cleared? (shrug) I literally cannot believe a group of people who play video games for a living collectively decided that this was better than any other game they played that year unless they were paid to say it. The only other option is that group of people was so impressed by the smallest hint of an audio-visual upgrade over the NES that they have probably since perished from sensory overload when they saw the PlayStation’s loading screen for the first time.
Woo hoo! More straight line level design! You know, I think a jump is going to happen soon. Whoa, slow down, buddy. A jump? You don’t want to overwhelm people. Keep it straight and slow.
But the accolades kept coming years after the fact. Electronic Gaming Monthly named it the 80th best video game ever made in 1997. How did THAT happen? I assume that list was compiled by people who played exactly eighty video games in their lives. Seriously, you guys could only find seventy-nine better video games than this? Really? Or were you so embarrassed that you once named this TurboGrafx-16 game of the year instead of Alien Crush that you just went along with naming it a top 100 game ever as some kind of weird sunk cost fallacy? I found the list and, besides sports games like MLB 98 (hell, even I named NBA 2K1 on the Dreamcast to my original top 10 all-time list in 2012), I cannot stress enough how much Legendary Axe sticks out like a sore thumb among other games on it. This ahead of Bonk’s Adventure? Are you kidding me? Ms. Pac-Man? Oh come on!
As far as I could tell, this is the only thing in the game that feels like a kind of 1989ish level of gaming evolution. It’s a key that opens up a handful of extra health refills and an attack meter increase. It’s like they knew they had to do more than the straight line, but that was too hard so, after programming this, they said “alright, now it’s a ‘real’ game. Back to the straight lines!”
It’s not that Legendary Axe is bad. I mean, it is, but mostly because it’s boring by design and the object of game development is to create a means of escaping boredom, not causing more of it. At best, it’s a run-of-the-mill flat arcade-like combative game. But even those types of games normally had evolved well past gameplay this rudimentary by 1989. This feels like an NES game from two or three years earlier, only with SLIGHTLY updated 8-bit visuals. I just reviewed Cadash in Taito Milestones 3: The Definitive Review. That was another 1989 release that feels like THIS specific genre. That arcade platforming/hack ’em up genre, only that was so much more ambitious than this. Legendary Axe is so BASIC that it’s a nothingburger of a game. This should not have felt like a big deal even in 1989. So what gives?
The final level of the game? Straight lines, but fashioned like a maze. I genuinely can’t believe anyone of any era would give it any award except “most generic” and “most walking in a straight line” and “most time spent waiting around for your weapon to charge-up.” I checked. There aren’t awards for those things except “most generic” only it’s instead called “The Golden Globe for Best Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy” and it’s reserved for movies.
In Legendary Axe, you mostly walk in straight lines and swing your axe at enemies. Occasionally you have to jump over a pit or swing on a vine, but the overwhelming majority of the game is walking in a straight line and fighting spongy enemies with very basic attack patterns. When a game plays out like that, the combat better be phenomenal. Legendary Axe’s is not. Actually, it’s pretty dull in design logic and amateurish in execution. From an execution point of view, collision detection is terrible. Your own box seems to grow by quite a lot when you swing your weapon. Since it’s literally the only form of attack, with no sub-weapons or items helping you, you’ll spend a lot of time getting smacked by enemies who didn’t even come close to having their sprites hit your sprite. Maybe they have REALLY bad breath or something?
This brief section in the third stage is the game’s platforming at its most complicated. Sometimes you have to jump to a higher series of platforms, but that’s fairly rare. There’s no moving platforms and, at most, you have to time a jump after a fireball or enemies has flown up from the pit you’re crossing. There’s just no imagination at all in Legendary Axe outside the final boss. It’s a remarkably uninspired game. Sadly, some decent jumping physics go to waste.
