February 27, 2012 21 Comments
EvilQuest confused me. In it, you play as the villainous Galvis, a magnificently evil bastard whose goal is to murder God and destroy the world. Let’s see: in touch with his emotions. Goal-oriented. Has a spiritual side to him. Hey hey, I think I found someone I can bring home to my folks if things don’t work out with Brian.
But while Galvis is at times utterly delightful to play as, what with his fondness for casual genocide, or the fact that he’ll ignore the pleads for euthanasia of a frost-bitten old man just because letting him linger in pain and suffering is that much more evil, he’s also a bit of a pussy. Despite being somewhat billed as a character who breaks all the rules, Galvis walks the line with such determination that he might as well be wearing a hall monitor sash. He still pays for items from stores with actual cash. He goes on fetch-quests for random people. Sure, he’ll occasionally knife someone after they helpfully give him an item, and in the end of the game, spoiler alert, he makes the human race extinct. But come on, paying for items? That’s not evil. Even little kids have the balls to shoplift.
So I’m going to ignore the whole “play as the bad guy” stuff because Galvis is provably less evil than Lindsay Lohan and just treat EvilQuest like the generic action-RPG that it is. And, let’s face it, that’s the only way to describe it. A lot of people are calling it “Zelda-like” but that’s a load of crap too. Zelda had some puzzles. EvilQuest is all action, all the time. You walk around killing baddies, then you walk around some more. Sure, there’s the occasional switch, or maybe a maze-like dungeon, but really, it’s just knifey-knifey, killy-killy, walky-walky for the entire length of the game.
I will admit it’s a little fun. Not a whole lot. I certainly don’t get why the XBLIG cheerleader brigade is constructing a human pyramid with only their erect penises to act as support beams over EvilQuest. It’s a bit on the busted side. As you progress through the game, you can level-up your stats. As is my typical strategy in these situations, I just pumped every single point I earned into my attack power. As a result, by game’s end I was able to kill most of the enemies in a single whack. Two tops. And bosses would take me about ten seconds to beat, even on the medium setting. There was no point in forming any strategy to take them out. I was easily able to max out the amount of health potions I had, quick-map them to the Y button, and then just tap it while attacking. I went into the last boss battle with 99 hi-potions and was able to finish all four stages of the fight in about a minute tops, only using 6 of them. In retrospect, I wish I had played the game on hard. On medium, EvilQuest was about as easy as kitten piñata.
EvilQuest would have probably been a really strong game about twenty-five years ago. In 2012, it’s basic even by the standards of modern retro-games. I will say that it at least looks the part. It successfully fends off the uncanny valley effect of looking old but having a feature that is decidedly modern ruin the entire feel of it. And I would like to thank the guys at Chaosoft for including an option to disable flashing effects so that epileptics such as myself can more comfortably play their title. It was a classy move, and hopefully the start of many developers adding similar options to their games. Of course, Galvis wouldn’t stand for that himself. He would intentionally try to set off a seizure in me, then skull fuck me while I was twitching. Or maybe not. I mean, if he’s willing to tip a stripper with a C-Note, he can’t be THAT evil.
80 Microsoft Points said, spoiler alert, if he kills every human, doesn’t that mean he mercifully put the frost-bitten old man out of his misery in the process? Wow, talk about a mixed-message in the making of this review.