Aliens (1990 Arcade Game Review)

Aliens
Platform: Arcade
Released January, 1990
Directed by Satoru Okamoto
Developed by Konami
NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED

Thank you to TJ, my Aliens-obsessed nephew, for being my playing partner with this. And whining the entire time that these models are non-canon, but hey, that’s why I love you, kiddo.

1990’s Aliens coin-op is the answer to a depressing trivia question: what is the highest profile Konami arcade game to never get any form of a home release at all? Even the Simpsons got sh*tty ports for Commodore and DOS computers long before it had a brief-but-famous run on Xbox Live Arcade and PlayStation Network. Aliens didn’t get that. It got NOTHING. It’s thirty-five years later and it’s almost forgotten completely. It’s not even a historic curio. Aliens is a non-relevant non-entity in the annals of gaming, which is kind crazy given the fact that’s it’s a f*cking ALIENS game made by Konami during their prime as an arcade developer. It’s not subject to glowing editorials. It almost never seems to come up in casual conversation on social media. That’s strange, because it’s not a sh*t game by any means. It’s damn hard and often unfair, but actually, it sort of feels like it should be exactly the type of game that gains new life via MAME. That hasn’t happened, either. So, what gives?

The Japanese build does NOT have these third-person sequences that are the low points of the game anyway. There’s also two American versions, one of which is apparently so difficult that the EASY dip switch is equal to the Japanese HARD setting. I assumed that’s the version TJ and I played, but apparently the infamous “brutal” version has no health refills, and the version we played did. Those health refills gave you maybe a couple points back at most. This is NOT Ninja Turtles to say the least. Oh, and in these segments, you have to press the button every time you want to fire. In the side-scrolling sections, you can hold the button down. These stages were exhausting, flow-breaking, and boring. What were they thinking?

Aliens is worth playing. Like, seriously, this is a decent game that’s cut from the same cloth as G.I. Joe: completely mindless, inelegant mayhem that could never last past the twenty-to-thirty minute runtime, but it’s so damn charming. It also captures the spirit of the property, which makes for effective gaming junk food. Aliens is a run & gun that walks like a brawler, literally because you’re just walking slowly instead of running. Take the Ninja Turtles or Simpsons coin-ops from Konami and replace the fisticuffs with a machine gun that has unlimited ammo. BAM, Aliens. It’s not elegant at all. You have two options for combat: shoot or duck and shoot. There’s mostly no real patterns to the enemies and, even if there is, they cheat the patterns anyway. At one point, a boss was ricocheting off the wall. A gaming trope as old as time, only it changed its angle suddenly and darted right into TJ. It was so shamelessly cheap that even TJ, the most chill, easy-going kid I’ve ever known, screamed “oh come on!” before we both laughed. Of course, if we had paid a quarter for that life in a 1990 arcade, it might not have been so funny.

While writing Konami Shoot ‘Em Ups: The Definitive Review, I’ve been surprised several times by how generous a game is with item drops. Aliens is most certainly not generous. Weapon drops are very, very rare. It makes co-op a bit of a drag because it never drops enough items for both players. The weapons also cycle between a missile launcher that slaps, a three way shot that doesn’t, and a flamethrower which works wonderfully. But the lack of generosity makes them a tease.

So yea, co-op can be repetitive thanks to the limited items. The default machine gun is okay but not amazing, but the game is too stingy with the fun stuff. There’s also only one of the exo-suits both times the game presents it, even though the last boss REQUIRES you to use it. When cooperative games do this, it feels like a lonely developer’s sinister plot to end friendships and tear apart families. Thankfully, TJ listened to Aunt Cathy when she said “I’m going to let you pick up the item, but let the thing change to something else first so I can see what it is!” See, unlike most games I review, I decided to play this once co-op, and once only. Once was enough, and we discovered that, in other ROMs, you have to mash the fire button instead of holding it down in the side-scrolling sections. That would change Aliens from stupid fun to just stupid.

Some of the bosses you turn and shoot the background, but the encounter with the Alien Queen (which this actually isn’t the LAST boss) is done from the side and a bit too spongy.

Aliens is already empty-calories gaming, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Despite the comparisons to Ninja Turtles, Aliens has far more in common with another 90s licensed Konami coin-op: 1992’s G.I. Joe, which I’ve previously reviewed and played again for Konami Shoot ‘Em Ups: The Definitive Review. Both are short, shamelessly cheap, but manage to be fun despite themselves. Aliens doesn’t pretend to play fair and is instead based around having a short but length with some excellent sprite work and gameplay that provides just enough of a good time that two players hanging out at an arcade might very well spring for a full playthrough. I’d guesstimate that would cost around five bucks worth of quarters each if you didn’t adjust the dip switches. Do you want to know why Aliens never came home? It’s not because the shadow of Capcom’s Alien vs. Predator looms large. No, it’s because arcades might need games like Aliens. Consoles don’t. That’s also why G.I. Joe never came home. Don’t get me wrong: Aliens is a LOT stronger game than G.I. Joe. Better sights. Better combat. Better variety of enemies. Better bosses, but cursed for the same reasons: Konami’s Aliens is more shallow than the plot for Alien Resurrection. Okay, maybe not that shallow but you get my point.
Verdict: YES!