From a logical point of view, Legendary Axe is a game that forces players to spend a lot of time waiting around. The gimmick is your axe has a meter that empties every time you swing it, and a full-powered swing takes a while to charge up. Just mashing the attack button does hardly any damage at all, and so you’re highly incentivized to wait for the axe to charge-up at least half-way. As you go along, enemies become spongier and spongier, but you’ll eventually be able to locate four upgrades to the meter’s size. These give you more powerful attacks, but with them comes a meter that takes a LOT longer to fill up.
“We need to do something besides straight lines and rudimentary platforming.” “I GOT IT! False floors! Everyone loves those!” At least these ones are easy to spot once you know what to look for, I guess.
By time you have all four upgrades, which you ABSOLUTELY NEED if you don’t want most enemies to shrug off your attacks and immediately counter-attack you until you’re out of life, you have to wait a couple seconds for the meter to charge up. You can’t swing upward, and when you’re ducking, your attack becomes a horizontal slice instead of the normal vertical one. Your axe also only does the full damage on the first thing it touches, so if an enemy shoots projectiles right before you land your hit, you waste your charge shot on it. For many of those types of enemies, I honestly couldn’t figure out a way to avoid taking damage. I’m pretty sure a couple of them are life slaps because they spam their projectiles in uneven patterns. This combines with collision issues and enemies that typically counter-attack. You don’t exactly have a lot of range, so all combat is close-quarters. It gets old really fast.
Like these chicks here who look kind of like Marge Simpson when she lets her hair down. They continuously throw three balls and immediately throw again as soon as you land a hit on them. One time I thought I’d avoided the balls and successfully slayed her only to then have a ball spawn mid-air after she was dead and ping some of my health.
Maybe their hearts were in the right place with the meter, but logically, the combat of Legendary Axe is completely reduced to needing to back up, wait for the meter to fill up all the way (which takes quite a while even after getting items to boost the speed) then make your move and hope the thing doesn’t fire a projectile to essentially block the attack you waited several seconds for. You HAVE to do it this way. If you try playing by any other means, you will die from the counter-attacks slowly pinging you to death. To show you what that’s like, watch this clip. In it, I fight a room full of enemies the only way that makes sense if you want to win. THEN I rewind the room and fight the final guy over again, only this time I don’t wait for my meter to fill up.
Mind you, that’s after picking up the items that increase the speed of the meter filling. 1989’s Game of the Year, everyone. I don’t get it. It’s such a basic, unexciting, repetitive nightmare. None of the drawbacks are done in a way that it could be considered a balanced risk/reward equation. A lot of enemies take so many shots that it’s no longer satisfying when it finally dies. You’re just happy it’s over with. And it keeps getting worse from there. A lot of the time, when a game’s collision is bad, it works both ways and you can cheese enemies the same way they do with you. That’s not the case with Legendary Axe. YOUR box is huge, but not the enemies or bosses. Also enemies and bosses seem to have more invincibility frames than you do. So while you can’t let this boss’ fireballs anywhere near you, your axe better be well onto its sprite, and you better not have just hit the thing. I’m not scoring a hit in either of these two pictures.
So, why the hell did Legendary Axe really win all those awards? Was gaming media of 1989 really that f*cking shallow that slightly better graphics overrode all gameplay merits? Because if that’s the case, I honestly think Altered Beast for the Sega Genesis, a game I didn’t like at all, was better than this. The combat was more impactful. The enemies are more imaginative. The bosses are more memorable. And the graphics, true 16-bit graphics and not just a rewarmed NES with a couple extra features, are far superior to the graphics of Legendary Axe. Altered Beast is a better game in every way a game can be better, and it came out exactly two weeks before Legendary Axe did in North America. Look at each game’s first bosses. Legendary Axe’s accolades couldn’t be just because “wow, look at the pretty graphics!”
I don’t even think this looks that good. It only looks good in comparison to the limits of NES games. How about one final comparison? On the left this time is Legendary Axe. On the right is what is essentially the NES version of Legendary Axe. A game called Astyanax that has a similar “wait for the meter to fill up” axe-based combat in a rudimentary platformer. Look, you even fight green eyeball monsters that float just above your axe’s reach in both games! Peachy.
