Campaign ’84 (Colecovision Review)

Campaign ’84
Platform: Colecovision
Released in 1983. See, campaigns starting too early isn’t new!
Developed by Sunrise Software Inc.
NEVER BEEN RE-RELEASED

I’m Catherine Vice, and I approve this message.

My fellow Americans, I’m humbled and honored to accept your nomination for President of the United States. If elected your leader I will ban.. shoes with laces what the f*ck? And also make Oysters the national food are you f*cking kidding me? Are you sure this is what polls said the people want? Wait.. is that why I’m also taking away the shoelaces? To prevent a epidemic of suicides when I mandate people eat snot on a rock? You DID poll on this stuff, right? What else did you poll on?

Oh wow. What do you mean all the good issues were taken? THAT’S NOT HOW POLITICS WORKS, NUMB NUTS! How much am I paying you? Contingent on if I win, right? Son of a bitch. Well, that list is.. batsh*t and worthless. I’m almost certain that Pet Rocks don’t hold jobs. Just because people use them as doorstops doesn’t mean they get paid! NO, NOT IF THEY’RE PAPERWEIGHTS EITHER! I KNOW THE CONVENTION CAN HEAR ME! Uh, yea, no shoe laces, Oysters for all, and uh.. What polled highest with working men? Um, ban water guns! I guess that’s something you all care deeply about for.. reasons, but worry not, fellow citizens! I’m making that my #1 priority! As your president, I’ll personally assure you that you never have to worry about some stranger getting your wife wet while you’re at work!

Thank god they only saw the wig and not the dead hooker I was standing over.

I chose to be the elephant because I think people are more likely to vote for someone who steps on them while riding an elephant and not a donkey. There’s dignity to dying via elephant trampling, but a donkey? That’d just be rude! This will matter, trust me. I’m campaigning on oyster rights, for God’s sake. I need every advantage I can get! So, let me get this straight, I just walk around the literal borders of the states, trying to collect white items while avoiding red ones? Are you SURE this is how you run for President? Ain’t I supposed to be shaking babies and kissing hands and not walking around.. ooh, good catch, KISSING BABIES and SHAKING HANDS. Actually, don’t watch the 6 o’clock news. You’ll find out why tomorrow. And you’re POSITIVE that this walking along the edges thing works? Taft did it? Well, hey, can’t argue with the results, right? It’s Taft! Wait, the first time or the second time? Both times? Hell, I’ll take coin flip odds. Okay, I got this. Kiss babies, shake hands. Someone hand me a marker so I can write that on my hand. Make it a permanent one. Actually, hey Lenny, do you still have that tattoo gun?

Hey, I know you’re my campaign manager and I hired you presumably because I trust you and not because I was high at the time, but you’re certain that starting my campaign in Nebraska was a good idea? That’s not how the saying goes. It’s how MAINE goes, so goes the nation, AND EVEN THAT’S NOT TRUE! So, you’re sure that, to win the presidency, I have to just run over citizens with my elephant? They like this? Just double checking, but this is PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES we’re talking about, and not the President of Sadomasochists of America, right? Because I’m term-limited out of that. Pssh, eight term limit my aching ass. So, step on the people and I win, right? Oh, ONLY HALF? Duh, of course. 50.0001% of the vote gets me 100% of the state’s electoral votes. Let freedom ring, baby! And yes, that counts for Nebraska and Maine, even though in real life each district gets their own electoral votes + 1 for the state’s popular vote. That’s fine, though. I can step on half the people to become President. Hell, I’ll step on ALL the people. It’s basically why I wanted to run for President anyway! But, I do have a question.. what are these numbers here?

So, if I understand correctly, those are the issues that you so diligently polled on from the start of this review campaign. The ones that just float without being highlighted are things I’m FOR and the numbers that are inside out are what I’m AGAINST. At the start of the game, I mean campaign, all eight “issues” default as “AGAINST” and I could have changed any, all, or none to “FOR” and they mean NOTHING because it just changes whether I get popularity or lose popularity when I collect numbers as they randomly appear at campaign events? And the ONLY campaign events involve stepping on voters with the animal of my choice? Why can’t it be the “IN NAME ONLY” animals? I’d much rather play as a RINO or a DINO. They’d be much more fun to step on people with!

Well, my campaign is going.. swimmingly. Which doesn’t mean I’m drowning, despite what the spin on Reddit says. FAKE NEWS! Besides, I literally inherited Fort Knox and sold it for scrap, which somehow added 30 campaign hours and almost certain federal indictment. Gas up the campaign plane and find me a country without extradition, just in case. Preferably one with a better form of government than this. It’s just clumsily moving along state borders while mashing the fire button and hoping I find the right spot. That’s literally how you campaign in Campaign ’84. You have to walk around the edge until you find that state’s invisible “entry point” but you also have to press the FIRE button, which sadly doesn’t fire my campaign manager. Most entry points were at the top of the state, but not all of them were. There’s also no Alaska and Hawaii, and it’s hard to squeeze into the rinky-dinky states.

This really is the ONLY campaigning you do. And, once you get fifty percent of a state, you want to deliberately maroon yourself onto a single voter. Once someone is run over, you can’t move to that same spot again, at least until the next campaign out of respect for the breathless supporters who sacrificed themselves to my campaign. It’s sort of like reverse Snake. It’s actually harder than it sounds too, because you can move diagonally, and you can’t leave a state until you have no moves left to make. I screwed myself over multiple times by leaving diagonal moves, and every second counts. But, if you collect the right issues, they give you an automatic popularity boost. Just two should put you over 50% for that state, which is enough, and that goes a LOT faster than scooping voters one at a time. Also, Stars & Stripes Forever plays during this whole thing, and it’s intolerable. Thank god the campaign season is almost over. This is boring. Well, here was my.. genius campaign manager’s brilliant electoral strategy. Remember, I need half the electoral votes +1 to become President of the United States. 270. If it’s 269, horseshoes are thrown until a winner emerges.

And that netted me a total of………….

Oh, thank God. You see, dear readers, I actually didn’t want to be President. I just wanted a steady gig as a talking head on cable news. Easy money! Thank god I came up exactly four electoral votes short. I’ve had my concession speech ready for a while. Don’t tell anyone, but I actually wrote that first, before I even announced my candidacy. Real tear jerker. Magnanimous call for unity and, you know, thanking my voters and sh*t. Best of all, I never have to play Campaign ’84 again, one of the absolute most pointless games I’ve ever played in my life. It works neither as an educational game or a joke game, because the jokes begin and end with the campaign issues at the start. Nothing happens. One mini-game! Thankfully, the campaign season is over, and best of all, I LOST! I’ll just call the poor son of a bitch who “beat me” and.. hey wait. If Alaska and Hawaii aren’t in this, then wouldn’t 266 be a little more than the.. the.. majority of electoral votes?

Oh no. OH GOD!

Holy f*ck I’m President Elect of the United States.

Oh god.. that means I have to run again in four years.

I shouldn’t have banned shoelaces.😭
Verdict: NO!