The Chick’s Monthly Top 10 Update: August 2011

Now that the Summer Indie Uprising games will be hitting the market, I’m sure this list will look VERY DIFFERENT next month.

A regular Nostradamus am I.  You know, I totally see why some people would accuse me of being a troll, but Christ, look what I’ve had to work with this month.  The 2011 Indie Game Summer Uprising was about as successful as the Whiskey Rebellion of 1794 (which is to say, not at all) but if nothing else I hope my reviews of it provided my readers with some entertainment.  Meanwhile, I learned an exciting lesson: never get excited about anything.  You would think I would have learned my lesson after the Star Wars prequel trilogy, but no.

I also learned that many people (mostly crybaby developers) think the Xbox Live Indie Game marketplace is populated entirely by four-year-old girls selling lemonade for two-bits a Dixie Cup.  Goodness me, I had no clue!  I was under the impression that these were commercial products by a group of gaming enthusiasts who hoped to get a taste of what it’s like to produce a video game, along with all the pitfalls and perils that come with it.  I guess I was mistaken.

Well I promise I’ll straighten up and play along like the mother hens who have been telling you every game that is even the slightest bit visually stimulating is an instant classic and worthy of money out of the pocket of  some poor schmuck on minimum wage with a limited budget for games.  Ten thumbs up and gold stars for everyone!

Ha, as if.  You guys want to make products that cost real people real cash?  Well man up, because your work deserves a critical look.  As a consumer I don’t give a flying fuck whether you have experience or talent or whatever else you seem to lack (at this point, “thick skin” seems to come to mind).  If you put a shit product on the market, I will call you out on it.  And I also don’t care if that hurts your feelings.  You are not children selling lemonade on the corner, so stop acting like it.

Now then, I do have the Top 10 list to get to.  We had a few changes, but actually things at the top of the leaderboard have pretty much stayed the same.  Let’s take a look.

#10 The Cannon (Elemental Focus)

The first (and so far only game, although Grand Theft Froot is in line) to receive a Second Chance with the Chick, I fell in love with the Cannon’s wacky humor and surprisingly deep action.

#9 Decimation X3 (Xona Games)

So apparently I was in error when I said this was a clone of Space Invaders Extreme. Instead, it’s a sequel to a clone of Space Invaders.  Whatever.  This game still kicks mucho ass.  Sadly, epilepsy will prevent me from playing Xona’s Score Rush, which I hear is quite good as well.

#8 VideoWars (Baaad Dad)

An action-based real-time strategy title held back only by some balance issues and lack of online play.

#7 Aban Hawkins & the 1000 Spikes (8-Bit Fanatics)

Still the best punishment-platformer I’ve played, Aban Hawkins will kick your ass nine ways from Sunday and leave you begging for more.

#6 Andromium (Red Crest Studios)

Andromium gets off to a slow start, but once things ramp up you’ll find one of the most unusual and clever space shooters to come around in a long time.

#5 Blocks That Matter (Swing Swing Submarine)

The winner of the 2011 Dream-Build-Play contest is certainly a worthy champion.  Awesome puzzle design and some truly quirky characters make this an absolute must buy for any fans of the genre.

#4 Antipole (Saturnine Games)

Despite some issues with slowdown (that some players claim don’t exist, while others have told me they experienced the same thing) I really dug the hell out of Antipole.  I played the Nintendo DSi version as well, and it’s also a winner.

#3 Star Ninja (Bounding Box Games)

My high scores are long gone, but Star Ninja is still the best game inspired by Angry Birds I’ve played on any platform.

#2 TIC: Part 1 (RedCandy Games)

I actually think TIC: Part 1 should have won Dream-Build-Play, but hopefully out-ranking the winner on my list is a small (and significantly less lucrative) consolation prize.  Probably not.

#1 LaserCat (MonsterJail Games)

I expect no Xbox Live Indie Game will ever be perfect, but LaserCat is as close as one has come yet.  I think the trivia questions were part of some kind of minimum-badness requirement for the platform.

So that’s it for another month.  Thank you to all my readers for making this month just as fun for me as it was last month.  Month month month month month.  I love that word.  Thanks to all you crybabies out there for strengthening my resolve.  Thanks to Brian for returning home to me.  And thanks to all you developers who have thanked me for being as straight forward as I am.  It’s good too see that most developers aren’t thin-skinned pussies.  It makes the whiners that much more hilarious.