But, nobody named Astyanax game of the year or one of the 100 best games of all time. I guess it really was about a slight audio/visual upgrade. I’ll never understand it. There’s just nothing to Legendary Axe. It features a limited variety of enemies. The level design and stages all feel samey. There’s no exciting set-pieces. The most complex thing in the game are vines you swing across or the occasional ladder that gets you out of a pit. I find it hard to believe that people awarded THIS piece of garbage Game of the Year in 1989, and I really can’t believe it would make a top 100 games of all time list in 1997. Is it REALLY just because of the last boss? Oh God, it is, isn’t it?
I guess this is technically the best part of the game because it’s actually a little fun to play, I think. Anything is better compared to what came before it.
I mean, it’s a cool looking boss and it plays a lot better than the rest of the game. But it’s not that hard. I beat it on my second attempt and probably would have won on the first if I had full life. The boss I fought right before the finale put up a bigger fight, mostly because against it, only one in three direct shots actually counted as hits. For the final boss, you can even strike it in the foot and get credit for a hit every time. I find that when a game responds to my actions, I usually have more fun than I do when it doesn’t, you know? It’s like they put everything into this one encounter. Even with a sweet final boss, Legendary Axe is basic even by the standards of 1989. I don’t think this is a game that sucks now because it aged badly. I cannot believe anyone could ever shower this clunky, unimaginative Conan wannabe with praise.
This is a boss fight. Legendary Axe does that thing where a boss of a stage becomes a basic enemy afterward.
Shame on me for assuming that Keith Courage was a lesser game before even playing Legendary Axe. At this point, I’m starting to understand how the TurboGrafx-16 failed in the United States. If Legendary Axe really was the killer app of the platform, that doesn’t bode well for it. Of course, the real killer app was Bonk’s Adventure, and Legendary Axe just further proves to me NEC made a big mistake not throwing every resource in their vast company towards making sure it was ready by the US launch. But, if given a choice between the pack-in game they chose or their big critically acclaimed game Legendary Axe? I’d much rather have Keith Courage. Like, by a big margin. And now I know why the curators of the TG16/PCE Minis didn’t lift a finger to secure this dumpster fire. Verdict: NO!
By the way, the creator of Bonk worked on this game too. I stand by venom.
It’s a rock. I can’t wait to tell my friends. They don’t have a rock this big. Actually he looks like he’s chewing her out for getting kidnapped, doesn’t it?
Hudson Hawk Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System Released December 27, 1991 Developed by Ocean Published by Sony Imagesoft NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED
My father is an unironic superfan of Hudson Hawk, so I want to preface this review by saying that, as miserable a time as I had, I’m happy that I’m almost 36 years old and I still get to play video games with my father, who’s about to turn 76. I love you, Daddy. Amo a mi Papá risueño! By the way, he hated the game too.
So yeah, Hudson Hawk is a terrible game that, like the infamous box office bomb that it’s based on, has a cult following. I don’t get it, at least with the NES game. Apparently most of its fans are fans of the home computer ports. They can have them. After playing the NES game, I didn’t like the concept of Hudson Hawk at all. I don’t even think it had any concept at all besides “hey, we got a license for the next movie starring the Die Hard guy! We’ve made it to the big time and OH MY GOD, what have we done?” At best, the game Hudson Hawk could have turned out to be a bland, rushed-through-production platformer. But, needless to say, the version I played is not the concept at its best. A game completely devoid of polish or craftsmanship, Hudson Hawk on the NES is one of the most sloppily coded games I’ve played at IGC. Currently, the worst NES game I’ve reviewed is Fox’s Peter Pan & The Pirates. A game that, mechanically speaking, I have nothing positive to say about. Hudson Hawk gave it a run for its money.
