Easter is upon us, so I figured I would review a game based on the Easter Bunny. Even though I’m still not sure what bunnies with colored chicken eggs has to do with the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Quite frankly, a zombie game review would be more appropriate. Actually, the explanation for bunnies and Easter is kind of comical. Apparently people in the middle ages were stupid and assumed that rabbits were self-reproductive. Thus, they would give birth as virgins and had some kind of connection to the Virgin Mary. Okay, so I’m still not sure how this ties to the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Screw it, let’s play Choc-a-riffic.
It’s a physics-puzzler where you play as a rabbit that has to push chocolate eggs to an exit. You do this by pushing them with your body, or shifting the position of your arms with the right thumb stick. You jump with the right bumper, because the developers decided to make things as inconvenient as possible. And, well, that’s pretty much it.
Choc-a-riffic is crap-a-riffic. Hopefully everyone understands that I’m trying to convey that it’s terrible. The physics are unstable. A few times I pushed an egg, saw it bounce into another egg, and then launch into the air. Other times, I would try to jump in the air and fling upwards like I had just huffed two condensed tons of helium. The controls are crap, and the main character is a little creepy. Based on the subject matter, I’m guessing Choc-a-riffic is aimed at the kiddie set. If so, they should be warned that -I- was almost traumatized when I “accidentally” steered the rabbit into a fire, then left him there just to see what would happen. I figured he would eventually do what every video game character in the situation would do: a backflip followed by laying down. Instead, the little fucker caught fire and continued to walk around in screaming agony, like he was the bunny version of Freddy Krueger. Wait a minute, Freddy kept dying and coming back from the dead. Just like.. oh my God, IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!
80 Microsoft Points said Father forgive me for I have sinned. It has been seven days since my last confession. Well Padre, I believe I screwed the pooch this time. I compared my Lord and Savor Jesus Christ to Freddy Krueger. No, it wasn’t exactly directly. More in a roundabout kind of way. It’s not that I believe that Jesus would knife kids in their dreams or anything like that. Wait, just to make sure, Jesus didn’t do that, did he? Father? Father? In the making of this review. God, I hope my parents never read this one.