What the heck are these sprites? Hudson Hawk’s teeny tiny sprites all look deranged. “Oh look! The baby got into our LSD supply! Baby’s first acid trip! Look at that mouth foam! He’ll be having flashbacks for years and not even know why! How precious!”
I’ll start with the biggest problem. You’re given a whopping eight hit points per life, which sounds generous, but there’s a catch: they never bothered to program most of the notifications for when you’re taking damage. Some elements, like bullets, make a noise, but for the most part, damage is completely silent. There’s no damage sprites. There’s no blinking (my term for invincibility frames). There’s typically no noise to indicate you’ve been hit. You don’t even get to see your life bar during the action. You have to pause the game to do that. Here’s what that looks like with an enemy dropping objects out a window onto you. I had seven hearts going into this and let the guy drop something on me. Despite the fact that I lose six out of seven hearts here, you wouldn’t know it from how the game reacts, which is LITERALLY NOT AT ALL!
It’s unbelievable that anyone making a game that’s supposed to be fun could actually believe this was a good idea. “Nobody likes it when Mega Man goes GLLLLLICK or when Simon Belmont goes PISSHHH. Let’s just not do that, and everyone will love our game!” I’d like to see someone ROM hack those games to remove all reactions to taking damage, including removing the life bar from the primary gameplay screen and see how fun they are. The answer is “they would be next to unplayable.” It’s like how only an idiot would hear about those people who are born with CIPA, aka congenital inability to feel pain, and think “I wish I had been born with that!” In reality, those people live short, tragic lives because pain is sort of essential to survival. Well, the appearance of pain is essential for action games to work. Don’t believe me? Play Hudson Hawk, a video game that has CIPA. That alone qualifies it for a NO! but Hudson Hawk has other fatal problems.
The gigantic slap that I think is supposed to be a punch is one of the weakest-feeling attacks on the NES. Usually a lack of OOMPH is because there’s no damage frames, but the lack of quality sound plays into it here.
Hudson Hawk is based around precision movement and jumping, but this is one of those games with seemingly deliberately rough controls, mechanics, and physics. I hate that. I always have. Saying the game engine itself should be the source of the challenge is like saying a car’s airbag should be attached to the brake pedal. It always feels like a product of having no ambition at all. You get a pathetic jump, but typical to this piece of junk, even that doesn’t work right. For this teeny tiny little jump to work at all, you have to build up sufficient momentum first. So naturally they built the level design largely around ledges that you have to do the hokey pokey on, turning around and trying to position yourself to build that momentum. Then the developers REALLY give players the middle finger by having your movement in general be too loose. Take a look at this segment:
This room, the finale of level two, is divided into two sections. On the top floor, you have to avoid walking on those yellow squares. They’re trampolines which will launch you onto those bookcases and force you to return to the ladder you entered from and start over. These aren’t platforms you’re jumping over. It’s a solid floor. Hudson Hawk does this trick constantly. Instead of trampolines, it’s usually alarms that are the floor tiles you jump over. Regardless of what you’re triggering, it’s always too sensitive and far harder than normal platform jumping to get right. Then you get to the bottom floor, and it’s unstated that you’re playing “the floor is lava” only instead of killing you, touching the floor activates a cage that lowers around the book you’re trying to reach. You can see that the platforms are pretty small, so you barely have enough room to build that momentum up. You can’t just jump blindly either since touching a light does damage. It doesn’t tell you that part either. Hell, the lights don’t even look like danger elements. Neither do the wall alarms in level one.
Touching either of the circled switches triggers an alarm. These are cropped photos. They’re very small in the game, and even more annoying is that there are switches you have to deliberately trigger. Just making contact with the bad ones sets them off.
The level design is probably the only part of the game that comes close to not being thoughtless. To the developer’s minuscule credit, they did try to make Hudson Hawk feel like more than a simple Point A to Point B game. It’s based on a caper film about a cat burglar. Like every other aspect, they failed, because they never even come close to staging it correctly. The above sequence where you can’t touch the floor? That could have felt like a heist, but it comes with no warning, and you don’t even get to see the cage lowering around the book because you’re so far away from it. The consequences for hitting the floor are more likely to happen off-screen. I’d have preferred a text screen before entering the room to explain the rules. A small break in the action would have been better than how they set the table for it, and there are text screens in the game between levels. If you’re a game developer, you HAVE to paint a picture for your higher-concept designs. Hudson Hawk doesn’t do that.
If not for the loose movement and lack of damage sprites/blinking, some of the screens would have risen to the level of “fine.” Really! Nothing special. These are boilerplate video game challenges, but the classics are classics for a reason: they work. Well, provided the mechanics work.
I’m not a fan of the movie, but Hudson Hawk should lend itself to an action game far easier than something like Back to the Future. Actually, they probably should have leaned more into stealth type of elements. Hudson Hawk is a caper film. Make Hudson Hawk a caper game. But the “stealth elements” don’t feel like stealth gameplay at all, so it never really succeeds at being a caper video game. The “alarms” don’t function like alarms because you’re just jumping or crawling under them and, like everything else in the game, they’re too sensitive and too subtle. I’d also think a “caper” game would have more slap-stick based “outwit enemies” combat, but Hudson Hawk doesn’t do that either. You just kill baddies with flimsy baseballs that come with a stiff penalty for missing. Or, sometimes the baseballs only stun enemies for a second or two and you have to finish them off with a clunky slap move that doesn’t even have to make contact to work. They phoned-in everything. Look at this:
It’s a blind jump that, when you make the leap, the platform just appears. It’s not exciting, though. Players are going to try it because the developers built it in a way where there’s literally no other option but to just try to jump. It happens several times in this room, and then at least one other time late in the game. I’m pretty sure it’s the block I’m standing on in the picture below that wasn’t originally visible. I found it by accident when I shorted a jump. You know what would have been more exciting, knuckleheads that made this game? Having it visible, because then I know what needs to be done and the consequences for not doing it. You’ve created the wrong sense of relief: surprise relief that builds no anticipation. Did any of you even play video games before you started making this?
And I might as well say it: this is one f*cking ugly game. I have no idea what motivated the art direction but these sprites are terrible.
My spidey-sense tells me the invisible platform thing might be a relic of a deleted gameplay mechanic that required an item to reveal hidden platforms. That’s a caper-like thing. There’s no items that affect gameplay at all. My father said the game they should have tried to replicate was Konami’s Goonies II. A licensed game with caper-like first person exploration segments. But, Goonies II is an excellent game because it probably took a lot of effort to make, and who has time for that? As a general action platformer, Hudson Hawk has no excitement because of the poor movement and jumping, and because the graphics are so ugly that you can’t even see half the things killing you. All these fatal problems in a game that has so little ambition to begin with. Hudson Hawk is a movie that’s famously overproduced. Maybe the designers felt like they had to balance the scales of the universe by grossly underproducing it.
Oh thank God I’m finished with the game.
The best thing I can say about Hudson Hawk: at least it’s not as bad as Peter Pan & The Pirates. I did have to think about it, though. Probably the second best thing I can say about Hudson Hawk is the game only lasts three levels. That’s probably a pretty good indication of a creatively bankrupt game made by people who were completely disinterested. Maybe they saw a screening of film and were like “oh f*ck, this is what we’re making a game for?” It happens, but you can still make a great game out of a bad property. Ever heard of Johnny Mnemonic? It’s a famously terrible movie that Midway signed up to do a pinball table of before knowing how the film would turn out. Even after George Gomez saw the film and questioned every decision that led to him having this gig, the finished pinball machine is beloved by fans. If you work for a AAA game maker who does licensed games, you’re going to end up working on a mediocre IP eventually. Great developers resolve to make their game the best thing to ever come out of the franchise. The bad developers simply don’t care because they get paid either way, and the worst ones? They make games like Hudson Hawk. Verdict: NO!
“WOOOOO BABY! COCAINE IS AWESOME! QUICK, SOMEONE HAND ME A POGO STICK BEFORE THE COME DOWN!”
Super Mario Bros. Deluxe
Milon’s Secret Castle
Hudson’s Adventure Island
Takahashi Meijin no Bouken Jima
Takahashi Meijin no Bug-tte Honey
Adventure Island II
Super Adventure Island
Adventure Island
New Adventure Island
Adventure Island 3
Adventure Island II: Aliens in Paradise
Takahashi Meijin no Bōkenjima IV
Super Adventure Island II
Adventure Island Abridged
Adventure Island 3 (NES)
The Simpsons: Bart & The Beanstalk
Jumpin’ Kid: Jack to Mame no Ki Monogatari
Virtual Bart
The Simpsons: Itchy & Scratchy in Miniature Golf Madness
The Itchy & Scratchy Game: A Genuine Simpsons Product
The Simpsons: Night of the Living Treehouse of Horror
Knightmare (MSX)
A-Jax/Typhoon (Arcade)
Gradius III (Arcade)
Crisis Force (Famicom)
Jikkyou Oshaberi Parodius (Super Famicom)
The End
Scramble
Super Cobra
Pooyan
Time Pilot
Gyruss
Mega Zone
Juno First
Time Pilot ’84
Scooter Shooter
TwinBee
Gradius
Finalizer – Super Transformation
Jail Break
TwinBee
Knightmare
TwinBee
Gradius
Salamander
Gradius
Moero TwinBee: Cinnamon Hakase o Sukue!
Battlantis 
Flak Attack
Gradius 2
Life Force
Falsion
A-Jax
Salamander
Thunder Cross
Gradius II: Gofer no Yabou
Parodius
Devastators
Gyruss
Gradius II
Gofer no Yabou: Episode II
TwinBee 3: Poko Poko Daimaō
Gradius III
Space Manbow
Aliens
Trigon
Nemesis
Parodius Da! Shinwa kara Owarai e
TwinBee Da!
Parodius Da!
Gradius III
Thunder Cross II
Detana!! TwinBee
Parodius Da! Shinwa kara Owarai e
Parodius
Gradius: The Interstellar Assault
Crisis Force
Xexex
Gradius
Salamander
Detana!! TwinBee
G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero
Parodius Da! Shinwa kara Owarai he
Axelay
Gradius II: Gofer no Yabou
Pop’n TwinBee
Gokujou Parodius!
Gokujou Parodius!
Parodius Da!
Gokujō Parodius! ~Kako no Eikō o Motomete~
TwinBee Yahho!: Fushigi no Kuni de Ōabare!!
Originally, I planned on doing full reviews of 
Jikkyou Oshaberi Parodius
Salamander 2
Sexy Parodius
Jikkyou Oshaberi Parodius: Forever with Me
Solar Assault: Gradius
Gradius Gaiden
Gradius IV: Fukkatsu
Gradius Galaxies
Parodius
TwinBee Da!
Gradius 2
YES
Now, here’s where it gets REALLY damning. Let’s ignore every single home port and pretend that Gradius Origins went to IV instead of III. That’s $
Abadox: The Deadly Inner War
Oh Shoot!
Because it’s there! In that sense, it might not even matter if the game is fun or not. The experience is the point. The novelty of a new Atari game is the point. If that game happens to be fun, that’s a bonus. Oh Shoot is fun, for everyone. A kid who can count his experiences playing Atari 2600 games on one hand and still have fingers left over slaughtered us, and apparently not just so he could get to the game he actually wanted to play faster. Would I want to play it again? Probably not, because I’m not specifically into Atari two player shooting games. But, is it worth playing? Yeah. Why? Because it’s cool that quality games are still being made for the Atari 2600. Because it’s fun. Because it’s there.
The Legendary Axe
Hudson Hawk
Indie Gamer Chick 
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